SECTION - 2 : PREREQUISITE KNOWLEDGE
Chapter - 1 : Male's Sexual Anatomy
I. Biology of Male Reproductive System
The male reproductive system is also under the influence of hormones and is responsible for producing sperm. The male reproductive system is both internal and external.
The testes are located within the scrotal sac, the pouch of skin located
below the man's penis. These are the two organs that produce both sperm and
testosterone, the male hormone that helps maintain the male sexual
characteristics. As sperm are produced, they pass from the testes through the
coiled channels of the epididymis, an organ that stores and nourishes them as
Once sperm are completely mature, they move into the vas deferens. This tubal structure connects the epididymis with the seminal vesicles, the two pouchlike glands that provide storage for the mature sperm. The entire process of sperm formation to maturation takes about 72 days.
When a man ejaculates (or expels the fluid from his penis) during intercourse, sperm from the seminal vesicles combine with a thick fluid from the prostate gland to create semen. This fluid (or ejaculate) is deposited into the woman's vagina.
|The development of normal, mature sperm is key in
establishing male fertility and involves an interplay of several factors:
|The production of sperm is primarily regulated by three
|In the male, pituitary hormones are responsible for
maintaining the sperm production process. The pituitary gland, which is
located at the base of the brain, secretes FSH and LH, the same hormones
necessary for regulating the female's reproductive functions. FSH is
responsible for stimulating sperm production in the testicles. LH stimulates
the production of testosterone. Under the influence of Sertoli cells and
specific hormones, immature sperm cells develop through several stages and
eventually become mature sperm cells, called spermatozoa. Spermatozoa are
not yet motile. They must pass through the epididymis, where after 18 to 24
hours, they gain motility (movement). After acquiring the ability to move,
mature sperm are stored in the vas deferens until ejaculation.
II. Gray's Anatomy: The Male Genital Organs
(Organa Genitalia Virilia)
|1. The Testes and their Coverings (Figs. 1143, 1144, 1145)—The testes are two glandular organs, which secrete the semen; they are suspended in the scrotum by the spermatic cords. At an early period of fetal life the testes are contained in the abdominal cavity, behind the peritoneum. Before birth they descend to the inguinal canal, along which they pass with the spermatic cord, and, emerging at the subcutaneous inguinal ring, they descend into the scrotum, becoming invested in their course by coverings derived from the serous, muscular, and fibrous layers of the abdominal parietes, as well as by the scrotum.||2|
|The coverings of the testes are, the||3|
FIG. 1143– The scrotum. On the left side the cavity of the tunica vaginalis has been opened; on the right side only the layers superficial to the Cremaster have been removed. (Testut.) (Click here to See enlarged image)
|The Scrotum is a cutaneous pouch which contains the testes and parts of the spermatic cords. It is divided on its surface into two lateral portions by a ridge or raphé, which is continued forward to the under surface of the penis, and backward, along the middle line of the perineum to the anus. Of these two lateral portions the left hangs lower than the right, to correspond with the greater length of the left spermatic cord. Its external aspect varies under different circumstances: thus, under the influence of warmth, and in old and debilitated persons, it becomes elongated and flaccid; but, under the influence of cold, and in the young and robust, it is short, corrugated, and closely applied to the testes.||4|
|The scrotum consists of two layers, the integument and the dartos tunic.||5|
|The Integument is very thin, of a brownish color, and generally thrown into folds or rugć. It is provided with sebaceous follicles, the secretion of which has a peculiar odor, and is beset with thinly scattered, crisp hairs, the roots of which are seen through the skin.||6|
|The Dartos Tunic (tunica dartos) is a thin layer of non-striped muscular fibers, continuous, around the base of the scrotum, with the two layers of the superficial fascia of the groin and the perineum; it sends inward a septum, which divides the scrotal pouch into two cavities for the testes, and extends between the raphé and the under surface of the penis, as far as its root.||7|
FIG. 1144– The scrotum. The penis has been turned upward, and the anterior wall of the scrotum has been removed. On the right side, the spermatic cord, the infundibuliform fascia, and the Cremaster muscle are displayed; on the left side, the infundibuliform fascia has been divided by a longitudinal incision passing along the front of the cord and the testicle, and a portion of the parietal layer of the tunica vaginalis has been removed to display the testicle and a portion of the head of the epididymis, which are covered by the visceral layer of the tunica vaginalis. (Toldt.) (Click here to See enlarged image)
|The dartos tunic is closely united to the skin externally, but connected with the subjacent parts by delicate areolar tissue, upon which it glides with the greatest facility.||8|
|The Intercrural Fascia (intercolumnar or external spermatic fascia) is a thin membrane, prolonged downward around the surface of the cord and testis (see page 411). It is separated from the dartos tunic by loose areolar tissue.||9|
|The Cremaster consists of scattered bundles of muscular fibers connected together into a continuous covering by intermediate areolar tissue (see page 414).||10|
|The Infundibuliform Fascia (tunica vaginalis communis [testis et funiculi spermatici]) is a thin layer, which loosely invests the cord; it is a continuation downward of the transversalis fascia (see page 418).||11|
|The Tunica Vaginalis is described with the testes.||12|
FIG. 1145– Transverse section through the left side of the scrotum and the left testis. The sac of the tunica vaginalis is represented in a distended condition. (Diagrammatic.) (Delépine.) (Click here to See enlarged image)
|Vessels and Nerves.—The arteries supplying the coverings of the testes are: the superficial and deep external pudendal branches of the femoral, the superficial perineal branch of the internal pudendal, and the cremasteric branch from the inferior epigastric. The veins follow the course of the corresponding arteries. The lymphatics end in the inguinal lymph glands. The nerves are the ilioinguinal and lumboinguinal branches of the lumbar plexus, the two superficial perineal branches of the internal pudendal nerve, and the pudendal branch of the posterior femoral cutaneous nerve.||13|
|The Inguinal Canal (canalis inguinalis) is described on page 418.||14|
|The Spermatic Cord (funiculus spermaticus) (Fig. 1146) extends from the abdominal inguinal ring, where the structures of which it is composed converge, to the back part of the testis. In the abdominal wall the cord passes obliquely along the inguinal canal, lying at first beneath the Obliquus internus, and upon the fascia transversalis; but nearer the pubis, it rests upon the inguinal and lacunar ligaments, having the aponeurosis of the Obliquus externus in front of it, and the inguinal falx behind it. It then escapes at the subcutaneous ring, and descends nearly vertically into the scrotum. The left cord is rather longer than the right, consequently the left testis hangs somewhat lower than its fellow.||15|
|Structure of the Spermatic Cord.—The spermatic cord is composed of arteries, veins, lymphatics, nerves, and the excretory duct of the testis. These structures are connected together by areolar tissue, and invested by the layers brought down by the testis in its descent.||16|
|The arteries of the cord are: the internal and external spermatics; and the artery to the ductus deferens.||17|
|The internal spermatic artery, a branch of the abdominal aorta, escapes from the abdomen at the abdominal inguinal ring, and accompanies the other constituents of the spermatic cord along the inguinal canal and through the subcutaneous inguinal ring into the scrotum. It then descends to the testis, and, becoming tortuous, divides into several branches, two or three of which accompany the ductus deferens and supply the epididymis, anastomosing with the artery of the ductus deferens: the others supply the substance of the testis.||18|
|The external spermatic artery is a branch of the inferior epigastric artery. It accompanies the spermatic cord and supplies the coverings of the cord, anastomosing with the internal spermatic artery.||19|
|The artery of the ductus deferens, a branch of the superior vesical, is a long, slender vessel, which accompanies the ductus deferens, ramifying upon its coats, and anastomosing with the internal spermatic artery near the testis.||20|
FIG. 1146– The spermatic cord in the inguinal canal. (Poirier and Charpy.) (See enlarged image)
|The spermatic veins (Fig. 1147) emerge from the back of the testis, and receive tributaries from the epididymis: they unite and form a convoluted plexus, the plexus pampiniformis, which forms the chief mass of the cord; the vessels composing this plexus are very numerous, and ascend along the cord in front of the ductus deferens; below the subcutaneous inguinal ring they unite to form three or four veins, which pass along the inguinal canal, and, entering the abdomen through the abdominal inguinal ring, coalesce to form two veins. These again unite to form a single vein, which opens on the right side into the inferior vena cava, at an acute angle, and on the left side into the left renal vein, at a right angle.||21|
|The lymphatic vessels are described on page 713.||22|
|The nerves are the spermatic plexus from the sympathetic, joined by filaments from the pelvic plexus which accompany the artery of the ductus deferens.||23|
|The scrotum forms an admirable covering for the protection of the testes. These bodies, lying suspended and loose in the cavity of the scrotum and surrounded by serous membrane, are capable of great mobility, and can therefore easily slip about within the scrotum and thus avoid injuries from blows or squeezes. The skin of the scrotum is very elastic and capable of great distension, and on account of the looseness and amount of subcutaneous tissue, the scrotum becomes greatly enlarged in cases of edema, to which this part is especially liable as a result of its dependent position.||24|
|The Testes are suspended in the scrotum by the spermatic cords, the left testis hanging somewhat lower than its fellow. The average dimensions of the testis are from 4 to 5 cm. in length, 2.5 cm. in breadth, and 3 cm. in the antero-posterior diameter; its weight varies from 10.5 to 14 gm. Each testis is of an oval form (Fig. 1148), compressed laterally, and having an oblique position in the scrotum; the upper extremity is directed forward and a little lateralward; the lower, backward and a little medialward; the anterior convex border looks forward and downward, the posterior or straight border, to which the cord is attached, backward and upward.||25|
|The anterior border and lateral surfaces, as well as both extremities of the organ, are convex, free, smooth, and invested by the visceral layer of the tunica vaginalis. The posterior border, to which the cord is attached, receives only a partial investment from that membrane. Lying upon the lateral edge of this posterior border is a long, narrow, fiattened body, named the epididymis.||26|
FIG. 1147– Spermatic veins. (Testut.) (See enlarged image)
FIG. 1148– The right testis, exposed by laying open the tunica vaginalis. (See enlarged image)
|The epididymis consists of a central portion or body; an upper enlarged extremity, the head (globus major); and a lower pointed extremity, the tail (globus minor), which is continuous with the ductus deferens, the duct of the testis. The head is intimately connected with the upper end of the testis by means of the efferent ductules of the gland; the tail is connected with the lower end by cellular tissue, and a reflection of the tunica vaginalis. The lateral surface, head and tail of the epididymis are free and covered by the serous membrane; the body is also completely invested by it, excepting along its posterior border; while between the body and the testis is a pouch, named the sinus of the epididymis (digital fossa). The epididymis is connected to the back of the testis by a fold of the serous membrane.||27|
|Appendages of the Testis and Epididymis.—On the upper extremity of the testis, just beneath the head of the epididymis, is a minute oval, sessile body, the appendix of the testis (hydatid of Morgagni); it is the remnant of the upper end of the Müllerian duct. On the head of the epididymis is a second small stalked appendage (sometimes duplicated); it is named the appendix of the epididymis (pedunculated hydatid), and is usually regarded as a detached efferent duct.||28|
|The testis is invested by three tunics: the tunica vaginalis, tunica albuginea, and tunica vasculosa.||29|
|The Tunica Vaginalis (tunica vaginalis propria testis) is the serous covering of the testis. It is a pouch of serous membrane, derived from the saccus vaginalis of the peritoneum, which in the fetus preceded the descent of the testis from the abdomen into the scrotum. After its descent, that portion of the pouch which extends from the abdominal inguinal ring to near the upper part of the gland becomes obliterated; the lower portion remains as a shut sac, which invests the surface of the testis, and is reflected on to the internal surface of the scrotum; hence it may be described as consisting of a visceral and a parietal lamina.||30|
|The visceral lamina (lamina visceralis) covers the greater part of the testis and epididymis, connecting the latter to the testis by means of a distinct fold. From the posterior border of the gland it is reflected on to the internal surface of the scrotum.||31|
|The parietal lamina (lamina parietalis) is far more extensive than the visceral, extending upward for some distance in front and on the medial side of the cord, and reaching below the testis. The inner surface of the tunica vaginalis is smooth, and covered by a layer of endothelial cells. The interval between the visceral and parietal laminć constitutes the cavity of the tunica vaginalis.||32|
|The obliterated portion of the saccus vaginalis may generally be seen as a fibrocellular thread lying in the loose areolar tissue around the spermatic cord; sometimes this may be traced as a distinct band from the upper end of the inguinal canal, where it is connected with the peritoneum, down to the tunica vaginalis; sometimes it gradually becomes lost on the spermatic cord. Occasionally no trace of it can be detected. In some cases it happens that the pouch of peritoneum does not become obliterated, but the sac of the peritoneum communicates with the tunica vaginalis. This may give rise to one of the varieties of oblique inguinal hernia (page 1187). In other cases the pouch may contract, but not become entirely obliterated; it then forms a minute canal leading from the peritoneum to the tunica vaginalis.||33|
|The Tunica Albuginea is the fibrous covering of the testis. It is a dense membrane, of a bluish-white color, composed of bundles of white fibrous tissue which interlace in every direction. It is covered by the tunica vaginalis, except at the points of attachment of the epididymis to the testis, and along its posterior border, where the spermatic vessels enter the gland. It is applied to the tunica vasculosa over the glandular substance of the testis, and, at its posterior border, is reflected into the interior of the gland, forming an incomplete vertical septum, called the mediastinum testis (corpus Highmori).||34|
|The mediastinum testis extends from the upper to near the lower extremity of the gland, and is wider above than below. From its front and sides numerous imperfect septa (trabeculć) are given off, which radiate toward the surface of the organ, and are attached to the tunica albuginea. They divide the interior of the organ into a number of incomplete spaces which are somewhat cone-shaped, being broad at their bases at the surface of the gland, and becoming narrower as they converge to the mediastinum. The mediastinum supports the vessels and duct of the testis in their passage to and from the substance of the gland.||35|
|The Tunica Vasculosa is the vascular layer of the testis, consisting of a plexus of bloodvessels, held together by delicate areolar tissue. It clothes the inner surface of the tunica albuginea and the different septa in the interior of the gland, and therefore forms an internal investment to all the spaces of which the gland is composed.||36|
FIG. 1149– Vertical section of the testis, to show the arrangement of the ducts. (See enlarged image)
|Structure.—The glandular structure of the testis consists of numerous lobules. Their number, in a single testis, is estimated by Berres at 250, and by Krause at 400. They differ in size according to their position, those in the middle of the gland being larger and longer. The lobules (Fig. 1149) are conical in shape, the base being directed toward the circumference of the organ, the apex toward the mediastinum. Each lobule is contained in one of the intervals between the fibrous septa which extend between the mediastinum testis and the tunica albuginea, and consists of from one to three, or more, minute convoluted tubes, the tubuli seminiferi. The tubules may be separately unravelled, by careful dissection under water, and may be seen to commence either by free cecal ends or by anastomotic loops. They are supported by loose connective tissue which contains here and there groups of “interstitial cells” containing yellow pigment granules. The total number of tubules is estimated by Lauth at 840, and the average length of each is 70 to 80 cm. Their diameter varies from 0.12 to 0.3 mm. The tubules are pale in color in early life, but in old age they acquire a deep yellow tinge from containing much fatty matter. Each tubule consists of a basement layer formed of laminated connective tissue containing numerous elastic fibers with flattened cells between the layers and covered externally by a layer of flattened epithelioid cells. Within the basement membrane are epithelial cells arranged in several irregular layers, which are not always clearly separated, but which may be arranged in three different groups (Fig. 1150). Among these cells may be seen the spermatozoa in different stages of development. (1) Lining the basement membrane and forming the outer zone is a layer of cubical cells, with small nuclei; some of these enlarge to become spermatogonia. The nuclei of some of the spermatogonia may be seen to be in process of indirect division (karyokineses, page 37), and in consequence of this daughter cells are formed, which constitute the second zone. (2) Within this first layer is to be seen a number of larger polyhedral cells, with clear nuclei, arranged in two or three layers; these are the intermediate cells or spermatocytes. Most of these cells are in a condition of karyokinetic division, and the cells which result from this division form those of the next layer, the spermatoblasts or spermatids. (3) The third layer of cells consists of the spermatoblasts or spermatids, and each of these, without further subdivision, becomes a spermatozoön. The spermatids are small polyhedral cells, the nucleus of each of which contains half the usual number of chromosomes. In addition to these three layers of cells others are seen, which are termed the supporting cells (cells of Sertoli). They are elongated and columnar, and project inward from the basement membrane toward the lumen of the tube. As development of the spermatozoa proceeds the latter group themselves around the inner extremities of the supporting cells. The nuclear portion of the spermatid, which is partly imbedded in the supporting cell, is differentiated to form the head of the spermatozoön, while part of the cell protoplasm forms the middle piece and the tail is produced by an outgrowth from the double centriole of the cell. Ultimately the heads are liberated and the spermatozoa are set free. The structure of the spermatozoa is described on pages 42, 43.||37|
|In the apices of the lobules, the tubules become less convoluted, assume a nearly straight course, and unite together to form from twenty to thirty larger ducts, of about 0.5 mm. in diameter, and these, from their straight course, are called tubuli recti (Fig. 1149).||38|
FIG. 1150– Transverse section of a tubule of the testis of a rat. X 250. (See enlarged image)
|The tubuli recti enter the fibrous tissue of the mediastinum, and pass upward and backward, forming, in their ascent, a close net-work of anastomosing tubes which are merely channels in the fibrous stroma, lined by flattened epithelium, and having no proper walls; this constitutes the rete testis. At the upper end of the mediastinum, the vessels of the rete testis terminate in from twelve to fifteen or twenty ducts, the ductuli efferentes; they perforate the tunica albuginea, and carry the seminal fluid from the testis to the epididymis. Their course is at first straight; they then become enlarged, and exceedingly convoluted, and form a series of conical masses, the coni vasculosi, which together constitute the head of the epididymis. Each cone consists of a single convoluted duct, from 15 to 20 cm. in length, the diameter of which gradually decreases from the testis to the epididymis. Opposite the bases of the cones the efferent vessels open at narrow intervals into a single duct, which constitutes, by its complex convolutions, the body and tail of the epididymis. When the convolutions of this tube are unravelled, it measures upward of 6 meters in length; it increases in diameter and thickness as it approaches the ductus deferens. The convolutions are held together by fine areolar tissue, and by bands of fibrous tissue.||39|
FIG. 1151– Section of epididymis of guinea-pig. X 255. (See enlarged image)
|The tubuli recti have very thin walls; like the channels of the rete testis they are lined by a single layer of flattened epithelium. The ductuli efferentes and the tube of the epididymis have walls of considerable thickness, on account of the presence in them of muscular tissue, which is principally arranged in a circular manner. These tubes are lined by columnar ciliated epithelium (Fig. 1151).||40|
|Peculiarities.—The testis, developed in the lumbar region, may be arrested or delayed in its transit to the scrotum (cryptorchism). It may be retained in the abdomen; or it may be arrested at the abdominal inguinal ring, or in the inguinal canal; or it may just pass out of the subcutaneous inguinal ring without finding its way to the bottom of the scrotum. When retained in the abdomen it gives rise to no symptoms, other than the absence of the testis from the scrotum; but when it is retained in the inguinal canal it is subjected to pressure and may become inflamed and painful. The retained testis is probably functionally useless; so that a man in whom both testes are retained (anorchism) is sterile, though he may not be impotent. The absence of one testis is termed monorchism. When a testis is retained in the inguinal canal it is often complicated with a congenital hernia, the funicular process of the peritoneum not being obliterated. In addition to the cases above described, where there is some arrest in the descent of the testis, this organ may descend through the inguinal canal, but may miss the scrotum and assume some abnormal position. The most common form is where the testis, emerging at the subcutaneous inguinal ring, slips down between the scrotum and thigh and comes to rest in the perineum. This is known as perineal ectopia testis. With each variety of abnormality in the position of the testis, it is very common to find concurrently a congenital hernia, or, if a hernia be not actually present, the funicular process is usually patent, and almost invariably so if the testis is in the inguinal canal.||41|
|The testis, finally reaching the scrotum, may occupy an abnormal position in it. It may be inverted, so that its posterior or attached border is directed forward and the tunica vaginalis is situated behind.||42|
|Fluid collections of a serous character are very frequently found in the scrotum. To these the term hydrocele is applied. The most common form is the ordinary vaginal hydrocele, in which the fluid is contained in the sac of the tunica vaginalis, which is separated, in its normal condition, from the peritoneal cavity by the whole extent of the inguinal canal. In another form, the congenital hydrocele, the fluid is in the sac of the tunica vaginalis, but this cavity communicates with the general peritoneal cavity, its tubular process remaining pervious. A third variety known as an infantile hydrocele, occurs in those cases where the tubular process becomes obliterated only at its upper part, at or near the abdominal inguinal ring. It resembles the vaginal hydrocele, except as regards its shape, the collection of fluid extending up the cord into the inguinal canal. Fourthly, the funicular process may become obliterated both at the abdominal inguinal ring and above the epididymis, leaving a central unobliterated portion, which may become distended with fluid, giving rise to a condition known as the encysted hydrocele of the cord.|
III. External Male Genitals
The external male genitals consist of the penis and the scrotum.
The penis is a cylindrical structure with the capacity to be flaccid or erect. It is very sensitive to stimulation, and it is the organ that penetrates the vagina or anus during penetrative sex. The head of the penis, the glans (glans penis), includes the most highly innervated part of the penis and is covered by the foreskin in men who are not circumcised. The penis provides passage for both urine and semen.
The scrotum is a pouch of skin hanging directly under the penis that contains the testes. The scrotum protects the testes and maintains the temperature necessary for the production of sperm by the testes.
Internal male genitals
The internal male genitals are the testes, the epididymides, the vasa deferentia, the seminal vesicles, the prostate gland, and the Cowper’s glands.
The testes, the paired, oval-shaped organs that produce sperm and male sex hormones, are located in the scrotum. They are highly innervated and sensitive to touch and pressure. The testes produce testosterone, which is responsible for the development of male sexual characteristics and sex drive (libido).
The epididymides are the two highly coiled tubes against the posterior side of the testes where sperm mature and are stored until they are released during ejaculation.
The vasa deferentia (singular, vas deferens) are the paired tubes that carry the mature sperm from the epididymides to the urethra.
The seminal vesicles are a pair of glandular sacs that secrete about 60% of the fluid that makes up the semen in which sperm are transported. Seminal fluid provides nourishment for sperm.
The prostate gland is a walnut-sized glandular structure that secretes about 30% of the fluid that makes up semen. The alkaline quality of the fluid neutralizes the acidic environment of the male and female reproductive tracts. A muscle at the bottom of the prostate gland keeps the sperm out of the urethra until ejaculation begins. The prostate gland is very sensitive to stimulation and can be a source of sexual pleasure for some men.
Cowper’s glands are two pea-sized glands at the base of the penis under the prostate that secrete a clear alkaline fluid into the urethra during sexual arousal and before orgasm and ejaculation. These glands produce mucoid, pre-ejaculatory fluid in the urethra that acts as a lubricant for the sperm and coats the urethra as semen flows out of the penis.
IV. Education on
Many doctors in the US have no idea what a foreskin does or what it is good for. These doctors know only about the "problems" guys can have with their foreskins and know of no solutions other than circumcision. No anatomy textbook that I've ever seen has an accurate diagram of what the foreskin is or how it works, although I havn't looked lately (if there is one, I'd like to know). The following pictures are intended show a lot more.
I'm really putting this up because so many people have been asking the question. So here it goes...
The foreskin - What it does
The foreskin performs several important functions. Most of these functions center on making sex more enjoyable, not only for just one, but for both partners.
The foreskin - What it is
First what the foreskin is not: The foreskin is not a flap of skin on the end of the penis. This kind of terminology has been used to imply that the foreskin is something redundant with no real function, that can easily be removed with no consequence. This is not the case.
The foreskin is special in that it is not directly attached as most skin is. It is free to slide up and down the shaft of the penis with almost no friction. The foreskin can be thought of as a continuation of the tube of skin that covers the shaft of the penis, but much longer. This tube of skin is firmly attached only at the base of the penis and at the head of the penis. In between the points of attachment this tube of skin has the special property that easily slides on the shaft of the penis rather than being firmly connected as most skin is. The foreskin's length and the fact that it is unattached in the middle allows it to slide up and down the shaft of the penis and roll in on itself over the head of the penis (see diagram below).
The foreskin is long enough so that it continues down the shaft of the penis and rolls in on itself over the head of the penis. For those of you who are only familiar with circumcised penises, that means that an intact penis has two to three times as much skin that a circumcised penis.
A foreskin is long. An intact penis has two to three times the length of skin that a circumcised penis has. When flaccid, most of this length is taken up in the double fold of skin covering the head of the penis. When erect the foreskin can roll back to allow the penis to lengthen while still allowing the skin on the shaft of the penis to remain loose. The foreskin is often long enough to cover the head of the penis while erect.
The foreskin is extremely sensitive. It is filled with nerve endings called stretch receptors that fire when they are stretched, rolled, or massaged.
Things that are not obvious from these pictures:
The head of the penis has no skin. This may be a surprise to those of you who are familiar only with circumcised penises. The head of the penis is actually covered by a very thin moist mucus membrane, very much like the inside of the lip or the inside of the eyelid. The head of the penis is not meant to be exposed to the elements such as friction against clothing, friction during sex, the sun's rays, or soap (in infants urine or feces). The head of the penis is supposed to be protected by the warm, moist coccoon that the foreskin creates. If the foreskin is remvoed, the mucus membrane of the penis thickens in response to the lack of protection. It may look like skin, but it is not.
The foreskin is lined with smoothe muscle fibers which contract to make the foreskin wrap snugly around the head of the penis. These muscle fibers can relax to permit the foreskin to be retracted.
Friction. There is no friction.
V. PENIS ANATOMY
Although the penis is a rather ordinary, everyday organ (at least for about 50% of the population), it is surprising how little some people know about this part of the body. In some animals, the penis is equipped with a small bone, not so in humans. In the adult male, the penis is about 2 to 3 inches long, although this can differ from day to day. When it is cold, the penis can withdraw into the fatty tissue overlying the pubic bone, which makes it seem shorter, especially in men with a lot of fat there. There is generally little variation in the 'real' length of the penis between different men; in some races it's somewhat longer, in others a bit shorter. During erection, the penile length varies between 6 and 8 inches.
Three major structures can be found in the penis: the urethra and two long cylinders, the erectile bodies.
The urethra, with a thick, spongy cylinder around it, is located below. The urethra is designed to conduct urine to the outside world, but can only be considered a tube when it does; after the urine is expelled, the elastic fibers in its wall make sure it collapses. The tube ends at the glans of the penis. The skin on the glans is very sensitive and is normally protected by the foreskin, which acts as a cover. The foreskin should be able to slide back and forth over the glans easily, although this is not always the case yet in children. To ease the sliding, small glands produce a kind of grease. When this area of the body is not cleaned regularly, the grease may become noticeable as smegma. In the middle of the lower part of the foreskin a small skin-slip can be found (Latin: phrenulum), running from the foreskin towards the opening of the urethra; the function of this slip of foreskin is unknown, but sometimes it can be painful during erections when it is too short.
The erectile bodies, long cylinders, that are located next to each other at the 'back' of the penis. They contain blood. During erection, the amount of blood inside the cylinders increases, because the inflow increases and the outflow of blood decreases; the cylinders are filled to the limit with blood and will stand upright, causing erection of the penis; it works just like those cylindric balloons. To ensure a good blood supply, several blood vessels run towards the erectile bodies and a dense web of small nerve fibers ensure the opening and closing of the right vessels during erection. Since there are no stiff structures, like bones or something similar, in the penis to give it rigidity, the penis is connected to the pubic bone by strong connective tissue; because of this, the erect penis is still rather stabile and pointing slightly upwards.
As you will undoubtedly know, the penis has three functions:
Urinating. This is a rather plain and simple function, where the penis serves as a extension of the urethra, thus enabling males to urinate easy anywhere they want without spilling any urine. In women this is more difficult and they will have to find a place to squat.
Sexuality. Simply put: an erect penis, i.e. a stiff one, can give pleasure. Having an erection is, however, a complicated procedure. In order to have an adequate erection three conditions must be fulfilled:
- a certain amount of lust is required (Latin: libido)
- a good inflow and outflow of blood is necessary
- the management, i.e. the nerve supply, must be functioning properly
Getting and maintaining an erection is an automated process. It is mainly run from the nerve cells in the spinal chord. Of course, the owner of the penis does have some say in it, but only up to a limit, for instance by thinking or not thinking about someone/something (porn movies). The effects will generally be limited to erection or no erection; it is pretty hard to want to have only a bit of an erection. To show that the erection is governed by the spinal chord one can use a vibrator. The vibrations of the machine will excite the nerve endings in the glans of the penis and will elicit an erection via a reflex mechanism in the spinal chord (just like the knee-jerk reflex causes automatic contraction of the muscles in the leg). The 'erectile nerves' that run from the spinal chord to the penis will cause the inflow of blood to the erectile bodies to increase and the outflow to decrease, thus filling these bodies with blood and causing erection of the penis. If there is no sense of lust, the inflow of blood is too low or the nerves to the penis are damaged, then the erection will be limited or even non-existing.
Reproduction. In terms of evolution, erection has proven to be a good method to put male sperm into a womans womb. In ejaculation (coming) an amount of semen (prostatic fluid + sperm cells) is ejected into the urethra at the level of the prostate. The semen is propelled through the urethra by rapid muscular movements in its wall and ejected through the penis, on its way to the female egg-cell; to prevent the semen going the wrong way (to the bladder, which is closer by) the entry to the bladder is closed by a tiny sphincter at that very moment - that is the reason that ejaculation and urinating at the same time is impossible. Ejaculation is not called 'coming' for nothing: according to mother nature the goal is reached the very moment the semen came and erection is not needed any further.
Sperm are ickle, in fact they are the icklest thing you'll find in a man's body (in comparison to the ovum, which is the largest cell in a woman's body). Measuring in at a tiny 5 microns long, approximately 300,000,000 - 400,000,000 begin their journey in the average ejaculation. Propelling themselves along by whipping and undulating their flagellum (the "tail"), they can achieve speeds of up to 6 iph (inches per hour!). They get their energy for this race from the semen in which they are discharged, which is made up of fructose, protein, citric acid, alkalines, and some other trace substances. Sperm only make up around 5% of the volume of semen, which incidentally contains more protein per ejaculation than a pork chop, and around 5 calories per teaspoonfull. Sperm can survive for a few days in the female body, to allow them time to reach their destination. They have receptor cells identical to those in the nose, which suggest they may "sniff" their way to the egg
|Inside the testis are long, tortuous tubes known as the seminiferous tubules, shown in this scanning electron micrograph. There are over 200 of these tubules in the human testis and they represent the "factory" for the continual production of millions of from Antoni van Leuwenhoek to the Royal Society of London. He wrote that a "...middle-size grain of fine sand would contain at the least ten thousand."|
This image shows a cross section through the many seminiferous tubules shown in the first figure. Inside each tubule are clusters of round cells that are immature sperm. As they mature and develop, they move towards the center hollow portion of the tube where they acquire tails.
4. Variants of Human Spermatozoa
|A seminiferous tubule is cut open and shown at high magnification in this figure. The youngest, most immature sperm are located at the peripheral margin of the tubule and are called spermatogonia. These immature sperm either continually divide to renew the population of developing sperm or they mature to become sperm with tails. Mature sperm are situated in the center lumen of the tubule. Many long tails of mature sperm are seen in the center hollow portion of this tube.|
The TESTICLES are two oval-shaped glands which produce male hormones and sperm. It is normal for one testicle to hang lower in the scrotum than the other.
Each SPERMATIC CORD, or VAS DEFERENS is about 45 cm. long and passes from the groin over the bladder to form a storage place for sperm, the AMPULLA.
The SEMINAL VESICLE are glans that lie next to the ampulla where the sperm are stored. They secrete liquids important for the survival of sperm.
The PROSTATE is a chestnut-shaped gland placed just under the bladder which produces important substances for sperm survival. The stimulation of the prostate by the insertion of a penis or another object into the anus can cause a lot of pleasure. (Check out the section on the Prostate, and Prostate Cancer).
The URETHRA is a tube that goes from the bladder to the tip of the penis. In men, the urethra has two functions: urination and ejaculation. A muscle prevents urine from mixing with the semen during ejaculation.
A male continuously produces new sperm in the seminiferous tubules inside each of the two testicles from puberty until death. when sperm leave a testicle they enter one of the epididymis (a curved structure about one-half inch long located on the back side of each testicle). Inside each epididymis is a thin, tightly coiled tube (about 20 feet long!) where, as the sperm move through, they undergo a maturation process which gives them the ability to swim in a forward motion.
Then sperm enter one of the vas deferens. Each is a tube about 20 inches long which leads from one testicle, up into the body through the inguinal canal, loops around the bladder, and comes back down toward the inside end of the urethra. There it is attached by an ejaculatory duct to the urethra. It is at this interior end of the vas deferens that sperm collect and wait to be expelled out through the urethra at ejaculation.
On each side of the urehtra at the ejaculatory duct, each vas deferens joins with the opening of a seminal vesicle, and the seminal vesicles connect to the urethra. These seminal vesicles produce a fuild that is alkaline (important in overcoming the acidity of the vaginal secretions) and contains fructose (a type of sugar which is a nutrient for sperm).
Next, surrounding the urethra like a small doughnut, is the prostate gland. The prostate gland also produces an alkaline fuild, which flows at emission in the urethra through ducts near the ejaculatory ducts of the vas deferens and seminal vesicles. The prostate is also important in anal sex for men. When a penis (or other object) is inserted in to the man's anus, the object pushes against the prostate causing the pleasurable feeling experienced with anal sex among men.
Further down the urethra, nearer to where the penis leaves the body, is another pair of ducts. These lead to the two pea-sized Cowper's glands, which produce a mucus-like fluid.
During the time the sperm are traveling from the testicles to the ducts near the urethra they are moved along by cilia (small hair-like structures) and contractions of the tubes. Sperm do not begin to swim on their own until after ejaculation. This entire process from development of sperm in the testicle, maturation in the epididymis, and travel through the vas deferens takes about seventy days.
During male sexual arounsel, the Cowper's glands secrete their fluid, which lubricates the urethra. This can happen close to the time of actual ejaculation, so sperm may already be present in this clear pre-ejaculatory fluid. SO YOU CAN STILL GET YOUR PARTNER PREGNANT WITHOUT EJACULATING!
At ejaculation, the opening between the bladder and the inside end of the urethra closes. At the same time the sperm, fluid from the seminal vesicles, and fluid from the prostate gland mix together as semen and enter the urethra to be foreced out of the opening in the head of the penis by the muscle spasms of orgasm.
The total volume of semen in each ejaculate is around one teaspoon and contains 120 to 600 million sperm (somebody actually counted!). But even this enormous number of microscopic sperm is extremely small in volume, equivalent to less than a tiny drop of semen. All the rest of the semen is fluid from the prostate gland (about one-third), the seminal vesicles (about two-thirds) and other internal glands. This explans why the volume of a man's ejaculate is not noticeably reduced after a vasectomy since only the sperm are missing.
The colour of semen varies, normally shades of white, yellow or gray. The texture is usualy creamy, sticky, and thick immediately after ejaculation. The semen then becomes more liquid but eventually dries after exposure to air.
Any time a man has difficulty urinating or ejaculating, or if semen changes, he should consult a urologist.
Infant circumcision is made more acceptable by believing the notion that there is a flap of skin at the end of the penis called the foreskin which hangs over the glans and circumcision simply removes that flap. This is factually incorrect. By thinking that the foreskin is separate or "extra" tissue it is easier to believe that its removal does little to impact or change the rest of the skin of the penis.
There is really no separate anatomical structure called the foreskin. Rather there is one single continuous skin sheath of the penis which is called the skin system. This single, uninterrupted skin sheath may, at any given time, fold to varying degrees over the glans or retract to reveal it. The amount of the skin system that is folded over can be referred to as the forefold of the skin system. Its extent changes often to accommodate degrees of erection, and it is never a separate structure from the skin of the shaft.
What the operation called circumcision actually does then is to interrupt and
significantly reduce the skin system of the penis to a fraction of its normal
anatomical and functional extent.
The intact penis is covered by one single continuous skin sheath or skin system. The skin sheath is partly folded at different times. This folded part of the skin system is called the foreskin or prepuce.
The fold of skin is often mistaken as a single layer, or a flap of skin. This is wrong. Instead, it is a free, two-layer fold that forms when the skin coming down the penis from the shaft folds underneath itself somewhere near the tip of the penis then travels back to an attachment point behind the glans (see figures 6 and 4). The two sides of the fold do not adhere to each other even though they lie flat against each other appearing to form a single flap of skin.
Also, in the adult the skin system does not adhere to the glans so it can
unfold back off of the glans, leaving it fully exposed. When we speak of this
skin sheath we are not talking about the surface of the glans itself in the same
way that we talk about the surface of the shaft, because the glans has no real
skin. When we talk about the skin covering of the glans, this can only mean the
foreskin. The foreskin is its skin covering.
A significant anatomical error has been made historically and continues today in describing the penis by delineating the "foreskin" as a separate anatomical structure from the shaft skin. People talk about the "foreskin" separately from the shaft skin. This is a mistake. It is not correct.
The foreskin is not a separate anatomical structure from the rest of the skin of the penis. This is actually an artificial separation. When the word foreskin is used, rather than referring to a separate part of the penis, it means the part of the continuous skin system which happens to be folded over the glans at any given time. So there is no real anatomical border to the "foreskin." Since the proportion of the skin system that is folded over the glans increases and decreases by folding and unfolding to various degrees all the time, we realize that "foreskin" is a poor way of describing the anatomy of the penis. Instead, more accurate terminology might be to describe that part of the skin system which covers the glans as the "forefold of the skin system."
Unlike the false border between "foreskin" and shaft skin, there is a real
anatomical border which exists in the skin system. It is between the mucosal, or
non-keratinized, part of the skin system (which consists of the inner lining of
the foreskin along with the surface of the glans) and the keratinized part
(which is the outer penile skin, including the outer foreskin). That border is
at the most distal part, or tip, of the skin system - it is the tip of the
forefold (see figures 6 and 7).
The entire skin system moves freely. In the intact (uncircumcised) male, the penis has a low friction gliding plane immediately beneath the surface of the skin which is like no other body structure. This means that the skin of the penis does not adhere to the underlying tissue the way that skin adheres to other parts of the body. This unique quality allows the entire skin of the penis to move as a unit back and forth longitudinally or around the shaft circumferentially making it the most mobile skin in the intact male.
The skin system covers the head of the penis to varying degrees depending on moment-to-moment factors such as the state of erection and temperature. The free fold of the skin system which we call "foreskin" unfolds and re-folds constantly to varying degrees, adjusting to the current state of the penis. It is a very dynamic system. The foreskin, among other functions, provides the penis with a reservoir of skin which is needed during erection. The skin of the erect, intact penis is still mobile and loose, allowing the mucosal inner foreskin to roll back and forth over the glans (see figure 7).
Thus, the dividing line between what we call the skin of the shaft and foreskin is regularly crossed by the "shaft skin" or "foreskin." The delineated "foreskin" may become entirely "shaft skin" when the penis becomes more erect because it is now around the shaft. And if the penis shrinks momentarily beyond its usual flaccid state, perhaps due to a cold swim at the beach, some of the "shaft skin" is now "foreskin" because it covers the glans. The skin system is a dynamic, mobile and flexible skin sheath that moves and adjusts to the momentary needs of the penis (see figure 7). Such a system is not normally observed in the circumcised male.
Another anatomical error is committed in describing the foreskin as a flap of skin protruding from the shaft skin (figure 6a). This notion presumes that the foreskin is a single layer of skin, like the skin of the shaft, which grows from the shaft to cover the glans. In describing the foreskin this way it is easier to see it as redundant or "extra skin" and it is more difficult to see how removing it might impact the rest of the penis. This description of the foreskin is inaccurate. The foreskin is not "extra" skin which protrudes from the shaft. There is no extra skin on the body - this is a silly notion. Instead, it is a free, double-layered fold - an integral part of the skin system. The foreskin extends from a point on the shaft behind the glans to cover the glans then folds back underneath itself to the same attachment point on the shaft, usually near the glans (see figure 6). The eyelid works much the same way. The eye lid is not a single flap of skin, but rather two freely moving layers of a fold of s kin, so that both the foreskin and the eyelid have two layers. That's why it is more appropriate to refer to the "foreskin" as the forefold of the skin system.
In reality then, infant circumcision does not remove the "tip of the penis"
or "redundant skin" nor does it remove a separate structure called "the
foreskin." Rather, infant circumcision deletes a significant percentage of the
skin system of the penis, rendering the skin system relatively dysfunctional and
rendering the penis less dynamic.
The circumcised penis loses sensitivity in three ways:
Circumcision of an infant male significantly reduces erogenous pleasure
potential in his penis when he becomes sexually active and continues to be
reduced as he ages until, in many cases, he is left with relatively little
A common misperception is that infant circumcision is preferable to adult circumcision because it spares a man pain and trauma. Many physicians however say the opposite and critics admit that most of their objections to infant circumcision cannot be applied to the adult procedure. Here's why:
Even though the facts do not support the claim that adult circumcision is "worse" than infant circumcision, some pro-circumcision advocates contend that adult circumcision is painful, traumatic and dangerous, and that for this reason most adult men who are intact choose to remain uncircumcised. But when intact men are asked about the idea of being circumcised, most say that they have no desire to give up this part of their body - there is no reason to even consider it. Their foreskin gives them no more trouble than their eyelids, lips or testicles. Instead it affords them pleasure and comfort. Anti-circumcision advocates say that it is ridiculous to presume that the idea would even cross an uncircumcised man's mind. To them, it is the same as asking why intact women don't think about having the clitoral foreskin removed.
If you are under 18, we recommend that you share and discuss this information with your parents.
For a further look at this anatomy, including photographs, visit Circumstitions (Hugh Young). Hugh's site also includes an excellent animation to illustrate retraction.
Fig. 1. Intact adult penis
|This illustration represents an average normal adult human penis. The
head of the penis (glans) has a covering, called the foreskin (prepuce).
This covering folds in on itself, forming a double layer. The foreskin is
not a `flap' of skin on the end of the penis, and it is not `useless' or
There is some natural variation in the length of the foreskin, which often covers a bit more or less of the glans than illustrated.
In an average circumcised adult man, the area of skin that is missing because of penile reduction surgery would, when erect and unfolded, measure approximately three by five inches, or a little smaller than a postcard. That is about half the total skin of the penis.
Structures of the penis
Fig. 2. Intact penis (hidden structures shown).
The foreskin has twelve known functions.
Fig. 3: Erection process: Intact penis
When fully retracted, the foreskin is designed to cover essentially the entire penile shaft, yet is loose enough to "glide". The ridged bands are situated about halfway down the shaft, when the foreskin is retracted fully.
Note: In some cases, a man may have difficulty retracting the foreskin. This is not an indication for circumcision, because there are good alternative treatments available that preserve the structure and function of the foreskin. Scientific references for information on this topic can be found in CIRP's Circumcision Reference Library.
The most important components of the physical erogenous stimulation of the penis during foreplay and intercourse are the sensations from the foreskin, frenulum/frenar band, and glans. These structures each have their own feeling, and each contributes in its own way to the man's total experience of lovemaking. It must be emphasized that emotional excitement is an extremely important component of sexual enjoyment, and intensifies the man's perception of any physical sensations from his penis.
The ridged bands, which are like horseshoes only in that they curve forward underneath toward the point where the frenulum attaches, can be found in several pictures in John's paper. There are some 20 concentric ridged bands which rub over the corona. Each ridge has Meissner's corpuscles, which respond to pressure, and they produce the sexual pleasure which no individual has a right to take away from another individual.
Fig. 4. Circumcised adult penis
Fig. 5. The circumcised penis: Erect state
|Following circumcision, the foreskin of the penis has been
cut away. The surface of the glans has developed a thick, dry layer of
keratin (toughened skin), which makes it less sensitive to unwanted
stimulation, but also less sensitive to the more subtle qualities of
All circumcised men have an annular scar on the shaft of the penis. The location of the scar varies, from near the head to far down the shaft. For some men, so much skin has been removed that erection becomes difficult and even painful. This was one of the most common complaints reported by circumcised men in a recent poll
The gliding mechanism
During intercourse the loose skin of the intact penis slides up and down the shaft of the penis, stimulating the glans and the sensitive erogenous receptors of the foreskin itself. On the outstroke the glans is partially or completely engulfed by the foreskin. This is known as the `gliding mechanism.'
The gliding mechanism is Nature's intended mechanism of intercourse. As such, it contributes greatly to sexual pleasure. Also, since more of the loose skin of the penis remains inside the vagina, the woman's natural lubrication is not drawn out to evaporate to a great extent, which makes sex easier without using artificial lubricants.
(Fleiss, Paul M; Frederick Hodges. "Nontherapeutic Circumcision Should not be Performed," American Medical News, vol. 38, no. 26 (July 17, 1995): p. 16.)
Although still pleasurable for the man, intercourse without the participation of the prepuce lacks the gliding mechanism. The only source of stimulation is the glans rubbing against the wall of the vagina. The sensations from the specialised receptors of the frenar band, frenulum and inner foreskin layer are missing.
"With intravaginal containment of the normal penis, the male's mobile sheath is placed within the woman's vaginal sheath. It is impossible to imagine a better mechanical arrangement for non-abrasive stimulation of the male and female genitalia than this slick 'sheath within a sheath.' Circumcision destroys this one sheath within a sheath . . . I would hazard a guess, that dyspareunia [painful intercourse] is more common in the women whose husband is circumcised . . . one would be foolish to discount the circumcised male's immobile penile skin sheath as an ancillary item contributing to vaginal, abrasive discomfort . . . The male with a penis already moderately obtunded by circumcision may be less apt to use a condom, which he feels may further decrease his genital sensitivity . . . because most American males lack a facile prepuce, the period of foreplay and dalliance may be abbreviated in the rush to the intra-vaginal method of penile stimulation. Both these factors conceivably could be of significance in increasing the rate of venereal disease, including AIDS . . . "
(Say No to Circumcision! 40 Compelling Reasons Why You Should Respect His Birthright and Leave Your Son Whole (2nd edition), by Thomas A. Ritter, MD, Hourglass Book Publishing 1996)
If the surgery was performed on an infant, by adulthood a relatively thick keratin layer will have formed on the normally skinless mucosal surface of the glans, which further reduces the stimulation. If the circumcision was performed as an adult, the keratin layer will form, and the sensitivity of the glans will gradually be reduced over time.
17 Functions of the Foreskin
This list is intended to be exhaustive, in descending order of importance in each section.
|1||Erotic pleasure, especially via the ridged band and Meissner's corpuscles|
|2||Acts as a rolling bearing in intercourse and masturbation|
|3||Prevents dyspareunia (painful intercourse)|
|4||Stimulates partner's genitalia, giving erotic pleasure|
|5||Supplies skin to cover the shaft in erection and prevent tightness|
|6||Stores pheromones and releases them on arousal|
|7||Stores and releases natural lubricants ("smega" and pre-ejaculatory fluid)|
|8||Makes the glans a visual signal of sexual arousal|
|9||Provides a seal against the vaginal wall to contain semen|
|10||Prevents the glans becoming keratinised, and keeps it soft and moist|
|11||Protects the thin-skinned glans against injury|
|12||Protects the nerves of the glans, retaining their erotic function|
|13||In infancy, protects the urethra against contamination, meatal stenosis, (and UTIs?)|
|14||Provides lysosomes for bacteriostatic action around the glans|
|15||Pigmented, it protects the unpigmented glans against sunburn|
|16||Vascular (rich in blood vessels that bring heat to the tissues), it protects the less vascular glans against frostbite, as Sir Ranulph Fiennes found on his epic transpolar walk.|
|17||Provides skin for grafts to burnt eyelids, reconstructive surgery, etc.|
|18||Storage of contact lenses, smuggled jewels, etc|
FUNCTION OF THE FORESKIN
The foreskin occupies a prominent position on an important organ. The foreskin’s location and structure indicate that it is the most important sensory tissue of the penis. Its persistence over millions of years suggests that it has played a role in the propagation of the species.
A well-integrated organ
Structurally, the penis is highly integrated. The glans, foreskin and skin of the penile shaft function as a single unit, not as a collection of separate parts with entirely different functions. The functions of the glans and foreskin are similar, and overlapping, but come fully into their own at different times during intercourse.
The outer surface of the foreskin is specialized to detect feather-light touch and other sensations, including painful ones. The infamous “zipper injury” is an extreme example of the sort of damage the outer skin was designed to detect and prevent, long before the zipper posed a threat to the uninitiated.
Compared with the true (outer) skin of the foreskin, the glans is only feebly sensitive to light touch, pain, heat and cold. This is part of the reason we call the foreskin the primary sensory tissue of the penis. Without the foreskin, the end of the penis is numb to a host of sensations that tell the owner whether one of his most prized organs is in good company, or should move to safety.
Thanks to its ridged band, the inner lining of the foreskin is specialized sexual tissue. The ridged band readily expands and contracts and is obviously designed to detect stretching forces. When penile shaft skin tugs on the ridged band, special “genital corpuscles” in the peaks of the ridges detect movement and trigger ejaculation. Stretching of the ridged band may also trigger and sustain erection.
Electrical stimulation of the glans triggers nerve impulses that pass to the spinal cord and then to the muscle of ejaculation. Clearly the glans has much in common with the foreskin. Where foreskin and glans part company, functionally as well as physically, is in their sensitivity to light touch, pain and heat and cold. Contrary to common opinion, the glans is not highly sensitive to a broad range of stimuli.
Foreskin vs. glans
It is unclear whether the ridged band simply plays “backup” for the glans, or whether the two have different functions. The location of the retracted ridged band on the erect penile shaft suggests that the difference is one of timing. Possibly, the foreskin and its ridged band are designed to ensure that sexual reflexes are triggered when, and only when, these structures are stretched during intercourse. The biological importance of the ridged band to conception is self-evident, but there is still a major gap in our understanding of the relation between form and function of the penis.
Penile skin has two important characteristics, apparent only on erection. Firstly penile skin tenses, stiffens and shortens, firming up the connection between shaft skin and ridged band. This change allows for the transmission of movement from the base of the erect penis to the ridged band.
Secondly, penile skin undergoes a marked frictional change, brought about by stiff, forward-pointing skin folds. The mechanism is similar to that which raises goosebumps.
The changes in penile skin are brought about by contraction of the Dartos muscle. Between them, stiffening and frictionality ensure that the ridged band is instantly “alerted” to changes in position of the penis within the vagina.
Why two layers?
The double-layering of the foreskin allows the delicate ridged band, which normally is safely hidden from view, to be deployed on the upper surface of the penile shaft during erection. There it stands a better chance of being activated. Double-layering also eases vaginal entry by offsetting the frictional resistance of “erect” shaft skin.
The various parts of the penis, including the foreskin, form a functional whole. The foreskin is the primary sensory tissue of the penis. The ridged band of the foreskin is built to trigger orgasm and ejaculation.
Click here for pictorial education about penile foreskin.
What is the “ridged band”?
“Ridged band” is the name given by Canadian anatomist Dr. John R. Taylor to a unique part of the human male prepuce (foreskin). The ridged band is a ring of deeply corrugated or ridged mucous membrane lining the tip of the prepuce. When the prepuce is retracted, the main part of the ridged band lies across the top and sides of the shaft of the penis. On the underside of the penis, the ridged band merges into the frenulum of the prepuce. Stretching of the accordion-like ridged band triggers important sexual reflexes and erogenous sensation.
ANATOMY OF THE PREPUCE
Though human anatomy has been the object of scientific study since the 16th century, surprisingly little is known today about the structure and function of the foreskin. Perhaps the subject could not have been broached without venturing into forbidden territory; the foreskin does, after all, lie at the heart of the sacrificial ritual of circumcision.
Illustration: Yaka circumcision initiation mask. Kwango river area, Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Almost certainly the foreskin has played some role in the propagation of the human species. At least we may assume the foreskin would not have persisted over millions of years if all it did was attract dust, thorn pricks and other natural hazards. In fact, the foreskin did not merely survive; it flourished to become the dominant and most visible feature of a man’s reproductive equipment.
Before discussing the structure of the foreskin, we should note two basic principles of anatomy. First, structure and function are closely related. If we know what a structure looks like, we can make a reasonable guess at its function. If the foreskin looks like it is specialized for a particular function, then it probably is.
Second, no single part of any organ is a self-contained unit. For instance, a description of the “fingers” at the end of an elephant’s trunk would mean very little without mention of the rest of the trunk. Similarly, the foreskin can only be understood as one part of the whole penis.
Another important point to note is that more than any other part of the body, the genitals have to suit two individuals. The penis must meet the needs of both user and usee!
Built like the lips, double-layered...
The foreskin, which makes up about half the skin of the penis, is built like the lips, double-layered with skin outside and mucous membrane (“mucosa”) inside. Despite their delicate appearance, the inner surfaces of the lips and foreskin are built to withstand frictional trauma; hence they are called “frictional mucosa.” They are also waterproof to withstand damp conditions.
If for any reason they dry out, become infected (e.g. viral “cold sores”) or physically abused (e.g. by premature retraction of the foreskin), they may develop slow-healing sores and cracks. If left unchecked, the end result may be scarring and contraction of tissues. Note: the inner lining of the foreskin has no source of protective secretion, such as sweat or sebaceous glands. The foreskin is damp because moisture escapes through its inner surface. As we have seen, this moisture keeps the foreskin in good shape, like well-waxed leather.
...with muscular skin
The foreskin, penile shaft, and scrotum share a very important—and unique—feature: a thin sheet of muscle fibres embedded right in the skin. This muscle layer, called “Dartos muscle,” is best known for causing the scrotum to shrink during erection and of course during cold showers. As explained in Function, Dartos muscle also has an interesting and probably important effect on the skin of the penis.
Specialized sexual tissue
The ridged band is a zone of strongly ridged or corrugated tissue normally hidden from view just inside the tip of the foreskin. Large bunches of coiled nerve endings known as “Meissner’s corpuscles” (also called “genital corpuscles”) are concentrated in the peaks of the ridges. The ridged band was first described in 1996. (See British Journal of Urology, 1996, Vol. 77, pp. 291-295). There is no other structure like it on the human body.
The whole of the inner lining of the foreskin, the glans and the urethral opening form a “muco-cutaneous junctional zone.” This means that (like the lips again) they lie at the junction between ordinary skin and mucous membrane. Muco-cutaneous junctional zones are rich in specialized nerve endings.
Females also have a muco-cutaneous junctional zone, but it is spread out over a wider area to form the inner labia and hood of the clitoris. It requires no great stretch of the imagination to realize that the ultimate purpose of penile erection is to bring one muco-cutaneous zone into contact with another.
1 picture = 1,000 words
The anatomy of the foreskin is discussed in more detail in a series of pictures.
The foreskin is specialized sensory tissue. Its unique structure, and the position of the ridged band, indicate sexual function(s).
Genitals vary from person to person. Different people's genitals are similar enough that they perform the same functions but different enough to be uniquely yours.
Most noticeable of the physical differences between adult females and males is the fact that male genitals are in full view, while the most important parts of the female external genitalia can be seen only if the woman spreads her legs wide.
The entire area of the external female genital anatomy is called the VULVA. You can look at your vulva by holding a mirror between your legs. The MONS, a name that comes from the Latin mons veneris means mound of Venus, the Roman goddess of love, is the area of fatty tissue that forms a soft mound over the pubic bone. The mons is covered by skin and pubic hair.
The LABIA MAJORA, or OUTER LIPS, extend from the mons to the anus. They cover the urinary and vaginal openings and are in turn covered by pubic hair. The LABIA MINORA, or INNER LIPS, are delicate folds of moist skin that lie inside the outer lips, although they can protrude beyond them. They extend from just above the clitoris to below the vaginal opening. They vary in size and form in each woman.
The CLITORIS is an exquisitely sensitive organ that lies just under the mons. It is covered by the inner lips which can be gently pushed back to reveal the tip (the head or glans). The rest of the clitoris can be seen because it extends inside the body. The clitoris is extremely sensitive to stimulation and when stimulated it becomes erect. Although direct stimulation of the tip of the clitoris is pleasurable for some women it is uncomfortable and even painful for others. The URINARY OPENING is just under the clitoris. It is the outer part of the urethra, the tube from the bladder.
The VAGINAL OPENING is located behind the urinary opening. During sexual stimulation erectile tissue on both sides of the vagina become engorged with blood. The whole area becomes moist. The pelvic muscles contract and relax during orgasm. One- to two-thirds of the vaginal opening is covered with the HYMEN until this is broken by intercourse or penetration or another object or even bicycle or horseback riding.
The VAGINA lies between the urethra and the rectum. Unless a woman is sexually stimulated the walls of the vagina touch each other. When a woman is sexually aroused a slippery liquid is produced and the vagina opens, or enlarges. The vagina can open as much as to facilitate the passage of a baby, therefore there is no such thing as a penis too large for a woman's vagina.
II. Guide to the Female Reproductive System
The female reproductive system is designed to carry out several functions. It produces the female egg cells necessary for reproduction, called the ova or oocytes. The system is designed to transport the ova to the site of fertilization. Conception, the fertilization of an egg by a sperm, normally occurs in the fallopian tubes. After conception, the uterus offers a safe and favorable environment for a baby to develop before it is time for it to make its way into the outside world. If fertilization does not take place, the system is designed to menstruate (the monthly shedding of the uterine lining). In addition, the female reproductive system produces female sex hormones that maintain the reproductive cycle.
What Parts Make-up the Female Anatomy?
The female reproductive anatomy includes internal and external structures.
The function of the external female reproductive structures (the genital) is twofold: To enable sperm to enter the body and to protect the internal genital organs from infectious organisms. The main external structures of the female reproductive system include:
The internal reproductive organs in the female include:
What Happens During the Menstrual Cycle?
Females of reproductive age (anywhere from 11-16 years) experience cycles of hormonal activity that repeat at about one-month intervals. (Menstru means "monthly"; hence the term menstrual cycle.) With every cycle, a woman's body prepares for a potential pregnancy, whether or not that is the woman's intention. The term menstruation refers to the periodic shedding of the uterine lining.
The average menstrual cycle takes about 28 days and occurs in phases: the follicular phase, the ovulatory phase (ovulation), and the luteal phase.
There are four major hormones (chemicals that stimulate or regulate the activity of cells or organs) involved in the menstrual cycle: follicle-stimulating hormone, luteinizing hormone, estrogen, and progesterone.
This phase starts on the first day of your period. During the follicular phase of the menstrual cycle, the following events occur:
The ovulatory phase, or ovulation, starts about 14 days after the follicular phase started. The ovulatory phase is the midpoint of the menstrual cycle, with the next menstrual period starting about 2 weeks later. During this phase, the following events occur:
The luteal phase begins right after ovulation and involves the following processes:
How Many Eggs Does a Woman Have?
During fetal life, there are about 6 million to 7 million eggs. From this time, no new eggs are produced.
The vast majority of the eggs within the ovaries steadily die, until they are depleted at menopause. At birth, there are approximately 1 million eggs; and by the time of puberty, only about 300,000 remain. Of these, 300 to 400 will be ovulated during a woman's reproductive lifetime. The eggs continue to degenerate during pregnancy, with the use of birth control pills, and in the presence or absence of regular menstrual cycles.
Most of the female's reproductive system is inside her body. The two ovaries, which produce eggs and hormones, are each about the size of a grape (approximately 1 to 1 1/2 inches). At birth, each ovary contains approximately 200,000 immature eggs. Each egg is surrounded by a thin tissue envelope called a follicle. Each ovary is attached to one end of an ovarian ligament (a band of fibrous tissue) with the other end of each ligament is attached to the uterus.
One common misconception is that the ovaries are also attached to the Fallopian tubes (named after the Italian anatomist who first described them). When an egg is released by an ovary, it must travel through one end of the Fallopian tube (about 4 inches long and about as thick as a piece of spaghetti) which is attached to the top area of the uterus. The other end of the Fallopian tube simply dangles near an ovary. The outer ends are formed somewhat like a funnel-shaped flower with finger-like extensions called fimbria. When an egg is released from an ovary, the fimbria wave about surrounding the ovary, and draw the egg into the Fallopian tube. This tube is lined with cillia, tiny hairline structures that also move. Conception occurs when an egg and sperm meet inside one of the Fallopian tubes, which is where the embryo begins to grow.
The UTERUS (also called the womb) is about the size and shape of a pear (about 3 inches long and 2 inches wide) but much flatter. It is made of muscle (the outer layer is called myometrium) and has a special inner lining (endometrium), which first builds up then leaves the body as menstrual flow in each reproductive cycle (when conception does not occur). If conception does occur, the fertilized egg travels through a Fallopian tube into the uterus, where it implants into the endometrium and uses the nutrients of the lining for the early stages of embryonic development. It is quite remarkable that the small uterus can expand over the course of nine months of pregnancy to accommodate a full-term newborn.
The bottom part of the uterus is called the cervix (latin name for neck). The cervix is connected to and protrudes into the upper end of the vagina. In the center of the cervix is a small hole, the os (meaning mouth in Latin), through which menstrual flow passes from the uterus to the vagina. It is also through the os that sperm must swim from the vagina into the uterus and then into the Fallopian tubes to meet an egg. During labor, the os greatly enlarges (dilates) for passage of the newborn.
The vagina is a small tube (about 3 to 4 inches long) made of muscle and is covered on the inside walls with a mucus surface similar to the lining of the mouth; this surface produces vaginal lubrication. Unless a woman is sexually aroused, the sides of the vagina touch each other. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, the walls of the vagina produce a slippery liquid and balloon open so that a penis (or other object) will fit inside. It can open even further to permit the passage of a fully grown newborn.
IV. Ovarian follicles up to ovulation
The ovaries contain eggs stored in small pockets called follicles. A follicle is an egg cell surrounded by a layer of cells involved in egg maturation. These ovarian follicles are formed in the woman's body before birth.
Following puberty, every month, approximately 12 to 14 days after the first day of menstruation in a "typical" monthly cycle, one of these follicles reaches maturity and is released into the uterine tube in a process called ovulation.
Ovarian follicles following ovulation
After ovulation, changes continue to take place in the ovaries. The remaining follicular cells undergo structural and biochemical changes. They develop into the corpus luteum.
While the ovarian follicles produced estrogen, the corpus luteum produce both estrogen and progesterone.
|Progesterone is required for maintenance of the endometrial
lining of the uterus where the blastocyst is implanted. If the released egg
is not fertilized, the uterine lining is sloughed off, completing the
monthly uterine cycle. Following the menstrual period, the ovarian and
uterine cycles begin anew, with the development of an ovarian follicle, and
the preparation of the uterus for blastocyst implantation.
V. The Uterus
FIG. 1166ďż˝ Sagittal section of the lower part of a female trunk, right segment. SM. INT. Small intestine. (Testut.) (See enlarged image)
V.Biology of Woman's Reproductive System
The reproductive system of a women is entirely internal. The vagina is the passage that leads from the outside of the body to the cervix, which is the opening to the uterus. The uterus is the muscular organ where a fertilized egg attaches and develops. It is about the size and shape of a pear, and is lined with a rich and nourishing mucous membrane called the endometrium
From the top of the uterus extend the fallopian tubes, which
lead backward and downward to the ovaries. These are the two small sacs that
contain the eggs. A woman is born with about 400,000 eggs. Each month during her
reproductive years, usually only a single egg, or ovum, matures. The egg matures
inside a follicle within an ovary. At midcycle, the egg is released from the
follicle in a process called ovulation. The egg then enters and travels down one
of the fallopian tubes toward the uterus. When the egg reaches the end of the
fallopian tube, it is ready for fertilization by the man's sperm.
This sequence of events is controlled by monthly changes in a woman's hormone levels. To help understand the process a little better, it is important to understand the role of the menstrual cycle and the hormones involved
Hormones. The cycle is driven by two hormones:
|Follicular Phase. On the first day of the cycle,
when menstruation begins, the uterus sheds its lining from the previous
cycle. During this phase, the pituitary gland, located at the base of the
brain, releases two hormones, follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and
luteinizing hormone (LH), which stimulate the ovary and cause follicular
growth. The developing follicle secretes the hormone estrogen, which has
several important roles in the body.
Ovulatory Phase. One of these roles results in midcycle changes in the cervical mucus about the time of ovulation. During the ovulatory phase, this abundant mucus is prepared to receive and nourish sperm from the man.
The ovulatory phase begins when the level of LH surges, causing the follicle to rupture and the egg to be released from the ovary. The fimbria of the fallopian tube sweep over the ovary and wave the egg into the fallopian tube.
Luteal Phase. After ovulation occurs, the luteal phase begins. During the luteal phase, the follicle that produced the egg becomes a functioning gland called the corpus luteum. The corpus luteum produces progesterone, which prepares the uterus with the rich lining needed for implantation.
If fertilization does not occur, the ovum passes through the uterus, and the corpus luteum will cease to function on about Day 26. The uterus will then break down and shed its lining several days later, and the next menstrual period begins.
VI. Clitoral & Labial Size
For the avoidance of doubt the actual clitoris is marked on the tip with a dot, immediately below the 'V'. Four out of five women have a clitoris smaller than this!
Big Clitoris (very unusual) that looks good enough to eat, unless you're allergic to peanuts .... one in 500?
Women Have Them Too!
It may be hard for many to imagine why women should be concerned about the size and shape of their genitals. This is because we often do not envision women as having external genitals; everything is supposed to be inside their body and out of sight. Women have a vagina. This is what we are told in school and life. The fact that girls and women have a vulva is seldom mentioned. Only boys and men are supposed to have external genitals. What most people do not realize is women and girls do in fact have genitals that come in all shapes, colors, textures, and sizes.
As young girls, women may come to see their genitals as nothing more than a smooth dimple between their thighs. What is there is small, smooth, pink, and non-distinct. While the genitals of young girls do vary, they all look pretty much the same to the casual observer. (There are normal and healthy preadolescent girls who have very prominent labia and clitorises.) Young girls are not likely to know the vulva of their mother and other adult women often look much different from their own. Since pubic hair usually conceals the genitals of adult women, even if girls see adult women naked, they are likely to believe their genitals look the same. Not allowing girls to examine the genitals of their mother and other adult women, and by not permitting them to see pictures of vulvae can have a very negative affect on their self-image later in life.
Puberty: The Time of Change
During puberty a girl's genitals can undergo a major transformation. Before puberty the skin of the vulva is thin, and is easily injured and irritated. Even before noticeable breast development the tissues of the vulva start responding to increased hormonal levels by becoming thicker and larger. During puberty a girl's inner and outer labia, hood, clitoris, and hymen often increase markedly in size. Not only may the size of a girl's genitals change, but also their shape, color, and texture. Since pubic hair also starts growing at this time girls are less likely to be aware of these changes unless they go looking with a mirror or notice while exploring with their fingers. Even if a girl bathes with other girls she is not likely to be aware that they too have experienced the same changes. Girls and women after all are not usually permitted to play genital show and tell; mutual exploration is not unusual among young girls. (Girls and women usually glance at the genitals of other girls and women when they have the opportunity, because of natural curiosity.) Following puberty, a girl's genitals may look nothing like they did during childhood.
If teenagers and women examine their genitals they may become concerned about these changes, feeling strange and perverse. They may feel they have deformed their genitals while masturbating, and as a result everyone who sees their genitals will know they masturbate. They may feel they are being punished for having sexual thoughts. It is for these reasons that girls and young teenagers should be made aware of these changes. They should know these changes are normal and necessary, to help improve their self-image. You do not want them to feel a need to hide their genitals.
Exploring Forbidden Territory
In years past women would never think of looking at or even touching their genitals. This was strictly the responsibility of a doctor. Their own genitals were off limits. Today, women are more comfortable with their bodies and are more likely to explore their genitals. When they explore their genitals they may not be happy with what they find. Women usually have an unrealistic expectation of how their genitals should look. Most anatomy books portray the female genitals as small and uniform. If the illustrations are in color, the vulva is usually shown as being uniformly pink. As a result, it is reasonable to believe that many women feel uncomfortable with the appearance of their genitals even if they feel comfortable about looking at them. This may have major repercussions on their sexuality. We tend to hide that which we are ashamed of and embarrassed by.
Since so many women do view their genitals with some degree of shame, they feel very uncomfortable with the idea of looking at photographs of other women's genitals. They feel such pictures, and people looking at them, are inappropriate. The truth is, these photographs hold the key to helping women come to appreciate and understand the normal diversity of the female genitals. A woman can spend all day in a woman's locker room and never see a single vulva, as pubic hair usually conceals them from view. The only means most heterosexual women have of seeing other women's genitals is through photographs and video, because women are not likely to compare their genitals with their friends.
Wings of a Butterfly
The area that seems to concern many women is the shape, size, and color of their inner labia, labia minora. For many women, their inner lips are larger than their outer lips, labia majora. Many if not most women do not have the simple heart shaped labia shown in popular texts. The color of their labia may be brown or black, not pink. They may be thick and wrinkled versus thin and smooth. As the photographs and illustrations on this page clearly show, the inner labia come in a multitude of normal sizes and shapes. These photographs and illustrations more accurately demonstrate the natural diversity than perhaps any other source. Popular men's magazines do not usually show such diversity.
The concern over labial size and shape is perhaps greater for women of non-Caucasian races as most anatomy books are based on Caucasian ideals. Women and doctors are not likely to be aware of the fact that girls and women of one racial group originating in South Africa normally have distinctive labia minora that project up to four inches passed the labia majora. These girls and women may be seen as deformed, by themselves and their doctor. There appears to be an example of this on Dr. Alter's website. Labia that project beyond the outer labia are common and normal in all races of women, but it is not as common, being almost universal, as it is in these African girls and women. The amount of projection for all races of women can be up to a couple of inches when the labia are at rest, or more when the labia are spread open.
The inner labia can be modified, as they have nothing in their structure to maintain their size and shape if they are distorted for any length of time. They are often very elastic and easy to stretch. Their internal structure is much like a sponge. If a woman happens to masturbate by pulling on her inner labia, she can cause them to become longer and thicker. A rare few actually desire larger inner labia and pull on them regularly, causing this result. Some have achieved this by piercing their inner labia and hanging small weights from inserted jewelry. Contrary to popular believe most girls or women's masturbation practices will not change the shape of their genitals, at least drastically. If a woman masturbates regularly she may develop larger blood vessels and erectile tissues, which will result in slightly larger genital structures. This is an indication of health not disease. Having large genital structures is not an indication of masturbation as some claim.
Mine are Bigger than Yours!
In some cultures, women with large inner labia were/are considered very attractive so girls and women took to the habit of intentionally making them larger. They may have started the practice as very young girls and continued it into adulthood. They often employed ritual masturbation, sometimes mutual, in pairs and groups. Some used a handful of grass to allow for a better grip on their labia. Others wrapped their labia around a piece of animal horn or a small stick. They also applied naturally occurring irritants to cause the labia to swell and increase in size. Others used symbolism, like applying the ashes of burned bat wings to their labia. In these societies labia minora four to six inches (10-15cm) in length were considered most desirable. These practices shocked the early European explores, who were often representatives of European religions, and were quickly eradicated or driven underground.
The labia minora are very sensitive to estrogen and exposure to increased levels can result in their enlargement and increased sensitivity. This may occur during pregnancy. This can become a very uncomfortable condition requiring a doctor's attention. Prescription drugs and creams can cause this. Most large labia occur as the result of genetics, not environmental causes.
Dickinson reports having examined a woman's labia minora that measured 7.5cm (3 inches) each, 15cm (6 inches) tip to tip, when spread open, and achieved a length of almost 11.5cm (4.5 inches), 23cm (9 inches) tip to tip, when placed under moderate force. He further reports 5 cases that measured between 5 and 7.5cm (2-3 inches) when spread open. See the illustrations shown at the bottom of the page.
Size of the Labia Minora
Based on examinations of 2,981 women
Length Number of Women Percentage 0-2cm (0-3/4in) 2,613 87.7 2cm (3/4in) 146 4.9 3cm (1 1/4in) 170 5.7 4-5cm (1 1/2-2in) 32 1.1 5-6cm (2-2 1/3in) 20 0.7
As gathered by Bergh, presented by Dickinson.
Girls Arenďż˝t Supposed to Have One of Those!
It may shock many to learn that some normal and healthy genetic females have a penis, or at least a clitoris that looks like a penis. Actually, all females have a penis; we just prefer to call their penis a clitoris. While some object to this analogy, it is accurate from a sexual and biological perspective. A penis and clitoris are made up of the same tissues and function the same because they develop from the same fetal structure. In males, the penis is usually exposed to increased levels of androgens, one of which is testosterone, in the womb. This results in males having a more visible penis, but not necessarily a larger one. During part of their time in the womb, all females also have a very large clitoris, in proportion to the rest of their body, because of the sequence in which things develop. In the end, having a penis is not the sole privilege of men and boys, despite what society may dictate.
What a Cute Baby ???
As a result of genetics or having been exposed to increased androgens in the womb, some infant girls are born with a clitoris that looks much like a "penis," often to the dismay or embarrassment of her parents; not to mention the medical personnel. It is important to keep in mind she is still a normal and healthy "girl." She is not deformed or imperfect. Instead of reassuring the girl's parents that she is perfectly normal, doctors often cut the girl's clitoris off or surgically reduce its size, on the premise of correcting a mistake by nature. This is supposed to result in the girl growing up to be a normal and healthy adult woman, one who does not question her sexual identity. The truth is, even if her large clitoris is removed, she may still question her biological sex, as biological sex is the result of hormonal and genetic imprinting. If she is actually a he, cutting off her "penis" will not change her true sex. A person's physical appearance may have no bearing on their true sex or sexual orientation, since male and female are physically slightly different versions of the same thing. A girl or woman may question the gender or gender role assigned her by society regardless of how her body looks. Parents should not consent to cosmetic surgery on or frequent examinations of the genitals of their children, of either sex. If there are no medical problems, there are no problems.
More than Meets the Eye!
The only real difference between a clitoris and penis is the average size of the portion we can see with our naked eyes. Three fourths of the clitoris is hidden from view. The average clitoris is about four inches in length, the same as a flaccid penis. Illustrations in the Anatomy area reveal the true size of the clitoris. The only other difference between the two is that the urethra of the clitoris does not extend all the way to the tip of the glans, as is the case even with some penises!
The visible portion of the clitoris of some girls and women measures up to about 2 1/2 inches (6.3cm) in length and nearly 1 inch (2.5cm) in diameter. When they are of this size, they look just like a penis. The only difference being a groove along the bottom side of the clitoris, where the urethra would be located on a penis. While urine may not travel out the tip of these large clitorises, they do look and function like a penis. These women, as well as women in general, are capable of experiencing erections, the sensation of having a "hard-on," producing ejaculate in their paraurethral glands, and even ejaculating. Women with large clitorises are even able to engage in intercourse, by inserting their clitoris into their partner's vagina or anus.
While the average clitoris is much smaller in size, it works just as well. The average clitoral glans is about one-quarter of an inch (6mm) in diameter and the body of the clitoris is three-quarters of an inch (19mm) in length. The portion of the clitoris that projects out from the pubic bone, and can be felt with your fingers, is then one inch in length (25mm) and a quarter of an inch in diameter. There are clitorises that are very small and hard to locate within the folds of the labia and hood. Others are completely hidden under their hood and cannot be seen, but may be felt. Regardless of size, clitorises are capable of giving women intense pleasure.
Will It Get Bigger?
The structure of the clitoris does not lend itself to change easily, as the result of mechanical forces. The masturbation habits of most women are not likely to affect the size of their clitoris, other than perhaps causing a slight increase in its size do to better blood circulation if they masturbate on a regular basis. Again, a sign of health not disease. Using unusual force, such as drawing increased amounts of blood into the clitoris with a vacuum pump on a frequent basis, can result in an increase in size as the vascular structures are slowly stretched and enlarged to accommodate the additional blood. There probably are not too many women who do this, but with the advent of the Internet this may change. Since the intial writing of this article, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved a clit pump for the treatment of female sexual dysfunction.
There are some references that indicate a large clitoris was also considered attractive among some cultures, so again girls and women engaged in practices to cause this result. The validity of these claims is somewhat in doubt, but seem likely. It is not known whether the clitoris was actually enlarged by these practices or if the clitoris was more pronounced as the result of increased mobility caused by the stretching of the connective tissues. The clitorises of these women may have been more visible versus larger.
The clitoris is very sensitive to androgens like testosterone. Prescription and non-prescription steroidal drugs can cause a woman's clitoris to increase in size. Some clitorises achieve a maximum length of about 2 1/2 inches (6.3cm), if steroids are taken for an extended period of time and depending on the age of the woman. Female athletes who take steroids to increase muscles mass and strength often experience this side affect. As do female to male transsexuals. Sometimes steroids are prescribed to treat other medical conditions, like lack of libido, causing this result, but usually to a lesser degree. The vast majorities of large clitorises are the result of genetics, not drugs as some presume, believing a giant sized clitoris cannot be natural.
While there is no evidence to support the claim that a bigger clitoris functions better, a few women do have a form of penis envy. As more women are learning that their clitoris is much like a small penis and capable of being much larger, some are expressing a desire to enlarge their clitoris. Perhaps in hopes that if it were larger it would function better and be easier for their partner and themselves to find and stimulate. A few women may even desire a little penis of their own, even if they are happy being a feminine woman. In addition, if a woman feels better about the size of her clitoris, she is likely to be more sexual and more sexually responsive having acquired a larger clitoris, or even a smaller one. Our brains are our largest sexual organ after all. It is important to keep in mind the brain plays a larger part in female sexual pleasure than does the clitoris, regardless of the size of the clitoris. At this time, I am not aware of any safe and proven ways of making the clitoris larger that does not expose a woman to undesired side affects.
Thank you for the honest information about labial sizes & the photos on your site. I went on the web looking for something like this. I have always been acutely self-conscious about my labia minora, as they are about 3 cm [1.25 in] long & as far as I had ever seen, no other woman I knew of looked like this. I thought I was ugly and was very embarrassed. In high school I hated showering where anyone could see me, and felt a lot of anxiety about this whole area of my body. Even as a married woman I have repeatedly asked my husband if I am ugly, if he thinks it is disgusting etc.
When I asked my doctor about it, she dismissed my interest and just said it looks normal. But as you say on the site, all the books with diagrams etc. look nothing like me, so I couldn't see how I could be normal.
My daughter is now six and I have noticed that her labia seem to be developing similar to my own. I thought "oh no!" Then I realized I should get some facts. I wanted information to share with her so she would understand her body and why it is built the way it is. I didn't want her to go through the same anxieties I did. I am thrilled to find your site. Thank you for putting this info out there.
Between puberty and menopause, healthy women menstruate on a cyclic basis. Although most people are aware only of the days of a woman's menstrual flow (usually calling it her period), these days are only the most obvious stage in the complete reproductive cycle. A cycle begins on the first day of a menstrual flow and ends when the next cycle's flow starts. This cycle of menstruation is ON AVERAGE 28 days. Many women vary between 20 and 40 days in duration. Very long or irregular periods of menstruation may be cause for concern and a gynecologist should be consulted.
Each reproductive cycle is a complex set of interactions among the brain, the pituitary gland, the ovaries, and the uterus. Messages are sent and received among these organs to change the levels of various hormones that cause an egg to mature and be released from an ovary and the uterus to build up and then shed its lining. The purpose of each cycle is to mature an egg in the ovaries (presenting an opportunity for conception and to prepare a woman's body for pregnancy if conception occurs.
The menstrual flow is the best place to begin keeping track of cycles because it is the only part of a cycle most women notice. Beginning with the first day (Day 1) of menstrual flow, the levels of most of the hormones involved are low.
The low level of estrogen causes the hypothalamus in the brain to send a message to the pituitary gland to secrete FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) into the bloodstream. The ovaries react to the increased FSH level by beginning the maturation process of an egg inside the follicles of the ovaries. As the follicle begins to grow, it produces the hormone estrogen. The presence of estrogen causes the cells in the endometrium (the lining of the uterus) to multiply and the lining gradually becomes thicker.
As the follicle develops, the estrogen level continues to rise for around 10 days, until it is high enough to stimulate the pituitary gland to release LH (leutenizing hormone). this sudden rise in LH (called the LH Surge) acts on the ovaries and triggers the release of the mature egg from inside a follicle. The rising estrogen levels also causes changes in the cervix and cervical mucus.
Called ovulation, this egg release occurs about halfway between the start of menstrual flow and the next, and means the egg is available for fertilization if sperm are present in the woman's reproductive tract. This is also the point at which FSH and LH levels are at their highest, but the estrogen level falls for two or three days after ovulation.
After an egg is released, the cells that had lined to ovarian follicle change shape and colour to become a corpus luteum (yellow body). The corpus luteum produces both estrogen and progesterone, another hormone. The level of pregesterone, therefore is higher after ovulation and the level of estrogen also rises again. The increase in progesterone causes a woman's body temperature to rise.
By this point in a cycle, the lining of the uterus is already five to ten times thicker than it was just after the woman's last flow stopped. But with the addition of progesterone from the corpus luteum, the lining changes to form distinct layers with tiny blood vessels, nutrients and other features which will be needed to support a pregnancy if the egg is fertilized.
The presence of progesterone also causes the level of LH and FSH to drop gradually. when the level of LH is low enough, the corpus luteum is no longer stimulated and gradually stops producing progesterone and estrogen. This drop in progesterone and estrogen causes the uterus to shed its lining as the menstrual flow - which is Day 1 of the next cycle. The low level os estrogen also signals the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland to start secreting more FSH again, thereby beginning the next reproductive cycle.
If conception does occur, the progesterone level remains high and the uterine lining remains to support the fertilized egg. Only one sperm is allowed to enter the ovum and thus fertilize it. The sperm and ovum become one cell. Successful fertilization occurs in the first one third of the Fallopian tube and then begins its journey toward the uterus (about 10 days). It then implants itself in the blood and nutrient-rich lining (endometrium) which nourishes the cells. Soon after, the cells develop into a embryo and a placenta.
CHPATER-4 :Difference between woman body's reproductive and sexual
What's the Difference between your sexual organs and your reproductive organs? Which give you sexual pleasure? Which get you pregnant? Before you learn HOW they work and what they do, you need to know WHAT they are.
EXTERNAL SEXUAL ORGANS
Comparing the first and second drawing of external organs, we see a difference. That difference is due to childbirth.
INTERNAL SEXUAL ORGANS: THE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS
The first step in understanding the difference in external and external organs is to know the names of the various parts of your body and what it does. Not the slang, but the real names. External sex organs called the external genitalia and the internal organs called reproductive organs.
GLOSSARY OF FEMALE BODY PARTS
|BRAIN||A woman's most important sexual organ. The brain has the greatest influence on a woman's sexual response. For the most part, that's not true for a man.|
|BREASTS||The primary function of the female breast is to nourish a baby. Located on the front of the chest, the breasts are milk-producing glands. Small muscle fibers cause the nipples to become erect when stimulated by cold temperature, breast feeding, and sexual arousal. More information about your breasts can be found at Breasts Do More than Fill A Sweater|
|CERVIX||The end of the uterus. It lifts during sexual arousal.|
|CHROMOSOME||The genetic code or the blueprint of the human is carried in these parts of a cell. There are 46 in humans. 45 determine what you look like and how you function. Two determine your sex. XX means you are female. XY means you are male.|
|CLITORIS||A small area of spongy tissue that is rich in nerve endings and becomes engorged with blood during arousal and orgasm. It is covered by tissue called the hood which retracts or pull back during sex. Size varies and is not an indication of sexual response. More information about the Clitoris and it's role in sexuality can be found at ?????????????????????????????Female Sexual Response|
|EGG||Carries one half (23) the chromosomes to make a baby. Always carries an X sex chromosome.|
|An area of the body, that when stimulated with hamds, mouth or other means , gives sexual pleasure.|
|ESTROGEN||Estrogen signals an egg to begin to ripen in the ovaries. Estrogen also has an effect on breast growth.|
|GENITALIA||The External sex organs.|
|G-SPOT||A dime to half dollar sized area which is extremely sensitive and when stimulated gives an increase in sexual arousal. It is located just beneath the front surface of the vagina, between the pubic bone and bladder. There is some controversy as to whether it really exists, but some women report a very heightened arousal if their partner inserts two fingers into the vagina and strokes or presses on it. For some women, there is immediate orgasm when the G-spot is touched. Try it yourself.|
|HYMEN||A thin membrane, tissue, covering the opening of the vagina with an opening that allows the release of menstrual fluids. The hymen is broken with intercourse and that can be painful for some women. It can also be broken with tampon use or some athletic activities. A broken hymen does not mean that a woman isn't a virgin.|
|LABIA MAJORA||The outer lips of the vulva with pads of fatty tissue and are extremely sensitive to touch. Usually covered with pubic hair, they contain sweat and oil glands. The fluids from the glands can be sexually arousing to your partner.|
|LABIA MINORA||The inner lips of the vulva, which protect the clitoris, urethra, and vagina. They are inside the labia majora but have less fatty tissue padding. They are more sensitive that the labia majora.|
|OVARIES||The ovaries produce both the eggs for fertilization and two hormones. Estrogen and progesterone are the female sex hormones. If an ovary is hit by the penis during sex, it can be very painful. This happens very infrequently.|
|PERINEUM||The area of skin between the vagina and the anus. It is rich with nerve endings and is very sensitive. Stroking it can give great pleasure.|
|The gland that produces the hormones FSH and LH. These hormones signal the ovaries when to produce estrogen or progesterone, the two female hormones. It also signals the ovaries when to start functioning at puberty (when you begin having periods).|
|PROGESTERONE||Progesterone signals the lining of the uterus, the endometrium, to change and become the nesting place for a fertilized egg.|
|THYROID GLAND||The master gland of the body. It must be working properly or your periods don't.|
|URETHRA||The opening that allows urine to flow from the body. It is not part of the sexual organs but it is located beneath the clitoris and in front of the vagina. Because of it's location, women can get bladder infections from intercourse if good hygiene isn't practiced.|
|UTERUS||The internal female reproductive organ which is the housing for a pregnancy. It goes through cyclic changes and shedding of its lining every month. That is menses or your period. The uterus goes through rhythmic contractions during orgasm.|
|VAGINA||Extends from the vaginal opening to the cervix. It contains glands that lubricate the vagina during arousal, intercourse, and orgasm. Also known as the birth canal.|
|VULVA||The collective name that all the external sexual organs are called.|
CHAPTER-V : Sexuality : Psychological and Sociological Perspectives in Sexual Interactions.
Part - I
There is a relationship which is intricate, intimate, personal and private between two human beings which relationship is, in depth, complicated and aspected by physiology, psychology and sociology. A man is brought up with input of knowledge of reason for and purpose of various aspects in his life except in one aspect in which without proper input he gets involved in this relationship.
In every aspect of life he gets answer easily from his parents, education and society about what, why and how except in one aspect in which he has to get answers for which there is no opportunity for him to verify the correctness of the answers. There are one thousand and more doubts and clarifications, which go unanswered. Even the answers he gets from even the authenticated books, generally, speak about the physiological aspects without proper definitions and explanations not to talk of psychological aspects and sociological influence.
Two people may join in this relationship for various reasons but however the relationship, at one stage, will face rough weather mainly on account of lack of proper knowledge about the relationship and the subject and lack of proper solutions available to them in the society; as such the relationship is either allowed to break in certain societies, or one partner is compelled to remain in the relationship in certain societies, or both of them may be compelled to pull on in certain societies without analysing the basic concept behind such problems due to the societies’ myths, beliefs and wrong notions about the subject, viz. Sex .
If I want to comment on certain language or subject, first I should have thorough knowledge about it to make comments, likewise any socio/cultural/sexual values should be based on thorough knowledge of the subject, but unfortunately the socio-cultural-sexual values of the day are followed only with myths and construed ideas. Hence this article tries to analyse the subject with definitions, explanations and reasons and tries to evoke a revolution in the socio-cultural-sexual values with proper and true knowledge of sex.
First of all, if we want to study, we should know what is study: a study means to find out, by analysis, the system by which and the principle on which it functions or happens, and parameters to standardise and to measure the functions with such standards; moreover to find out the methods to arrive at the exact and correct results, or outcomes out of such functions or happenings and to use corrective measures to bring any deviations or abnormalities to normalcy.
The people enter into marriage
may be on account of love, or lust, or social circumstances, or compulsions, but
without knowledge of what is marriage and its purpose. The duties and
responsibilities construed from social events around them form the purpose of
marriage. Hence when sex becomes renewal factor rather than the basic factor in
marriage, the married life starts running in rough weather. Here the marriage
can run ahead only on account of mutual understanding, or common interest, or
social compulsion, otherwise it breaks with or without divorce. Had the society
properly educated the people about the marriage and its purpose and corrective
measures to rectify the break with true knowledge, then many marriages could
have been saved from getting spoiled unnecessarily. Especially in the times of
changes in social life if the construed purpose and definition of marriage
differs between the two partners, then the whole married life will be rocking
with rough weather with severe sufferings especially if the marriage is to
continue on account of social compulsions. If any problem arises with regard to
sex in married life the society is not able to give the correct answer and to
solve the problem due to its own myths and notions. When the society allows the
people to enjoy sex, of course in its own restrictive ways, it does not allow
the same people to know the truth, facts and correct information. The anxious
boys have only to construe which may or may not be correct. With regard to other
basic needs like hunger, thirst, shelter, and clothing the education, parents
and society teach the means, ways and ethics to get/have and use the same but
whereas in the case of the another basic need, viz. Sex, only ethics, that too
what should not be done, is taught but not what, why, and how should be done.
But it was not so, in
Now let us turn our attention to marriage side. Almost every man and woman fall in line with marriage; but how many know what is marriage and how many people enter into the marriage with the knowledge of purpose of marriage. They enter into the fray either to satisfy their bio-level needs, for mutuality, or for safety and security, or for procreation, or on account of social/other circumstances, but without understanding about the marriage; and on account of this many problems arise in the married life. Of course there can be two types of problems in the marriage: (1) problems on account of sex, with or without knowledge of either of or both the partners; (2) problems outside the purview of sex. In the case of no.2, the partners can take up the matter outside the marriage and try to get solutions, but in the case of no.1 in any society, neither it can be taken out of the marriage nor solutions are available easily in the society. Hence this particular aspect of social conditions in which the sexual problems, even in marriage, can neither be discussed nor can be solved with available knowledge or counseling is worth studying.
Hence to study the conjugal happiness, pleasure and problems, first of all, let us try to understand the marriage. As per the definition of ‘study’, if we want to study the ‘marriage’, first let us try to define it. The marriage may be defined as follows: -
"Marriage is partnership institution, supported by socio-cultural forces, created to have perpetual sexual relationship, viewed in the perspective of difference in gender, and is constituted for the purpose of (secured) mutuality, with responsibility of bringing up the children, procreated usually out of the marriage, or by the partner, or partners, or compensated, as per socio-cultural values."
Now let us see certain explanations for the above-mentioned definition.
In marriage each partner has got certain rights, privileges, and responsibilities. The society will ‘support’ the partner to enjoy the rights and privileges; and will ‘enforce’ the responsibilities on the partners to do their duties, if so required. Hence only it is mentioned "supported by socio-cultural forces" in the definition.
If marriage is supported by society, it is in fact created by (usually) two opposite sex individuals to have sexual relationship on perpetual basis; hence only the marriage is said to have been "created to have perpetual sexual relationship" in marriage the sexual relationship, supported by society, should be between the opposite sex only; moreover there may be more than two partners in a marriage wherein the relationship between one sex and other sex partners individually, or collectively, can be termed as marriage is as ‘viewed in the perspective of difference of gender’.
In the definition of marriage ‘instituted’ means the basic concept of principle of marriage; moreover even though marriage is created by the partners for the perpetual relationship, it is instituted (by others / society) mainly for the purpose of mutuality and the said responsibility. However sometimes either partner in many societies, accept the marriage for the said institution by the society. Procreation being the consequence of marriage, sometimes the responsibility is accepted before marriage, or forced by society, as per socio/cultural values in the case of bringing up the children procreated by either of the partner with some other partner; hence only it is described as "or by the partner or partners" "as per socio-cultural values".
Either if the responsibility of bringing up children is considered as a prime factor of marriage by the society or if the partners are brought up with such socio-cultural values of giving such importance to the responsibility in marriage, then in either case the couple, who have no child of their own, may go for adoption; hence only it is said, "compensated, as per socio-cultural values". However going for adoption for the security either of their own or of their property is out of purview of marriage.
Sometimes either partner, especially in the case of women in many societies, may go in the marriage for the security (of mutuality) hence only "(secured) mutuality" with the word ‘secured’ within brackets.
If the whole thing can be put in a nutshell, then the marriage is (a) created for perpetual sexual relationship; (b) established for mutuality; and (c) instituted for bringing up the children. In other words, marriage is meant for (1) security and (2) responsibility; security here means guarantee of love and materialistic needs for present and in future, wherein love is caring and satisfying each other’s needs including sex and responsibility here means the responsibility of bringing up the children. Generally a married life runs smoothly in early stage of marriage on account of taking the prime factor of marriage as sex; but at certain stage of married life when sex as a base for married life transforms into a renewal factor for the perpetual relationship, the bondage, or common interest, or sociological compulsion may only be factors for keeping the married life alive. As such, very successful sexual relationship in the married life makes the said bondage very strong so that it helps the married life to go very smoothly and happily during the later stages of marriage.
Therefore, in the married life, when sexual relationship transforms from being basic factor to renewal factor, if the ‘important factors for conjugal happiness’ learnt during sexual life are implemented in the married life outside the sex also, it will make the bondage very strong enabling the couple to lead a very happy married life thro’out. We can come to conclusion from the above statement that the successful happy sexual life is very vital for a happy married life.
In fact if sex is an important component of ‘love’ the love is an important factor of marriage and in turn marriage is an important chapter in ‘life’. This can be well explained as:
( l i ( marr ( lo (sex) ve) iage) fe)
In everybody’s life, the very important factors to be taken care of are: character, security, and health, of which security can be sub-divided into two categories: one is security of materialistic necessities, needs and comforts and second is love, wherein here love means caring and satisfying the other, in other words, caring to keep other happy. Good character, conduct, and morality help every individual, society and humanity, in general, to have happiness and peace; as such building up good character is given the most importance and prominence in social-values thro’out the ages. It is obvious that everybody strives hard to have the security of materialistic needs for present and future for oneself and one’s family. But security of materialistic needs alone can not give the happiness and peace; basically one should maintain good health to enjoy the materialistic needs and comforts and moreover one requires somebody to take care of his health either in the ordinary course or at least at the time of necessity. Apart from the materialistic needs and health, the most important third requirement or expectation in one’s life is himself being taken care of and be kept happy by satisfying his both physiological and psychological needs; this particular type of care has got two sides, first being affection and the second being love. Here affection means caring and satisfying the necessary needs of the individual who is related to self and with whom self will not deal sexually. The above-mentioned points indicate clearly that good character and health and security of materialistic needs and proper care are ‘must’ in everybody’s life thro’out. Therefore a necessity had arisen to evolve a system whereby the above mentioned basic concepts of life should automatically be taken care of by the system in everybody’s life that too thro’out his life.
Now coming back to marriage, marriage is meant for security and responsibility; security here means the guarantee of love, or care, and materialistic needs for present and future, wherein the love is caring and satisfying each other’s need including sex, and responsibility here means the responsibility of parents of bringing up their children, of course with good character and morality. Hence by virtue of marriage two categories of people are created: (1) husband and wife; and (2) parents. In the early or first stage of one’s life one’s character, materialistic needs, love and health are taken care of by one’s parents, the characters created by the marriage; in the later, or second, stage of one’s life the afore-mentioned necessities will be taken care of on mutual basis in marriage; and in the last, or third, stage of life, these will be looked after on mutual basis by the marriage-partner and as well by their children, the creations on account of marriage.
Hence the basic factors for one’s life viz., Character, security and health are automatically taken care of in everybody’s life from childhood to old age, generation after generation, without any stoppage or hurdle, and this system, called marriage, is working as an ideal one without any substitute or alternative. Moreover as responsibility of bringing up children is fixed in marriage, automatic balancing the population in accordance with the economic conditions is taken care of in the society on account of the system, that is marriage. Therefore, the only ideal system which has been successful thro'out centuries, and in every generation, without availability of any other alternative or substitute, in which everybody gets involved is marriage.
Now that having analysed how marriage is very important in everybody’s life, now let us turn our attention to the important, or vital, or basic component, or factor, of marriage, called love. In marriage, love means caring and satisfying each other’s needs, including sex. In fact as a person is brought up with the social values of expressing the affection thro’ certain personal inter-actions like hugging, kissing, etc, the same inter-actions are used in expression of love in addition to enjoyment of sexual feelings.
There are may types of love namely, ‘teenage love’ being the sexual urge trying for perpetual relationship with a good understanding; ‘true love’ i.e., caring and satisfying the other’s needs without expectation; ‘absolute love’, i.e., caring, satisfying the other’s needs, and making and keeping the lover happy without expectation but with dedications; ‘ideal love’. I.e., caring, and making and keeping the lover happy, even with sacrifices; ‘devotional love’ being the absolute dedication of life for the lover. However, in general, love means caring and trying to satisfy the other’s needs. In fact epics, stories, poems, songs and etc had been, were and are written about love, especially about the love between two opposite human genders, the two not being connected, usually, by affection. Now the question arises why love was and is given that much importance and prominence. As the mutuality is the main purpose of marriage, and the love serves this purpose of mutuality due to its inherent nature, if the true love is established in every marriage, the whole society and every individual in the society can be assured of secured happiness thro’out.
When tow human beings, each being opposite to the other in gender and not connected by affection, join to lead a life then it is for the purpose of mutuality in all the aspects of life. As the partners are, generally, not known to each other form their earlier stages of lives, the purpose of mutuality will not be fulfilled unless and otherwise they learn and build up good understanding and implement the ‘important factors’ (to be discussed at a later stage in the article) leading to secured happy and successful sexual life in marriage trying for absolute satiation and satisfaction for each paves way for the successful mutuality thro’out their married life. Hence we eventually land at the inner core of marriage, called ‘sex’. Hence without successful sexual life between two partners there cannot be a last longing love in their married life. Now we come to the main-point in the way of the question, the answer being the theme of this article; then: 'what is successful sexual life?’
In a nutshell, if mutuality is the basic purpose of marriage, then the mutuality is the basic purpose of marriage, then the mutuality with sentimental and emotional attachment is called love; and the basic concept of mutuality in love can be understood and properly utilised through sex in marriage. Hence successful sexual life is the primary factor for a happy married life thro’out. Here successful sexual life means both attaining absolute satiation, utilising the learnt important factors for conjugal happiness, outside the sexual life, in the married life.
Hence we have come to the main point, i.e. the purpose of sex in marriage, that is learning important factors for conjugal happiness. These important factors, if extended outside the sex in married life, will pave way for happiness in married life throughout.
Now to understand the above-mentioned point, we have to study and analyze: (1) sex; (2) sex in marriage; (3) satisfaction and satiation; (4) important factors for conjugal happiness; (5) lastly how the above four will help the marriage to sail smoothly, happily and merrily.
Everybody knows the sex. For some people it is attractive, tempting, enjoyable, and playful; for some people it is their security and safety; for some people it is unwarranted in their path to reach their goal; for some people it is a matter of disliking, irritating and vomiting; for some people it is disgust, hatred, revengeful. But the question is what is sex? Now in all the above cases one common factor is emotional. Hence sex is not only biological but also psychological. Now we view, treat and deal sex depends upon how far the society has conditioned our minds; hence the sex is sociological also. Therefore unless we understand the three sides of sex i.e. biology, psychology and sociology, we will not be able to understand it thoroughly.
As it was pointed out earlier, everybody knows sex but how many people know what is sex, with proper and specific definition. As sex is a science, we should be able to define it. As sex is also an art in dealing with the acts for deriving the maximum pleasure and satiation. Lastly the very basic concept of sex takes you to the fundamental principle of philosophy.
Hence, in trying to arrive at a definition which should be able to explain about sex in all perspectives, I have given below my own definition:-
"Sex is the biological factor, viewed in the perspective of difference in gender, for psychological satisfaction, on account of sensual feelings, through physiological phenomena, aspected by socio-cultural values."
"the perception of sensory feelings in the perspective of difference in gender."
Now to study sex we will, for change, adopt a type of project-work, which is given below: -
Subject: -sex in modern human relationship.
Definition: - as explained above.
Aim: - re-production.
Purpose: - major: to satisfy certain biological needs and for
Ancillaries: for expression of love, sharing the feelings; for
one’s or mutual happiness, enjoyment.
Minor: intimacy and closeness.
Means: - body and feelings
Requirement: - male or /and female, and motivation.
(a)Psychological: tingling feeling which she won’t get in any other activity, love or good relationship, security, safety, satisfaction, enjoyment, happiness, leadership, domination, mutual give and take attitude, intimacy and social and personal values of manliness.
. (b) Biological: strong shoulders, broad chest with thick hair, good
personality, attractive manly face, good buttocks, hard erect-
rod-like penis, good texture of body showing roughness, cleanliness.
(a) Psychological: love, satisfaction, happiness, enjoyment and release
from tension, orgasmic which he won’t get in any other field,
co-operation, and closeness, and social and personal values of
(b) Biological: - beautiful curves of body, attractive breasts, well-
shaped buttocks, beautiful face, complexion soft but fine texture
of body, silky hair, proportionate personality, pleasurable cavity
of vagina, and cleanliness.
Environmental: privacy, clean and good atmosphere, cleanliness at
the place and in the surroundings, no disturbance to
distract attention or concentration.
Sociological: social acceptance or, if not, secrecy.
Using the senses (or thinking) to derive satisfaction.
Kissing, stroking, squeezing, licking, sucking, embracing, hugging and fucking (especially using hands mouth, penis, and breasts).
Seeing the (even the pictures or material/cloth used in) erotic zones or beauty of a female or handsome male, or manliness, or reading or seeing the materials/visualisations describing the above or sexual activity.
Listening to music, talks/stories, sound which will instigate sexual feelings.
Certain smell/flavour or taste will create or enhance the sexual mood.
Touching any intimate/private part of other sex or feeling the softness/hardness of other sex’s any part of body.
Thinking of above-mentioned uses of senses and sexual activities.
(1) Role: it plays a vital role in one’s life. It is the cause for one’s and as well as social existence. Because of the factor, viz. Sex, certain feelings or impressions lodged in the sub-conscious mind, may change alter, modify, or pave way for one’s way of life for certain aspects of life. This is the only source by which the natural re-production takes place. It is the foundation in the married life and basically it serves as a bondage holding a man and woman together in a life, called marriage. It paves may for a relationship between male and female trying for perpetuality in the relationship.
(2) Specialties: tingling, orgasmic feeling which one will not get in any other normal activity. Forgetting the whole world in oneness and two people trying for oneness.
It gives pleasure out of enjoyment thro’ senses; (immense) happiness out of psychological satisfaction, and many a times both at the same time.
It relieves tension.
One can derive happiness out of enjoyment through sex.
If used for an expression of love, sex makes the bondage between the man and woman stronger by assuring sexual pleasure and the perpetuity in relationship during the succeeding period of longer time and also long-lasting happiness; if used for closeness and intimacy also, if assures safety and security in one’s life.
It gives consolation by sharing one’s feelings with the other in the times of such needs.
Sex, on account of the factors like: oneness, forgetting this world in ecstasy and selflessness indicates the highest principle of philosophy.
Sex creates better understanding paving way for free and unique communication which will help to run the family smoothly and to enjoy sex in a still more pleasurable way.
Disadvantages and drawbacks: -
If it is used as vulgar, then it may create problems for oneself (mentally, or / and, physically), the society and one’s family if it is not used properly for complete satisfaction, it may create problems in the married life/ perpetual relationship. If it is not properly controlled, it may create sociological problems. Lack of control of sexual urge for unusual ways may hurt feeling (s) of other (s) and also affect them physically and mentally.
When we mention the word ‘vulgar’ in the above, one wonders that exactly the vulgarity means. What is vulgarity at one place is not vulgarity at another place. What is considered to vulgar in one society or culture is not considered to be so in some other society or culture; moreover certain aspects considered to be vulgar and to be condemned in a society may be interesting, liking and motivating with regard to certain individual sexual values in the same society.
Hence, generally vulgarity is the sexual motivation outside the sexual values of the society; but, in fact we can define it as: "vulgarity is the motivation instigating to enjoy sex outside the sexual values of the society.
One author argues," the sperm and ovum could have been to unite without attainment of ‘climax’ and hence the very act of the pleasure and orgasm clearly indicate that the enjoyment of sexual pleasure is indeed one of the two purposes of the sexual act." Of course it is true that god has created sex not only for procreation but also for physio-psychological pleasure. But society, as such, created, in turn, certain restrictions and moral rules called socio-cultural-sexual values on account of its own drawbacks viz., (1) lack of control over procreation, otherwise, and (2) economy. The point is that once we understand the basic reasons for these values we can change the concepts, ideas and the values themselves in tune with the up-to-date knowledge of science taking into consideration of the attributes for the sexual values.
All societies have rules to regulate sexual conduct. The most effective rules are those to which people attach important personal meaning. Such intimalized rules are called "values". Values, broadly, may be divided into: social values, moral values, health values and educational values. The value worth considering for our present subject is social values and another being cultural values. Procedural aspects of social interactions are called ‘social values’; individual’s outlook in life moulded by the ideologies of people of a place, or of such period/time, or of one group.
When we come to sexual values it can be viewed from two sides. One being socio-sexual values and another being sexual values. The pattern of interactions with regard to sex designed by society are called socio-sexual values; and such pattern of interactions, and acts, with regard to sex, designed, or construed to have been designed, by socio-cultural values but blended by one’s knowledge and freedom for which one attaches meaning and importance are called ‘sexual values’.
Sexual values maybe based on: (1) absolute principles wherein principles are clear cut guide for ‘correct’ action; (2) consequential relative principle whereby this value requires its adherent to evaluate the probable consequences to their actions as they relate to others and themselves; (3) slavish principles on account of the society’s lack of control or helplessness over certain aspects of life of the members. Secondly sexual values depend upon the following factors: - (i) purpose, generally for pleasure, or means for security; (ii) circumstances; (iii) control over procreation; (iv) knowledge and beliefs of the community; (v) ability to maintain emotional morality; (vi) climatic and other natural environmental influence. Of which the circumstances depend upon: (a) economy and population of the society; (b) procreational potentiality, in general of the members; (c) outside forces pressurising the society (i.e. the influence, or force, upon the society and values are based upon the consequences and helplessness); (d) ratio between the sexes in the community. Thirdly sexual values may be (1) conventional, or traditional and religious; (2) of uniform, or double standard. Conventional here means the cumulative ideas of many or almost all of the members of society since a lengthy time or even since generations.
In fact, values are impressed conceptual principles being deciding factors for one’s actions, and reactions, during, and for, interactions; and also for within reactions for natural reactions. Social values are the impressed concepts being deciding factors for one’s behavioural patterns during interactions; cultural values are the impressed concepts being deciding factor s for one’s outlook; sexual values are the impressed concepts being the deciding factors for one’s actions and interactions with regard to the difference in gender.
The study of sex will not be complete unless we study the main three attributes viz.: - (1) physiology; (2) sociology; and (3) psychology. The main role is played, in the sociology, by the sexual values, and these values play more predominant role in one’s attitude and approach in sex than by his personal likings and, in turn, influence and affect the psychological side of the sexual phenomena and the after effects. For a concrete example in this respect we can take the case of rape. As far the physiological side is concerned, if the happening occurs out of the female’s peak period nothing will happen as far the physiological consequence is concerned; but however, generally, the psychological trauma the female undergoes is mainly on account of the socio-sexual values. Second example, to understand the depth of influence of socio-sexual values, can be taken up of ‘modesty’.
Modesty of a girl especially
Values may be the conceptual factors for reactions for interactions and also for reactions for natural reactions; there may be certain reasons for every reaction and these reasons are on account of certain impressed concepts in the mind and such impressed concepts are called factors. Otherwise we may define values as impressed conceptual principles being deciding factors for one’s actions, and reactions, during, and for, interactions; and also for within reactions for natural reactions. Social values are the impressed concepts being deciding factors for one’s behavioural patterns during interactions; cultural values are the impressed concepts being deciding factors for one'’ outlook; eventually sexual values are the impressed concepts being the deciding factors for one’s actions and interactions with regard to the difference in gender.
Socio-sexual values of the society in which a person has been brought up may serve as parameters to measure and know the basis of position, in general, of his persona-sexual values. However, if he had lived in different societies, the sexual values of the society to which basically he belongs to and the values of the society in which he is living play major role blended with the values of the societies in which he lived and to which values he attaches much importance.
One of my friends is used to put the total of four digit-numbers of one page at a very great speed taking two to three digit numbers at a time for totaling. In fact when we are wonder-struck and asked him how is he able to do such a unique calculation, he said that the additions come automatically in his mind once he sees the numbers. But when I went probing deep into his childhood, I came to understand that his mother was used to recite the addition-tables rather than a lullaby to make the baby to sleep. As such the baby was forced to grasp the tables without knowing the meaning and purpose, but however at a later stage when he started to go to school and when he was taught the numbers, additions and tables, he could realise the meaning and purpose of his graspings during his childhood which made him not only to understand the subject easily and quickly, the graspings were converted into meaningful strong impressions in his sub-conscious react very quickly, even without his knowledge, whenever the same phenomena occur with numbers. These graspings may be called ‘convertible factors’.
Convertible factor is such value imposed in the mind without explaining meaning, reason or purpose with which when one comes across or understands or realises at a later stage, makes a strong impression in the sub-conscious. For example, when a girl, during her childhood, is taught not to expose her private parts whereas her brother, boy-friends are allowed, she does not understand the meaning or purpose but she takes it as a matter of discipline, when she grows and realises the meaning and purpose or reason for this restriction. That is why a woman who is attached to these convertible-factoring values, irrespective of her stage or state of mind (e.g. sleep, emotion, etc), she will be aware of any change, or shift, in her dress or position even slightly exposing her part, not to be exposed. Sometimes even if somebody is staring at her in any angle even from a far off distance, she finds some uneasiness. Chastity, in certain culture, is an unique socio-cultural value, which is given more importance by some women than their own lives. As the cultural value changes, the importance also changes.
In fact most of disciplinary principles taught during childhood are of convertible factors, and these become part of most of the cultural values. The convertible factors are very useful to make the cultural values and educational values more affective.
In brief, with regard to sex, children learn manners, rules that only later be truly sexual when they are taught " to shut bath-room doors", girl "shouldn’t walk in panties", only after adolescence will these experiences fit into frankly sexual context. That means non-sexual factors are given sexual meanings after adolescent and as such childhood sexuality is not sexual in the same sense as of post-pubertal sexuality. Similarly the relationship between a child and the opposite sex parent is converted sexual sub-consciously and this inter-relationship influences the sex-life of the individual.
Generally social values are created to monitor the basic factors upon which the society depends upon for its existence, control certain happenings and restrict certain outcomes; in turn socio-sexual values, in general, monitor the factors like its population, sex-ratio, economic influence cover population, security for children, etc; control the sexual phenomena outside its accepted norms and restrict the outcome of such phenomena i.e. generally, the pregnancy and childbirth outside the accepted norms and procedures. Even though the aim and purpose of the sexual values are almost same in all the societies, the methodology differs from one society to another depending upon mainly economy, knowledge, freedom and trust of and among the members of the society. One of the accepted norms found in all the societies is the marriage; therefore, no sexual value except that one based on health grounds should have any effect on either partner in the marriage and instead of sexual values the ‘important factors’ should only be substituted in the marriage.
First of all to understand the subject, sex, one has to realise the fundamental, primary and basic philosophy of the subject, that is: -"sex is not what it is, but it depends upon how you take it." For example we will take 3 cases wherein in the first, a male doctor touches, in the second case, a lover, or husband, touches, and in the third case a rapist touches. Now you imagine these three happenings with a woman that too all the three dealings with her private parts in similar environmental conditions. Even though, at one stage the phenomenon being same, the feelings of the woman are different. In the first instance, the feeling is of medical, in the second sexual, and in the third assault. Therefore we can conclude that only the brain’s perception of any feeling as sex is really sexual, that is why the greatest concept of sex as given above explains the greatest principle of Indian philosophy i.e. ‘maya’.
Therefore, if we study the sex in depth, we come to the inner core of it viz., the feeling, without which nothing can be sexual. It is paramount to understand and study the chapter about the feeling. Basically sex is on account of, in one’s point of view: -
Sensually feeling the quality of difference in gender, or
Sensually feeling the quality of difference in gender from the parts differentiating the gender; or
Sensational feelings from the sensory parts differentiating the gender; or
Interpretation of the sensational feelings as the sensual feelings; or
Emotionally feeling the warmth of the opposite gender.
At the outset let us try to define the feeling as: "feeling is the brain’s perception of the quality of nerves’ impulses from senses". Again in this definition, first of all ‘perception’ depends upon: (a) psychological impressions, which are formed because of (i) impact of self-experiences, (ii) concluded and construed knowledge of others’ experiences and (iii) socio-cultural values, and knowledge, by other means, for which the self gives much meaning and importance, and above psychological impressions may be of conscious or sub-conscious; (b) present state of mind, that means: (i) body, or health, condition, (ii) emotions, and (iii) outside factors affecting senses; (c) bio-level; secondly quality here depends upon the intensity proportional to duration and alertness.
While going through the 5types feelings explained above let us try to know certain meanings and explanations. Here quality means the factors created, in one’s point of view, by: (i) understood meaning of definitions and roll of genders; (ii) one’s sexual values; (iii) nature and qualities of certain parts of other partner’s body. Here in the first and second types ‘difference’ means different from self. Similarly ‘sensational’ means unusual on account of which enjoyable. So also ‘emotional’ means with urge, or liking, to enjoy with, or to have, positive emotions (like joy, happiness, etc); wherein emotions is the resultant reaction for the net effect, on self, on account of social interactions in which self, or concerned with self, being involved. Here in the definition of emotion social means with other beings and in certain cases, things also; net effect means gain, or loss; intensity means reaction being directly proportional to the attachment of the self to the net-effect.
Both first and second types are heterosexual; the fourth is nothing but interpreting no.3 as no 2 and amounts to masturbation with fantasy; and no3 is of homosexual.
Feeling is the vital factor in the enjoyment of sex; without feeling there can not be any sort of sexual. The nerves’ impulses created by the interaction of one’s senses are perceived by the brain and especially if the perception is in the context of the difference in gender then the feeling is sexual. However, the sexual feeling may be of sensual or sensational nature; wherein sensual is on account of emotional or sentimental whereas sensational is on account of lust only; and sensual, by nature, indicates dependency and sensational indicates indifferent to attachment and tends to be independent. One peculiar nature of this particular perception is that it alerts all the senses to be ready to interact and send the signal immediately. That is why once the perception identifies the feeling as sexual then generally we find a sort of awareness over the whole body and this is the main reason why foreplay is advised in every book on sex to create awareness, alertness and craving.
The perception, in fact, is psychological. Therefore it mainly depends upon the psychological impressions. These impressions may be of conscious or sub-conscious; but these impressions only play major role in perceiving the sexual feelings; in fact these impressions only identify the feelings as sexual or non-sexual. Same feeling may be perceived as sexual by one person whereas the same may be perceived as non-sexual by an another. Therefore these impressions play basic role in identifying and differentiating the sexual feelings and hence unless these impressions give green signal, there may not be any further action or reaction or emotion. These impressions are created on account of the values of one’s society and culture with which one is brought up and the sexual values for which one give importance and attachment at a later stage; concluded and construed ideas about the sex and the values for the sexual interactions on account of one’s own and others’ experiences; and lastly on account of the knowledge he gains about sex by other means and to the extent he believes the inputs. Such of such of these impressions are of permanent nature and these will last for a lengthy period of one’s life. The factors which throw their heavy weight in determining the perception are the present state of mind, otherwise called ‘mood’, and one’s bio-level at that time; these two are of temporary nature differing from one occasion to another and within the period of same occasion. In turn the ‘mood’ depends upon one’s health and emotional condition; and outside factors affecting the senses and concentration. One’s desire for sex depends, generally, on certain bio-chemical enzymes produced in one’s body. This is absolutely true with regard to women. Their sexual desire depends upon the period in their menstrual cycle. It differs from person to person. This is called bio-level. Hence one’s bio-level, health and emotional conditions and outside factors affecting the senses and concentration are the temporary factors on which also the perception depends..
Next, quality of nerves’ impulses is the media on which the perception is carried on; alertness and duration intensifies the quality and especially, in sex, the intensity increases on identification of the target being of different from one’s gender. In the enjoyment of sex this quality alone plays the vital role and the intensity increases to such maximum level of bringing all the senses to concentrate and then get involved in the sensation and at this point only the person feels as if he is living in that sensation only; that is called ‘orgasm’. We will look into this afterwards.
Now coming back to the ‘feeling’, we have seen the five types of feelings already. Here ‘sensual’ means the inner urge, or liking, to enjoy sex with the partner; and ‘sensational’ means unusual on account of which enjoyable. For example, love is sensual but whereas lust is sensational. Sensual tends to achieve perpetuality but sensational need not be. Sensual tries to be on emotions but sensation is based only on intensity of feelings and involvement of senses. Sensual tries to get attached to sentiments but sensational tries to be independent.
We would have seen the Indian films when both man and woman realises that they both love each other, the first reaction will be the man holding the hand of the woman. All the audience can understand the feelings of the lovers at that moment. That is the sensually feeling the quality of difference in gender; modesty in the Indian culture is an another example of this feeling. However the meaning of quality here differs from the meaning of quality mentioned in the context of feeling.
Quality of difference in gender is realised on account of certain factors. Quality of a gender means different things for different people and in the different societies and cultures depending upon the definition and roll of the gender as understood and formed impressions and opinions in one’s point of view aspected by socio-cultural values. Moreover, it depends upon one’s taste and desire for certain parts, and qualities of certain parts of the gender’s body. Therefore the perception of the intensity of the nerves’ impulses from senses with the intention of enjoyment with regard to the already impressed notions of the difference in gender may be viewed as sensual feeling; and if the impulses are, especially from the private parts, or in other words the parts not exposed to the opposite gender, then the feelings are different. In this context it may be interesting to note that in sex one is interested in: "what one does not have but the opposite has and what the opposite does not want to expose."
Any feeling is sensational, in the context of sex, only when it is perceived with reference to the difference in gender; it is purely for enjoyment; and it is perceived to be unusual in any field other than sex. The one advantage with this type of feeling is: it makes the person to concentrate and his senses involved. That means it makes all the senses to get involved with the person’s absolute concentration on the feelings that is why in sensational feelings the subject usually feels as if floating, living with the sensation, feeling the throbbing sensation, feeling the oneness, forgetting the world, etc.
Now back to sensual, it has got two partners. If a person feels the quality (may be of values, body, or notional qualities of gender) of difference in gender with the motto of enjoyment, it just sensual feeling. In the sexual affairs between a couple, the feelings emancipating from the private parts are the climax of the love between them. Even during the sensual feeling if it becomes sensational feeling, the enjoyment will increase. The sensational feeling will be usually of electrical, sharp, intense, tingling with acute sensation and sensual will be of slow, lingering, smoother, gratifying and deeper. However just warmth feeling of opposite gender, sometimes, is different from sensually feeling the difference in gender; because here that sensual orient factor may not be there outwardly or consciously. For example, the relationship between father and daughter and so also between mother and son, will not be of sexual but, many a times, the emotional warmth feeling creates and gratifies sub-consciously the sensuality. This feeling and impressions thereupon in the sub-conscious of the young minds create certain values, and, at a later stage, react with one’s emotions and attitudes towards sex.
Therefore whether it is sensational, or sensual, or warmth, or interpreted, the feeling is the most important factor for any sexuality. If you go through the books on sex the whole book will concentrate in telling the ways and means of increasing the feelings and how to enjoy the feelings.
The specialty of the feelings in sex is its tendency at one stage, to make the mind, or brain, to get involved in the feelings instead of the brain enjoying the feelings. Generally complete, or whole, satisfaction is available in sex only the emotional sex affair between two opposite genders through sensual and sensational feelings with a tendency to make or attain the stage of the mind, or brain getting involved in the feelings. The motivation, or foreplay, makes all the sensory parts all over the body become active. The tingling effect from certain parts (generally the parts differentiating the gender) make the sensory impulses from all the parts of the body very acute; and more intensity of the tingling effect create more acute sensory impulses from all parts of the body. Such acute intensity will make the brain to switch over to involvement or becoming one with the feelings.
One of the important feelings worth noting is ‘sensual’ feeling with emotions on account of sentiments. This is otherwise called sexual affair in love. This is the perpetual sexual relationship or a sexual relationship trying for perpctuality with loving each other. Even hugging of such lovers itself creates the sensual feeling mentioned above. In fact, this is the ideal relationship expected to prevail in the marriage. The basic purpose of marriage is mutual care and, in turn, the mutual care creates the sentiments between the partners; therefore emotion prevails during the sentimental interactions between the two. Especially such emotionally feeling the difference in gender with an urge to enjoy make both the happiness and pleasure to conjoin together producing a total satisfaction for the both.
Sexual enjoyment mainly depends upon sensual feelings and the vital factors for these feelings are: - liking, quality and concentration. When we are concerned with the conjugal pleasure there are two parts in sexuality. They are: - (1) happenings; and (2) consequence. There are five stages of sexuality. They are :-
2. Enjoyment, or sensuality
3. Tension, or climax.
4. Orgasm, or bursting.
And there are two consequences viz.:
If we study a little bit more about the points mentioned above, we may get clear picture about the conjugal pleasure.
Moreover, the above-mentioned stage of happenings and consequences depend upon certain factors and these factors sometimes affect the above-mentioned stages. In any sexual interaction for pleasure, or enjoyment, one has to go through these stages and certain factors are essential for these stages, certain factors enhance, or improve or affect the quality, lack of, or qualitatively low in, certain factors may create hurdles in attaining the stage or create problems in one’s life, marriage, or relationship with or without knowledge of the persona. Therefore it is very vital for every couple to under stand these factors and if any problem arises in their sexual life, or relationship, they will be able to sort it out with factors and try to solve the problem. Sometimes the relationship in marriage gets into rough weather on account of lack of satisfactory sexual relationship in marriage. Therefore any problem in marriage should be sorted into two groups: - (1) problems of account of sex; (2) problems outside the purview of sex. As sometimes the problems occur on account of sex but without knowledge of either of, or both the, partners, the partners should sort out any problem in marriage to see whether it pertains to section outside the purview of sex. . Once it is confirmed negative, they should try to analyse the problem with the help of factors and try to solve it themselves because problems with regard to sex in any society, generally, can not be taken, discussed and solved outside the marriage.
In fact, the seeds of dissatisfaction, dislike and want in sexual matters take deep root in one’s sub-conscious mind and the insidious poison of discontent will grow secretly becoming more powerful, will burst above the surface of normal behaviour. Hence, in brief, the insatiation in the long run tries to break the bondage of relationship, widens the gap in communication, encourages laxity in the attitude towards life; consequently the inner-mind will try to concentrate or show interest in the other disciplines not connected with the married life (except in the case of rearing the children) where the person gets solace, self-reliance and satisfaction. However, all these can be compensatory, duplicate pleasure/satisfaction but can never give the original happiness of the cordial married life except in the case wherein the person has dedicated to the discipline with full of concentration which new satisfaction he or she derives from is greater than the married happiness.
Part – 2
Arousal is to make one interested and getting concentration. Most important factors for this stage are: (1) motivational factors, (2) emotional concentration; (3) environmental and liking factors; (4) relationship; and (5) health. Motivation makes the mind to be attentive on sex. In fact motivation is a creative attribute and as such it is an art. It creates interest and urge to enjoy sex. ‘art of motivation’ means the ways and means by which interest and sexual urge are created in the partner/person to have/enjoy sex with whole- hearted involvement leaving inhibitions with concentration and participation. Seeing, smelling, tasting, listening and feeling through the senses are the means through which motivation is created but however factors responsible for such motivation varies from person to person. Seeing certain things, pictures, parts of body, reading certain type of anecdotes or episodes or descriptions or happenings may be motivational factors; smelling certain aroma or particular smell; listening to certain type of music, voice, tunes, talks, praise, etc; any feeling of pressure, warmth through the other senses spread all over the body will create the interest and urge. When there is a favourable bio-level, motivation first draws the mind away from the other aspects and makes it attentive to the interaction and then creates urge in the person. Arousal creates urges but whereas the enjoyment creates the craving for sex. In motivation, the five senses mentioned above may create interest but whereas the thinking of difference in gender only can create the urge.
Emotional concentration is a second important factor for arousal; any negative emotion like anger, worry, anxiety, will spoil the concentration whatever may be the motivation very much liking to the subject (i.e. person/partner). However, positive emotion will rather enhance the intensity of concentration. Any concentration in sex with positive emotion will intensify the interest, urge, crave and the intensity of the nerves’ impulses. That is any net effect being beneficial to self on account of the sexual interaction with the other partner, the resultant reaction, i.e. emotion, being concerned with nerves, will sharp on the intensity of the nerves’ impulses.
Concentration is a must in the sexual affair, hence the environment should be favourable for such concentration but at least should be in such a way not to distract the attention or be a hurdle for any sexual feelings. Every individual will have certain liking factors other than the purview of environment, interaction and relationship which will and to the self-motivation.
In the heterosexual affair, very important factor is the relationship between the to partners. An ideal one in this category is love, but minimum level of necessity for this factor is liking to enjoy sex with the other partner; however any or combination of certain factors namely social values, social security, birth-control, economy and health determine the level of enjoyment, or limit to enjoy, irrespective of relationship.
It is needless to explain here about the health being another factor vital for arousal. Health here does not mean only the general health but also the physiological potentiality for arousal. Generally arousal is easier and quicker in the case of youngsters than the middle-age persons. So also the bio-level periods also play vital role in quick or slow arousal. In women, bio-level is generally concerned with menstrual cycle and in men it is concerned with ejaculatory cycle.
After arousal comes the second stage viz., enjoyment, or sexuality, in any sexual affair. Anybody involves in sex mainly for enjoyment, etcasy and procreation; however some people may go in for sex for benefit (generally for security or monetary) wherein there will be lack of feelings, or for outcome of certain psychological impressions. Hence, enjoyment is very important stage in sex, irrespective of being heterosexual, homosexual or masturbation. Sensuality is on account of sensual feelings and it is directly proportional to the quality; once again we have repeat here that the vital factors for these feelings are liking, quality and concentration. Moreover enjoyment here means increasing and maintaining the motivated feelings. In fact art of enjoyment is the ways and means by which each partner’s sensual feeling are created, increased and maintained with innovations, on equal and mutual basis, within the scope of health, but independent of problematic socio-cultural-sexual values.
Therefore enjoyment is nothing but screening all the nerves’ impulses from all the sensory parts of thro’out the body and perceiving the only such intensifying impulses in the sense of difference in gender and moreover building up concentration on such perceptions for pleasure.
As such, main factors for such a stage viz. Enjoyment are 1) art of handling; (2) relationship; (3) understanding; (4) free communications; (5) health; (6) sexual equality and mutual pleasuring; (7) innovations.
Art of handling has two sub-factors viz. (1) knowledge and (2) application. Proper knowledge of sex and application of the same as an art will serve the purpose of sex for pleasure and satisfaction. In fact knowledge, once again, can be divided into two: theoretical knowledge and practical knowledge. Theoretical knowledge consists of biological idea and physiological knowledge of sex; physiological acts and reactions during sex; motivational factors; psychological expectations; needs and satisfaction in sex; effects and consequence due to physiological and psychological interactions during sex; understanding physiological and psychological drawbacks and knowing solutions to solve the problems; knowledge of important factors for conjugal happiness; understanding the socio-cultural-sexual values and overcoming the same with the true knowledge of sex but within the unit of married sexual life.
Biological ideas and physiological knowledge, physiological acts and reactions can be known from the textbooks on sex. Motivational factors and psychological needs and expectations were already discussed. However sexual satisfaction, effects, consequences, understanding physiological and psychological drawbacks and solutions will be discussed under effect and impressions. Important factors for conjugal happiness will be dealt late in detail.
Next coming to practical knowledge, this is the factor having more direct effect in sex. If the theoretical knowledge can be termed as knowing then the practical knowledge is grasping, understanding, studying and realising. So the practical knowledge is understanding the particular emotional need, or crave, for sex with self; knowing the particular’s liking for such surroundings, environment and type of privacy in which the partner’s emotional feelings will be increasing without hurdle during enjoyment period; studying the partner’s hot-spots in the body, and means and ways of handling the same by which it will shoot-up the sensual feelings for enjoyment, participation, involvement and climax; understanding non-verbal expression of the partner’s mood, liking, feelings and (more important being) sexual stage throughout during every act; understanding cyclic/moody period of the partner for sex. Moreover in each instance in the beginning itself, grasping; (a) circumstances and mood of the other partner; (b) the other partner’s expectation of the partner’s (i.e. self) degree of involvement and handling of sex with the other, here handling means degree of pressure and involvement means to which extent, or level, or stage, the sexuality can proceed; (c) purpose for which the other partner needs sex at the particular instance.
Coming back to theoretical side, it is note-worthy to mention that the book ‘every woman’ by Derek Llewellyn-Jones deals well with the biological and physiological side of sex and the book, ‘human sexual response by masters and Johnson deals very well about the physiological reactions during the different levels and stages during sex. Now coming to details of certain aspects of practical knowledge mentioned above, we will try to see a little it more details. As discussed above motivation created interest and such motivational factors for this purpose differ from person to person; as such it becomes pertinent to know the particular motivational factors which are potential in creating the interest in the partner with whom the person wants to have sex. We have already studied that outside factors like surroundings, environment and factors affecting the involvement of the partner are to be known to the other partner.
We know that certain parts of body are potential of creating sensational feelings, provided they are dealt properly, on account of two reasons viz. (1)
Number of nerves’ ends prevailing at the spot and nearer to the skin and (2) sexual values with regard to the spot or part of the body whether such values may be of restrictive or not. Such particular spots of the partner potential of creating the tingling sensual feelings should be known to the other partner. During the sexual enjoying period, certain particular movements, facial expressions, sounds, change or colour or change in the particular part(s) of body constitute non-verbal communications expressing clearly the liking, feelings and stage of enjoyment of the partner and if the other partner is capable of understanding these signs and adopting the corresponding handling the situation, such handling will enhance the enjoyment of the partner and lead to urge for the next stage. Everybody has got certain peak period during bio-cyclic period. Certain people enjoy more certain stages of sex during certain periods of this cycle; and even the type of feelings differs from one period to another within the cycle, i.e. emotional, or sentimental, or sensational.
The second sub-factor of the art of handling is application. With general knowledge of theory and thorough practical knowledge, the application is making use of: - (1) art of motivation; (2) art of enjoyment; (3) art of satiation; for mutual satisfaction and satiation without selfishness, but on mutual basis, with due regard for equality. We have already dealt with art of motivation and art of enjoyment, but whereas " any means and ways by which one partner does participate and reciprocate in creating more and maximum pleasure, and orgasm to the other partner to the extent of complete satiation of the partner within limits of health coping with the ‘important factors for conjugal happiness’ with innovations" is the art of satiation. Quality and concentration are the main attributes of sensual feeling, on which the enjoyment depends upon. Whereas creating the alertness in all the senses and awareness in the perception in the different gender point of view is the basic requirement for motivation, proper dealing with the stress, pressure, friction and duration at appropriate places, or spots, in different levels intensifies the quality of the nerves’ impulses and concentration makes the brain to perceive the only such feelings during the enjoyment; wherein above one is supposed to know the typical stress, pressure, friction, duration, places and levels as they belong to the knowledge and the ‘proper dealing’ is the application. One comes to know the theoretical knowledge from various sources, gets practical knowledge by experience and realises the application by deriving out of the experience.
Enjoyment being the main chapter in any sexual act, application is the vital attribute for the sexual enjoyment, whereas all other factors are only the supporting, or ancillary, factors. One may, or may not, enter into next stage(s) but whereas the enjoyment will always prevail in every sexuality and especially in the heterosexuality application plays major role. A satisfying enjoyment during every sexual act makes the bondage stronger and avoids the creation of any problem consciously or sub-consciously. This is true very much in such societies wherein the marriage is strongly supported by socio-cultural values, because in such marriages either or both partners usually make use of sex for their emotional security; as such on many occasions the sexual acts do not cross the enjoyment stage. Therefore, here, the application plays such a vital role to have the pleasing enjoyment stage in every sexual act so as to keep the bondage stronger.
The only factor which comes into picture of all the first three stages of the sexual affair is relationship. . This is an outside factor influencing sex basically depending upon liking understanding, mutuality and trust between the two. There are three attributes of the understanding viz.:- interest to know, initiative to solve and free and frank communication. As marriage is the blending of two characters, understanding is a must to attain the ultimate goal of their lives i.e. ‘happiness’. Therefore to have a better understanding, one should have interest to know about the other in all respects, if any difficulty, problem, etc arises for the one, the other should have the initiative to solve it and finally there should be free and frank communication on mutual basis rather than on argumental basis. Even though patience happens to be very vital force for the understanding, the interest (i.e. intention) to know itself will pave way for such patience and other qualities; similarly confidence being another important quality that will be taken care of by the initiative to solve.
Communication is very important attribute not only in any couple’s sexual life but also in their married life. Free and frank communication and sorting out on mutuality pave way for better understanding which in turn leads to intimacy generally marked by a mutual sense of acceptance, commitment, tenderness and trust which, in one way, happen to be pre-conditions for love. Communicating in an intimate relationship differs in certain ways from communicating with other people in one’s life; especially non-verbal messages apply in a special way to sexual interactions. According to masters and Johnson, communication usually begins with the intent to convey information to someoneelse. The sender must convert the intent into an actual message that is presented to the intended recipient. The message may be verbal (words, sounds) or non-verbal. The recipient must not only receive the message but also understand and interpret its meaning. At each one of these seemingly simple steps, things can and do go wrong. While trust and vulnerability are not methods of communications, they are necessary preconditions for intimate communications to occur. In most cases anger develops from preceding feelings of hurt, resentment or frustration. If these can be identified and discussed while they are in their early stages, before they grow into anger, there is a much better chance of dealing with them successfully and avoiding the harm that the anger can produce. Carol Tavris observes: in final analysis, managing anger depends on taking responsibility for one’s emotions and one’s actions; on refusing the temptation, for instance, to remain stuck in blame or fury or silent resentment.
In fact communication may be viewed from three angles: expressing, listening and discussing. Clarity is important for expression, patience is important for listening and mutuality is important for discussion; and communication between the couple, especially in sex should be used freely and frankly for sharing (of thoughts, feelings and experiences) learning or understanding (about each other), expressing (one’s love, expectation, wants etc), complimentary regards, acceptance and discussions, with honesty, trust, self-disclosure, truth, commitment (for togetherness and intimacy with tenderness) and patience without selfishness and self-centeredness. Frankness in the communication helps for understanding, sorting and solving, and freeness in the communication helps to develop and improve the intimacy; especially understanding and reacting positively to the non-verbal communication help to build up close tenderness in the intimacy.
Free and frank communication between the couple especially for complimentary regards without inhibition helps for the initiation for the art of arousal and the understanding and reacting for the non-verbal communications will pave way for understanding the stages in sex, wants, and expectations which, in turn, if fully understood and reacted positively, helps for the fulfillment of the stage of sexual enjoyment. Moreover, the free and frank communications with trust and truth on mutuality will help both of them to come out of the clutches of the problematic socio-cultural values. Generally the three main factors for solving most of the problems between the couple are:- (1) understanding and communication; (2) trust; (3)interest and initiative to solve the problems for mutuality. Therefore communication is one of the three vital forces to sort and solve any problem between the couple. As we say prevention is better than cure, the existence of free and frank communication on mutuality with trust and truth without selfishness between the couple will prevent any problem to become serious and rather it will try to sort, and solve any problems at the budding stage itself. In fact a strong correlation was found between a wife’s ability to communicate her sexual desires and feelings to her husband and the quality of marital sex. This fact was realized in red book survey as reported by Masters and Johnson in their book, ’sex and human loving’.
As the communication is the vital force in the married life, if a healthy communication bridge is built between the couple right from the earliest stage of marriage it will help them to lead a very happy sexual and as well as married life thro’out.
Health which influences or affects the sexual can broadly be divided into general and sexual. General is once again sub-divided into physical and mental. Physical pertains to body conditions, rather to specific, it depends upon whether senses can contribute to sexual or otherwise already attending to other physical disorders.. Mental means the present mentality on account of any positive or negative emotions. Sexual health is mainly attributed by the cyclic period and physical potentiality to enjoy.
Any physical disorder will make the senses to attend to its activities so that neither senses carry the impulses of sex nor any such impulses can be perceived to be sexual. However any one’s emotions with the other partner may instigate the person to share it with the partner through sex also. The positive emotion may tempt the person to share it with the partner through sex and negative emotion, not on account of the relationship between the two, especially sorrow, may sometimes instigate the person to have sex either to get solace or for distraction with concentration on sex. Generally the physical, mental and sexual health determine to what extent, or which stage, the sexual act can proceed. Moreover, the limit of the proceedings differs from one act to another depending upon effect of values, health of the both, interest, favourable factors for concentration, and consequential effect on account of the stage (relationship plays vital role only in the case of marriage); here the values indicate social, cultural and personal sexual values, health as explained in the above, interest means the interest to enjoy or motivated, consequential effect means the net effect on the person because of the consequence on account of reaching the stage.
Therefore by going though the foregoing paragraph, we can conclude that sexual health depends upon natural and temporal conditions of the body and mind; of which natural depends upon cyclic period and physical potentiality, and temporal depends upon the physical condition and mentality at the time of the sexual act.
The sixth main factor for the important stage i.e. sexual enjoyment is sexual equality and mutual pleasuring. In every walk of life everybody has got certain rights and duties; in the case of sex, during the sexual act the understanding and acceptance of the other’s rights in sexuality are called sexual equality. Sexual equality, in the marriage, may be said to understanding one’s own duties and responsibilities, and understanding and recognition of the other partner’s rights, privileges, wants and expectations and approaching the sexual act with flexibility with the sole aim of getting happiness for the both; an ideal condition will prevail if the both allow and commit to such sexual equality and the ultimate result will be ever-lasting happiness.
In the marriage, when each partner performs one’s duties, fulfils responsibilities, gives regard to the other’s rights and privileges, and fulfils the other’s wants and expectations; in sex such an intention itself creates a new concept of oneness on account of togetherness for mutuality. Therefore we can now say that because of sexual equality a new concept of oneness is created, irrespective of age, cultural, financial and sexual difference, on account of togetherness for mutuality without ego and selfishness to and make enjoy the sex.
As society does not poke its nose in the privacy of marriage, provided such privacy does not affect the society outside the privacy, censoring the hurdling socio-sexual values and purification of the remaining values by evaluating them on the basis of the factors like mutual satisfaction, satiation and happiness, and converting such purified socio-sexual values into personal values will pave way for understanding the sexual equality. In other words, we can say that the society can not influence in the private affairs of any couple within the marriage so long (i) the privacy does not affect the marriage badly and (ii) it does not affect the society outside their privacy.
As the society can not influence, the socio-sexual values do not have any meaning or purpose in the marriage. Therefore the couple can form their own personal values with the motto of attaining satisfaction, satiation and happiness. In line with this they can identify any socio-sexual value which is a hurdle for their enjoyment, satisfaction, satiation and happiness and remove it as a value in their sexual personal values. Only such social values, even though they are hurdles, which are concerned with their health and affecting the society outside their privacy have to be retained as personal values. Secondly they can evaluate the remaining values based on whether these values will help for their enjoyments. As the negative values are removed and positive values are incorporated into the personal values, the net effect will be equality and mutuality, and the net result will be happiness.
Everybody has got right to enjoy sex the way the person wants so long it does not hurt the other but within social and health norms; so also in marriage either partner has got duties to impart and enhance the sexual enjoyment of the other partner the way the other wants. The understanding, recognition, acceptance and implementation of such rights and duties are called sexual equality. It is worth-noting here that as per the survey report of Blumste in and Schwartz in 1983, an important factor that was linked to sexual satisfaction was equally initiating or refusing sex. Eighty- percent husbands and wives who reported that sexual initiative or ability to refuse sex on equal basis in their relationship were satisfied with the quality of their sex lives. (refer Master and Johnson’s sex and human loving). Sexual equality and mutual pleasuring are very important in every marriage because when trial and error method is adopted and an ideal condition is eventually reached by the two in sexual equality and mutual pleasuring; afterwards if the same principles and methods are extended outside the sex in their marriage, the married life will last long with happiness.
In brief, leaving the sexual qualities derived from the socio-sexual values, but giving regard to the qualities of each other’s personal values and also to the rights and privileges of the other to create, maintain and enhance the enjoyable sexual feelings, without selfishness or egoism, eventually leading to mutual pleasuring can be termed as sexual equality. Main ingredients for sexual equality are understanding, acceptance and patience the spoiling factor is egoism; but whereas adaptability and adjustability are the ingredients for mutual pleasuring, and selfishness is the spoiling factor in this case.
In the hetero-sexuality the purpose can be either for self-enjoyment or enjoyment for the both; in the first, consent, or enjoyment, of the other may or may not be there, but in the second, one is concerned with the other also; the mutual pleasuring is of the second type. If both the partners do impart and enhance the sexual enjoyment of each other the way the other wants, while enjoying for self, that is called mutual pleasuring. Main essential requirements for mutual pleasuring are selfishlessness, give and take policy, non-verbal communication, understanding and sharing the sexual enjoyment with togetherness. Because the basic concepts of marriage viz., caring and sharing are the vital factors for mutual pleasuring, the successful mutual pleasuring in the sexual acts in marriage create better understanding with each other and it will be helpful for their happy married life.
With all good relationship, understanding and free communication between the two in any blissful sexual act, both maintaining good potential health and giving regard to sexual equality and mutual pleasuring at the same time adopting the art of handling, the sexual acts after certain stage will not pave way for either for enhancement of enjoyment or for building up the tension unless an important and vital component is added in the sexuality, i.e. innovations. We know that the enhancement of enjoyment and tension prevails in any sexual act depending on the quality of feelings and perception and concentration on such feelings. In the beginning of the sexual relationship between two opposite genders, the sexual feelings seem to be the best part of enjoyment in their life because of " unusualness" and this unusualness is on account of social and personal sexual values. Hence when the procedural aspect of the sexual act becomes usual, the lack of unusualness creates hollowness of the tension; this lack of unusualness is called monotony. Here the ‘innovation’ is vital and essential to subside the monotony and to increase the sensual feeling for better motivation and enjoyment.
Then, what is innovation? In sexuality, the change in quality (of sexuality) , time and place. Here the quality of sexuality means art of motivation, art of enjoyment and art of satiation; time means clock and calendar period, cyclic period and moody period; place means place in which and on which, surroundings and environment, and privacy. Originally one of the concepts in the personal values of youngsters with regard to sex is unusualness and not to be exposed culture, hence sex in the beginning is an adventurous for both the sex partners; therefore when the procedure becomes usual and the exposure becomes routine, on account lack of unusualness the partners miss the derivation of adventurous kick in the act. Here the change in the quality of sexuality moves them away from the usualness. Generally sex in the night is an accepted common factor but whereas sex in the morning for a change will create unusualness, similarly changes during the different periods as per the likings of either or both partners pave way for unusualness; so also if places where sex was not enjoyed usually were adopted for a place of enjoyment and similarly in a different environment and with different methods of exposures in different environments even by secretly creating privacy within themselves in the public places for sexual enjoyment without affecting social values are some of important variations in enjoyment and that is called innovation. While adopting changes in the art of motivation, or enjoyment, some strange, peculiar games may be played between the two not affecting the health, nor inflicting the body, with a purpose of increasing the sharpness of quality of sensual feelings. In fact, innovation is such a wide chapter, that once the purpose of innovation is understood properly, then an innumerable means and ways may be adopted according to one’s own imagination, thinking and capacity provided such adaptability is acceptable to the both. Even stages up to which a particular sexual act may proceed can also be varied to create craze and craving for sex and even such changes are innovation. Hence lastly we summarize that the ways and means adopted for keeping up the unusualness in sex in tune with the personal values of the partners are called innovation.
Arousal is to make one interested and getting concentration whereas enjoyment is to increase and maintain such motivated feelings; or in other words, arousal or motivation creates interest but whereas enjoyment creates sensual feelings. Sexual enjoyment is the most important chapter in the sexuality because irrespective of whether further stages are reached or not this stage of sexual enjoyment is reached in all the sexualities; whether it is touching each other, or having sexual intercourse, or having solitary sex but in all the cases whether minor or major, silly or serious, love, or lust, this sexual enjoyment prevails. Sometimes, or in some cases many a times, or in exceptional cases always, the sexual act does not cross the level of this stage on account of various reasons like mood and fear; here mood may be on account of cyclic (period) , emotional, environmental (lack of secrecy) and motivational reasons, and fear Amy be on account of economy, social sexual values, health, and consequences. As the sensuality or sexual enjoyment is on account of sensual feelings it is directly proportional to the quality and the vital factors for these feelings are liking, quality and concentration. Therefore if the sexuality in any sexual act does not cross the enjoyment stage, the reasons may generally be on account of bio-cyclic periods of the person. In female during certain periods of her cycle she may enjoy with warmth feeling but may not like to enter into tension stage, so also in man after the ejaculation and before getting into full erection, depending upon one’s potentiality, one may like to enjoy sex but may not be able to go into tension and orgasm. So also certain emotions may instigate to share or forget with the help of sex but that is the time when the sexuality may be constrained to only enjoyment stage. Certain environmental conditions may not allow to proceed beyond the enjoyment stage and lack of proper motivation may be a hurdle to go into tension stage. Similarly the economic conditions may not allow the couple to go into tension or orgasm with a fear of facing the consequences if any controlling mechanism fails, moreover economic conditions of a society may not allow any member of the society to enjoy sex beyond the enjoyment stage before marriage. Certain restrictive sexual social values may permit romance but not the beyond. Health and fear of consequences on account of tension and orgasm in the intercourse may not allow to go beyond the enjoyment stage.
the main factors for happy and pleasurable sexual enjoyment will be helpful to run happy married life smoothly; especially if the important factors for conjugal happiness are followed not only in the sexual part of the married life but also thro’out the married life outside the sex also. Because the main ingredients of happiness in the long-term inter-personal relationship are incorporated in these factors, the achievement of successful happiness in their married life also. Such important factors’ are:- (1) non-intervention of one’s absolute selfishness; (2) equality and mutuality in sex; (3) understanding each other’s needs; (4) free communication; and (5) if any problem arises, understanding it, sorting it out and trying to solve amicable with mutual interest. It is pertinent to repeat here once again that if these important factors for conjugal happiness are adopted by both the couple outside the sex in their married life then the net result will always be the happiness thro’out their married life.
When the motivation creates interest and urge, the sexual enjoyment takes place in the sexuality; thereafter the culmination of enjoyment into building up of pleasurable nerves’ tension is called climax and it is psychological out of physiological. Sexual enjoyment is to enjoy the sex with perception and concentration and important factor for this is feelings. It may be just touching or even intercourse, but so long the brain is just perceiving the nerves’ impulses with the perception of difference in gender with the interest or urge to enjoy, this stage is called enjoyment; but once the concentration becomes acute and nerves’ impulses become sharpen these two create a typical perception of perceiving all the impulses from all the senses thro’out the body similar to the sharpest impulse and such perception makes the feeling of all the nerves’ impulses to be very sharp; this typical perception and feeling thro’out the body is called climax or tension. This feeling of climax and building up of tension is not constrained to sex alone. If one can concentrate on any nerves’ impulse emanating from any particular part, or sense, and perceives it to be peculiar and enjoyable, then the perception and concentration will create the perception to be acute so as to make to perceive all the impulses to be sharper and even with the culmination of the building up of this tension to the level of intolerable, then the individual may have the orgasm also; or in other words, concentration on any typical feeling of pleasure from one part will pave way for acute awareness all over the body and in turn the awareness creates the effective intense sensory impulses form all over the senses so as to create a typical immense pleasure which may be called as suck-pleasure. This is called suck-pleasure because this is similar to the typical pleasure one gets in sucking, or suckling, with unusualness in sex.
When we like to study about this climax, then we have to know the factors which create and affect this stage. As this stage happens to be psychological out of physiological, the factors are:- (1)relationship; (2) continuation of action (with skill) ; (3) impressions: (a) conscious and (b) sub-conscious; (4) absolute concentration. In the solo sexuality, relationship and impression do not matter and in the homosexuality the impressions do not matter. In the hetero-sexuality, liking is important in the relationship in the motivational stage, understanding is important in the enjoyment stage, whereas in the climax stage the trust plays vital role in the relationship. Only in the case of oneself enjoying the sex with the self-interest only without consideration for the other, the relationship is not an important factor for attaining the climax in the case of heterosexuality. For female, in the hetero-sexuality usually the relationship is very important and a must for attaining the climax except in the case of no adverse consequences both in the social value point of view and as well in becoming pregnant point of view.
Second factor is the continuation of action. As seen above, the primary requirements for climax are: absolute concentration, and acute and sharp nerves’ impulses creating the feeling of difference in gender in perception. Therefore it is very vital to maintain and enhance the impulses and sharpen them so as to create the tension; that is where the continuation helps to maintain and the skill helps to enhance. The continuation makes the impulses acute and the skill will sharpen the intensity of the impulses. Here the continuation does not mean the continuation of interaction of the same parts in the same way but means the maintenance of the intensity of nerves’ impulses and to enhance the intensity; ways and means of interaction may differ during this stage but continuation of flow of such nerves’ creating perception of difference in gender is a must during this stage.
The continuation is able to at least maintain the flow of impulses but whereas the skill will sharpen the intensity in such a way to attack the perception so as to perceive all the nerves’ impulses similarly so that the feelings thro’out the body builds-up the tension. This skill is to be learnt from the practical knowledge discussed under art of handling in sexual enjoyment. In common terms the skill is the application of the practical knowledge by the motivator with the knowledge of which part of the self can stimulate which part of recipient, by which means, so as to make the recipient feeling the flow of the thrilling sensation thro’out the body; this thrilling sensation is called climax. The skill depends on the warm and quality of the part of the motivator; the nerves’ ends prevailing at the spot and the spot nearing the skin, quality of the part and personal sexual values about the part of the recipient, and finally the ways and means of interaction between the part of the motivator and the part of the recipient. Here the ways and means once again are the touch, movements, pressure, friction and sucking.
Impressions is very vital in this sector because this creates lot of problems in the sexual proceedings; many a times, even without knowledge of either or both the partners. Therefore it is worth studying especially in the case of conjugal proceedings. During the enjoyment period when the stage is just set for tension or after having entered into the climax stage, all of a sudden the proceedings may come to halt or may not be instigative for further proceeding or may not give such pleasure, or enjoyment, or tension as expected in line with the previous proceedings, and this hurdle may create lot of problems in the sexual side of marriage which, in turn, may affect the married life unless and otherwise the problem is properly located and treated.
Impressions, in general, consciously or sub-consciously, play very important role in building up tension because is influences the perception and unusualness which are important for building up tension. Impressions are generally created on account of social and personal values, the understood meanings of experiences, and net effect of the interactions of self with the opposite genders in one’s life, especially the gain, or loss , the resultant factor with respect to expectation on account of attachment. Sub-conscious impressions may be on account of the above-mentioned factors whereas conscious impressions may be on account of known knowledge of sex, evident moral values and understood meanings of experiences.
Now let us try to deal with the impressions in the sub-conscious and their implications in one’s life, because these impressions play very vital role in the inter-personal sexuality. Every feeling, edited by ego will have re-action and if, with no option, the reaction is suppressed, the inner-core of feeling of reaction is impressed in the sub-conscious. When a certain phenomenon is sensed, a certain type of feeling derived out of the phenomenon is felt by conscious and the inner-core and basic factor of the feeling is recorded in the sub-conscious; and whenever the phenomenon, or similar type of phenomenon which has got the tendency of instigating the same feeling is sensed then the inner core and basic factor are released by sub-conscious. The inner-core will create the same type of feeling and the basic-factor will intervene in the normal activities, and these will happen involuntarily and without any influence of socio-cultural and the individual’s values and standards. When sub-conscious reveals, it will reveal without any effect of socio-cultural and individual standards on it. These inner-core and basic factor are called impressions in the sub-conscious.
The inability to react will make the resultant feeling to get impressed in the sub-conscious in the form of re-acting factors viz. reactors. These reactors will act at the instance of sub-conscious when similar event, circumstance, or environment can create the same resultant feeling. However, the reactors are independent of socio-cultural values. The resultant feelings on account of insufficient, sufficient, or more than sufficient intimacy, closeness and affection between self, in the early life, and the other sex closer to self (say father, mother, etc) on the basis of strong inter-personal relationship, may leave strong impressions in the sub-conscious, which in turn will influence, or affect, one’s sexual life because of one’s identifying the same intimacy, closeness and love between self and close-other-sex (in this case husband or wife) on the basis of strong inter-personal relationship. In fact while studying about convertible factors we have observed that the relationship between a child and the opposite sex-parent is converted sexual sub-consciously and this inter-relationship influences the sex-life of the individual.
Even though we have dealt about sub-conscious here we don’t deal with how far it affects, or influences, the sex life but we are constrained only to the influence of impressions and sub-conscious over the climax. Generally conscious-impressions may help to enhance the tension but whereas the sub-conscious- impressions are formed on account of knowledge, sexual-values and understood meanings of experiences, and these three being main ingredients of perception, these impressions influence the perception to evaluate the only nerves’ impulses with regard to the difference in gender and unusualness, and this evaluation helps the concentration to tune all nerves’ impulses in line with the sexual impulses whereby creating the tension.
As the conscious impression plays vital role during the sexual enjoyment, the sub-conscious impressions play important role during the climax period. These sub-conscious impressions are very important to be studied for certain easily unexplainable problems during climax and orgasm. As orgasm is involuntary and so also the interference of sub-conscious impressions, these impressions are worth studying for orgasm. Even if so he desires, when a person was not able to react to certain feelings with regard to, or during, certain sexual inter-personal-interactions, the impressions created on account of the net effect of the feelings will interfere in the person’s sexual interactions especially when the brain starts concentrating on the feeling and involving with the feelings; and as the sub-conscious’ reaction is an involuntary one, many a times, neither the person nor the other partner will be able to understand the sudden change in the person’s attitude during the interaction and many a times, if it happens to be negative, this change creates lot of crisis in the relationship. Therefore if there is any negative change in the attitude of a partner either at the beginning of, or during the tension, or climax, then the partner's knowledge of sex, understood meanings of sexual interactions (of others) during the earlier period, personal sexual experiences of the partner, the partner’s social and personal sexual values, inter-personal relationship and its effect on account of expectation with regard to the partner’s relationship with the opposite gender with whom the person has got a strong attachment are worth-studying and any such wrong notions, negative impressions and defective values can be changed with patience, conviction and love, for which the basic requirement is the determination to live together for the happiness of the both. In fact the net effect of gain or loss and its nature and degree on account of one’s interaction, or relationship with the opposite gender with whom the person is attached very much leaves a strong impression in the sub-conscious which, in turn, will react, according to the nature and degree, during the person’s sexual life.
Already we have seen that even though the impressions influence the perception, only the concentration will create the tension by tuning all the nerves’ impulses in line with the sexual impulses . Therefore the absolute concentration, apart from the continuation is the most important factor in the happening of climax. Generally concentration makes the brain not to perceive any other nerves’ impulses except that of on which the person concentrates. The favourable cyclic period is an important requisition for the absolute concentration; for example immediately after ejaculation a male can not concentrate ‘absolutely’ even there is interest in sex and, maximum, he can only go through the stage of sexual enjoyment. Another factor which may affect the concentration is distraction of mind.
Now we have come to the last stage of sexuality, viz. bursting of tension, otherwise called ‘orgasm’. It may, or may not, occur in every sexual episode; and in the htero-sexuality, it may occur to both, or one, or may not occur to both. When the tension is built up to an intolerable point, the building up will burst and flow like lava, as in the case of volcano; and this bursting is directly proportional to involuntary re-action and indirectly proportional to sub-conscious’ involvement. Orgasm is purely psychological. When the intensity of the nerves’ impulses become sharper, the tension all over the body mounts and at an intolerable point the sharpest intensity on account of concentration changes the brain’s perceiving to its involvement with the impulses in the difference in gender point of view with concentration, at the point of the intensity becoming the sharpest, the brain, instead of perceiving, starts involving with the effect of the impulses and this feeling on account of the involvement is called orgasm.
Master and Johnson describe the orgasm as the condition whereby the bio-physical and the psycho-social systems of influence that are required the effective sexual function is sufficiently dominant to respond to the psychosexually stimulative opportunities provided by self-manipulation, partner manipulation, or clital interchange; wherein according to Matsue and Johnson, the human female’s bio-physical system depends upon basic body economy and her psycho-social system depends upon her sexual value system. In his book ‘common sexual problems’, Dr.Prakash Kothari defines the orgasm as an explosive verbrally encoded neuromuscular response, at the peak of sexual arousal by psycho-biological stimuli, the pleasurable sensations of which are experienced in association with dispensable pelvic physiological concomitants. Moreover, Dr.Kothari describes that when an individual has sexual desire he departs from the normal state and enters into the ‘sexual state’, a state in which the subject becomes receptive to the perception of stimuli inputs as sexual; once this occurs, psycho-biological stimuli arouse the sex in the brain which starts sending out impulses, which are usually pleasurable and when such impulses reach the genitalia they lead to congestion of blood which is usually manifested as erection in the male and lubrication in the female; further stimuli further arouse the individual eventually leading to orgasm. He adds that usually one experiences a heightened sexual ecstasy accompanied by rhythmic vaginal contractions in females and ejaculation in males followed by a feeling of relaxation.
Orgasm in men is clear cut physiological and as well psychological but whereas in the case of women it absolutely psychological, as such it is a worth studying on account of its complications. Therefore we will try to study about the woman’s orgasm. In women, the orgasm is of three types generally. They are: (1) clitorial; (2) vaginal; (3) breast or rarely any other part of the body. Vaginal orgasm is long, slow, lingering feeling more gratifying, more whole, complete and deeper throbbing, soothing feeling; clitorial orgasm is dramatic, electrical and sharp, intense, fast-tingling feeling all over the body with acute sensation. Vaginal gives emotional satisfaction and clitorial gives physical satiation. Vaginal oriented women like it because by having penis in the vagina they feel complete safety, security, warmth, closeness and love. They treat the sex for expression of love. Naturally it leads to anxiety. They are less selfish and more dependent than clitorial oriented. They want psychological satisfaction. They speak much of love. Clitorial oriented women like it for pleasure. They are practical and self-oriented. They want biological satisfaction.
Orgasm of a woman seems to directly proportional to upbringing up by her father with proper care in her own future-interest with strict principle and discipline. This indicates that father being the first and strong male-relationship she builds up in her life, she wants to compensate the longing for the affection with interest on her by her next stronger male-relationship, viz. husband’s closeness in the intercourse by preferring the vaginal.
Orgasm is not proportional to sexual stimulation, techniques, intercourse positions and length of foreplay but is directly proportional to inter-personal. The attainment of orgasm requires, to some degree, the ability to persist or concentrate. Vaginal oriented woman is more anxious than the clitorial-oriented woman being uncertain, non-dependable characters of her relationship. However analysis of the data led by Gerbhard to conclude that women were much more likely to be orgasmic in "very happy" marriages (rated by self-report) than in other marriages, but it is not clear whether the very happy marriages led to a better sexual climate or vice versa.
In the recent findings in 1976 in survey conducted, it was found that more openness and permissiveness open the gate on more enjoyment and orgasms. This is an important information for the study of orgasm. Because orgasm is of sensational type, as we have already seen in the '‘feelings'’ the ingredients to create the effect of orgasm being sensation, perception, concentration and involvement simultaneously working all at the same time and the factor for these being non-intervention of negative sexual values and giving importance to positive personal sexual values and also the urge for enjoying for self, these factors work well with openness and permissiveness. To prove this fact, another analysis of a survey shows that more clear-cut career for a woman then there will be more frequency of orgasm in her sexual life.
Orgasmic feelings will come only when there is no interruption of sub-conscious’ impressions. During the orgasm the feeling will be of the mind itself mingles with the deeply concentrated feeling of selflessness and oneness. So far, till orgasm, mind, as a separate identity, will be enjoying the feelings of the senses but in orgasm mind itself mingles with the feelings, or in other words the vibration of the feelings, spreading from the senses during climax, attacks the brain, during orgasm, forcing the brain also to vibrate with the feelings. Usually, ‘self’ is identified with the brain and senses and body are separate, but in this case when the brain itself vibrates in tune with the feelings one feels the self merged with the feelings or the other partner’s feelings or finds self living on sensations for the brief moment.
Here we will see the feelings of some women with regard to enjoying the orgasm as per their own statements (refer ‘understanding female’s orgasm’ by Seymour Fisher):- "orgasm for me usually involves getting more and more tense until there is a final release and then it drops down slowly. Once this happened - when it was like a convulsive thing and I involuntarily and unconsciously screamed – I really enjoyed it. One thing about orgasm – I feel like biting or grabbing something really hard and my husband’s back sometimes gets pretty scratched", yet another woman says, "the sensation is that of a rigid know –bursting and flowing suddenly", "the vaginal orgasm is deeper somehow. It takes a great deal more physical energy and is more emotionally satisfying in that I feel more at oneness with my husband"; "orgasm comes as a dizziness, a loss of self-almost as if I didn’t exist as a body but I exist on as a sensation"; "during orgasm I have no conscious thoughts just a very pleasurable feeling of release."; "generally, the body sensations while attaining orgasm area tightening, physical tension, tingling"; "I feel ready to burst and send up crying hysterically for several minutes"; "at the exact moment that orgasm behind, I draw a complete blank of thoughts and just ‘wallow’ in the physical pleasure I derive."
The author, Seymour, says that (1) the orgasm is one in which there are strange sensations and loss of identity and it is etcsy; and (2) the process of joining with someone is, for women, depicted as comforting, anxiety allying, security. According to the author a woman’s ability to reach orgasm is tied to her feeling of loss, the low-orgasm woman feels insecure about the deep vendibility of relationships. Moreover it was found that the higher a woman’s endurance score the greater was her orgasm consistence; this means that the more a woman can stick to a task and persist in dealing with a problem even in the face of complication or interruption the greater is her orgasm consistency. Next the author finds that the greater a woman’s orgasm capacity, the less permissive and the more controlling she perceives her father to be. The low-orgasmic women were found to concerned about object loss (separation, anxiety) one could say that, in Freud's terms, they were really fearful of an uncontrollable accumulation of internal tension.
Intense tingling feeling all over the body with mounting tension and warmth as if to burst will flow suddenly and afterwards pleasurable feeling of release with satisfaction/happiness will be felt. Sherfly, a psychoanalyst, who has examined in minute detail male-female orgasm patterns, considers the female orgasm potential to exceed male’s tremendously. Numerous studies have shown that the higher a woman’s social-economic and educational status, the more consistently she achieves orgasm. The psychological separation between lower-class husband and wife on account of strict roles wherein division of labour is rigidly spelled out may make it difficult for them to exchange tenderness, love and free communication and especially for this woman it becomes more a wifely duty than a source of gratification; this contrasts sharply with the class in which husband and wife roles are less preciously differentiated and there is a greater emphasis on close communication between spouses. Even though what is stated may not be true in all the cases but this indicates that there should be sharing closeness and fee communication in every walk of married life and if the same is extended to sex also it will be easier for a woman to reach orgasm.
After studying the interviews of women on sample survey about their attitude towards sex it is found that (1) low orgasmic women give more importance to sex as expression of love, security, mutual happiness, warmth, etc that is, in a nutshell, in toto, on psychological satisfaction, or in a different angle, they give prominence rather to give enjoyment than to take or receive whereby we can construe that such women aim at attaining happiness out of love; (2) whereas, in the case of high orgasmic women, more importance is given to sex for liking, pleasure and enjoyment, and expecting the husband to give the pleasure, that is, in a nut shell, to biological satiation and, in a different angle, they aim at pleasure out of passion and lust. Low orgasmic woman feels some kind of loss or separation which she can’t tolerate unconsciously due to the upbringing by her father without proper personal care in her interest and during the mounting tension the temporary loss of consciousness of this worldly affairs and all other things, that inner-built feeling will intervene, as an alarm to alert her conscious not to lose to the things and stop her attaining orgasm. Moreover, the women in all the seven samples, conducted by Seymour fisher, thought that the terms like ‘ecstatic’, ‘happy’, and ‘as if I would burst’ were most descriptive of how they felt during orgasm; and the terms ‘happy’, ‘relaxed’ and ‘satisfied’ are, across all the samples, most often designated as typical of the women’s feelings in post orgasm. As per the same author, apparently, as a subjective phenomenon, the typical female orgasm lasts from sex to ten seconds.
According to masters and Johnson, the maximum physiologic intensity of orgasmic response subjectively reported or objectively recorded has been achieved by self-regulated mechanical or auto-manipulative techniques. The next highest level of erotic intensity has resulted from partner manipulation, again with established or self-regulated methods, and the lowest intensity of target-organ response was achieved during coition; whereas according to Seymour, women describe the clitorial stimulation as ‘warm’, ‘ticklish’, ‘electrical’ and ‘sharp’ and the vaginal stimulation as ‘throbbing’, ‘deep’, ‘comfortable’ and ‘soothing’ and there may be strong preferences for one or the other but the overall trend is for clitorial to be experienced as contributing more to orgasm achievement than does vaginal. Again according to Masters and Johnson orgasm has its onset with a sensation of suspension or stoppage. Lasting only an instant, the sensation is accompanied or followed immediately by an isolated thrust of intense sensual awareness, clitorially oriented, but radiating upward into the pelvis. A simultaneous loss of overall sensory activity has been described as paralleling in degree the intensity and duration of the particular orgasmic episode. As the second stage of subjective progression through orgasm, a sensation of ‘suffusion of warmth’ specifically pervading the pelvic area first and then spreading progressively throughout the body was described by almost every woman with orgasmic experience as per the Masters and Johnson’s findings; moreover finally a feeling of involuntary contraction with a specific focus in the vagina or lower pelvis, or in other words the initial phase was expressed as contractile, followed immediately by a throbbing sensation often was depicted as continuing until it become one with a sense of the pulse or heartbeat. However they found that the phase of contractile sensation has been identified as paralleling in time sequence the recorded initial spasm of the orgasmic platform. Here so do not go into the findings of physiological side of orgasm in their report.
In contrast to the fact that orgasmic experiences of the human female can be interrupted by extraneous psycho sensory stimuli, the male orgasmic experience, once initiated by contractions of the accessory organs of reproduction can not be constrained or delayed until the seminal-fluid emission has been completed. Of primary importance is the fundamental demand of the life cycle for male ejaculation; obviously there have been cultural attempts to control ejaculatory frequency and to direct ejaculatory occasion, but not to repress the ejaculatory process. This one factor of ejaculatory necessity has relieved the male of psycho-social pressures that have been imposed upon the female’s orgasmic experience. Cultural concern for male sexual performance does not focus on orgasmic attainment. Therefore, we can note that there is no psycho-social constrain over male orgasm but there is a concern on his penile erection; however, the period and quality of erection and the withstanding capacity of the male partner for erection may have psych0-effect on the female partner.
We can view the same orgasm in a very different angle that is in a philosophical point of view. The loss of self and feeling of oneness can be compared to the feeling of selfless oneness with an almighty in Bhakthi or Yoga culture. Ecstasy is a stage, or level, in sexual enjoyment, with or without tension between two lovers alone wherein a lover forgets his, or her, relationship with the outer-world and enjoys, with concentration through all the senses, the oneness, or togetherness, of the two. Therefore sex, on account of the factors like oneness, forgetting this world in ecstasy and selflessness, indicates the highest principle of philosophy; in fact these factors are, once again the feelings during orgasm also. That may be a reason why such an orgasmic pleasure is recommended in marriage by Hindu scripts, viz. Upanishads. For example the Brahadaranyaka Upanishad (br.u.iv 3.21)says," "e is without sin, any other desire or fear like a man in sexual intercourse with his wife, he does not have any other external or internal consciousness or feeling i.e. he forgets everything both within and without, the one who devotee to prajna forgets everything else and becomes immune to desires and feelings." (refer the book ‘the art of Khajuraho’ by R.Nath) Chandogya Upanishad (ch.u.v.8.1-2) says,"oh, gautam, woman is sacrificial fire, agni, her mons veneris is sacrificial altar, vedi; addressing and chanting is its burning, genitalia is flame, and penetration of penis into its fire; the consequential bliss is its sparkling.: The vedic people believed that "sexual union led the way to bliss thereafter and must be performed in a true religious spirit to secure spiritual welfare;" (refer sakti and sakta p.66). Though it had been prescribed as a necessary ritual, maithuna was really not intended to be taken literally as copulation, but in its symbolic meaning as representing the union of Sakti with Siva. Philosophically, it was a union of the static immanent principle with the dynamic aspect in the act of creation; ritually, it was the arousing of kundalini thro’ sateakara-sadana and the ultimate union of this Sakti with Siva principle in the sahasrara which results bliss. In fact observance and performance of maithuna has been prescribed as a religious rite in several texts of the Grahya-sutras, Srauta-sutras, Brahmana, Aranya kasand upanishads.
What Jayadeva composed in his
inimitable master-piece, "Git Govinda" where the songs of Bhakti which were sung
with ardent devotion in religious assemblies accompanied by musical instruments;
but in essence, it is an all-absorbing narrative of eroticism depicting the
love-plays of Krishna and Radha without the slightest reservation or inhibition;
in fact, it is the pleasure of sex, to speak of it plainly, and mostly of
copulation, which, dominates these religious songs. In fact, it is a grand
treatise on sringara mainly sambhoga srngara, it is eroticism which is writ
large in every step of its twelve avenues portraying the various phases. Coitus
in regard to the godly incarnation of
After Radha-Krishna it is
worth noting the Shiva-Parvathi affair not outwardly but with the reasoning
behind such stories. In some versions Shiva comes to earth in search of Sat.
Finding her yoni established in Kamarupa in Assam (at the goddess temple in
Kamarupa the sacred image is in the form of a yoni), Shiva assumes the form of
the linga and plunges himself into her, where the two remain conjoined
permanently (refer Brhaddnarma-purana, Kalika purana and Mahabhagava purana).
The image of the linga in the yoni, which is the common image of the deity in
shiva temples teaches the lesson that the tension between Shiva and Parvathi is
ultimately resolved in interdependence. The ubiquitous image of the linga in the
yoni symbolises the creative release in the ultimate erotic act of power stored
through asceticism, and also a creative interaction between the world of the
ascetic, in which sexual abstinence is mandatory and the life of the
householder, in which sex is necessary (Faturly in Asceticism and Eroticism
pp-1-38). In any myths it is Parvathi who asks Shiva to revive
In the course of analysing the stages of happenings of conjugal pleasure, we have discussed the stages viz. arousal, enjoyment, tension and orgasm, and now we have come to the last chapter viz. anti-climax. Interest to enjoy and liking to enjoy with the partner form arousal; feelings and perception form enjoyment; mind’s concentration forms tension and its involvement creates orgasm. However every sexual interaction does not lead to satiation, or satisfaction, mainly because of the difference between the reality and notional ideas of either partner about the difference between manhood and womanhood in sexual interactions and its consequences.
For woman enjoyment is on account of ‘to be handled’ and for men on account of ‘handling’. For women the urge is quenched by being handled, and being performed with qualities of strong, rough and rigid in-depth, but for men the urge is quenched by handling, or doing with soft, smooth not easily available, completing invariably by orgasm with rigid, violent and strength in depth. In sex, woman wants her man to act with "peeling penetration" type with her whereas man wants to approach woman with "adventurous" type. When the urge starts man ‘performs’ and after the performance the purpose is served and hence he gets satiated but whereas for women there is no performance, on her part, but she is to be performed till she gets satiated. In a man, the nerves’ alerted area, in sex, is situated in one area, penis., And once it is triggered, it performs, emits and cools down thereby he also cools down; whereas, in a woman nerves’ accumulated areas are many and once they are triggered, ‘they have to be handled’ till they cool down and afterwards only she cools down.
Women to be handled, men handling, women to be performed upon them, men performing on the women. Women attracting, men impressing, or giving; women to be penetrated, men penetrating; these indicate that the target of pleasure is womanly body and it is to be activated by manhood. Hence woman is initially passive and man is active and the passive is activated by motivation and proper handling; once activated womanhood joins with the manhood in the sexual activity. Fortunately man acts and gets satiated but whereas a womanhood has to be acted upon thereby she gets satiated.
Emission is an instant whereby man gets satiated but for a woman there is no such instant but whereas urge has created nerves’ alertness at many areas which are to be interacted till she comes to normalcy (preferable to her satisfaction) to get satiated. Man’s sexual tension is released by instant reaction but in women the tension is released by interactions; even the reactions in women do not create any such feelings of loss of energy and interest like in men. In a man the accumulated and built-up sexual tension is instantly released on account of biological emission outside through an outlet thereby he calms down immediately; whereas in a woman the accumulated and built-up sexual tension has to cool down within-herself by reactions hence she cools down slowly. It is like the vomiting sensation vanishing after vomiting and vomiting sensation diminishing without vomiting. A man discharges on account of satiation and woman discharges for enjoyment. Orgasm is a satiated point for a man but orgasm need not be a satiated point for a woman. For men orgasm and satiation are same but whereas for women both need not be same. For a man orgasm is satiation but for a woman orgasm is only a peak point and cooling down the nerves’ alertness to normalcy, to her immense satisfaction, is satiation.
On account of certain social values with which she has been brought up, generally, a woman’s basic instinct is ‘sex with security’, as such after the urge vanishes on account of the undergone sex, her sub-conscious, on account of her basic instinct, is to be satisfied about the security aspect in the undergone sex. For a woman security means 'taking care of her'. ’Hence care factor is very important here. Therefore after the active sexuality, every woman generally requires expression of care by her man which care is sub-consciously translated into security. Moreover, the beginning of her sexual life with man would have left a strong impression that a man is selfish and he is concerned with his orgasm but not her satiation. As such any expression of care by her man after his orgasm is translated as selfless love of her man towards her which, in turn, is translated by her sub-conscious as a complete security for her.
During one’s early life and during the early stages or relationship with the opposite gender during childhood, certain interactions of the person whom the self was attached, had got liking, with self would have strong impressive personal values and in later life the typical interactions of her/his person with him/her in sex are always interpreted with the impressed values. On account of precarious mould in which a woman is made, she will always be sentimental about these impressed values. Therefore after her urge in sexual act diminished, if her man interacts in such a way so as to enable her to interpret the interactions to be caring that will pave way for long-lasting sexual relationship between them.
Dr.Van de velde, in his book, ’Ideal marriage its physiology and technique’ says that after-play (i.e. anti-climax) seals and confirms the intensification of love attained in communion. It is a part of sexual intercourse because of its interchange of tender impressions and sentiments. It is no diminution of this interchange that it is of necessity predominantly psychic, so that body contacts are only accessory. On the contrary this makes it the most delicate and ethereal and (in a sense) altruistic of all acts in the love drama. Its intimate technique is not physical but psychological by cultivating this portion of the sexual relation with the greatest care and attention, avoiding excess, without extravagance and exaggeration, but with the imagination that requires the utmost delicacy and grace. Physiologically until perfect equipoise and control return the golden rule enjoins no strong stimulation which might interrupt and deflect them. The duration of the after-play can not be suggested because its end can not be defined.
In a nut-shell, if one of the partners has come back to normalcy but not the other, then the partner who has returned to normalcy should make, both physiologically and psychologically, the other partner also to come back to normalcy with satisfaction and this is a ‘must’ during anti-climax in hetero-sexual affair. This need not be constrained to man, or woman, only but applicable to the both. However in majority of the occasions man reaches anti-climax period earlier than his woman, that is why most of the books on sex speak about the golden rule to the men rather than to women. In many cases, when the purpose of sex, in the same episode, differs between the partners and on account of this, if the woman gets satisfied earlier but not her partner, she has to help him to reach the climax to come back to normalcy. In the case of man, he can reach satiation after her satisfaction so that there will not be much time gap between his reaching normalcy and her reaching; or both can reach satiation simultaneously and the he can attend to her needs to enable her to come to normalcy with satisfaction; or otherwise, if he has got good potency, he can reach his satiation at his will then attend to her needs during his relaxation period and again climb to satiation through different parts of hers to enable to satisfy her at her every ebb but with the aim of coming through anti-climax together.
At epilogue prevails at the end of every book or essay, or article, the satisfactory anti-climax is a must in every heterosexual affair. As it is more concerned with psychological satisfaction than physical satiation, it is a must in every sexual affair between lovers and in the marriage. As it expresses love and guarantees security of care it is very important for women, and it confirms her partner’s understanding of her needs which is very important in the married life for her. Procedural interactions during the anti-climax so as to serve the purpose can only by from the past-learned experiences of sexual episodes between them; because, because of one’s personal sexual values and impressions, certain interactions are interpreted into certain meanings and also they create certain impressions. From the learned experiences adopting such interactions, with love and mutuality, to make the partner to come to normalcy with satisfaction, or satiation as the case may be, is the theme of anti-climax.
Interest and liking are pre-conditions for sex; feelings and perception are the factors for enjoyment; and involvement and concentration are important for climax. Satiation being advantage and insatiation being evil, in sex, the satiation leads to happiness and insatiation leads to disgust. Therefore it is not only important to know about the happenings during sex in the conjugal pleasure but also it is very pertinent to study the consequences also so that negative effects can be corrected to positive benefits leading to ever-lasting happiness..
We have already seen in one of the fore-gone paragraphs that consequence can be sub-divided into two i.e.:- (1) effect; (2) consequence.
When there is a conflict between desire and personal sexual values, if the values overtake the desire in spite of acceptance of society and partner it creates problems. Any sort of failure to get response, or to perform, to one’s expectation and to the extent of one’s satisfaction leads to insatiation, which, in turn, will lead to health and psychological problems. Any psycho-sexual problem in marriage may be on account of restrictive socio-sexual values accepted as personal values; or strong impressions, in depth; or consciously unknown factors impressed in sub-conscious on account of suppression because of helplessness. In general the indirect factors affecting or influencing, the joy in sex are values, impressions (unconscious or sub-conscious) health, emotions, environment, biological cycle periods, and potency. Here impressions are derived from the experiences, or observations, through senses whereas values are learnt through understood meanings of experiences, interaction, observations and teachings.
Problems may creep in the sex-life on account of: - (1) impressions in the conscious and sub-conscious minds on account of inter-personal relations and certain experiences in the sexual matters; (2) inadequate knowledge, wrong notions and inputs; (3) lack of the important factors for conjugal pleasure; (4) relationship; (5) health; (6) lack of proper application of the art of motivation and satisfaction and innovation; (7)anxiety. Any problem can either be of dysfunction or ejaculatory, or of insatiation. Dysfunction is of two types namely general sexual dysfunction and orgasmic dysfunction. Ejaculatory problem may either premature ejaculation, or inordinate delayed ejaculation, or no ejaculation. General dysfunction is vagismus, frigidity, non-lubrication and temporary impotency. Insatiation is on account of lack of care-response, and performance to the level of expectation, or craving; that means if the performance does not create the expected satisfaction, then the resultant disgust is called insatiation. Any sort of failure to get response, or to perform, to one’s expectation and to the extent of one’s satisfaction leads to insatiation, which, in turn, will lead to health and psychological problems. Main reason for sexual problem is insatiation. In the inter-personal sexual relationship between husband and wife, any non-fulfillment of sexual desire to the expected level called insatiation and if a pattern of certain non-fulfillment is established in a series of sexual acts, then arises the sexual problem.
Any sexual problem in the unit of marriage, not because of physiological, or biological, drawbacks, is usually because of the subconscious impressions on account of impressed factors which are the derived meanings for helplessness (and in this case) during one’s desired performance, or relationship, or during any compulsive acts perceived even slightly, or any part of the act, in the sex point of view during one’s earlier stages and these impressed factors necessarily formulate a definite pattern of sexual functioning, or dysfunctioning, without knowledge, or reasoning, of consciousness or mind; here earlier stage means the period earlier to attaining the practical maturity about the subject, viz. life, sex and marriage.
After happenings comes consequences which is further subdivided into: (1) effect; (2) impressions. Effect means the effect o f happenings, non-happenings, satiation, insatiation and helplessness and the respective impressions are created by such effects in the mind or sub-conscious. Liking, interest, privacy, health, cyclic periods, art of motivation, enjoyment and satiation, unusualness, personal sexual values, emotion, purpose, selfishness, mutuality are some of the factors playing important roles insatiation, effect and impressions.
Effect of happenings to the level of expectation leads to satisfaction; effect of happenings beyond the level of expectation leads to happiness; and effect of happenings, or non-happenings, below the level of expectations leads to insatiation; wherein the expectation depends upon personal values, desire, environment, purpose and level, experience; and it may vary (even increase) from one happening to another and from one stage to another within the same happening. With regard to the personal sexual values, in marriage, husband should understand his wife’s personal sexual values of a man and the should understand her husband’s personal sexual values of a woman; removing the negative and impossible values of each other’s, one must, as far as possible, try to satisfy the personal sexual values of the other. Desire depends upon liking, relationship, interest, opportunity, health, cyclic periods, and emotion. Environment should be a creative of opportunity to enjoy with concentration. Purpose may be for sharing forgetting, security, enjoyment, caring and begetting (children). It is worth to note that the excitement in the sexual enjoyment is because of the inbuilt nature of unusualness in it; therefore the unusualness creates and builds up the excitement part of enjoyment.
To understand personal sexual values of an individual, we should first understand the general sexual values and social values; thereafter we can know which of the general and social sexual values the individual has accepted as his/her personal values. To understand the general values, we first try to know what a man, in general, thinks about a woman and what a woman, in general, thinks about a man.
A girl, or woman, is usually under stress of three things:- (1)personal desires; (2)social and personal values; (3)bio-physical aptitudes towards sex. It is very important to note that as far as woman is concerned, the social value of sex is: ‘the man takes so that she should give that too under strict social security’, usual interpretation of woman for the above rule are :- (1) she can give only when security is provided; (2)right to enjoy (i.e. take) is man’s, and duty of a woman is to give, that means demand is to come form man and supply is woman’s duty; (3) she can also enjoy when man is enjoying; (4) privilege is allowed to a man whereas duty is fixed upon woman; (5) because of privilege man can go out of social values but because of responsibility (on account of duty) woman can’t go out of purview of social values; (6) because her role is to attract, she is allowed to be attractive but not tempting, i.e. not to the extent of making a man to take from her outside the purview of her security, that also means that man may take but responsibility is woman’s (in certain cultures, even in the case of rape). As per the social value, ‘she gives and he takes’, in marriage (i.e. under social security) she develops a personal value of sex "to use ‘the giving’ as a triumph card". As a compromise between her personal sexual desire and social value, a girl adopts usually the point no.6 as enjoyment of her attracting but evading the action, that is she develops a personal value: attraction evading action. This limit only a girl knows which boys do not understand. A woman’s strategies will usually be to make the man demand so that she can enjoy while giving, therefore a woman’s personal value, either in security, or in secrecy, is: to create demand from her man. Because demand is the man’s right her demand, in her point of view, is out of social value; therefore she develops personal value that the demand from her is vulgar; and in many cases man has also developed this personal value on account of strong influence of such social values in his mind. Because of right, a man develops personal value of sex as enjoyable one, whereas because of duty and security a woman develops personal value of sex as responsible one. One of the main difference between man and woman being muscles and fat; and man’s is right to demand but woman’s is duty to give; because of these, in a sexual act, personal value of sex is ‘handling’ is man’s and ‘adjustability’ is woman’s. Because of the above reason, one of the attributes of personal values for man is ‘venturing’ and for woman is ‘safeguarding’ (safeguarding the interest of self, family and society from the inadvertent consequences of sex).
As woman seems to be more complicated psychologically in sex, let us try to understand her bio-physical aptitudes in sex. A woman knows that: she is different; she has got more in sex, she has got an exclusive for sex; she is potential and they are exhibitive; they attract the attention; they are opposite in nature to male (i.e. rough x smooth; rigid x soft; strong x weak). Her sex drive is cyclic on account of biorhythm, she is emotional. Even within security, because of potentiality, she attracts, and because of to be acted upon, she expects her man to ’ understand' her needs, wants, and expectation and to take ‘care’ of handling the interaction so as to fulfill her desire completely. Her sexual drive makes her to attract but social values put break in order not to proceed further into action (especially it holds good before marriage). She is attracted by male by non-physical nature and joins with him in sex on physical dimension. Her potentiality is to be exploited by male, but she does not understand why male is always concerned with physical whereas, in her point of view, sex starts with on non-physical attraction. For her sex is emotional and renewal of care. Opening up and adjustability are hers whereas initiative and intrusion are his. Herself going into action in sex with male is vulgar, in her point of view, because of social value male exploits – hence should be domi8nating, female potential, soft, and weak –should be submissive and adjustable., Basically, heart in heart, a woman feels that she is potential in sex and her man’s exploiting her potentiality yields pleasure for the both. Her sex is concerned with potentiality and her man’s sex is concerned with anxiety; as such to keep up her potentiality being exploited, she always keeps his anxiety alive. The role of a female’s physical nature is to attract but whereas, in woman’s point of view, the role of physical nature of a male is to exploit. In fact always the nature of roughness and rigidity is to exploit softness; and the strength and power can protect the weakness; these undercurrents form the basic concept behind the feeling of a woman about the physical nature of a male in sex.
In sex act man expects her
adjustability whereas woman expects understanding. Here adjustability is to
adjust to his requirements and mode of performance for his satiation; and
understanding is to understand her wants to satisfy her. Because the performer
is a man, adjustability is his expectation to enable him to perform as per his
wish and get satiated; but because a woman is to get performed, unless her man
understands her wants and requirements, she can not get him performed to her
satiation. Man’s expectation, i.e. adjustability, is physical but the woman’s,
i.e. understanding, is non-physical. A peculiar value found in certain parts of
During their sexual life, the behavioural patterns of man/boy and woman/girl, in general social interaction, will always by in accordance with their natural roles in sex. Man wants to be impressive so that he wants to impress upon the woman to allow him to perform; whereas woman wants to be attractive so as to attract to be performed on her. In brief, he has to perform, hence he impresses, she has to perform, hence she attracts. We can note that impressive is always concerned with qualitative attributes and the attraction is always concerned with physical attributes. That is the difference between the attributes of man’s liking of woman and woman’s liking of man.
A man can decide to give or not, but a woman can’t decide whether to receive, or not. If a man decides to give, absolutely in physiological terms and in nature’s point of view, the woman can not reject but to bear with it; that means not only the woman can’t reject it but has to bear the consequences also. In brief, a man decides and the woman has to bear and deliver. This may be the main reason behind the formation of basic value of manhood as ‘domination’ and the womanhood as ‘has to bear’ or ‘submissiveness’. Of course his muscle-power has added to his strength in domination and her attractive fats have led her to be weak. However we can conclude that the values of manhood or womanhood in society are generally determined by the roles they play, control they can exercise and the power they inherit in sex.
Sex is a part of a game of pleasure for men because he need not face any consequence on account of it; but whereas as woman do not have physiological control over the consequences, the sex, for women, becomes part of their life, hence they seek security and permanence in sex. That is why for man womanhood is a physical attribute and for women manhood is a non-physical attribute which should pave way for permanence in relationship and security for sexual consequences; however for women manhood becomes physical attribute only when either permanent relationship and security for sexual consequences are established, or the sexual consequence is under control of the woman.
General differences between manhood: womanhood are as follows: muscles and rigidity: fat; child giving: child bearing; giving is optional: acceptance is non-optional; emotional stability: emotional, sentimental and possessive; performing: to be performed; impressing: attracting; penetrating: to be penetrated; discharging for satiation: discharging for enjoyment; approach is adventurous type: approach is for sensational feelings.
Now coming to desire, desire is the surging interest to enjoy on account of potential bio-level with motivational factors (viz. favourable opportunity), good health and emotional liking to enjoy with the partner. Liking of the partner is the basic condition for enjoyment; good health with positive bio-level will create the interest; and opportunity for privacy, and concentration, will make the interest surging; however, the desire combined with personal values and purpose will determine the expectation. Generally the desire will create the expectation, the personal values and past experiences will determine the expectation of mode of enjoyment, and the purpose will determine the level of enjoyment. Depending upon to what extent the available environment can create an opportunity to enjoy with concentration, the expectation will develop with regard to what stage the sexual act can proceed in such environment. Current purpose for the approach to sex may be for sharing positive emotions or forgetting negative emotions wherein sharing will usually be on sensation basis and forgetting will be on sentimental basis; in most of the cases for women, for security, she will be bartering the sex., In such cases, in the first part, her expectation will be of such procedural acts with sentiments so as to translate the same into security and, in the second part it is more pertinent for her to give and satisfy him so as to feel secured on account of his satisfaction.
Now while discussing about effect, we will study a little about sexual problems for which it is better to follow masters and Johnson as stated in their book, ‘human sexual inadequacy’. General problems identified by them are: premature ejaculation, ejaculatory incompetence, primary impotence, secondary impotence, orgasmic dysfunction, vaginismus, dyspareunia, sexual inadequacy in the ageing male and female. The following 13 pares are the quotation from the above-mentioned book.
A man is a premature ejaculator if he cannot control his ejaculatory process for a sufficient length of time during intravaginal containment to satisfy his partner in at least fifty percent of their coital connections. The male’s level of concern for an uncontrolled ejaculatory pattern and the concom8intant depth of his female partner’s sexual frustrations tend to increase in direct parallel to the degree of their formal education. The complain in the marital contending with an established pattern of premature ejaculation usually is the female partner. An young man’s commitment to self centered expression of sexual need with its resultant physical pattern of rapid intermission and quick ejaculation like during the visits to prostitutes; as the inexperienced male became conditioned to this pattern of sexual functioning , a life time of rapid ejaculatory response might be established. A pattern of rapid completion of the male sexual cycle is established by socio-cultural demand (for e.g. to be completed in secrecy before any observation), and again it only takes two or three such pressured exposures for potential conditioning of the young male to a pattern of premature ejaculation the old double standard of male sexual dominance is perpetuated by the concept of rapid and effective release of male sexual tensions provided by female companion who services a man without expecting or receiving comparable sexual prerogatives from her sexual partner.
The uninformed wile's reaction to a husband with an established problem of premature ejaculation also is relatively typecast. During the first months or years of the marriage, for premature ejaculation in the marriage, the usual response is on of tolerance, understanding, or sympathy, with oft-voiced expressions of confidence that the problem will be overcome soon. With due passage of time and with her husband’s rapid ejaculatory tendency not only continuing, but frequently becoming worse, the wife’s sexual frustrations rise to the surface. She verbalises her distress by accusing her husband of just using her as an object for sexual release; in short, of being selfish, irresponsible, or simply of having no interest in or feeling for her as an individual. These wifely complaints are legion, couched in individually self-expressive terms but reflecting in general rebellion at being used sexually rather than loved sexually. The ‘just being used’ is the part most difficult for wives to accept.
A man with ejaculatory incompetence rarely has difficulty in achieving or maintaining an erection quality sufficient for successful coital connection; clinical evidence of sexual dysfunction arises when the afflicted individual cannot ejaculate during intravaginal containment. There is a multiplicity of factors that can force development of ejaculatory incompetence. In addition to the primary influence of religious orthodoxy, male fear of pregnancy, or lack of interest in or physical orientation to the particular woman are major etiological factors. The usually underlined etiological factors of unopposed maternal dominance or homosexual orientation were present but quite in the minority in this small series.
Usually it is impossible to delineate, without reservation, untoward maternal influence as a primary etiological factor in primary impotence. Severe religious orthodoxy may indoctrinate the teenager with the concept that any form of overt sexual activity prior to marriage not only is totally unacceptable but is personally destructive, demoralizing, degrading, dehumanizing, and injurious to one’s physical and/or mental health. Each of the five virginal wives with orthodox religious backgrounds similar to those of their new husbands also had to be treated for vaginismus. Commitment to an overt pattern of homosexual response in the early to kindle teenage years also emerged as a major etiological factor in failed coital connection during initial and all subsequent heterosexual exposures.
The interesting observation remains that, although there obviously are instances when primary impotence almost seems preordained by prior environmental influence, there frequently is a psychosexually traumatic episode directly associated with the first coital experience that establishes a negative psychosocial influence pattern or even a life-style of sexual dysfunction for the traumatized man. Certainly in the histories of primarily impotent males there are recorded instances of compulsively neurotic maternal influence, including forms of direct mother-son sexual encounter. The individual psycho-social characteristics of young men who are sent and occasionally broken almost beyond repair by the oppressive conditioning of unopposed maternal dominance, orthodox theological control, or homosexual orientation. In brief, the etiology of primary impotence has a multiplicity of factors. In most of these instances, the unexplained sensitivity of the particular male to psychosocial influence adjudicates the specific failures of the virginal experience with sexual function into subsequently high levels of concern for performance. For the sexually dysfunctional woman, security of an established man-woman relationship, real identification with the male partner, and warmth and expression of mutual emotional responsivity are all of vital concern-first, in securing a positively oriented sexual value system and, second, in promoting effective sexual functioning.
If a man is to be judged secondarily impotent, there must be the clinical landmark of at least one instance of successful intromission, either during the initial coital opportunity or in a later episode. Once a shadow of doubt has been cast, even though based only on a single unsatisfactory sexual performance after years of effective functioning, a man may become anxious about his theoretical potential for future coital connection. There are a number of theoretical factors and a combination of psychological, circumstantial, environmental, physiological, or even latrogenic factors that can raise the spector of the fear of performance in the always-susceptible mind of the male in certain culture. There are innumerable classic examples in the literature of maternal dominance contributing to secondary impotence. The real tragedy of unopposed parental dominance is that it leaves the susceptible male sibling vulnerable when his insecure masculinity must face the sexual challenge of our culture. Regardless of how innocuous the level of that challenge may seem toothers, to the concerned man every bedding is indeed a demand for performance. To a significant degree, the histories of primarily and secondarily impotent men are almost parallel when religious orthodoxy has major etiological influence. Homosexual influence in the formative years is an important etiological factor in the onset of secondary impotence for men in the 30 to 40 year age group. Once homosexual performance has been recorded and enjoyed before significant heterosexual exposure has been experienced, a pattern of heterosexual dysfunction may develop.
Negation of female sexuality, which discourages the development of an effectively useful sexual value system, has been an exercise of the so-called double standard and its socio-cultural precursors. The necessary freedom of sexual communication between parents and sons and daughters cannot be achieved until the basic component of sexuality itself is given a socially comfortable role by all active generations simultaneously. Socio-cultural influence more often than not places woman in a position in which she must adapt, sublimate, inhibit or even distort her natural capacity to function sexually in order to fulfill her heretically assigned role. Herein lies a major source of woman’s dysfunction. The bio-physically and psychosocially based systems of influence that naturally co-exist in any woman have the capacity if not the biological demand to function in mutual support. Unfortunately they frequently compete for dominance in problems of sexual dysfunction. Yet woman’s conscious demand of bio-physical capacity rarely is a completely successful venture, for her physiological capacity for sexual response infinitely surpasses that of man. In the failure of her sexual values to serve, workable substitution was not identified and the void of psychosexual insecurity remained unfilled, sexual dysfunction became an ongoing way of life.
Primary orgasmic dysfunction describes a condition whereby neither the bio-physical nor the psycho-social systems of influence that are required for effective sexual function is sufficiently dominant to respond to the psychosexually stimulative opportunities provided by self-manipulation, partner manipulation, or coital interchange. Most dysfunctional women’s fundamental difficulty is that the requirements of their sexual value systems have never been me. Consequently, the resultant limitations of the psychosocial system have never been overcome. The woman living with residual of specific sexual trauma (mental or physical) frequently is encountered in this category. By far the greatest instance of a combined diagnosis was that of a non-orgasmic woman married to a premature ejaculator. Another salient in the human female’s disadvantaged role in coital connection is the centuries-old concept that it is woman’s duty to satisfy her sexual partner. A history reelecting the control of orthodox religious demands upon the orgasmically dysfunctional woman and her husband is presented to underscore the foundation’s professional concern for any orthodoxy-influenced imprinting and environmental input that can and does impose severely negative influences upon the susceptible woman’s psychosocial structure relative to her facility for sexual functioning. For many women one of the most frequent causes for orgasmic dysfunction, either primary or situational, is lack of complete identification with the marital partner.
The situational non-orgasmic state may best be described by again pointing out the varying levels of dominance created by the biophysical and the psychosocial structures of influence. If the woman’s sexual value system reflects sufficiently negative input from prior conditioning (psychosocial influence), she may not be able to adapt sexual expression to the positive stimulus of the particular time, place, or circumstance of her choosing nor develop a responsive reaction to the partner of her choice. If that part of any woman’s sexual value system susceptible to the influence of the bio-physical structure is overwhelmed by a negative input from pain with any attempted coital connection, there rarely will be effective sexual response.
There are a large number of women with significant homosexual experience during their early teenage years, that, in time, have withdrawn from active homophile orientation to live socially heterosexual lives. When they marry, many are committed to orgasmic dysfunction by the prior imprinting of homosexual influence upon their sexual responsivity. Prior homosexual conditioning acts to create a negatively dominant psychosocial influence. Their bio-physical capacity, freely evidenced in homosexual opportunity, continues operant in their electively chosen heterosexual environment, but it may not be sufficient quality to overcome the negative input from their psychosocial system.
Vaginismus is a psycho-sociological syndrome affecting woman’s freedom of sexual response by severely, if not totally, impeding coital function. Interestingly, the syndrome has high percentage of association with primary impotence in the male partner, providing still further clinical evidence to support procedural demand for simultaneous evaluation and treatment of both marital partners when sexual dysfunction within a marital unit is the presenting complaint. If severe vaginismus exists prior to attempted consummation of a marriage, primary of secondary impotence can result from repetitive failures at intromission. an etiological factor frequently encountered in vaginismus that of the influence of channel-visioned religious orthodoxy upon the immature and/or adolescent girl. Secondary impotence resulting from long-denied intromission is not at all uncommon. There are factors of psychosomatic influence that predispose to vaginismus other than those frequently noted categories of channelised religious orthodoxy, male sexual dysfunction, and episodes of sexual trauma.
The term dyspareunia, difficult or painful coitus, has always been presumed to refer to coital distress in women. There are many varieties of dyspareunia, varying from post coital vaginal irritation to severe immobilizing pain with penile thrusting symptomatic definition relating not only to the anatomy of the vaginal barrel but also to the total of the reproductive viscera is in order. Probable the most frequent cause for dysparuenia originating with symptoms of burning, itching, or aching is lack of adequate production of vaginal lubrication with sexual functioning.
From psychosexual point of view, the male over age 50 has to contend with one of the great fallacies of our culture. Every man in this age group is arbitrarily identified by both public and professional alike as sexually impaired. In recent years the younger man’s sexual response cycle has been established with physiological validity and will serve as a baseline for comparison with the physiological variations of ageing. As women age, particularly after termination of their climacteric era, there is obvious delay in development of lubrication when responding to sexual stimulation and in this pattern the ageing female parallels exactly the physiological involution of the ageing male; as such nothing could be far from the truth that the often expressed concept that ageing women, or men, do not maintain a high level of sexual orientation.
Infidelity is the shift in sexual intimacy with the opposite gender outside marriage. Even though in the normal course, it should not affect the marriage as sex alone can not be marriage, this sex addiction tends to affect the frank communication and the sense of potential comfort for the other partner. Sex is the triumph card of security in marriage for a woman, and moreover, communication, sharing and emotional support being the primary expectations for her in marriage, when this infidelity tends to break these primary factors, she undergoes thro’ trauma.
What are the causes of infidelity? Mainly when one partner’s psychological expectations and personal values are not fulfilled on physiological dimension, there is a tendency to shift the intimacy when such a near ideal opportunity is available. In a nutshell, the insatiation in marriage is the main cause for infidelity. Satiation of personal sexual values is a must in every marriage to filter the infidelity not to percolate into marriage. The complete sexual satiation in marriage protects any close intimacy with the opposite gender outside marriage from crossing into sexual. Therefore, sexual satiation in marriage is the prevention of infidelity.
Now discussing about the satiation, most important factor is satisfying one’s personal sexual values and inner sexual desires. Innovation and unusualness are the means to quench the sexual desires and expectations. Some may not come out openly about his expectations and desires due to various reasons, but however the wife should be able to dig and take note of the sexual inner expectations and desires of her husband, and satiate such expectations and desires to his satisfaction.
However, we should be able to distinguish a person going for sexual dimension and going on a sexual dimension. Going for sexual dimension may be for a variety, or change, but going on sexual dimension for intimacy is the danger of diversion of sexual intimacy from wife to another partner; whereas going for sexual dimension without intimacy diverts the person back once it becomes unusual/routine. Therefore, going for sexual intimacy outside marriage is infidelity. Here the wife should be careful to see that her husband’s tendency of going for outside sexual intimacy is curtailed by her own innovative approaches of satisfying his inner sexual expectations completely. For this, it is advised to go thro’ my article on ‘unusualness’.
Now to overcome the insatiation, on psychological side, each partner should have the conscious of one’s duty to satiate the other: it is a must. The factors for conjugal happiness and one’s role to achieve the same should be properly understood and intention should be created to achieve the goal of marital happiness. The will and intention to achieve and knowledge of how to achieve with the support of selfishless adjustability will always, without fail, create the harmonious conjugal happiness in marriage. In this regard, it is important to understand the ‘important factors for conjugal happiness’.
The ‘important factors’ are :- (1) non-intervention of one’s absolute selfishness; (2) equality and mutuality in sex; (3) understanding each other’s needs and, as far as possible and feasible, fulfilling the same; (4) free communication; (5) if any problem arises, understanding it, sorting it out and trying to solve amicably with mutual interest. Now we will see how the terms for happy married life are applicable for the conjugal happiness and, in turn, how the above mentioned factors are helpful for these happiness.
Marriage is a social security for all the individuals, which means that society, thro’ marriage system, provides security of needs and care, thereby its existence and prosperity are secured. Therefore we can conclude that the personal commitment to marriage is a social obligation. Otherwise we can say that marriage is a social commitment: a commitment to society that they will live together and bring up the children thereby paving way for the society to exist and prosper in an automatic systematic way. Therefore, ‘marriage can also be termed as a social commitment of a man and a woman to live together, with trust and understanding, for mutual care (inclusive of sex) and bringing up their children’. From this statement, we can note that the terms for happy married life are: - commitment togetherness, trust, understanding, mutuality, care, and responsibility.
Commitment means sincere commitment to live together as an unit; togetherness paves way for blending of two different characters for a common cause; trust and understanding being the ingredients of necessity for married life, mutuality and care form the purpose of marriage. Responsibility is a fuel to run the married life smoothly and it is an outcome of marriage in the case of bringing up the children; moreover realising and fulfilling one’s responsibility in both the cases indicate the maturity of adult life. In any heterosexuality between husband and wife, or lovers, three vital factors for sexual happiness are intention, action, and satiation. Intention to be happy and make other happy is a commitment, vital factors required for action are togetherness, understanding, trust, mutuality and care; responsibility to keep the other happy, or satiated, is the basic concept of satiation. Therefore, the terms, mentioned in the previous paragraph, for the happy married life, are, once again, the same for the conjugal happiness; otherwise, vice-versa, if the terms for conjugal happiness are fulfilled and extended in the marriage, outside the sex also, the couple will have ever-lasting happy married life.
Now if we study the important factors and compare with the terms of happy married life, we obviously observe that: (1) selfishlessness is the pre-condition for any happiness; (2) equality and free communication pave way for freedom in the approach and to enjoy; (3) understanding and mutuality are possible only with commitment and trust, and both will take care of the most important aspect viz. ‘care’; (4) intention and involvement to solve the problems amicably will eventually lead to responsibility; and in the final analysis we can conclude that the important factors for conjugal happiness are the basic philosophy of the married life.
CHAPTER - VI : INNER PHYSIOLOGICAL PHENOMENA AND REACTIONS DURING HUMAN SEXUAL INTERACTIONS
To understand the human conjugality, it is very important first to understand the anatomy of the other’s sex and biological and physiological functioning of sexual parts of the both. As the marital sex is based on mutuality, unless each understands the anatomy and physiological functioning of their parts, the interactions of which only giving the ultimate conjugal pleasure, they will not be able to satiate each other which is very vital for their marital happiness.
Therefore we will study the functioning of and functioning inside of the private parts of a man and woman during their heterosexual activity. In this aspect we will follow masters and Johnson's who have make an extensive practical study with the technique observing, recording, and measuring during the human heterosexual interactions, and their contribution in this field is the authentic work even today to know in detail what happen when the human male and female response to sexual stimulation.
The human male’s and female’s cycles of sexual response may be divided into 4 separate phases. They are: (1) excitement phase; (2) plateau phase; (3) orgasmic phase and (4) resolution phase. The excitement phase develops from any source of somatogenic or psychogenic stimulation. The stimulative factor is of major important establishing sufficient increment of sexual tension to extend the cycle. If the stimulation remains adequate to individual demand, the intensity of response usually increases rapidly. In the plateau phase sexual tensions are intensified and subsequently reach the extreme level from which the individual ultimately may move to orgasm. The duration of the plateau phase is largely dependent upon the effectiveness of the stimuli employed, combined with the factor of individual drive for culmination of sex tension increment. The orgasmic phase is limited to those few seconds during which the vasoconcentration and myotonia developed from sexual stimuli are released. The involuntary climax is reached at any level that represents maximum sexual tension increment for the particular occasion. Subjective (sensual) awareness of orgasm is pelvic in focus, specifically concentrated in the clitorial body, vagina, and uterus of the female and in the penis, prostate, and seminal vesicles of the male. Total body involvement in the response to sexual tension, although physiologically well defined, is experienced subjectively on the basis of individual reaction patterns. There is great variation in both the intensity and the duration of the female orgasmic experience, while the male tends to follow standard pattern of ejaculatory reaction with less individual variation. The human male and female resolve from the height of their orgasmic expressions into the last or resolution phase of the sexual cycle. This involuntary period of tension less develops on a reverse reaction pattern that returns the individual to an unstimulated state.
Basically one should understand that physiologic responses of the human body to sexual stimulation are two-fold character. The primary reaction to sexual stimuli are widespread vasocongestion and the secondary response is a generalised increase in muscle tension. We are going to study how each private part of female and as well as male is going to respond to the sexual stimulation during each phase; so also what is the general reaction of the vital parts in the body while the person is undergoing through the different phases. Lastly we will compare the similarities and the differences in the reactions between male and female during the sexual act. As a female contains more private parts consisting of sexual and reproductive parts, unless we study the all we will not in a position to understand her needs for satiation. With regard to a woman’s parts to be studied in this subject are: breasts, uretha, rectum, vulva consisting of labia majora, labia minora and clitoris, vagina, and uterus.
Now coming to the first part of a female’s sexual part, i.e. Her breast, a woman’s breast is the main motivating factor for a man during his active sexual performance. Even though her genitals are vital for sexual act, it is her breast which attracts her man to hers. The shape, colour, texture and softness make the mad; he compromises even his ego and self-respect for this. A lot and lot of literatures are written in every language about a woman’s breast. It plays very vital role for a man in romance, petting and during excitement phase. Like sunrise and moonrise the breast rises from bra, or jacket, of a woman motivates him, thrills him and eventually makes him mad to compromise anything at that moment to grab them.
In the excitement phase, nipple erection is the first evidence of the breasts’ response to sex tension increment. Full erection response may increase nipple length by 0.5 – 1.0 cm and base diameter by 0.25 – 0.5 cm over unstimulated measurement. A second physiologic alteration developing during the excitement phase is that of increased definition and extension of the venous patterns of the breasts. As sexual tensions progress toward plateau-phase levels, there is and obvious increase in the actual size of the breasts: this size increment results from the organs’ deep vasocongestive reaction.
Now coming to plateau phase, even though marked areolar engorgement develops late in the excitement phase, the areola become so tumescent with plateau-phase tensions that they impinge upon the erect nipples, creating an illusion that the responding woman partially has lost the nipple erection. This impression is corrected as resolution-phase areolar ditumescence again reveals the erect nipples. However women who have suckled children frequently show a little or no increase in breast size under sex tension influence.
The appearance of sex flush, or otherwise called rashes, on the body indicates the enjoyment of sex by the woman; as a rule the severity of flush reaction may be considered a direct indication of the intensity of the sexual tensions experienced by the responding woman. In fact both intensity and distribution patterns of the sex flush vary among individuals. This maculopapular type of erythematous rash first appears over the epigastrium either late in the excitement or early in the plateau phase of the sexual the sex flush reaches a peak of colour concentration and its widest distribution later in the plateau phase and terminates abruptly with orgasmic experiences.
There is no specific breast reaction to the experience of orgasm. But the rapid disappearance of the sex flush and the simultaneous detumescence of the areola signal advent of the resolution phase. With aerolar detumescence the nipples appear to regain full erection.
Rectum: - voluntary contraction of the external rectal sphinctor together with the gluteal musculature may be employed during both excitement and plateau phases of sexual response. Many women use this stimulative technique when driving for sex tension increment. External rectal shinctor contractions occur most frequently during an orgasm elicited by automanipulation but occasionally have been observed during coition.
Hyperventilation: - hyperventlation develops late in the plateau phase of the female’s sexual cycle, lasts thro’ the entire orgasmic experience, and terminates early in the resolution phase.
Tachycardia: - the heart rate usually is elevated significantly during late plateau and orgasmic phases of the sexual cycle. The highest cardiac rates have been returned during female masturbatory sequences rather than during coition.
Blood pressure: - elevations of pressure of 30 to 80 mmhg have been recorded from female subjects late in plateau or during orgasmic experience. Diastolic pressure elevations are usually in the range of 20 to 40 mmhg. With minimal-intensity orgasmic experience, diastolic pressure readings essentially may be affected.
Perspiratory reaction: - approximately one third of female study subjects display a tendency toward the perspiratory reaction. It appears simultaneously over all body sites in the immediately post orgasmic time sequence and is the first indication of resolution of the superficial vasocongestive response of the skin (sex flush) to effective sexual stimulation.
Vulva: - the female’s external genitalia is called vulva and consists of labia majora, labia minora and the clitoris. Here the labial response patterns will be discussed for both mullipara and multiparaous women. As the sexual tensions rise for the nullipara during the excitement phase, the major labia thin out and flatten against the perineum. There is also a slight deviation of the labia in an upward and outward direction away from the vaginal outlet. This labial flattening and anterolateral elevation of displacement usually are completed late in the excitement phase or soon after plateau phase levels of sexual tension are achieved. For the muliparous women the labia majora become markedly distended with various blood – a two or three ford increase in labial diameter has been demonstrated. There is no flattening or elevation of the swollen labia against the perinium; they hang pendulous and swollen as a partial curtain to the vaginal outlet. There is, however, a slight lateral movement away form the mid-line, so that even the swollen vasocogested major labia of a multiparous woman do not interfere with the normal mounting process.
Labia minora: - when sexual tensions reach plateau-phase the labia minora increases at least two, occasionally three, times the diameter. Vivid colour changes develop in engorged minor labia during the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle. These colour changes may be equated with the parity of the individual. As a rule the darker the colour changes in the minor-labia, the more severe the degree of pelvic and labial varicosity involvement. No pre-menopausal woman has been observed to reach plateau-phase levels of sexual tension, develop the ‘sex skin’ colour changes, and then not experience an orgasm. When the sex-skin reaction develops, the woman has reached plateau-phase levels of physiologic response to sexual tensions. Generally the more brilliant and definitive the colour changes, the more intense the individual’s response to the particular means of sexual stimulation. It should be emphasized that the development of the sex-skin reaction is clinically patognomonic of impending orgasmic phase expression. No woman ever has been observed to attain orgasmic release of sexual tensions without first demonstrating the specific minor-labial colour changes. In essence, the changes in the labia (major and minora) that plateau-phase levels of sexual tension develop result in opening the vaginal out-let by removing the natural anatomic protection from the vaginal orifice.
Clitoris: - the rapidity of clitoral response depends upon whether the stimulative approach is direct or indirect. During breast, or vaginal, stimulation the clitoral response will follow established patterns, and there is a distinct delay in the onset of these patterns as opposed to the rapid reaction developed from direct stimulation of the clitoral body or the most area. During the excitement phase, there is definitive increase in diameter of the shaft which is a constant development regardless of shaft size. Shaft elongation develops only after the normal vasocongestive increase in shaft diameter has been stabilised. Elongation of the shaft has been observed only during direct manipulation of the mons area and not in response to the stimulation of other erotic areas of the body, fantasy, or active coition, shaft elongation is confined to excitement phase levels of sexual response. Now during the plateau phase, clitoral-body retraction develops in relation to mild and effectiveness of sexual stimulation. In resolution phase, after an orgasmic episode the return of the clitoris to normal prudential-overhang positioning occurs within 5 to 10 seconds after cessation of orgasmic platform contractions. Those individuals who achieve plateau-phase levels of sexual response but do not obtain orgasmic-phase release of the accumulated sexual tensions occasionally maintain venous engorgement of both clitoral shaft and glans for a matter of hours after termination f all sexually stimulative activity. When clinical tumescence of the clitoral glans did occur, it developed long after there was obvious production of vaginal lubrication and paralleled a vasocongestive increase in the size of the minor labia. A minimum of a half-hour of exposure to stimulative literature was necessary to produce an observable glans tumescence in any woman. We will now see certain facts about the clitoris during sexual interaction. There has been absolutely no relationship established between the size of the glans and the rapidity and intensity of the individual’s ability to respond to effective sexual stimulation. Sexually responding woman achieves orgasmic levels of sexual tension without regard to variables in the basic anatomy and physiology of the clitoris. The clitoral glans often becomes extremely sensitive touch or pressure immediately after an orgasmic experience, and particular care is taken to avoid direct glans contact when re-stimulation is desired. Mon area manipulation produces a sensual experience that although somewhat slowed to develop from direct clitoral shaft massage.
If there is no psychosocial distraction to repress sexual tensions, may well-adjusted women enjoy a minimum of three or four orgasmic experiences before they reach apparent satiation. Masturbating women concentrating only on their own sexual demands, without the psychic distractions of a coital partner, may enjoy many sequential orgasmic experiences without allowing their sexual tensions to resolve below plateau phase levels. Usually physical exhaustion alone terminates such an active masturbatory session. Once plateau phase clitoral retraction has been established, manipulation of the general mons area is all that is necessary for effective clitoral-body stimulation.
Vagina: - during excitement phase, as sexual tensions rise, a ‘sweating’ phenomenon may be observed developing on the walls of the vaginal barrel. As tensions increase, the droplets collect to form smooth, glistening coats for the entire vaginal barrel. This ‘sweating’ phenomenon provides complete lubrication for the vaginal walls early in the excitement phase of the human female’s sexual response cycle and certainly is the first evidence of the vaginal barrel’s physiologic response to sexual stimulation. In a matter of seconds the sexually responding woman may develop sufficient lubrication for coital readiness. In fact, initially, there is a lengthening and distention of the inner two-thirds of the vaginal barrel. Irregular expansive movements of the vaginal walls may be observed as sexual tensions mount toward the plateau phase. Before termination of the excitement phase, the vaginal barrel is markedly expanded. The walls of the inner two-thirds of the vaginal barrel expand involuntarily and then partially relax in an irregular tensionless manner. Slowly the demand to expand overcomes the tendency to relax and the clinically disbended vaginal barrel of the sexually responding woman is established. In addition to the expansive effect in vaginal fornices, the cervix and corpus are pulled slowly back and up into the false pelvis as sexual tensions mount. In the Master and Johnson’s study, 100 nulliparious study subjects have been measured repeatedly at a 2 cm diameter in the transcervical plane (just anterior to the resting cervix of an anteriorly placed uterus). As sexual tensions mount, transcervical vaginal wall expansion ranges from 5.75 to 6.25 cm. Vaginal length (fourcette to posterior-forne wall) of the unstimulated nulliparous vagina has been recorded as ranging from 7 to 8 cm. During excitement-phase response the vaginal length measurement increases to 9.5 to 10.5 cm. With multiparous individuals the statement still can be supported that regardless of prior degree of vaginal expansion or increase in barrel length, the vaginal will increase significantly in its measurable length, and tanscervical width under effective sexual stimulation. As excitement-phase reactions progress towards plateau there is flattening of the rugal pattern of the well stimulated vaginal wall; this thinning or stretching of the vaginal mucous is obviously a corollary of the involuntary expansion of the inner two-thirds of the vaginal barrel.
During the plateau-phase, the entire outer third of vagina, including the bulbus vestibuli, becomes grossly distended with venous blood. The base of vasocongestion whitish encompasses the entire outer third of the vagina, together with the engorged labia-minora, provides the anatomic foundation for the vagina’s physiologic expression of the orgasmic experience. This area of plateau-phase vasocongestion has been termed the ‘orgasmic platform’. The production of vaginal lubrication reaches its full potential during the excitement phase. The production rate actually slows during the plateau phase, particularly if this level of sexual tension is experienced for an extended period of time.
During orgasmic phase, the specific response of the vaginal barrel to the explosive physiologic entity of orgasm is confined to the orgasmic platform in the outer third of the vagina. This localized area of bulbar vasoconcentration contracts strongly in a regularly recurring patterns during the orgasmic expression. The contractions have onset a 0.8 second intervals and recur within a normal range of a minimum of three to five, upto a maximum of 10 to 15 times with each individual orgasmic experience. The inter conractile intervals lengthen in duration after the first contractions of the orgasmic platform and the measurable intensity of the contractions progressively diminishes. The duration of the orgasmic platform’s recurring contractions and the degree of the contractile excursions vary from woman to woman and within the same individual from one orgasmic experience to the next. These recurrent contractions in the outer third of the vagina are the only physiologic responses of the vaginal barrel that are confirmed entirely to the orgasmic phase of the sexual cycle. At the highest tension levels, the orgasmic platform may respond initially with a spastic contraction lasting 2 to 4 seconds before the muscle spasm gives way to the regularly recurrent 0.8 second contractions described above.
In the resolution-phase, the return of the cervix to the vaginal axis from its elevated position in the pelvis and the co-ordinated collapse of the vaginal fornices frequently take at least 3 to 4 minutes to complete after inorgasmic phase release of sexual tensions. The rapidity and intensity of the response mechanisms of lubrication production, inner-barrel lengthening and expansion, transcervical tenting effect, and vasocongestive development of the orgasmic platform always parallel the degree of sexual tension experienced by the individual. The vagina truly provides a direct physiologic reflection of female psychosexual tensions, as it involuntarily prepares for and then accommodates the act of copulation.
Uterus: - the uterus under the influence of sex tension increment, together with the outer third of the vagina (orgasmic platform) the minor-labia, and the breasts, reacts specifically to effective sexual stimulation by a marked vasocongestive increase in organ fluid content and consequently in organ size. There is no definitive evidence to date to support the concept of an active uterine role in aiding and abetting sperm migration from vaginal disposition sites.
It is current belief that the corpus contraction patterns initiated in response to automanipulative techniques are of greater intensity and duration than those resulting from coitally induced orgasmic experience. Certainly it is subjectively true that study subjects report that usually the experience with orgasm induced by masturbation is more intense than, although not necessarily as satisfying as, that resulting from coition.
Female orgasm: -
Physiologic factors: - the muscles of the neck and the long muscles of the arms and legs usually contract into involuntary spasm. Uterine contractions may have onset almost simultaneously those of the orgasmic platform, but the contractive intensity of the uterine musculature is accumulated slowly and contractions are too irregular in recurrence and duration to allow pattern definition. Physiologic tracings of uterine orgasmic contractions resemble the patterns of first stage of labour contractions. The nipples remain erect and are turgid and quite rigid (the false-erection reaction). Rapid detumescentce of the vasocongested areolae, resulting in a constricted, corrugated appearance, occurs only with orgasm and is an obvious physical manifestation that provides for visual identification of female orgasmic experience. If orgasm does not occur areolar detumescence is much a slower process, corrugation does not develop, and false erection reaction of the nipples usually is reduced in intensity. The sex flush, a maculopapular rash distributed superficially over the body surgaces, achieves its greatest intensity and its widest distribution at the moment of orgasmic expression.
Of interest from both physiologic and psychologic points of view is the recorded evidence of an initial involuntary spasm of the orgasmic platform, developing before the regularly recurring contractions of orgasmic expression. The study subject identified the onset of orgasm and vocalised this subjective experience before the onset of regularly recurrent contractions of the orgasmic platform.
Understandable, the maximum physiologic intensity of orgasmic response subjectively reported or objectively recorded has been achieved by self-regulated mechanical or auto manipulative techniques. The next highest level of erotic intensity has resulted from partner manipulation, again with established or self-regulated methods, and the lowest intensity of target-organ response was achieved during coition. The fundamental physiology of orgasmic response remains the same whether the mode of stimulation is heterosexual or artificial coition or mechanical or auto manipulative stimulation of clitoral area, the breast, or any other selected erogenous zone. The obvious, rapid detumenscence and corrugation of the areolae of the breasts and the definable contractions of the orgasmic platform in the outer third of the vagina remove any doubt as to whether the woman is pretending or experiencing orgasm.
Psychologic factors of orgasm: -
Stage-1: - lasting only an instant, the sensation is accompanied or followed immediately by an isolated thrust of intense sensual awareness, clitorally oriented, but radiating upward into the pelvis. A simultaneous loss of overall sensory acuity has been described as paralleling in degree the intensity and duration of the particular orgasmic episode. Often a feeling of receptive opening is expressed.
Stage-2: - a sensation of ‘suffusion of warmth’ specifically pervading the pelvic area first and then spreading progressively through out the body.
Stage-3: - a feeling of involuntary contraction with a specific focus in the vagina or lower pelvis. The initial phase was expressed as contractile, followed immediately by a throbbing phase, with both sensations experienced as separate entities. The ‘pelvic throbbing’ sensation often was depicted as continuing until it became one with a sense of the pulse or heartbeat. Relative norm of orgasmic intensity and duration is reflected by approximately five to eight vigorous contractions of the orgasmic platform. A level of eight to twelve contractions would be considered by observer and subject to be an intense physiologic experience. As orgasmic expression reflected by contractions usually is reported by the responding female as being a ‘mild experience’ unless the woman is postmenopausal.
In our culture, the human female’s orgasmic attainment never has achieved the undeniable status afforded to the male’s ejaculation.
Now we will turn to male’s sexual response. The human male’s physical evidence of sexual tension develops through out the entire body. Just as with the female, physiologic response to effective sexual stimulation follows the two patterns: first, widespread vasocongestion (superficial and deep) and second, myotonia (generalised and specific).
Sex flush: - the human male develops the same maculopapular sex flush described for the human female. During the refractory period of the male’s resolution phase the sex flush disappears with extreme rapidity. It disappears initially from the shoulders and extremities, secondarily from the diaphragm and anterior chest wall and, finally, from the neck, face and forehead.
Rectum: - the external rectal sphincter contracts irregularly subsequent to direct stimulation in both the excitement and plateau phases of the sexual response cycle. During the ejaculatory experience the sphincter also contracts involuntarily.
Tachyeardia: - the heart-rate of the responding male increases in direct parallel to his rising sexual tensions.
Blood pressure: - elevations in systolic blood pressure ranging from 40 to 100 mm hg have been recorded from male study subjects during coition and automanipulation. Diastolic pressure deviations have ranged from 20 to 50 mmhg.
Perspiratory reaction: - many males evidence an involuntary sweating reaction immediately after ejaculation. Approximately one third of all male study subjects developed the perspiratory reaction.
Penis: - the initial physiologic response of the human male to effective sexual stimulation is erection of the penis. This reaction is the neurophysiologic parallel to the human female’s production of vaginal lubrication.
Excitement phase: - penile erection has been maintained by study subjects for extended periods by carefully controlling variation and intensity of stimulative techniques. Erection has been partially lost and subsequently rapidly regained many times during an intentionally prolonged excitement phase. Penile erection may be impaired easily by the introduction of asexual stimuli, even though sexual stimulation is continued simultaneously.
Plateau phase: - the penis that apparently has achieved full erection during excitement phase undergoes a minor involuntary vasocongestive increase in diameter as the orgasmic (ejaculatory) phase approaches. This additional plateau-phase temuscence is confined primarily to the corona glandis area of the glans penis. Deepening the mottled-reddish purple colour of venous stasis may develop in the glans-penis late in the plateau phase and this pre-ejaculatory colour change, when well established, is reminiscent of the pre-orgasmic discoloration of the minor-labia of the human female.
Orgasmic phase: - the ejaculatory contractions involve the entire length of the penile uretha and force the seminal-fluid content from the prostatic and membranous portions of the uretha to and thro’ the urethal meatus. The seminal fluid is expelled the full length of the penile uretha under severe pressure created by the involuntary but coordinated contractions of these muscle groupings. The inter-contractile intervals of the initial penile contractions have been timed at a rate similar to that of the orgasmic-platform contractions, which develop in the vagina during the female’s orgasmic experience.
Resolution phase: - when an erection is maintained for many minutes, particularly during long-continued intravaginal containment, advance degrees of penile vasocongestion frequently continue after the actual ejaculatory experience.
The penis as an organ of male sensual focus can be related to the functional role of the clitoris in the total of female sexual response. The gross difference between these two organs is that the clitoris serves only in a functional role whereas the penis has both a functioning and a functional capacity.
Penile fallacy: - the delusion that penile size is related to sexual adequacy has been founded in turn upon yet another phallic misconception. Piersol stated that the size of the penis has less constant relation to general physical development than and after detailed examination of the study subject population, Piersol’s contention that there is no relation between man’s skeletal framework and the size of his external genitalia. Although there is little to support the concept that erective size is proportional greater for the larger than the smaller penis, there remains the theoretical concern of the man with the small penis as to his potential coital effectiveness.
Functional role: - the penis serves as a psycho physiologic transformer of sensual stimuli through the proprieoceptively stimulating process of erection. The male’s sexual tensions elevate from late excitement into plateau phase and toward ejaculatory demand as a result of proprioceptive stimuli plus successive contact and pressure stimuli created either buy the thrusting of the engorged penile shaft within the accommodating vaginal barrel or by manual contraction of the penile shaft with manipulative techniques. Both penile containment and thrusting provide stimuli, fundamentally exteroceptive in character, that are transformed through higher cortical centers into those levels of sensual focus that ultimately develop ejaculatory demand.
Male orgasm: -
Physiology of orgasm: - This actual expulsion of seminal-fluid content from the accessory of secondary organs or reproduction (prostate, seminal vesicles, ejaculatory duct, etc) into the prostatic uretha and the progression of the fluid content under pressure through the full length of the penile uretha to the urethal meatus are the physiologic expression of male’s orgasmic experience. The ejaculatory process may be divided physiologically into two separate stages; in which the first stage consists of expulsion of seminal fluid substrate form the accessory organs of reproduction into the prostatic uretha, and the second stage includes the progression of seminal fluid content from the progtatic portion of the uretha through both the membranous and the penile segments of the uretha to the urethal meatus.
Psychology of orgasm: - in the process of stage 1, in the human male a sensation of ejaculatory inevitability prior to, and then parallels in timing sequence, the first stage of ejaculatory process. The subjective experience of inevitability develops as seminal plasma is collecting in the prostatic uretha but before the actual emission of seminal fluid begins. In the process of stage 2, during the second stage of the ejaculatory process, first, a contractile sensation is stimulated by regularly recurring contractions of the sphincter uretha. Secondly, a specific appreciation of fluid volume develops as the seminal plasma is expelled under pressure along the lengthened and distended penile uretha. The larger fluid volume is appreciated subjectively as a more sensually pleasurable sensation than is the lower volume ejaculate. When female study subjects were interrogated in the laboratory after multiorgasmic experiences, the second or third orgasmic episodeusually pleasurable than the first orgasmic episode. When male study subjects were mult iejaculatory in the laboratory, inevitably the first ejaculatory episode was reported as the most satisfying experience. In contrast to the fact that orgasmic experience of the human female can be interrupted by extraneous psych osensory stimuli, the male orgasmic experience, once initiated by contractions of the accessory organs of reproduction, cannot be constrained or delayed until the seminal fluid emission is completed.
Sociological factors: - there has been cultural attempts to control ejaculatory frequency and to direct ejaculatory occasion, but not to repress the ejaculatory process. Th; is one factor of ejaculatory necessity has relieved the male of psycho-social pressures that have been imposed upon the female’s orgasmic experience. Fears of performance in the female have been directed towards orgasmic attainment, while in the male the fears of performance have related toward the attainment and maintenance of penile erection, and orgasmic facility always has been presumed. Cultural concerns for male sexual performance do not focus on orgasmic attainment.
Male and female’s physiologic responses in resolution phase: - the male has an unique refractory period which develops as the last, irregular, nonexpulsive contractions of the penile uretha occur and is maintained until sexual tension in the male has been reduced to low excitement phase levels of response. The female has no such refractory reaction. She generally maintains higher levels of stimulative susceptibility during the immediate post orgasmic period. She usually is capable of return to repeated orgasmic experience without post orgasmic loss of sexual tension below plateau-phase levels of response.
Due to the post orgasmic loss of stimulative susceptibility, the male pelvic viscera tend to lose superficial and deep vasocongestion more rapidly than do those of the human female. Loss of penile erection in the male occurs in two stages. The first stage evidences rapid loss of vasocongestion until the penis is perhaps one to one-and-a-half times enlarged. Second stage penile involution is a slowed response, particularly if the excitement –and/or plateau phase levels of the specific sexual response cycle have been prolonged markedly. If penile erection has been maintained for long intervals before ejaculation, the second-stage involution of penile vasocongestion is usually an extended process.
Loss of testicular vasocongestion and return of the testicles to the depth of the scrotum, together with less of congestion of the scrotal integument and the re-appearance of the scrotal folding pattern, occur parallel in time sequence with the rapid primary involution of penile erection.
The female loses the deep vasocongestion of the orgasmic platform and the superficial sex-skin discoloration of the minor labis more rapidly than any other postorgasmic involutionarly process. Yet these resolution reactions do not occur as rapidly as primary involution of penile erection. Thereafter loss of minor-labia vasocongestion and the return of the walls of the vaginal barrel to unstimulated width and length frequently are extended over many minutes, despite a most satisfying orgasmic experience. The loss of the vaginal barrel's deep vasocongestion is slowed when compared to the rapid loss of scrotal and testicular vasocongestion.
Myotonia in sexual response: - muscle tensions develop in response to sexual stimuli irrespective of the sex of the responding individual. Generally, the degree of muscle tension increment is related to specific levels of sexual tension.
Excitement phase: - total-body response to sex-tension increment is characterized clinically by increasing restlessness, irritability and rapidity of voluntary and involuntary movement. Under the stimulation of sex tension increment, there is gradual transition from the slow stroking or gently holding mannerisms of an initial stimulative approach to a more rapid, forceful, and purposeful muscular movement.
Plateau phase: - increasing to elevated sexual tension levels, the individual frowns, scowls, or grimaces as facial muscles contract involuntarily in semipasm. Evidence of myotonia in the long muscles of the arms at plateau phase levels of sexual tension may express sexual demand. With orgasm imminent, clutching or grasping by the supine coital partner is well-established response pattern. Late in plateau phase, immediately prior to orgasmic expression, the rapid forceful pelvic thrusting of either sex essentially is involuntary in character. With coital onset, the legs of the supine female partner are abducted form the mid-line and may be elevated. Most of the female's structural musculature is involuntary contraction to support both his, and, if necessary portions of his partner's weight during excitement-phase the supportive musculature frequently contracts in semipasm in an essentially involuntary manner.
Orgasmic phase: - since there may by significant subjective loss of conscious focus during an orgasmic experience, muscle strain from severe spastic contractions frequently is not identified at the moment it occurs.
Resolution phase: - in other than target organs, myotonia usually does not resolve as rapidly as superficial or deep vasocongestion.
Sexual response cycle of the human female –extragenital reactions
Excitement phase: - nipple erection; increased definition and extension of venous patterning; increase in breast size; tumescence of areolae.
Plateau phase: - turgidity of nipples; further increase in breast size; marked areolar engorgement.
Orgasmic phase: - no observed changes.
Resolution phase – rapid detumescence of areolae and involution of nipple erection; slower decrease in breast volume and return to normal venous patterning.
Excitement phase: appearance of maculopapular rash late in phase, first over epigastrium, spreading rapidly over breasts.
Plateau phase: well-developed flush; may have widespread body distribution late in phase.
Orgasmic phase: degree of flush parallels intensity of orgasmic experience (est.75% incidence).
Resolution phase: rapid disappearance of flush in reverse order of its appearance.
Excitement phase: voluntary-muscle tension; some evidence of involuntary activity (vaginal wall expansion, tensing of abdominal and intercostal musculature)
Plateau phase: further increase in voluntary and involuntary tension; semispastic contraction of facial, abdominal, and intercostal musculature.
Orgasmic phase: loss of voluntary control, involuntary contractions and spasm of muscle groups.
Resolution phase: myotonia rarely carried more than 5 min. Into phase but not lost as rapidly as many evidences of vasocongestion.
Excitement phase: no observed reaction
Plateau phase: voluntary contraction of rectal sphincter as stimulative technique (inconsistent).
Orgasmic phase: involuntary contractions of rectal sphincter occurring simultaneously with contractions of orgasmic platform.
Resolution phase: no observed changes.
Excitement phase: no observed reaction
Plateau phase: appearance of reaction occurs late in phase.
Orgasmic phase: respiratory rates as high as 40/min: intensity and duration indicative of degree of sexual tension.
Resolution phase: resolves early in phases.
Excitement phase: heart rate increases in direct parallel to rising tension regardless of technique of stimulation
Plateau phase: recorded rates average from 100 to 175 beats per min.
Orgasmic phase: recorded rates range from 110 to 180+ beats per min; higher heart rates reflect more variation in orgasmic intensity for female than for male.
Resolution phase: return to normal.
Excitement phase: elevation occurs in direct parallel to rising tension regardless of technique of stimulation.
Plateau phase: elevation in systolic pressure of 20-60 mm hg diastolic 10-20mm hg.
Orgasmic phase: elevations in systolic pressure of 30-80 mm hg diastolic 20-40 mm hg.
Resolution phase: return to normal
Excitement phase: no observed reaction
Plateau phase: no observed reaction.
Orgasmic phase: no observed reaction.
Resolution phase: appearance of widespread film of perspiration, not related to degree of physical activity.
Excitement phase: tumescent reaction of clitoral glans; vasocongestive increase in diameter of clitoral shaft; shaft elongation.
Plateau phase: withdrawal of clitoral body (shaft and glans) from normal pudendal-overhang positioning and reaction against anterior body of symphysis.
Orgasmic phase: no observed changes.
Resolution phase: return to normal positioning within 5 to 10 sec after cessation of orgasmic-platform contractions; slower detumescence and loss of vasocongestion.
Excitement phase: appearance of vaginal lubrication within 10 to 30 seconds after initiation of any form of sexual stimulation; expansion and distention of vaginal barrel; vaginal wall colour alteration from normal purplish red to darker purplish red of vasocongestion.
Plateau phase: development of orgasmic platform at outer third of vagina; further increase in width and depth of vaginal barrel.
Orgasmic phase: contractions of orgasmic platform starting at 0.8 sec intervals and recurring 5 to 12 times; after first 3 to6 contractions, intercontractile intervals lengthen and contractile intensity diminishes.
Resolution phase: rapid detumescence of orgasmic platform; relaxation of vaginal walls; return to normal colouring (may take as long as 10 to 15 min).
Excitement phase: partial elevation of anteriorly placed uterus; development of corpus irritability.
Plateau phase: full uterine elevation into false pelvis; cervical elevation produces tenting effect in mid vaginal plane; increasing corpus irritability.
Orgasmic phase: corpus contractions beginning in fundus, progressing through midzone, and expiring in loweruterine segment; contractile excursion parallels intensity of orgasmic experience; multipara, est.50% size increase.
Resolution phase: gaping of external cervical os which continues 20 to 30 min; return of elevated uterus to unstimulated resting position in true pelvis; cervical descent into seminal basin.
Excitement phase: nullipara: -flattening, separation and anterolateral elevation of labia away from vaginal outlet;
Multipara: vasocongestion increase in diameter; slight lateral movement away from midline.
Plateau phase: nullipara: labia may become severely engorged with venous blood during prolonged phase.
Multipara: further vasocongestive swelling depending upon degree of varicosity involvement.
Orgasmic phase: no observed reaction both in nullipara and multipara.
Resolution phase: nullipara: return to normal thickness and midline positioning.
Multipara: involution of labial vasocongestion.
Excitement phase: major labial thickening and expansion extending vaginal barrel approximately 1 cm.
Plateau phase: occurrence of vivid colour change ranging from bright red to deep wine colour; this sex-skin reaction pathognomonic of impending orgasm.
Orgasmic phase: no observed reaction.
Resolution phase: colour change from deep or bright red to deep or bright red to light pink within 10 to 15 sec; loss of vasocongestive size increase.
Excitement phases no observed changes.
Plateau phase: secretion of drop or two of mucoid material aiding in lubrication of vaginal outlet during long-maintained coital connection.
Orgasmic phase: no observed changes.
Resolution phase: no observed changes.
Sexual response cycle of the human male – extracenital reactions
Excitement phase: nipple erection (inconsistent and may be delayed until plateau phase)
Plateau phase: nipple erection and turgidity (inconsistent)
Orgasmic phase: no observed changes.
Resolution phase: involution of nipple erection (may be prolonged)
Excitement phase: no observed reaction
Plateau phase: appearance of maculopapular rash late in phase (inconsistent); originates over epigastrium and spreads to anterior chest wall, neck, face, forehead, and occasionally to shoulders and forearms.
Orgasmic phase; well-developed flush; degree parallels intensity of orgasm (est.25% incidence).
Resolution phase: rapid disappearance of flush in reverse order of its appearance.
Excitement phase: voluntary-mucsletension; some evidence of involuntary activity (partial testicular elevation, ensign of abdominal and intercostal musculature).
Plateau phase: further increase in voluntary and involuntary tension; semispastic contraction os facial, abdominal, and intercostal musculature.
Orgasmic phase: loss of voluntary control; involuntary contractions and spasm of muscle groups.
Resolution phase: myotonia rarely carried more when 5min into phase but not lost as rapidly as many evidences of vasocongestion.
Excitement phase: no observed reaction
Plateau phase: voluntary contraction of rectal shinctrer as stimulative technique (inconsistent)
Orgasmic phase: involuntary contractions of rectal shincter at 0.8 sec intervals.
Resolution phase: no observed changes.
Excitement phase: no observed reaction
Plateau phase appearance of reaction occurs late in phase.
Orgasmic phase: respiratory rates as high as 40/min; intensity and duration indicative of degree of sexual tension.
Resolution phase: resolves during refractory period.
Excitement phase: heart rate increases in direct parallel to rising tension regardless of technique of stimulation.
Plateau phase: recorded rates average from 100 to 175 beats per min.
Orgasmic phase: recorded rates range from 110 to 180 beats per min.
Resolution phase: return to normal.
Excitement phase: elevation occurs in direct parallel to rising tension regardless of technique of stimulation
Plateau phase elevations in systolic pressure of 20-80 mm.hg diastolic 10-40 mmhg.
Orgasmic phase: elevations in systolic pressure of 40-100 mmhg diatolic 20-50 mmhg.
Resolution phase: return to normal.
No observed reaction in excitement, plateau and orgasmic phases but in
Resolution phase: involuntary sweating reaction (inconsistent), usually confined to soles of feet and palms of hands.
Excitement phase: rapid occurrence of erection which may be partially lost and subsequently regained during a prolonged phase, or may be easily impaired by the introduction of asexual stimuli.
Plateau phase: increase in penile circumference at coronal ridge; colour change in coronal area (inconsistent)
Orgasmic phase: expulsive contractions of entire length of penile urethra; contractions start at 0.8 sect intervals and after the first 3 to4 are reduced in frequency and in expulsive force; minor contractions continue for several seconds.
Resolution phase: detumescence occurs in to states: (1) rapid loss of vasocongestion until penis is from 1 to 11/2 times enlarged; (2) slower involution to normal state, usually extended process.
Excitement phase: tensing and thickening of scrotal integument; flattening and elevation of scrotal sac.
Plateau phase: no specific reactions.
Orgasmic phase: no specific reactions.
Resolution phase: rapid loss of congested, tense appearance of scrotum and early reappearance of integumental folding, sometimes delayed process.
Excitement phase: partial elevation of both testes toward perineum accomplished by shortening of spermatic cords.
Plateau phase: enlargement of testes to a 50% increase over their unstimulated noncongested state; elevation to a position of close apposition to perineum; full testicular elevation pathognomonic of impending ejaculation
Orgasmic phase: no recorded reaction.
Resolution phase: loss of vasocongestive increase in testicular size and full decent of testes into relaxed scrotum; may occur rapidly or slowly depending upon length of plateau phase.
No observed changes in excitement, plateau and resolution phases, but in
Orgasmic phase: contractions of secondary organs which develop sensation of ejaculatory inevitability and initiate ejaculatory process.
No observed changes in excitement, orgasmic and resolution phases but
Plateau phase: have been suggested as source of preejaculatory emission of 2 or 3 drops of mucoid fluid; timing is essentially same as that of secretory activity of bartholin’s glands in female; active spermatozoa have been observed in this fluid.
CHAPTER-VII : Psychological Complementaries in attitude and approaches between husband and wife
Man and woman are complementary to each other by nature, and, in fact, this is the exact basis for the existence of system of marriage. Therefore, it is very pertinent to understand the natural psychological complementary natures of the opposite sex, so that understanding these natural traits and empathetically adjusting to these different attitudes and approaches, and strange reactions will pave way for sailing by lifeboat smoothly in the ocean of marriage.
In marriage, man requires physiological and psychological care whereas woman requires emotional and sentimental care. For man, woman is a need, and for woman, man is security. Man expects support of physiological and psychological care with personal attention from his woman; and woman expects emotional and sentimental absorption and wants to possess him for protection and security.
For any marriage to thrive, satisfaction becomes primarily important in marriage. We know that oneÂ’s satisfaction is on account of the fulfillment of the oneÂ’s expectations. One forms expectations based on his primary needs and personal values. It may be easier to understand the primary physical needs of oneÂ’s partner in marriage, but it is definitely difficult to understand the primary psychological primary needs of the partner. Usually problems arise in marriage, in spite of love between them, because of not understanding the difference in psychological primary needs between man and woman. Man, or woman, in marriage tries to satisfy oneÂ’s partnerÂ’s psychological needs in the same terms of oneÂ’s own gender, and becomes dismayed to see dissatisfaction of the other in spite of his, or her, best efforts. This sort of frustration which usually happens in marital life can be avoided and satisfaction, satiation and happiness can be made ruling terms in their marriage provided one understands the difference in the psychological needs between man and woman, and try to adapt to the atmosphere in his/her marital life which is different from her/his hitherto brought-up life before oneÂ’s marriage. Therefore, we will start with the different psychological needs between man and woman in marriage.
Men and women generally are aware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful. Practically, both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner. For example, a woman thinks she is being loved when she asks a lot of caring question or expresses concern; this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused. Because if she were offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying. Similarly, men think they are being loved, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say,Â” donÂ’t worry; it is not such a big deal.Â” Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of Â“spaceÂ” to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks Is support makes her feel minimized, unloved, and ignored. When a woman is upset she needs to be heard and understood. Without this insight into different male and female needs, a man doesnÂ’t understand why his attempts to help fail.
Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique emotionally supporting needs that are all equally important. Men primarily need trust acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily need caring, understanding respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous talk of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these twelve different kinds of emotional supports. By reviewing this list you can easily see why your partner may not feel loved. And most important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships with the opposite sex when you donÂ’t know what else to do.
Here are the different kinds of emotional supports for love listed side by side:
Women to receive Men to receive
1) Caring Trust
2) Understanding Acceptance
3) Respect Appreciation
4) Devotion Admiration
5) Validation Approval
6) Reassurance Encouragement
Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love primarily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. What is meant by Â“primary needÂ” is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.
A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love primarily needed by women when his own primary needs are first fulfilled. Likewise, a woman needs trust, acceptance, etc., but before she can truly value and appreciate these kinds of love, her primary needs first must be fulfilled
Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for improving relationships on earth. Remembering that men are different will help you remember and accept that men have different primary love needs. It is easy for a woman to give what she needs and forget that her favourite man may need something else. Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that the kind of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their favourite women.
The most powerful and practical aspect of this new understanding of love is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a man expresses his caring and understanding, a woman automatically begins to reciprocate and return to him the trust and acceptance that he primarily needs. The same thing happens when a woman expresses her trust Â– a man automatically will begin to reciprocate with the caring she needs.
In the following, we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms and reveal their reciprocal nature.
1. She needs caring and he needs trust.
When a man shows interest in a womanÂ’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she becomes more open and receptive.
When a womanÂ’s attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a womanÂ’s reactions reveal a positive belief in her manÂ’s abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs.
2. She needs understanding and he needs acceptance.
When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An understanding attitude doesnÂ’t presume to already know a personaÂ’s thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated. The more a womanÂ’s need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.
When a woman lovingly receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is being favourably received. It does not mean the woman believes he is perfect but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that she trusts him to make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.
3. She needs respect and he needs appreciation.
When a man resends to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritises her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behaviour takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respects, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a womanÂ’s third primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation that he deserves.
When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a manÂ’s efforts and behaviour, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported. When a man is appreciated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more. When a man is appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his partner more.
4.She needs devotion and he needs admiration.
When a man gives priority to a womanÂ’s needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfils her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests-like work, study, and recreation. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life, then quite easily she admires him.
Just as a woman needs to feel a manÂ’s devotion, a man has primary need to feel a womanÂ’s admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may include humour, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, and other so-called old-fashioned virtues. When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.
5.She needs validation and he needs approval.
When a man does not object to or argue with a womanÂ’s feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. A manÂ’s validating attitude confirms a womanÂ’s right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs.
Deep inside, every man wants to be his womanÂ’s hero or knight in shining armour. The signal that he has passed her tents is her approval. A womanÂ’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesnÂ’t always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.
6. She needs reassurance and he needs encouragement.
When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands respects, validates, and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved. A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a womanÂ’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.
Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman. A womanÂ’s encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence in his abilities and character. When a womanÂ’s attitude expresses thrust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs. The best comes out in a man when his six primary love needs are fulfilled. But when a woman doesnÂ’t know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. The story stated in the following paras exemplifies this point.
Keep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armour. More than any thing, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to fit into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesnÂ’t feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring. This is the theme of the story you find below.
Imagine a knight in shining armour traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon; as a result, the princess lovingly receives him. As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the town people. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.
A month later, the noble knight goes off on another trip, on his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon. Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower,Â” donÂ’t use your sword, use this noose, It will work better.Â” She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragonÂ’s neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didnÂ’t really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didnÂ’t use his sword, he doesnÂ’t quite feel worthy of the townÂ’s trust and admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armour; likewise twice on the princess different directions, the knight kills other two dragons, of course without using his armour which is the symbol of his strength, identity and individuality.
A month later, when the knight was going out, the princess advised him to take poison and noose the instruments with which she had asked him to slain the dragon on the two occasions. The knight also carries the things unwillingly. On the way, he hears a shrill voice of a girl trying to escape from a dragon. He goes near the spot and is in confusion whether to follow his princessÂ’s direction of using poison and noose, or to use his armour on his own. With a burst of renewed confidence, he throws the princessÂ’s instruments, and starts fighting with his armour. When eventually, he kills the dragon, he gets a lot of appreciation and acceptance of his valour and his own attempt and success, make him to stay there itself marrying the woman without returning to the princess, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.
Now back to our topic, we shall remember that within every man is a knight in shining armour is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a manÂ’s primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it, so as to affect his own identity, will lessen his confidence or turn him off. If a woman is smarter and more intelligent than her husband, keeping the above story in her mind, she should make her man to take his own decision but in tune with her thinking without his realization of this fact; otherwise, allow him to take his own decision but in the interest of the family/marriage, but without poking her egoism in the affairs so as to the relationship getting spoiled.
In any inter-personal relationship, approach and attitudes are very important; especially, in the marital inter-personal relationship, the approach play very vital role in moulding the impressions and the impressions pave way for developing, or demolishing the marital relationship. Therefore, any positive approach in marriage with taking the natural love-need into consideration will always yield beneficial results.
Back to complementary natures, now we will see the secret of complementary natures. As a man becomes more caring he supports his partner by becoming more trusting. As a woman becomes more trusting she supports a man in becoming more caring. Energy, creativity, and power stem from caring. As a man begins to care more, he discovers new resources of energy and vitality within himself. One of the reasons a man can be so caring, considerate, and concerned in the beginning of a relationship is that a woman looks to him with greater trust, adoration, and admiration during this time. In a sense, her trust gives him the power to be more caring. She draws it out of him. She can trust in the beginning because she has not yet been disappointed by him. This trust empowers him but cannot make him perfect. Because he is human he will inevitably let her down, and she will begin to doubt and mistrust. As she becomes more mistrustful, he becomes more uncaring. A womanÂ’s challenge in relationships is to trust and then, when she is appointed, to be able to appreciate and accept and trust again. Since childhood, little girls have been nurturers and caretakers, while little boys are risk-takers. Just as it is difficult for men to learn to care for others, it is difficult for women to learn to trust. These two primary natures, caring and trust, are in themselves complementary. A woman must be aware of how difficult it is for a man to respond in a caring way when her reactions say to him that he is not being trusted. Likewise, with knowledge of male and female differences it is easier for her to correctly interpret his detached behaviour. She can be more accepting and forgiving of him when he forgets things or doesnÂ’t think of things that would come automatically to her. Men with this understanding are better able to accept a womanÂ’s ongoing need to be reassured. Rather than make her wrong for it, he can realize that this is a very important way he can support her in her personal development and happiness. Rather than complain about what they are not getting, they can begin to focus on what they are not giving their partner; for in giving more, they are much more likely to receive. Every husband should take personal care of his wife; and he should understand her feelings and needs without correcting and fixing.
Understanding and acceptance: over time, as he is able to truly understand her feelings and needs, he can and will make solid changes to build a mutually supportive and empowering relationship as a man learns to Â‘communicate to understandÂ’ rather than to correct or fix, he gradually masters the art of listening; to do this he must realize that she is asking for some validation for being upset. The female gender has an incredible capacity to accept imperfection and incompleteness if their feelings can be fully expressed, heard, and validated. A womanÂ’s acceptance of imperfection can be one of manÂ’s most refreshing experiences. Most men have no idea that they have the power to draw this kind of support from a woman, through learning to cultivate her inner acceptance , a woman ensures that her man will be more motivated and capable of hearing and understanding her. As women learn to accept their men without trying to change them, slowly but surely men will become more understanding of a womanÂ’s unique needs and want to give more; and as men learn to understand women, they will begin to experience the incredible capacity that women have to forgive mistakes and accept a man just as he is.
Respect and appreciation:- to respect a womanÂ’s rights, a man needs to honour her differences. She deserves the right to be imperfect and overreact at times without it being a major offence to him. Respecting her means knowing that she will have her times when she is overwhelmed or confused, and that she deserves his support when that happens. Respecting her rights calls for including her in all decisions that will affect her in some significant way. Respecting a woman involves taking the time to learn her special needs. Respecting a woman also means to support her in fulfilling her dreams and aspirations. Feeling special is one of a womanÂ’s most important needs. Commitment and sexual monogamy are probably the most powerful and basic ways a man respects femininity. In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not feel a compulsion to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel his equal. Appreciating a man means doing all she can to make his life easier in return. When a woman appreciates a man, she desires him sexually and takes time to make herself attractive to him. Ina sense she treats him like a royal guest in her palace. She makes an effort to communicate her feelings and needs before resentment can build up. Appreciation prompts her to let him know that when she is upset or overwhelmed, it is not his fault. Appreciating a man means feeling genuine joy that this man is in her life. An appreciative woman refrains from expressing critical opinions unless her partner asks for this. Appreciating a man calls for actually receiving his support so that she doesnÂ’t become overly tired.
The benefit of loving: - Through learning to cultivate our primary natures, ensure that we are able to give and receive more support in our relationships. When a man is not getting the support he wants, the first question he must ask is how can he be more caring, empathetic; understanding, validating, respectful, considerate, and compassionate. These seven qualities, the rainbow of his primary nature, spring from the three primary qualities of caring, understanding, and respect. It is important to recognize that by developing these traits he is not just being supportive of his female partner; he directly benefits as well. Through expressing and developing these loving qualities, combined with his basic masculine programming, he will become balanced and powerful. A manÂ’s most effective tool to de-stress and find his power is to act, think, or decide with a caring, understanding, and respectful attitude. When a woman practices loving her man with increasing appreciation, acceptance, and trust, not only does he benefit but she directly benefits. Trusting allows her to contact her inner source of power and self-esteem. In trusting, accepting, and appreciating, a woman gains the power to fully enjoy and delight in her life. As she gives love in this most important and difficult way, she begins to express the full spectrum of positive feelings that most fully support a man. They are trust, approval, acceptance, recognition, appreciation, acknowledgement, and admiration. When a woman can feel these attitudes, a man feels graced by her love.
A woman is most fulfilled when her needs are met, while a man is fulfilled primarily through being successful in fulfilling her. In marriage man requires physiological care whereas woman requires emotional and sentimental care. To be very precise, in marriage, for man, woman is a need, and for a woman, man is security. Man expects support of physiological and psychological care with personal attention from his woman; and woman expects emotional and sentimental absorption and wants to possess him for protection and security. If we view the basis for such attitudes of a gender with another gender, we come across the principle: attraction for utilization is the motto of woman folk; and impress to achieve is the goal of manhood in any interaction between the opposite sex not connected by affection. Quite interesting differences with man and woman in their attitudes within marriage are: -
Ř In society point of view, in marriage, the wife is expected to change in tune with his social values; whereas in privacy, in marriage, she tries to change his behaviour.
Ř He can criticize her and advise her in the society point of view; whereas, within marriage she gives unsolicited advice and adopts criticism in privacy.
Ř In stress and tension, man focuses and woman is overwhelmed and expands; whereas in psychological feelings like sex, woman focuses and man expands.
Ř Outside sex, men are motivated when they feel needed and women are motivated when they feel cared for and respected; in sex, men get satisfaction when they are card for and his organ is respected, and women feel motivated when they needed.
When we deal with the basic traits, we find: womanÂ’s thinking is expanding but manÂ’s is purpose-oriented; similarly their respective talking also prevails. A womanÂ’s attitude is empathetic whereas the manÂ’s is self-oriented. WomanÂ’s communication is for sharing whereas the manÂ’s is for solving.
There are basically two kinds of interest: active and receptive. Active interest is what we feel when we have a goal in mind: it motivates action to achieve a goal, thrives on achievement, and comes from a place of desire and confidence. Active interest wants to serve, while receptive interest wants to be served. Receptive interest is what we feel when we are openly considering the value of what is being offered: it is motivated to create opportunities to receive, thrives in response to support, and comes from a place of preference and worthiness. A womanÂ’s receptive interest is the fertile ground where the seed of a manÂ’s interest can grow.
The way a woman makes him feel good is by creating opportunities for him to succeed in truly fulfilling her needs. A man thrives when a woman is receptive to his interest and his attempts to interest, impress, and fulfill her. Her receptivity is her gift to him. Being successful in the pursuit is as much fun for him as it is fun for a woman to feel that someone she likes is trying to make her happy. Flirting is very exciting to men because it compliments their ability to make a woman happy.
How men pursue: - women enjoy it most when a man takes the risk to impress her rather than waiting for her to do something to impress him. Men like to talk about what they do or have done, while women particularly like to talk about settings, relationships, and situations. Men feel most complimented when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated.
How to compliment a woman: - instead of focusing on what a woman does or how she makes him feel, he should ideally focus on finding positive adjectives and nouns to describe her directly. A woman will feel most attracted to a man when he makes his compliments personal and direct, while a man will feel most attracted to a woman when her compliments are less direct and more about how she feels in response to what he has done, thought, decided, or provided. Women will appreciate any sincere compliment, but when a man puts a little more thought into his words she will like it more; the more special the adjective, the more special she feels. The easiest way for him to experience her receptivity and responsiveness is for her to acknowledge and appreciate what he has provided.
Life for men and women: - every man instinctively knows that his success is based on three things: his competence, his ability to let others know how competent he is, and the opportunity to serve. Every woman instinctively knows that her ability to find fulfillment is based on three things: the ability to give love, the demonstration of her ability to have loving relationships, and the opportunity to receive love.
Power of attraction: - The ultimate golden principle of attraction between man and woman is: a man is most attracted to a woman when she makes him feel masculine, in a similar manner, a woman is most attracted to a man when his presence makes her feel feminine. When a woman comes from her manly nature/side, she can certainly make she certainly make a man feel good, but she can never really bring out the best in him. It is only when she takes the time and has the awareness to develop and express her attributes from womanhood that she can bring out the manliness in him. When a woman expresses her feminine radiance she is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of femininity: she is self-assured, receptive, and responsive. When a man expresses his masculine presence he is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of masculinity: he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. It is these three qualities that make a woman most attracted to him. In fact, particularly, when a woman has to be manly at work, it is even more important than ever to come home to a relationship that makes her feel more feminine; this is an additional responsible burden on her husband to make her feel feminine at home.
With regard to turn on her partner, it is pertinent for the woman to give opportunity to win her love; because whenever a woman tries to win a manÂ’s love, she will lose. Winning is the manÂ’s happiness, therefore make your man take initiative and efforts to win your love, and as long as he is making progress in this direction, he is happy.
What makes men to love: - from his perspective, her difference from him makes her very attractive. Through being authentic, she can let her feminine radiance shine and he is drawn to her like a moth to the flame. The second attribute that makes a woman most attractive is receptivity. A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less. When a woman becomes sexual before she is ready, then she has stopped being receptive and becomes accommodating; instead of allowing a man to please her, she tries to please him: in this way she compromises her position. The third attribute that makes a woman most attractive is responsiveness. A man loves a woman with a smile. A man loves to feel he can make a difference. A man is most interested in pursuing a woman when he gets clear messages that he can make her happy. A man judges his success in a relationship by the positive responses that he gets. When she is not pleased she can simply give a zero response. The absence of a positive response will be a clear message to a man that he didnÂ’t succeed.
Now turn-off: - a man thrives when he feels that he does not have to give, but that he chooses to give; he wants to give because he cares and it makes a woman so happy, not because he owes her. Therefore expectations are a turnoff. Accepting a man while disagreeing with him makes him feel free to be different. In return, he will become very interested and give her the respect she deserves, acknowledging that she is unique and different. Having positive and open attitude about our differences causes men and women to be more attractive to each other.
Woman loves man with a plan: - what makes a man most attractive to a woman is his ability to make her feel like a woman. When a man makes a woman feel feminine, her femininity is actually awakened, switched on, or, as we commonly say, turned on. When a woman is turned on by a manÂ’s presence, it brings out the best in her and as a result she is attracted to him. What allows a man to bring out the best in a woman can be summarized on one expression: masculine presence. She is most attracted to him when he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. These three attributes make a woman feel more self-assured, receptive, and responsive to him. A woman can sense when a man is confident. She automatically begins to relax and feel assured that she will get what she needs. Confidence is a can-do attitude. A confident attitude reassures a woman that everything will be all right. Women love a man with a plan. A woman doesnÂ’t like it when a man is too dependent on her for direction. So also a man with a purpose is most attractive to a woman. Similarly, woman loves a man with future. In a relationship a manÂ’s purpose is to provide support for the woman and receive her love in return. Moreover, when a man does what he says he will do, he automatically expresses a sense of responsibility, he radiates a sense of confidence that he will do what he sets out to do. When a man is responsible, it says he cares, and that is what women are most hungry for. A woman begins to feel responsible for doing everything for everyone. Her way of getting relief is to share these feelings with someone she loves. If she can share, something happens inside her and she doesnÂ’t feel so responsible. It is as if she sees all possible problems and unless she tells someone, she feels it is all up to her.
Having gone through the needs and the difference in needs between man and woman, now we will turn our attention on the primary differences between men and women.
Women expand and men contract: - a womanÂ’s greatest challenge in a relationship is to maintain her sense of self while she is expanding to serve the needs of others. In a complementary way, a manÂ’s biggest difficulty is to overcome his tendency to be self-absorbed and self-centered. This explains why men are often frustrated in communicating with women. Women are apt to expand with a topic, while men want them to get to the point. For women, sharing is a potent process of self-discovery. A man who understands this difference is able to nurture and support a woman through non-judgmental listening.
Automatic focusing is an example of the masculine, centripetal force. It restricts or contracts awareness in order to increase focus. A woman falsely assumes that if a man loves her, he will expand, which is her normal reaction. She needs to understand that the way a man reacts has to do with his inherent balance of masculine and feminine forces, and is not a measure of his love. A woman who understands this will not feel so resentful when a man ignores her, but will apply skills to get his attention when she needs it. Just as a man under stress appears ungiving or uncaring because he contracts, a woman appears unreceptive or unsupportable because she expands. To find greater balance within ourselves, we are naturally attracted to those qualities and characteristics that complement or balance what we have already developed. This is one of the secrets in understanding the chemistry of attraction between men and women. By loving and respecting our differences we ourselves gain balance.
Through loving her, he discovers within himself his own feminine qualities; and as she loves him, her masculine qualities begin to be felt. This paradox is integral to any loving and passionate relationship. But through our inner potential to be like them we are able tolerate and have the possibility of intimacy, communication, and closeness. Without some differences there can be no relating; without some similarities there can be no joining. When the independent type f woman begins a relationship with a sensitive man, after some time he suppressed female side begins to emerge. To whatever extent she has rejected her female side she will tend to reject her partner. She may begin to fee, Â“I need a real man,Â” when in fact she needs to accept and develop her own female side, which he has already developed.
Macho man: - generally, a macho man is drawn to a woman because she reflects parts of his undeveloped feminine side. His loving union with her facilitates the emergence of his own feminine side. To whatever extent his past conditioning has rejected his own feminine qualities, as they begin to emerge he will begin to reject her. This inner resistance to his emerging feminine side is happening unconsciously. To overcome his inner resistance, the macho man needs to practice: respecting feminine qualities, values, and needs. Learning to listen to women with respect, caring, and understanding, and then patiently learning to accept his own feelings will help him to overcome the occasional resistance produced by early childhood conditioning. Compassion and empathy for women and children will emerge as he takes the time to understand what women rally feel. He may even need to do some healing with his mother. Remember, before judging a woman he should try walking a mile in her high-heel shoes
Martyr woman: - in adulthood when she loves a man, her masculine side will begin to emerge. All of the negative judgments toward her own masculinity get projected onto her partner. To overcome her inner resistance, the martyr woman needs to proactive being autonomous and assertive. She needs, above all, to practice asking for support, and to gibe up expecting men to anticipate her needs just as she does for them she needs to honour and heal the repressed feelings of anger and resentment stored up from her past. She generally needs to do some healing with her father.
Sensitive man; -as this sensitive type man gets closer to a woman, his repressed masculine qualities begin to emerge into consciousness. When a man has repressed his masculinity, he is generally attracted to women who have already developed those qualities. Again the union of opposites creates passion, but as his male energies begin to emerge a shift takes place. Due to negative conditioning surrounding masculinity, aggression, assertiveness, power, etc., he will begin to experience an inner resistance. This resistance gets projected onto his partner. He should rely less on his feelings and more on his mind to make decisions. To strengthen his masculinity, the sensitive man can do more things with men, hang out with men, see action movies, or participate in some competitive sport.
Independent woman: - through persistent sharing of her feminine feelings she will overcome her shame and embarrassment around being feminine, and learn to respect her feminine qualities as she already values her masculine side.
A relationship that sustains the magic of love is one in which we donÂ’t try to change the other nor deny ourselves. Through understanding our complementary differences we realize the tendency to mould our partners into our own image. We are also able to accept and appreciate our own uniqueness without judgment, shame, or guilt. A relationship blossoms, and attraction is sustained when we can both support our partners in being themselves and create support for being ourselves. Just as we must learn how to give support according to our partnersÂ’ unique needs, we must also learn how to receive support without giving up who we are. Learning to appreciate and respect our differences is essential if we are to have mutually supportive relationships. It is this growing love and respect of our differences that supports us through the inevitable periods of resistance, resentment, and rejection.
While dealing with the primary differences, now we will see how men and women see the world differently.
Â‘Feminine open awarenessÂ’ perceives how we are interrelated; women naturally take a greater interest in love, relationships, communication sharing Cupertino, intuition, harmony. Likewise, because Â‘masculine focused awarenessÂ’Â’ perceives how parts make up a whole, men have a greater interest in producing results, achieving goals, power, competition, work, logic, and efficiency. WomanÂ’s thinking is expanding but manÂ’s is purpose oriented, similarly their respective talk is also so. To understand this theory of difference of expanding and focusing between woman and man clearly, we will see two examples below.
Purse and wallet: - Contrasts in how men and women confront the world are most visually apparent when we compare a womanÂ’s purse with a manÂ’s wallet. Women carry large, heavy bags, while men carry lightweight, plain black or brown wallets that are designed to carry only the bare essentials. One can never be too sure what one will find when looking into a womanÂ’s purpose; she has everything she could need and carries it with her wherever she goes. To a woman, her purse is her security blanket, a trusted friend, and an important part of her self. Ironically, when she is being escorted to a grand ball she will leave this purse at home; she feels so special and so supported that she doesnÂ’t need the security of her purse.
Entering room: - men and women will tend to enter a room differently. A man will walk into the room, pick a spot, move to it, then look out to one thing, then another, and yet another, until he gradually builds a picture of his environment. His innate tendency will be to first focus, and then expand and open. Whereas a woman, in contrast, will walk into the same room and in a quick glance, notice lots of things almost simultaneously. In a sense, she will take in the entire room before she is concerned about where her spot will be. Then, when she has a picture of the whole environment, she will find a spot in which to settle.
Misinterpreting a womanÂ’s overwhelm: - because women have open awareness, they are more easily overwhelmed by the needs of others. Men need to understand that when women are overwhelmed they are not necessarily trying to accuse or blame; they are just trying to talk about their problems to order to feel better. Instead, attempt to fix her only makes matters worse.
Feeling better differently: - women undergoing stress feel better by talking about their problems and being heard, while men feel better by prioritizing their problems, focusing on one, and then developing a plan of action or a solution.
How she offends him: - just as well-intentioned men mistakenly try to Â‘fixÂ’ women, women tend to misguidedly Â‘improveÂ’ men at those times when a man talks about what is bothering him.
Men need solutions, women need to share: - men instinctively look for solutions. When a man has a problem, the first thing he does is to go to his Â‘caveÂ’ and try to find a solution on his own. When a woman is upset, her first need is for it be ok to be upset for a while. She needs him to listen to her feelings without trying to fix her. Through sharing her problems in a nonfocused way. She will naturally feel better. Hr feeling of overwhelm will diminish even if all the problems remain unsolved. A man can relax when a woman is sharing. Instead of feeling responsible for solving all her problems, he can simply focus on solving one problem he can fulfill her need for a fully focused listener, which well help him to feel better even if none of her problems are solved.
Men prioritise in the context of achieving their goals, while women prioritise according to the importance of their relationships. Women need to be reassured again and again that they are loved and special. Both partners are equally responsible for creating a good relationship. However, their roles are different. She should remember that he is more easily distracted from relationship needs by the demands of his work. For relationships to work, women need to aware of this male vulnerability, recognize the importance of good communication skills, and persist in communicating their needs and wishes. They must be willing to ask for support Â– and continue to ask. A manÂ’s major responsibility is to counteract his tendency to be overly focused and strive to be caring, respectful, and committed to understanding his partnerÂ’s feelings and needs, while maintaining his masculine sense of self. To enrich the relationship, a womanÂ’s major responsibility is to share her feelings, thoughts, and needs without secretly harboring resentments, but with a loving, accepting, trusting, and appreciative attitude. She also must not expect him to meet all her needs, creating instead many avenues of fulfillment in her life.
Making decisions: - because women are more relationship-oriented, they tend to include others in the decision-making process. Before a decision is made, they talk with others, including everyone affected by the decision, and then finally they reach a conclusion together. In contrast, men first make a decision on their own, and then are open to changing it according to feedback from others. First a man makes his decision privately in his Â“caveÂ”, and then he checks it out with others. If his first conclusion is not accepted, then it is back to the drawing board. Without a true understanding of these different decision-making styles, conflict, confusion, and resentment are sure to follow.
Forming opinions: - similar to the decision-making process, men and women form and express opinions differently. Her style of expression reveals that she is open to seeing the value or truth in other points in other points of view. A quickly forms an opinion or conclusion based on what he already knows; then he tests it out by proclaiming it as if he were absolutely certain. Through experiencing various reactions to his opinion, he then reassesses its accuracy. Through understanding our differing styles we can respect and integrate them both. By forming opinions and then making decisions, truly balanced men and women understand the creative value of openly sharing thoughts and feelings, yet they also respect the value of self-reflection and thinking a problem over before seeking input from others. The intention to be open to and respectful of our partnerÂ’s style of reasoning is very helpful to avoid conflict.
Living in the promise: - Open awareness is capable of recognizing the potential of someone or of a situation. When a woman is too open she can fall in love with a manÂ’s potential. If she lacks focus, she will react today to things she expects to happen in the future. Men need to feel loved and accepted the way they are before they can change. Being accepted Â‘as one isÂ’ does not mean being accepted Â‘as one will beÂ’. No man can grow and realize his potential with a woman unless she is real. When a woman lives in the promise, she behaves to her partner as if she is getting her dreams fulfilled. On an unconscious level, she is becoming increasingly dissatisfied, frustrated, and disappointed. Just as women can live in the future, men can live in the past. A man may make his partner happy once and then expect her to stay fulfilled. Man do something nice and they imagine women will be happy forever. Like an ostrich that buries its head in the sand, men bury themselves in work and donÂ’t acknowledge that there are problems in their love life. Like women, men can also live in the future. When they are richer and more successful, they imagine, they and their mares will be happy and fulfilled.
Self-blame versus blaming others: - Another common difference between men and women is that women tend to blame themselves first while men first blame others. Focused awareness sees problems as obstacles to achieving a particular outcome or goal. For this focused perspective, any obstruction is perceived first with blame. On the other hand, open awareness sees problems in a larger context Â– as outcomes that need to be corrected. From this perspective, a woman is quick to see all the possible ways she could have done something differently in order to have produced a different outcome. Thus she easily feels responsible and accepts blame.
Of late, the pressure of stress in the present human society is on the increase. Therefore it has become pertinent to study the difference in approach and reaction to stress between man and woman. Basically, by changing the outside objective world, the masculine nature attempts to reduce stress; and by changing herself, the feminine psyche attempts to reduce stress. When undesirable things happen to him, to maintain his control he needs to analyse objectively how his actions are responsible for what happened and realize what he can do to change things. His objectivity can then be put to determining what he can do to solve the problem. In summary, under stress a man needs time and space to find objective solutions (positive behaviour), and a woman needs time and attention to find her subjective solutions (positive attitudes). When they are unable to give themselves the support they need, they run the risk of being possessed by their dark sides.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in out relationships.
The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be; at such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he powerless to release it. However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave; to get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. To expect a man who is his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a womanÂ’s feelings to always be rational and logical. A woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him. To increase co-operation both men and women need to understand each other better. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels he is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.
A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. He does not realize that she if talking to feel better. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems les upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr. fix-it hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. Aster offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. When she doesnÂ’t feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesnÂ’t have to solve any of them it can help him to relax and listen. As men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that listening can be a excellent way to forget the problems of his as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner.
Destructive and positive emotions and their consequences: - When a man reacts to stress from his feminine emotional side he tends to lose his positive attitudes. When a man experiences his negative emotions and has lost his objectivity, his emotions become mean, threatening, and unloving. A woman, on the other hand, doesnÂ’t necessarily lose her positive feelings when she becomes angry. She has a greater ability to feel angry while maintaining a caring and respect for the other person. For woman, approach through emotions and sentiments are positive but otherwise negative. For men, approach through resolving is positive but otherwise negative. A man who does not honour and support his objective reactions automatically experiences negative and destructive emotions. A woman who doesnÂ’t honour and support her subjective reactions becomes rigid and opionated in her thinking. As long as a woman is in touch with her positive feelings and attitudes, her thinking will be clear and flexible. As long as a manÂ’ thinking and attitudes are positive, his feelings will be loving and supportive. When men lose their objectivity, they move into their dark side; women move to their dark side when they lose their subjectivity. A womanÂ’s attitude is empathetic, whereas the manÂ’s is self-centered. So also, womanÂ’s communication is for sharing whereas the manÂ’s is for solving.
How woman and man changes: - To cope with stress, being subjective in nature, she changes herself through sharing and expressing her feelings, thoughts, and wishes without being invalidated. To do this she needs to be heard with caring, understanding, and respect. But, if she keeps her feelings to herself, she will be consumed by trying to adjust her behaviour and speech to win the love of others. From this place of seeking to earn love, she will try to change others to get the love she needs, but deep inside she is hiding a storehouse of resentment, mistrust, and dissatisfaction. These negative feelings weaken her identity and her relationships. WomanÂ’s self-awareness is the basic ingredient enabling women to change, objective awareness is necessary for a man to change. A man feels compelled to change when he feels appreciated and accepted, but also recognizes that he is not creating the desired result and that he is responsible. In brief, a woman changes for sentiments and man changes for better results, or recognition.
How women and men go out of balance: - after she has sacrificed or surrendered her position repeatedly, she will begin to feel resentful that he is not doing the same. Now, on a less conscious level, she will begin to try to change her partner. All communication at this point becomes somewhat manipulative and very distasteful to him. He will inevitable reject her or rebel. If she remains resentful or uncentered for long, she will inevitably become more manipulative or controlling. In a complementary way, his instinctive strategy is to change the object: if she is unhappy, then he tries to make her happy by fulfilling her needs. If, however, he begins to feel that he cannot make a difference, he goes out of balance, becomes more subjective, and his attitude changes. As a result, he becomes weak, moody, insecure, and passive. It is hard for him to shake off his negative mood when he has lost his objectivity.
Now we will see how man and woman ought to give and receive emotional support. When the physical needs for survival and security are generally fulfilled, relationships take on a new orientation; the emotional needs take precedence. When a relationship undergoes the shift from being physically based to being emotionally oriented, a couple needs to know it is inevitable that new problems will come up. The old ways of relating to each other will not be satisfactory or fulfilling. Because women are generally more conscious of their emotional needs, the woman is first to experience a lack of fulfillment. He thinks that having achieved financial property, he has completed his job. These new problems cannot be avoided. If the two understand and accept that this is inevitable, then they will not be as resentful of each other. They will not question the relationship; instead they will question their old styles of relating and communicating. Rather than changing partners, they can focus their energies on improving their abilities to give and receive emotional support.
Now coming to an another dimension of marriage, viz. sex, even though we already dealt with this topic in detail let us review the difference in their attitude and approaches in sex in brief. The alchemy of great sex generates chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment of oneÂ’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health. In his book, Â‘the power of fiveÂ’, Harold Bloomfield, M.D., reveals that regular sex a vital for maintaining higher estrogen levels in women. Higher estrogen has been associated with better bones, better cardiovascular health, and a feeling of joy in life. Men who experience regular sex have higher testosterone level, which leads to greater confidence, vitality, strength, and energy.
Different chemistry: - The hormones in a manÂ’s body that are responsible for arousal quickly build up and then are quickly released after orgasm. For a woman, the pleasure builds up much more slowly and remains long after orgasm. For example, when a man returns home from a trip, he might want to have sex immediately, while his wife wants to take some time to get reacquainted and talk; without an understanding of this difference, it would be very easy for him to feel unnecessarily rejected or for her to feel used.
Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love. Through sex, a manÂ’s heart begins to open up. Through sex, a man can give and receive love the most. When a woman begins to understand this whole perspective on sex. Instead of a manÂ’s desire for sex being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his way of eventually finding love.
Why women donÂ’t understand: - A woman primarily needs the emotional security. When she feels supported in a relationship, she can rediscover the love in her heart. When her emotional needs are met in this way, her sexual needs become more important.
What men need: - When a woman is longing to have sex with a man, she is most open and trusting. In a very dramatic way, she is willing to surrender her defences and not only reveal her nakedness, but bring him into her body and being ads well. By desiring a man in this way, she makes him feel very accepted. Then, when his every touch creates a pleasurable response, he feels greatly appreciated. Though touching her softens and entering the warmth of her loving body, he is able to remain hard and masculine but also experience his own softness and warmth.
How sex is different for men and women: - A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. The great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build-up of tension for woman the more a man in his daily life is disconnected from his feelings, the more he will crave sexual stimulation and release. A manÂ’s persistent sexual longing is really his soul seeking wholeness. The barren landscape of living only in his mind seeks union with the rich, sensuous, colourful, and sweet-smelling terrain of his heart. As his penis is momentarily held and massaged on all sides by her warm and wet vagina, his whole being is nourished. A man is free to feel when he has achieved his goal. When his male side has done its work successfully, he swings over to his female side and fully feels. The more a woman is focused throughout her day on caring for and giving to others, the less aware she is of herself and her own sensual desires. When a man focuses on a woman in a caring and attentive way, he frees her to experience herself again. When a woman feels temporarily relieved of her pressure to care for others, she can begin to feel her sexual desires. A manÂ’s romantic attention to details designed to please her automatically begins to open her up.
Slow, rhythmic, and unpredictable physical touching, stroking, and rubbing of the non erogenous zones gradually awaken a more intense longing to be touched in her erogenous zones; whereas, a skilful female lover directly stimulates a manÂ’s most sensitive and erogenous area, his penis and testicles. As these areas are stimulated, the rest of his body gradually wakes up and wants to be touched, licked and stimulated as well.
Men tend to measure their success in sex by a womanÂ’s orgasm. For sex to be memorable from both the male and female perspectives, the woman needs to be fulfilled. A woman who has difficulty opening up in sex begins to open up when she doesnÂ’t feel the pressure to have an orgasm.
One of the simplest and most powerful ways to rekindle passion is to get away from the routine and familiar. To re-ignite the passion and to feel like a beautiful and loved woman, she needs to get away from the daily responsibilities and routine. A man needs to remember that sometimes before a woman can feel romantic, she needs to talk. A woman directly benefits from the process of exploring what she wants. This helps her understand her likes, wishes, and desires, and directly prepares her for experiencing intense sexual passion and desire.
The main principle in sex, we have to understand, is: man, by nature, is active hence expects recognition, and woman, by nature, is receptive hence expects care; in sex, activity requires materials, hence man is motivated by physical, whereas receptivity requires care and understanding hence woman is motivated by care, security and understanding.
Sex is the core of man-woman relationship, especially in marriage. Even though care is common factor for the both, his priority is materialistic care whereas hers is emotional care. In general, materialistic need is the priority to man but whereas the priority is security for women. For man first physiological needs are to be satisfied in sex, then he turns to emotional needs; whereas for woman first emotional needs are to be satisfied, then only she turns to physiological needs. Man is hard and rough in the beginning of sex and after his satisfaction, he becomes soft, whereas woman is soft in the beginning and after her satisfaction (not satiation), she becomes hard in sex (e.g. after getting satiated throÂ’ soft chats and satisfying emotional needs, the urge starts afterwards making breast bigger, nipple hard, vulva thicker, etc). That means man feels his own feminine after his maleÂ’s is satiated; and woman feels her own masculine after her femaleÂ’s is satisfied. Woman enjoys communication whereas man enjoys action. That means, when a man is probing her body during the foreplay, she can communicate to him the positive aspects thereby both enjoy each otherÂ’s company in their own natural way; however the man should impress upon her about his listening whereas she should co-operate with his for his probing the way he likes.
Having maintained her private parts sacred, when she opens-up for him it indicates Â‘trustÂ’ which fulfills his priority need. So also when he deals with her to satisfy her, it indicates his care for her, which is the priority need for her. In nudity opening her hands and accepting him to her body indicates her Â‘acceptanceÂ’ which is an another fulfillment of his basic need,Â’ acceptanceÂ’. Similarly, in the fore-play, or just before for sex, when the man listens to her attentively and during the foreplay when he attends to her emotional needs in order to raise her to the sexual plane, she is fulfilled with her basic love need, viz. Â‘understandingÂ’. His absolute attention in dealing with her physical needs indicates devotion whereas her handling his erotic zone impresses the Â‘admirationÂ’ factor in his mind. Her positive response to his action indicates Â‘appreciationÂ’ for him whereas attending to her needs to her satisfaction allowing her to enjoy her own feelings indicate his Â‘respectÂ’ to her feelings. Every time, taking care of her emotional needs during sex indicates Â‘reassuranceÂ’ of his love to her whereas her participation and positive reactions give Â‘encouragement Â’for him. Her involvement gives her Â‘approvalÂ’ whereas his Â‘validatingÂ’ her personal sexual values makes her more womanly which is vital for sex.
Before returning back to our topic, here we will just go through a partial list of gender roles and stereotypes for man and women under the OLD PARADIGM. They are: -
o Rational emotional
o Tough delicate and tender
o Dominant submissive
o Strong weak
o Aggressive tame and docile
o Competitive co-operative
o Brave timid
o Contemplative, reserved talkative
o Achiever complacent
o Just compassionate
o Assertive retiring
o Patience impulsive
o Wise premature
o Bread-winner home-keeper
o Active, no nonsense passive and sweet
o Mathematical verbal
o Physical non-physical
o Hunting, working cooking, serving
Freud was of the opinion when he said anatomy determines destiny, in a reference to the different roles of men and women.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. When he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he empowered and has more to give. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.
Men have a win/lose philosophy Â– I want to win, and I donÂ’t care if you lose. Most of the men attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationship. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win. So also, when a man is in love, he begins to care about another as much as himself. Given the opportunity to prove his potential a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways. A major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed. To become motivate again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
When a woman loves a man: - most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men donÂ’t realize this because their male instincts tell them itÂ’s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or is he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mould herself to fulfill her partnerÂ’s needs. Ina manÂ’s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others. As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can better serve and respect others. As a man matures he also learns new strategies for giving but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.
Giving-up blame: - when a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. In both cases, blaming does not work. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partner. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she doesnÂ’t ask for it, listen to her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares. Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partnerÂ’s imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesnÂ’t offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.
Learning to receive: - if as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. Â‘NeedingÂ’ is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. Â‘NeedinessÂ’, however, is desperately needing support because you do not trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.
Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. Man requires physiological and psychological care whereas woman requires emotional and sentimental care. For man, woman is a need; for woman, man is a security.
Speaking different languages: - men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same works. Because many men donÂ’t understand that women express feeling differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partnerÂ’s feelings. This leads to arguments. Men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. But men process information very differently. They first formulate it inside and then express it. Women need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his cave to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave. When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she listening and that she cares. Without these reassuring responses, a manÂ’s silence can be very threatening. Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react. It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Man wants him to be trusted by his woman and woman wants her to be cared by her man. WomanÂ’s patience, support (without advice) and care (to his needs) will help him during his cave period. A man wants his favourite woman to trust that he can handle what is bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honour, pride, and self-esteem. When a man goes into his cave he generally tries to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives hem more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.
How to approach a man with criticism or advice: - in addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity. A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. While men want to be trusted, women want caring. It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hats to be pitied.
Many men donÂ’t understand that she needs to share upset feelings with the people they love. However, with practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their feelings without having them sound like blaming. A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner. She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesnÂ’t make him feel attacked, accused, or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference. Appreciation, request for change, and acceptance in her communication will in the long run pave way for changes in him. Listening, sharing and caring from him will help in satisfaction for her. Care and assurance in his communication will yield better results with her.
Relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of peopleÂ’s innate differences. When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it. Generally the perception of wifeÂ’s blaming husband indicates only her stress/upset. Once she comes out of her stress/upset, she will become normal.
There are certain unexpected and sudden different volatile attitudes of men and women in which men are unable to understand this sudden change in her attitude and so also women are unable to understand this sudden change in his attitude. Now we will analyse the reasons for the sudden change and the nature of volatility.
Men are like Rubber Bands: - he may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own. A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. When a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with a lot of power and spring. This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If she doesnÂ’t understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away. What she doesnÂ’t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfils his need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate again. From self, man stretches to love and any sensation of losing Â‘selfÂ’ in the affair will make him to come back to self and only her patience and taking care of him with due respect for his self will make him to come back to love earlier. To certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to re-establish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous. When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away, after some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk. There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partnerÂ’s natural intimacy cycle. They are: - (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away. Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women. Some men feel guilty needing to spend time in their caves or they may get confused when they start to pull away and then later spring back. They may mistakenly think something is wrong with them. It is such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men. Even generally, the more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist. If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, after being appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the value of talking. When a man feels appreciated for listening, he will gradually begin to open up, but first he needs to feel accepted.
Women are like waves: - A womanÂ’s self-esteem rises and falls like a wave, when she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning. A womanÂ’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love.
In a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldnÂ’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathise with what she is going through. When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. She is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved. When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the Â“wellÂ”.
When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface, these issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. When a woman doesnÂ’t feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking or over care- taking. When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time. Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience pre-menstrual syndrome. There is a strong correlation between pms and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. One study revealed that a womanÂ’s self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five day. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but as per one study it is about the same. A womanÂ’s self-esteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but is does average out at twenty-eight days. It is important to recognise that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a womanÂ’s competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs. Generally, her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were projected onto husband. During wave the woman undergoes through irritation, and if she tries to suppress, comes throÂ’ positive actions, or with pms subjects her unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness, helplessness, is projected on her husband. When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, the three steps for supporting her when he needs to pull away: - (1) the first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give; (2) next, you need to understand that she needs more that you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid; (3) although you canÂ’t give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then youÂ’ll be able to give her the support she deserves. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash. Lastly, without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives, by remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.
Men and women fight because: men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding; and this can be resolved: by supporting her need to be heard, she could support his need to be free. Moreover, as a womanÂ’s financial needs are fulfilled, she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.
Therefore, if one understands the natural psychological differences of oneÂ’s marital partner, it will be easier for the partner to handle any unexpected, irrational and irritational situations in the marital relationship. One has to understand the difference in the nature of close relationship between in family and in marriage, so that one can adapt to the new environment of this unique intimate relationship in marriage. Moreover, having the knowledge of the natural differences in approaches and attitudes between man and woman, one can understand and deal with the other partner with ease in such a way that the interaction should yield, as far as possible, happiness to the both, or minimum satisfaction, or at least not creating dissatisfaction. In every interaction in marriage, the happiness of their unit should be the priority in the minds of both the partners.