ARGH
I'm trying to be a good friend to Aaron. He's got the hots for this girl named Janet and he's having me try to help and fix them up, but there are other people who keep on messing with her. I like Janet- she's very sweet and everything that I ever wanted in a friend. It's too bad that Aaron had first dibs on her. It's so hard on me to hear him talk about his fantasies with her. I"m like, hello? We're still married! I mean, we still share a bed and it just bothers me that it looks like he'll jump straight out of my arms into her arms. He had me email her. Well, I let him type an email to her from me in my email account. How pathetic is that? That's a big change for me. I normally wouldn't do that, but he really really wants to be with her and thinks that she's perfect.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

Swamped with homework
Hi there-
I've been swamped with homework, but it's homework I'm enjoying, so it's not as much of a drag as it would seem to be. I love my major! I'm majoring in library and information sciences.

I have big goals and big dreams. I hope to be so successful one day that I'm asked to be a speaker at an ALA conference or something similar to that. That's a big time conference- HUGE!

I wish I could go this year! It's in Orlando. I envy everybody else who gets to go!

I better get back to work

My mistakes caught up with me
*BIG LONG SIGH*

This is it. I've made so many irrepairable mistakes. I have finally been really truly thinking about what I've done to my husband and my son.

I thought that I truly loved them. What if I don't love them after all? I mean, if one loves a person, they would NOT commit the hideous things that I have done to Aaron and the way that it all affected Trinity.

I called up my family and asked them to bring me home. They're sending me a bus ticket. I am so lost. It all seems so hopeless and I feel so helpless. I feel like I have no choice but to just go. So that Aaron can try to find real love- love that I guess I do not know. I'm crying as I write this. It really breaks my heart to realize I may NOT have known how to love after all.

Or is that my heart breaking? Perhaps I do not even have a heart after all- maybe it's my security blanket being yanked away. The security I felt when I knew my son loved me and that Aaron was so loving and forgiving. I took advantage of that- not realizing what I was doing until recently.

Aaron does not believe me that I truly did not realize what i was doing- but I truly didn't. He says that it takes more effort to do bad shit than it does to just back off and not do anything which would be good stuff.

Maybe this is who I am. Maybe I am just a bad heartless mean bitch who takes everything for granted. I don't want to be that kind of person.

I just have been thinking so much- and feeling so sad and depressed about what I have done to Aaron. and what my son had to go through as a consquence.

I'm just hating myself for destorying so many lives and for robbing Aaron of the last five years of his life.

I don't think there's anything I ever could do to make up for what I've done- lying, cheating on him, ruining things so that he's unable to work, ruining a chance with a girl he wanted to get with because I was jealous, running all of his friends off... Man, Aaron has gone through so much.

He says that I'm feeling sorry for myself, not for him. Well... I do not think I am- I am trying so hard to change and I do not know how. I have been trying and I thought my efforts were fruitful- that I did change- slowly, but a change... I noticed a difference in the way I react. I no longer get angry or jealous when I see him talking to other people. I just back off. Before, I would hound him. I try not to anymore. I try to keep the house clean. I didn't do that before. I'm trying to be thoughtful of Aaron's feelings- by keeping my distance. Before, I'd try to force myself on him.

I thought I changed. I guess I didn't after all. Aaron says that I just stopped doing the bad things, but not doing anything to make it better.

It must be a lost cause.

I'm just going to make information science my whole life. Nothing can ever fill the void in my life that Aaron and especially my son used to fill. But I can distract myself by just immersing myself into my work and education.

I just don't know who I am anymore. I just hope I turn out to be a decent, nice person who knows how to love. It's so... I cant think of the word.... I mean, I must not know love after all, when I thought I did... that's really a big blow and a harsh wake-up call.

I just don't know.

Who am I kidding?
I thought that if I try hard enough that Aaron could learn to love me the way he used to- Maybe that's expecting too much of him. Things may never ever be the way they should at least be. Aaron feels angry and has every right to be. I just wish he would not constantly remind me every single day of what I've done. I feel that if he reminds me, he's keeping the pain and memory fresh in his mind. If he does that, how can the memory fade when he keeps it at the tip of his brain- he's hurt and angry.

I think my son and my husband may very well be better off without me. I speak of moving out so that Aaron can go on with his life with whomever he wants- but when I speak of moving out, he resists it and tells me no, you won't. You'd just come back.

I can't see why there cannot be a middle ground. Why does it have to be me across the country, never to have contact again or for me to stay with him and change my ways. I'm trying so hard to change. I'm trying to learn how to respect everybody. I needed a place to vent- hence this weblog.

whew.

It's been busy. I have lots of homework and I need to go do grocery shopping tonight. It's triple coupon night- if I'm gonna get the most food for the dollar, I better do it tonight. I shop at Shaw's and Caswell's- and Wal-Mart Supercenter. I divide it up- the coupon stuff at Shaw's, the bulk stuff at Caswell's, and the other stuff at Wal-Mart.

This is not where I thought I'd be in life today. Not at all!

When I was 18, I thought that by the time I was 25, I'd have at least three kids, finishing up college, getting ready to renew our vows so I could have the dream wedding I wanted, and getting ready to go to graduate school.

Well, I'm 23- I have one son- I am in college- The rest- hah. Never will happen. I'd give anything to at least have just one more child. I am trying to just give up on that idea completely. But it dwells in my mind and my heart- it tugs at my heart. My desire is that strong- but I do not have the right to want that.

I'm trying to let go of my dreams and accept my life as it is. My dreams and my spirits has been broken.

Life Day by Day
I'm feeling swamped with things to do- two big papers due in two weeks along with 8 little papers due within two weeks. The two big ones are to be 8-12 page- no less than 8 pages excluding the title page and biblography. The smaller papers are to be about 2 pages long, double spaced. Yikes.

I also have the apartment to clean- it is a mess! I also need to remember to exercise. Gotta really work on that. My body is getting too soft.

I better close for now and focus on attacking my "to-do" list!

Tishia

My first entry
I'm starting this as a place to sort out my thoughts and my issues. If somebody finds their way to this, please post a comment-

I guess I'll start with the basics. My name is Tishia. I am 23 years old and I am currently a student at the University of Maine in Augusta. I have been married to a wonderful man named Aaron- I've been with him since I was 17. We have a four year old son together.

Aaron is a wonderful man and I've done things to really hurt him. I'm trying to change. I'm turning to God, pleading to him for forgiveness from both God and Aaron. Aaron is angry and understandably so. I'm just scared he may never get over it- he's really trying to. Nobody can say, well, he didn't try hard. He is- I'm the one who needs to try harder.

I'll write more later.