I had the pleasure to conduct an interview with Minyu Zhou at 14:00 hours on Thursday, May 22, the first afternoon of the annual 8th grade ancient history fair. The interview took place in the freshman lounge area at Trinity School.
Me: Minyu, you just went to look at the 8th grade ancient history projects, did you not?
Minyu: Yes I did
Me: Would you be willing to talk to me about them?
Minyu: Not without a damn tape recorder I won’t
Jessica: Why do you want to interview Minyu?
Me: I don’t know, maybe get a poem out of it.
Minyu: Haha, word jigga dog, alright Drugmaster 2K, I’ll answer your questions
Me: Minyu, in three words or less, describe this year’s Ancient History Fair
Minyu: IT SUCKED IT SUCKED IT SUCKED IT SUCKED YOUR COCK! IT SUCKED SO MUCH—
Me: Sorry to interrupt, but you have exceeded your three word limit. Would you like to cite any specific examples as to why it sucked so much?
Minyu: The Great Wall sucked!
Chris Reynolds: Did you just say you need your balls sucked?
Minyu: No! That project did not resemble my country’s wall in the slightest bit! The upper ledges that protected archers were too thin! How are their archers going to be protected with something flimsy like that! And the wall itself was too tall! It sucked! Masada was too tall! The rock was this high but proportionately it only should have been this high!
Me: And if they had decreased the height would you then remark that it is too small?
Minyu: No, then it would have been perfect. But they needed to add more buildings! There were too few buildings on top of the rock!
The Garden of Eden!—
(Minyu pauses to smack Maja)
Maja: Jesus are you out of your mind Minyu!
(Minyu does not respond, but stops speaking in order to sign Anna’s yearbook, writing, in orange pen:
“Word to your summer
dehorn some rhinos”)
Me: Anyway you were saying about the Garden of Eden?
Minyu: Eden! The apple was hanging from the trunks of the trees! Anybody who knows the slightest thing about apple trees knows that the apples hang from the branches of the trees! And the Old Testament just says ‘fruit’, never anything about no apples! Adam didn’t like to eat eat eat apples and bananas as much as you do! And apples don’t even grow in that region! It would have had to be a date from a date palm tree or something like that! Also, the serpent looked really fake and the damn flowers were bigger than the trees!
The project on Atlantis smelled too much of shampoo and hair gel--
Jai: Hey Minyu wasn’t it funny today when I stepped on your foot and you got in trouble?
Maja: Minyu why is it that you always stand outside the door of my Spanish class and look in the window? It’s really annoying!
(Minyu does not respond, but rather takes the opportunity to begin to untie my shoelaces)
Minyu: There was no Parthenon! It was just a laptop computer! Their powerpoint presentation sucked! And there were no markings on the roof!
Me: Was there anything you liked about any of the projects?
Minyu: The only thing that was kind of good was the Aristotle game. Cuz at least that was kinda fun, you know, interactive and all.
Me: So the Aristotle game did not suck?
Minyu: Well, I guess it did suck,
on a scale of 1 to 10 of suckiness I give it about a 1
so it wasn’t so bad
but the Egyptian boat! No no no no!
Were they smokin’ ecstasy when they made that
like you do, Drugmaster 2K?
And it was too damn narrow!
Too rectangular
you can see all the bloody angles!
Hell, it didn’t even look like a boat in the first place!
-- ahh, hey don’t kick my chair!
Jessica: It’s not your fucking chair—it’s a fucking bench! And it’s not even your bench!
Minyu: Screw you
The Coliseum! A source of mortification!
It didn’t have any frickin’ holes!
Christian: It had windows
Minyu: It didn’t have any bloody arches!
It was out of proportion!
It was too tall!
It had push pins and rubber bands!
--Yo Josh can I see that frisbee?
(Josh doesn’t heed his request, but rather throws the Frisbee at Andrew Divine. A scream is heard.)
Minyu: Yo that hit Divine right in the gluteus maximus!
It was like he got butt-fucked!
Haha, Drugmaster 2K, make sure you write that down!
Yo, Josh, vertically-challenged kid sure got buttfucked huh?
The coliseum!
The columns looked like pieces of diarrhea!
Jessica: Diarrhea isn’t in pieces! Do you have any idea what you’re talking about!
Minyu: If you dehydrify it then it will be,
Jessica: If you dehydrify it then it isn’t diarrhea anymore!
Minyu: Well you can just hydrolyze it all over again then it will be!
Haha, isn’t that right, drugmaster?
Me: There is much wisdom in your words, Minyu. Anyway, do you have any more reflections on the coliseum?
Minyu: There were too many vertical surfaces inside the colosseum!
--Yo Josh can I see that Frisbee?
The inside of the coliseum looked like Super-Hydrified diarrhea! haha
The floor was simply powder-diarrhea and bile salts!
Me: Beautiful similes.
Thank you. On top of it all, to sum it all up, they even frickin’ misspelled ‘Coliseum’!
And the damn Temple of Vesta was too weak!
a 1 year old coulda just blown on it and it woulda fallen down like a damn domino tower!
Jessica: Minyu!
Those kids put a lot of work into those projects!
My brother made one of them!
Minyu: Yeah, your brother made the great wall
it sucked
Jessica: Please shut up!
Minyu: Please screw you
Jessica: That makes no sense Minyu! You are so annoying! Somebody please kill me!
Minyu: Gladly
Anyway
In short,
The Middle School 8th grade history fair
that took place in 2002 AD
in Trinity School, West 91st street, upper west side, New York City, state of New York, country of the USA, continent of North America, in the West Hemisphere in the planet Earth in the solar system in the milky way galaxy in the universe,
was the worst suckiest most frickin’ cheap piece excuse of a piece of shit
ever to be conceived of!
Me: On a scale of 1 to 10 what would it be in terms of suckiness?
Minyu: It’s off the frickin’ scale!
Me: So what are your feelings about last year’s history fair?
Minyu: Last year’s was DA BOMB!
I’m not gonna say anything more or it’ll debase its value.
Me: How was your group’s project?
Minyu: You mean my Coliseum?
Me: Yes
Minyu: It was good
on a scale of 1-10 of suckiness I give it about a -7
Me: And compared to this year’s coliseum?
Minyu: This year’s coliseum was no better than Dr. Mulkin’s 6th graders’ sack of marshmallows!
Me: What did you think of my group’s Circus Maximus project last year?
Minyu: It resembled the Circus Maximus,
except for one thing,
the Circus Maximus was not square! It was oval!
Me: We made it oval!
Minyu: No, you had two long straight sides—which was correct!— I give you props for that-- but then instead of rounding the ends you just placed three straight pieces in a triangular shape.
Me: That was the best we could do! Styrofoam doesn’t bend!
Minyu: Well then you should have utilized other materials. Such as cardboard.
Plus, yours didn’t have arches or columns, and there were very little details.
Me: Whatever, man. So, does that mean our project sucked? What does it get on your prestigious scale of suckiness?
Minyu: I give it a 0
Wasn’t that good wasn’t that bad.
I could’ve said 10,
but I didn’t feel like insulting you too much.
Me: Do you have any more general comments?
Minyu: Y’all’s work are inferior to my work.
No question to that.
Write all this up today, Drugmaster 2K,
you’re a mad writer
like the Mad Hatter you got too much mercury in your brain.
remember to keep all the language
you should publish it in the Trinity Times
after you remove all the language
wouldn’t that be word, dog?
Oh and remember to write about the time with bocce in history class
remember that?
I will now do a soliloquy between Dr. Shapiro and myself:
‘What do you all think is the most violent spectator televised sport?’
‘Bocce!!!’
‘Bocce? Bocce is just a bunch of old Italian men rolling white balls!’
not if you see The Godfather, Richard, you should really read that book
isn’t it funny when Henry Marticello gets up in community time and makes those announcements about the Italian Culture Appreciation Club?
oh and remember to write about what I said about James Bond that time
remember that?
Me: Yeah, I’m getting it all down, don’t worry…