I was riding the subway to somewhere I was riding the subway to somewhere, my buttocks slowly wearing their mark into the seat, my bare foot pressed up against the chilly metal standing pole for leverage, when he appeared next to me. I had not seen him before without the aid of fallacious reflection. His face was more shaggy, his features more decrepit than I remembered.
"Your phantasmagorical evidence renders me blind."
"You don't say?"
"I wish I didn't, but I did. Now what?"
"I apologize profusely for your loss of vision."
"Ah, but 'tis not vision that I have lost, but only my sight."
"What vision do you still have?"
"I can see clearly many things, many mountains, snow-capped, many mammaries, voluptuous, spurting, prolific, many mermaids, nude, fish-tailed, flapping, clapping, they applaud me when I visit the sea and plunge into the deep dark depths that only a lightbulb could see, where I can no longer photosynthesize, where it is cold, so cold though it is closer and closer to the center of the earth where we would burn and melt like butter upon thatched toast."
"Margaret Thatcher makes me burn the most; whenever I heard her notsensibles back in the 80s I would have to immediately cover my ears because my toenails would become warm, then greasy, and would eventually turn into pools of white liquid upon my toes if I did not stop listening. And had I kept listening to her lovely croon, my toes themselves would melt and my feet become pools of repugnant sweat my legs too until my torso fell to the ground and began to melt as well, leaving only my head to witness my downfallmeltdown."
"I am a nuclear bomb waiting to be dropped upon the world. I will explode with unanimous glory, send souls to heaven in a magnificent flash, people's lives will be over but they will begin new lives, enlightened by ultrasonicfuckbomb and be well on their way to Jesus Christ who sits bitter like John the Baptist on St. Peter's throne, because the old crone took a bathroom break and he's gotta make sure no sinners are allowed in his father's presence."
"But who is his father? Is it God? Is it Joseph? Or is it John the Baptist?"
"This depends if one views fatherhood as artistic, as genealogical, or as ideological. God had the creative vision that an immaculate being be created. Joseph's seed did the deed. But John the Baptist was the one to baptize him because they were both similar souls, angry dirty men with unrelenting anger towards standing institutions."
"I claim that John the Baptist was all three. It was he who convinced God of the need to create Jesus; He saw John the Baptist, and found his sociological theories pleasing, but felt that he was too renegade to have an effect, and so he concocted a plan to create a true son to bring these views into the mainstream. He was unaware, of course, of the mainstream's knack for gentrification, even before capitalist forces. And so God arranged that John the Baptist encounter Mary, who may or may not have yet been a virgin, one fine morning while she was drawing water to quench her sheep's thirst. And he offered her an anachronistic bottle of Sprite, and asked, 'Don't you know Michael Jordan says that Sprite quenches thirst better than water?' to which she replied, 'I only care that I say water quenches thirst better than all other liquids', which impressed John the Baptist, and so they made passionate love in the manger and nine months later Jesus the babe was placed into this same manger, which was yet stained by a sample of John the Baptist's semen that had been deflected after the first spurt had fertilized her egg."
"This is a very astute observation indeed. But Joseph was hence very concerned, for he had been married nine months and had not so much as touched Mary. Their marriage had been arranged and while he lusted tremendously for her body which exuded sex like a prehistoric supermodel, Mary was indifferent to him, as well she should have been, for he would later prove to be an enormously incompetent lover. He was not, mark you, impotent, though Mary would have preferred he be, because it would mean he would not constantly seek satiation at her discomfortous expense."
"You understand. God then had to send the angel Gabriel down to convince him that her pregnancy was pure. Perhaps it would have been more realistic to convince him that one night they had each drank a humungous quantity of ale, which had induced them to make haphazard love to one another, and subsequently forget about it. But God always had a surreal quality to him; he enjoys blurring the edges of reality, because, after all, he isn't a part of reality, and for his existence to be determined unreal and not existing was quite a blow to his ego."
"God was very insecure. It was because he had a small penis."
"Indeed, he had no penis. He was a woman. But she had no cunt either."
"Why do you suppose this was?"
"Before she created the human race, his pussy was being eaten by a devout aardvark who had recently been killed by a hungry cheetah and had been allowed into heaven by St. Peter after it consented to give him a blowjob—"
"And I suppose anteaters, with their awful suction, give amazing fellatio?"
"Indeed, and cunnilingus too, as God soon discovered. But it sucked so hard that her womb became an inversion of its self, such that she had an ostensible penis for a short time until she decided to have it removed because it was a symbol of insidious patriarchal capitalism."
"And this was when he told Abraham that he, too, must have his penis removed. But this was quite a request to make of any man, and it was especially also illogical, being as it would prevent the survival of his semitic race which was God's very goal at the time. And so they compromised and she permitted that he only remove a select section, which he did, with a jagged rock."
"And he ended up getting off on the experience, such that when Sarah and the mother of Ishmael's pheromones had dictated that they bleed at the same time, he would resort to smashing his manhood with stones in order to achieve orgasm."
"This of course caused his penis to be very dilapidated, and when he died it separated itself and became a lizard, which later became Jim Morrison, which later lit a fire that ascended higher than Mount Everest itself."
"I danced on the top of that fire, rode it like a wave. It burnt my buttocks to no end, but caused me to experience a lucid vision of the entire world at once. I saw India, China, France, Argentina, and Antarctica in a flash, all the people, all their lives, and this sensation was channeled through my body, through my soul, through me whole, through my hole, through my blood, and then it was puzzled as to how it would leave my body. It attempted to go out the back door so that nobody would see it, but my anus was plugged by a vicious dildo. And so it emerged from my phallus in fizzy spritzes, and germinated the fire, and produced fire upon fire upon fire, until all the world's marshmallows were burnt to a crisp and cactuses inflamed deserts until the dehydrated frogs had to flee."
"I danced on top of a table once. Greasy men put dollar bills in my g-string, which I rewarded by causing myself to be erect and allowing them to fondle me to their heart's delight, which they did, and I had a similar experience of penile exodus, but instead of being gathered by the g-string my jissom burst out in bundles and landed upon their foreheads. They were immensely offended, even after I offered them my g-string to wipe themselves."
"I once lived in a hut made of sticks that rested on top of the ocean. Waves shaped the sticks into jagged pretzels. When I decided to move because the fish were no longer biting and drinking salt had gone to my brain, I had been bestowed a brilliant concept that would make me millions of dollars under the capitalist pseudonym Utz."
"I once made millions by looking underneath the sidewalks and street pavement for spare change. I realized, however, that it was inconsequential to my godhead, so I donated it to the Hare Krishnas. They thanked me by creating a chant of my very own, consisting of my name being repeated in various melodies six times over and over again."
"I admit that I once ate a cow. I was visiting a friend who lived on a farm, and he told me to milk his cow. At first I thought he meant that I should milk him as if he were a cow, and so I attempted to squeeze his nipples, but was slapped reprimanded and relegated to the barn shed and told to milk the cow. I squeezed the utters, which excited me deeply. And so I licked the utters, and then bit the utters, and soon the stomach. I ate each of the cow's stomachs, and his legs and eyes and nose and head and buttocks and tail and hooves. I ran back to the city before my friend knew what I had done."
"Surely this has negatively affected your karma, because as we all know carnivorism is the leading cause of bad karma, and bad karma is the only cause of war and unhappiness in our lives. You are officially a threat to national security. Hence you are a communist."
"It is true that I am involved with Karl Marx, but not so much intellectually as romantically. My intellect is allied with Britney Spears alone; she is my instructor and academic guru, and teaches me everything one might know about CIA plots to assassinate visionaries and populist leaders. But Karl Marx proved a much better and more loyal lover. We spent many fine days in France. Well actually I spent the days sleeping and eating sorbet with snobs whilst he stirred up proletarian revolution, but at nights we had some notably amazing sex."
"You should have cut off locks of his hair and beard and sold it to the Spartacist League. That would be much more lucrative than pretzels or underground-spare-changing."
"The underground is an interesting place."
"It is where we are right now."
"It is where we live."
"We have been riding in this train together, sleeping in this seat together, for many weeks now."
"Although I must admit I feel that we have been separating for quite some time; is it that we are not as close as we used to be?"
"We are talking now. So long as we engage in conversations and cling to memory we shall not part."
"I love you."
"I love me."