"Thank you God"

One Lady's Journey Within.

"Dedication"

I dedicate this book to God, my husband Phil, my two friends and teachers Mr and Mrs B as well as my special friend my Earth Angel Doris Wells who has since passed on. Also my friend Greg Stein who has since passed on.

God has been with me when I was not open enough to know it. God has loved me until I could love myself. God never stopped loving me. God has sent me teachers. God is within you and I. If it were not for God I would not be on this earth. I am grateful. Thank you God.

Phil my best friend, my companion; my love all in one, you have loved me, you have been there for me through thick and thin, you have helped me to be who I am today. You have been my greatest teacher, you are an example of God. I cannot express the thanks and love I have for you. If it were not for your help and encouragement this book would not have been possible. I love you and thank you for being you. I love you Phil.

Mr and Mrs B you two were here for me from the beginning of my journey in sobriety. I thank you for your love and kindness, I thank you for accepting me the way I am and letting me be me. I love you both.

Greg you have been an inspiration to me throughout my sobriety. I know you are one with God now. I thank you for being my friend. Greg passed over in the year 2000.

Doris you have been here for me you have helped me to become a lady, you have helped me have faith in a power greater then myself. You encouraged me. You let me know I can do anything that I put my heart to. You have shown me how to live and how to die with dignity. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Doris Wells passed away July 21st 2001.

I call Doris my

“Earth Angel”

I wrote about her in Chapter Five of this book.

Some of the names in this book have been changed to protect the innocent.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

“Introduction.”

“God So Loved The World, That He Gave The World You!

”My friend Marlene told me that. She is a minister; I thought it was so beautiful I wanted to share it with you.

I would like to let you know why and how this book came about. I am putting my book on this blog so you can read it for free then once I can I will get it up on line to be down loaded for free.

I started writing my feelings down in 1999. I was not feeling well, I was going through a lot of emotions and physical problems. I believe writing is a form of therapy. I was going through a lot of turmoil with my child. I was trying to get a relationship with my child, you see my family did not forgive me for my past actions as continue to read more in to this book you will see why. I continued writing my feelings and I learned more on the computer. I learned to put a website together. I put a website together in the hopes of finding my birth mom. As the weeks went by I was writing more. I got into my feelings, hopes and desires and my love of God. It was like the pen had a mind of its own. I started writing and I enjoyed it so much that I put all my writings together in a website. I have spoken to many people from all over the world. I met a lady who said, “ You should write a book” I said, “No way! I can’t do that.”

As time went on I kept on adding more to the website and I met someone who gave me information on putting my writings into a book, my friend Marlene had encouraged me and I thank you for that Marlene. I have learned so much about myself from writing. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Here is a little background about me, and my beliefs. I believe God is the Spirit, the Universe, God is all. We are all God’s children; we are a part of God. I believe if we look within we find God. I have searched my whole life for something; I was not sure what I was searching for. I wanted peace. I wanted to not feel the pain within myself so I looked for a man, for love, for sex; I looked for things to fix me. One day I looked in the mirror and I saw God. I felt a peace I never felt before. I know it looks like it happened over night but it did not. I ran from myself for years, when I got tired of running, I started looking at myself from within; I realized that I never lost God. I lost myself, when I looked within myself; I found God and by finding God, I found myself. I truly believe we all are a part of God, and when we get out of God’s way, God can do the work. That is what my goal is. Just to simply stay out of God’s way. I have to let God do the work for me and the world around us.

I believe we have footwork to do. I believe we are God’s instruments, and we have to simply remember, and be one with God. What I mean in remembering is that I believe we were born knowing all. We were put in this world with free will and we came to this world for experience. So our soul has the knowing and we have to just be still and remember.

Here is something that came to my mind. I wrote it in the year 2000,”I believe in life, I believe in love, I believe in you.” Sometimes life gives us times of hardship; sometimes life brings us joy, and sometimes life brings us love. God brings us life and I would like to give love to God, by giving thanks for my life. As I go through life I am beginning to see that there is more to life than what I see. This journey for me through life is only the beginning. I am grateful for my sorrows and joys. I am learning through the experiences in my life. Everything I am going through is turning me into the person I am today. We grow through pain. No pain, no gain. Follow your dreams, follow your heart; follow your intuition follow your perception of the truth within. I believe the truth within is what keeps us going. I believe the inner voice is the God within. The knowing, the being, we all have it and we all can let it out, the love within.

Here is something I experienced when I was looking in the mirror. I was going through a lot of turmoil and I was interested in meditation so my friend Marlene told me to look in the mirror and see what I see. So this is what I saw in the mirror. I saw a lost child, the child within me who needed to be loved. I saw the God who loves that child. That was an experience I never want to forget, it is a feeling I believe we all have and all can have as long as we allow the Love of God in. I never could spend time with myself for ten minutes looking into my eyes, but I did it that time and I am grateful for that experience.

Here is something I wrote, on how I believe God speaks to us.

”God Speaks” I believe if we listen, we hear God if we just be and know the God within we get to know love and ourselves. I used to wait for a voice so I would know if it was God. I would wait for a sign like a note from the sky from God saying, “I am God and this is what you should do.” I now listen for the silence of God, the wind, the sun, the trees, and the birds. Especially the love within each and every one of us, that says, “I love you and everything is just the way it should be.”

The signs I see are within you. Take a look into each other’s eyes and see for yourself. Give someone a hug. Say I love you. I believe we are all one and God is within each and every one of us. Take a look at yourself and say, “I love you.” Thank you God.

I believe that life is a gift; I have a chance to live my life all over again. I got clean and sober in August of 1995. I believe that was when I began my journey in life. In the chapter ahead, I will share about my childhood and how I drank my sorrows away, I drank my fears, I did not want to be in reality. I wanted to run from myself. I hated who I was.

I hated what I was, I hated who I became, I did not care about anything or anyone. I had a child who I did not take care of. I was there physically but not emotionally. As you read through these pages you will read how I survived living in an abusive relationship. You will read about my child and my family. You will read about how I got sober and how I survived, how I realized God was with me the whole time. We are children of God and we don't have to be unhappy anymore. We have a life and we can get help; there is help out there for us. We have to ask for it and let people help us and love us.

I have been blessed with help from people and the help of a twelve-step program. I now can honestly say I like myself. Some times I even love myself. Loving myself is not something that comes easy for me. It takes lot of working on my part being good to myself. At five years sober I started school to get an education, I make a joke about it; "I began kindergarten." I was planning to get my G E D then continuing my education. When I got sober I did not have an education, as a child I chose not to finish school. In sobriety I started to read more, I never read a book completely until I got sober, now I love reading. I have read many books. I had to grow up all over again. Who knows what I will be when I grow up?

In 1999 I had the chance to go to school full time and learn, I took advantage of the situation. It took me a long time to stop feeling sorry for myself and grow up. Nobody has to take as long as I did. I am enjoying the journey of growth and learning. I hope I can let others know that if they were abused, or are still being abused it can stop. You can let go of it. There is help but it is up to you to get the help you need.

It was not our fault we were abused as children. What is our fault is: what we do about it now. If we let our childhood have power over us then we are living in the past. We need to let go and let God. And live in the now. As you continue to read further in this book you will read about how I believe a power greater than myself has walked with me through a hell on earth. I choose to call my higher power God.

A higher power can be called any name you choose. I do not believe God is a man up in the sky keeping score, I believe God is all, a Supreme Being, the I AM. I believe we are all a part of God. You may come across many times I repeat myself in these chapters. The reason I do repeat different sayings or experiences at times is to show a point that has really helped me in this experience in life, or it is because I am reminding myself about a certain belief or certain situation that I have experienced that I need to remember. I believe Life is a process of remembering what we already were born knowing.

What is written above was in 2000. Life has changed some since. I had to stop school but I will go back when I can. At the end of the book you will read about how Lupus as changed my life, how God has changed my attitude about living with lupus.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

“The Early Years”

My childhood, I was adopted at the age of five months; my mother who adopted me mentally abused me. She instilled all of her fears in me. As a child I was carried my first year because I was not able to sit up straight, she said that I was left unattended in the crib with a bottle and not given any attention the first five months of life. She told me that many of my problems I have in my life are a result of me being abandoned by my natural mother. She also told me that my mother and father were young and irresponsible and very self-centered. My mother blamed my natural mother for all the problems I have had in my life.

I remember being introduced as my adopted daughter and my grandmother introduced me as her adopted granddaughter. I did not like that. When I was introduced as an adoptee I felt I did not belong. I remember my mother would brag about adopting me and how my feet were the reason she adopted me because I had ballerina feet, that bothered me a lot as a child I wished I had ugly feet, then she would of not adopted me. I hated my feet, sounds funny but it was true she would not of adopted me if my feet were not made for dancing. I was being raised to be come a Ballet Dancer.

I remember as a young child my mother openly running around the house naked. She explained to me while growing up that she was raised with the idea that sex was dirty, she feared that I might grow up having the same fears she had. So my mother exposed me to sex at a young age. She told me that at the age of two a babysitter had molested me. She did not think it was a big deal she thought it was kind of cute at that time. As time went by the babysitter moved away. He was a young teenager living with his parents in our neighborhood. I was raised pretty open when it came to sex. My mother was very adamant in her opinions.

Her opinions when it came to sex were abnormal. My memories I have are from a young age in diapers. I will discuss what I remember at five years old continuing off and on until about seventeen years old. One memory I have I was about six years old I was at a girl friend’s house, her mother was sleeping with a man and she let us watch them make love. I thought at the time it was funny like two monkeys bouncing on top of each other. My mother knew I was there to learn how to have sex. That is sick to let your young daughter watch two adults doing the act of sex. The real traumatic memories I have are with a friend of my mother’s whom she had sex with. My mother had sex with this man and he also had sex with many of my mother’s friends. My mother had a tremendous fear that I would have the same problem as she did with sex. So she thought it would be a good idea if her friend taught me how to have sex. She also thought it would be good for me to have sex with the same gender. I had sex with both genders as an adolescent. I was exposed to, too much sex early in life, which was very traumatic for me throughout my life. As you can see her ideas were not all straight when it came to sex.

I remember my mother taking me to see “R” rated movies that depicted sex and nudity as part of my sexual education. My mother could not explain to me about how two adults fall in love and have children. She had to just let me watch and do the acts as a child. In retrospect I do not believe she was all there and I wonder how she was allowed to adopt a child at that time.

I was told she was able to adopt me because of her lies and the actions she did to get what she wanted. The friend of my mother’s who molested me, I will call Mr. J. Mr. J used to fondle me and show me porno movies. He had the full consent of my mother to teach me about sex. It was like a game, he would say: “Lets play an acting game you watch this movie and act like the star of the movie and I will act as the man in the movie.”

He knew I liked to act;

I wanted to become an actress when I was a young child. I was five at that time; he would do those things to me in such a way that it seemed like it was normal. I think that because I was exposed to sex so young from the babysitter and continuing on with him, I believed it was normal. I remember he moved away with his wife because his wife found out about the affairs between him and my mother and her friends. He and his wife were out of my life for about six years. During the time he and his wife were absent from my life, I would miss him and go into rages. You will be reading more about my anger and rages as you continue reading in this chapter. I remember Mr. J calling on the telephone about six years later, and coming back into my life. I was eleven or twelve years old. I was getting ready to graduate from elementary school.

My mother was a dance teacher and taught his wife ballet. His wife I will call Mrs. J, wanted to continue her ballet lessons with my mother. So Mr. and Mrs. J were back in my life. Mr. J continued to molest me from that time until I was seventeen. The sexual abuse became a regular weekend pattern. I hated it and loved it at the same time. I was so confused. People say those feelings are abnormal. I was afraid of my own shadow. I was in a make believe world all my life. I thought I was in love with Mr. J and I hated him at the same time. I cryed myself to sleep at times. The pain was intense. He would show me pictures of me naked; I would get a sick feeling in my stomach. I would start to hit and cut myself, the anger I had inside was real strong towards myself. I would hide in the closet and bite myself until I bled, I remember as if it was yesterday the physical pain I felt was better than the pain that was inside me. I hated him, and at the same time I needed him. I was so miserable. He always was there for me and he let me know he loved me. He said to me, that my mother told him to take good care of me because she was too busy. He loved me as a father would and he did things to me that only a husband would do to his wife, so you can see how mixed up I was.

As I am writing this memory I have tears in my eyes. I was unable to be in reality when it came to my childhood for so many years. I would talk about it as if it was a movie. The pain hurt so much, that I hid behind a mental wall. I would not wish this on anyone. I became so used to him that it was terrible; it became a habit, like an addiction; the sad thing was I did not realize it at the time. Remembering back into my childhood I said to my mother, “Mommy he touched my booby." she said, "did you like it?" I said, "Yes." She replied "well then?" I remember that as though it were yesterday. I liked it because he did not hurt me and it was done in a nice way. My mother never hugged me or told me she loved me, but Mr. J told me he loved me all the time. Mr. J not only abused me sexually but mentally abused me as well; he would let me know that he is like my father because my mother wanted him to be a father figure to me, but also to teach me about sex between a man and a woman. Now in my mind, that is sick behavior for him to admit that to me. He taught me a lot, he taught me to clean, and iron, and cook; he bought me my first bra, he did the things my mother should have done with me. He taught me to cross streets safely, my mother was afraid for me to cross the street. She never let me cross the street on my own until I was fourteen years old. My mother never taught me anything a parent should. She made my bed and she pretty much told me I did not need to learn how to do these things, she said: “When you get older you can learn how to do these things.” My mother wanted me to become a dancer like she was. She was very disappointed in me because I rebelled against her with the dancing and did not have the willingness to continue dancing. I danced Ballet and Jazz and some Tap I got pretty good but I was not willing to continue. At the age of eighteen she set up an appointment for me to go to Las Vegas to audition to become a Playboy Bunny. I had a talent but threw it away in favor of my addictions. When I look back and really am honest with myself I did have a talent and I did love dancing. I just did not want to take her direction. My anger for her was like a bomb waiting to go off. Getting back to the father figure, I did not have a father, so I thought it was normal what Mr. J did to me, I did not think it was abnormal until I was older. I did everything in life that felt good, I did not think of the consequences of my actions.

I believe that the feelings of love and sex got confused in my mind at a very young age. I believe that in this day and age many people have sex and love confused. As you read through the chapter you will see how I hated who I was, I hated everyone, and I nearly killed myself over these feelings. I was a fearful little girl; I was an angel at school and a devil at home. I wanted to be loved by everyone, so I did whatever he or she wanted I was a people pleaser and was who ever you wanted me to be. I did not know who I was or who I am. My mother was busy most of the time. She did not spend much time with me; I was always at Mr. J’s or at my friends house who lived in are building. I wanted to go to Mr J's house every chance I could and when I was not I begged to go to my friends house. My mother was the kind of person who did all she could to get what she wanted; she did not care who was hurt with her choices in life. She exaggerated the truth a lot and when I would catch her in a lie, I would say, “No mom that is not the truth” she would say, “Yes it is, you misunderstood me.” I would be misunderstanding her a lot at least that is what she said. I know now in retrospect it was her exaggerating the truth. She would try to have me go along with her exaggerations. I was told she was a liar. I never wanted to believe that she was lying, my mother thought for me, she made all my decisions. I was unable to think for myself. I caught her exaggerating so many times. She would tell me “No that is not what I said” that I had heard her wrong, I misunderstood. My mother told me that so many times that I did not know what was true and what was false. I was not able to accept that she lied and was imperfect. I caught her in many lies and exaggerations. I hated her. I started to really hate her and I started to hit her and do everything I could to make her miserable. I needed help badly.

At that time of my life I was very angry. I did not know how to express my anger and I did not know where the anger was coming from. It is sad that adults do those things to children. Children are the victims. I was not beaten as a child. The beatings came in adulthood. I chose men who were violent because I wanted to be hurt and then I would not have to hurt myself. That is another story in itself. I was a very sick cookie.

As a child I reacted with self-hatred because of all the pain I had inside me. I would bang my head on the wall starting from about two years of age. The reason I know the age is because my mother told me I started this action at two years of age. She told me how she laughed at me; she did not know what was the reason for this behavior. I remember her telling me, as I was older, how she thought my self-abuse actions were a result of my being left alone the first five months of my life. She told me all this when I was a teenager. She said that is why I banged my head and why she had to carry me the first year of my life, and that is why I was unable to sit up for a year. She explained to me that is why I acted the way I did. She did not say anything about her mistakes in raising me. She said my natural mother was confused and that I inherited my natural mother’s genes.

That was my mother’s excuse for my actions. She did not take responsibility for her mental abuse and allowing me to be sexually abused. The things I did to myself in my childhood were not a pretty sight. I slit my wrists and did all I could to hurt myself physically. This was all due to my feelings of self-loathing. It just became a part of my life. When I was home with my mother. I wanted attention and so I would throw a fit. I knew that Mr. J would give me attention even if it were the wrong kind of attention. It was better than what I was getting from my mother. At least those were my thoughts at that time. I did not like living with my mother, I would miss Mr. J, and I would beg my mom to let me go to his house. I was the cause of my mother being evicted from our apartment, I remember clearly I would break windows and scream and yell to get my own way. This shows that my mother should have placed me in therapy at that age.

In retrospect, I know why she did not get me help, because she knew I was being abused. If I had talked about it she would have been found at fault. I know because as an adult she let me know that she did not think it was that bad. She thought it would be good for me to learn how to enjoy sex and not have the hang-ups that she had. That was her reason for allowing me to be abused. My obsession became real intense with Mr. J. I had to see Mr. J. he was my fix, like a drug, I could not be without him for more than a week it was a sick situation.

At around the age of fourteen or so, I thought I was pregnant that was when I felt this was wrong. I yelled at him to stop! He was on top of me doing his thing to me; usually, I would pretend I was sleeping and put the wall back up when he did those things. But this time it was different, I yelled and kicked him, he said your dreaming, I said "No I am not." He said, "No one will believe you, anyway your mother told me to do this.” He said “I am supposed to teach you about sex.” I was crying. I ran into the other room. I did not become pregnant, thank God. The pain I felt was so deep inside me, it was hard to talk about it at the time. I did feel physical pain, but mainly emotional pain inside myself; I did not know what to do. I knew the things that were happening were true, but I could not let myself feel, I did not want to believe it, and the fact that I thought I had to have it, as if it were a fix, was the hardest thing I had to deal with. Sometimes the pain inside felt like I was dying. I allowed it to rule my life, take power over me until I got into recovery and learned to let go and I had to get help.

As I think back into my teens I was so lonely and wanting a friend, God brought me help from a friend my mom used to pay this family to take care of me we lived in the same building. I did not know at the time that it was a blessing. Now I know it was a blessing.

Today I call this family

"My Family of Angels"

I had this family to teach me how to live they loved me as their own child. I lived between their apartment, and my mom’s apartment and Mr J's house. I still felt a need to be with Mr J it was sick.

The good thing was is that this Angel family I stayed with, their daughter was my best friend so we spent a lot of time together and went to school. I was two years older then she was but we were good friends. I know I put that family through a lot I had a big mouth on me. They were a better influence on me then I was on them or I should say than I was on their daughter. I never did share my feelings of anger and what was really going on inside of me. I kept all the abuse a secret.

I joined a religion I wont say the name my mom was not paying attention to much and the family who I stayed with often the family of Angels went so I went with them. I seemed to like the religion better then my friend did. When I was sixteen years old this family of Angels moved away. It broke my heart when they moved.

I continued going to that religion to make a long story short my mother got tired of me preaching to her that when I was 17 so she told me to live with this other family that I knew from the religion. I did for a little while not long I saw what was going on I did not like it. So I chose to go back to live with my mother and went back to seeing Mr. J and had bad nightmares for 3 years about God. I joined the religion because my Angel Family went and I thought it would help me stay away from wanting Mr. J and I would meet people who would like me. I believe I was looking for God at that time I just did not realize it and I did not know God was already with me.

Some times people join religions not knowing what they’re getting into just because they want help. I was not able to ask for help at that time I think that was the beginning of me trying to get help I just did not realize it. I was trying to run from myself, run from the pain inside. I met people from there who were abused like myself but at that time I was not dealing with it, and I pretended it was not happening to me. I than got into alcohol and drugs after I left the religion.

I want to take time to thank God and mention that God brought" My family of Angels" into my life when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I spent a lot of time with them and it was a blessing I did not know it at the time but they taught me love that I did not know, they taught me love from a mom and dad not the kind I was used to their actions was love.

This was when Mr J was out of my life for a while and so I had a few years of living off and on with this family and my adoptive mom I chose to live with my Family of Angels a family who loved me and taught me love the right kind of love. I thank this family from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to make sure I mention this part of my life because it was the good Positive parts of my life and it seems my memory remembers most of the negative parts.

This Family of Angels was a positive part of my life and I thank God for them being there when I needed them I hope some day we meet again.

I am so sick of society; today so many young children are being violated like that. I am speaking out to let the children know that their bodies are not bad or dirty; our bodies are a gift, a part of us. I want to let all young children know that no one has the right to touch you, and if it feels good, it is normal to feel good, sex is a part of being human. What is not normal is when an adult touches or abuses a child. It is not the child's fault, even if the child likes it; it is not the child's fault. It is our fault as adults who do it and allow it to happen. My mother, in her sick thinking thought it was ok because, I was not being beaten. Now, if you ask me that is sick. To this day I do not have any communication with my mother. I don’t respect her after all she did to me. I used to want to get revenge on her and Mr. J. I just wanted to get peace and revenge was my way. Today I do not believe that vengeance is healthy. I believe we all are children of God and she has made mistakes that she has to work on. I blamed myself most of my life for her mistakes. It was not my fault. What would be my fault is if I let the memories of my childhood run my life. I cannot let them have power over me anymore. I did let them have power over me and they took control of my life. I had so much fear. I hated myself so much, all these years.

A few years ago I let God help me. It was not easy to let go of all the memories and pain, but for me I had to, it is like a poison if I do not let go of it, it will kill me, for me this is a daily process. I began to forgive Mr. J, I had to or I would go crazy, I did not become his friend, but I realized he is a sick person and I had to let him go. I wrote a letter to him and to my mother, one in anger to let the hidden rage out, the other one was one to say I forgive. I did not send these letters to either of them. I wrote the letters so I would be able to vent and get all the pain out. Similar to the way I am writing now, I believe writing is healing. I still have flash backs and I have to walk through them. I believe I may have to deal with certain feelings the rest of my life. I am learning to walk through them better, and not let them take power over me. Feelings are feelings. I have a hard time walking through the memories at times. I am grateful that I have people in my life to help me. Sometimes I fall down, but today I am able to get back on my feet with the help of others. I am learning not to blame myself. I had to take charge of my life. The sad thing is too many children blame themselves. I think that people who abuse children deserve to be in prison. I believe they are sick people who need help, but they have to stay away from children.

What is even worse is when a parent knows it is happening and does nothing to stop it, like I believe my mother did. No wonder I was in a make believe world most of my life with a wall up to protect me. I would watch the shows “The Walton’s” and “The Brady Bunch”, and pretend my mother was like their mother. I had to pretend this because the pain of not having that type of a mother was unbearable. I used my imagination because the truth hurt too much. I put a wall up since I was a child. I was very good at hiding mentally so I did not have to deal with my life. I think the wall and the imaginary sister I had saved me from going insane. The one thing I do know which saved me at that time was the alcohol. I was really able to feel good for the time being; it did not last; alcohol does not fill the emptiness inside. Only the Love of God can make us whole.

My alcoholism will be discussed in further chapters. It is not always easy to stay in recovery but it is sure worth it. God does take care of me when I let Him. God is there, just reach out and take His hand. God is always with us. We are the ones who are not always centered with God. If I could live my life all over again, I would live my life exactly the same way. I would not change a thing in my life. All the pain, all the heartaches made me the person I am today. I would not have the gifts I have now in my life. I do not believe we have to go through pain to have peace but some of us have chosen to.

Growing up is sure worth it.

It is never too late to grow and change. One day at a time. One minute at a time. May God guide you through this journey called life. Open your heart and mind. God and you are one. I believe we are all one. I believe if we get out of our own way and let the Spirit take over, then we would all be at peace and we would not have all the violence going on in the world.

When God, the Spirit, is in charge we are immersed in His love. It is when we, as humans take charge that the chaos begins, if we as human beings let God, the Spirit, take over we would be at peace and we would have all the abundance, spiritually and physically. God takes care of all His children. So let us allow the Spirit do all the work.

I think of the future, I think of the children. It brings tears to my eyes, to think of how the children have so much fear and self hate within them. I believe we need to give them love and teach them that they are important and belong. The children will be our future. We need to teach our children love and kindness. It is sad to think of the future with all the madness that people are choosing to have in their lives today. The children follow the adults in their lives and we are their examples. I know that we all grow and change. We need to share with our children that it is important to watch people’s actions, not just their words, our actions are what teaches the children. We can talk all we want but the actions are what really speak out.

I want to mention that it took me years to let go of believing I was a victim. I allowed many people to treat me bad; I grew up at a late age I did not start to even acknowledge any abuse until I was thirty. Because the abuse started so young it took a lot of help for me to get honest and stop blaming myself, it was not easy but I have been blessed, it is still a lifetime job. Still to this day, I have memories which pop up which I have to deal with. I grew up and changed my life. I am grateful that as an adult I met a lady who helped me grow up. When the student is ready the teacher does appear. I want to share with the children that they are loved. God bless the children. We are all children of God. We are all one. I have never felt so free. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I choose not to be a victim anymore. When I am a victim, I am pushing God out of my life. All my life I have allowed my past to interfere with what I chose to do in life. I have realized for myself that we can re-choose and not be a victim we can live a good life and be happy. We can re-write the script in our lives. We do not have to settle for less. The choice is ours .If we were to live, as we are one, I believe we would treat each other nicer in this world and if we were to believe that there is no death, we would be more at peace with ourselves. I believe we are here for experience and then we go on to another experience. So I hope we can help each other to remember and become one. Like it was before we were human.

I believe we were given the truth from the beginning and we know the truth, we have to just remember love. Just be and let God, the Spirit, within show us the way. Know that you are important and know that you can do whatever you choose to do. God is always with you. I would like to say one thing before I close this chapter. Be good to yourselves and know the Spirit is with you and you’re never alone. I have this deep yearning to express how we are loved and we are one with each other and one with Spirit, if we live and let live and keep on the path together, treat each other as if we are one big family, the whole world would be at peace. Wouldn’t it be nice to be at peace with all nations and not have to have any wars? It can happen if we all let the Love of God from within us come out. May you live your fullest, follow your intuitions reach out to the brightest star, the star is you. We are the place where God shines through. Let the God within come out and love one another. Do not let any person, place, or thing run your life and take power over you. Let the Light of God within guide you. You are the diamond, you are the Bright Star believe it and know it and so it is.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 2

“My Best Friends Became My Worst Enemies”

My best friends were my addiction with alcohol, and drugs, those two were with me in my times of need and helped me feel love, and helped me get through the pain which was inside me. Also they turned on me and became my worst enemies. I did anything for alcohol and drugs I gave my life to them. I believe I started acting like an alcoholic when I was a child, my rage and anger started early in life. It was like an alcoholic without the booze. I was full of anger and I remember having my first drink with my mother as a child maybe at the age of six or seven, she gave me wine and mixed it with water to help me sleep. I did not remember having it all the time, I do remember wanting more it was like a love affair. I started drinking heavily at age eighteen and got into drugs. I continued that life style until I was 30. I was not a pretty sight to see. I thought I did not have a problem with drugs and alcohol. Because I stopped many times, and always worked a job; and I went back to drinking, drugging.

When the pain got too bad I said to myself I would kill myself so it's better to drink. That was the denial in me. I drugged and drank instead. Every time I stopped, I said to myself, “See I stopped I have no problem.” I was so miserable inside. I drank and drugged again. I remember in my early twenties I worked as a waitress and was able to get booze from the bar and boy did I have fun. Working and drinking, that is an alcoholic’s dream. The men I chose to be with in my life were also into drinking and drugs they had to be or we would not have anything in common. I raged through my relationships one after another and was beaten; I still went back for more. I just did not care at that time in my life. I had to stop feeling and I had to stop being me. Being me was painful. I worked through all my blackouts. I think back and I wondered how did I do that. Today I know it was God carrying me. God knew what was in my heart and I knew I wanted help I did not know that then, I see it now.

I believe because we have free will we do whatever we choose to do. At that time in my life I chose to drink and destroy others as well as myself. At age twenty-one I got pregnant, I was unmarried and the father left when I was a few months pregnant. Thank God I managed to stop drinking and using for nine months. I had a healthy beautiful baby boy. When my son David was born it was the best time of my life I looked into his eyes and fell in love with him. I treasure that memory.

In the hospital on the last night I was there they gave me a bottle of champagne so that was a good excuse for me to have a glass I should say a bottle. The nurses had no idea they were letting an alcoholic drink in the hospital. If they did they would not of given it to me. I got back into my drinking a little at a time. When I started back at work David was about two months old and I began drinking real heavy, non-stop. I was not the mother I wanted to be. I loved David but you see when someone has an addiction like I do that addiction takes over, it took me over. I left my own child. I was unable to take care of David. I did the best I could the first few years but then the addiction became worse, it took complete control of me. My mother took care of David. I did not want her to. I knew because of the way she raised me she might do the same to David. I still ran with my drinking, I was not in reality. I ran more and more, drinking and drugging. All I did was drink, work, and drug and have sex that was my life for twelve years. Then I married a man who was the man of my dreams. We were married drunk and his two best friends were just guess alcohol, drugs just like mine were. We were the drunkest newlyweds you could ever see. He loved what I loved. He did what I did, alcohol, drugs and sex. He worked where I worked so we really had fun. We met and worked at a restaurant.

I think back and wonder how we were able to live with each other. I was a loud mouth and he was too, I was louder than he was. We both liked to beat each other up. However, he was stronger than I. So I felt the beatings more. It was sick. I was beaten everyday. If a day went by and I did not get hit, choked, or hit with a wooden board, then I was thanking God and saying he loves me he did not hit me today. That was how insane my thinking and the marriage had become. I stayed married to him for two years. I was a mess. My drinking and drugging took me places where I did not have to go to. I lowered my standards and did things I would not want anyone to experience. I managed to work through the whole time of my drinking career. At the end, I was in an accident and could not work anymore. I got hurt in a black out and I was in a hospital with knee and leg injuries. I still have problems with my knees today. It goes to show how I created a lifestyle that I still am living the consequences of my actions.

The blessing is I am reminded every day of how it used to be because of my knees and it helps me to be reminded of how awful my life was so I do not repeat those actions.

I got help in 1995. Because I stopped drinking and drugging and I admitted I needed help, needed love, I needed people, I was able to be more honest with myself and then the memories of my childhood became stronger. When I drank and drugged I experienced these memories but I did not get to the core of my problem; because I had an outlet, a fix, like a child’s bottle or blanket is a fix to make the child feel better. Well drinking and drugs were my fixes to make me feel better about myself. Every time the pain became intense, I grabbed one of my fixes and it helped me for the time being. It turned on me like my worst enemy. So the 12 steps helped not only with my addictions, alcohol, drugs, and sex; but also with my abusive childhood issues. I can honestly say I believe in a higher power, which I choose to call God. I am loved, I am a good person. I have my off days like everyone does. I am human but if I let my pain take over, then I will be a victim so I choose not to be a victim anymore. On the days I choose to feel sorry for myself, I have people to help me get back on track again. I have heard most people who have been abused sexually, physically, and mentally, end up killing themselves. I know I could have done that. I believe because of God we can survive and be complete loving people. I am grateful to be a child of God.

I believe in Angels.

I would like to share this experience with you. When I got sober in 1995, I stayed sober for six months. That was when I left my ex-husband and I chose to drink again. I say chose, because nobody forced me to drink again. I wanted to. This was the experience that happened to me the week I went back to drinking. I was drinking and I could not stop. I felt miserable and I was back in the abusive relationship. I could not leave because I was afraid, and I was too deep into that lifestyle. I looked into the mirror and saw death in my eyes; I wanted to end my life. I went to a park and I cried and cried. Actually I was yelling like a crazy woman. I started to pray. I was on my knees at the park, praying, and asking for help. I was not calm; I was not a pretty sight to see. I said "God help me!" I said some other things. I am not sure exactly what I said. I was so tired of being me, I was to the point that I would do whatever I had to do to stop drinking. I had to let go and let God take over in order to help me. A couple of days after that I was back at that same park. I saw a homeless lady walking with a dog and a man with a cart. I had never seen her before. I was sitting under a tree. I was crying; she walked up to me and said; "What is wrong"? "You look too young and too pretty to look so sad". I said nothing; she smelled of beer and was very dirty. I did not know what was going on. I just cried.

She told me that she was staying in the park in a trailer for three days and if I needed a place to stay I could join her. She told me about herself. She was abused for 15 years and she showed me that she had metal screws and pins in her legs and arms along with scars from being beaten and choked. She had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship and going down hill fast. She did not know me.

This lady had no teeth; they were lost in the beatings. She told me her life story; all I could do was cry.

I grabbed her and hugged her and began to sob. I never liked to hug people or look into their eyes, but I did with this lady. I cried and cried while hanging on to her. I said thank you. I never did tell her I was being abused. I told her "I am ok". She said, "Well if you need help meet me here tomorrow". The next day came but I did not go back to the park, instead I went and got help. I went back to the program in a women’s' sober living home. I stayed there for 5 months, got sober and found a job. I am sober to this day.

I believe that God sent her to talk to me in the park. I believe that this homeless lady was my Angel. I truly believe that God used her to help me. I did not know where that lady went as she was walking off that day, I watched her walk away but I did not see her turn or anything, I just did not see her as if she disappeared like an Angel. I am so grateful for that lady. I have gone back to that park every once in awhile to see if my Angel is still in the park. I go wishing I could see her again to hug her and thank her for saving my life. I have been sober ever since. To this day I believe that God sent her to save my life. I believe she is my mirror image. I believe that if I drink and go back to my old lifestyle, I will be that homeless lady I met at the park. I feel that God uses all different kinds of people to help His children. Who knows you may be talking to your Angel today. I ask God that His Angels direct us all. As I think back in my life, I realize that God has been walking with me every step of the way. I have met people in my past who have helped me. I just did not have my eyes or ears open to see and hear what was in front of me. I believe that I need to listen to God not just talk to Him. This program of recovery is a process. If I think I have it, and so called graduate; then I am in to "Ego" and I am asking for "Big" trouble.

The reason I bring this up is because I have seen so many people go out, and drink, use drugs, and ruin their lives over this and die, I almost did. We get this idea that we have the recovery process down, and we think we are cured. We begin to think we can drink one drink. "Think the drink through",

play the tape in your head about the last drunk you had, before you act on the thoughts of drinking. I have thought of drinking many times; I am an alcoholic and alcoholic’s drink that is what we do best. Because I am an alcoholic I need to stay in recovery. I am grateful for this "Twelve Step Program," it is saving my life. I am changing my thoughts and actions due to the 12 steps of recovery. I almost lost my life from this disease of alcoholism and drugs. I lost everything and got a new life, because I asked for help, and allowed myself to accept that help. The people in the fellowship introduced me to a higher power, which I call God. Some people don't want this kind of help, but I did; I am blessed that we have recovery for people who need it.

Every place in the world has help for people who want it. We just have to be open and willing to accept this help if we are alcoholic. I need to be positive in recovery. God is with us every step of the way. The twelve steps are helping me in every aspect of my life.

Attitude is what life is all about; changing our attitude, changes the way our life is. Be grateful and smile.

God gave us a "Gift".

The "Gift of Life."

Enjoy and live life and just be.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 3

“Past And Present.”

In my first year of sobriety, as well as my past, I had many nights when I would hit myself. My anger would rage and I really would get myself into trouble. I embarrassed myself many times, got into arguments with people and was not acting with love. I was acting out with regret and anger toward people. I would scream and cry and hurt others with my mouth and my violent temper breaking things, windows and putting holes in the walls. In my past I would get evicted from apartments because of my anger, which was out of control. I had to come to a point and stop being a victim and get help. I had to pay for the consequences of my actions. If I did not get help I would have gone insane. I could have ended up in jail, prison or dead. I married a man that beat me because of my temper he had no right to hit me and I had no right to hit him. I mentioned this in the previous chapter. For a year he would hit me with a board and choke me. It is a blessing I am alive. We lived like animals. My mother once told him she wanted him to kill me and he agreed. I am telling you all this again because anger, which is uncontrollable, can kill. I lived in hell with that type of anger. I have not been in that kind of hell since I got help.

When I got sober I had to seek therapy. The first three to four years of my sobriety was tough. I was getting help and went through lots of emotion dealing with my childhood abuse. I had lots of memories. It was as if I was reliving my life over again. I mentioned this in the previous chapter I believe it is important for me to mention again. You have read about my anger. You also read about the lady I met in the park whom I call my Angel. I mention the lady in the park again because I believe with all my Soul that if I drink again I can be that lady in the park homeless and drunk. I believe she is my future and God brought her to me so I can be reminded that I am one drink away from a drunk, and I am one rage way from a drunk living on the streets. My anger got real dangerous, even in sobriety I had to watch my rages. I had to let people help me. I had to stop talking and start taking direction. Thank God I have a good life now. I am now married and my husband is a wonderful man. He loves me. We give and take in our relationship. We love each other and listen to each other. We have spaces in our togetherness. He is sober he got sober in 1990. I met him in the 12-step program. My life is so much better now; sometimes I forget how much better it is. I was going through a tough time in the year 2000 I was taken to court. My son David went in to the court system in 2001 because he had so much anger and he did not want to forgive me.

David has so much anger it took him over. I had to let go. In the last five and a half years of my sobriety, David and I were re-establishing a relationship. David was living with me things were good, but when I developed some physical problems as a result of my alcoholism and I had to stop working and start taking care of myself things changed. David started to threaten me. I did not take the threat serious. I was in denial. I was on disability, I had no income and my mother was trying to get more money from me.

David and my mother threaten me many times in my sobriety but I did not take it serious. David and my mother took me to court it is a long story but I feel it is important to share. I have tears in my eyes as am telling you this. I had to let go of David, because he and my mother threatened to kill me, it got real bad. My mother stated it in one of her declarations in court about how David wants me dead.

I let David go to the court system. I had to keep my sanity and my sobriety. I have seen too many teenagers acting out doing things like this. I do not want to be in the Newspapers as a victim of my mother and David killing me.

My mother and David have threatened to hurt me and kill me off and on for the last few years since I have gotten sober. I did not take them serious, I believed at that time my mother and David were just trying to get me back for my drinking and my rages. It was not something I wanted to believe so I put my wall up and did not believe them. The same wall I had used as a child. I find myself using that wall when I get into pain I cannot seem to control. Finally I started to believe them because they lied more and more and did everything they could to make me react to them. My mother wanted me to act like I used to. I used to be very angry in my past and my mother hated me for not being the Dancer she wanted me to be.

My mother told me:

“I will do every thing I can to make you give up.” I was told: “We hate you, and want we you dead.” They both let me know what they would do to hurt me, and they both reminded me that they hold a life insurance on me in the event of my death. So I took them seriously and believed them. I needed to let go and so I signed a withdrawal in the courts and David is in the system now. I told the judge the truth, the threats and the lies. David is still with my mother at this time in 2001 but I do not think he will be with her permanently because I spoke out and told the truth about all the phone calls and threats. The judge has not made the decision as yet. They are checking David’s living environment before they make the decision of where he will be living. David has been court ordered to go to therapy; I was able to obtain that court order. I am grateful that the judge agreed with me on that. My mother almost had a fit, when she heard that.

The court made David go to therapy. As far as I know David is still in therapy. Maybe David can get the help I did not get when I was a child. The reason the court gave my mother temporary custody was because David stood up and told lies about me; he was doing anything and everything for the approval of my mother. David has lived with my mother most of his life. And because I had no proof that he was being abused, he was able to choose where to live. It is sad but true, my mother got what she wanted she took David, brained washed him and mentally abused him, so David turned into what I used to be-a raging idiot. Maybe by the time this book is published, David may be in a stable environment or maybe still with my mother. It is none of my business where David is or will be, because I let go. I do not know where David is. I cannot make legal contact with David until he is an adult. For my own safety I have to just go on and continue my life. I have to be positive. I want be there for David if he chooses to reestablish a relationship. I don’t trust David but I do believe everyone in the world can change if they choose to.

I am a living example of someone who chose to get help and change. My life won’t change if I don’t change my thoughts and reactions to the things that occur in life. It is a daily process for me. Things happen in life and we have to grow up. I cannot fix anyone like you cannot fix me. I had to continue to get help for myself in dealing with the anger and rage I had within me as a result of the actions of my mother and son. People were there to help me. I had to be there to receive the help. I hate to say this, but most people that have been abused like I have, if they do not get help, they become molesters, rapists, and murderers. I got a little shove from God. I was in enough pain to get help and I am grateful. I hope this will make people stop and think before they act on their thoughts, and maybe let people know that there is life after hell. I have tried all I could since 1995 to make amends to my family all I wanted was for them to forgive and love me. I found out that I couldn’t force anyone to love me.

All I can do is be a person who can give love to others; it's up to them to accept that love. I have come to believe that we all have been given free will from God, and my family has exercised their free will. I have to accept that I have to continue to change myself. I cannot continue to be a victim. Without change there is no growth. I believe that life on life’s terms happens but I need to live life on God’s terms. I have to change my reactions to the situations that come into my life. I have to let myself have faith and trust in something I cannot see or touch. I was told life would be better when I got sober but I found out it's not necessarily better, but different. Maybe I should re-word that it is better because I react better to the situations that happen in my life. I believe my life is an experience for me, not good not bad, just experience. Sometimes it feels bad, I am coming to an understanding that I have to accept and go on with my life. I get to experience feelings of sadness and joy with more intensity. Walking through pain and sadness brings joy. I was told that I would find peace and comprehend the word serenity - I am getting closer to that. I am receiving a peace and serenity born out of pain. I must have faith that God, the I Am, will make everything right. I would like to share with you some of my thoughts, which I wrote in my Journal:

Pain is being adopted and having the lady who adopted you let you get abused and not think it is a bad thing. Pain is being abused from such an early age and thinking it is normal. Pain is drinking your pain away.

Pain is having a child and not being able to take care of the child because you let the pain within turn into poison, and the only way you can deal is to drink.

Pain is having a child and having that child not want you but hate you.Pain is having that adopted mother taking that child from you, and taking advantage of you at your weakest moment. Pain is getting sober. Pain is having your child threaten to kill you. Pain is having an adopted mother mentally abusing your child. Pain is a part of me.

I have to let go completely it is as if my child were dead. I love my child and I am hurting so much within I cannot even tell you the pain I feel. I know I have to continue life I know I have to let God love me. I know God is the only reason I am living and sober since 1995. I know this shall pass. I do not know when this pain will pass. I know I will always love my son. I know I cannot make anyone forgive me, I know I cannot make anyone love me. All I can do is be a person to give love and a person who forgives. I know I have to completely forgive myself. It is hard because my past haunts me because my child and mom have such anger for me. Joy is letting go and trusting in God. Joy is being one with God. I feel I lost it all, I know I will feel Joy again. I know with time we heal. I know God is all.

There fore I am.“ I need to be still and let God love me,

God take this load off my shoulders, I need to be still and let God love me.

”I wrote this in May of 2001.

Being still, hearing, and experiencing the Love of God is a beautiful feeling and I am grateful to be able to experience the beauty of God from within. God is in all things. God is in the beauty of life sometimes, we as human beings forget to see and feel all the Love of God, which surrounds us each and every day. Like a rose in the middle of a garden we can walk right by and not see it. That is God. We go from day to day without even noticing God. So let’s all take a moment to stop what we are doing and breathe and really experience the Spirit of God from within.

If you would like to contact me by email click here on my name:

Angela

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras

All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras

All rights reserved.

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