In My World

Justin Duliba

• Dates to Remember
• Here and Now
• Tomorrow

Forever a Friend

On June 11, 2001

I said to you: "When you see me, what do you see? What do you wish that you could hear of me, or from me? I see you, I see the way you smile at me, the way you look at me, but, when I turn to look, you quickly look away. I can see the desire in your eyes, how soft they are, how harmless and meaningful, and full of stories...to be told."

Today, December 6, 2004

Justin Duliba, I ask you again…. when you think of me, envision me, what is it that you see? When you hear my voice inside of your head, what is it that you hear me say? What is it that you wish you heard me say?

I can still see your smile, I can still hear your laugh, your words echoing in my head. I miss that smile, I miss your presence. I miss your stare, as anxious as it made me, I miss it. But, then again, you already knew that.  

 

"I can only affect you in ways that you allow me to. I can only do what it is that you allow me to do. You are the one that has opened up enough to allow this. Thank you."

Today, I see, that I had a greater affect on you than any force of life, of nature, of spirit. You and I were able to connect in so many ways, that so many people in this world, in this existence can only dream of doing. I told you, that I have been missing a part of me, a part of me that I had shared with you, freely given to you because I loved you, I trusted in you, I connected with you, I actually…”felt” with you. You opened my eyes to see a part of me that I had never seen before; a part of me that I never knew even existed. It turned out to be a beautiful part of me, which I shared, only with you. Since you left, I haven’t been able to open up that part of me again. It isn’t the same.

I know it never will be the same, but, I can wish it were.
What is it I truly crave...the memory or the existence?  

 

"In 2001, did you think of me because you never met anyone that was like you? Did I intrigue you? Was I mysterious and make you wonder? You knew the answers then, within yourself, and why you did the things you did."

And now, I ask you…have you ever met anyone else like you? Do I still hold that mysteriousness that I once held three years ago?
 

 

 
"Justin, I knew you were not afraid. You were the one in which feared nothing. You have seen scarier things, you have heard more frightening things, and you have done them as well. Don’t be afraid of that which is different, that which is mysterious. You’re not. I think...cautious...would be the described word here. And rightfully and justifiably so. But don’t be too cautious, because it could quickly turn in to a fear."

"That which pains you...does it feel more like an emptiness rather than a wound?"

"There are many things that I feel Justin. And yes, many of them, I question, but some of them, I do not. Sometimes, it is better not to question."

"Listen closely Justin, and you shall hear everything it is that you wish to hear. Just Listen."

"With you always, ..."

On September 20, 2001

You told me that you say what you want and live with no regrets You do as you please and most of all never hold back You said that you would forever go forth with the weight of the oceans and the force of life itself. You followed your statement with: To not express yourself in all your beauty, and too hold back that which you must show is to rob the world of all the riches it has bestowed upon you. You must give to receive, and express to be loved.

Do you still believe in these words, that you yourself had written? Do you find yourself living by this statement?

Thursday November 8, 2001

"In response to a question of WHERE WILL YOU BE?"
You responded with:
"I will always be there, if not with you then for you. If a thousand years separate us, I will take that journey to be next to you when in need."

 

~~Fate has a sick sense of humor. ~~

 

 

Do you remember the unspoken gifts?

"There were times, that all you had to do was look at me to make me smile.
When you were with me, I felt an overwhelming security.
When I went to sleep at night, I couldn’t help but smile, because I knew how perfect you were and I knew you might be thinking of me...
When I was awake early enough that I could look up in to the skies at the dawn of the approaching day, and everything felt as though it was in harmony with everything else, even though, it was not...it was, within your heart
When I looked in to the mirror each day, I no longer saw the person that I used to be, I saw someone different, and more alive...because you'd made me feel like someone special again
When I’d listen to the whisper of the winds, I could hear your voice within it...telling me.... many things
Sometimes, I’d feel as if my whole world was falling apart, I could hear your voice and then everything fell in to place,
When I woke up in the morning, I didn’t feel as if it was just another day...I instead thought of all the things that I could do with you and know that there are unlimited possibilities.
I’d look at you and I would see all of the things...you say, and think and feel...
And when I finally got a moment to think in my chaotic life, to think about you...and the chaos faded in to the background..."

Those...were my unspoken gifts.

 

Here and Now

I have no regrets about my past. I have come to accept that what has come to happen in my life has happened for a reason, even if I don't know what those reasons are yet. Many people have come and gone in my life and served a very valuable purpose. From each of them, a lesson has been learned, knowledge has been gained, a gift received, and in return, I have equally given.

I believe that you played a very important role in my life and in some ways, you still do, even though you are not physically here. We learned from each other, we grew from each other, we gained experiences in life that we might not have, had it not been for each other. In some ways, you will always be a part of me, and I a part of you. We will always have a connection, greater than that which can be explained, and more importantly, greater than that which can be destroyed. I see that now. I know that now. I feel that now. As I did not before. You and I carried a friendship like no other. One where there was true understanding, communication and giving without thought of receiving. A friendship that most people could only wish for.

Tomorrow

I look forward to the "tomorrows". Why? Because it is one day closer to discovering who I am, where I want to be, where fate is going to lead me. Because it might be the day fate finds me a new friend, teaches me a new lesson, or gives me another reason to smile. Sure, I have enjoyed the "yesterday's", but I think I'm going to have much more fun with the "tomorrow's".

And who knows...maybe tomorrow...you'll be there.


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