Dirty Birdie (dedicated to my rabid parrot) (co-written by Sam Schwab. He probably wrote more of it than I did but I’ll put it up anyway cuz I like it. This is also a song, alas, I do not have a recording of it to give to you. just imagine a basic blues chord progression while you’re reading it)

When I grease my dirty birdie
it has a flapjackin’ time
he smells like hogass and oil
so I fry him back down
when I fluff up them feathers
he hoots and a hollers
his eyes bulge like the bullfrogs
he croaks like a million dollars
my barbecuin’ tweety
he eats grains and seeds
I smack him beside the forehead
and white stuff bleeds
I found him down the alley
lookin’ pretty shaggy
he was chewin’ on an egg roll
and usin’ a doggy baggie
when the day comes a closin’
and his mouth begins to foam
I shoot 'em with his vaccination
my fluffer nutter goes back home