Letters from the consumer

Number One

I have recently visited your establishment on Sixth Street in Champaign, IL. I can safely say that I was sorely disappointed with my visit. Why? Well, I will tell you why you little shitmouth prick. Your food tasted like my grandmother cooked up her seventeen year old Black Lab after basting him in her own special mixture of Cayenne pepper and liquefied Mexican cat. What the hell are you thinking? I have a right mind to come over to your little adobe house and proceed to stick my dick in your ear. You fuck. You stupid little fuck. Mexican food? That food rapes Cinco de Mayo up the ass. That volatile substance that you call food gave me enough gastrointestinal problems to fill a baby pool with your runny, half-digested slop. I hope that you are happy, you son-of-a-bitch.

Number Two

Dear Mr. IHOP,

How can you deny me my Children’s Chicken Strips? I will steal all your Boysenberry syrup. Your untimely demise will come soon.Sincerely,

Little Billy

P.S. Your butter is sub-par

Number Three

Dear Hadree’s,

The only thing dirtier than your tables is the foreigners who eat there. Your death will be my vindication.

Eat shit,

Ronald

P.S. In regards to your six-dollar burger, I could make a more cost-effective sandwich by charbroiling my own poop.

Number Four

Dear JC Penny,

I am very disappointed in the selection of slacks that you carry.

I hope you remedy the situation soon,

Brian Saunders