"The difference between sex and death is,
death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you."
— Woody Allen.
"If you don't enjoy masturbation,
you only have yourself to blame."
"Nothing is better than sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
masturbation is better than sex."
"And we were poor too.
Why if I wasn't born a boy,
I'd have had nothing to play with."
— Rodney Dangerfield.
"The good thing about masturbation is
that you don't have to dress up for it."
— Truman Capote.
"My schoolmates would
make love to anything that moved,
but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
— Emo Philips.
"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock.
If I'm late start without me."
— Tallulah Bankhead.
"What do you call a tall guy who can
masturbate 10 times in a single day ?
it's not a joke,
I really need to know,
because I want to put it on my resume."
— Damon R. Milhem.
"To all virgins........
thanks for nothin'."
— Bumper sticker.
"— Stop that son,
you'll go blind !
— I'm over here dad..."
I finally realized a longtime fantasy...
I came all over my girlfriend's face.
was she pissed when she woke up..."
'Cindy Crawford Workout Video'
is bloody marvelous.
I've only had it a fortnight
and I've already got a right arm like
"If God had intended us not to masturbate,
He would have made our arms shorter."
— George Carlin
"Life is like a penis:
when it's soft you can't beat it,
and when it's hard you get fucked."
"Why do married men gain weight
while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator,
see nothing they want,
then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed,
see nothing they want,
then go to the refrigerator."
"Is it true, Dad,
I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
"That happens in every country, son."
"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married;
and then it was too late."
"It takes a smart husband
to have the last word and not use it."
"Personally I know nothing about sex
because I have always been married."
— Zsa Zsa Gabor.
I'm married, I do both."
"Love may be blind
but marriage is a real eye-opener !"
"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."
First guy (proudly say's):
"My wife's an angel !"
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"The most effective
way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once."
If diamonds are forever,
why do you have to buy
a new one every friggin' anniversary ?"
— Josh Forman.
there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce,
but only a 15-day waiting period
for buying a handgun.
It's nice to know the government
is giving us advice
on how to work out our problems."
— Matt Sullivan.
"Marriage is like a phone call in the night:
first the ring,
and then you wake up."
— Evelyn Hendrickson.
"I don't know why you wear a bra,
you've got nothing to put in it".
"You wear briefs, don't you ?"