It's the end of the world. I guess it always has been. the earth, like us, has been dying from the moment of birth--no...since the moment of conception, even.
I don't believe in fear. But I must say, I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I decided to believe in God today. Whatever that means. It doesn't have to mean ANYTHING religious, or even the conception of a patriarchal figure, or a creator. It just means there's something out there -- some heart of the universe -- that IS still beating, and that will continue toi live long after I die. It means there's an existance beyond my own. I have to believe that because I hear it, in the music. The music is so much more than ME....I die inside of it everyday, and it resurrects me. There....Music is my god.
I am lonely. But not sorry or sad about it. But it's a fact, as much as any arbitrary feeling can be factual. I'm lonely.
I don't think of him anymore, really. And I am done with anyhtign adn everythign that had to do with him. But sometimes I wish there wasn't the shadowy fly in my head, somewhere behind my eyeballs, flitting around. You know the way flies do. Small, pesky, not doing any damage. You're not really concerned about the fly, you don't care about it, life goes on wiht or without it. Yet it's ocassional BUZZING in your ear can derrive from you the most irrate frustration adn anger if it buzzes long enough. Perpetually landing and lifting off of your arm, face, head. Driving you nuts. That's what he is now....steven the fly....or rather, thoughts of steven.....
I don't remember what he looks like, up close. I don't remember much of him at all....
Sad shame, that I was allowed to be touched by: