“Thank You God”

One Lady’s Journey Within

Chapter 18

“God’s Will Or My Will.”

I have wondered what is God’s will?

If I am a part of God, how do I know what God’s will is? I hear many people say, “God’s will not mine.” God wants us happy, joyous and free. I wondered how there could be two wills, God’s, and mine, when God and I are one?

I have asked many questions and read many different books on this subject. I have heard many people say different things on God’s will. I believe God’s will is my will, but I have to ask myself, “Is my will God’s will?”

That is the question I had for quiet awhile. I believe that when I am centered and in connection with the Spirit (God) then my will is God’s, other wise the Spirit goes along with what I choose so God’s will is mine, because God gave me freedom of choice to choose and what I choose is ok with God but it may not be ok with me and if it is not ok with me then it is not ok with God. If I feel uncomfortable with doing an action and I continue to do it then that is when God’s will and my will conflict. I need to be centered with the Spirit (God) in order for me to hear what God’s will is for me. Then I can get in connection with Him and our will is one.

The reason I came to believe this is because in my past I slept around trying to find love and all I was really doing was getting my fix. In my first nine months of sobriety I needed something to fill that empty hole in the middle of my stomach, I was unable to let God fill the hole. I continued to date men and sleeping with them. I did not change that behavior right away. As time went by, I was still acting on the same old behaviors. I started to feel guilty because I knew better I knew I could do better than I was. My conscience meaning “Soul” was telling me to stop that behavior. I started to listen to the Soul, and I became willing to get help and I stopped that behavior. The reason I say God’s will is mine, is because God gave me free will. I can choose to act on that free will, because it was God’s gift to me. I soon became uncomfortable with my actions. I started to get a conscience, (the knowingness or soul); I was doing something I should not be doing. I call it the Soul letting me know to stop my actions. I was feeling sick inside, which helped me see what I was really doing. I was acting on my will and my will was not in connection with God’s will. The worst feeling I have ever had was doing an action when I knew I could do better and still continued to do it. That is an example of my will and God’s will conflicting.

As I allow the Spirit within to direct me in my life, life is much more enjoyable. I think back to my teens, all I wanted was to be older, now that I am older I want to enjoy the little things in life, the older I get, the more life becomes peaceful. I am not rushing like I used to and I am slowing down to smell the roses. I look around and see the beauty around me, when I was younger I just rushed around and it was like I was living in a tunnel. I had tunnel vision I only saw what I wanted to see I was in the dark. I saw dark. I did not notice the beauty around me. I looked at the negative side of life. Not the positive, I was full of fear. Now I see joy and love. I am looking at things in life through the eyes of God most of the time I find myself looking at life with a sense of joy and love that I believe is looking through God’s eyes. If you cannot see the beauty in one of God’s creations; you are not looking through the eyes of God. I find when I am looking at people through the eyes of God, I am not judging them, I am not comparing myself, when I am looking at people with love I am happier, and more enjoyable to be around. When I am envious or jealous, I am not acting Godly. When I act out in rages I am acting on my emotions not with the spirit within, that is why I need to settle down. When I start to feel anger, I count to ten, breathe and just be. Be with God the Spirit that is where I need to be when I experience resentment or anger. I can clam down and not act out on any thoughts that come to mind. I believe it is important for me to let God’s will take over in my life, so I have to work at stopping, and not acting on my thoughts. That is why meditation is important; it helps me calm down and be able to hear the answers on what God’s will is for certain situations. Different things happen in life so different actions have to be taken. Meditation is good for getting answers on what actions to take. If someone is new to meditation, I believe it is best to talk to a person who knows about meditation and your situation who can walk you through meditations and can talk to you or pray with you. That is what helps me, when I have a problem and I can’t seem to calm down enough to hear the answer. I go to a friend. Sometimes another person can see the answer where I cannot. I have a friend I call on the phone and visit when we can. She helps me see what I can’t always see. We help each other, which is what living is all about sharing with and loving each other. Let’s all give someone a loving hand and stick together with love; so there will be less of us acting out in anger and rage. Love cures all if we let it; Love brings joy to people’s lives if we allow it to. Love is a part of you and me if we uncover it and express it. Love is always here with us Love is a part of us, like God is. God is always with us and if we allow God to shine through us then we are expressing Love, God and Love are one. If we would stop concentrating so much on what we are getting and concentrate more on giving, we would all be getting more because we all would be giving more.

Love is God.

God will never leave us so love will never leave us. We can reject the love of God, I have noticed how the love of God has been carrying me my whole life, I would run into people who were willing to help me, my problem was I did not accept the help so I had no help, because I would leave God. But God’s love was always there for me. When I push God out of my life, I am allowing hate, anger and rage in that is why I need to say yes to God and no to fear, anger and rage. When I get into anger, I need to let the love of God flow through me before the anger and rage takes over me. I believe even now I can be real serene, peaceful, and calm then something happens or a thought comes to my mind and with in a second I can get into anger so fast I did not know what hit me. It’s like I completely forgot I have God. I can change the thought and become willing to change and start my day over then the love of God is back. It is up to me on how long I decide to stay in anger and rage, or if I want to be serene and calm. I can get serene just as fast as I can get angry and uptight if I choose to or I can just stay serene if I am willing enough. I have not gotten to that point yet. Notice I say yet because I am leaving the door open to becoming serene all the time. All this shows me is, I have a lot of growing up ahead of me and remembering my spirit. I believe the soul is helping me remember the spirit within me. (The Spirit is God), we all have the perfection of the Spirit within us, we just need to remember, in order for me to remember I have to be willing to clean house, to clean within, get rid of certain habits, let go of the old human habits and teachings I have learned from parents and society. I need to be willing to unlearn what I have learned and get rid of all the things that were imbedded in me for so many years. It takes time to unlearn and remember, some of us take longer than others depending on the individual. I would say I was the stubborn type. I was slower to remember than others, but I say was because now I choose to remember and go with the spirit within. We can change our paths, just like we change our thoughts. We can change our path and go with the spirit within whenever we choose to. I am grateful to the Spirit for giving me the willingness to be able to go with the love of God and to change my actions to keep my mind and heart open and honest so I can continue to change.

Here is an affirmation that helps me become willing to become the person I am meant to be:

I am full of love. I am full of forgiveness. I am the person that God wants me to be. I am a child of God. I act like a child of God. I am full of abundance I have more to give others. I am full of peace and serenity. I thank God for this gift and so it is.

These affirmations help me stay positive, and grateful for life. Affirmations help me become willing to remember who I really am, they help me remember the true me the Spirit that dwells within me. As you can tell from what you have read in this book, I am into treatment and it really works when I do the actions and stay willing. I am willing to change and I am willing to live life to the fullest. I am willing to love, I am willing to give love, to help others and myself. I am grateful for the life I have and the life we all share together. God who is within blesses me and so it is.

I am giving thanks to God, the Spirit that is within me, flows through me, to others. I give thanks for the God, the Spirit within you, flows through you to me. God is all, God is within you, God is within me, and so it is. God’s will not mine be done, through meditation, prayer, and actions and so it is. Another affirmation that has been beneficial for me: I am a child of God. I am a part of God. I have the Light within me. I am the place where God shines through. I can do anything I put my heart and soul into. I have the peace and the grace. I have abundance in all areas in my life. I thank God and so it is.

Letting go and accepting is the easier softer way. Letting go for me is not always the easiest way because it is letting a power that I cannot see or hear take over. Once I allow the Creator to take over my life, life falls into place easier. It is better than imposing my own will; I had to practice, and start putting it into action in my life in order for me to get used to letting go. I am still not used to it completely because, well I want things my way! And in my own time; when I let the creator God take over it turns out to be my way in the end any way. I have experienced this and it sure does work. It seems the longer I live the more I realize I have to let go of situations that happen in my life, many things are out of my control and the out come is none of my business, but when I let go I am peaceful. Letting go and accepting helps me live life with less stress and worry. That makes my life peaceful. I figure I can live life with an attitude of gratitude and let go, or I can live in the chaos and be miserable or I can let go.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 19

“Thanks to God and to the Angels in my life.”

In this chapter I would like to say to my friends and others who I like to call Angels. You all have been an inspiration to me, in my life in living and in growing. Also in writing this book. I would like to thank a dear friend who has been there for me from the beginning has gone through all the ups and downs I have been through. Has been loving to me when I had no idea I was loved. Thank you for loving and taking care of me. I thank you for never leaving me I thank you for being with me all those nights. I would cry all night missing my son Sam. I thank you for your patience, the strength and courage you gave me. I thank you for carrying me, letting me fall and get back up with your guidance. The friend I am talking about is God, the Spirit, and thanks for loving me before I knew what love was. Thank you from me to you, we are one and so it is.

I would like to thank Greg, a dear friend of mine who has passed on and won his Emmy. He was and is a teacher in my life, and has been very encouraging to me. He loved me until I could love myself. I say he still is because I can feel his presence with me at times I can really feel his love for me. He helped me out by accepting me for who I am, and to accept my family, at the same time teaching me not to be a doormat. I am grateful for knowing you Greg. Greg you have finally won the Emmy you are one with God, I love you Greg.

My Dear friends Mrs. B. and Mr. B. I want to say thank you both for being there for me. And for all the love and encouragement you both have given me. You both were there when I had no place to live; you took me in and loved me until I could love myself. Thank you for loving me and showing me how to grow up, you showed me through your actions. Life is special to me. God has sent me Angels. I consider you two, beautiful Angels from God. The right people have always been there. God has made sure I am grateful for the love in my life. So many people have left footprints in my path for me to follow. I thank you all who have come into my life; you truly are gifts from God.

I would like to mention my “Earth Angel” who I call “mom.” I wrote about her in chapter five. Earth Angel you are special and you are an example of one who walks with God. May God hold you through this trying time. I love you my Earth Angel you will always be a part of me.

I would like to say thank you to my Angel in the park. I believe you are an Angel; God knew exactly what I needed that day in the park. When you came up to me, talked to me and shared with me your life. You did not know you were keeping me from destroying myself. God brought you to me to help me. For that I am grateful, I believe we all have Angels watching over us, some human Angels, some spirit Angels. Who knows you may be talking to your Angel.

I would like to thank all my friends who I have met on the net. I thank you for all the support and love, your encouragement in writing this book, especially on the days I wanted to give up, you all had wonderful words of encouragement. It seems when there is a reason to do something God makes sure it gets done.

I would like to thank my friends at the church I went to years ago, the minister Marlene. Marlene you have truly been a blessing. You have helped me stay strong and be the real me. You gave me encouragement and let me be myself, accepted me for who I am. I love you. You are so enthusiastic and encouraging to me. You have been there for me in so many ways. I thank you from the bottom of my heart you helped me get back to writing. I put it on hold. I gave up and you let me know that giving up does not help anything. I thank you for helping me get back on my feet from all the pain I was in. I know God is with me and I know you are an inspiration to me I am grateful. Some of us grow up slower than others and I am glad you are here for us. I would like to thank you for all the groups; the meditation and prayer groups. I have met many loving people. God has shown me love through all of you.

I would like to say thanks to Annie, you are a loving person you have such a beauty from within that shines through and a strength that is a gift from God. Cindy you’re a beautiful light that shines on us, Marie with your beautiful smile, thank you for being you. Thomas you are such an example of the love of God and I see the beauty you posses, I love you.

Mike has a voice of an Angel; he always brings tears of joy to me. I want to thank Kim for listening to me on the phone for hours when I was going through the pain of court and letting go of my son.

You all have been a blessing to me I thank everyone; there are more people I did not mention. I thank each and every one of you. I can go on and on with everyone there at the church. I have found a place that I can honestly call home. It has taken me a while to really be ok with myself and I am today. I love myself today; I have many people who have loved me until I could love myself. I want to thank my God within for the gift.

I would like to say to my husband Phil. I love you. You have gone through so much with me you have put up with so much you’re so special you have been so encouraging to me. My love for you is from God. You have helped God by teaching me to become a lady God is using you and I am grateful. God gave me a gift and the gift is you. I know you are an example of the Love of God. You stood by me thick, and thin. I thank you sweetie.

I want to thank the people from the twelve step groups I belong to. You have loved me until I could love myself. You were there from the beginning when I walked in and was dying, you all picked me up and got me on my feet, I thank you. This is special for me to write this and be able to share love and be loved. Life is a wonderful journey; we can make it as wonderful as we choose to. That is a gift.

I really feel I have to let everyone know that there is life after hell. I have lived in hell for years. I was dying spiritually, mentally and psychically. There was help for me and there is help for anyone that wants it. If there is anyone who is being abused or was and has not been able to get through the memories, I want to say you can survive, you are not at fault and you’re loved. We can be happy, joyous and free. No matter what happened to us, or what things we have done, we are children of God. We can live life and be at peace, we are loved.

When I was married the first time, I was dying. I got help at a battered women’s home. I do not believe I mentioned this in the other chapters; I went and stayed there for three days. I was so much into my denial that I did not let them help me. When I let go of the denial I got help and my life is totally different today. No matter where you live, no matter if you’re male or female or what you have done in your life or what has been done to you, there is help and God is with you every step of the way. Reach out and let someone touch you, then you go out and touch someone else.

Spread the love of life, the love of God. Be at peace, you’re deserving of it. God is love and you are love so let’s love each other. Let’s be the children of God we’re meant to be.

Let’s take a friend’s hand and let them know we care. God is all. God is with you just ask and you shall receive. The love of God is always there for us, in us, and through us. Have a good day and if you don’t it is your own fault.

Make it a good day, it is your choice.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 20

“What is addiction?”

What is addiction? Can addiction stop with self-control? I tried control; it did not work for me. Is it the person’s fault if they’re addicted? I have blamed myself for my addictions. What do you think causes addictions? Is it the family we are raised in? There are so many opinions on this subject, is addiction a disease?

I have come across many people who ask those same questions.

I believe it is not the family that causes the addictions; it is not other people’s fault. I believe we are all addicted to something it does not have to be alcohol or drugs, but I believe because we are human beings we have defects of character, some people can be addicted to many things. I have come to believe that “Addiction”, started in the thinking, well it started in my thinking if I think addictively, my thoughts can be addictive. I cannot control an addiction with my will power I have tried long enough and hard enough. I have experienced trying to control my thinking, drinking, drugging, sex and food. I could not. It is nobody’s fault if they are an addict it just is and we can get help no matter what the problem is.

As far as my thinking I have to really watch it everyday one day at a time I surrender my thinking, one day at a time I surrender my alcohol, drugs, sex, food, and thinking. I have to everyday because I can go back to acting on those thoughts I have, and act on the addictions, today I choose not to.

My food addiction got real bad when I stopped the drinking, drugging and sex, I did not have a higher power or an understanding of one. I started eating and I gained a lot of weight it was like a love affair with food. I still have that same problem with food it seems easier some days and hard some days. God took my obsessions with alcohol, drugs, but not food the reason God did not take my food obsession is because I have not let go. I am still holding on to it I love food. I have to be honest. I had a fear I thought I needed to eat, I hated to be thin because the memories of childhood got real bad and food was my escape my safety zone. I hated how men lusted for me when I was thin and when I was fat they did not pay attention to me. I also hated that, so I basically I hated everything. I had low self-esteem and I could not handle being thin. The food helped me run from my past. In reality food does not help. Nothing in the physical realm can help. The only way out of our past, or past memories is surrendering and letting a higher power take over. That shows how addiction is in the thinking. I honestly have not gotten to the point with food as I did with alcohol, drugs. Now I don’t feel that hate I had for myself, or the fear of others. I just love food and have not gotten sick and tired of the way I am with food.

I have gotten to a point of having a nervous break down with food but I still have not let go. So that shows me I have a lot of work to do. I am eating better now and moving forward and I am taking the recipe of life. “The Twelve Steps” on the food addiction. I wish I could say I have let go completely with it but I have not. I have lost a lot of weight but have maintained that weight I lost for about a year and still have more to loose so it shows me I have a long way to go and surrendering to do.

About the sex well I still deal with that on a daily basis I don’t run around with men anymore and cheat on my better half I would of if I ran on my thoughts and did what my thoughts tell me. I believe that also is a daily process I am learning a balance with sex I have gone through periods of not doing it for months and then over doing it and thinking about it all the time, it has to do with me, and the childhood events that happened to me I love it and hate. It gets better just like the other addictions do in time and in Gods time.

Addiction is a disease and as human beings we are dis-at-ease in life. I seem to look for people, places, things or thoughts, to fix us. I have experienced my thoughts being addictive. I can think myself into being in love with someone I have not even seen. I have done that. Take for example, you are down and out and your family is gone. You have no one and your spouse is gone, if you do not have a higher power working in your life, then we can easily think ourselves into things. Like people who are addicted to the Internet, they meet someone and soon they are having an affair. You hear about them dying in an alley, their thoughts created that and their thoughts were addictive thinking. It started in the mind. We can get into trouble with our thoughts if we act on them. My mind is a dangerous neighborhood. Even though I have a strong belief in God I still need to be on guard with my thinking and behaviors. I can loose it in a second I have lost it in a second even though I have not acted out on drinking or drugging since 1995 I have acted out on other thoughts and I did not like the consequences I had.

I do believe in a power the Spirit I strongly believe in a God the Spirit I still acted on some thoughts that got me into trouble that is because I am not a saint and I am in the human body. I believe the only way out is to surrender. I have to surrender over and over some times moments and moments.

Now how do I do that?

Surrender, is that being weak?

Does surrendering mean I just let go and nothing else?

I believe in order for people to get through their addictions they have to surrender, surrender is letting go and letting your higher power take over. Now how can a person surrender if they do not have a higher power? I have heard people say they do not believe in a higher power and they seem to have surrendered. I asked them how do you surrender if you do not believe in a higher power? I was told, “Just let go and give it to the universe.” So to me that is saying that their higher power is the universe. We have to let go and go on with our lives and let the universe, God, whatever you choose to call it, take over. As long as you get rid of it and completely surrender to the fact that you cannot do what it is that you are addicted to doing and go with life.

If a person thinks they can surrender to a tree, if you believe that the tree will take your problems then go for it, if you have faith that it will help you, go for it, whatever works, work it. I think if it works don’t fix it, your higher power will let you know when to fix it. I had my higher power as my best friend as time went on that friend became more and now that friend is within you and I and is all. So God the spirit, or the tree, whatever you choose to call it will let us know when to move on to another path.

I have met people with cancer. They had to get to the point of surrendering that they have no control and they accepted what they have, they went and did what they needed to do to be healthy. Some have even gotten to the point where the cancer had left the body because of their belief, faith and trust, in their higher power, surrendering their life and will to that higher power. Some have not and some have died of cancer. Also I believe we have a time when we do pass on and die. So it shows me I am not in charge even when I am thinking I am centered with the Spirit. I have no control as the human.

At the end of this book I talk about how I have Lupus I have come to the point now that this experience I have is all in God’s hands. I believe I am whole and pure love. I am healthy and complete. I give this physical condition to God.

And so it is.

This way it keeps me positive and we all have are life experiences to deal with. If God and I work together miracles can happen but it is all in time and what our experience in life is supposed to be. This is how I feel about this experience I am living today.

We are more than our addictions, we are more than our illnesses, we are more than our thinking, and we are more than our money. We are more, way more. We are children of God. When we surrender and let our thinking and our old behaviors go, and take a new path, take on a new way of thinking, living life then our experiences in life become fuller, deeper, and more exciting. Trust in God and don’t take yourself so seriously, be easy on yourself, love yourself, and you can have a great life.

This journey in life is full of remembering what we are and letting go of what we are not. Some of us turn to alcohol, drugs, or sex when we are full of confusion and do not know who we are. Some people turn to addictive exercise, some turn to an obsession for health foods; I believe it is because we human beings are dis-at-ease in our lives. We may not like who we are so we use other distractions so we do not have to be in reality and deal with ourselves. But when we surrender, we get into reality; it is like peeling an onion getting to the core of the problem the core of the being. We can get help, and then we can deal with and enjoy life. I believe we need a balance in our lives because we are human; we have to remember that balance.

We were born with all the knowing and we tend to become distracted by society, family, and schools. We were being told, “We can’t do this or that, or we’re told we are smart but not like him or her.” We get used to being compared and being told, “No, but yes, you can, but.”

All the butt’s and no’s we hear in life turn into habits for some of us, we need to change that. Say, “Yes, instead of no.”

Say, “I can, instead of but.” I can go on with all the negative things that I have in my head. What we need to do is go within and remember. Then be at ease and peace we do not have to be dis-at-ease with life we can be at-ease, enjoy life.

We all have positive energy let’s make use of the positive energy we have in each of us. God gave us that energy let’s not waste it; I believe if we use positive energy, we would love one another not attack each other. In relationships, if we use our positive loving energy, we would be naked with each other, meaning we would be open, completely honest with each other, we would have the knowingness on how to love each other and have spaces in our togetherness. We would not need to suffocate each other with love. We would not need to be jealous. We would be able to trust, and share with each other and be at peace with each other. Relationships are a gift from God. God knows what we need to establish a good relationship.

If we go within and remember, be aware of the love in our lives, we can tell what needs to be done and having people in our lives helps. I believe relationships are important not just man, woman relationships; we have all kinds of relationships in life. Family relationships, friends, business relationships. We need to give and take in all relationships, using our positive God given energy can help us in all the relationships in our lives.

Balance in life is letting the Spirit in and work through you. If we live just as the human self, then there is no balance. When we let the Spirit of God direct us then there is some balance. Balance is the key to a peaceful life and God the Spirit; has the key; so let the God in you give you the key to life. I am so grateful for all of this and I thank you all for being here reading.

This realization I am experiencing at this very moment, this is all God not me. I think sometimes what is this? How can this happen? I get this feeling and I know it is not me the human, it is I am the Spirit. I easily forget in my humanness and need to remember. That is why I say I am grateful for you because people can help me remember what I already know what I was born with what you all were born with we can help each other remember who we truly are the child of God that we are.

That is why I need you I need people in my life. As long as I am in this body I need your love and voices to let me know who I truly am that child of God. What a gift we all have! Think about it, a gift to wake up every day and have the love of God within us. I love to think about it and now that I am experiencing it every so often through the day. I am so grateful. I have gone through life so blind for so many years and the last few years have been such an awakening for me. Like I have a new pair of glasses to see through. I want to share with the world the joy I am feeling but I cannot. Only you know when you experience and remember the true you. Some people have, some people may think they have not, because they have their eyes closed. I believe we all have felt this; just some of us choose not to feel it. I was blind to it for years now it is as if someone turned the lights on in my life. I thank God.

Think of a dark tunnel, you are walking through this tunnel, you keep walking and walking, you see nothing, you keep walking, then you fall down and you still see nothing. Then you get up and start walking and fall down and get back up then you decide to yell for help you want out of this tunnel. Nothing happens you keep walking then you yell again, “Help! Please help me!” God says, “Keep walking and this time open your eyes,” you say “What? I have my eyes open.” God says no, “Open your eyes, open all your senses”, then all of a sudden you realize you are not in a tunnel and you can smell and see the beauty and the light. That is how I have felt for so many years. I was walking with my eyes and all my senses closed. Now I have them open to the Spirit and now I can see. And so it is

Thank you God.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Chapter 21

“In The Closet.”

The things I kept in the closet. To start out, I will tell you something that may make you laugh. It does me every time I think about how I lived. I kept men in my closet, yes I did. I would have someone over and if someone knocked at the door then I would push him in the closet to hide. Sometimes I had a friend come to the door and I had one in the closet hiding. I was really insane in my head and in my actions. I had my alcohol in the closet and my food. The funny thing is when I was a little girl I would hide in the closet and as I grew up in my teens, I used to go in the closet to get away from people, so I guess that was normal in my head to hide people in the closet. I laugh at that every time I think about it. I was a mess and when I think back, I am grateful for my life now. I used to just live my life in my thoughts. I did what I thought would feel good I did not do what was in the best interest for others or myself. I did things that were degrading. I was ashamed of myself and I made myself more ashamed by the actions I continued to do. I went through life like an animal doing only what feels good. If you think about it, animals have sex with almost anyone and have no morals. Some people act like that. It is sad but some of us do, I did; I didn’t know any better at that time. In my mind those behaviors were normal, I had done them for so many years and got away with acting like that. Then came a time when I realized I had to change and because of loving people in my life and the twelve steps I know better now, I am not acting like I used to. When I got sober, I still had behaviors I did not stop, like running around with men. Eating, using food as a fix and that problem with food I still have.

I think back on how lazy I was. When I got sober when my clothes got dirty I threw them out and went to thrift shops to get new ones because I hated to do the laundry. I was working, so I did not think about how I was wasting money. I was really in need of professional help when I got sober. You notice the word need. I say the word need because that is what I got, needing not doing. At that time I did not do, I just continued needing help. What I mean is I did get help on my drinking and drugging, but I needed to accept help in the other aspects of my life but I did not at that time. I finally did get and accepted the help. I learned to do the laundry, which helped a lot. I was able to wear clean clothes. The thrift shop is not a place of substitution for the laundry, I am laughing as I am writing that was pretty insane thinking I had.

I had to learn how to live. Let me change the word “learn” to experience. I had to experience living life in a different way than what I was used to. Some of us could use a little more help than others. I did. As soon as I thoroughly believed in a higher power and became willing, it did not matter how much I changed. What mattered was willingness on my part. I had to be willing to change and become honest and then everything seemed to fall into place for me a little at a time. I did things and changed things. I decided to re-choose my thoughts and actions and I decided to admit to my inner most self that I needed help. The reason I tell you all this is because it is the truth and this book is about my life, my beliefs, and how I got help. As you can tell from reading this book I was a lost soul. I wanted to live life to the fullest. I did not know how to go about living life. I wanted to stop my insane behavior so I asked for help, I wanted to stop doing those behaviors because they were not in my best interest as you can tell. I had to change if I wanted peace.

The saying in recovery is get the things out of the closet, meaning those deep seeded secrets that we keep inside and pretend they are not there, those are the things that are destructive to me. I had to let those secrets out, I am grateful I did. Today I can honestly say I have let them out. If I find other memories, which I remember from my past in drinking or past in sobriety, or childhood, I write it down and let it out with a friend I can trust. I believe this is all a process, memories may come back and I will have to let them go as they show up. When I do inappropriate actions; I will have to let go. That is why I have the people who love me around me to help remind me. That is how it works; I have God and others to help me let go.

I believe I have to get all the things out of the closet and be honest with myself within myself. I may be able to fool you, but I cannot fool God or myself. The twelve steps have helped me to let go of those deep secrets, get them out and let go. Secrets are like poison to me, if I keep them hidden they come out in a rage, and they can destroy others or me. This was not what I had in mind to do when I got sober, to tell others my secrets. But after I did and really got honest with myself, I felt so much better. I believe I have to let out my thoughts with someone so I do not have to act on those thoughts. Some thoughts are ok to act on, but a lot of my thoughts are negative, so I have to let them go and learn to laugh at them and change what I think. It is like when a child thinks he or she can fly, so the child goes on top of a building and tries to fly but falls instead. The child acted on the thought and should have changed that thought. I had to do a lot of changing in my thoughts and actions.

The rewards I have received from changing my thoughts and letting go of my secrets, have been over flowing I have received so much from within myself. I have a freedom, a peace I have never experienced and a love that is all a gift from the Spirit God. A confidence I never thought I would have. When I got honest and completely surrendered my will and life to God, I received so much within, it did not happen over night and it still is happening. I cannot stop surrendering for me it is an every day process and I have to or I can loose it because if I do not keep myself centered with the Spirit then I may forget and repeat my old actions. Just because I surrendered does not mean I do not make mistakes. The difference is I know God is with me and I can start my day over anytime I choose to. My mistakes can be learning experiences that I don’t need to repeat. I can get to the point of not repeating the same mistakes over and over and I can make new mistakes and then choose to change those. Life is all about experience. Since we are spiritual beings having a human experience we make mistakes but the more we stay centered with the Spirit the faster we can change the mistakes. Masters seem to change faster. They make mistakes, they are not perfect, they just are centered with the Spirit and can catch mistakes faster and change. They can catch them before they become an action. We all have so much potential within us to experience, what a gift and what a life we have thanks to the Spirit within.

Going within helps me to be centered and helps me to see what I need to change within myself. I have found out a lot about myself from being quiet and going within. I have found things I need to change, but also things I posses and need to keep. I also find I can catch myself in my thoughts so those negative thoughts do not turn into actions. I have found my talents and my love. I have found parts of me I did not know existed. I have experienced God by going within. I have experienced love within me that I did not see. I have found out I am not so bad after all; in the beginning I had a fear because I thought going within I would see a negative and an evil. I saw the opposite I saw all love and goodness and the things I saw that need improvement were not evil; I saw that there is no such thing as evil. I saw that life is just an experience, not good or bad and how we can choose and re-choose. What a gift I got from that. Now I enjoy going within. Going within can be a stress reliever and a peaceful experience, it can calm the day to take a break for a few minutes even two minutes and breathe and just be. Letting the Spirit flow can make a difference in a day.

I am finding that God is experience. I can experience God in many ways, I can feel the experience of going within and looking at a sunset and just being myself. I found that when I was thinking of God as in a religious aspect, I felt as if I was on stage, so now I think of God as a loving God. I do not have to perform I can be myself and experience God in all ways. I got rid of the judging God and have a loving God and I feel more centered than I have ever felt. I believe we are all God’s children and we have a gift the gift is God the power within, we can use that power to help ourselves and to enjoy life, to give to others and to love each other. We can give back what we have received. That is why I choose to share a part of me with you in this book. I enjoyed this experience and I enjoyed every moment of writing this book. My wish is! If this book can just touch one heart then the book has done what I intended it to do.

I know that God loves you just the way you are and I hope if you get anything from reading this book it can bring joy of gratitude in your life or it can make you glad you did not make the mistakes I did so either way this book did good. I am grateful to have lived the life I have and I am grateful to write this to share a part of me with you.

Here is one last affirmation:

I am the place where God shines through. I am full of gratitude. I am one with the Spirit. I am healthy. I am full of abundance in all aspects of my life. I can do anything my heart desires and so it is.

Love to all and thank you for being here.

Reach out your hand and let the Spirit touch you

and then you touch someone else and so it goes on and on the Love of God through and though.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

Where I am today as the last Seven years has gone by since I started writing this book

Epilogue

There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not thought about my son. I will be honest I cry, some times I cry myself to sleep it has been over four years now since I let go of him. It feels like I am mourning like he died. I love him it hurts a lot at times. When I cry I let myself feel my feelings, I believe if I pretend I do not feel certain losses then I am hiding and it will only take me over.

I need to let the feelings out in healthy ways. I give it to God, and I go on with my life. I am human, I have feelings I believe we need to express our feelings we just should not dwell in them. Feelings are feelings, but they do not need to take power over us. I give my son to God I surrendered. I have no power over this situation and God can and will take care of him. I know I cannot help. I have tried all I can to show love and let him know I love him. I know God’s love can help him.

As I have mentioned before I cannot make anyone love me, or forgive me, not even my child. All I can do is be a person who can give forgiveness and love, and at the same time I cannot let anyone walk over me. I cannot let others have power over me. It has not been the easiest road for me; I made it difficult because of my lack of trust in not accepting the Love of God. I feel freer than I have ever felt this is all due to my trust and belief in God. Children are a gift that has been given to us from God we are here to take care of them and do the best we can. They have free will and sometimes the best way to love is just letting go and loving from a far. In my case I had to.

I have always wanted a child and the part that hurts me the most is I drank him out of my life. I am living with the consequences of my actions. At the same time my son has an anger problem that has taken him over I did not let go for my sake only, but for his sake I had to let go because it would have destroyed him. His anger turned into poison. He was turning into a totally different person. He needed help and the more I tried to help the more intense his anger became. I did not want to be a victim in the news papers. I love him I always will, but he has to learn how to live, some of us have to make our own mistakes I did. I know God is with him and so I am letting God do His work. I know their will be a day when I won’t have to give my son to God everyday because I know he is with God and I won’t have to remind myself to give him to God. For now I do because it helps me. As I grow I believe letting go well be done I don’t have to remind God. I do this to remind myself God hears us God is part of us as I believe and in that case I do not have to keep repeating it to Him. In the mean time I feel comfortable this way.

June 2003 I received a letter from court welfare that they opened the case they closed it for a year said I did not owe money now they re-opened it and I owe child support. They have ordered my son to live with my mother he is being abused and I am paying welfare. I feel like I am paying for him to be abused. I am not able to just sit and watch this happen. I believe there is a difference in letting go when you cannot help but I do not believe in just letting someone get abused. I lived that hell and I cannot just sit and watch my son go though that. Yes he chose to live with her she is mentally abusive I do not have any proof of physical or sexual abuse but I do know my mother and I no what she is capable of doing. I have been in a deep depression I stopped writing and almost gave up on this book. I am not giving up I am going to spread this message and hope that other children do not end up like my son or I did.

I have written letters to the courts and welfare. I also have written letters to the Governor, Mr Bush News papers, talk shows, etc. I am not going to just watch the court system try to take money and let our children get abused I cannot change it alone but we can I have gotten a group together and we sent letters to get this message out to plant a seed. For years and years abuse has been taboo people do not want to talk about it and express their feelings. I know because I did not want to talk about what happened to me. The danger in hiding and not talking about it is those who have been abused feel like there abnormal and do not belong, some commit suicide, I do not want to see another child be abused. Yes I know it has been going on for years and years, it will continue to go on for years and years because people go on there own will and do not care about others.

They push the love of God away do not act on the positive they act on there pride, ego and anger and that is why we have rape incest and domestic violence and so fourth. It makes me so furious how an adult can take and rob an innocent child like that.

As for my adoptive mother, I would have rather have had a mother who cared and wanted the best for me not my death. I would like my mother to learn how to love herself so she can experience loving others. I cannot be a doormat anymore so I have to stay away from her. It is none of my business what she does because I have given her to God. I realize we cannot choose our families but we can choose our friends. At the same time I think we do choose are families as an experience in this life. I am not sure, but I am sure of one thing I am loved by God, God loves us all. I realize more and more that nothing matters of what I have done or what was done to me. Because God is within all of us, in the end we will all be one with God. We will understand why we experienced what we did and why we chose the things we did. I realize more and more that God was there when I was a child. I just was unable to see and feel the love. God can and does give us the love that we feel we have missed out on. We just have to be open to see and feel the Love.

My friend “Earth Angel” has spread her love. Earth Angel you are a shining example of God’s love. You have proven the doctors wrong, you have lived past the six months, and it has been about eleven months now. I am blessed to know you. Soon you will receive your Emmy for living life. Now you can relax and go with God and be one. I heard someone say, “It is not how we die, it is how we live there is no death, we go on to another experience.” Earth Angel you have shown me how to live and you’re showing me how to pass on to another experience.

I will be sad when you pass over, that is my humanness, my selfishness and I will miss you, at the same time I am joyful to know you, and know you will be at home and at peace. I do know that you Earth Angel, will be in peace, you will be smiling over me and be my Angel in my pocket. You have always told me to put you in my pocket when I am hurting and you will walk with me. Earth Angel you will always be in my heart I love you.

As I am writing this last paragraph, it is July 21, 2001. I received news that my Earth Angel has received her Emmy and gone home. She is now one with God. At the time of her passing, about 2:30 AM, I experienced her coming to me in a dream. I talked to her, she told me she loved me and she was ok. I told her that I love her. I will miss her. I know she is only a thought away.

As for my dog Angel, he is my angel dog. He gives me unconditional love. I never had a dog and now I have a special one.

My husband Phil is doing well, he has shown me a love I have never had. He loves me for me and lets me be myself. Phil here is something I wrote in the year 2002 for you I would like to share with you and everyone who reads this. Phil you have not only been my friend, my partner; my lover. You have been my teacher. Since the day we met my whole life has changed. You have shown me what a true friend is. You have shown me through your actions what a gentleman really is. With your Love you have helped me Love... God gave you a gift...

You are using that gift with every one you touch, through your actions and through your words. I watch you. I see your actions. I hear your words. I see the God in you working through you. You have gone through a lot in life. You have seen a lot in life. Because of what you have been though in your life, you are an example to many people. You changed the negatives in your life to positives. You taught me to be positive. You showed me that life is what I make it. You have loved me, for me. You have let me make mistakes with out judging me. You have been strong when I was weak. You have been with me through thick and thin. You were there when I was not. You have helped me become the lady I have always wanted to be.You truly are my best friend and my lover. You are a gift from God. You are one of my teachers.

I thank God for you being in my life. We’re blessed;

Phil you are a gift from God.

I love you Phil.

God has loved me until I could love myself. God has sent me Angels to walk with me, to carry me to pick me up when I am down and to send me Love. I have seen God’s Love through people such as my Earth Angel I wrote about, and my husband Phil. B and B you have been with me loving me until I could love myself, you still are loving me. I thank God for you two in my life.

I see God in nature, animals, I see God with in everything all I have to do is look around and I see God. Look in the mirror, there is God within you. Smell the flowers feel the sun, then you feel God’s warmth upon you. Hear the music of God, see the dance of God, let yourself be loved you deserve it you do not have to earn it you have it within. We are God’s children; we have His Love within us. Just be and let it come to you. Be yourself, enjoy being you. No one can take your place; you are a unique child of God. We are all His children and if we were to treat each other as if we were all connected then the world would be of Love we are made from Love so lets express the love. God is all and let’s spread the love of God. We all have love within us so let’s spread our love and talents with each other. Let’s re-create a new us. Each day is a new beginning all we have is this moment so enjoy it. It is all Love. Everyone is the place where God is, however I would rather choose to be the place where God shines through. And so it is.

A lot of things have been changing in my life more acceptance and more experiences I have been going through. March 26th 2004 I went to see a specialist he was honest and he talked for over an hour with me. It was great to be treated with respect some of the other doctors I have seen did not give me the time of day. This specialist checked all the 18 points and explained to me what they mean he let me ask questions and listened to me He did say I might have Lupus and he told me what tests to get he said I would need the ANA test the SED rate test and the RA test I was not able to afford to take the test. March 26th 2004 was when I was diagnosed with FMS, FMS is “Fibromyalgia” I already thought I had the symptoms from what other people who have FMS “Fibromyalgia” but now it is reality I know it is FMS. Actually I feel relived now that I know I am not crazy. I have had pain for a long time I just ignored it. I thought I was going nuts I hurt all the time and it would trade places. I thought what the heck is going on, I cried all the time it was depressing. I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and freaking out in my head thinking this is not real.

I did not have insurance and I thought the pain was from my weight because I am over weight. I also blamed my pain from being beaten for years from my ex husband. I left him in 1995, I believe it triggered FMS but I did not know what my pain was from for years until March of 2004.

In 1999 the pain got worse after having gallbladder surgery it seemed my whole body became in much more pain, each day I was feeling worse it seemed. I was put on state disability for one year in 1999 because of my knee and I was also on state disability in 1995 for my knee. Now that I have a name for the pain I am relived to know it is not in my head. Many doctors do not believe in FMS. It is not easy to diagnose because there is not a blood tests and a doctor has to be well informed on FMS and study it. Many times people with FMS are put to the way side, doctors ignore us. Doctors have to believe what we say about the pain because there are no tests to let us know we have FMS. Doctors treat us as if were making it up we are not, we live with pain daily. That is why it is so hard for people with FMS. Family, friends and even some doctor’s do not believe that were in as much pain as we say we are.

I finally was able to get those tests done with insurance and I was diagnosed with Lupus that was August 31, 2004 I was not surprised because I was told I might have lupus because of the symptoms I was having. FMS has similar symptoms as Lupus but FMS does not affect the kidneys and liver and Lupus can. I am fortunate that my liver and kidneys are good. I am now on medication for lupus as long as I take the medication I will be ok and watch what I eat. I have just lost 100 pounds and I feel a whole lot better. I will share more about how I lost the weight a little farther down in the in this epilog. I still have pain and don’t sleep well and cannot be on my feet for to long.

With my experience living with FMS and now Lupus it seems that FMS and Lupus is just as sneaky as alcoholism is. It gets us when we least suspect it. Some times the pain seems to go away then in the next minute or few or hours or days or months and I heard even years it can feel it went away but then it comes back in full force. Lupus is different in the way that if affects the immune system and FMS does not at least not that we know of.

I was fortunate to find a doctor how was able to help me and tell me what is wrong with me. I think because most of us who have Lupus and FMS especially FMS we look normal we do not look sick so doctors tend to not believe we are sick. They tend to think were imagining it, were not it is sad because they can’t see our pain and they have to trust what we say and many doctors don’t. I know many more doctors are starting to believe in FMS but some still don’t. Because my ANA test was high it was 1:320 and that is what they said made them believe I had something wrong with me or other wise I probably would have been told what I was told just loose weight and get help for your depression. Because of the ANA test and me not giving up when they told me it was just my weight and after loosing a lot of weight I was still told it was weight and depression that was causing my pain, finally they took a look once they saw my ANA test and now I am on medication. So things are a lot better now that I know what is going on and have something that can help me live life better and healthier. I do not know if I have had Lupus for a long time or not but now that I know I do have it.

I have completely changed the way eating. I started to eat healthier in January of 2004 even thought I did not know about FMS or Lupus. I thought my pain was from being heavy and then when the doctors told me it was from being heavy I really started to loose weight. Then the weight did not take the pain away what loosing weight did is make me feel better about myself mentally and I felt little better physically. I still could not work and I still walk with a cane. I do not know if I will always need a cane to walk with but for now I am. What I eat is all fresh vegetables, fruits, organic if possible, fish three to four times a week especially sardines they’re full of the omega oils, and lean chicken and turkey. No red meats at all. I eat avocados and tofu and soy products. I stay away from sugar and I don’t drink soda’s that was a hard one to stop I have to admit. I drink lots of water and I take flaxseed oil, and flaxseeds and vitamins I drink Green tea. I believe it is important for me to eat healthy and to do all I can do to live a healthy life and to keep my immune system healthy. I swim when I can weather permitting, because that is the best way for me to get exercise; swimming is easier on the joints and muscles. I cannot be on my feet long periods of time I do walk but swimming is what I prefer. I swim in the evenings in the summer time when the sun is down because I cannot take the sun at all. Having Lupus I cannot be in the sun to long.

I used to not care if I lived or died as I was growing up as you have read. Now I want to live and I want others to know they can live happy and healthy with any form of disease and those who have been abused we all can have a life no matter how are life was in the past we all can be happy and healthy it is up to us what we choose what we want to do in our life. All we can do is the best we can and keep a positive attitude.

I was in denial about my pain for years, I was in pain way before 1995 and I would just numb myself with alcohol and drugs run from myself. I would put a wall up and just ignore it as if it does not exist. I did that with my alcoholism, and drug addiction, I did that with the sexual abuse that happened to me in childhood. I would just not accept it and would continue to live in chaos from not accepting I needed help.

Since 1999 the pain got worse had to stop my career of waiting tables I called it a career because it was all that I knew I waited tables for 18 years in 1995 I had to stop waiting tables and go on state disability, then when disability ran out I still was not working, I went back to school.

My pain would come and go I was at the ER three times in the year 2001 they said it was panic attacks now I know different it is the FMS and Lupus or at least one of them I know they both cause chest pains. I have to be careful because when the chest hurts and goes down the arm it seems as if it’s a heart attack its not always but it could be so I have to really watch and not just use the FMS or Lupus as the excuse because many people with FMS and Lupus have had heart attacks and did not catch it in time because they thought it was FMS or Lupus.

In 2001 I was going through a lot of stress with my son as you already read the stress made the panic attacks and the FMS and Lupus was triggered from the stress at least that is what I believe I am not a doctor but that is what I see as I look back and remember how I felt. I did not know this at the time because I did not even hear of FMS I heard of Lupus but did not know what it was, and the doctor never said anything about FMS or Lupus to me they just said it’s the arthritis and my weight. I lost 60 pounds at that time and still was in pain but the weight helped myself esteem and having positive frame of mind helps to deal with pain. I gained that weight back and more when I was going through court when my son and mother took me to court. I admit I used food like a drug and just accepted myself fat. Than as time went on the more pain I was experiencing I got sick and tired of it and since I don’t have insurance I searched all over the net about FMS and food eating healthy. I found lots of information and started to change my eating as I mention above in previous paragraphs about loosing weight Loosing weight is hard when taking the meds I am loosing a lot slower then I used to but also it could be age as we get older it is harder to get off. I was warned that but I did not listen I thought I knew it all in my early 20s.

In January 5th 2004 I started to eat healthier and loose weight, I feel much more positive my self-esteem is better. My muscles still hurt my weight loss did not help the pain of FMS or Lupus the weight loss just made it easier because I am carrying so much weight it helps a little with standing on my feet, I could not stand and cook in the kitchen for long periods of time because my back hurt, now I can stand fifteen minutes on my feet and then I have to rest, I have been told by some friends that when I loose all my weight then the pain will go away. The doctor say’s that is not the case because FMS is a neuromuscular disease not in my joints. FMS affects your whole body it feels like having the flu and it never goes away. Lupus feels that way also but it also affects the joints and I feel pain in the stomach I think FMS and Lupus affect the stomach and bowl problems come from both FMS and Lupus. I don’t sleep well at all. I am up every 2 hours, some nights I can’t get to sleep and I just stay up, I am not getting the rest I need.

I used to dance Ballet and Jazz so it has not been easy to accept this malady, I used to be in shape and could do so much and now I feel like I am a 80-year-old in a 41-year-old body. It is not fair life is not always fair but this is the way it is. I have to accept it and go on with life make the best of it. We are not here for ever I may as well enjoy the life I have, and continue to be positive. Some days are better than others; I do not know what to expect from day to day, some days I can walk better than others some days I can do more than others. Some days I can’t do anything but lie down and change positions from bed to the couch, to sitting at the computer. I sit with a heating pad on different places on my body to ease the pain. The heating pad became my best friend. I meditate that really helps me feel better mentally and physically.

I am taking it a day at a time as I learned in the 12-step program with alcoholism and drug addiction. I now see what living in the moment means much more now. I enjoy the little things in life much more than before I mentioned using a cane well since November 2003 I use a cane to walk with. In April of 2004 I received a wheel chair from a church that donates them to people who need them. It has not been easy to accept this, my ego and pride get in the way I have done a lot of crying over it but now I am accepting it much better. I do a lot of talking with God my way of praying is talking to God like I talk to people. I try to sit and be still to hear answers breath in and out to get through the pain when I am in flair ups with FMS. All that in the above paragraph about the wheel chair was written before I found out I had lupus I had no idea about Lupus at that time I just felt like I was dieing the pain was so bad now with the right meds I hope to feel better but I am just starting the meds as of August 2004 so it will take time to really know if they work or not.

Writing helps me to accept and deal with my emotions writing is a tool I use often. I belong to a wonderful group for sober members who deal with disabilities and many of them have FMS and have Lupus, so it helps me see I am not alone. I know I am not alone. God is always with me, but some days it gets hard to accept what is happening and it is nice to share with others who are going through similar things we can love each other and share and put smiles on each other’s faces.

As for my schooling, I put it on hold since the court I lost everything the house car and all the credit I had to pay for the court fees. Then two years later as you have already read, I receive a letter from welfare to pay welfare for back pay from 2001 until he is 18 and so that will be five years of paying for my son to live in an abusive home. I was paying when I was working but now that I am disabled I am not able to pay.

I am still getting back on my feet. Life happens we have to go on and I am going on with my life. When I was working I paid welfare now that I am not working I just continue to get letters from welfare and I continue to send letters to them back explaining why I am not working and I am appealing disability.

As of 2006 this year I have been off and on many different medications for Lupus. I am still not in remission I have gained back the weight I lost. I have to let go of that too. The miracle is that my attitude is changing because of God. I am not the disease of Lupus I am the I AM of God. God is within me and I have to remember that all of the physical life is an illusion when I remember that I can deal with my physical condition it is just part of my experience right now.

Another miracle in my life is I found my Birth mom on March 8th 2005 I am blessed from God I started my search in 1999 and in around 2001 I gave it to God saying to God “If it is for the highest good for her and I to find my birth mom let it be I don’t want to interfere in her life.” I left it in God’s hands and now I have my mother in my life. We met for the first time in March the 13th 2005. My mom and I have a great relationship we see each other a few times a year and we talk on the phone often.

I Just got a letter in the mail I have been accepted disability. After 2 1/2 years of trying to get on disability I finally am.

Thank you God.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read my journey through life. I was encouraged to write my story in book form many times I almost gave up but because of God and Phil and many others on the net I continued to write.

I wish you the best in this journey called life and even more I wish you God.

Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All contents Copyright © 1999-2006 by Angela Contreras All rights reserved.

If you want to contact me by email click here:

Angela

To go back to Table of contents or to the other chapters click here.

To go back to the Table of contents click here.

To go back to Intro and chapters 1-3 click here.

To go back to chapters 4-8 click here.

To go back to chapters 9-13 click here.

To go back to chapters 14-17 click here.