Fifteen Minutes I went out to get pizza today.
I'd been sitting in my room since we arrived home around noon. I was supposed to sit up in my room and study for the Latin exam… but of course I lost all the sheets we need to study long ago so there was nothing going there. So I called my girlfriend to see if maybe she was free and we could do something… but there was no answer at her house cuz she's probably out with her friends doing something already.
So instead I just sat in my room and started writing. I wrote absolutely psychotic, absolutely brilliant prose… about 6 pages worth of it… and then I wrote an incoherent, short poem about a flying chair and another rambling page full of my accusing the reader of not believing me.
Not quite so brilliant as my 6 pages of prose, but I liked the flying chair piece as well.
Then I went out to get pizza. I had just read a very strange book called Portrait of the Walrus By a Young Artist. It was an amazing book… and one of the central pieces of imagery in it was pizza. Because there's this walrus in the human form who makes pizza… well, anyway, it's a strange book and I highly recommend it to any strange person… but that don't mean I'm gonna describe the entire plot and relate to you my take on all the imagery and themes and whatnot… if you wanna hear about the book go out and fucking buy it, man, aight?
Well, there was a lot of pizza in the book, so I had a< craving for pizza. So I went downstairs… I ran into my mom and told her I was going to get pizza.
She looks at me, and she eyes my long, shaggy hair that I love so much.
"You're going to have to do something about your hair before graduation."
"No!" I protested. I love my hair, and I never plan on cutting it ever again, because my hair gives me freedom. And graduation is only four days away!
So she says "come look at yourself," and brings me to her mirror. I see myself, my beloved hair covering my eyes.
"Yeah… your point?"
"You're going to have to get it cut."
"No way!"
"I suggest you go to Pirko… or else I'm going to have to take it to an extreme." Pirko is our barber. My mom is implying that if I don't get my hair cut myself she's gonna forcibly cut it. She doesn't realize that that would drive me absolutely berserk and she could get seriously injured cuz I would resist, no doubt…
"No." I say.
"Well, you can't go to graduation looking like this."
"Then I don't go to graduation," I say. I'm completely serious… I would rather they kick me out of school forever than my freedom be sheared. Freedom is more important than education… cuz without freedom education serves no purpose. School is a small, but admittedly important, part of education. I could do without it… but it wouldn't be preferable.
She says to my counter-attack, "that's not an option." Oh let her just wait… she doesn't realize how much my hair means to me. And if, by chance, she does manage to hire some thugs to hold me down while she cuts my hair so she doesn't get hurt… then I'll lock myself up in my room until she thinks I've killed myself… of course I would never actually kill myself because there's so much to live for… but forcibly cutting off my freedom, that is some shit that I am not gonna take… I dig the saying "give me liberty or give me death". If somebody was trying to lock me up forever then I would kill as many of my oppressors as I could until they either stopped trying to lock me up or until they killed me…
Basically, freedom is worth fighting for.
As for getting my hair cut off… I wouldn't kill anybody if they tried to cut my hair, and I wouldn’t die for my hair. Cuz hair grows back, you know? But I could seriously injure somebody who tried to cut my hair… and I could seriously injure myself in the scissors scuffle… and it would be worth it for my freedom hair.
So she asks me why I wanna go out and get pizza. She assumes I'm meeting up with some drug dealer or something to get my fix… fuckin' bitch thinks I'm a fuckin' druggie… so I say I'll be back in 15 minutes, I go out and get my pizza. I listen to my discman on the way over… I listen to "Let's Go Crazy" on Prince's Purple Rain CD… I like that song. It's good to go crazy… and to be crazy, don't you think?
I go to Pop's on 86th and Columbus. There are four police officers inside. They're supposed to be watching the Puerto Rican Day Parade making sure all the young women don't get raped again this year… but I guess they'd rather chit-chat in a small pizzeria. So I get two plain slices and a Pepsi, pay for it, and sit down alone to eat one slice while I listen to "When Doves Cry".
But then suddenly, an ordinary story being told by a crazed narrator turns into one fucked up piece of shit which gives the narrator's mom every reason to think the narrator is on drugs even though he's not…
Cuz suddenly a hooded white owl flies into the pizzeria! It goes Hoo-Hoo! And starts pecking the nose of one of the police men.
The police man laughs, his nose bleeding, saying, "get this crazy fucker off me!"
The police start laughing together, not bothered by the fact that their noses are being eaten for supper. They say, "ahh, the owl's just having a little fun… it's a parade day, you know how young owl's are…" Suddenly a black panther jumps into the pizzeria! The white owl flies into the pizza oven to hide, because you know how cats like to eat birds for supper…
The panther asks the police man where that white owl went.
The police man says, "I'll never tell you! That white owl is my friend!"
The panther starts to lick the police man's shoe.
"You stupid black fucker! Get the fuck away from my shoe," says the cop, and starts to beat the panther. The panther is angry! It goes GRAAAAWWWWWR!
So the police man shoots it.
So, the police man says, "Kickass! I killed a black panther! Let's celebrate, for our families can walk the streets of New York more safely now," and he orders pizza for the rest of the police men.
Then Rudolph Giuliani walks in. He is dressed in drag, and his mistress is under his dress sucking his sagging cock n' balls.
He says, "thank you, officer, for upholding morality in our city."
The officer bows, and a frail, old Chinese man walks into the pizzeria and bangs a gong.
Giuliani goes crazy! "Get that chink away from me! Don't play music in my presence! Music is the work of the devil!"
Giualiani's favorite police man starts to beat the old Chinese man. Meanwhile, Giuliani puts on a Yankee hat and does a nifty little jazzy jig with a cane while he sings "I Love New York"… but before he can finish he starts moaning in orgasm cuz his mistress is still down there going at him…
A man walks into the pizzeria to see what all the commotion is about. He's dressed in woman's clothing and he wears a baseball cap with a pink triangle on his head.
Giuliani goes crazy! "Get this faggot away from me! How dare he dress in woman's clothing! Especially while I'm trying to have an orgasm… jeez, these fucking people! Officer, beat him, at my order!"
So the police officer begins to systematically beat him.
Then, the guy who sells the pizza announces that all the pizza is ready, so Giuliani and the police officers gobble down like a pack of starving turkeys while the Chinese man and the gay man moan in pain and Giuliani's mistress tries to get out from under his dress.
The owl comes out of the oven to sit on Giuliani's shoulder. He shits on the dead black panther.
Yep… that's what happened today, within the 15 minutes that I took to go out and get pizza. I saw it all… every word of it.