Goodbye kansas
Yep. That's it. It's over with her. I just suddenly realized that I was re-living HEATHER all over again, and in that instant, the decision was made. I wrote her a goodbye letter. It wasn't mean or bitter or anything. I really didn't make a big deal of it at all. I simply informed her that I was no longer interested in her romantically, and that our interactions would change from here on out, that I would be more distant. I didn't go much into feelings, or how I felt hurt or wronged, because I don't. I simply don't think that she's in a place where my feelings can even be a second thought to her. And I also feel that our "friendship" is a farce, a cover that she uses for many people, to keep herself surrounded by admirers so that she can feel special. It's a way of accomadating for a lack of self esteem. Tay pointed it out to me. "Ever notice how all of the people that like kansas suddenly become her "best friends"? Yeah, ever since I told her I had a crush on her too, she's been SOO nice to me, and trying to be my dearest friend" When Taylor said that I just about shit my pants. Ok, not really. But it was the final realization-point, and I recognize now that I've just gotten myself into another manipulative mess.

So I wasted no time. I raced home, wrote to her to tell her I was DONE and it was OVER between us, and went peacefully to sleep. Is it bad that I feel nothing? THis was the right thing to do...possibly long over due. I don't feel guilty. In fact, I don't really feel anythign. I don't fel like anyhting drastic in my life has changed. ooh....is that bad? I don't know. I feel like Steven. No...that situation was totally different. I have real reasons not to let this thing between kansas and I go on....And Kansas deserved it, really. I don't know...I don't THINK I deserved the ill treatment I got from steve...maybe I did. Then again, I'm hardly ill-treating kansas. Just setting my boundaries, for my own self-dignity.

Yeah...I'm done talking myself into feeling justified. The truth is, I am, and I've felt this way for a while. And it was time to just act on it. I feel better.

So long, farewell, little miss kansas

PEACE