Hurray! It’s New Year’s Eve.

Apparently I’m party hopping.

1
it ain’t late yet
I’m enjoying a brief, surprise romantic encounter
in a toilet temple
until she gets bored
and doesn’t want anymore
explaining that there are more things to do than hook up.
I explain that in this case
as much as I enjoy her company,
that we should stop seeing each other
because I tend to enjoy impassioned, long drawn-out sessions of hooking up.
I realize that my hand is firmly holding her breast.
She says that we can keep hooking up if I want to,
but I say I don’t want to if she doesn’t want to
(which is only as true as I think it is)
and plus it smells like shit in here,
so I leave.

2
I’m at a multi-cultural festival
in a cafeteria
that has no tables,
but beds instead
I’m covered to my chest with quilt upon quilt
and underneath I’m naked
as the day I was born.
I’m hoping
some wind might blow into my asshole
cuz that might feel nice
I’m hoping
my nipples don’t look too out of place
to the other daysleepers of the room
I’m hoping
my pectoral muscles
attract some attention
that might end my sexless state,
cuz why be naked in public and sexless?
What I get is
a female gorilla
with Indian porridge dripping on her cheek
and body odor that makes my testosterones surge
permeating her bushy underarms.
It crawls under the covers
in a friendly way,
but when its hand falls on my pelvis
and it realizes I am nude
it decides to take our friendship to the next level,
grazing my penis
which stiffens as
the gorilla proceeds to give me a hand job.
I enjoy the touch of another
but before she can finish
before I can finish
the phone rings,
it’s the Piper at the Gates of Dawn
calling to tell me a riddle
and ask for help on his biology homework.
He yells at me for not paying attention,
so I hang up
and leave that festival,
but not before I get the gorilla’s number.

3
I quickly hitch a ride to the mental hospital
cuz I hear that’s where the party’s at.
The guy who picked me up
was wearing a pink frilly dress
purple eyeliner and black lipstick
and a silver thong so tight it had cut off all blood flow to his lower body,
which I know because
he only picked me up in hope that I would
give him head
but the thong had been so tight,
I found that he was unable
to achieve erection
so he let me off the hook
and let me out his car at the hospital.

4
I go to the top floor,
and walk right into
a hedonistic rave.
all the attendees are lesbian vampires
swallowing pills of ecstasy
as pheromones spasmodically ooze
through each other’s veins.
When the song ends,
they all sit back down in their seats
and begin discussing their special interest political action committee
and case-voting to trigger an apocalypse
until the clock strikes twelve,
at which point the DJ turns the jungle back on
and I leave the party with one lesbian
who just didn’t wanna go home alone on New Year’s Eve.

5
I step into the room next door with my lesbian friend
and find a hunch-backed Frankenstein
covered in bright green grinchy fur
hiding from the Freak Gestapo.
I chilled with him for a little while,
cuz he seemed uniquely rebellious and lonely.
His doctor stopped by
A friendly man
but unnervingly frantic
and seemingly a wee bit absent-minded.
He was a busy bee
running about the hospital offices
trying to convince a bunch of bureaucrats
to rescue his monster,
until he forgot what he was doing
and decided to go pick up a soda at the 711.
He gives me his driver’s license
tells me he’ll be back in a few hours
and he runs out,
his stethoscope dragging behind his heels.
I hand the license to Frank,
bid him my best wishes and a happy new year
me and the lesbian jump out the glass window.

6
We flew to the nearest poetry reading
where, although mighty intoxicated
I read haikus with bizarre, lengthy titles
and even longer alternate titles
which I had written while airborne on the way over
about vampiric lesbian orgies.
They weren’t my best work,
because I like titular lines to be included within the poem itself
and I just couldn’t fit it into the meter,
but people seemed to enjoy them
because they were mighty intoxicated as well.

7
I get home
and realize that
everybody at the poetry reading
came home with me
(and the crossdresser who picked me up earlier was along for the ride as well)
because they didn’t want to be alone on New Year’s morn,
and plus,
I was an artist.
I summarily sprouted twenty two phalluses
despite Orion’s best wishes
so I could have sex with each of the women at the very same time
and I also sprouted
19 and a half anuses
so I could be fucked by each of the men at the same time.
It wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had,
because it was hard to keep track of
all the many simultaneous orgasms.
My friend the gorilla
was reportedly heartbroken,
so I kicked my multi-sexual harem out,
and called her to come over in a little while
if she wasn’t too angry.

8
while I waited for her
I ate some cherry pie
and talked over the internet
to Christian Fundamentalist Jappy White Trash Ditzes
about my day.

9
I woke up when the Piper at the Gate of Dawn called once again
(I figure the fucker must me stalking me)
it was 5 PM
and at first I was pissed for wasting away my day with dreams
but then I realized
I had one of the most
sex-filled
hedonic
surrealistic
trippin nights
of my life
this afternoon
and just because it didn’t actually happen
doesn’t make it any less amazing.

10
I smelled like ass,
so I took a shower,
sodomized myself with a coat rack
ate spaghetti under the beautiful moon
and went to the New School to hear The State of the Union.

11
When I got home,
the Piper called once more
to tell me he liked my answering machine message
because I sounded like I was on drugs
and there were moray eels eating the space needle in the backround.
I told him,
call my number again
I won’t pick up
you just listen to your heart’s content.

My phone will be ringing all night.