"Thank You God"
One Lady's Journey Within.
Welcome back
Chapters
9-13
Chapter 9
“Love”
What does love mean to you?

I have asked myself that many times in life, I thought love was being with the opposite sex, and having many friends would mean you’re loved. I did not have a clue what love meant, it was not really a part of my vocabulary. I did not know how to love anyone because I did not love myself. I knew how to people please, I was great at that, and some people thought it was love. I knew how to say the word I love you but words mean nothing with no actions. I know different now, love is a beautiful way of giving to another person, love is God’s love, and love is an action. I think we all have the feeling of love inside of us and sometimes we do not know it. I pushed that feeling away for years, because I pushed God’s love away, I was unable to be open and act on love. Since I believe love is an action then I have to act on love when I act on love then I feel love. If I do not feel the love then how can I believe in love? I think love is God. I have to be open to see love and believe.

Look around you, the world is full of love just look outside and look at the sky, feel the breeze, and feel the love. Love never says no just like God never says no, I think many people are afraid of the feeling and the action of love. I know I was afraid of love, and I still am at times; the reason I say I still am is because when I get into the fear of others and keep my mind on negativity I become afraid of love. I felt more comfortable being miserable in my own anger than I did with love. I can say that the reason was because of the way I was raised, so I have someone to blame. I can say it was because I chose not to let go of my anger and rage that was why I was afraid of love. I believe the reason I was afraid was because I chose to stay in the negativity. Love is positive and the other choice is negative, anger, rage and hate, fear. I had to let others love me until I could love myself; I had to learn to receive love.
Love is a child playing, love is many things. I believe love is all just as God is. Love is exciting; love is healing when we love others we are helping in the process of healing. I like the idea of how we can choose many ways to express love. A mother’s love, a father’s love, giving love to a friend, loving your pet and loving from a far, tough love. I needed tough love and I still do, love is a big part of life. If God did not possess love then life would not be here and God would not be, love and God are one. When we let the love within we become one with God, I know I have God’s love, you have God’s love. If you do not believe me look in the mirror and see for yourself. Now if you go to the mirror with doubt then you won’t see the love of God within you. If you say, “No it is not true,” then it will be not true for you. You won’t see the beauty within yourself; so then you will not see God. We do receive what we believe in, that is why I am choosing to have an open mind, so I can be open to all of the love and God in the world. These are my thoughts and what I believe in. The reason I believe this is because I have gone through many experiences that have helped me see how this makes much more sense than the God I started with as a child. The fearing God, the one keeping score up in the sky. God is all. I have experienced the feeling and knowing, so this is my truth, no one has to go along with it. We all have our own ways of loving and believing. I just hope we all as individuals can keep an open mind to all the faiths. I do not believe any faith or religion is wrong, what I think is we all have different paths and some may take longer than others to get the most out of the belief we choose.
I have experienced when I love, life goes along much smoother, so if we all give love to each other and not judge a book by its cover, love people for who they really are, not for how much money they have. Not for what they look like. Love them for being them. Now I ask myself how can I give love to others? I can start with a smile, smiling at someone is love, I know when someone smiles at me it makes me feel good, shaking hands is love, and also listening to someone and really hearing what they are saying not just looking at them, but really being open to what they are saying is definitely love. Calling someone up and saying “Hi! I just wanted to say hello and let you know I love you.” Hugging someone is spreading love. There are so many actions we can do to spread the love of God. Speaking is love, sharing a part of us with others is love, sharing, I believe is letting out the God within you to others. Love is an action, we all can talk and say, “I love you” words mean nothing if there is no action behind what is said. I think one thing that is very important at least it is for me, is following that intuition, the knowing that God is telling you to follow your calling in life. If we don’t follow our calling it seems to keep pushing us to do it and we never are complete if we do not act on it. I had a hard time figuring out what that meant. I had no idea of what I was meant to do with my life; I did not know what my purpose in life was. I went through life just hanging on with threads. Now I am enjoying life and I believe that my calling is to spread love to others and let others know there is a life after hell. That’s why I am writing this book. I am looking forward to my future. We can help lead each other to the love of God, which is within each and every one of us. I was always looking for God I wanted to be a follower; I thought to myself, “When I find God I will follow Him.” I came to believe that God has been with me and I did not have to find Him. I just had to let myself trust and just be, and listen to the love of God from within me; I would keep saying to myself, “It is normal to not trust something we cannot see.” I asked myself, “How could I trust something I cannot touch, see, or smell?” Then I thought to myself, “I already do see God, I smell God, and I have touched God many times and I did not even realize it.” I see the beauty of His creation. I smell the flowers everyday. I also touch God every time I touch a rose or hug another human being. When I thought of it that way it helped me keep my trust, when I get into doubt I have to remind myself how God is every where, and I can see, smell and touch God. I do every day. As a child I noticed those things more often, as I grew older it seemed all the beauty I used to notice, I did not notice, now I am grateful. I can be childlike. I am in awe of God it is such a gift to be able to know God is all and we’re a part of God, what a gift we have.
Things That Remind Me of God:
The thought of the moon and the stars at night, remind me of God. The sun that rises every morning to start my day, the flowers and trees, all of nature is God letting me know that God is here with me each and every day. The feeling I get in my heart when I look into a little child’s eyes, or a newborn baby, those feelings are showing me that God is within me. We are never alone, if you start to feel alone remember the face of a loved one, or look out side, or just look within. You will find God everywhere.
I listen to music and think of the gift of God. God gave the singers voices like Angels; God gave talent to the violinists, to the drummers, and all the musicians, what a gift they have. When I watch a Ballet dancer I think of the beauty God gave them, to be able to express their love of God through beautiful movements. A writer who expresses their love through writing is a gift from God. A Doctor who wants to help others in sharing their love is a gift from God. God gave each and every one of us love, and gifts. So count your gifts and enjoy them, you deserve it. Follow your calling; listen to the intuition that tells you, “I am God, we are one.”
I have experienced when I make friends with my thoughts I become more peaceful, my thoughts happen when I do not plan to think. I wake up in the morning and I am thinking. I am not saying, “Ok now I will think!” It just happens, and sometimes my thoughts our not positive. I am finding out, if I make friends with my thoughts, if I meet my thoughts with understanding and love, then my thoughts seem to change. They are calm, and positive. It is funny; sometimes I have a conversation with my thoughts. I have to or my head is a dangerous place to visit. Since I am spending a lot of time in my head I have to think positive. Thoughts are like children, they think what they want to think, and that is that. So I say, “Stop! I do not need to hear that, if you’re going to think, you think good thoughts or shut up.” Seriously, I have to talk like that to myself other wise my old thinking won’t stop. I have lived with my old thoughts for so long that they keep popping up reminding me they’re still with me.
I have work to do every day in order for me to keep this serenity and peace that is in my life. If I make friends with my thoughts, then my words change to be more loving and compassionate, then I become a more loving and peaceful person. My thoughts love to tell me I am no good. I am good. So I have to continue on this path and shut my thoughts up. Thoughts create; I am creating positive, loving people in my life, I am creating myself to be full of abundance with love. We are sharing this to the world that is what we really are supposed to do if we take the time to work on ourselves and remember who we really are. We are love. Just be and enjoy being the best you can be.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved

Chapter 10

"Life is a Banquet"
Have you ever thought of life as being like a banquet?

A friend of mine, a minister told me think about it. Life is like a banquet. We can pick and choose what we want in life and how we want it, we have free choice. It made sense to me. Now if you mention banquet I think of food, and I love food, so she got my attention there.

I really thought about what she said. Let’s use our imagination ok? Think as if you were invited to a party. They tell you the party is for a special friend. Think big now; use your imagination on how you want the house to look and the room decorated and how you like the tables to look. What kind of food do you want? Ok, now you have your most beautiful outfit on, if you’re a lady, you’re like a Queen, if you’re a man; you’re like a King. Everyone there is being treated just like you. You are all equal.
Now you enter the house it is beautiful, the house is exactly how your imagination wants that house to look. You walk in and everyone is welcoming you and hugging you, they’re saying how happy they are to see you. You are smiling from cheek to cheek, and hugging everybody. Now you walk into the Banquet room. It is just like what your imagination wanted. You sit down and talk with friends and they let you know you can go to the table whenever you like and take whatever you want. You smile and say, “Thank you,” you decide to go to the beautiful table and take a look at the beautiful set up. They have everything you can imagine, from veggies, to the most fattening meal you can think of. The most wonderful deserts, you can imagine. They have the healthiest food, the gooiest food, and they have the tartest food, the sweetest food and the spiciest food. They even have mild food. What will you choose? Think about it and know you can choose anything you want and you can go back for more, there is no end. They will never run out of any of the food or drinks. Anything you want to have, they will have it there for you, hot and waiting on a plate and it will be all fresh just for you. So now all you have to do is take what you like. Decide on whether you like to start with something light or something more filling, the choices are all there. Do not worry what people think, they are all there for the same reason as you are, to enjoy the party; they are all there with you. You are waiting for the special guest of the party. You wonder why they are all getting food and eating because you do not see the guest of honor. You are thinking how rude they are for not waiting for the guest. You see each person going to the table one by one, some are just walking to the table looking around to see if someone is watching them walk up to the table and some are just going up to the table and are not caring of who is watching. Now you think ok, I guess the guest is late and since everyone is eating I will eat to.
Now you walk up to the table, what do you want? Think about it? You can have something light or not, spicy or not, mild or not, so you think you want something light because you’re on a diet. Or is it because you think people are thinking about you eating and you’re fat, or you think that they are thinking you’re skinny and you’re eating to show off how you can eat and be thin. Don’t think just enjoy yourself. Take what you want and do not worry if you’re skinny or fat just enjoy your time. Now say you have your plate with what you want on it and you sit down. Some people around have eaten already some are eating and some have not decided to start to eat yet. Because they are worried that you may think they are fat or thin and showing off. So you see some fat happy people that do not care and they’re having a good time and some thin people having a good time. You see all different kinds of people and some are worried that you are thinking of what they’re eating and some do not care what anyone is thinking. Now you are wondering who the guest of honor is, you were told the person was very special and you do not see the person there. You keep looking at different people and think maybe that thin beautiful lady is the person, or maybe that attractive man is. Or maybe that fat lady is because you feel sorry for her and want her to be the special one. Your mind is going on and on about whom that special person is. By this time your food is getting cold because you were thinking about where that person is and you did not have a bite of your delicious plate sitting in front of you. Now you have a headache and you have created all of this in your head. So you say to yourself, “ok, I will eat now” so you start to eat, you realize it is cold and the cold food is warm and you do not want to eat it. You remembered that you could change what you choose so you go back to the table and look for the trash to put the food in and there is no trashcan that you can see. You’re wandering around looking for the trashcan, instead of just asking someone you walk around for twenty minutes.
Then someone next to you notices you are looking for something and asks you what you’re looking for, you say, “The trashcan.” They tell you don’t worry about that just take what you like if you choose something and change your mind it is ok you can make your choices and change as many times as you like. So you get something else, no problem, the only problem was the problem you created in your head with thinking about the trashcan, and who thinks you’re thin or fat, and who is thin, and who is fat, and your mind was still on who the guest of honor is that is what you created in your thoughts. Your food got cold and your mind was not in the moment. Now you walk up to the person that you think is special in the room and you ask them. “Are you the lady the party is for?” The lady who you thought was special said, “No you are the special lady that the party is for. I thought you knew that.” See how our minds work? The party was for you. You did not think it would be for you, you thought it was for someone else.
Life is a Banquet we can pick and choose what we want in life and we can take fresh healthy choices or we can have hot and spicy choices and we can have mild and sweet and add a little tart to our lives. It would be kind of dull if we had only one choice and nothing else if life were all-full of healthy veggies good for you but we need variety we need a little protein and a little starch and little fruit and even a little spice in our life. Some of us choose more spice than not or more health veggies than tart or more sweet than mild. It is our life it is our banquet. The Banquet of life is for a special person. You’re the special person. God made this life for you.
The reason you did not see that you were the guest of honor is because you were too busy thinking and not being open to see what really was going on. I find that is my story. I would go around thinking about who is who and what others think of me as if I am so important that all others do is think of me. I love to have the gooiest food but I would have been the one that would not take what I love because I was always in to what others think about me. I do that sometimes. I am getting better, it is all life, we have the choice and we can enjoy life, we do not have to care what others think. Let them think what they want we just have to be in charge of what we think. You are important and your thoughts are a part of you, if we think of who and what others are thinking then we are not in the now and we cannot enjoy life to the fullest. As I have mentioned before we can make friends with our thoughts and have happy thoughts not negative ones, it is our choice. It is your choice. Now that you have had your Banquet what will your choice be in tomorrows banquet? Everyday is a Banquet, actually every minute is because we make choices every moment and we create through our choices.
My choice for now is to love and be myself. I like myself when I am myself and not putting on an act. It took me a while to be myself. I was so used to being anything except myself. When I think about it I was being everything that I thought I had to be so I would be liked. I was just like the story in the Banquet even though it really is not a story it is just an example of what choices we do have and we can change our choice any time and start our day over anytime. Life is similar to the Banquet it is for me. I have chosen that and I did not even know I was choosing. My actions chose and my thoughts chose the way my life was. Now that I choose to have more compassionate and loving thoughts and loving myself, I have loving people around me. I do have a little sweetness and spice in my life because I like it. We can choose, I choose to have variety and love in my life. What a freedom we have. What a gift!
You know the saying; Life is what you make it? You made your bed so lie in it? Life is what we make it, we can change we can make it one-way and then decide to make it different. We do not have to stay in a mess for good. If you made your bed and you do not like the way it is, you have the right to change it. So if there is something in your life that you want to change, go for it. That is what life is about, change and love. So don’t think just because you have something in your life you’re stuck with it. If it is really bothering you, change it, you have the right to change it. We are not stuck with any thing in life unless you choose to be stuck with it. It is your choice. Love is there, grab on to love. Love is God, grab on, and let God use you.
One thing in life that will never change is “change” we can depend on that. We are born and then we grow and change our thoughts change and our ideas change. Some people change for the good and some change and seem to be going back words, but in reality they are not they are just changing. Seems that in life when we start to depend on someone or something it changes, and we have to go with it and accept it. I am grateful for change in my life or I would not be where I am today, I hope I keep changing for the positive. We all can help one another to change and be at peace with change and know when it seems rough it passes and life continues to go on no matter what. People come and go in our lives people leave footprints in our lives, enjoy the changes and know the changes are blessings, Changes are ways of getting rid of old and adding new in our lives. The more we grow, the more we change. It would be terrible if no one changed that would mean no one has grown. I try to look at change as God’s way of cleaning house; we need to change so we can make room for new ways, new ideas and more variety in our lives. Think about it if there was no change in life then we would never grow up and never experience, change is important in order to live a full life. We need to live a satisfying life, filled with beauty, wholeness and peace and so it is.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 11

“ Dreams Come True if You Believe ”

Dreams can come true if you believe and are willing to do the footwork. There are some dreams we don’t have to work for just honestly believe. I have wanted many things in my life and I got a lot of wanting. I was not able to get what I wanted because I wanted it; I had to get to the point of choosing it instead of wanting. I had to be willing to accept that God, the Spirit from within, supplies everything for me. So I got to a point in my life of not wanting and I started believing that I have everything. I had to believe I deserved it and I am a child of God, so I get everything. Actually everything is already here for us we just do not always see it because we are not open or willing enough to remember. I believe the soul is what helps us remember we already have it. I am experiencing dreams that have come true. Dreams that are true so in reality there not dreams at all, they were here for me the whole time and they continue to be here for me for eternity. I did not believe it until now. One dream that I thought was impossible, was I wanted to stop drinking and drugging, I thought I never would be able to stop. I did as you have read from previous chapters, I am very grateful to be clean and sober. When I started writing this book I was almost 6 years sober and now time is continuing. I believe we can do anything we truly believe in.

My other dream was to get married and stay married and have the marriage be peaceful, loving, and secure. I have never been able to stay in relationships and get along. I have been in many relationships in my life, the easy part was getting the person, and the hard part for me was keeping the person. I had what is called a broken picker; I picked the wrong men, I was attracted to the wrong men, because I had such a low opinion about myself. In order for me to feel good about myself, I chose men that were like me or acted worse then I. What I mean is I thought of myself as a no good druggie, so the men I chose to be with were also druggies, and very violent. I never thought I would ever be able to be happy with a man. I am happy now, and we have been together since 1996. I love him we have grown a lot together, and he has a lot of patience and love and understanding with me. He is older then I, I think that maybe one reason why he has a lot of patience. We have a life together and we let each other be who we are, he lets me be me, I am letting him be himself. I laugh because in the beginning of our relationship, I was the one who tried to be the boss. He let me think I was in charge; it is a joke I have with him, to be honest there is not a so-called boss, and no one is in charge. We have our relationship and we have our freedom meaning I do not own him. He loves me unconditionally, which is the way God loves us. Today God is in charge of our relationship, if it were not for my relationship with God, I would not have this gift.
Another dream I thought I would not have is to go back to school. I did not like school when I was a child, I did not finish school. I thought I was not smart and because I thought that, I did not act smart. I did go back to school, little by little my dreams have turned into my seemingly unreachable goals and I am able to experience what I want to experience in this journey called life. Because I believed and I stopped wanting. I am receiving the gifts that have been available to me the whole time. I am now in the ministry with God all things can happen.
Another dream I had was to be at peace with myself and not be angery and in fear. I was my worst enemy; I hurt myself more than anyone ever has. I was full of self-hate, as you have already read about in previous chapters. Today I am at peace with who I am most of the time. I know that God is within and I am with God.
This book started out as a dream. I wanted to write a book about my life. Notice I said I wanted and that is what I got, a lot of wanting to write a book. This was before I got sober. At that time I was too busy drinking, expressing myself through alcohol and wanting many things and getting a lot of wants. Then as I got sober and started to believe in myself, I started to change myself, I became willing to take myself through a different direction in life. Then the idea of writing a book turned into a project. I stopped wanting the book and started writing the book. As time went on my dream of writing a book came true. I asked the Spirit within for the willingness to continue my dream in writing a book; I thought I needed more courage. I realized I just needed to believe and trust and again stop wanting. I had to believe that the Spirit of God within could fulfill this dream.
The house we live in started as a dream, it goes to show how we don’t have to dream, we can receive what we perceive as a dream. We find out it is real, not dreams anymore. Dreams are truth; we just do not always see them as being real.
I believe our dreams can come true if we believe, ask and we shall receive. I think because we are human we don't always see that the things are right there in front of us, we seem to have other things going on in our heads. God the Spirit does provide we just have to believe, ask and honestly seek what is given to us. For that I am grateful. I feel this way because of the pain I went through in life. I have talked to many people who spent hours with me to help me. They were able to help me forgive myself, and go on with my life. I believed with all my heart that dreams come true with trust, belief and willingness. I believe we can loose our dreams if we are no longer willing, stop believing, and stop trusting. That is why I have to take it one day at a time and I have to let God help me. In the end I believe it is only God and I so what I make of my life, the money and all the material things are gifts. I might as well enjoy them as a gift from God. They will not go with me when I pass over into a new experience. Life is a gift and I believe all the other things here on earth are the frosting on the cake the extra gifts we receive while we experience this journey. Meaning people, places and things, relationships and money and all the wonderful things are extra icing on the cake for us to enjoy. I have received many gifts frosting on the cake. I have also lost gifts and received new gifts. The greatest gift I have received in life was the gift of desperation the gift of surrendering and getting sober one day at a time.
We were born with everything. We are whole beings, with Spirit, soul and body. What a gift we have. When I think of life as a journey of believing more, expressing and, remembering more of what we were given from the beginning, it helps me deal with the human things in life better.
I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I can be in this world but not of the world if I choose to. Like the masters were in the world but not of this world. They thought, felt, laughed, and cried. They were human just like we are. They chose to act more like the God within them and they chose to react to the normal things of the world differently than some of the people in the world. I believe we all can get to that point, depending on how willing and trusting we are. Also depending on how we stop wanting and just trust and remember who we are. I think we all have the potential to, just some of us choose not to. Who knows maybe some of us have been there and choose not to for now in this journey of life? I do not know if we lived as humans in past experiences. I think about it often. I have wondered if we will again. I guess it is all in what the soul remembers and the spirit chooses to express in our next journey. I think it is all in what we choose we have the ability to create and choose and we all have our own ways of choosing how to expressing the love of God within. We have free will and we have the choice to express it in many ways. I chose to re-choose and that is why I am doing what I am doing now. I am changing the way I am wording things. I catch myself using certain words like wanting and needing. I do not need or want because God has already given us all the things we think we want or need. I went through my life wanting and needing so I got exactly what I created a bunch of needs and wants. Now I don’t need or want them I choose them and I have them. Some I chose to have at different times in my journey through life, some I have chosen earlier in this journey.
We have it all. God has supplied all for us. We just have to choose to accept it. So it is ours as we believe and choose. I love life today it has taken me many choices to get to this point. I do not believe we all have to go through all the same experiences in life. This life is your life and you can live it the way you choose. God is within you so you are never alone. Life is full of experiences and choices, we can choose to make different choices and create our lives the way we choose. We can react differently so we can choose differently. We can make life enjoyable if we choose to. It is up to us. That is the wonderful gift of free will we have.
Life is like a garden if you want to have a garden you choose what you want to grow in the garden, you choose what plants you want and then you plant it with seeds, water it and that is the food of life. God supplies the sunshine, air and the rain we supply the loving care extra water and sometimes-extra food to add more life to the plants. We pull the weeds out so the plants can grow tall, healthy and strong. Life is like that when we want to achieve a dream, we choose what to pursue, then we feed it with willingness, love and trust like the garden, God supplies the rest. We also have to pull the weeds we have that are in the way of our dream. When we think negative, we need to get the thought out of our heads; the negative thoughts in the head are like the weeds in a garden. So let’s help each other pull the weeds out of our garden called life. A dear friend told me that story about life. I related to it. I thought I would share it with you.
When I got sober I was told life was full of pain and just because we get sober, pain continues. I thought to myself, oh man, now what do I do. Then I continued to experience pain in sobriety because someone told me I would be in pain. I was real desperate to change. I was told I did not have to stay in pain; I can change my reaction to it, as my understanding of God within grew, I began to trust the love of God within then I had faith. That was when I realized that I did not have to react to pain as pain. I could react to it as simply experience and then my path became lighter. I am grateful for this. My life had been full of pain. I reacted to it with anger and rage. The pain felt worse. Today I feel a lot less pain and it seems to get less and less like it is disappearing. There are times when I remember past events in my life and then the pain returns momentarily. So it depends on my attitude on what is going on in my life at the time. Life goes on but we can change how we accept life and if we are in pain, we can let go of it if we really choose to, take that pain and turn it into something beneficial.
Take a torn down house, one that has holes in the walls with broken doors and is really run down, we can take that house and change it, make it look new. The house needs a little of our loving care, like people, we need to love each other and be kind. If we react differently towards people, give some kindness and know that they are human with feelings, even though they may look run down; we can help someone by letting them feel wanted and loved. Love can change all. There are some people that do not choose to let us love them, we may not be able to give them love, and so what we can do is love them from a far. I have experienced that, loving from a far. Send positive thoughts and let the power of God take care of the rest. We cannot always make someone accept our love. All we can do is spread love and those who choose to receive love, will feel it, those who don’t, oh well, they may in time. One thing I have learned from experience is not to force love on anyone. I have tried it does not work it just causes more pain. Life is adventure; a wonderful journey so let’s all enjoy it.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 12

“Prayer And Meditation.”

Prayer to me is talking to God, when I was desperate and willing to let go of my will. I asked God to help me. I did not say all the beautiful prayers I learned, I just simply said, “God help me,” I said it with every fiber of my being. I was drinking and miserable. I finally got honest and asked for help. I talked to God, I said, “If you’re there, help!” I was in darkness. I was loosing my faith. I was willing to do anything to get help. I believe that was the beginning of my journey. I stopped looking for God, I started going within, I realized God was not lost, I was. I began to get the understanding that God loves me know matter what, that I am God’s child and God does provide everything. This understanding did not happen over night, but as time went by it started to click within me. I felt as if it had happened over night once it happened. In reality it took me about three years in sobriety until I believed that God loved me and I knew it within my being. As time went by at about my fourth or fifth year of sobriety, I started to trust, to feel, and experience more. I believed and trusted God more my prayers were more intense. I began to establish a friendship with God. God grew to be more than just a best friend. God became everything.

When I remember to keep my mind at a blank and forget all that I think I know about God then my mind is more at peace, and I am able to pray and meditate in a peaceful state of mind. A friend of mine shared this with me, he said before I wake up in the mornings to pray and meditate, to do this: “Draw a blank in your mind and then seek, when at that blank; that is when you are the closest to the power, the greater intelligence. You have to forget all you think you know of God. Each day wipe the slate clean in your head. Wake up with a blank slate and start again. Forget everything anyone tells you. You are, I repeat you are a part of the greater, higher intelligence. You must draw on it, appeal to it. Forget the bible and everything out of your head for that moment and just be and let the Spirit take you let the greater intelligence take over and guide you.” When I was told this, it helped me realize how little I know about God, and at the same time how much I feel God. It is such a blessing to feel the Love and know that there is so much more Love to feel from God that this is only the beginning. Every time I share or write about my experiences in life from the Love of God I realize more and more how much I know and at the same time how much I don’t know. It is a wonderful experience in this life we all share together.

Prayer helps me, I ask in prayer for God to carry me. I ask for my highest good to be done. I asked God to show me what actions I need to take to realize my highest good for all. I believe God provides for us. God is all and has all. All we have to be is willing! Believe and be ready to ask God and be ready to do some footwork and we will receive.

When I was young my grandpa died. I was told I was one years old when he passed over. I used to ask could grandpa hear me if I talk to him? I used to talk to my grandpa. Now as I think back, I see it was God the whole time. God was there answering my prayers when I did not even know for sure if I believed in God or not. Prayer, I think is talking and expressing love to the spirit within, I use prayer not only to ask for help, but to thank God for everything I thank God for being me. I not only believe God gives us everything, but also if we remember to be thankful for what we have received from the power of God within, then we feel the love of God within. I am the place where God shines through and I am grateful for being able to be open enough to realize that. We all are the place where God shines through.
Meditation is listening to the Spirit of God; I believe we get answers from God when we meditate; there are many ways to meditate. I prefer to meditate to music, or have someone walk me through a meditation. I have been to meditation groups we are guided through a variety of meditations. In the beginning, when I started to meditate, I read a lot. That was meditation for me. It was relaxing and at the same time I enjoyed it. I would read spiritual books; there were meditations in those books so it helped me calm my mind. I had a hard time quieting my mind, it took me about three or four years in sobriety to just get to the point to be willing to meditate.
I would try over and over to meditate, and then I would give up. A Priest at a retreat I attended explained to me that there is no right or wrong way to meditate. He said meditation was like any other thing in life. The more we get in the habit of practicing it, easier it becomes. He said to just take two to five minutes out of each day and be quiet and breathe, he said, as I start to feel more comfortable in meditating then I can add more time to the meditation. I am practicing it and it is becoming easier. Now I enjoy it. It is relaxing and when I cannot seem to shut my mind down, I breathe in and out, I feel each breath and I believe that each breath is cleaning my soul. I breathe in Love health and abundance, I breathe out anger sickness, and resentments, fear. I believe when we are quiet, and listen to our breathing and let the thoughts flow out of the body, we can become one with God. That is when the light of God can shine through us.
It is like cleaning the instrument that God uses. We are the instruments. We need to take time to clean our minds and just let the love of God flow through us. I have been getting more involved in meditation. I started meditating in 1999, as time went by, I got more into meditating. I have experienced a calming and peaceful feeling within myself. I still have my mind going in all different directions at times. When that happens I concentrate only on the breathing and keeping my slate clean wiping every thing out of my mind especially the things I think I know about God. I have meditations I just breathe, and then I concentrate on my breathing. I like to just close my eyes, sit, breathe and do my own meditation. I imagine myself floating in the ocean, just ocean, God and me. It makes me feel relaxed and I imagine myself feeling the waves across my body, I feel the cool water, I taste the salt in the water and it begins to really feel as if I am really in the ocean moving with the waves.
My imagination is a good place to reflect on my goals and in the meditation, I imagine as if they are really happening now. I meditate on how I would feel once my goals evolve. Some of my goals that have already evolved were just as good or better than my imagination thought I would feel. Those goals became real because I took what maybe called imagination, made it real by believing I could experience that and it has happened. Like the previous chapter about dreams come true, they really do come true. That makes dreams a reality. I found out I have to be very careful of what things I imagine happening in my life. I have to be careful of what I ask for. I believe life says yes and God will provide for us and so I have to be careful of what I am wanting in my life on what I want to happen because some of those things have consequences. I have to ask myself is this the kind of experience I want in my life. I laugh because I have experienced some things that have happened and I was not thrilled with the consequences and I lost some of those things that happened in my life. So usually I just go with the Flow of the Spirit God’s will not mine.
I love nature. One of my meditations is: trees and a lake and squirrels and birds are surrounding me. I enjoy that surrounding. I meditate on breathing in and out and think as if I am standing in the middle of the lake on a boat. I can see everything around me. One thing with going in to my meditations and exploring deep in the meditations, is that it helps me get out of myself my human self, at the same time it helps me get to know myself the real me. I believe it helps me get out of me. Some people call it the lower self, as we get out of that lower self we get to meet the higher self, which I believe is the Spirit, the God within.
I have been in my own prison my whole life. I believe meditation is like the key to opening my prison, it helps me get out and I get to meet the real me. I am willing to continue exploring more and letting the love of God within come out.
Meditation helps with stress. When I feel stressed. I take time out to be quiet, breathe and focus on something other than the stress. I focus on my dog, Serenity, I will breathe and watch Serenity; he helps me stay in the moment. I believe animals are one of the greatest teachers by helping us stay in the moment. Sometimes I go outside and focus on the beautiful sky that helps me relax. Also walking meditations are nice. Walking is healthy and brings joy to me. I find, depending on my moods that my meditations change. There is one way I meditate that does not change that is when I sit still being one with God, putting myself in His arms or being on a boat helps me to be still. I do that often. Sometimes I go through spurts of walking meditations, and sitting on the steps outside my apartment. I love to hear other people’s ways of meditation. I believe it does not mater how we meditate. God loves us no matter what, meditation I believe brings us closer within and so we can feel the love stronger. I have met some people who say their whole life is in a state of meditation and so they do not make time in there day to meditate. I believe that is possible there has been times I have felt that I have felt the meditative state all day long and did not meditate so it shows me the God is within and when we are relaxed and free God does shine through us. I am not one who does anything the same way I believe there is no right way or wrong way on how we get in a peaceful state of mind. I have met people who don’t believe in meditation or God and they are at peace within themselves.
I started a journal in 1995 when I got sober. I would write about my thoughts and ideas. I found that was a way of meditating. I did not realize that as I was doing it. Journals are a great way to express feelings. I was not into expressing myself at that time so I wrote in my journal off and on. Now I enjoy writing I just don’t call them journals I just write and that is how this book came to be just writing my thoughts and putting them together through the years.
The next time you have a minute, if you are in traffic or in line at the grocery store, or in the bathroom, just take a moment to listen to the sounds around you and just be. Let the Love of God flow through you. I find that even just taking a few breaths calm me down and get me centered. If I am having a lot going on in a day with a lot of stress, I just remind myself that God is on and so God will take over my day. I do that because it is my way of letting go and letting God. When I was going through the court system and I would get into fear I would say ok, “God you’re on I am on vacation.” Of course I was in the room talking, I was mentally letting God give me the words and I was His instrument. I have been in many situations when I had to completely let go and get out of God’s way. I believe meditation is away of letting go and letting God, it works for me when I really let it work. Also it helps me sleep and get rest, reading helps to. Sometimes listening to soft music calms me down. I can feel the love of God from the music. Who knows maybe meditation is helping me just because I believe it does. When I really think about it if thoughts create and beliefs work then this is working for me only because I think and believe it works. What I share in these chapters may not work for you but it has been working for me up to this point. Some days I don’t even meditate, I just say: “Ok God you are on I am on vacation” and at the end of the day I say:
“Thank you God good night.”
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 13

“Prayer Treatment.”
Some people I have spoken to, have spoken about prayer treatment.
Prayer treatment? What is that? “I thought to myself.”

I never knew what it meant. After talking about it and really learning about it I realized I had been treating my prayers since the beginning of my sobriety I just did not know what I was doing. Once I got an understanding of God and believed, I was using treatments and I did not know it. I got sober and got in to the Twelve-Step program as a time went by, I started to trust and believe in God. I was told to thank God for the things I have, and to thank God for the things I will be getting. I wondered to myself, “To thank God for something I do not have?” To say thank you before I received them? I did not understand, I was willing to listen, at that time I thought it couldn’t hurt so I thanked God for the house I was going to get. At that time I had a belief in God, I experienced some awakenings and I believed with all my being that there is a God. I was in the early part of the relationship with Phil. We were living in a small place with his father. So for about two years we looked and thanked God for the house we were getting. I got a little uneasy because it did not happen over night. I wanted to find a house right then and there. I laugh now because if I truly am going to get something and if I believe it is from God then I have to stay out of God’s way. If God gives us gifts it is God’s doing not mine. If I am to busy in God’s way and trying to get things done the way I want, not honestly believing that the things I choose in life are from God then the time seems to drag on. I get this feeling that I know it will happen and when I let go and get out of God’s way, stopped being negative, then we bought a house. This shows me that we get what we believe in; when we honestly let go of ourselves and let God take over. I was too busy complaining about how long it was taking because we would go and look at houses and when I gave up and enjoyed where I was living, instead of thinking how I hated where I lived and thanked God for what I have instead of what I do not have, the new house happened and we moved in within four months. So from the time we started, it took two years but from the time I shut my mouth and just trusted and was grateful, it took four months to move in. That is what treatment is about, thanking God and knowing God supplies.

Prayer Treatment:

Prayer Treatment is basically something you can write or think about as you are in your prayer. I write it and then sometimes I just think it, and it becomes part of prayer. Treatment is done after you believe in a Higher Power, call it what you choose but once you honestly believe, you realize that God is all. Once you realize this then you realize you have all, you thank God for everything and then you release it to God or the universe whatever you choose to call your higher power then it is so.

Here is an example of some steps I use in Treatment.
Five steps in Treatment:
These are examples not the way you have to do it, there is no right or wrong it is all in what you believe, this is what I believe. We all have are own way of understanding God. This is my understanding.
1) Knowing and understanding God within myself: God is all, I am the place where God shines through, God is prosperity, God is unconditional love, God is peace, God is abundance, God is giving, God is wonder.
2) Unifying with God, believing I am one with God: In this step I repeat all in step one except I put I am instead of God. Here is an example: I am all, I am one with God, I am prosperity, I am unconditional love, I am peace, I am abundance, I am giving, I am wonder.
3) Realizing that I have all: Here is an affirmation, this is an example of how I knew I had my house before I got it. This is basically how I write an affirmation.
I am usiing our house as an example.
Example: I have my house. I am living in my house and I am grateful and happy. I am spreading the love of God. I am staying in the moment and being the best I can be. I have peace I have unconditional love. I have prosperity. I have wonder within, I have abundance, and I have all. So basically this step three is writing what you want to have and instead of wanting. You write it as if you have it already saying, I have. It is a way to comfort myself and it has been working for me for three years now since I started to believe. I started to write it this way about six months ago.
4) Thanking God, your Higher Power who ever you choose as your Higher Power:
5) Now you write I thank God for the house, I thank God for being grateful and happy. I thank God for giving me the love and strength I need to spread the love of God. I thank God for being within me so I can stay in the moment and be the best me, I can be. I thank God for the peace I have. I thank God for the unconditional love I have. I thank God for prosperity. I thank God for the childlike wonder I have within myself. I thank God for abundance, I thank God for all. I thank God for the future to come.
6) Release: This is simple and to the point. I just, “Let go and Let God take it God it is all yours.” So it is.
That is a written Treatment I choose to use I see many ways of writing treatments. Some are just in the mind; some people write I do both depending on my trust. If I really trust and know, I just simply say it out loud get it into the universe and leave it and so it is.
When I met Phil, I did that but I did not know I was doing that. I had no idea of what Treatment meant or was, I just knew he was it and I said, “Ok God you choose I won’t push him away or try to keep him.” I got out of God’s way. We were friends at the time and I had a feeling within myself and followed it. I put my trust in God and I got to work within to help myself. I had to get honest with myself and continue to work with my childhood memories of letting go. I concentrated on that and we got together after I was a year sober. I did not have all the trust then as I do now but I had a knowing within myself, I knew Phil was the one for me. The results were up to God. Not many people thought it was a good idea, he was told to wait until I had year in sobriety he did wait. I was told to wait five years I did not wait. I knew Phil for over a year before we got together. I met him when I first got sober. I got sober six months prior. At that time he was a man I met and was a gentleman. I chose to pick a drink up after six months and then when I came back I was ready to stay sober as you read about the Angel in the park. Anyway what I am getting at is if we follow the gut feeling, the intuition, it is God. Phil and I are happy and the people who were not in agreement are in agreement now. Some still like to think they were right but it is what I chose I had to live with my choice not theirs. I was willing to go through whatever the consequences would be. I am grateful I did. The rewards I have are love from Phil, unconditional love as unconditional a human can give. He is truly a gentleman. I am blessed. I believe that was the first intuition I felt and believed, I now follow my gut, my intuitions some times they are intuitions some times they are my own will. That is how I learn. I thank God for having me be open enough at that time to see it and I thank God for Phil.
I thank God for all.
And so it is.
To read the rest of the chapters just scroll down there are more blogs with more chapters on each blog.
Thank you.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.
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Angela

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