Congo BoBongo Hi. My name is Gaiankadilliwashodukinanglingfandongricknick. I live in Texas, but one day I decided to go to Congo.
Congo is a city in Africa. I mean state... or country rather? Shit, I don't know what the fuck it is, but I went there! You believe me, right?
So I was going to Congo. And when I got there I decided to go for a swim.
I started swimming and then an alligator bit my toe off. I got it replaced, and I lost the medical records, so I can't prove it, but you believe me, right? And then when I was in the hospital the doctor took off his mask when he had re-attached my toe and I realized that it was my good friend Mister!
Mister used to be a woman. But now she's a man. I mean he's a man. Shit, I don't know what the fuck it is! But it's name is Mister and it's my friend. And it's a doctor that attaches toes.
So I said, hey, Mister! And Mister said hi back to me.
I said, hey, Mister, do you wanna go on a safari?
Mister told me that he would love to, but that she had to attach a few more toes before she could leave. So I waited. And meanwhile I read a magazine. It had tons of naked women in it, but it wasn't a porn magazine. I don't read those. I'm not a sick, perverted bastard. You believe me, right?
So then Mister announced that it had just set a hospital record for most toes attached and that her job here was done! So we went on a safari.
We saw zebras. We saw lions. It bit my toe off, but luckily Mister replaced it. Those damn animals... I must have tasty toes!
And then I saw this polar bear. And I know there aren't any polar bears in Africa usually. But there was this polar bear grazing strutting through the jungle right before my eyes! Snow was falling from it's snow-white hide. And I know that it doesn't snow in Africa, but you believe me, right?
And then I was walking by a river and this hippo had been bit by a snake. So Mister apologized to the hippo for the snake's inconvenience, and then he went off hunting the snake. So I went back to our hut to have a beer.
I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink a lot of beer and have a physical dependence on such drinking. So I drank 2 or 3... well no maybe 7… teen... six packs of beers. And then I was drunk. And suddenly this monkey walks up to me.
"Hello, monkey," I say to it.
"I may appear to be but a monkey to you. But I will be rich and famous someday."
"My ass! You monkeys don't belong in famosity! You belong in the zoo!"
"But I am far too intelligent for my talent to be wasted in a zoo."
I laughed and told him that he was a funny monkey. I told him to sit down in Mister's chair next to me.
So he sat down, and then he took a beer out of the case.
"You fuckin' monkey that's my beer!"
He jumped out of the chair and I started to run after him. Only I couldn't run cuz I was so drunk. So I got dizzy, fell over, and puked. And then the monkey laughed at me.
So I said, "that's it you funny monkey! I am going to kick your monkey ass!"
So then the monkey pointed at me and laughed. And I got up and I put my hand on my beer to as to claim what's rightfully mine. And then he bit my toe off! I was in a coma!
And, hey, I know you can't get in a coma just from getting your toe bitten off. But there I was, in a coma! You believe me, right?
When I woke up I was out of my coma and Mister had attached a toe back on.
First I saw Mister. He told me that I wasn't in a coma anymore. And then I saw the monkey.
I told him I wanted my beer back and it told me that it had drank it. So then I said, "hey, Mister, do you wanna have a beer?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Gaiankadilliwashodukinanglingfandongricknick, but I can't drink beer."
"Whaddaya mean? You used to be an alcoholic!"
"Yeah. But now that I've gotten my operation done I have problems urinating... so I'm technically not supposed to drink anything."
The monkey asked Mister what kind of operation it was.
"It was a sex change operation. I'm a woman with a fake penis."
The monkey asked how Mister did urinate when it was necessary.
"They pump my stomach."
The monkey took out a notepad and began writing down Mister's responses.
Suddenly I said, "hey, monkey, you really could be famous one day! You could be, like, a reporter or something!"
So the monkey said to me, "I do plan on becoming famous. The only problem is that here in whatever this place is called they do not respect monkeys such as me. They want to lock us up in a zoo and sell us to a freak show. I was hoping that since you're an American that you'd take me home with you."
I told him sure thing, as long as he could pay for his airline ticket.
He told me that he didn't have any money. Because he was a monkey.
I told him that I was gonna spend another week here and he had that much time to make the money.
So Mister told him that he could prostitute some. She knew a few local pimps that she had worked for. She figured that if they'd accept a transexual whore than they'd also accept a monkey whore.
But the monkey said that he didn't wanna catch any STDs.
So Mister said, okay, fine, you do me and I'll pay for your airline ticket.
The monkey agreed. They went into the bedroom and started going at it while I went outside and threw up. And that isn't because of the beer.
So that night I asked the monkey its name. "My name is Bobongo. I'm glad you asked... because I've been thinking, and I don't think I'll be seen as a distinguished reporter if my name is Bobongo."
"You're right. How about you change it to Jim."
"I'll need a last name too."
"How about Lehrer?"
It thought that Lehrer would be a splendid last name.
And that's the story of Jim Lehrer, my friend, the monkey, Bobongo.
Congo Bobongo.

Epilouge
Jim Lehrer went on to become a famous and well-respected news anchor. He was the moderator for the CPD's well-planned perversion of democracy that they called the 2000 presidential debates.