Giuliani's Suicide Note Hi. I am Rudolph Giuliani. You can call me Mr. Mayor.
I used to be a good mayor. I can understand why all you people elected me in the first place. But honestly, didn't you notice that I was becoming a little loopy by the time my bid for reelection came around? Imagine that: A crazed fascist being reelected in the predominantly liberal New York City. Utterly astounding.
Yes, yes, I've been going crazy lately. I'm slowly sinking into depression. My wife is divorcing me, I have prostate cancer… life isn't treating me very well right now.
And it isn't fair! There are so many people here in this city who are having fun while my life is going down the drain! Can you imagine the nerve of those people! How dare they have the kind of fun that I am incapable of having!
I suppose you now know the method to my madness. People have been accusing me of depriving people of their freedom of speech and their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
I plead guilty, and proudly so.
You see, when our forefathers wrote the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they made a big mistake. When they endowed the citizens of the USA with freedom of speech and freedom of expression, they failed to realize that when people have freedom of speech they sometimes say bad things. People have been making fun of me lately as I slip into madness, and it has hurt my feelings! So how dare our forefathers actually allow them to hurt my feelings! It simply isn't right!
People are always quoting the constitution, which endows us equal rights. If our rights are so equal, then how come I am miserable and everybody else is happy? One day I'll show them equal rights, and they'll be just as miserable as me.
And when our forefathers endowed us with the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness they neglected to realize that some of us, like me, are not able to pursue happiness because we are depressed. It simply isn't right to let some people be happy whilst others can't!
So I have struck out against the mistakes that our forefathers made. Wherever there was fun, there was a corresponding complaint made my me, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
There was an exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. A lot of people were going to see it, so it was plain to see that that Museum was a haven of fun. I did my best to prohibit them from showing that exhibit. But the blasted Constitution forbade me. Then I just sunk even deeper into depression.
I decided that I was going to make people suffer. One by one, I would make everybody equally miserable. They would all be just as miserable as me. Heck, I figured that I should make them even more miserable than me. After all, the one who restores equality does deserve a little extra happiness, don't you think?
So I started out with the homeless people. Since their quality of life is so low already, I figured it would be easy to make them equally miserable. I did so by championing legislation that made it illegal for them to sit on the street and sleep in the park or do other things that make their life easier.
I heard by word of mouth that a lot of young people were enjoying themselves at these things they called "raves". I also gathered that the general consensus of old people held an unfavorable view towards raves, so I had no trouble at all passing legislation that made it nearly impossible to successfully hold a legal, enjoyable, rave.
One day I was walking in the streets of the city, and I took notice of many people selling things of all sorts on the street. One person was selling CDs for five dollars each.
Five dollars? Do you have any idea how cheap that is? When people buy things cheap, it makes them happy. Why, I couldn't allow these street vendors to produce happiness! I started passing legislation against them.
Then there are jaywalkers. I hate them even more than the street vendors. When you jaywalk, you save time. Saving time is convenient, and convenience leads to happiness. I began to crack down on jaywalking too.
I believe that I have been quite successful in my quest to obliterate happiness. I thank in part my plan to install hidden surveillance cameras all over the city. With these hidden cameras, I can investigate the citizens of New York and comprehend what makes them most happy so that I can go about eliminating this cause of happiness. The New York Civil Liberties Union documented my success quite adequately when it released this statement:
"The Mayor's cramped and constricted vision of freedom ignores this basic understanding of our social contract. Since 1994, New York became increasingly authoritarian and repressive; it was driven by Mayor Giuliani’s distorted vision of freedom... During this period, the drivers of yellow cabs were refused a permit for a procession of cabs across the 59th Street Bridge, through midtown, down to City Hall to protest changes to rules governing the drivers of yellow cabs; child welfare employees and NYPD members who wished to speak to the press about non-confidential matters had to notify and obtain the city’s consent; HIV/AIDS peer educators in the South Bronx were prevented from promoting safe sex by distributing condoms. Also, New York Magazine was refused a permit by the MTA to advertise its magazine on city buses with an ad that satirized the Mayor; organizers of the Million Youth March were denied permits for their 1998 and 1999 rallies in Harlem; the Hebrew Israelites were denied sound permits for First Amendment activity in the Times Square area; the Latino Officers Association was denied recognition by the NYPD and the right to march in the Puerto Rican Day Parade in uniforms; Spencer Tunick was denied the right to take photographs of nude models on a public street; and the Metropolitan Housing Council was denied the right engage in a peaceful sleep-in on a public sidewalk across from Gracie Mansion to protest proposed rent increases."
Yes, all of those were of my doing. And I thank the NYCLU and its director, Norman Siegel, for so sufficiently documenting my success.
But I regret to say that I do not hold a favorable view of the NYCLU, for as they were documenting my success, they were just as vigorously fighting to efface my success. And yesterday was the last straw.
Before I go on any further with this note, let me explain what it is. This is my suicide note. I simply cannot take any more oppression. These stupid New Yorkers do not realize that I am trying to do them good! I will make them all equal if they just give me the chance! But alas, I feel that my mission to bring equality to New York (and then the nation, and then the world) is destined to fail. And because I have made it my mission in life to bring equality to New York, I feel as if I have failed at life. And there is no use in living a failed life, so I will end it.
But I hereby vow that I will end my life with a bang. This will be the most momentous suicide in ages!
Yesterday, December 9 of the year 2000, on the 20th anniversary of John Lennon's death, there was held a vigil to commemorate his life. Let me tell you, I hate that John Lennon person. His music made people happy. But then there were those who didn't like his music, who were deaf and couldn't hear his music, and thus lost out on the happiness bestowed by him. He, like all musicians, was a perversion of equality. So I attended this vigil, not to commemorate his life, but to commemorate his death. Stupid happy people! If you're going to commemorate somebody's life then hold the vigil on the anniversary of his birth! What's wrong with them! They're so ignorant… yet so happy. Well, you know what they say… ignorance is bliss.
The vigil's organizers asked me if they could have Central Park's 1 A.M. curfew waived. The nerve of those people! There were 1,000 people at that vigil. There are millions of people living in New York City, and they expected me to undertake an action which would make only 1,000 of those millions happy? How dare they!
So I told them no.
So then I'm at the vigil, right, and suddenly the person situated next to me pulls out a joint. Imagine that! I, the most miserable person in the entire world, am in his presence and he decided to do something that serves to do nothing but make himself happier? New Yorkers are such selfish people. And stupid, too. Don't they know marijuana is bad for your health? Don't they know that pleasure is a sin? Sinning and ruining their health at the same time… what Mephistopheles.
I had made sure marijuana was illegal in an attempt to equalize happiness, and he had the nerve to disobey this law. I motioned for a plainclothes officer and ordered him to confiscate the young man's joint and arrest him. The officer said to me, "aw, Rudy, can't you just let this one by? Everybody's happy, why do you need to ruin the mood by arresting people?"
I replied, "listen, mister, this is a direct order from your mayor to confiscate the illegal substance that he is using right now and put him in jail! Get to it!"
He obeyed. He confiscated and handcuffed, and then I motioned for him again.
He approached, and then asked, "what is it this time?"
I said, "now give that to me."
He eyed me bewilderedly. "Mr. Mayor? I should give the marijuana to you?"
"Yes, yes, that's what I just said isn't it?"
So he gave it to me.
I eyed the joint suspiciously. I had never smoked marijuana before. I had always lived a healthy life. But, you know, I was going to die of prostate cancer anyway, and heck, I was depressed. So I was about to inhale for the very first time of my life, but then suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see Norman Siegel. He was talking to the police officer who I had just commanded. He was arguing that the arrest shouldn't be made. And that right there was the last straw. I approached another officer and demanded that he give me his gun. He, less willful than the previous officer, rather submissively obeyed.
I immediately went with the gun to my house. I found a copy of both the Constitution and Declaration of Independence. I also found a book of matches.
Now I am writing this suicide note. Let me tell you what I am going to do with the gun, match, and documents.
I will take these objects with myself to NYCLU headquarters downtown at 125 Broad Street.
Outside of the headquarters, I will speak. I will draw a rather large crowd after a while.
I will speak for an hour, defaming the Constitution. Many will call me crazy, many a fascist, but I will not care.
Then I will strike a match and burn the Constitution.
I will speak for another hour, belittling the Declaration of Independence.
Then, I will strike a match and burn the Declaration of Independence.
There will be hundreds of people watching me by now. News reporters and video cameras will have been summoned, no doubt. Then I will scream, "THEY GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO A HAPPINESS WHICH I CAN NEVER ACCOMPLISH!" and shoot myself. It will be all over the news in New York, and the whole entire country will hear much of it as well. Perhaps it will be covered in newspapers across the globe as well. Everybody will hear much of Rudolph Giuliani. Some will think me crazy, but perhaps a few will feel sorry for me, and perhaps I will open some eyes to my dreams of equalization. But I will be dead, and my misery will be over, so what comes of my life doesn't really matter for me. I was never out to make life better for the human race anyway. I was just out to make life better for me, and that is what I have done.