Lovesick Deceiver Why, hello there. My name is Citamsirac Resu. Pleased to meet you. People have always considered me charismatic. As long as I can remember, I have been able to convince anybody to do anything for me that I wanted him or her to. And so I was noted as being charismatic. But the people that knew me best knew that I was not only charismatic but also a power craving, insensitive, and greedy human being. These same people, after having known me for a while, became scared of me, because they noticed that I could get them to do anything for me. And just that was what I did.
From 2nd grade up until my last year in college, I did not do a single homework assignment, for I could convince other classmates that it would benefit them if they did their homework for me. And I could convince my other classmates that it would benefit them if they did badly on their tests. In doing this I lowered the grade curve, thus increasing my own grades even more. Whatever I wanted, I could get. I did not care how much I inconvenienced others. Other people didn't matter to me. All that mattered to me was I. I viewed life as a game. I was life's player. Certain people were my playing pieces, certain people were places for me to land on, and certain people were my dice. I could get anybody I want to roll any number that I wanted them to, any playing piece to move that number of spaces, and any landing point I desired to put itself under the playing piece that I had selected. I was a very powerful person, to say the least. It was as if I was playing the game of life with a loaded dice or marked cards. I was cheating at the game of life. And, most of all, I was winning the game of life.
One day, while playing the game of life, I was watching my television that I had convinced a salesman from an electronics shop to give to me for free. When it was found out that he had given it to me, he was fired. Anyway, I was watching my TV. I saw a debate for the republican nomination. I saw Gary Bauer, one of the candidates, at this debate. He's a very short man that somewhat resembles a rat. I did not like him at all. He wished for there to be organized prayer in public schools. I had spent a whole month when I was in 6th grade convincing my school's administration to eliminate the organized prayer that we had weekly. I was not a fan of organized prayer in schools. I did not like this Gary Bauer. I decided that, since I needed something to do, I would make his life miserable. I would make him not only lose the nomination, but I would make him forever scapegoated among the Republican Party. Heck, if I didn't have anything to do I'd even convince his wife to divorce him and maybe get his children kidnapped and sold on the black market in China. I know that this sounds cruel. As you are reading this story, you might as well expect some more cruel things to be said, for I am a very cruel person. And do you know what else? I don't care.
So I decided to find out some personal facts about Gary Bauer. If I could find out the names of all of his acquaintances, then perhaps I would find that I know one of them. You see, take the instance in which I convinced the salesman to give me the television. In some cases like that, when the boss threatens to fire him, I will convince the boss not to. In doing that, I will keep in touch with the salesman. That way, if I ever need a favor done, and he is the right person to do it, then I will know where he is.
You see, when playing the game of life, you must keep a good number of playing pieces around. Had I saved that salesman's job, then he would just be another playing piece for me to use and abuse until he eventually died. One of my playing pieces might have ended up being a close friend of Gary Bauer's. Should this be the case, then making his life miserable would be much easier. Should it not be the case, then I will set up a scheme in which I make them become one of my playing pieces. And so I called up a playing piece of mine named Jiggly Goo.
Jiggly Goo lives in Jamaica. He was once on a vacation in America, and I came across him while he was in New York City. He looked quite oblivious, and so I decided to have a little bit of fun. I was somewhat cold, because this event happened during the winter. I noticed that he was wearing a very warm jacket. I pretended to mistake him for a friend. I said to him, "Hey, Bill, fancy meeting you here!"
In response he said, in a very high-pitched voice with a British/Jamaican accent, "Named Bill I am not. Perhaps you look for a different individual."
I pretended to notice that he, in fact, was not Bill. Then suddenly I exclaimed, "Bill, what are you doing wearing that jacket?"
Jiggly Goo reminded me that he was not Bill, and acted, as expected, confused as to why he should not wear his jacket. I told him that there was a gang that resided around these parts that mugged and often killed anybody they saw wearing an orange jacket. He was surprised to hear this, yet he believed me. I told him that I knew the people in this gang, and that he could give the jacket to me, because the gang members wouldn't harm me should they see me wearing it. He was very grateful, and gave me the jacket. We struck up a conversation and I found out that back at his home in Jamaica he had an enormous amount of computers. He told me about the computers; one of them had a database of everybody living on Earth. I knew right then and there that I had just obtained a vital playing piece.
I called up Jiggly Goo. I politely reminded him who I was, and subtlely reminded him that I had saved his life. I told him that I needed a favor. He was glad to help me, for he still believed that I had saved his life. I asked him to find out whom Gary Bauer's closest friends were, and email me a database of them. We started conversing, because when you have a playing piece and wish to keep it around then it is a great idea to make them feel as if you care about them. And so I found out that he was an avid supporter of John McCain. I lied to him, "Oh, wow! What a coincidence! The reason that I am requesting this information is because I am working for the McCain campaign and I think that Gary Bauer might perhaps be a criminal. This information will help me reveal the truth." After hearing that, of course, Jiggly Goo would be more than happy to supply me with the information I gave him my email address and by the next day he emailed me the database.
He had compiled a list of Gary Bauer's 100 closest acquaintances. With each name he included information about who they were, what they did, and many other useful facts. I searched through the names and didn't find anybody that I knew. I decided to acquaint myself with the acqaintance that resided closest to me. So I looked through the names, and I found that several of his acquaintances lived in New York City. Two lived very near myself. Both names were very odd. One of the people was named Was That Supposed To Be Funny. I decided that acquainting myself with somebody that had such a name would be quite bizarre, and so I opted for the other choice. Her name was Sujiwaka Lingbangdenod. She was 35 years old. She had been born in Fiji. She had moved to the USA to go to college here, and had run int Gary Bauer along the way. According to Jiggly Goo's report, she was still a very close friend and often attended dinner parties of Gary's. I decided that the best way for me to ruin Gary Bauer's life was to get myself invited to one of these dinner parties. And so tomorrow I would acquaint myself with Sujiwaka Lingbangdenod.
Jiggly Goo's report had included many of her interests and places that she was often found at. Apparently she was very patriotic towards her homeland Fiji, and she liked rhinoceri. I purchased a book called "Fijian Pride" at a Barnes and Noble near my house and bought a T-shirt inscribed "Save the Rhino". I woke up early in the morning to visit a coffee shop that she made daily visits to. I sat there for a while, until a woman came in who was also wearing a "Save the Rhino" T-shirt. She was short, chubby, and squat-faced. The moment that I saw her I felt a sharp pain in my back. The next thing I knew, I was overcome with love for this woman. For the first time in my life, I saw somebody not as a playing piece only but also as a human being. I was immediately angry with myself; this woman was supposed to be a playing piece and a playing piece she would be! Yet I felt strange... odd. I felt like I had never felt before. I knew not whether to be happy, glad, or afraid. I was confused. Yet one thing I knew. I knew that I needed to play the game of life, whether or not I was feeling bizarre. I approached her and inquired about her Save the Rhino T-shirt.
"Look! We have same shirts! We are like twins!" she exclaimed, surprised. Her voice was very deep, rough, and unpleasant. Yet to me it sounded sweet, and her chubbiness was quite cherubic.
"Why yes," I said, "I noticed that. Are you interested in saving the rhinoceros?"
"Yes, greatly. A couple years ago I worked as a guard at a national park in Africa. I followed around a black rhinoceros for days, ready to shoot at any poacher that came near. I have become one with the species of rhinoceros; I consider myself a rhinoceros with human qualities. I will do whatever possible to save the rhino." Wow. She was a freak. Yet to me, at that instance, she was a noble, loyal, being with good intentions, although a bit strange.
"Really? Because I was thinking of doing the same thing," I lied. "Ever since I did a research project on the rhinoceros when I was still in school, I have been obsessed with the idea of saving them."
"Yes, yes. I want to kill all poachers who wish to kill them, because if they wish to kill rhinos, they wish to kill me too, for I am rhino. I do not like people who wish to kill me."
"What a coincidence! I feel the exact same way! I hate it when people want to kill me too!"
"Yes, it makes me feel as if people don't respect me. And it makes me hurt in the insides of my body."
I had succeeded in becoming acquainted with her. We went on to have a conversation. I convinced her that I had been born in Fiji, and had great pride for the country and that I had been a rhino-ologist for most of my life. Yet, throughout our conversation I still felt odd. I felt something that I had never felt before. It felt odd, yet it felt... oddly good, although extremely shameful. And as we began to converse I felt as if I cared about this person. Normally, if anybody told me that they were planning on spending $50,000 to get horns implanted on their foreheads to be more rhino-esque, I would think them crazy. Yet for Sujiwaka I thought no such things. I couldn't understand what was happening. After an hour of talking, we agreed to keep in touch. I had succeeded. Soon Gary Bauer's life would be miserable.
In the meantime I tried to learn some about Fiji and the rhinoceros, and whenever I was bored I would play the game of life some. I got a free computer, speakers and all. And one day when I was really bored I convinced somebody that he was a pelican and that he needed to migrate south for the winter. The next day he died trying to fly off of the roof of his 36-story building.
Finally, after a month, I received a call from Sujiwaka. Gary Bauer was having a dinner party and she had invited me. I was excited, and she could tell. I pretended to be excited because I was an avid supporter of Gary Bauer, while in reality it was because I hated him. And, for some odd reason, I was looking forward to seeing Sujiwaka again. This confused me. I was angry with myself. I was a player of the game of life, and nothing should be able to distract me. I was angry, so I convinced some people to waste their weekend seeing a number of bad movies. The next day, I was to attend the dinner party. I immediately began to plan out how I was going to ruin Gary Bauer's life once there.
The next day, when I was at the dinner party, I decided that it was about time that I meet Gary Bauer. Everybody was standing around, talking to eachother, and so I began to work my way through the crowd over towards where Gary Bauer was. I introduced myself to him in a very hateful voice. I said, "Why, hello, Mr. Gary Bauer. I believe that I know you from elementary school. This school that we both went to was called Prayer. Put it together, and you have School Prayer. This school was very organized. Put that much together, and you get Organized School Prayer. Now, I did not like this Organized School Prayer. Apparently, however, you did. Apparently, you want there to be Organized School Prayer. I do not. I am going to kill you. The moment this party is over, and everybody has left, I will kill you." I did not really plan on killing him. Instead I wished for him to start running around the party telling all of his bodyguards that I want to kill him. Then I would use my charismatic powers to convince them that he's a psycho. And so I walked away from him and back to my seat. Immediately he ran to one of his bodyguards. I could see him pointing at me frantically. Then Gary Bauer stepped up to a large stage in front of the room in which a microphone was. People began to applaud because they thought that he was going to make a speech; perhaps ask for donations. However, he began to yell into the microphone that eerybody should be quiet. After a couple minutes of foolish applause, they finally got the message that they should cease their clapping. He began to hysterically holler that one of the partygoers was going to kill him, while pointing at me. People began to stare at me. I acted as if it was a joke. Then he took the microphone out of its stand. He began to walk towards me. Then he pointed the microphone at me and asked me, "what do you have to say for yourself?"
I pretended that he was joking. I said, "um, I don't get it. Was that supposed to be funny?" People began to laugh.
"It is not funny! You have threatened to kill me!"
"Um, sorry, joke's over."
"It's not a joke! Listen! I demand somebody to imprison this man!"
Then I mustered up every single cell of charisma in my body and I said, "Mr. Bauer, hate to say it, but you are an extremely odd person."
Everybody began to laugh and his friends began to say to eachother things like, "never did have the best sense of humor, did Gary." Gary began to protest and tell everybody that I really did threaten to kill him, but people just told him that the joke was over (in fact it had never begun) and that he should go ahead and make his speech that asks them for their money. After a good 15 minutes of him fussing, people began to leave. The next day, all over the news, were all kinds of headlines calling Gary Bauer insane. A tabloid even came up with a farfetched story about how he suffered from an odd disease often related to midgetry that caused him to, at a certain point in his life, turn into a psycho. The next day newspapers proclaimed that he had been banned from the Republican Party and that his wife was calling for a divorce. Although my original plan called for getting his children kidnapped and sold on the black market in China, there were problems that were preventing me from fully carrying out my plans. Perhaps some other day I would do so.
The problems were that Sujiwaka was angry with me. The day after the party she called me telling me that it was a horrible thing for me to do, teasing Gary Bauer and all.
"I was not teasing him!" I told her.
"What were you doing then? He was trying to make a joke!"
"Well, yeah, he was, and it wasn't funny."
"It was funny!"
"Um, no it wasn't. He called me an attempted murderer for no reason... um... unless me and everybody else in the room had no sense of humor that wasn't funny."
"You are a horrible person! You ruined Gary's life!"
"So sue me. He tried to ruin mine. It's not like I meant to ruin his life or anything... all he did was tell a bad joke."
"I am leaving for Africa tomorrow! My best friend since college has had his life ruined! I shall go live with rhinos! The human race has done nothing but bad to me! I shall live with rhinos! Today I am implanting horns onto my body, and tomorrow I shall leave! Goodbye!"
"And all because I pointed out the fact that Gary Bauer told a bad joke..."
"Was that supposed to be funny?" she asked. Suddenly I hated her. I was overcome with hate for this ugly friend of the evil politician Gary Bauer. Gary Bauer was a man who I thought was out to make peoples' lives miserable. And she was his friend? I hated this rhino-wannabe. She was stupid and crazy. She continued to say, "Was that supposed to be funny how you shamed him?"
"Ah, shut up, you rhino freak. Go get those horns on your forehead; we both know it's only your innate penis envy kicking in," I screamed. She made a sound of disgust and hung up.
Later that night I noticed that I had the remains of a mark on my back in the shape of an arrow. I wondered what this meant. I logged on to the Internet, and began to search mythological websites. I found that when a cupid picks somebody, the mark of an arrow will be found on their back until the spell is broken, and only then will it wear away. I scrolled down to see how to break the curse. The words "was that supposed to be funny" would do the job. I suddenly noticed that she began to hate me after I had asked Gary Bauer if the joke that he had made was supposed to be funny, and that I had only begun to hate her when she asked my if my comebacks to Gary Bauer's accusations were supposed to be funny. It also said that once the curse was broken, you would never fall in love again and that you would always be a hateful person. I was angry. I noticed right then and there that until now, most of my actions had made the world a worse place. This realization gave me a somewhat erotic sensation. And so, without even being able to stop myself, I exited my apartment building. Every couple that I saw I used my charismatic powers to convince them that the other was using them, or committing some other unworthy action. They had what I couldn't ever have again, according to the myth. After a week of convincing people that they were not right for eachother, and still seeing hundreds of couples every day, I decided right then and there that in order for me to be equal I would have to make everybody equally hateful. I had to make it so that nobody else could ever love again. In order for my jealousy to end, I had to make every single human being undergo the same situation that I did in order for that to happen. Then, suddenly, I remembered something. One of the names that Jiggly Goo had listed on his sheet was named Was That Supposed To Be Funny. He was the other one of Gary Bauer's acquaintances that lived in New York. What I needed to do was, and this was most likely easier said than done, become a cupid and attract everybody in the world to Was That Supposed To Be Funny. By doing this, everybody would be chasing after this individual, saying his name. And when a cupid has picked you, just like I will have done to these individuals, and you say the words "was that supposed to be funny" then you will never love again and be a hateful person forever just like what has happened to me.
I revisited the website that had informed me of my misfortune. I emailed the webmaster asking how I could become a cupid. The next day, when checking my email, I found that I had received a reply. The webmaster told me to come to 555 Central Park West. I did so right away. I decided that I could probably utulize my charms to convince the Cupid King or whomever he was that I would be a good cupid. And so I walked to the stated address and when I entered the building there was somebody waiting for me, sitting on a throne shaped like a heart. He spoke to me. He said, "Now, normally, when I ask for people to be a cupid, I put them through many tests to see if they would make a good cupid. But since you yourself asked if you could be a cupid, I can tell that your intentions are good. And so you can be a cupid. Each cupid shall occupy themselves for no more and no less than 25 years. You start today, you may take your bow and arrow to the left of the door and to the right you will find a jar of creme. Rub this all over your body, and you will transcend your physical reality to the metaphysical state a cupid requires to operate." I was happy. I was a cupid. I would make everybody's lives just as miserable as mine. He told me that all I had to do was pick the arrow that I desired, and then shoot whomever I desired with it. The arrow that I picked would represent a certain person, and whomever I shot with it would instantly fall in love with that person. And so I began to make everybody fall in love with Was That Supposed To Be Funny.
I ran out of the Cupid King's apartment and began shooting people at random. I shot thousands before the first day was over. I watched Was That Supposed To Be Funny as he walked down the street. He was trailed and nearly trampled by hordes of devout subjects of fabricated love. And each one, upon asking his name, became hateful. I watched chaos ensue. First it was only in the immediate area, within 20 feet or so, of the object of all the world's affection. But soon, after I went on an international shooting spree, there were poor Mongolian yak herders trying to row themselves to New York City to meet Was That Supposed To Be Funny. And once all the population became hateful, any semblance of happiness the world over fell into shambles. I watched, and I love it.