Reasons why I write
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Novels
Excerpt from one of my poetry books:

The work in this book of poetry is a form of healing on my behalf. It is introduced as a tool to help myself and readers of the book to understand their own emotional struggles with life. Anyone that has been diagnosed with a mental illness, abused in any form, raped, or a party to incest or perhaps dealing with being adopted will find this book to be enlightening.
I have found that there are many people in this world that feel that they are alone in their daily struggle with life. Trying to find someone who can relate to them and to sense an understanding of how they feel inside and how to express themselves is sometimes a difficult and futile task. It is my hope that this book will offer comfort and guidance in the healing process of others. I have shared some of my experiences in this book that have brought me to the deep end of depression and back to the highs of mania. Through my poetry and other writings I hope to emerge as a whole person who is capable of love in giving and receiving. I’m also in hopes that one day I can be as normal as is possible and find my true identity.


Introduction:

This book of poetry was compiled during the winter months of 2004-2005.
During my adolescent years the winter months held a lot of bad times for me. I have yet to heal and to move completely forward and past those years of my life. Sometimes I feel that I am a 13 year old, and have not moved on internally in my mind. I feel as if I am this lost and confused little girl who doesn’t know how to feel or how to love and accept love. I find the way for me to deal with the past and to heal is through my writing.
I was placed in mental institutions as a teenager in the 1970’s and at that time little was known about mental illness and the proper diagnosing. I have been taking all kinds of medications for most of my life prescribed by psychiatric physicians . I was diagnosed as being Bi-polar or Manic-depressive at the age of 24. I have had many years of psychotherapy and still see a doctor to continue medication. I’m hoping soon that I can come off of the meds as I would like to know life without them.

When I was an adolescent I found myself to be very rebellious and frequently ran away from home. I found myself in numerous dangerous situations. Some of the serious episodes involved rape and incest. I was running from things that had happened to me at home that I could not talk about. My adopted brother, had tried to molest and rape me on several occasions and an adult couple also did the same to me while my parents were away on a cruise.
These people were supposed to take care of us and look out for us while my parents were away, well they did some things that were to say the least inappropriate to me a 13 year old girl.
This includes sexual interlude with this married couple though I was afraid of it I also enjoyed some of it. This is where the guilt comes in to play. I never told anyone about it until I was an adult.
I kept this and many other secrets from the world I felt that no one needed know these things I thought I was a bad person or since my biological parents gave me away that I was no good. I was adopted as an infant only a few weeks old but I do know that some people who are adopted have identity struggles as I still do. This must play a key factor into my struggle with life and who I am and my own self worth.
I could never bring myself to talk about these circumstances with anyone so I kept it all inside. Thus, causing a lot of guilt and shame on my part. Confusion was a big part of my thought process at the time, I don’t know if the experiences I had caused the mental illness or the mental illness was always there and the experiences I had made the illness come to surface. I wanted to be free and to discover myself and felt that I was just not worthy of loving parents and why should they have me when my own parents didn’t want me? I had many struggles with family life I didn’t want any part of it as most teens don’t. I decided to run and thought if I ran I would escape all the bad experiences. No one needed to carry my burden but me, I was embarrassed and full of shame. Love was something I couldn’t understand and still have a hard time dealing with and understanding.
My parents were wonderful people and I was lucky. I know this now and even though I regret some things I cant change the past all I can do is try to heal and go forward with my life.
As I have said the healing process is part writing and part looking into myself and trying to figure out what in life I want to accomplish, I feel as if I have a long way to go, but I know I will find my way.

My moods change like the colors of a Chameleon. I have known this pattern my whole life. I call them cycles-as they range from periods of feeling normal to feeling high, as if I am on some kind of drug that makes me feel extremely happy and excited and energetic. Then after these cycles I become depressed. My entire life I have had to live with this it can be very difficult and hard on others that I care for and vise versa. I have pushed many people away from me as I do not wish to burden them with my illness nor trouble myself by not being sure of how I really feel about someone. The only way to explain this is to say well “It all depends on my mood” if I like someone or want to be with someone. For example I thought I had fallen in love a while back but I think I was in a mania cycle and didn’t know the difference between my true feelings and how I felt at the time. This sounds a bit odd but looking back I have to blame it on the cycles. Maybe I was in love or just cared for this man but in any relationship it takes time and so much of it before I can be truly sure of my feelings, I suppose the only way to gauge this is to be with someone throughout all these cycles I go through. When the cycles are complete and I am still interested in the person I suppose its true feelings that I must have.
Many times I have thought about ending my life but I tell myself I will make it to the next cycle where I will feel better and be able to overcome the depression. Yes it’s very difficult living this way, but I have come to terms with it for the most part.
Medication has always been a big factor, but I hope someday I can stop taking medication and try to live life without it and to see if my coping skills are still strong enough to survive.
Everyone has their problems and their struggles in life, living with a mental illness for me is sometimes intolerable. Unless you have been in this cycle of Mental anguish - there can be no full understanding of how it fells and what it can do to you,. This is why I write I want to be able to relate to others in the world that cannot express how they feel and maybe I can help another person who suffers and help them feel that they are not alone.

An Experience of my past:
One evening my best friend and I went to hang out with some guys we liked and we ended up in a hotel on the beach the guys left the next day and my best friend. I didn’t want to go home so I decided to sleep on the beach. I was hungry and had no money and didn’t know where to go, home wasn’t the place I wanted to be. The man that ran the hotel said I could stay as long as I did him some favors-sexual favors it turned out to be. I call him the red haired lunatic, there is a poem in my first book of poetry about him. He made me have sex with him and it was utterly disgusting and sick, I felt filthy and so full of shame and guilt but I couldn’t go home, I just couldn’t.

So this went on for a few days and I just don’t know how I did this. Its like I was another person, but somehow it was what I wanted, or felt I had to do. At the age of 13, I was so confused and so lost. One evening he sent me to a room in the hotel and the door was not locked I don’t know why. A man had entered the room and I asked who he was, he just proceeded to come at me and pulled down my panties and raped me repeatedly, I told him I was on my period but he didn’t care. I felt sick and nauseous and he left. I ran out the door and low and behold I ran into my father and my adopted brother the one who tried to molest and rape me many times before. My father had been looking for me for days im sure, my best friend must have told them where I was. I was taken home and sent to my room and talked to later by my parents. Many more of these and worse incidents occurred. My parents were finally at their breaking point when I was 14 and sent me to a psychiatrist that I refused to go to after a few sessions the only other choice they gad was to send me to a half was house to try to help me. They thought I was on drugs, and though I experimented some, I wasn’t. I was in trouble at the half way house and was asked to leave after 2 months. A few weeks later I was hospitalized in Virginia where I was also kicked out. I ended up in another mental hospital in Atlanta GA. when I was 15 and stayed for 8 months.
These experiences and more about me and my life philosophy are in another book I’m working on titled “The Path” Healing 30 years later. The poetry in the next part of this book are just my expressions, thoughts and experiences and the way that I see things in day to day life.

Example of my work
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Poetry Writing
“Wind"

Wish the wind
could take me on a flight
traveling lands,
hovering, mountains, and seas

creations of nature, the beauty lies
for deep inside the face of beauty
an ugliness forms
greed and torment
the taking of ones self
the permission, not sought

beauty in death
death of some sort
blindness is beauty
for what we cannot see
A destruction of the soul
I reap what I sow

take my wishes,
take me on a flight
I want to glide
over mountain tops; hover the seas
taste the beauty ;feel the wind
be free...........

"Shout"

I look upon the gathering falseness of this earth
the wanderings in human disguise,
As they ramble on in their own tune
They keep the distance
their capabilities, oh so naught
stench, the scent of their inner being; rotting flesh
I sense them always in my path
you destruct me; off with you,
belong, who?
naught,
I curse you, I loathe you
your powering scent musky odor of ancient bones
human disguise; you try to justify your identity
your darkness has no light
you are pitch black as the night
all of you roaming, in wanderlust
no imaginings, no emotion, only numbness of the mind
I shall call you?
call upon you I will not; heed this warning
for I am my own , my beacon shines
my purity clings on
you falsify, you disgust me ;your human form sickens me
disease and death is you...............



"Injustice"

Weep for them I ask of you
the bugs lye crushed,
the breaking of their wings,
their bodies mangled
our footsteps crush life
our tongues create chaos

life as you see it so simple
no complexities
the ease of life for some
crushing of so many hearts and souls
my bearer of bad news
You come knocking down my door
my bugs in their jars spill, strewn on my floor
taken, by your foot you crush life,
you waste your own; you have no care
blindness is your sight; your mind so simple
so out of tune.............




"Sanctuary"

Ocean sounds are on my mind
I hear the waves softly roll
My beach, my sanctuary
peace falls upon me at this moment
I lye on my back
hearing the tide as it slowly declines
taking sand and shells ; within its path
birds flock, see them fly past
twigs and shell particles nestled gently in their beaks
building their nests
their destination, their home
keeping their own safe, and snug
gently the breeze stirs
the sun shines brightly
I lye under my palms, my sanctuary
my feeling of secure ness, I am safe from harm
I listen, to the lapping of the water,
as it comes gently; rising upon the shoreline
in peace and tranquility my mind rests
I feel, I feel so at peace...



"My Home"

The sun gently fades into afternoon skies
voices travel gently through the salt air,
the sky still a muted blue
the sun, casting its shadow upon the ocean floor
the water sparkles, gentle green, crystal blues
sea animals, far south, seeking shelter
hibernation in rapid succession
oceans far, so far away
my mind drifting
lulled by the sound of the sea
peace is here, always here
imagine, the sky fading setting sun
orange it glows, the quiet of the day, this place
a holder of such beauty, mother nature
I’m alone here, the only creature in human form
miles between another; imagine the solitude, this tranquility
the sound of the ocean, as it gently rolls the wave
softly it flows, melding into the open sea, it carries me away,
I flow, we are as one..........




"Sea II"

Drink the water, salt ness of the sea
quench your soul, as it thirsts, baptize yourself
in the ocean of life
the sea will capture you it shall quench by your own thirst
mother nature hauntingly stirs the gusts
the wind will arise and meet you in the West
clouds become angry, their fury their wrath
upon you, you must see
you turn as if you are blind; you spit out angrily
the bitter saltiness, of this sea
you are blindness, you are evil
this dweller, upon my land
your life force bathed in darkness, you enrage me,
not belonging are you
trespass upon me, my sanctuary, my soul
yet I ache, for mother nature, as you do not,
how can a blind man see?
You filth of human disgust, I spit upon you
go, you must go belong, you?
Not welcome; find your fire
your evil dwellings
lost you are, blinded you wretched being
the Key, across the way, the Egmont pass
cast your darkness upon your own,
bathe in your filth, I spit upon you, the salt, the sea......................




"Destiny of Time"

Our destinations, as individuals,
sometimes, fall silent,
upon life's dreams, our future our pasts
heaven and earth, know our sorrows
mother nature holds our secrets
time, and tests, and our knowledge
our open minds, absorb
life, sorrow, love, death
peace in wishing
fall silent we must
escape this world, this lifetime
happiness lies ahead
we must believe, She casts faith upon our mortal souls
we must hold our pasts, our present
cherish the moment , the time will pass
the moment you must capture
the essence of life
to live, to breathe, to love and to hope




“Love"

What is this word "Love"
the spirit of love in all ; that live and breath
Does love captures our hearts; our minds
Our bodies, weak with the feel
love is a feeling, love is pain
love is light and hope; passion and sorrow
I shed tears for love
I shed life for love
love strips you of your being
piece by piece, it can destroy
love a word, powerful is love
love is war, love is peace
love is me ; love is lost, and held
capture love, you capture life
the meaning of life is love..................




“Undoubtful?”

I see the realism in you, your spark,
the color of blue-pale in its light
you are an object of peace and tranquility
by; objective and circumstance
we have been led into each others path
the lessons of past learned
reason and rhyme make sense of it all
we come together as individuals
never the two of us-to make one
as we are each; as each is
we meld we speak we teach we listen
we love we feel we grow
we as individuals- we are as two as always and yet
even and fair in sync; together we grow
we find our way




"For Al"

From the heart,
we give our most precious gifts
to express emotion and feeling
our hearts sometimes swelling with need and desire
understanding our own minds in tune and in time
nurture us ;
blood red a heart is feeling,
a heart is soulful a heart is fleeting
patience and time
our hearts sometimes grow cold
saddened, it seems
patience and time
our hearts grow warm we glow
blood red passion our souls burn with desire
in tune in time patience is my desire..........




“Thanksgiving Memories for Dan”

I see you at the old wood table,
all the family gathered round,
smiling faces, memories of the past
children running and laughing their faces innocent of time
nothing has taken their innocence
reflected from the depths of their souls
so new and unmarked
imprints on the old worn wood table
worn patterns areas carved in nicks and scrapes
tells tales of many games
card games and old board style ones
etched as time only does
wondrous memories of all moments shared
hold them close allow them to cling to your heart
take not these moments in time for granted
devour them and keep them alive always safe with you,
keep them in your heart
as the day grows old to the night that falls
awaken each day, memories of the past and the old worn table
children and family all gathered round
love them, love the memories hold them all and keep them safe.....

Looking For An Agent
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Lauri on her keyboard
Topic: The Query Letter
Well here I am typing away, when I'm supposed to be looking for an agent to promote my books, surfing the web trying to find samples of a great query letter, and well I think I can write a great one. First of all you have to write a compelling letter that stands out. But, hold on, I'm a writer, I should be able to write that letter with ease! Yet I find it very difficult, reason being is that I write poetry, erotica and novels and biographies, actually anything but query letters, so I'm thinking, Ha, an idea! I will write the letter in a novel style, this way they can see that I have talent while reading this letter instead of writing some trivial stuffy astute crap.... then I'm thinking, well I have to choose the style the agent wants. Now I think, poetry write a poetic letter, erotica-write one of my explicit style come hither sample letters, or the novel-well, I just don't know what the heck to do!
Any suggestions?