trance is GOD
Now Playing: kathy's song--apop
God!!!! I love trance.

i remember the distinct moment....the turning point in my life. At sand tunes...standing on the north side of th encampment, looking out over the crowd....It was a startling and fearful moment. I gave something up...adn I thought I would miss it....i was afraid...But I had to KNOW I had to know what was out there....

The forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was Mushrooms.

I am so happy now....so happy. Thank god for music.
Thank god for trance. i have to be a part of this.

The world is changing, transforming, rapidly.
This music is such a part of it. i know that stronger than I 've ever known anyhting.
i believe in it more than I've ever believed in anythign.
We are evolving....through the same exact method by which we were created--music. Music is the vibration that first formed energy into matter...that first sent the big bang into effect....that first breathed consciousness into the universe. We are music. That is all adn everything. I cannot express through any words....what i knwo about music. What i feel abotu it.
Trance......this is the next step

We've gone through a huge and sad dry spell on this planet....we are strving for good music and composition. Our society has advanced in so many ways...but we have also become destructive. Now....With the new technologies that have cost us and our planet so dearly, we can form a new way...a new music....that will more than make up for the damage. humin evolution...god, universal evolution is about to explode at exponential rates....We must lose ourselves to this music, first.
Surrender.....
and spread trance!

F Y I
THIS IS A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT!

i am special.
No really......I am!

Goodbye kansas
Yep. That's it. It's over with her. I just suddenly realized that I was re-living HEATHER all over again, and in that instant, the decision was made. I wrote her a goodbye letter. It wasn't mean or bitter or anything. I really didn't make a big deal of it at all. I simply informed her that I was no longer interested in her romantically, and that our interactions would change from here on out, that I would be more distant. I didn't go much into feelings, or how I felt hurt or wronged, because I don't. I simply don't think that she's in a place where my feelings can even be a second thought to her. And I also feel that our "friendship" is a farce, a cover that she uses for many people, to keep herself surrounded by admirers so that she can feel special. It's a way of accomadating for a lack of self esteem. Tay pointed it out to me. "Ever notice how all of the people that like kansas suddenly become her "best friends"? Yeah, ever since I told her I had a crush on her too, she's been SOO nice to me, and trying to be my dearest friend" When Taylor said that I just about shit my pants. Ok, not really. But it was the final realization-point, and I recognize now that I've just gotten myself into another manipulative mess.

So I wasted no time. I raced home, wrote to her to tell her I was DONE and it was OVER between us, and went peacefully to sleep. Is it bad that I feel nothing? THis was the right thing to do...possibly long over due. I don't feel guilty. In fact, I don't really feel anythign. I don't fel like anyhting drastic in my life has changed. ooh....is that bad? I don't know. I feel like Steven. No...that situation was totally different. I have real reasons not to let this thing between kansas and I go on....And Kansas deserved it, really. I don't know...I don't THINK I deserved the ill treatment I got from steve...maybe I did. Then again, I'm hardly ill-treating kansas. Just setting my boundaries, for my own self-dignity.

Yeah...I'm done talking myself into feeling justified. The truth is, I am, and I've felt this way for a while. And it was time to just act on it. I feel better.

So long, farewell, little miss kansas

PEACE

The End
It's the end of the world. I guess it always has been. the earth, like us, has been dying from the moment of birth--no...since the moment of conception, even.
I don't believe in fear. But I must say, I don't know if I'm prepared for this.

I decided to believe in God today. Whatever that means. It doesn't have to mean ANYTHING religious, or even the conception of a patriarchal figure, or a creator. It just means there's something out there -- some heart of the universe -- that IS still beating, and that will continue toi live long after I die. It means there's an existance beyond my own. I have to believe that because I hear it, in the music. The music is so much more than ME....I die inside of it everyday, and it resurrects me. There....Music is my god.

I am lonely. But not sorry or sad about it. But it's a fact, as much as any arbitrary feeling can be factual. I'm lonely.

I don't think of him anymore, really. And I am done with anyhtign adn everythign that had to do with him. But sometimes I wish there wasn't the shadowy fly in my head, somewhere behind my eyeballs, flitting around. You know the way flies do. Small, pesky, not doing any damage. You're not really concerned about the fly, you don't care about it, life goes on wiht or without it. Yet it's ocassional BUZZING in your ear can derrive from you the most irrate frustration adn anger if it buzzes long enough. Perpetually landing and lifting off of your arm, face, head. Driving you nuts. That's what he is now....steven the fly....or rather, thoughts of steven.....

I don't remember what he looks like, up close. I don't remember much of him at all....
Sad shame, that I was allowed to be touched by:

gah! people are...wierd
the only thing that is eer constant is music. That's it. Kansas is pulling some kind of shit and I don't know what it is.....I don't care what people decide to do in their fucked up heads, just so long as they have the decency to be honest about it. That is my one HUGE beef with jsut about everyone in my life. PEOPLE NEED TO BE FUCKING HONEST ADN UPFRONT ABOUT THINGS AND NOT ACT ON THEIR FEELINGS UNTIL THEY CAN BE UPFRONT ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!!

GOD! if there's one way to make me hate you it's dishonesty.....shit....you people suck.

I have great friends, but I just really don't care anymroe. I'm just waiting for them all to turn out to be idiots....and they are, one by one. Fuck you all, my god....what the hell??? I don't understand why people need to persist in trying to complicate things. They're never happy enough with the way things are. Take take take and it's still not enough, huh? ehhhh...

And you think you're all so happy now? don't you? I'm gonna wait for you to realize that every moment of your life has been a fucking mistake, and you've spent it just following some imaginary satiated feeling of contentment. You don't even know who the fuck you are, and you expect that you're happy?

blech....Yeah, that was directed at someone in particular.....I am so tired and so drained by all these people....................Nothing's ever good enough. I kinda hope you all die in a tragic explosion or something. Then it would all be gone. I really wish the majority of the people I know right now would die. i mean taht literally. Then i could be sad, and mourn them, and move on.

Sick of this place.

GIRLS
are so wonderful!!!

THe b-day party for kansas went off without a hitch! yay!

She gave me a ring a couple days ago, as a gift, before she went to vegas for the fall break. I turned my irish ring right-side up so I could wear kansas' ring on that finger too.....Anyone who knows me knows that this is a big deal. I have worn my irish ring upside-down on my left hand for as long as I've had it...and I get really Obsessive compulsive about it. According to Irish tradition, it should be right-side UP if I'm "taken" but I never could stand to turn it around whenever I have been in a relaitonship, I'm jsut attatched to the way it is....But the ring kansas gave me would n't fit on my finger if I didn't turn my irish ring...SO I did...and it hasn't bothered me....

SHe's something else

What a special girl

Identity as a Constant
Blah--going through my past and watching layers of who I WAS unfold into who I AM.

Spoke with hanah today for the first time in a LONG time...too long. Going to vegas over the weekend to see her. I'm quite excited.

Then, while I was at it, I decided to read over my old writings....Found this one:



Confusion seems to be my closest companion right now. And while I have always agreed with Emerson in that “there is no companion so companionable as Solitude,” it is that solitude which has brought me so close to the brink of insanity. I can’t stand it anymore. I am forced to live within myself, and every escape only brings me right back to where I started. Wishing is never futile. Only hoping. Many times the very act of wishing something has caused my wish to come true. Wishing forces me to accept what I want and after that penny sinks to the bottom, after the star falls from the sky, after the minute of wishing is over, there’s no going back. The propelling action of a wish is the only thing we have to wish for. Hoping, on the other hand, is dangerous. To hope is to leave everything to the forces of fate. To hope is become vulnerable. To hope is to risk, and I have learned that risking is too dangerous. . . or perhaps, not dangerous enough. I have hoped before, and I have failed. I shall only host hope in my heart so long as it earns its stay. The moment it proves false I shall leave it subject to the virulent winds of the harsh reality which forced it out. Never Forever, still echoing. . .still chasing itself, each other, myself, throughout the endlessly perpetuated tunnels of hope. . .False Hope. . .

Do people ever change? Can they change? I thought I'd answered this question before. I don't even know if I still feel the same way I did when I wrote this. I sympathize with it....and perhaps I still feel and think this way, too....So much of ME has changed....I change constatly, and I look for ways to change--evolve--anything, so long as I don't remain stagnant.
Yet there's still this...CORE....that stays the same. I'm not saying it's a bad thing...I gues that's what personality it.
But the voice in the fourteen-year-old passage above still rings with some of the same intervals and nuances that I carry with me today....I realize that there are pieces of me that HAVEN'T changed....And that that's ok....that no matter what happens, my identity is the constant.

Like a constant in a mathematical equation--it does not guaruntee the right answer (you have to do the rest of the work right), but without it, the right answer is impossible...

YOU FIND YOURSELF IN WHAT YOU SEE
If it's true, that you find yourself in what you see, Then the whole world around you in merely a reflection BACK to you....of your inner state...of the choices you have made (both conscious and subconscious). Upon this we recognize the truth of personal accountability. If what you SEE in your world is immaturity, betrayal, anger, people who have "wronged you", drama, sorrow, complications, etc., Then that is really only what you have created. This world and our experiences in it are like standing in a room of mirrors, in every direction we look, we will see a certain image, we can hate that image, blame what we see OUTSIDE of ourselves for our problems, or recognize the foolishness in that. Your anger at the outside world is only Anger at your own reflection.

Those you think have wronged you, hurt you, treated you unfairly, are only holding a mirror to your face, showing you the shadows in yourself you refuse to recognize any other way.

Turn inward.
Hold onto a few moments of SIlence and Stillness,
Let your gaurd down against yourself--because in the end, the one you are trying to protect yourself against is YOU....the one you are fighting is YOU.
TUrn inward and see what there is to be seen.
HOnestly, openly....
Do not be afraid of what you will find--just look, and then there is room for growth and change.

Because people DO change....we are who we are because of who we CHOOSE to be...

Fuck
OK...Another entry--two in one day, I know, But I ahve finished all my stuff at work..so...I've got nothing better to do.

I'M so frustrated. I suddenly realized that TODAY would have been Steven and I's two month anniversary...and I just go "YUCK!" It's like this: Either we shoudl ahve NEVER MET, NEVER DATED! or it should have lasted....Becasue the way things sit now...it just could not have ended well AT ALL...there was no possible way....ANd because I am disgusted at the thought of the life i would have led with him, it comes to this: We should have never met.

Yet I'm still left with stinging good memories:
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/296/2612/1024/howlong.jpg

This is cooling faster than I can.....
I'm scared.....I don't want to have cancer...I don't want to be terminally ill....I'm am awaiting the blood test results from my doctor. My symptoms are getting worse. I can't eat anything! I had four bites of yogurt today, and threw up....My body is rejecting everything. I talked to my doctor, and putting the pieces of the puzzle together, it looks like all my struggles to overcome this stupid eating disorder are really the fault of some other problem. I'm nervous. I don't want to know what's going on with my body, and at the same time, I do....

But I got a job playing piano full time! YAY! I guess there are some highlights to my life. Steven is still being cold. I have refused to speak to him. I will NOT fuel his anger. THe only things he could possibly have to say are spiteful, accusing--and if he needs to blame the wreck of his life on someone, fine--but I WILL not facilitate that sort of victimization. I understand we all deal with pain differently, but anger and aggression is so unnecessary and immature. I won't put myself in another position for him to take my power--ever again. Maybe in time, when he's calmed down a bit, I could talk to him...But what's the point? He's obviously not who I thought...not who HE thought...

I've got the most awesome version of "father Lucifer" playing right now...wow...

Well, I'm back to work, yuck!