"Thank You God"
One Lady's Journey Within.
Welcome Back
Chapters
4-8
Chapter 4
“A Letter For My Birth Mother.”
“An Act Of Love.”
I wrote this letter to my Birth mom in 1999
In 2005 we met and we have a wonderful relationship with each other she is a wonderful lady and God knew when we were ready to meet each other, she also is sober so we have so much in common. At the end of the book I share more about me and my mom. I thank God for this miracle.
Once I accepted that I was ok just the way I am. Then I found her. It seems that is how life is once I surrendered completely and accepted my life just as it is, then the miracle happened, once I get out of my will and Let God’s will take over you never know what can happen in your life. Here is the letter I wrote in 1999 for my Dear Birth mom.
A letter for my birth Mom, I want to let you know you are special in my heart. I have wondered about you all these years. You have been on my mind. If I were able to see you I would give you a big hug, and thank you for bringing me into this world. I would tell you that I am glad to meet you, and I have no bad feelings about being given up for adoption, and I would have a smile on my face. I believe that God had a plan and that is why we are not together, but I also have a wish, and that wish is to meet you. If you were here, it would be like a dream come true. I am going to try to find you. I am searching and have some people helping me. I believe there is a reason for me to find you, because I believe you are special. I am dedicating this chapter to you. I hope you are out there reading this if you are out there. I have been in the process of looking for you. I have not found you and I will not give information on you in this book except I will say, I love you even though we have never met. I will express my feelings for you. I believe people can love each other just because we are human and children of God. I understand that you may not want to meet me. If that is true and I find you and you do not want to meet me it is ok just say so. I would like to ask some questions on health and I would like to know all about you.
If you are not reading this book, then this is for all the birth moms who are out there. I want to send love to all of you who were not able to keep your children for what ever reason, and had to give a child up for adoption or give them up for another reason. I know the feeling because I have a child and my child is not with me. I am writing this because it makes me smile, it makes me feel good as if I were talking to my birth mom. I may never meet you, or see you, but you’re in my heart. I know that the most difficult thing to do is to let go of a child; it is the most un-selfish act of love. What you did was an act of love. I know you did the best for me. I am grateful to be in this life. I have so much love in my life now I want you to know. I am doing well now. Yes, my childhood was not a bed of roses but my life now is beautiful, God has blessed me. I believe we get what we need and I have a wonderful husband and I have a lady friend who is like a mom to me, who loves me. Big hugs.
Angels are watching over you Mom!
Life is what we make it.
So enjoy it. God is love.
Sending Love to you wherever you are Mom.
Some more thoughts that have been in my mind and questions I have had through the years:
It seems as time goes by and I keep in my recovery answers come either from other people, or from within myself, which I believe are answers from God. The hunches I get, the taps on the shoulders, those feelings I get. I believe are answers from the spirit, God. Here are some questions I have had in the past and some answers that have helped me in my life:
Have you ever wondered?
Where you're going? What you’re turning in to?
Why did you're birth mom give you up?
Why were you given this life?
Have you ever thought that if you were not in this life you would be better off, because of the abuse that happened to you?
I have wondered about all of that many times in my life.
I also have realized that life happens and sometimes we have no power over it. I now believe that all of that stuff that happened to me happened not because I am a bad person, not because I am not loved. It happened because people in this life have free will. Also there may be a part of me that wanted to experience that in this life. I believe because of the life I lived, I became a stronger person. I did not have to choose it this way but that is the way I lived it. Now I am a better person as a result of that experience.
I am so grateful.
Why did all this happen to me?
I came to believe that there is no better person to have this experience than I. I am glad I was able to experience my life this way. Now a few years back I would say you’re nuts to say that. Now I say I am grateful for all in my life. I am grateful to be the person who lived my life. I am grateful to be the person I am today. Life is wonderful and life is all about remembering, and experiencing. I believe we can choose to start our days over anytime we want to.
So if you’re having a bad day, change the thought and your reactions to whatever is happening in your day. We can react in positive ways, or a negative ways, it is up to how we choose to react. So please join me in an attitude of Gratitude for today, if not for today how about for this moment.
Thank you God for my life. I thank God for all the things in my life. I came to this life for a reason; I believe God has a plan for all of us. God’s plan is here for you, God’s plan is here for me. I believe we all have God within us. I believe some of us know it, and some of us show the love of God. Some of us don’t want to know it because of the fear within hurts so deep. I know because I know the fear within. I have lived in fear. I wanted to show love. I wanted to feel love. I thought I was not able to because I believed I was not a good person. I now believe I was and am a good person; I believe we all have love. I believe we are all love. We all can spread the love to the world if we choose to. I believe we just do not always see the love we posses. I believe if we get rid of fear, then we can feel love better.
I think of fear as edging God out. So when I am full of fear I have the wall up and cannot let the love of God within me. I thank God for the Love in my life. I thank God for the spirit that is within me and I am thankful for being open now to be able to feel the love and just be. I believe we are what we believe I believe we become what we believe. I was not feeling like I was a good person in my past. I believe it was not that I was not good; it was that I believed I was not good. Because I kept saying I am not good I acted badly. We are good we just do not feel good all the time. I was told God is not junk and I believe we all are a part of God, so we are not junk. We are children of God. We can be one with God if we believe.
May the Spirit of God fulfill you and so it is.
God bless you.
I know God is.
Let the love of God be with you through your journey in life. Enjoy being you, be the best you, you can be. There is no better you than you. I am grateful to be able to be me and I am grateful to express to you all my feelings of life love and God. I never knew who I was and never wanted to. Today I am who I am. I am a child of God who wants to share that, God is love, God is all and we are all a part of this miracle called life. Thank God. God is you, God is me, so let’s all praise each other give someone an encouraging word, and so it is.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.
Chapter 5
“Surrender.”
“With Total Surrender goes the obsession” .
A special friend told that to me. Her story is in this chapter.
I call her “My Earth Angel”.
I believe I have to totally surrender in order to be free. For me surrendering is letting go of everything: people, places and things. Don't get me wrong, I do not mean to sit on my tush all day. What I mean is that there are certain things I have to do to take care of myself, and be responsible. I have to be there for people, if I say I will be somewhere I better be there, if I make a commitment I better show up. If I want a job I better look for the job, God takes care of us but we have to also do some footwork. I have learned I cannot change anyone but myself. No matter how hard I try it always fails. I am the problem my thinking is the problem. If I am trying to work on someone else, all I am doing is running from myself. Helping someone is one thing but trying to change someone and not helping ourselves is when we get into trouble. That is not easy for me, because I seem to like to be in charge. I like things to go my way, but it does not always work out that way. I have realized most things are none of my business because I came to the realization I cannot get into other people’s problems. I know God has a plan for me, and when I stay out of His way things go smoother, and I get a peace within myself. believe nothing changes if nothing changes. I have come to the realization that life is how I react to it. I can enjoy it, or I can destroy it. It is up to me as to how I react to the experiences that happen in my life. I learned the hard way and now I choose to take an easier way. Staying out of God’s way.
This is for my dear friend I call
“My Earth Angel.”
I believe you are My Earth Angel because you have so much love to give others. You are a loving lady, you taught me how to be a lady and how to stand up for myself. You explained to me how God loves me and I am one with God. I believe God works through people. I believe that when the student is ready the teacher does appear. You have had a big effect on my life. I am so grateful to know you. You are an example of God's love. I believe God knew I needed you, because I was so stubborn that I had to be dealt with in a different way. You let me know I am loved by God, and forgiven. You told me all I had to do was let the love of God in. You explained to me that I am a child of God, and I am a human being. You told me God made me human, and gave me free will.
You reminded me that God is with me everywhere I go. I had a hard time accepting that at first because I was so full of fear. I felt God would punish me for all I did. You explained to me that the things I did was the past, you reminded me that God was with me the whole time. You told me that God was walking with me all through my life. You were trying to let me know that my sins were defects of character; you told me that He loves me no matter what. You said God forgave me and God does not make junk. I had to ask myself do I love God? Do I believe in God? How and why does God love me? I was not willing to allow a love of God as you described to me, to love me.
I did not understand how a loving God could ever love me or forgive me. I just did not feel Him or accept Him. I was full of hate. I was so used to being miserable. It took a while for me to accept a loving God and believe with in my heart. My Earth Angel you have been patient with me, and you have loved me until I could love myself. You told me to believe because you believed. You took the place of my mom and grandma; you have so much love to give to people. You have a lot of experience of living life with God. When I got the word from the doctor, August 2000 that you have cancer and have 3 to 6 months to live that tore me apart. I heard the words come from the doctor. His voice spoke I melted and cried. I thought my life was coming to an end. I just turned 5 years sober that week and I was told you were dying. I wanted to go run and hide into my make believe world that I was in as a child, and not feel the pain inside. I had to allow the love of God in and accept what was told to me. At that time in the hospital I was not thinking positively. I was angry, and did not want to accept what was happening. I love you.
My Earth Angel you are alive and still your loving self. I remember when you told me the day we die is the day we win the Emmy for living a good life. That I know! You have won the Emmy. You have been an example to so many people. You have lived a good life. What I am learning from this experience is that life is a journey. Were not here forever, so we better enjoy life and each other. Also we better accept life, and accept death. Death is the Emmy like you have told me and I am so blessed. God is in charge we are
His children. I do not know my future but I do know I am not alone. I never walk alone, unless I choose to. I believe God is a gentleman and He won't force us to do anything or punish us. We do the forcing and punishing to each other and ourselves. We're so blessed. We need to keep our eyes and ears open to see the blessings in this journey called life. When we pass on we will be filled with the love of God.
My Earth Angel you are a wonderful lady you are an example of how to live. You are a shinning example of God’s love. My Earth Angel, you’re a very special person. I am blessed to call you friend and Mom. God always gives us what we need and always takes care of us like you have taught me, and shown me, through your actions. I believe within every fiber of my being, that I am a child of God. God loves me, and is taking care of me. I know that God is with you Earth Angel. I know God is with each and everyone of us. If we ask we shall receive. God is a gentleman and never forces anything.
Let us open the door and let Him in.
He is there waiting for us.
Earth Angel you have been my example and teacher. You loved me for me. You accepted me for me. Because, you love me. I am learning to love others as you do me. My Earth Angel I thank you for loving me, teaching me that God is here. I know we're not here on this earth forever but you will always be in my heart.
I love you. He made you like his Angels.
God performed a miracle, when He made you.
Thank you My Earth Angel.
When I feel alone, I try to remind myself of all the positive things in my life. When I am feeling that there are no positive things in my life that is when I want to run, hide and die, I can't help but remember when I was abused in my childhood and with my ex husband, then I get grateful fast. I am grateful for the people in my life. That understand the pain within, from being abused the hell we lived, and not wanting to live.
One thing that helps me is a gratitude list. I don't always remember to write a gratitude list, but when I do, it helps. So here is a list I would like to share with you.
I am feeling down right now. I want to share with you how I try to change my negative thoughts to positive thoughts. I am grateful for the sun and the rain to help the earth. I am grateful for the so-called negative things in my life that make me stronger and I am grateful for the positive in my life to help me grow. I am grateful for my husband who loves me and lets me be me. He lets me make mistakes and lets me get back up and try again, he is a blessing he has been patient and loving toward me. I am grateful for my Higher Power most of all, because I believe in the power of love, I believe that God’s love works through people. I believe when we are willing and ready the people come to us and we to them. I believe we all work together to help each other grow in this journey called life. The teacher appears when the student is ready. I believe we all are teachers and we all are students at different times in our lives. I am alive and breathing because of that love. God’s love, higher power whatever you would like to call it. I choose to say God’s loving care and feel His arms around me. I believe God is all.
So for that I am full of gratitude and so it is.
Thank you God.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved
Chapter 6 “Life Says Yes”
I believe life says yes to what we ask for, so if I say,
“I am no good” then life will say, “Yes you’re no good” and then I will feel negative and miserable.
If I say, “I am a good person and I am wonderful” then life will say, “Yes you are a good person you are wonderful” and I will feel positive and grateful.
I have felt bad and negative most of my life because I have thought things negatively, and said negative things, especially to myself. I honestly believe, and not only believe, but I have experienced that we create many of the things, which happen, in our lives through our thinking, our words, and behaviors. My actions, words, and thoughts, have gotten me into trouble. Also my actions, words, and thoughts, have saved my life depending on what I did, thought or said. I do not think we create every single thing in our lives, because we do have free will. I have no control of what other people do, say, think; or feel. I only have control in what I do. So if I get hit in the foot by a rubber ball because someone chose to throw it at me or near me, I did not create that to happen to me. The person who threw it created it. What I am getting at is that sometimes things happen in life that is out of our control.
Take for example, my mother and my son chose to not forgive me and they threatened my life. They chose to do their will or they chose to do what they wanted to do. I did not create their actions to treat me that way or react that way. They are creating it and reacting that way themselves they are choosing to treat me that way.
The reason I am bringing this up is because for many years I have wondered if I created what my mother and child are doing. I have come to realize I do not have that kind of power to make someone do something like that. I blamed myself for their actions. I thought at the time I was not a good person so I was being punished. If I continue to react that way and blame myself for what they are doing to me then I will be miserable and to continue be a victim. Now I have decided to rewrite the script in my life, and not let them have power over me. So I am re-choosing the way I react to them.
One thing that has helped me see myself in a better light, accept the good, and start to change the things I needed to change is this letter. I was suggested to write a letter to myself. I wrote a letter to myself in the third person. I had to get out of myself, and out of my ego, my self-hatred and this is what I told myself. Here is an example:
Dear Angela,
I am writing you, to let you know that you are a nice person. I love you, you are a sweet person. You have a good heart and you make me feel good when I am with you. You are always willing to listen to my problems and give me love. I want to let you know something that I see in you. You seem to have a lot of fear going on and you make me want to advise you to let the fear go. Fear can turn into poison and you do not need to continue living that way. I want to hug you and give you love. If you need to cry, cry it is ok to cry on my shoulder. I know you are growing and I am happy for you. I also see that you are afraid to express yourself and I want you to know that I am here for you. I love you. Thanks for being my friend.”
This letter to me is the higher self-talking to the lower self, I believe that we all have God within us so the higher self is God and the lower self is the human side. We all have love to give and we all make mistakes, it's kind of like the child within reaching out for help. The lower self could be considered the child within and the higher self could be considered God loving the child within. I have done a lot of work on loving myself. I am still continuing to do so. feel I have to, in order to get closer to the love within me that I call God. I have to love the child within me, that little girl who was abused and felt unwanted. I had to learn to love her and let her know she is safe. It is working for me. I find many times I felt unwanted and I had to reach within myself and love the little girl within, to me that is letting God love me, so when I do that I love myself.
When I wrote this note to myself, it helped me see the good in me, also the things within me that are blocking me from the spirit. At the time I wrote this letter, I cried and I got a lot out, I rewrote it and in more depth, I wrote it in a safe place and made sure I was comfortable.
I am not a professional. Everything I mention in these chapters are either my experience from doing these things, or my beliefs and trust in God. I was told that by doing this it may help me and it has. People are different, what is good for me, may not be good for everyone but it may help, that is why I am adding this to the chapter. Another experience, which helped me get an understanding of a higher power, was this:
I had a problem with accepting a higher power in my life. I was told to write what I wanted my higher power to be and what my higher power meant to me. I thought that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Guess what I did it, and it helped.
In 1995 my higher power was my best friend and still is, today my higher power is more than a friend. Writing helped me identify this higher power. As time went by my belief expanded. I started to call my higher power, God. I started little by little accepting and loving God. I really believe that God is within, I believe God is all. I believe it does not mater what a person chooses to call the spirit of God. You can choose any name you want, some people I know use the name Universe. I know someone who calls her higher power Buddy. I started out saying God is my best friend and God is love. I use many names for God depending on what I am expressing or what I am feeling at any given moment in time. So whatever a person chooses to use as a name it is still the same, power of God. If a person does not believe in God it is ok with me. I would think they are missing out on a wonderful experience in life without having some kind of higher power or faith. Some people believe the wind is God, I do. I believe we have to be open and not closed-minded. I believe life is an experience and not good or bad, just a learning experience.
The reason I believe this is because of the things that have happened to me in my life. I blamed God and that got me nowhere. I believe we are made in God’s image and at the same time God gave us free will. So my free will caused the negative in my life. My free will was to feel good at any expense. All my life I did what felt good. I hurt anyone a long the way to get my fix. I believe we as humans go through different experiences in life to grow and change. If we get sick and tired of behaving in a certain way, we may stop and change our actions, which we were doing. If we choose to surrender and stop, change and let a power greater than ourselves, like God take over, then we are free. This has been my experience. We do not have to choose the same way of expressing life. I believe we all choose differently in our situations in life in order to grow.
Why do some people act out their whole life negative? And some people change?
I believe because some get tired and grow and some do not instead they continue their actions. I have thought that some people may have been in so much pain that they chose not to experience pain in their lives by not reacting in negative ways.
Have you ever met anyone who had a pain free life?
I have met a person who did not let the things in their life bother them so you could say it was a pain free life. Things happen in life. We can choose how we want to accept the so-called pain in life. We can take it as pain for growth or just experiencing life. It is our choice on how we react to life. Life is life, for me I believe in the end it will be just God and I. No one will love me or take care of me so I have to take care of and love myself. God loves me. God loves you. I believe God is within me, the more I let the God within me out, the more I act and feel better, the more I love myself, the more I can express love to others. I believe it takes time and I am human so I am not doing it perfect. I am not God. Some people take it as if I am saying, “I am God.”
Here is n example it makes sense to me; take for instance, the Ocean, if I take a glass and fill it up with water from the ocean I have a glass with ocean water in it, I do not have the whole ocean, I have a part of the ocean. Also if I take a bucket and fill it up with ocean water I have more ocean water than what I had in the cup. So God to me is within all of us. We all have a part of God within each of us. If I choose a bucket of God, then I have more of God. If I choose to take more buckets then I have more. What I am getting at is that God does not run out. Like the ocean we can take all we want and the ocean won’t go dry it always provides more ocean water. Like the air we breathe, we breathe, we do not worry about how much air we are taking in when we breathe, we just know that the air is there and we all breathe the same air. Have you ever stopped breathing because you thought there might not be enough air to breathe for your next breath? I have not. To me that is God. God has, no beginning and no end.
If we as human beings all let the love of God within us out at the same time we would have the power and the love would be spread throughout the universe at one time. Because we are human and have free will we do not always feel the love of God at the same time I believe if we did let it out at the same time then we would all be one. I believe we choose this experience of being human so that makes us spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe that when we get tired of this human experience, that is when we the Soul gets tired of this human experience then we pass on and become one with God.
You may not agree with all I am saying and I am not asking you to agree, actually I hope you have your own beliefs. I just am letting you know my beliefs and I try to keep an open mind to change because that is how I get to the point of my belief and trust in God. I love to hear other people’s beliefs and how they got to where they are in their lives. I believe there is not a right way or a wrong way to believe. We all believe what we believe and we all can share what we believe with each other. I believe that we just need to find a belief that is comfortable for us. I feel more comfortable within myself than ever before in my life. It may not be right for you but it's right for me at this point in my life. Speaking for myself, I have to keep an open mind and know that I do not have all the answers. I believe that I feel and know God loves me and is within me and if I did not share all my deep feelings and intuitions I would feel I am holding something from within I really enjoy and desire to express my love for God. God is life and so for that I say yes to life and I say yes to God.
One thing I really wanted in life was to be free from the prison of my mind. I was in such a turmoil in my head most of my life. I wanted more than anything to just feel love and feel free.
Here is a poem I wrote in April of 2001.
“Listen and Be Free.”
I believe when we listen we hear the music of God. I believe when we’re still we feel, the beauty of God. I believe we are one with God. Be still, let yourself be. Let yourself be free. Look at the beauty in the world. Look at the sky, look at the birds. Tell me you don’t feel the love of God from the beauty in the sky. Reach out your heart. And let your heart sing with the love of God.
See the beauty and the gifts you receive from God within. Be still. Let yourself be. Let yourself be free. I believe we are one with God. Be still let yourself be. Let yourself be free.
Look at the sky. Look at the birds. Be still let yourself be. Let yourself be free. Believe we are one with God. Listen and hear the music of God. Be still. Be free.
Look at the beauty in the world. Look at the sky, look at the birds. Tell me you don’t feel the love of God from the beauty in the sky. Reach out your heart. And let your heart sing with the love of God. See the beauty and the gifts you receive from God within. Look at the sky. Look at the birds. Be still let yourself be. Let yourself be free. Believe we are one with God. Listen and hear the music of God.
Be still. Be free. Be one with God.
I am blessed to feel the freedom I am feeling lately. I have been letting go more, and more, when I do, I feel much more at peace with myself, I feel free. I have those days when I have to work at it more than some. Today happens to be one of those days I feel free and I am not trying to make any thing happen. I am just being and I love that feeling just to be and go with the flow of God’s love. I really am enjoying putting my thoughts together in this book and I am blessed to be able to even try to do this. When a friend of mine told me I should write a book I said, “No, are you crazy”. I basically started writing this book in 1999. I did not know it was going to be a book. I was writing I put my thoughts and experiences down. I thought it would be good therapy and a good way to improve my typing. I typed the first four pages on a website with two fingers. It was a new experience for me even though I did not know how to type. I wanted to do it. I enjoyed it. I took a keyboard class in school and learned to type. One day I came across someone on the net who had a website and she had a life similar to mine. I read her website, it touched me and it made me think how I am not alone and how we really do help each other by sharing our experiences in life. She shared her life in the website and it touched me. So I emailed her and in time I started to make my own website. There were times I did not write at all and almost gave up. I got impatient and my nerves went awry. I am not a good speller so I use a dictionary then in time I figured an easier way; I was able to use the spell check on the computer. I say I had to learn a lot in my sobriety I am telling you I honestly did. I did not know how to turn a computer on. I was afraid of the computer. I thought I would break it if I touched the wrong button. Then little by little, the one page website turned in to a twenty-five page website. I now love my computer. I am so grateful for this experience I am having in this life.
When I think back about my life, I have received everything I have asked for. That is why I want to be careful for what I ask for. I told myself I was not good enough to do things in life and so I did not do many things. I got what I asked for. I now say I am a good person and I am able to do anything I put my heart into. I am now doing more things in my life. I wanted to get sober so I asked for help and I got help. It is so simple. I made it so difficult. I say I did not do it. I tell people I am sober because of God. I mean God is doing what I cannot do for myself. I generally would be a drunk left up to my own will, negative thoughts and actions. So the God in me is taking over and that is why I am sober. When I get in God’s way I feel negative and feel bad. God is good and if I am a part of God then I am good. I just have to get my human self out of the way of the higher self in order for me to let the Power, the Love of God work through me. I believe the lower self, or say the human self is full of ego, and when I get out of my ego, surrender and let God take over then I do not have to feel as if I am the center of everything. God is the center of everything. I am not the center of the world. I think we, as human beings are so small, compared to the power and Love of God. We are like ants compared to God. We are dots and specs in this universe. If we get out of the way, meaning our ego, then we are part of God. The love we posses is God and God is the center of everything. When I center myself with God then I can work as an instrument of God. I believe we are all instruments; just some of us don’t see it or want to see it.
I believe it is sad when we, as human beings choose not to experience the power and love of God we have within us. I did not want to see or experience it, now I am so grateful I see it and feel it. God is all. Life is God. Life says yes so let’s all re-check what we are asking for in life. Do we really want what we are asking for? One good thing is we can re-choose anytime we choose to and have peace in our lives.
Chapter 7 “Openness And Willingness.”
I was told a story about a man who was trapped in a flood. He prayed to God. He asked God, “Please get me out of this flood safely and I will do anything you want me to.” So a man in a rowboat came by and told the man to get in or you will drown. “No” the man said to the man in the rowboat he said, “No, God is going to save me”. Then a motorboat came along and the man said “Get in you’re going to drown in this flood.” The man again said, “No” “God is going to save me. I asked and He will answer”. So then again one more time God sent a helicopter to the man. The man in the helicopter said, “Get yourself in here now or you will drown.” the man still insisted that God would save him.
So how is this man going to get to safety?
Since he chose to not be open to God’s messengers. The man did not pay any attention to the rowboat he did not notice it was a message from God, even the motorboat and now the helicopter he did not become open enough to believe it was from God. God will be there for us but we have to be open and willing to notice the messengers God sends to us. God can send us messages through many sources it is our job to be open and willing to see them or otherwise we will just continue to be miserable and drown in are own misery.
We have all the tools right in front us. I believe they are God’s gifts to us. We all have the tools we just have to reach out and grab them, and use them, then do what we have to do to get the help we need. I have had many tools in my life, some I have taken and some I have left on the shelf. One tool, which really works for me, is writing, another is the big heavy phone that sometimes can weigh like a thousand pounds depending on how willing I am to pick it up. I have come across many people in my life that I believe were gifts from God. I call them messengers, or Angels.
As I think back in my life I had a friend who tried to get me to stop drinking, he offered to help me. I just ignored him and went my own way did my own will. I see now that I was being watched over; it is like God is with us either from within or through other people. I was not open and not willing at that time to accept a loving God into my life. I think in order for me to feel God’s love from within I have to be real open to the love of God. I used to believe in a God that I loved. I did not believe in a God that loved me. As I think back into my past, I see now that I had a God who judged me, and I loved God only because I feared Him. I now have a God who loves me and I do not fear Him, I am more willing to see, feel, and accept a loving God in my life.
I believe fear is like poison, fear, anger, and resentment; are all in the same category. I have experienced fear, the fear turned into anger, and then into hate, and then it became resentment and that was dangerous, it made me physically sick. I have heard how resentments can kill; now I believe it. I was stressed out and was going through the court with my mother. I became so stressed that when I was sleeping one night, I woke up and thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I went to emergency and found out it was a panic attack. I had the same thing happen at school, the ambulance picked me up from school and took me to a hospital. I was told the same thing it was a panic attack. I have a healthy heart, thank God. Those two experiences showed me how our life is so delicate and how resentments, hate, anger and fear, can destroy a person; it can cause a person to act insane. I believe insanity is a state of mind. Sometimes we humans act insane. We may have thoughts that may be insane we just have to not act on them, change the thought and get help, call someone. Praying helps me, breathing in and out for a period of time. Sometimes when I feel I lost control of my temper, I breathe in and think of the love. I think of the good things that make me happy, then I breathe out the negative things in my life or in my thoughts. I do that over and over, it has helped me a lot, and it calms me down. It is important for me to really watch myself when it comes to my anger, and rage. If I do not continue to keep positive, and ask for help when I need it, I would probably go insane. I think of insanity, as someone repeating the same actions over and over, expecting different results. I have done that many times in my life. I would do an action over and over, fooling myself that it will be different next time. That is just the beginning of insanity. I believe we all could act insane if we choose to. I know I have when I was cutting myself and breaking windows, that was insane behavior, I continued to do that same behavior over and over that is why, I had to get help or I could have surely become insane.
I have been thinking a lot about changes and being open to accepting change in my life. I have gone through many changes since I started a new way of living. Some days are simple, I really enjoy my days, I get into becoming open to the moment, I feel the joy and accept it. Then there are those days that I choose to find it difficult to feel the joy, to become open; and to accept things that happened during the day. I do not really think it is difficult. I believe I make it difficult at times. I had one weekend a few months back that I had such a hard time accepting the things that were happening in my life and I just hit such a depression. I thought I was doomed and because I thought that, I was doomed it made me really think about my thoughts and actions, it took me about three days to let go of what was bothering me. I was going through the same situations as I have been for the last year, with court and all the threats being made, I was feeling down at that particular time in my life and I made it harder on myself. I did not choose to let go. I allowed the situation to take power over me. That weekend I let myself drown in my fears and sorrows. I called someone up and talked to them. I thought about what they told me I was told that sometimes we just feel bad and we have to just do the positive actions even if we do not feel very positive, they called it acting as if. I knew that. I have heard it many times. Act as if, get out of the way, let go and let God. I knew all those things. I have been reminded about those sayings for years. Knowing and doing are two different things, I chose not do the actions and I chose to forget, so that is why I felt so miserable, besides the fact that I am human, humans do tend to make themselves feel miserable at times. I used that saying as an excuse, so I could continue in my poor me mode. I did not have to let myself get so down but sometimes I do. That is why I needed to call someone I can express myself with. I called my friend on the phone. My friend explained to me how I could take advantage of this situation I am going through. She said, “You can change the script in your life and re-write it if you like.” I thought about it for a day or so and then something within me clicked like a light bulb. The light turned on and I started feeling better, I started to react to my situation differently. I am now grateful for the feelings I went through, it is helping me grow into a more positive person. I wonder why some of us choose to make it so difficult. Life is not difficult we make it difficult. I know I do. I am letting go more just being in the now and enjoying the moments I have in life.
Life seems way too precious to just let it pass on by, I do not know when this journey in life will end so I can go to another experience. I would like to live and enjoy this experience to the fullest. In order for me to enjoy life to it’s fullest, I better be acting different. I have to be on guard and make sure I present myself in a more positive way. I try to be a positive and uplifting person. If I want to continue to re-write my script and re-choose my actions to the situations that occur in my life, I have to be on guard with myself and ask myself questions like: Am I really choosing to react differently? Or am I just talking? I have seen too many people talk, they sounded wonderful; when I meet them they come across as if they are a different person. Their talk did not match their walk. I have to be honest; I have been a victim of just talking and not walking my talk. My excuse was hey! I am human so give me a break! I wanted to change that part of me. I have been working a lot on doing and acting not just saying and talking. A dear friend of mine told me a while back that when I share a part of myself with others I should share from my heart. I was told to talk about what I have experienced in life talk my truth, not what I think sounds good. I am grateful for her in my life she has helped me tremendously. She told me, “Do not talk just to hear yourself talk;” she said, “Anyone can do that.” She explained to me how life is a gift and how we can add to this gift from sharing ourselves with each other by talking from within, the truth, which lives within. Life is such a gift the more I stay in recovery, and not just recovery in my addictions, but also recovery in my life by changing my ways. I am becoming more peaceful and content with myself. I am getting to know myself better, for that I am grateful.
We are never alone. God is within and I am with God. I am now beginning to see and feel it more and more. It was an awesome experience when I completely felt God within me. I will hold that experience close to my heart; I felt warmth and a love that I never felt before. I was about three years sober when I got to a point in my life I was willing to let God in. I let go of the fears I had of the punishing God upstairs keeping score and watching me to see if I was bad or good like Santa Claus. I accepted that God loves me no matter what I have done and I am a child of God. I got a feeling within as if I was out of my body and could touch the face of God, it was a warm and extremely calm feeling. I have experienced that same feeling since and it has become more intense. Seems to me that when God is involved, the feelings get more intense. This shows me that God is the Supreme Being of the Universe. In my eyes God is all. This makes life simpler and less worrisome for me when I let go and let God.
I believe God loves us equally. God and I are one and if we choose to be with God then we are, if we choose not to be with God then we’re not. So in reality it is done to us, as we believe. I have read the Bible many times and each time is like I am reading it for the first time, I come across a Scripture that I know I have read many times I just did not let myself become open in choosing to believe what I was reading. I believe that we receive what we believe in, not just say we believe, but honestly believe. The Power, the Love of God within knows the truth in each and everyone of us. If I say I believe in something you will know by my actions if I really do believe. I believe with every fiber of my being that if we believe in something completely it will happen in our lives.
My husband was walking with a cane because he was in pain with arthritis throughout his body for many years. He finally got to the point of surrender. He said, “Forget this I am not going to have this pain anymore.” He believed he would be healed. He prayed with other people who had a strong belief and within a few weeks the pain was gone. The pain left his body, because he believed within his inner most self that he would be healed. This shows we receive what we believe in. The pain can come back if he chooses and believes. Sometimes we do choose to believe things without realizing it because of how we were raised. Society and the old tapes in our head seem to fill us with negativity like you’re sick, no good and things like that. Now he is pain free and it has been almost six months since he let go and completely let God take his pain. I have experienced similar things like that but for some reason I have chosen to have pain in my past. Now my pain is leaving because I let go and I believe with all my being that I do not need this pain anymore. I have experienced the love of God, and the healing of God. I have experienced having the pain come back because of my lack of faith. I took back my own will and did not trust in God. This caused pain that is why I believe strongly in changing our thoughts; actions and rewriting our scripts meaning not letting our pasts run our life. We have to let God take over and get out of the way so we can have a peaceful and pain free life or days depending on what we choose. All we really have is today and we can have a good day if we choose to.
Here is a prayer I love. I memorized it when I got sober. I hated memorizing but this just came natural to me.
I am the place where God shines through, for He and I are one not two, I need not fret nor fear nor plan, He wants me here and as I am and if I be relaxed and free He’ll carry out His plans for me.
I love that prayer it is short, simple, and to the point. I have come across many sayings I have in my house that helps me through the days especially if I am going through experiences that are not exactly going my way.
One saying I like is: “Give God all your problems He will be up all night anyway.” Another one I like is: “Fear means edging God out” another is “Just let it be and be free.”
I used to think people who pray and read sayings like the ones I have mentioned were weak people. Now I believe that when we change and admit we want change shows lots of strength. I know a lady who is a gift she has come so far and so loving she has a strength that is beautiful to see. She has helped me and has been such an example for me in my life. I used to fear change, my life was full of change, and I feared it. Now I have learned to Practice, loving not fearing. I think when I come across something that I feel fearful about; I have to ask myself what do I fear?
Usually the fear is just because of the unknown and if I fear the unknown then I fear God. I gave my life and my will over to the care of God over five years ago so I have no reason to fear God. My fears, I believe are just my thoughts and old tapes playing in my head. I had to keep remembering to change my thoughts, change the tapes, and walk through the so-called fears. In reality I do not think fear exists, I think fear is just what we call not loving or wanting or trusting in God, Fear = Edging God out. So fear is the absence of God and if I believe God is all, then there is no fear. Fear is experiencing a separation from God.
In actuality we are never separated from God just we choose to ignore God. So fear is an illusion and most of the things that occur in life are illusions, I am finding that out more and more in my life. I am realizing there is a stronger, deeper part that is within me. As I continue on this path of letting go and letting God, the more I remember. I believe we came into this life knowing all and as time went on we were taught to fear thus forgetting whom we really are. We need to get rid of our old ideas the old tapes that block us from the Sun Light of the Spirit.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved
Chapter 8 “Changing Old Habits.”
I have many old habits that I have been changing in my life; I have come to the realization that many of my actions and thoughts are habits. I have been doing things negative, and thinking negative, for most of my life. I have come to believe that sins are basically negative habits. I could say bad but what is bad in my eyes, may not be bad in someone else’s eyes. If I think of it this way, I am being human. I am not perfect, and if I am not perfect then I have defects of character, and if I act on my defects of character, I develop habits; if I continue to act on those habits they become dangerous. Some people call them sins; I call them old habits, or better yet “ Negative Habits.” I like that phrase better sounds nicer. I can change my negative habits. As for sins that sounds to me like I am doomed and I do not believe we are ever doomed.
In order to change my habits I need to remind myself and be aware that God is all, God is positive and God is working through me, I am a part of God. So when I am thinking negative and doing negative actions, I have to stop and remind myself that I do not think that way anymore, I do not act that way anymore. I believe I am one with God and God is not negative, so I am not negative either, that is what I have to remind myself. I forget sometimes so I am grateful for the tools I have in my life; the reminders I have from others and God. I am grateful for people in my life and how we are helping each other. We practice tough love on each other. I need that to keep me on the right path, they can catch me when I do not catch myself. Also being together is nice as the saying goes when two or more people are gathered together there is God. I believe there is God with just one person, but with two or more, I think the power of God is stronger so the more people the better. I feel comfortable with five or six people. There is a group I attend every so often, we have six people and we can share what is going on in our lives with each other it has been a blessing for me.
What are Negative Habits?
Negative habits are the old or new negative thoughts and actions like saying I am not good, I can’t do that, I am ugly. Those are some thoughts that have crept up in my head throughout the years. Those are what I want to change. I have acted on my thoughts I never accomplished anything because I thought I was not good enough. Now I know and believe I am good enough, I am living life. My goal was to write a book someday, I thought no; no way I do not have enough education to write a book. That was my excuse to be less than good and continue to be a victim. I let go of those thoughts. I find many thoughts I have to let go of. I laugh at my thoughts and say, “Get away I don’t need you anymore.” I try to keep a sense of humor about it, a good laugh and a sense of humor keeps us healthy. I have let my thoughts and jealousies of others, as well as anger, run my life. Now I think of love instead of anger or jealousy; and I remind myself I am just as good as anyone else. We are all equal. No one is better than the other. Some people choose to act less than, or think they are better than, but we are all equal. We are all a part of God so there is no place for anger or jealousy just a place for Love.
I have written many gratitude lists throughout the years, it helps me change my thoughts. I have made a list of the things not only that I am grateful for, but the things that bring me joy in life. My husband brings me joy, my dog brings me joy, looking at the sunset brings me joy. Writing brings me joy, music and dancing brings joy into my life. When I think of the things in life that brings me joy, it makes me feel good and helps me stay in the moment to enjoy life to the fullest. I like to write about my talents and gifts from God on paper so I can see them in front of me; it helps me remain positive. When I talk to friends about my talents and gifts it helps me change my negative thoughts to positive thoughts, then I can hear them out loud.
In the group I go to when I make the time to go, we share with each other about the talents we have and gifts we have received from God. It is an awesome experience to hear what others say and it helps me to stay positive about others and myself. I believe we need to say good things about each other. This group is good therapy for people with low self-esteem. It is not just therapy, it is good because we can express our feelings comfortably. I did not like to share, I had a fear of trusting people, or I thought I did. Now I know I did not trust in God and when I do not let God in then I am letting fear in. I find to get rid of fear; I have to let God in, and in order to let God in I have to get rid of fear. I feel when I am talking to others and love them and listen to others then I am letting go of fear. I am beginning to trust and then I let God in. It is a process. We can make that process real slow, or real fast, it all depends on us and our trust and belief in God.
Goals,
I have had many goals I have not completed them because of my thinking. I had strong thoughts on how I cannot complete things in life so instead of trying I just gave up. Now I won’t give up, I dream about what my goal is. I sit and daydream, call it meditation if you like. I sit and breathe in Love and breathe out hate. I just let myself go within and see my goals as if they were happening now and true. You know goals can be reality, if we truly believe; dreaming is a good thing it helps us relax and it could help us get a stronger belief in what the goal is. Now please don’t read this and say, “Well, all I have to do is dream and it will come true.” No, that won’t make it happen we have footwork to do and if we do our job then we are out of the way. Now God can do His job. I believe God is Unlimited and so we are Unlimited, we are a part of God. We can do whatever we choose to do. We have a human body, which makes it a little more difficult than just being in spirit. Spirit has no needs and spirit is unlimited like God is, we have a spirit so because of that we are unlimited. We also have a physical body so it does tend to get in the way of God at times. That is when I say, “Ok God you’re on and I am out of here.” Meaning God talks through me. I am here but only my body is here. When I quiet myself to just be, and accept God, getting rid of ego and my ideas, then God can talk through me. This is so exciting for me; I am finding more answers from within, I have heard that the answers come from within. I am beginning to see that honestly we can get the answers from within. God sends us the answers; I believe God is within so it makes sense that the answers come from within.
Life is getting more exciting for me every day it is as if I am looking through a new pair of glasses. I feel like the darkness is disappearing, I am so grateful for this experience. I feel like most of my life I lived in a tunnel and now I am out into the light. I think of it like this in 1995 I stopped doing some of my old behaviors and so as I did that little by little I got to the end of the tunnel and began to see some light and smell the fresh air, look at the flowers and enjoy what was around me. I never paid much attention to the surroundings around me. I was like a little child in awe. I went back into the tunnel to visit because I was so used to the darkness full of pain and old behaviors. It took me some time to get tired of the dark and stop my behaviors to stay out of the darkness. At times I see those old behaviors and thoughts pop up and I have to get rid of them fast and change them to new behaviors, and new thoughts. I had to make my own heaven. I have made my own hell for too many years so it was about time to try heaven for a change.
I enjoy my life today. I still get into old thoughts, they pop up every so often and then I have to get rid of them. That is why I have people around me for advise, because if I don’t, I can get used to those old tapes, those thoughts, that return to my head. I have to change them. It seems the longer I am sober and in recovery, the more I catch those thoughts and change the tape. I catch them sometimes if they’re real long tapes and have been in my head for a long time. If I don’t catch them that is when I call someone and they seem to love to catch them for me. I am enjoying my life today; all I really have is today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that if I stay in today, then tomorrow will be today and then I can enjoy life more. As the saying goes, “If you have one foot into yesterday, and one foot into tomorrow, then what are you doing today?” That is one saying I like. I lived it for years that is why I did nothing in my today’s, now I am doing things with my days. Some days I am in to the minutes and even the seconds, depending on what is going on.
I love to listen to older people with experience and wisdom in living. They have told me many times that all we have is this moment so enjoy your moments. You do not have to be older to have wisdom or to be experienced in life, but it seems most people are wiser and have more experience as they mature. Seems to me a lot of people grow up and mature in there 40’s and 50’s more often than others. I have met many people of all ages and they have been a gift to me.
I don’t want to grow up. I wanted to be a kid. I am realizing we can always be like kids and enjoy life and play. Playing is good, it keeps us healthy and childlike, it keeps us curious and willing to learn. Have you ever watched a child? They are so full of life, sometimes as adults, we forget that and get so much into the regular mundane things of life, bills, and running around on the freeways, we forget to stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the little things in life. Little children seem to be amused with the simplest things in life, like bugs, they can watch them for hours, they laugh and giggle at them and ask questions, they are so amazed about how a little bug can get around so fast. Their eyes get real big with amazement. I miss that innocence, we all have that within us we just forget. I am beginning to remember that about myself. I am enjoying it. I love to watch my dog, he is always in the moment; he is so in to what ever he is doing at the time. His name is Angel. I named him that because he is so serene. I find I get serenity from watching my Angel run around the house. He is like a child, into everything and enjoying every moment.
I like to meditate, I have had a hard time in quieting my mind so I would just breathe a little at a time and think of something I like. I love the ocean. I love nature, and trees, so I would start thinking about the waves and me floating on the waves in the ocean, it gives me a peaceful feeling. I think of the trees and the mountains and how all of this is part of God. It is so amazing; it calms me and helps me feel the love of God from within. One of my favorite ways to meditate is at the mountains and of course the beach. I am home a lot. I do not get too much time to go to the mountains, sometimes I sit on the porch and meditate or sometimes I just sit on the couch with my dog Angel, I sit with him and have my hands open, palms up and breathe in and out letting all the negative out and bringing in all the love and positivity within, letting God take over as my dog sleeps on my lap. I think of my goals and make them real in my mind. I believe when I do that it helps me realize we can get anything in life and it tells me that God is all. I am not the kind of person who has always set a time to meditate; I did not meditate every day. I would pray and talk to God everyday. I came to believe that if I meditate that is like listening to God. I would read a lot and that is like meditating. Now I like to sit and just be at least once a day. Mornings or evenings, I usually do it in morning and evening. It helps me start my day and helps me end my day. In the beginning when I would ask questions about meditation, I would be told to do it, do it religiously and I don’t do what people tell me, that is not a positive point I have but in time I did take the direction and tried it. I do not think there is a right way or wrong way to meditate. I just believe that if we get quiet either by sitting and hearing life around us or listening to music or reading it is a time to listen to the message of God within us, it helps us receive answers to our questions. Meditating helps me get to know my likes and dislikes and gets me in touch with the God within. I get to know myself better. So all in all, meditation is important to me.
I have an experience I would like to share with you. I was at a prayer group and we were in meditation. The minister walked us through the meditation and it was as if I was out of my body. I saw myself as an old lady and then I saw myself as passed on being one with God. I can truly say I know that when we pass on we go home and I believe that with all my being. I have not died to find this out. I had this experience in a meditation it lasted about forty-five minutes. I felt and saw the light it was like a warm feeling throughout my whole body and a love that was so wonderful, I felt as if I was floating. I truly believe that we all will become one with God when we make our transition it is not anything to be afraid of. I used to be afraid I could say, with all honesty, that I am not afraid to die. I truly believe we never die. We just go on to another experience. I love God and I love life. Thank you God.
Thank you.
Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved
If you want to contact me by email click on my name:
Angela
To read the rest of the chapters click on the links below.
To continue to the next group of chapters 9-13 click here.
To continue on to the next group of chapters 14-17 click here.
To continue on to the next group of chapters 14-17 click here.
To go back to chapters 1-3 click here.
To go back to the table of contents click here.