The only man who saw it happen
was Billy Bob Joe Junior jam Toe Bo Mo Hutchinson from Okaloosa, Texas
and he rang up the newspapers from the New York Times to the National Enquirer and all the radios and television programs from the local public segments to NBC evening news and he even got on his CB radio and blasted of what he’d seen for an hour until a couple fourth graders got on the same station and tried to engage in cybersex with him to make up for the lack of anything else to do,
so Billy Bob Joe called them all homos and rounded up his buddies and told them what he’d seen and they rounded up their .22’s and pitchforks
and skewered a couple storks and shot a few chickens in shacks n shackles and jacked off a donkey or two fore they figured out what to do
so they decided they’d find the family of the deceased
and they ran a personal ad int eh local paper that read thus:
“if yer an aktipus
and yer bruther is a dead aktipus hoos purpl
then we know what happened.
call Billy Bob Joe… phone number is --- --- ----
PS if yer a nice lookin lady with a big rak
you can call me too”

there was a b oy named peggy Sue
who had been bitten by his favoritest cow of the family’s whole herd the day before,
the cow was named Horace, had bitten Peggy Sue cuz it hadn’t eaten nothing but oats all its life and was having an identity crisis at the time,
thought it was a carnivore trapped in a herbivore’s body
so it figured on eating Peggy Sue cuz Peggy was the only animal what wasn’t a cow that ever came within any distance of Horace,
and Horace didn’t wanna go eating cows cuz he heard that if he was a cannibal he couldn’t get into heaven, and he figured being a carnivore wasn’t a problem cuz he wasn’t no fucking Buddhist,
a good Christian born and raised
‘fact Peggy Sue rode him on into Church every Sunday,
so he took a bite out of Peggy’s piggy foot,
chowed down and swoere he’d never eat oats again,
and never eat grass either
(only smoke it, perhaps,
cuz he’s heard from a little bird that it was good shit and he could still get into heaven so long as he converted to Rastafarianism).
Peggy Sue, so betrayed
made an oath as well,
swearing to it that Horace wouldn’t eat meat again,
and rode him one Sunday to the beach
(claiming it was the new location for their Baptist Church)
and once there he tied Horace up in chains
and wrapped him in a hundred newspapers,
so no lifeguard would see the tell tale black and white spots and halted breathing of an actively drowning cow,
he rented a speedboat with some money he’d made from selling Horace’s milk on the thriving black market for carnivorous cows,
filled the tankup with casoline
throttled a ways out into the waves,
and turned Horace over and watched him sink,
the paper providing no buoyancy as it soaked up salt,
and Horace sunk, each of his four stomachs heavy with Peggy Sue’s toes,
down to the depths of the sea,
where the paper, flittering with sand
unraveled and drifted to the den of
a purple octopus,
who immediately opened one of the papers to the personals section,
in case there were any hot female octopi lookin for a night of romance and squirting of black ink and white sperm.