But I have a mother...
and I go to trinity school
Trinity Freshman
smart private school rich kid these are categories I could be placed in
but what I am on paper is not what I am
but when I do the writing upon paper as I do right now
I put me into words
I bear my soul in ink
I despise to be what I am but am not
so I come to school everyday in black
woodchips swinging from my neck
hair hiding me
but portraying me
in that
I let them know with this show
that though I am of them I am not them I have no interest in them aaah I don’t want their world
I want revolution to bring revolution to experience revolution I can’t conceive anything not needing of revolution

I am a delusion of grandeur.
I feel capable of single-handedly bringing revolution
just because I have some profound thoughts
and trippy experiences
I feel that I am of unsurpassed genius
a recipient of divine revalation
I think I am God
but why in god’s name would I think such a thing?
because I am God?
of me
or am I really
even that much?
when I allow myself to be
raised and schooled and ruled

I think that I am a love revolution
just because I’ve been in love with love
just because I feel high sometimes without the aid of chemicals
I think I am already an achieved intellectual
just because I am capable of political thought
I think I am something special
just because something normal I am not

and right now I’m speaking critically of myself
getting down on myself but haha that is not characteristic of me and I do not disprove
that I am a profound egotist
that I am a delusion of grandeur
because I truly do feel
that I am on par with God
and if I do not feel this then I feel depression.

And my interpretations of God...
Nature--
as a platypus with a spatula
I feel the ability to control the natural world
Music--
I think I am able to feel music to its fullest
just because I jam on the bongos when I find time
and feel trippy when I listen to Hendrix
Revolution--
I feel on par with the greatest activists
just because I agree with their politics
and have volunteered time to the leftist cause

I feel I think I feel a lot
I feel intensity and I feel peace
I think profoundly I think deep
and I think I feel this means I am
divine or supreme in some respect.
I am unique
I suppose we all are
I base my existence, however, that I am more unique
...all animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others...
I believe in political equality so strongly
then why is it I feel I am so much better than everybody else?
Is that not an assumption of inequality?
When you put any theory to a test
it will have holes imperfections
but if I believe it strong enough it matters not
Ideology Idealism all them id words
Conquer
rationality practicality materialism capitalism
I believe against these things
I believe in striving however unrealistic its existence may be
for a better society
with no monetary currency
no government
--Anarchy--
but of course since humans suck...
I admit to myself it will never come to effect...
If I think humans suck so much why do I plan to devote much of my life to their liberty?
And if anarchy won’t work why do I strive for it?
Why do I believe in it
if any child could prove it to be unrealistic
but what does realism have to do with belief?
I feel I would be able to live
in peace and harmony
in anarchy
but I feel few others are so capable.
Is that conceited?
Is it all a part of my delusion of grandeur?
Or am I really, as I would like to think,
something special? Unique? Revolutionary?
I need to think this I strive to be reassured this
I love it when my friends endearingly call me crazy
I love it when my enemies chastise me for being crazy
it is all reassurance to my delusion of grandeur

Am I a rebel without a cause as my skeptics accuse?
Something within me causes me to rebel
is that being a free-spirit or being a teenager?
But I do have cause I tell you I do!
I care why do I care I do!
I want to rebel, yeah
I do rebel to an extent, yeah
and why do I rebel?
It is all for good reason, I feel
there is much to rebel against.
Rebellious souls are to be treasured
it is the causes that are the scourge of the earth
and for every rebel there is a cause
which, if found by enough,
will cease to cause misery.

I feel I think I hope, I reassure myself.

When you asked me if I was interested
interest yes of course interest I was interested
in a relationship
with a somebody more understandable identifiable
somebody I could be at peace with
more so than the Trinity Freshmen
because you weren’t a trinity freshman
you were a senior
and yet too an intelligent political activist
so many things I purport myself to be
and maybe am I hope?
I hoped to grow as a person because of you
you could be the answer to that transitional period I was going through.

Life is a transitional period
could you be the answer
that takes me out of the world I need to escape
the world I need to hate
what did I need? Did I indeed need?
Did I succeed? Do I succeed?
Am I me as purported? Or will my personal revolution now be aborted?
Will I go back to being the misfit child of society?
How could I live with myself?
You will forever haunt me You will.

So let’s talk about complexes
you’re a pretty complex person
I feel I am complex too
(or do I only have a complex?)
Never understood by anyone I knew
but I feel I understand myself
but come you into the picture
I don’t know I don’t know
My limits? Should I have limits? Should I break my limits?
Yes of course I should break my limits!
But I’m scared and if I can’t break my limits?
Is there anything to break?
Or are things just what you make?
And what if everything is fake?
What if love is lust
what if lust is power
what if power is grandeur
what if it’s all delusion?
what if I get busted? What if I am busted?
What if I am broken? how shall I proceed?
Greed is bad, right but Sex is fun, right?
Money is bad, right? But I need it, right, if I am to be independent?
Revolution is the answer!... but how is the question.?...
when there are 5 different socialist newspapers each bickering amongst themselves over revolution reform marx and Trotsky and this and that.

Complex.

I do have a complex don’t I, this egotism and all?
You say you give all your boyfriends a complex
well for a freshman like me always looking for a reason to have a complex to be having a senior pursuing him a really unique bitchin’ you wanting me with all the intensity that you feel all those feelings that you claim to feel too much of
Yes, that could tend to give a superiority complex.
And it put me in a complex
situation
and I don’t know how to get out
or if I will get out
sometimes I shout sometimes I cry sometimes I don’t know why now I will sigh
and be haunted
unless I can’t help myself... or can help myself?
Is it rebellion or revolution?
And what if revolution brings fascism?

Seems like the more I think I know
the more I find I don’t
every answer opens up so many questions.
yep, Jello Biafra is a good guy...
sigh.
Complexes?
what about the inferiority complex that would serve to pierce my delusion of grandeur?
When you ask me a question about myself
or my actions
that I can’t answer
I feel so ungodlike.
Trees are God
they never have to answer any questions do they
just stand there and look pretty
and photosynthesize
bring life to the world
and to me.
I am alive
and I want to live
and I want to give
me
to the world
so I write me
but is it me?
or just God sending a message through me?
That is egotistical to think myself a prophet...
if I do think that, I don’t even know... but I feel all creation is divine
these words I wrote, are they mine?
and what is possession?
Are we not all one love one heart
maybe I will live in Jamaica in a tent on the beach
maybe I will end up a druggie hobo out on the streets
maybe I’ll be a writer respected by society
and my message will have unlimited outreach
probably I will be happy with whatever the outcome
if it came out
Naturally.

Maybe I’ll live a little
maybe I’ll die a little
maybe I’ll be dead one day
maybe I’ll be dead tomorrow
you know this window is open
and the breeze does always beckon...
Why don’t I fly away?
Why don’t I fly away?
I could fly off into the breeze
and become one with the universe,
or, at least, a parallel universe,
but is it not all one?
I could fly
and I don’t know why
I don’t.

I’m not to say I won’t
I will one day
and never regret
but as of yet
I don’t know enough
and my transitional periods
are never so abrupt
so I will transition to my next position
but I think without the aid of catalysts.v My chemical reactions will occur on their own slowly
it’s funny that I just finished studying enzymes in biology class?
I got a 90 on the test,
pretty good grade,
I must know my shit
so I should have a good idea what to do now, right?
I have no idea
but I think I do.