The Chihuahua That Saved Christmas My name is Guerco Guaca. I have discovered who the real Santa Clause is. When I first discovered this, I knew I was on to something big. So I called up a book producer, and whipped up this book.
My discovery of this factoid all started a while ago while I was mutilating my hair. I do this regularly every day. What I do is I take the Supercomb2000, patented by me, and run it through my hair. The Supercomb2000 is especially designed to put your hair in the worst condition imaginable. Then I shave my pet chihuahua, whose name is Gordita Taquita. He is very gifted in the performance arts, and that is why he is in the Taco Bell commercials. I put the chihuahua hair into another of my inventions. It is called the Sticket2000. It is a very sticky formula, and now I stick my hair into it. My hair comes out looking very strange. Parts are stuck together like they will never come out again. These parts are also green, and then there are other parts that are the chihuahua hairs. These stick straight up. And finally, there are the ordinary hairs, which look the most out of place of them all.
I went to congradulate Gordita Taquito for helping me to mutilate my hair. Perhaps I had been drinking too much the night before, but I noticed that he looked a lot like Santa Claus. I began to form suspicions. I knew that this was Christmas Eve, so I decided to find out for sure whether or not my chihuahua was Santa Claus. I went outside of my house, and didn't see any "Sidewalk Santas", and then I called up the embassy to the North Pole. I said into the phone, "Hello, my name is Guerco Guaca, and I wanna know whether or not the big man has been up in the pole lately."
"Big man? Ohhhh, you mean the Sasquatch? The big, hairy man that goes to stomp on little people like me? Sasquatch? Why, yes, I saw him! Twas 20 years ago and he asked me if I hated applesauce. I said that yes, I did, and we became fast friends," the man on the phone began to relate.
"I don't mean that big guy. I mean Santa Claus. By the way, are you really the embassy to the North Pole?"
"Santa Claus? I know of no such person. And you really think I'm an embassy? Nah, I work for Taco Bell. I just got angry at the owner of the Taco Bell that I work in for firing my friend so I listed our phone number in the phone book under the north pole embassy as a joke of practicality." he asked.
"Oh, you work for Taco Bell? Then you'd know my chihuahua," I said.
"You mean you are the keeper of THE chihuahua?"
"Why, yes..."
"He's my idol! My life revolves around him! I will do anything for him!" he exclaimed.
"Anything?"
"Anything."
"Oh. Well, you can start by finding out whether he is Santa Claus or not, because I think he might be. Will you do that for me?" I asked.
"Anything for you, oh supreme keeper of chihuahuas, and anything for the chihuahua himself," The Taco Bell guy said. I gave him my number to call me back at. After an hour of extensive research on the Internet, the encyclopedia, the real embassy to the North Pole, Ouija boards, and even a magic 8 ball, he called me back. I heard the ring of the phone, and he saying, "I found out the answer! Your chihuahua truly is the Santa known as Claus!"
"Really? Wow, I feel so important! I have the whole happenings of Christmas in my hands right now! What am I to do?" I asked.
"Well, how about getting me an autograph? Come over to the Taco Bell at 59th street tomorrow at noon. I'll bring along one of my many recordings of the many Taco Bell commercials for him to sign!"
"Sure. And then I suppose I'll UPS him to the North Pole to go do his Christmas thang," I told the Taco Bell man.
"Oh, no, your chihuahua deserves only the best! Send him Priority Mail!"
"Good idea, I forgot about that! And then I can get the publicity going! I can see it right now: Guerco Guaco, the keeper of chihuahuas that saved Christmas! Yeah! I can make millions!"
"Uh, yeah, you do that. Just remember about the autograph, okay?" He asked. "Sure," I said, and I did. I got Gordita to sign all of his Taco Bell commercial recordings, and then sent him to the North Pole. Believe it or not, Christmas was saved, and all of the people around the world received their presents except for me, because I'm not Christian. I have my own religion called Chihuahism. It is a chihuahua worshiping religion. Surprisingly enough, the Taco Bell guy and I are the only members. A year later, I went to visit Gordita along with the Taco Bell guy, and saw a decaying chihuahua carcass. I knew that Gordita had killed the chihuahua elected as his replacement so that he could get his job back. He probably bit him just like he did that old, grumpy lady a couple years ago... why, he was nearly taken away from me... I would have never been able to save christmas should that have happened! But he killed his replacement just like I taught him to kill strangers that did not admire my exquisite hair! That Gordita never forgets!