Just Be

By: Sarah

© 2001

 

Alexis Hamilton sat in front of the television set in her New York apartment, tears streaming down her face, as NSYNC walked onstage at the Metropolitan Opera House to receive their fourth MTV Video Music Award of the night. She had never been more proud…or more depressed. After watching their amazing performance with Michael Jackson, she hadn’t thought the night could get any better…or worse, depending on how she looked at it. She had clearly been wrong. Her tears continued as JC Chasez began to speak.

"This is the Viewer’s Choice Award, so we can’t really thank anyone but the people who voted for us. So, thank you to all the fans. Thanks for voting. Your voice was heard." And then, as if it were second nature for him, he winked at the camera and tugged on the Leo pendant that hung around his neck.

Alexis’ heart stopped. She recalled with great fondness how she had once been nothing more than a fan. But that had all ended two years ago when she met JC at a club in Las Vegas. That meeting had turned into what she believed would be a one-night stand. But what followed had almost ruined her life. The innocent one-night stand transformed into random meetings in random cities at random times.

She had never been his girlfriend. No…far from it. He had Bobbie to fill that role and he had always made that very clear. But Alexis would never allow herself to be put in the same category as his three all too well known groupies, either. She was different from those women. She tended to get as much pleasure from their "relationship" as JC did. And she loved him. From day one she had loved him. And there was no doubt that she loved him still.

But things were different now. She hadn’t spoken to JC in six months. And she kept telling herself that she didn't want to. He was an ass. He had cut off all contact after she’d miscarried the baby she had never meant to get pregnant with. He straight out told her that he never wanted to see her again. So why was he standing there on national television winking and pulling on his necklace; the symbol he had chosen long ago to let her know that he was thinking of her?

Frustrated with her train of thought, Alexis shut off her television and headed for bed. She had wasted enough of her tears on him. It was time to stop.

Approximately an hour later and still wide-awake, Alexis heard the familiar buzz of the intercom that meant someone wanted to be let into the building. She wearily walked to the speaker and pressed the talk button. "Who is it?"

Nothing but silence was returned.

"Hello?" she questioned again. "Is anyone there?"

This time she received a few incoherent mumbles, but nothing more. She was becoming slightly agitated. In the mood she was in, this was the last thing Alexis needed.

"Look," she snapped angrily. "I don’t know who this is but it isn’t funny. What do you want?"

"Lexi?" an all too familiar voice squeaked out.

Alexis literally fell back against the wall and slid down to the floor. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be.

"Lexi," the voice repeated, stronger but still trembling. "I know I have no right to be here. But I really want to talk to you. If you won’t let me up, can you at least come down here? I feel rather stupid talking into this box. Please, Alexis? Just give me a chance."

Standing up on shaking legs, Alexis pushed the tiny white button that would open the door to her building. "Come on up, Josh," she barely whispered. "The door’s unlocked."

Alexis was huddled in the corner of her couch, her legs pulled up and her chin on her knees, when JC walked in. She looked up at him hesitantly, not trusting her voice enough to try
to speak. He looked amazing still wearing his outfit from the awards show. Already she could
feel herself begin to melt.

JC stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room, his hands behind his back and his gaze fixed on the floor. "Thanks for letting me up," he mumbled.

"Not…not a problem," Alexis stuttered, hating that her voice sounded so weak. "Why are you here?"

"Did you watch the VMA’s?"

Tears hit her eyes suddenly and her hands began to shake. "Yes. I saw that Bobbie wasn’t there. What’s wrong, couldn’t she find a trashy enough dress to wear?"

JC chuckled in spite of himself and shook his head. "No. I didn’t invite her."

"Why wouldn’t you invite your girlfriend?" she snapped sarcastically.

"She’s not my girlfriend anymore."

Alexis’ head shot up and she gasped loudly. But no words came out of her mouth.

"Don’t look so surprised," JC said calmly, finally looking up at her. "Bobbie got what she
wanted from me. Our agreement’s been fulfilled. She has her TV show now and I’m finally sick and tired of her shit. It worked out well for everyone."

"Everyone?" Alexis shouted, no longer able to stop her tears. "Everyone! No, it did NOT work out well for everyone! Because of that stupid skank and your fucked up ‘agreement’, I got
screwed. You told me you never wanted to see me again because of her! You said it would look bad if people ever saw us together! It was against your ‘agreement’ to be seen in public with
someone else! Well you know what, JC? Fuck you! I don’t want to hear about your god damn
‘agreement’ ever again!"

JC tried to reply but Alexis cut him off, hastily swiping at the tears that continued to fall onto her cheeks as she stood up from the couch and walked towards him.

"When I saw you on MTV tonight I was actually happy for you, you bastard! It was almost like old-times. For the first time in over a year you didn’t look like the fashion mishap from hell! No, you were the old you. The REAL you! The Josh that I fell in love with! Look at you, even now, right here in front of me. You know damn well what those ripped jeans and wifebeater are doing to me!"

Alexis knew that she was on the verge of hysteria at that point. Her argument didn’t even make sense to her anymore. She was supposed to be shouting that she hated him and wanted him to leave. Where had she gotten off track? She couldn’t remember. Her mind was too preoccupied
with JC’s arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her to him.

"You’re right," he stated sincerely, slipping his fingers into her dark hair and placing her head against his chest. "I’ve been a complete asshole to you from day one. There’s no way around that. You just wanted to be with me and I gave you no choice but to become a groupie because of my relationship with Bobbie. I could have gotten rid of her a long time ago but I didn’t. I’m sorry, Lexi. I really am. When I was walking up that red carpet tonight, all I could think of was how much I missed not Bobbie, but you. And when I was onstage, I just wanted to be able to look out in the audience and see you smiling back at me. It’s never been more clear to me than it is right now…ending things with you was a huge mistake. And I’m here to fix that. Because I know you love me…and I love you, too."

"If you love me so much, why did you leave when you did?" she questioned into his shirt, which was quickly becoming soaked by her tears. "After…the baby…"

It took JC a few moments to answer that question. He couldn’t justify hurting her anymore. But he knew he had to tell her the truth. "I was scared, Lexi. I was scared and I was selfish. I didn’t know how to be there for you like I should have been, so I freaked out and left. I never should have done it. At the time, I had no clue how to deal with what I was feeling. I didn’t understand why I was so upset over losing something that I said I never wanted in the first place. I wasn’t a man about it, Lex. And I’m so…sorry."

Alexis looked up at him slowly, surprised to see the tears on his hardened cheeks. She had never imagined herself hearing him say any of that. Let alone seeing him cry. "Josh…" she whispered, her voice shaky as tears continued to slip off her face. "Oh…Josh…"

The two stood there for several minutes, just relishing in the comfort that the other could provide. Neither of them wanted to let go. For the first time since they had known each other, they were able to cry together. So many tears had been shed by both Alexis and JC, but it had always been done in the privacy of their own spaces. It was a growing experience for the both of them…to be there, together, and emotional. Truly grieving for the loss of not only their unborn child, but also of their relationship.

By the time the crying spree was over, JC was on his knees in front of Alexis; his arms around her waist and his head resting against her stomach. "I want you to be with me," he stated softly, all the hesitation gone from his voice. "I’m tired of wasting my time with other people, Alexis. You’re the one for me…and I think I’ve always known it. Will you be with me again? For real this time?"

Looking down at him and running her fingers through his long chestnut locks, she had to smile. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought they would come to this. Yet, here they definitely were. Starting to cry again, she nodded her head yes. Being the girlfriend of a world famous popstar wouldn’t be easy…and she knew that. But she was willing to take her chances.

JC and Alexis didn’t make love that night. As much as she wanted him to, he refused. He just held her, promising that they would have all the time in the world to be together like that. For now, he just wanted to feel her in his arms again. To grow accustomed to the slight weight of her head lying on his shoulder. To run his fingers through her long curls and watch the smile that tugged on her lips when he kissed her earlobe.

JC had always known that physical intimacy went beyond sexual intercourse. But he had never really put that theory into play. But that night, as he lay beside Alexis in her bed, her chest rising and falling with her sleep-filled breaths, he knew he had made the right decision. For the first time in his life he didn’t have to be or do anything. He just had to be. And that was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

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