Raccoon Gone Bad Hey, fucker. I'm Randy the Raccoon.
I call people fuckers, ya know? I don't like people very much. Not one bit, no. So I call them fuckers. Cuz fucker isn't a complimentary term. So I call y'all fuckers.
And I hate you. You're human, and the mere fact that you're human makes me hate you. That's why I insist on calling you fucker.
So, as I mentioned, I'm a raccoon. I'm furry and I'm gray. My hobbies are brushing my teeth so that I foam at the mouth and everybody runs away from me cuz they think I’m rabid. I've freaked lotsa people out like that… it's fun. You fuckers are so gullible.
My other hobby is searching through garbage receptacles. It's a great hobby, man. It bears such mystery; ya never know what you'll find. I've found some cool shit digging through garbage cans. I brought these things home to my den with me.
Yeah, that's right, I live in a den. Y'all fuckers got your houses and shit… but I got a den. Might not be as classy as your houses… but I like it just fine.
I cover up the hole to my den with the top to a garbage can I once sifted through. This top was especially light, so I took it home with me. I attached the garbage can to my den with some bungee chords someone or another threw out; I hooked it onto my coat rack.
Ya, that's right, I've got a coat rack. Y'all fuckers underestimate us raccoons. Just cuz we aren't human don't mean we aren't civilized. Shit, you fuckers are so ignorant, man! I can't stand you humans!
As a matter of fact, I hate you so much that my den has much anti-human paraphernalia. I have an abundance of posters that list all the shit you've done to screw up the world for the rest of us. You fuckers are pissed at us raccoons for spreading rabies; our history of disease-spreading pales in comparison to yours. Almost all of the diseases you people are dying from are diseases you brought upon yourself. So don't get on our ass about it!
All you people are dying from lung cancer cuz you smoked cigarettes. You ever seen a raccoon smoking a cigarette?
You humans are all overdosing on hard drugs. You ever seen a raccoon coming onto school grounds trying to make a quick buck pushing to little kids? Nuh uh. You humans are selfish, greedy, materialistic fuckers and you have no right to blame your deaths on us raccoons. And you get rabies when those of us raccoons who are rabid bite you. You think we go around biting other species? Not when we don’t need to. But you humans, you've done so much shit to screw up the world for us that we have every reason to bite you! So when we bite you don't get pissed at us, fuckers! One death from rabies does not do any justice to all the injustice that you have bestowed upon us!
Your air pollution too. You human environmentalists are always bitching and whining about all the pollution. Every single one of you fuckers are contributing to the amount of pollution. All your big businesses have factories that produce air pollution in profusion. And then, as you bitch about air pollution, you buy products from these big businesses so that they have more money to create more factories that produce more air pollution. And then you throw out your products; often you do not dispose of it correctly, and you litter, thusly producing more air pollution.
And all the while you're bitching about air pollution. And then the big businesses go and chop down trees, and you say no don't chop down the trees. You like the trees; you think they are pretty. You don't consider the fact that some of us animals live in those trees. We need them to survive, but no, that thought never occurs to you selfish fuckers. Plus the trees provide oxygen; we need oxygen to live. If you think about it, all of us species are into this fix together. But you don't include us. Instead you bitch about how we're all gonna run out of air and then you go chop down more trees.
You chop down trees cuz you say you need paper. If you just had any sense you'd realize that hemp can produce paper much more efficiently than trees can. In fact, one acre of hemp produces as much paper as four acres of trees. But no, you allow your fascist governors to make hemp illegal. Just because hemp is part of what makes marijuana you make it illegal. I don't see why you fuckers let your governors make marijuana illegal in the first place; it was one of the most illogical things you've ever let them get away with.
But, shit, I’m gonna quit bitching about you fuckers and how you've screwed it up for us. You all do your share of bitching too and never get anything done. I've given up hope on teaching you how to save yourselves. And, along with saving yourselves, you would also be saving the rest of us, but I bet that thought never occurred to you… selfish fuckers.
Instead of trying to convert you, I am going to kill you.
It was this foot and mouth thing going on in the UK that pushed me over the edge. You heard about it? A couple of farm animals have foot and mouth. So the British government takes it upon themselves to kill a couple hundred thousand cows and sheep. And they're escalating the killings more and more, so it could be millions soon.
So, a few cows and sheep have a contagious disease. You could just let the disease run it's course… maybe kill a few of you humans.
But no, you can't let that happen. Instead you decide to wipe out all the cows and sheep on that entire island.
That isn't fair! That is utterly selfish… it shows just how egotistical you fuckers are.
Even if this foot and mouth epidemic would wipe out all the humans of the British Isles, that doesn't give you the right to wipe out all the cows on the British Isles! I don't understand what makes you think you are so much more important than us other animals! We're all animals! Shit, you selfish fuckers!
And that is why I'm gonna kill you. This selfishness would be the end of you anyway; I'm simply speeding up the process. Instead of your selfishness, materialism and greed bringing us global warming and depleting our oxygen supply, which would give the earth maybe another 50-100 years to live, your selfishness had provoked me to end your species right now.
So I shave 50-100 years off of your species' reign, and in so doing I am adding an innumerable amount of years to all the other species' reign.
You may have seen some articles in the newspaper lately about a serial killer. The police are searching far and wide for him.
The serial killer is me, fucker. I have killed 123 humans so far. And you humans are so egotistical that you don't notice us other animals; you automatically assume that the serial killer is one of your own. But it is me.
How am I doing it? Well, I found all the supplies I need in your very own garbage cans. I found a pistol… a bit battered but the owner had no reason to throw it away. I guess it was some rich prick who couldn't stand to have a pistol with a dent. So he threw it away. And I'm able to find bullets; they proliferate all over the forest and in people's garbage cans. I figured that I'd be able to kill all six billion of you fuckers in due time; but a few days ago I was almost shot.
I had just brushed my teeth, and I was ready to go scare some humans shitless. That's what I do when I'm looking for some fun.
But this time the human whom I was scaring shot at me, that fucker.
So I ran away. Barely escaped. And I realized that raccoons don't live forever. And as I killed, more and more humans would be being born.
So I have got to creating a bomb. I found a "how to make a bomb" manual in somebody's trash can, and I have spent every single one of my waking hours ever since towards constructing a bomb. I have a workforce of all the animals in this forest now. They are all completely devoted to our cause. Some help me build the bomb, others are digging a fallout shelter for us animals to go into when we detonate the bomb. And others travel the world, and they tell all the animals that they find everything about our plan.
We are revolutionaries. We have created a movement among all the animals worldwide. Every day more animals arrive in this forest, and every day the bomb gets bigger and more explosive, every day the fallout shelter is able to contain more of us, and every day there are more of us to fill the fallout shelter when it comes time to end our oppression.
There is nothing you can do to stop us. We now have an army of raccoons patrolling the forest so that none of you humans can foil our plans. When one of our raccoon sentinels encounters a human in the forest, they shoot it down. Then they bring the human back to the center of the forest where we are making the bomb.
We eat the human. You fuckers have eaten us for long enough; now that we have the power in our hands it is high time we started eating you.
We eat you, fuckers. Every day we eat you. Every day there is less and less of you. One day you will all be gone, for we have the power now. Fighting back will do you no good; we have secured victory by now.
Submission will do you no good; we seek revenge with all our hearts and there is no way we will forgive you for the transgressions of your past.
I do not wish to go on an ego trip here, but all these animals, they idolize me. I no longer work on the bomb; there are others now who can make it. Instead they have built me a throne. They worship me; those who don't worship me are killed. I do not order that they be killed. My constituents idolize me with such vigor that they take it upon themselves to kill those who don't.
I have begun to think about how I will shape our society when you fuckers are gone. I now realize that I will be chosen with overwhelming mandate to be the one who rules.
My constituents like to talk about how the humans will respond when they realize what we are doing. They hypothesize that there will be headlines calling me a "raccoon gone bad".
I have not gone bad. I have simply dared to dream of how things should be, instead of how they are. The perfect world; a utopia, is a world without humanity. Selfishness, greed and materialism sully all of existence. And we will have none of it anymore.
I am not bad; I have simply taken it upon my self to do good. I am doing what is right. I am a revolutionary. Just because you fuckers might not understand me does not mean I am bad. Just because what I do might be detrimental to you does not mean I am detrimental to the world.
But yet I worry. Will I be able to create the utopia I yearn for? Will I be a good leader?
I realize that I must not govern in self-interest. I must govern for the good of the people. Of course, since I am the one who will have rid them of humanity, I do have the right to demand a few favors. I love Pepsi (and I've become addicted to caffeine) so of course I'll demand that I be brought a Pepsi every day. And I'll want to be served my meals. And when we establish a currency I will expect a rather grand salary for my leadership. But I must not govern in self-interest. I will not be a raccoon gone bad. Hmm… I wonder, though… how much should I demand for my salary? How much do I need? How much do I want? How much will they give me? Well, shit, I know the answer to that question. They'll give me whatever I ask for.