(screennameomitted): do u notice how YOU never make sense?!!!

(my response in email)

i just returned home only to find that you had accused me of not making sense.
i was so offended that i threw my printer into the window. it is shattered and my room is cold. thank you.
i have determined that your nonsensical operation not only renders you incapable of making sense, but also of understanding sense.
this is shown by your assertion that i made no sense, for surely if you had the slightest bit of reason you would realize that:
1. I am an elastic firecracker.
this is a self-evident, axiomatic truth in addition to a god-given right. i have been an elastic firecracker ever since i tripped over a daisy, at which point each of my limbs began to stretch exorbitantly with the slightest pull, and my midsection summarily exploded with an enormous spectacle of crackling, shimmering, volatile lights colored as variant as the rainbow itself.
2. You are cabbage.
surely you do not claim otherwise? Look at yourself, gilda! Do you not see the green leaves that composeyour skin? I entreat you to peel the skin off of your arm and eat it. you will find that it is also cold, wet and crunchy. Must i provide any more evidence that you are a cabbage?
I feel it is in your best interest to either seek professional help for this horrid illness or to feed yourself to a rabbit.

(Instant Message conversation stemming from her response)

OH MY GOSH...U HAVE PROBLEMS

what sort of a non-sequitur is this?
do you often address people randomly to assert that they have problems?
don't you realize this only causes them to think (and correctly realize) that you have problems?

my problem is getting pyscotic emails from YOU!
when have u tasted my arm?
how can u make the claim that my arm tastes like cabbage when uve never tasted it?

not only unreasonable, but you don't have any memory!
you don't remember when i ate your arm!
ah, and twas such a marvelous day...

nooo...do u remember when u FELL OUT OF YOUR CRIB..causing permanent BRAIN DAMAGE

gilda you did not know me when i was that young. i don't understand what makes you think you did. your neurons are as scattered as the native american population...

and if i was cabbage how could i swim?? wouldnt i just become soggy and fall apart?

cabbage does not become soggy, for it is already wet. it drips with molecular moisture utterly succulent to all tongues that are aware of godhead

godhead?

yeah, like the hare krishnas say, godhead. that's the name of their feckin magazine

i have to go eat and then call my friend in scotland
in the mean time
i higly suggest u take some medicaiton

(continued an hour later)

im done
just in case if u were interested

done what?
you have utterly no point of reference! i can't take anymore of your absurdity!

im done eating and talking to my friend
werent u paying attention?
F-!

you ate your friend! you barbarian!
and god, she's scottish, she probably has foot-and-mouth or mad cow disease! you'll be foaming at the mouth any second!

richie STOP IT

how might one stop if to stop would mean to stop breathing would mean to suffocate like a fish, who used to light up the water, leaping into an imperialist boat only to be fried and skewered for dinner?

come to my swim meet on friday. eric is coming.

oh word
i will do so.
on one condition.
you must at once stand on your tippie toes and recite the pledge of allegiance in serbian.

will u stop it

i can try. but will immediately turn purple, keel over, and sputter out life itself

R
I
C
H
I
E
!!!!!

please refer to me by my proper name; the one granted to me by god in the new testament

ugh, i gtg watch everwood

you said wood.