My Poems My Songs .....page 2

All My Days

I don't know what I feel for you
It's stronger than what I can say
Unaware of how it came about
Or why it decides to stay

The things that I want most
Couldn't possibly ever be mine
I wouldn't know how to keep them
Not even in my mind

Would you see me if I walked in front of you
Would you even know my name
If I told you that I love you
Would things still remain the same?

Maybe you're afraid to see
Or maybe to admit what's real
You're afraid to know the truth
That this is how I feel

Would you know what to think
Or even what to do?
Why won't you accept the fact
That it's possible for me to love you?

These feelings shouldn't be happening
But I can't just push them away
Out of all the pain I've caused myself
This one I want to stay

I'd rather feel sorrow all my days
Just to know that you're there
Oblivious to the love I have
Just to show you I care


You

You sold yourself to the world
For what you never wanted
Thrown in the windstorm of life
You waste away your days
And you want to end it all
You hate the feeling of want
And the absence of love
Your eyes lie to you
And show you the glitter of the world
You reached out your hand
For a glimpse of the unknown
Instead you were burned
By the powers of loneliness
And to show you what is real
Your life is given again
Not to be blinded by all that surroundes you
Nor to be wasted away in solitude
But to dream of the unreal
To think the unthinkable
To touch the untouchable
And to love the unlovable
Your eyes are still shut
Oblivious to what is handed to you
Don't give up hope to be alone once again
Don't lose touch with the love
The love you don't know is there
What you need is handed to you
Catch it before it slips through your fingers
And you return to the place you loathe 


Clawing

Skin under my nails
Blood on my hands
Life in the air
Dead body in the sand

Tears dried on my face
Within dead dreams
Silence in the wind
Pierced by screams

Life in my hands
A breath of hate
Lies told again
Decide my fate

Dead fingers move
Clawing at my skin
Wrap around my body
Tear me within

Cold air surrounding
Stale in the night
A soul tormented
A sad, lonely sight

Hands reach out
Grasping for whats calling
Fingers slip from reality
Fall back into whats clawing


Nothing At All (song)

So you call me the one you want
And tell me you'd give your life for mine
Then tell me why you left me dying
And found a new source of love

This world can create love
Hate and pain, watch it grow
But this world can't show the truth
Behind each emotion, no no
It won't let you see what's coming
Heading for the downfall
This world blinds you from reality
When love is nothing at all

So you looked into my eyes
And gave me a part of your soul
Then you took what i had inside
And tore my life into pieces

And when you fall down on your way
You'll reach out for me to hold
But then you'll look back to the past
And remember the love you took away

This world can create love
Hate and pain, watch it grow
But this world can't show the truth
Behind each emotion, no no
It won't let you see what's coming
Heading for the downfall
This world blinds you from reality
When love is nothing at all

So you call this your free will
What you do when you need strength to go on
Then you break down and fall apart
And forget who you were all along

This world can push you down 
But you wont turn away from the need
Then you claw your way through the ice
And break through into another lie

This world can create love
Hate and pain, watch it grow
But this world can't show the truth
Behind each emotion, no no
It won't let you see what's coming
Heading for the downfall
This world blinds you from reality
When love is nothing at all


You Can't Hear Me Breathe (song)

You don't like the things I say
And you refuse to hear me speak
You don't like the words that come out of my mouth
Or the way I chose to breathe

You can't hear me breathe
You can't hear me breathe
Try to cover my mouth
Put the pillow over my face
Hold me down till you take my breath 
Strip me from this place

There I laid in my bed awake
Waiting to hear myself stop breathing
Waiting for your hands to cover my mouth
Holding onto nothing that I'm seeing

The wind blew hard on me
Taking my breath away
That night my words were waiting for you
Whispering in your ear to end the gray

You can't hear me breathe
You can't hear me breathe
Try to cover my mouth
Put the pillow over my face
Hold me down till you take my breath 
Strip me from this place

You tie me down with your hands of strength
The ropes held tight on me still
The blood I cough from my lungs isnt enough
My last breath is your wish and will

I reach out for you, I pull you in
I look into your eyes and breathe
You take my breath away with my death
And hold onto the thing you dreamed

You can't hear me breathe
You can't hear me breathe
Try to cover my mouth
Put the pillow over my face
Hold me down till you take my breath 
Strip me from this place

You can't hear me breathe
You can't hear me breahte


Atrocity

A lonely starvation of life
Bleeding into an endless river
A soul hanging on by a thread
Another cold wind turning into a shiver

The days go on into endless nights
Winding down the road of solitude
A heart beating a somber rhythm
With spikes of hate begining to protrude

The same old song plays in my head
Throwing words across my brain
A life listening to every word spoken
Words connecting to my life being arcane

A desperate cry in the dark
Pleading for a release from pain
A body hanging in the wind to dry
Pierced from objection and disdain

A redundant routine practiced daily
Borrowing thoughts and emotions to consume
A mind full of stolen agendas
Attepmting to let the draining resume

The last resort to prevent the inevitable
The drastic measures and devastating themes
A soul drowned in desolate nightmares
Enhancing the world's evil schemes 


Did You Know

Did you know that everything was going to fall
and crush you below
Did you know it was going to go so wrong
Did you know
Could you see that it was going to be ok for me
Could you feel the light in my eyes
Hey you, did you ever realize what you did to me
You built me up by knocking me down
My pain became strength 
and my heart towers over you
Did you know all the times you made me cry
I was dying inside?
Did you know
Did you see that everything you made me
Completed me
Did you feel the way I felt when you said I love you
Did you feel the way I hated you when you said goodbye
Can you see me now
Did you know me then
Where are you now
Do you know who I am
Would you know me now if you looked
You wouldn't see a bleeding heart 
You wouldn't hear cries in the night
You would feel a force so strong
Beating you to see the light
Did you know that it was all going to be ok
Did you know that I wanted it this way
Did you know
Could you see that it was killing you
By leaving me
Could you feel the tears in my eyes
Could you see the coldness in my stare
and did you know
That I would be ok after all
I never thought that youd stop seeing
and lose the light in your eyes
Did you know you'd be blinded by me
Did you know everything around you would fall
Did you know that this is me
Did you know
Could you see that you made me who I am
You broke me apart only to make me stronger
Did you know
Did you know that I thank you for this
and did you know that I'll never forget you
Did you know
Did you know that my hate became life
and I'm surviving now
Did you know that I dont need you anymore


Lie To Me

You don't see me the way I do
You can't feel the same things
You don't know how cold I am
and how I grow apart everyday
You don't see the lights
and how they fade away
Just like my life
Fading myself away
I'm sick of people telling me
They know how I feel
and they can relate
Just go away far away
I don't want your sympathy
I don't want your comfort
Your empathy and love
I don't want anything
Don't tell me to be happy
Don't tell me I can't be sad
You don't know what I've lived in
The life I've known forever
You don't see the darkness
You can't feel the hate
The rage building inside me
To be released on myself
Maybe you or maybe me
Maybe tomorrow or today
Who knows where or when
But only why, you should know
I've had a bad day again
and I know you don't see
I'm sorry I feel this way
and I let you down again
The blue sky is turning black
and my eyes are closing shut
My lungs stop breathing
and my mouth no longer speaks
Falling further from my mind
I lose control of myself
Looking to yesterday
The light is gone in me
The past makes me want to cry
and knowing my future
I'm going to die
Leave me be and let me go
Don't try to stop me
I know it's not what you want
Lie to me again
Show me your face
Then turn away
Lie to my eyes
You look the other way
Lie to me face to face
and then deny it
Lie to me again
Please lie to me


4am

It's 4 am and I lay here awake
Wondering why, infact I am here
Is there a reason for my being
And the prolonged madness I've endured?
I stare at the hands on the clock
I watch them move away
I follow them around in circles
And I see my life pass me by
It's after 4 am on an early Saturday morning
Why won't my eyes shut,
And what am I doing?
When will 4 am leave me?
My eyes are burning constantly
From smoke, the air, and my tears
It hurts to blink
And my eyes are like a desert if I don't
Half past 4 am on an August night
Do I feel my mind begin to fade?
Do my eyes begin to close?
Or am I just taking a break from 4 am?


Used

People claim that they love me
Then they take it away
They tell me to save my love
For a rainy day

They pull me in
And then tear me apart
They take advantage
Of my broken heart

People hold me with a fake embrace
Making me twist and bend
Setting me up for a downfall
And pushing me off the deep end

They break my trust then ask for more
I can't go on any longer
I craved for a love that's true
And I begged you to fullfill my hunger

I gave you all I had and kept on giving
All I wanted was for the same thing back
Instead I was given a goodbye
Because what I gave, you lacked 


Useless

Nevermind it doesn't matter
I'm useless and overdone
Burntout and fragile
It's all coming to an end
Crashing down on me
Bury me alive
And stop my breathing
Forget what I said
I'm useless and hopeless
No meaning for life
No use for me
I'm alright being alone
Because I've known nothing else
Tear me apart
And break me down
Kill me now
And dust off your hands


Escape

Keep me away from myself
Don't let me fall down
I need your help and you're not here
No one believes me
And neither do I
I make no sense
I lost myself
I cry so hard I can't breathe
I think so much I can't see
I want to leave here
And never come back
I need everything you've got
But will you give it
Is it possible for me to do this
You don't want to see me
I'm going to end it all
And never come back
I hate this place
I hate you
I hate me
I hate everything I see
I cry too much
I need a break
Take me away from this all
Can I ever escape my mind? 


Help Me

I hate everything I do
I can't take it anymore
I want out of this place
Turn me around
Send me to another world
You make me feel useless
Worthless and unwanted
You make me hate
Inside and out
I hate my feelings
And everything around me
I want to be numb
Numb from the world
And everything I love
I can't love anymore
I forgot how to live
Let me end it and be gone
Help me be free
Set me free
Help me forget
Help me


Abuse

Pain
You hurt me so much
I trusted you
Let down
I gave you everything
Taken away
It's all gone
Away
Throw me away
I'm useless to you now
Your job is done
You've used me
Washed up
Take me down
Give up
I'm over
It's done
You hurt me
End this
And never talk to me
It hurts
Your talk
The words cut me
Like a thousand knives
In my body
Blood
Dripping from my heart
Broken apart
Beat up by you 


Ugly

I'm cold and alone
Lost and ugly
Used and beaten
Thrown around
My eyes are blind
And my heart is stone
My voice is faint
I'm unwanted
Let me lay
And cry in the dirt
I'm ugly and dead
Leave me be
Let me die alone
I've lived alone
Let me know the same in death
I cry alone
I'm ugly alone
My breath is cold
A chill to the touch
And I sit here
Sifting in the dust
The lights are bright
No sight anywhere
Just light
The tunnel is dark
Just a light
At the end of the road
My road
I would give up everything
Just to feel
Just to see
Just to be free
I would give you my life
To see great things
To be something special
To feel the worlds warm
I would die for my thoughts
I die for my sight
My laughter 
My cries
I'll die tonight
Because of your lies
My lies
Everyones lies
If I could change 
Would you change
Would I still be ugly
If I could change?
The world can stop
And spin around
But in the end
Time will fall
And I will still be here
Crying at all hours
Dying alone
Ugly


If Tomorrow Never Came

If tomorrow never came
Would you know that I love you
I'd never have another chance
To show you what I can do

If tomorrow was gone
And the winds stopped blowing
I couldn't leave this world
Without you knowing

If tomorrow never came
And the rain stopped falling
Would you be able to hear my voice
Without me calling?

If tomorrow wasn't promised
And we didnt know how to deal
If the only thing was love
Would you be able to feel

If tomorrow leaves nothing
Could there be a love to grasp
Or would you only see
Your shadows of the past

If tomorrow never came
It wouldnt be what it seems
If tomorrow never happened
I'd still have you in my dreams 


Killing Me

I hide in the corner
And shut my eyes
I lock the fears inside

I run from the reality
And trip over my life
I fall into imaginations

I see the world
Standing on the outside
I turn and walk away

I curl up in a ball
To comfort myself
Because I have no one

I close my eyes
And begin to see
This life I'm living 
Is killing me

I fall into a hole
Dug specifically for me
The grave I built all these years

I watch my life
Slipping through my fingers
Sliding away from reality

I pick up a blade
And cut my life away
Bleeding into another world

I shake and cry alone
Sitting in the dark
I end it all

I close my eyes
And begin to see
This life I'm living
Is killing me
It's killing me


The Real Me (song written 2-2-03)

Don't tell me how to be
Don't you ever tell me you know
Don't tell me you're sorry
Don't you ever tell me what to show

'Cause you don't know the real me
You don't know what's inside
You say you've been there before
But no, you ran to hide

When I'm lonely and cold
Nothing means a thing to me
My blood is cold and frozen
Told you I'm not what you see

Don't think you know what to do
Try not to help me today
Could you please stop thinking
I don't care about what you say

'Cause you don't know the real me
You don't know what's inside
You say you've been there before
But no, you ran to hide

'Cause you don't know the real me
You don't know what's inside
You say you've been there before
But no, you ran to hide

No I don't care anymore
About anyone....or anything
I don't care about anyone
Not you.....not me

'Cause you don't know the real me
You don't know what's inside
You say you've been there before
But no, you ran to hide

'Cause you don't know the real me
You don't know what's inside
You say you've been there before
But no, you ran to hide

'Cause you don't know the real me
You don't know the real me (fade)

Your Deceit (2/17/03)

He knows not what to be
He doesn't see my shades
Of everything I long to see

Nothing remains through blades
I cut through the ties of your heart
Watching the pieces be frayed

Don't be afraid of the part
But know that I'll be done
In you is where it'll start

Watch where it has begun
See the way it flows
And taste the color of the sun

Crimson liquid grows
Slipping through my veins
To a place no one knows

A colorful beat of pain
Taken from the source
Of fallen acid rain

The darkness feels so coarse
The shreds of life I eat
Bring upon me your remorse

A queen of the dark offbeat
I take in your shy force
And turn into your deceit

Look Into My Eyes (2/12/03)

Look into my eyes
Tell me what you see
Am I built of lies?
Am I made to bleed?

Brush your hand away
Take down from my skin
Do you feel the coldness stay?
Will you come again?

Put your heart inside
Wrap it up in me
Do you know why I hide?
Is it to the same degree?

Hold my hand your hands
Give me what you feel
Take me from the former land
Escape from what is real

Take my bleeding heart
Fill it up with glue
Do you see it falls apart?
Even when I'm with you?

Try to feel the inner glow
Eat it up inside
Am I just part of the show?
Where is all my pride?

Look into my eyes
Feel the pain in me
Bleeding, full of cries
Will you set me free? 

He (2/12/03)

He sighs
He sleeps
He wakes to sigh again
He never knows where to begin

He cries
He waits
He begins to cry again
He used to be my friend

He's gone
He's back
He leaves to come again
He never tries to win

He dies
He sleeps
He waits to die again
He knows where to begin

Fiction

If I told you what I was, would you see
If I showed you what was really inside me

Would you hear the words that I say
Or would you stop me and say go away

Would you pretend that everything is real
Would you deny the way I really feel

The words you say mean nothing to me
I've tried to tell you but you still don't see

That of all the words that come from your mouth
I really dont care what it's all about

Time and again I've tried to get close
But what I don't feel, you feel the most

I cannot be what you've always wanted
The dreams of me now will leave you haunted

Please just walk away with only these memories 
Don't remember the cause of this disease

You'll soon forget that I am here
This is what I told you about my dear

I can't be what you want me to be
Being of fiction, is just not me

Dirty Hands

Dirty hands holding me down
Keeping me from life
Pushing me deeper
Drowning my soul in blood
Drawn from my own body
Dirty hands squeezing me tight
Stealing my last breath
Inhaling the coldness
Holding my cries
Suffocating me with my own hand
Dirty hands
Your dirty hands
On my body
Stealing the life from me
Dirty hands touching me
Covering my face
And holding my arms down
Tying me together
And tearing me apart
Dirty hands sweating with fear
My hands are covered in blood
And washed away with tears
My dirty hands are yours
And the water is no longer clear
Dirty hands
My dirty hands
On my body
Stealing the life from me
My dirty hands
Ended a life of pain
And ended me

My Ghost

I'm still here
Even though you left me for dead
I'm still breathing
With your hands over my mouth
I made it through
Past all of your obstacles
Your death games
You cannot lose me
I'll come find you
You cannot kill me
Before I kill you
My eyes are sewn shut
But I still see you
My mouth is stapled shut
But you still hear me
You cannot get rid of me
I'll be here forever
I'll haunt you in your dreams
And I'll watch you sleep
The coldness is my touch
The stale air is my breath
The shadows are my memories
And the rain is my tears
You cannot kill me anymore
I'm immortal to your touch
What you hated is gone
But what you feel is my ghost

Close To You

I want to be close to you
And be held in your arms
I want to be free from the world
And safe from harm

I don't want to hate anymore
I want my tears to end
I want to live my life
With nothing to defend

You can make me happy 
More than I'd ever know
I thought I'd never feel this again
No matter how far I would go

We can make the sun rise
And the earth go around
You could make me so happy
I'd never touch the ground

I want to feel your touch
Your hands on my skin
I want to be so close to you
And feel you within

The things we could do
No one could stop us
We'd be untouchable
And no one would hurt us

I wish you were here
But theres nothing I can do
All I want right now
Is to be close to you

This Girl

This girl you see
Her mask is bright
She wears it boldly
But hides it at night

She is not real
Not to you nor me
Her mask is her shell
Without it, she won’t be

She has painted herself
Laughter and smiles
But her tears are strong
Running miles and miles

She needs your love
Your help and support
Her mask has grown weak
And her smiles have run short

What she needs
Is nothing from here
She needs a love so pure
To take away all the tears

Her soul is lost
And her guard is down
Her tears have pooled up
In which she will drown

This girl I speak of
Is no one new, you see
I’ve worn her mask before
The girl you know, is me

These Thoughts

I can’t think
I’ve lost touch with reality
I have nothing to save me
And I am lost
I’ve gone out alone
To a place I’ve never been
And I can’t seem to find
the way home
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
I have nothing left inside me
It’s all been taken away
The feelings replaced by the cold
And I am numb
I feel pain throughout my body
But I don’t know how to see it
I’ve lost the last thing I had
The company of myself
I can’t even begin to try
To think straight anymore
I’m at the rope’s end
And I have nowhere to go
I don’t know what to hold onto
Or how to scream for help
I forgot how to speak
All I do is cry
Now I need a way out
But how am I supposed to try
I need my thoughts
Back inside me
They’re all I’ve got left
To keep me alive

The Times Before

Everytime we speak
I fall deeper
And you don’t know it

I feel so much
I can’t breathe
But you don’t show it

I never see you
But I feel you
And you know it

I want you here
To feel me now
But then I blow it

I lost you again
I’m falling away
Wanting you to slow it

I want you to see me
How far I am
And let you know it

But then I remember
The times before
So I shouldn’t show it

Take Me Away

Take me away
From everything that surrounds me
Send me to a far away land
Where I can be me

Take me away
From all the lies I live in
This denial is killing me
And I need you to live

Take me away
And come with me
Leave everything behind
And lets just be

Take me away
From all the pain and the tears
Be the strength I need to carry on
When I’m weak and weary

Take me away
Come fly with me
Let’s soar above all this mess
And run from everything

Take me away
Keep me from all these memories
Dry the tears they’ve created
And take away my pain.

Please Save Me

Pushing me away
Leads to more pain
Endless nights I cry
Again and again
Sinking deeper into the water
Each and every day
Someone please help me
Another cry in the dark
Vanishing into thin air
Emptiness is all that surrounds me
Miserable and hopeless
Epitomizing everything I’ve ever known

Isn't It Funny

Isn’t it funny how I used to think
You saved me
From this world
From this life
From myself.

It’s funny how I used to think
Every song was ours
Every star held a wish
Everyone wanted to be us
Everyday we’d be together.

It’s funny how things change
How you used to love me
How you needed your space
How there isn’t a future
For us.

Isn’t it funny
Everyday I still think of you
Everyday I still miss you
Everyday I still need you
Everyday I still love you.

Isn’t it funny
I still cry for you
I still crave you
I still feel for you
I still dream of you.

Isn’t it funny
The way you used to touch me
The way you hugged me goodbye
The way you said it’s over
The way I watched you leave.
Isn’t it funny

Here I Wait

Desperately waiting
And hanging on
Waiting for something
To come about
I roll over again
And stare at the wall
The same wall
Waiting for it to look different
I’m dying for it to change
I lay here waiting
I close my eyes
And begin to dream
I dream of a place
Of imagination
But reality sets in
And I am awakened
I’m waiting, endlessly
Hoping for it to die
Wanting everything
To come crashing down
And topple over
And bury me
I’m waiting
For the light to change
For the clock to tick
For my eyes to blink
I’m waiting
For the mail to come
For the phone to ring
For another bomb
Quietly I await
In agonizing pain
I wait for you
I wait for thise life
This so called life
I wait for it to end
I wait for it to begin
Here I lay
Holding my fate
But still I stay
And here I wait

Don't Hide 

Don’t hide behing the shadows
of your broken soul
I know you’re in pain
but don’t hide from me
Show me all that you have
Let me feel everything
I want to be a part of you
Let me love you
Don’t lie to yourself
And say no one will ever love you
Open your eyes and look
Look at what is standing in front of you
A love you’ve never known before
And I want to give it all to you
I can love you like no other
Don’t hide from the love
Don’t go behind your fears
And sleep alone in the dark
Let me be the one to hold you
And the one you want me to be.

Did You Ever

Do you ever
think about everything
you’ve never thought of
and begin to realize
that you forgot
what you didn’t know?
Have you ever
been to a place
you’ve never seen
and thought you
weren’t really there
because it’s unknown?
Will you ever
come to realize
that this is all real
but you’re living in a dream
and that what you’re imagining
is actually happening?
Can you ever
forgive me for loving you
because you didn’t see
that the love was given
and the pain that you felt
actually wasn’t there?
Did you ever
see me this way
and notice things
that weren’t there before
but then realize
that what you didn’t see
was actually me?

Carry Me

I need the stars to shine on me
To show me the way
I'm lost in a world of hate
And drowning in tears
Fallen from my own eyes
I need you to know that I'm here
I've lost the light
and the look in my eyes
I've lost myself
And wandered off the path
I'm surrounded by hate and despair
Created from my own mind
Blood drawn from my body
To paint a smile on my face
I've been turned down and beaten
Pushed away and lied to
I've been looked over and forgotten
When I hear that sound
It strikes a chord in me
And again I cry
I need you to show me the way
Lead me to a life of hope
A place of love
Because I am weak 
I'm tired of crying
I can't go on
I need your strength
To carry me

Just Don't Leave Me

Please don't leave me
Don't let go
You don't know what you are
What you mean to me
Don't destroy what you've got
Don't let yourself believe
That you have nothing
I will always be here
You have me
You can have me to hold
Please love me
Just don't leave me
I'm here for you
Whenever you call upon me
I'll never leave you
I need you
Don't fall into a dream
Of what isn't real
Open your eyes
And see me
I am real
I'll be your everything
Just don't leave me

Let Me Live

I breathe in
A long and drawn out sigh
I see a life I don't know
Flash before my eyes
My chin quivers
And the tears begin to fall
They roll down my face
And onto the ground
I'm out of sight
Standing alone
Crying in the night
I search for a place
Somewhere to call home
I'm trapped here
In this place I call life
I can't leave
And I need you
Please help me
Wipe the tears from my eyes
And hold me
Let me be free
Let me live
I want to live

Further From Reality

I close my eyes
And stare at the blackness
I'm drifting into oblivion
My mind becomes numb
And my body is cold
I listen to my heartbeat
The rapid pace begins to slow
And takes hold at a steady beat
Images begin to appear
In the solid darkness
The shapes move around and bend
Forming visions of objects
I hear the slow strumming
Of my heartbeat
Echoing in my ears
The pulse is soothing
And a hint of calmness
Wraps itself around me
Its arms reach out and grab me
Pulling me in deeper
I'm sliding away from reality
Into a world of the unknown
A land of unforseen tales
And the hidden meanings of life
This state leaves my body numb
And takes my mind captive
I'm trapped in a world
Full of imagination
And I'm slipping through the cracks
Falling further from reality

Leading

There's something enchanting about you
I'm wanting and I'm needing
Although I know not what to do
Should I go ahead with proceeding?

What you make me feel
Is something that I know
My heart, I want you to steal
It's so hard not to let it show

I know I shouldn't be
But I can't help but fall
What has happened to me?
I know nothing of it all

Maybe it's not so wrong
To begin to feel this way
To me it's been so long
This time I want it to stay

Who knows what tomorrow will bring
Although "tomorrow" will never arrive
What shall we make of this thing
Of trying to stay alive

I'm unsure of this heart beat
Surprisingly it's what I need
It's not a matter of defeat
Only something in which we lead.

I Will Always Love You

I stare into the darkness of the night
And I see your face
Tears well up in my eyes
Because you, I cannot replace

I close my eyes and all I see is you
You're with me everywhere I go
I still dream of your touch
And everything I used to know

What can I do to erase this pain?
How can I go on without you here?
Is there supposed to be another way
Of living a life without fear?

You were everything I had
Something you never did see
I would do anything for you
Just so you would still love me

All of these memories
Bound up inside
My heart is still broken
And I have no where to hide

I put my life into you
I gave you everything I had
I sacrificed so much for you
Only to be alone and sad

You'll never really know
How much I miss you
And you'll never know
That I will always love you

Where Nothing Is Real

Let me take you away
To an imaginary place
Because I'm going to
A life that's unknown
Where nothing is real
And nothing to worry about
There's no one who watches
And no one who lies
Nothing is dead
And nothing is alive
Let me take you there
To a place unknown
Where the stars shine bright
And the sun and moon are one
Everything is nothing
And no one is someone
There's no one who cries
And no one who hurts
Let me take you down
Because I'm going away
To a place of false hopes
And dreams made into reality
The cries are silenced
And there is no more pain
Come with me
And I'll show you
I'll take you to a place
Where nothing is real

Who Am I?

What am I doing?
I cant explain how I feel
I don't know who I am
Or even if this is real
I look at all the lonely people
And I see myself in them
I touch the flower of my life
And break it from the stem
I take everything away
And I never look back
I don't know what to do
I don't know what I lack
I need a love so pure
One I know I can't steal
It will never exist in me
And it will never be real
Where am I at?
And why am I here?
Is there such a reason
To explain this very fear?
I don't know who I am
Or where I'm going to
All I know is pain
And what I've done to you
Questions build in my mind
Again and again, day after day
I don't know how to answer them
I don't know what to say
Who am I?
Where will I go?
How does it end?
Does anybody know?
A life full of torment
Hurt and pain inside
How can I keep myself alive
When all of this I have to hide
When will it end?
And who will it be?
How will I know
When I am really me?

For You

My heart bleeds for you
But you don't see it
And I'm feeling alone
The blood drips
But you don't feel it
And I'm growing cold
My eyes cry for you
Tears of blood from pain
But you push me away
And I'm dying for you
Killing myself inside
For no one but you
I lie for you
I keep myself unaware
Not knowing that you're gone
And you were never really there
This is for you
This pain I have inside
The fears I create
Are unleashed on you
I'm dying for you
Drowning in my tears
And it's all for you
A person who doesn't know I'm here

Rape (previously "untitled")

Left behind
Uncovered and exposed
Lost in the dust
Crying
Swirling around
Clouds of dirt
Encompasing my head
Flying
Weak and weary
A drenched soul
Swimming in tears
Dying
Burnt and smoking
Tattered and torn
Breathing in
Sighing
Shut and closed
Ending the belief
Alone in the public
Lying
Losing hope
Left in the dark
Alone to die
Trying

Naked

I'm lying here
Uncovered and cold
What you took from me
Left me naked
The love you stole
And the smiles you took
Gave me a reason
To be naked
It was all given to me
In the belief of trust
A love to keep me warm
And cover me up
My naked soul
And my naked heart
Are results of yourlove
That was taken away by you
Give me the strength
Come back to me
Because with out you here
I'm just a lost, naked soul

Burning

You're inside of me
And lighting a match
I'm feeling the burns
From the flame
I'm on fire
From the match you lit
You're killing me
From the inside
I don't know you
And you control me
Where did you come from
And will you put out the fire

I Miss You

Your touch is what I miss most
And the way you used to look at me
Your love was all I needed
But you too that away from me
I miss your hands
When they ran up and down my body
I miss feeling your lips touching mine
I long for the way you used to hold me
Especially in the night
I miss the love
The way I felt when I was with you
The little butterflies I used to get
The nervousness I felt everytime I called you
The love you instilled in me
But you took it all away
When you made me miss you

A Fool

You danced around the world
With your eyes closed tight
Singing at the top of your lungs
Long into the night

You were born in the sun
With the wind in your hair
You were always content
Even when no one was there

You had more than everything 
Except the one thing you longed for
You needed love to survive
But you were given no more

When I stand in front of you
And look into your eyes
All I see is what I've created
Nothing but lies

I see myself in you
Because you are me
I destroyed what was in you
And produced what you see

I made myself this way
Instead of being like you
I couldn't succeed in that life
No matter what I would do

So everything you touch
And all that you see
Was once another person
But now turned into me

To Be Your Everything

I'll give you anything you want
Anything at all
I'll give you the moon
And the rest of the universe
Just to hear you say
That you love me
I can be your everything
But you have to open your eyes
I can't go on pretending
That I'm not in love with you
I can't stand to look at you
And live another day
With out you knowing that I'm here
And I will be everything you never had
I wait for you to come around
And see with new eyes
I wait for you to feel something
Impatiently I wait to be your everything
You can come to me with open arms
And tell me everything you wanted to say
You can tell me all your secrets
And you don't ever have to be afraid
I just wish you knew how much I love you

Alone Again

I don't have the strength
I can't cry anymore
I'm weak and falling apart
Trying to pick up the pieces
Tears well up in my eyes
Because I gave you everything, foolishly
What I need is what you can't give
And you don't even know what that is
Yet I pray that somehow you will
You'll come to my rescue
And be my hero
Then I wake up from my dream
And realize that you're not even real
So I fall back to reality
Dragging my feet in the dirt
While tears drop on the ground
Saturated like the rain in a desert
And my fears are revealed
And I am alone again

Save You

Can't you see
That killing you
Is killing me?
I'm in love with your words
And the way you say them
I want to save you from yourself
I want to be the one
Who makes you see
The one who uncovers your heart
And takes the blindfold from your eyes
But what I want
Will never be
You chose to push me away
And shunned everything about me
I want to save you
From the best of the worst
But I can't
Because you made the choice
To leave me

Listen To Me

Words are meaningless
Unworthy of holding value
They flow through your ears
And are stopped by nothing
You hear me not
And in everything I do
You never listen
Denouncing me will only make it worse
You'll have to listen some day
A day will come 
And you will run
Because you'll hear me
Like I said you would
Denial will make you deaf
But only for a short time
Eventually you will come to
And hear everything I havent said
And feel everything I havent been
Your head will explode
And your mind will wither
You wont be able to handle this
And you'll refuse to listen
Once again
My meaningless words haunt you
In your desolate dreams
You hear my intelligable words
Swimming around you
This could have been prevented
And you would rest in peace
If you had first chosen
To listen to me

Bulimic

I swallow my pain
And I keep it down inside
I eat up all my feelings
And leave none for you to find
I force myself to take it in
Even though I can't hold much more
I'm hungry and I need it
Yet this is what kills me
You feed me hate and pain
Creating the downfall in my life
And then you turn around 
And tell me to stop
Because you can't take much more
It makes you sick to see me
Take in everything that I do
So then I puke up my past
Just in time for you
To shove it back down my throat again

Jumper

I'm standing on a bridge
In the middle of night
Waiting for a reason
To back down
I'm waiting for you
To tell me you're here
That everything will be all right
I'm looking down
To the river below
The water is almost black as night
I'm searching for the answers
Or a reason why
I'm wanting you to help me understand
I step closer to the edge
And watch the wind blow
I stretch my arms out
And I feel almost free
I'm so close yet so far
From the fate that lies below
One step and it's done
But I wait for you
I'm waiting for you to hold me
And tell me to come back
I'm waiting for a return
From someone I don't know
I want you to exist
Everything that I need
I'm waiting to find you
I look back to the world behind me
And no one is there
I'm standing here alone
On a bridge above water
Unsteady and about to break
My feet slip on the crumbling rocks
And I jump to find a new world

A Shower

Water hitting my skin
I stand under the shower head
And close my eyes
The water is cold and wet
It pours through my hair
It drips off my face 
I let the water roll down my back
And onto the floor 
It has a calming affect
I stand there and think
While the water cools me down
I feel free 
The coldness makes me think 
I'm wrapped inside my own world
My water world
I stand under the water
Pouring down like rain
Wishing I was under a waterfall
I imagine myself there
Feeling the mist hit my face
Standing in the cool waters
While the streaming water falls down upon me
My dream is over
And it all ends
I'm back to reality
When I shut the water off

What I Feel

A new page turned
In the book of "you"
Something new I've learned
In which something grew.

That day in my life
When a single person became known
Who's erased all of my strife
And made new love shown.

One wandering soul that night
Out in the cold
Walked right into the light
Of a love that won't grow old.

I stumbled upon your path
Late that night in spring
And letting go of everything
Feeling love and all its wrath.

My eyes have been opened wide today
To see a love I thought was no longer real
The myth denied and all of that they say
It is true, because it's what I feel.

Filling The Space In Me

I can't do it
Theres nothing to say
I can't think straight
I have nothing today

My mind is blank
And my eyes are blinking
I already know what's inside
But I can't stop from thinking

This time of night
I don't know what to be
I don't know who I am
At night I'm not me

I reminisce on the past
Dwelling inside my torrid mind
I remember the things I've lost
And forget the things I find

I think of those people
Superficial covers for what lies within
And then I remember you
How you sent me into a spin

My eyes are closing again
I look at the blackness I see
Pictures begin to form
Filling the space in me

If I Had A Penny

If I had a penny,
For each time you broke my heart
The piles would be so high,
I wouldn't know where to start.

If I had a penny
For each tear I shed,
The water would be too deep
For me to tread.

If I had a penny
For each broken promise I heard,
There would be thousands of pennies
For each single word.

If I had a penny 
For everytime I breathe
They wouldn't be the equivilent
For everytime I grieve.

If I had a penny
I could show the world what's true
The pennies from when I cried
And from when I loved you.

Hidden Love

You're all that keeps me together
And you'll never realize it
You're what I need and want
But you don't know that I'm here
We exist in the same time
In the same life
We exchange words and sometimes feelings
But will you ever know how I pine for you?
How your words touch me?
You'll never fully understand what you do to me
Or how I interpret you
I need you to know how much I care for you
That you are worth fighting for
Your aknowledgement of my presence means everything
And the fact that you talk to me
Brings a smile upon my face
Perhaps I don't understand you
I know you don't understand me
But I know that I feel you
And I want you to feel me.
I never knew a person could hold so much
I didn't think I'd appreciate someone like this
Your friendship means the world to me
And if it was lost, I'd be lost
Everything I've said to you was true
Not a lie in the least
My feelings grow stronger
And just to know 
That there's a possibility
Of reciprocal feelings
Brightens my world
You've touched my life in ways you'll never know
I see you in a different light
Don't you see that I look at you different?
That you are a part of my life?
I've never met anyone like you
Nor have I ever felt this way
I would give up so much 
Just to hear you say that you feel this way too.
This is a secret kept within myself.
I've told you some, but very little
A slight hint of what I really feel.
Maybe this feeling is wrong
Even still, it's not possible.
You're everything you never thought of
And all I want is just to talk to you
I've never spoken of a person like this before
And sometimes I still can't believe it
But you make me think
Of everything that could be
And of everything that won't be
Because you'll probably never fully know
That deep inside 
Is my hidden love for you.

The Wall of Lies

I stand behind a wall of lies
Built tall to keep me in
Guarding me from reality
But denying me of who I am
As day turns to night
I can tell no difference
The shielding of the wall
Blocks out all glimmers of hope
Is there life outside the wall?
A blockade holding me in
Bricks pulled away to see out
But all I see is darkness
A dream crushed once again
I fall to the ground
Another year behind the wall
Alone once more
The fear of solitude surrounds me
Yet a comforting wind of air
I breathe it in
The smell of destruction
As the walls come tumbling down
I run in hope to find life
And in the mist of the rain now pouring
I sift through the dust
The air clears and I break down
For standing in front of me
Is yet another wall of lies.

How Will I Know?

Confusion wraps itself around me
Another day is gone
Unsure of what I want
But have I ever really known?
I don't want to hurt you
Because I don't really know
I want to try new things
But from this, what will grow?
If I make the wrong choice
Someone will be in pain
But if I take the other route
To you, how will I explain?
If I stay I might not be happy
But if I leave, how will I know?
How can I know that you're not the one?
If I do what I want now, how will I know?

The Unknown

A walk in the park 
Alone at night
Looking at the stars
Such a beautiful sight

The moon is full
A calm in the air
But my heart aches
It's full of despair

I'm wanting and needing
A sense of relief
From pressure inside
Where I hold the belief

Gazing at the stars
While walking alone
I feel inside
That I want the unknown

The unknown love
Of the unknown touch
The broken dream I have
And I've wanted so much

The memories from the past
Where the unknown wasn't real
A love of the unknown
Is what I've wanted to feel

I'll Forget How To Cry

I fell apart and I fell away
I let myself drown again today
I left waiting for you to say
That you'll love me another day.

My eyes are red and my eyes are dry
My heart keeps asking the rest of me why
Why do I force myself not to cry?
And that I wish from this that I would die?

Time escapes from me, from us all
Illusions have lead me straight for a fall
From far up high, I hear a call
Beaten to my knees, I begin to crawl.

I gather myself and get up to move ahead
But the thoughts of you still linger in my head.
I try to destroy the pain they embed,
But all I hear are the words you once said.

I need your help but you wont even try
You won't let me love you and you won't tell me why
I need your presence, for I might die
Because with your love, I'll forget how to cry.

What You Are To Me

I'll drag you down further than you thought you could go.
I'll take you to my level.
I'll be the sickness you fought off once before,
and the demise of your life.
I'm the darkness of your days.
The shadows you see in the night.
I'll be the one who left you bleeding,
and dying in front of your love.
I'll be your everything and nothing at the same time.
I'll be what you are to me.
I'll give you what you left me with,
and what you took from this life.
I'll be the one to take your breath away,
The one to see you cry.
I can turn your heart to stone,
and we'll be one in the same.
I am what you are to me
In this life we both live in together.
You took it all away from me,
and left me lost in the rain.
I can be the scars on your body, 
From the love someone took away.
I am what you are to me, 
and I'm lost in the broken pieces of my heart.

A Life Of A Hundred Deaths

My legs are weak and numb.
My mind is what I have to over come.

Thoughts filter in and flutter by,
Like the wings on the back of a butterfly.

I'm living a life that no one can know,
A life in which a hundred deaths will grow.

I'm holding out a heart that's bled,
Many a time over what you have said.

No one knows when I'll end the fight.
Maybe when night turns to day, or day into night.

Meaningless words flowing through my mind,
As visons of the end render me blind.

A soul so drenched from tears of every breed,
Cries from my heart you never would heed.

With the shambles of my life surrounding my head,
The last life of a hundred deaths hangs on by a thread.

So many times I've known pain through love,
Now the pain comes from a lack thereof.

Has the life I've lead been completely of my choice?
This life of a hundred deaths breathes a silenced voice.

Drowning

Long sleeves soaked with cold tears
Drawn from my puffy eyes
I sit alone in a cold room
And just think
What my life could have held
If I had loved you more the way you wanted
Or did I love you too much 
My eyes blink slowly as the clock ticks away
Every second....tick....tick...tick
Seconds I've lost and will never happen again
I stare blankly at the walls 
I breathe in the cold air that surrounds me
Everything that I've put effort into doesn't matter
This feeling is something that I can't handle
I would die a thousand times
Just to never feel like this
I close my eyes and that is all I can see
Just the way I was in his eyes
The way he used to look at me
I wish I didn't care
About anyone or anything in this world
Because then I wouldn't cry
And I wouldn't feel the pain
I try to find the right words
To explain exactly how I feel
Time and time again, I fail
Once again I'm laying here
Drowning in my own tears
I'm drowning in this life that I didn't ask for
From a word that was thrown around like the wind

I Am...

A failure
Nothing is satisfactory
Nothing will suffice
A burdon
Weighing down on your shoulders
Bringing disappointment
A girl
Helpless to the stereotypes of the world
In need of discipline
A body
Taking up precious space
A waste of valuable air
A life
Given to an unworthy subject
Thrown away from the beginning
A mind
Wandering around aimlessly in the dark
Harboring so many thoughts and ideas
A heart
Beating long into the cold night
Mending itself once again
A resident
Living in the same place as you
But not given the same chance
A person
Begging to be loved and never hurt again
Wanting to trust and confide in you

Let Me Run

Starting off in the wrong direction.
A new stance for denial.
A disbelief in the truth.
An abrubt end to feelings.
Dreams cut off in the middle.
I'm afraid of what I don't know.
I need a new path.
But you hold me back, in pain.
Let me find another life.
Let me run.
I'm tired of my worn out ways.
My feelings of loneliness and distrust.
Indirectional avoidance of society,
In a disfunctional thinking pattern.
Let me into another dream.
Let me run.
The need to get away from home.
This superficial residence.
In a glimmer of hope, but destroyed.
Let me run away to a new world.
Let me run.

I See You

When I look at you, I see nothing.
I feel nothing.
Just a face staring back at me.
Blue eyes full of pain,
Looking into my soul.
I see you all the time.
Feeling only embarrassment for what you are,
For who you've become.
I see you standing alone,
By yourself, looking at me.
I see deep inside your beating heart,
Your cold heart.
Full of pain and agony.
I see inside your mind and your soul,
Your confused soul.
I reach out to hold and comfort you,
To give you what you need.
Everything your broken heart desires.
I see you bleeding right in front of me.
So close yet far away.
I see you next to me.
I see you staring back at me.
Making my every move.
Breathing my breaths of air.
You breathe me in.
I see you standing there in disbelief.
Realizing I see myself in you.
I see you when I look into the mirror,
The cold, hard mirror.
I am you when I see me.
I see you, I am what I see.

The Aftermath

I'm too afraid to even try.
Even more ashamed to let myself cry.

An understanding is what I'm looking for.
Only the truth and nothing more.

Why were our days so short?
Why did you make my heart contort?

I loved you with everything inside.
You were the one to whom I'd confide.

But you took everything away,
When you walked out of my life that day.

I remained calm while you were still in sight.
But when you left, I lost the hardest fight.

I took our pictures off the wall.
Realizing there would never be another call.

I cried in my bed, away from the world.
While memories in my head of you unfurled.

I went out trying to escape the pain.
Only to find it would cause more bane.

Another chapter in my life has ended.
Leaving the aftermath to be apprehended.

It's Your Turn

We found each other long ago.
Friends at first, but then you know.

Unsure of what to say or how to act.
Not sure in which way I want to react.

Second you came it's now your turn.
Teaching new things we both will learn.

Happy at first but now I'm not sure
I don't know of anything being so pure.

Now it's your turn to sit here and stare.
Again it's your turn to act like you care.

Another person will walk on by.
That same person will ignore my cry.

It's your turn to be my death.
It's your turn to take my last breath.

I let myself get too close to you.
Now with this I don't know what to do.

It's your turn for me to know best.
Instead I'll push you away just like the rest.

Fever

There's no use dancing on top of the world
When I'm all alone
What's the point in singing out loud
If there's no one to hear
I'm blinded by the darkness
Though the sun has shone
I wander through the desert in my head
Drowning in an oasis of tears
 
Engulfed in emotions from what
Nothing but a dream
A mirage of what my life would never be
I ran just to see it disappear
Staring into a shimmery gleam
A sight so beautiful to the eye
My heart breaks out in a fever
Wanting to draw you near
 
Trapped in my life
Looking for a way out
No longer knowing what to do
When no one's around
Unaware of what's waiting for me
Knowing nothing of what I'm about
Days go on and stretch into the night
Left me laying here no where to be found

The One

I am breathing
Heart beating
I am crying
And dying
I am wanting
And needing
A release from this place
An escape from it all
Something to take my pain
Someone to throw me away
I want to be the girl 
The one who feels nothing
Yet I feel it all
Every touch
Every look
Every thought and cry
I want to be the one 
The one who doesn't want to die.
I am breathing
Head spinning
I am looking
But not seeing
A place far away
The one place in my heart
Lost long ago when I found out
That I'm not the one 
The one who knows what is real
The one who doesn't feel
I want to be the one
That can't tell pain from pleasure
I'm the one who knows not what is real
But the one that will feel
Every emotion sent through your body
Every tear you shed
And the pain inside you
The one who takes the pain of the world
And bottles it up inside

Take It Away

You can take it all
Take everything away
Come on, I want you to
I want you to
Please take it from me
Take it out of my hands
I'm through with it all
It's all used up
Take it away from me
Far from me
I know you want it
I used to have it
It's all dried up and used
Take it from me
Take everything it means
Keep it inside
Hold it tight
Just take it from me
Release me
Use it up and give it away
Use it till it's gone
Till there's nothing left
Then someone takes it from you

You're The One

You're the one I'm thinking of
When I fall asleep at night
When I'm waking in the morning

You are what I desire most
The light in my darkness
The flame in my heart
 
I need you here
I need you now
In my beating heart
 
I want to feel your love
And the warmth of your touch
And your hearts desire

The thoughts in your head
I want to read
I want to touch

You're the one who gives me life
A breath to lifeless lungs
And a cold heart

Left

Thinking turning in my mind,
I search for things I cannot find.

My thoughts jump from here to there,
Exploring, looking everywhere.

I know not what I'm looking for,
Hoping for me there is something more.

Talking listening, things are said,
All of which float in my head.

Pushing hurting deeper scars,
Placing my dreams behind steel bars.

Unaware of what's ahead,
My life unravels like a thread.

Wanting needing what I've lost,
Feeling my heart I did exhaust.

Worried of what my life will be,
Fearing each day and what I see.

I lost my heart and broke my mind,
Quit the world and leave it behind.

I left the world not as I came,
I left the world with myself to blame.

What Do You Want Me To Be

What do you want me to be?
A figment of your imagination?
A glimmer of the sunlight?
Your happy barbie doll?
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
A disturbance in your dreams.
Am I not what you wished for?
I must have let you down somehow.
I'm not sure what I did wrong,
Or what I haven't done.
Perhaps even you don't know,
Or you haven't made up your mind.
Am I a failure in your life?
A burdon on your shoulders?
What am I to you?
Another disgrace in your name.
You don't know who I am.
I'm not sure where to go.
Down the lonely roads.
Where do you want me to be?
What would you like?
A perfect star?
A good little girl to hold in your arms?
Someone you can be proud of?
What is it that you see?
Obviously nothing special in your eyes.
What do you want from me?
I cannot be like you.

Fallen Angel

My mind hurts from thinking,
And my wings hurt from flying.
This angel sent to help you,
Has fallen and is dying.

My head is crowded with thoughts.
Filled with your love, anger, and fears.
My heart doesn't know what to make of it all.
So I drown in my own tears.

I'm confused as to what I should do.
If only I could understand my heart.
Maybe then I could prevent things,
And stop myself from falling apart.

My head is pounding now,
From the thoughts I keep inside.
Dwelling on things from the past.
Never letting my fears subside.

I'm terrified of what's to come,
What the possibilities could be.
I don't know if there is any help,
For what is happening to me.



Kurt Cobain








My Favorite Writers

Edgar Allan Poe
John Keats
Lord Byron
Walt Whitman
William S. Burroughs
T.S. Elliot





My Favorite Web Sites

My Poems My Songs....page 1

My Info Page

My Journal Page

Free Open Diary

Rayne's Website

800+ Nirvana Photos and More










Email:  sit_and_drink_pennyroyal_tea@hotmail.com