
I just had the day from hell in the studio, nothing seemed to work out the way
I wanted it to. I yelled and cursed at just about anyone I could find. I guess
I’ll have to make a few phone calls later to apologize. I don’t mean to get
this angry, but sometimes I just “click”. The others know by now, they’re
getting used to my mood swings.
I yank up the stereo in my car and space out on my way home. I need to do
something about it, I can’t go on like this forever. I drive up to my house and
notice there’s a light on in the living room. My heartbeat quickens and I hurry
to the door. Inside, I’m not greeted the way I hoped. I go over to the window
and look outside. Behind me, I hear a movement.
I turn to look, and there you are, lying snuggled up in a corner of my sofa, my
blanket pulled up to your chin and with hair covering most of your face. There
are still traces of tears having flooded down your cheeks, I can tell. So, like
many times before, you run to me when the world seems to crash down on you. I’m
the safe harbor you can always come back to when everything else storms up, I’m
always here, waiting for your return. I sit down opposite you and smile at the
peaceful look on your face.
God, how good it makes me feel to see you this comfortable in my surroundings.
I can see the curve of your body and how you hug the pillow underneath your
head for comfort, I always found that endearing. How your mouth is slightly
open, almost pouting, I could watch you sleep forever. It makes you look so vulnerable
and sweet, I just want to embrace you in my arms and shelter you from the evil
that haunts you sometimes. I don't want you to hurt no more, I want to make
sure you’re always safe and happy. I want to be that special someone that makes
you smile and look back at me with love, but I’m not….
I remember the first time Justin introduced you to me. The day you walked into
that living room absolutely changed my life, nothing would ever be the same
again. I know it sounds like a cliché, but the sun seemed to arrive right along
with you. My heart almost stopped when you reached out your hand and looked at
me. Your blue eyes penetrated mine, I felt like you could see right through me,
realizing the interest that was already there. I knew we could never be, you
already belonged to one of my best friends and I could see the love between
you. I would never do anything to destroy that, it just wasn’t me.
You became a close friend, hanging out and doing everything with us. I told you
more about myself than I ever have anyone before. I don’t know why, I just
trusted you right away. I guess no one ever realized just how deep I fell in
love with you, I hid it well I suppose. You were someone I could call if I
needed a chat, and sometimes I made up problems just to have a reason to call.
You were always there, understanding and caring, and each time I fell even
more.
I should’ve seen it coming, I was doomed from the start. Remember that first
day you came over and told me you and Justin were having problems? I cried after
you left, just because I felt your pain too. Deep down a voice told me to be
happy, but when I saw the hurt in your eyes, I knew I could never be glad when
you were in this much pain. You and Justin made up, and everything went
smoothly for a while, but about 3 months later, I found you on my doorstep. I
was the understanding friend, listening and comforting, all while I tried to
keep my own feelings aside and concentrate on you.
After that, I became your hiding spot, the one you would go to whenever you
needed to get away. I don’t think Justin ever found out, he never said anything
anyway. And here you are yet again, finding comfort in the only place you know
you can. God, I even gave you your own key, didn’t I? How can you not realize
what I feel for you? Who would bother to do all these things, if it wasn’t for
love? A good friend would, I know that, I just don’t know how long I can keep
this up. Some day I won’t be able to hide it anymore, and that day I will
probably lose you forever.
I get up and walk back over to the window, gazing into the cold December night.
I shudder and take a deep breath as I cross my arms. I hear you shift and then
a yawn emerges, before I hear your beautiful voice.
“Jace?”
I turn and look at the woman of my dreams. “Yes sweetie, I didn’t wanna wake
you.”
“I’m sorry…”
“What are you sorry about?” I ask as I cross the room and sit down beside you.
“You shouldn’t have to deal with this each time…”
I pull you to me and hug you gently, closing my eyes and taking in the barely
noticeable lavender smell in your hair. “It’s okay,” I say. “You know I’m here
for you.”
“You’re the best,” you sob. “No one could be a better friend than you, I don’t
deserve you…”
“Yes you do baby. I’ll always be here, I’m your friend,” I whisper.
Only it’s not true. I know one of these days you will not want me as a friend
anymore. When I finally burst, you won’t look at me the same way. You’re not
expecting it, I know that now. You have no clue at all, do you?
I want to be your everything, but I’m not…