I wish i could take you deep inside my inner world.
Me and Corey seem to be getting farther and farther apart. Maybe its because he is so far away right now. Or maybe its because we really ARE growing apart. I really do like corey, but like my friend said "it shouldnt be this hard". i dont want me and corey to end but how can i keep goign when he acts like he doesnt even want to talk to me when HE calls me on the phone. I like him a lot but i cant continue this fiasco of not knowing whether or not he really wants to keep seeing each other. I dont think he trusts me either. Most of my friends are guys and he cant stand it. he says it doestn bother him, but i know it really does. like theis remark he said "next year im oging to have a lot of friends who are girls so you can see how it feels." what the fuck is that all about? i dont hang out with the girls at my school because i hate pretty much all of them. but whatever.....High School love live is so damn pathetic.

If this is hell, im glad im alive.
my life is so unbelievably confusing right now. i never let ANYONE see how i really feel, like when im upset. i dont want anyones pity but yet i want the confort of someones arms around me. I cant even tell if im happy or sad. on my hand i have a good boyfriend and wonderful friends, and an ok family. but on the other hand, my boyfriend is yielding me, some of my friends are being cock-sucking-cum-guzzlers, and my mom is sick...and that scares me. the only thing going through my head right now is "what if something goes terrible goes wrong with my moms surgery, and i never see her again? how would i cope knowing that i was such a horrible person towards her? how could i forgive myself when i couldnt even look at her and forgive HER for all the pressure she put on me to help ME succeed?" i always come off as a cheerful, happy person, that everyone thinks that there is nothing wrong with. they dont even ask how my life is or even how i did on a simple math test. everyone looks for me to cheer them up, but they never look to cheer me up. i wish i could have one of the "cereal box families", you know the ones always smiling and helping each other out. i wish i could have trustworthy friends or FRIEND, someone always there who doesnt judge. I wish i could have that special "leading man" boyfriend. but no ones life is perfect. im sick of giving, i want to be selfish...just for a day. im going to sleep now.

When life overwhelms
In sleep I find peace
It's the one place in life
Where I find relief.
The one place where I
Have nothing to fear
The place where my problems
All disappear.
Sleep is like
Temporary death
Except that your body
Still has its breath.
And in sleep you may dream
Of the way things should be
The way that it all
Fits so perfectly.
When I drift away
What I wish to keep
I find in my dreams
So I think that I'll just sleep.