Time For A Little Afternoon Commentary
Hello again!
I love the story-telling potential awarded by the blog. As a writer I am naturally attracted to stories. Today I wonder about the anatomy of attraction. I just got back from an anatomical lecture in women's health. I heard explanations about the cervix and uterus. Most of the people in the class are young women; there are 380 students. I have a fabulous TA. She's very receptive to my difficulties with NLD. It's interesting that people are generally uncomfortable using anatomical words. Structure and function is a good concept to make peace with.

I like how the campus in Madison is so anonymous. I like very much to blend in and not have to worry about impressions. I think of how people in other cultures wear coverings, how the hair must be concealed. I wonder what it'd be like to convert in adult life. I have a cousin who went from pretty much secular to ultra-Orthodox in a single year. And so I'm brought to thinking about the Israeli/Palistinian conflict. I know several individuals on both sides. The violence is obviously depressing. It also causes me to feel anxious. I am opposed to all forms of war.

I have a couple pen pals who live near the Gulf. They are civilians and I care about them very much. Because I've corresponded with these people over the past several years, I felt motivated to write a letter to the president when he was first talking about the possibility of war. It was one more good reason why war is, as Alice Walker writes in her book for children, "never a good idea".

My blog is a little lonely, but it's also very new. I feel like I'm kind of self-writing. But I enjoy the process, this public journaling.

I'll write more again soon.

Snow Falling This Morning
Hi! I'm thinking of the book/movie "Snow Falling On Cedars". I haven't read it but I've always thought the title was pretty. And it is snowing here in Madison. I got up specifically thinking about the blog. What a cool word!

Anyway I think that one of the reasons I'm not more depressed is that I have enough time alone. If I were constantly around people, I would not only have trouble writing, but I would feel overtly stressed. I still enjoy people, most definitely.

I'm in my room watching the traffic and hesitating to go out there. I still have to get ready, but I have time for a few words. I'm surprised I didn't get into blogs before. They are far safer than my prior online activities.

I wish I had spent more time with my dogs this weekend.

Last night I responded to a random email calling for workshops. I made up this spur of the moment idea to have one called "Poetry As Social Activism" which would highlight the work of several politically-minded poets. I would like to do it. We'll see if the proposal gets accepted.

We live in a very competitive world. I know of no person graduating who is not worried about finding a job and/or getting admitted to a graduate program. These worries would exist in a better economy, but they are compounded by the scarcity of jobs. I look forward to a better president. I know that sounds like a leap, but everyone knows about the economic nosedive. Both my parents experienced employment problems, and I was unable to find a summer job. My solution was to go to summer school and do volunteer work. For the most part I enjoyed both situations. I did not, however, like my brief time assisting in a food pantry. The manager was way too fuzzy, and it was not fun stacking shelves and watching my lack of coordination (a symptom of NLD).

I don't know that anyone's reading this blog. It is brand new.

Has anyone seen "If These Walls Could Talk"? Great movie, though depressing. It inspired me to help at NARAL. That's been my favorite volunteer job. I've met good people and had excellent conversations.

I volunteered briefly at the WI Humane Society. It was OK. I used to be a member of the local dog training club. Unfortunately my dog didn't get past the second level, but it wasn't all my fault. My family was not as into training him as I was. I took him to the classes twice a week while going to school full-time. Many of the classes were held outside; WI weather is infamously chilly, bitter, and brutal. The offshoot was that I bonded with my dog. I would be devestated if anything happened to him. I have a beautiful, fluffy, very furry dog and a small terrier mix. The latter belongs more to my mom. Whenever I'm taking the dogs for a spin, I always worry about something happening to the terrier. My mom would never forgive me. I like to have a fair amount of family involvement, even if it sometimes makes me depressed.

Want to know something interesting and totally blog-worthy? For the past year, I have gone into the local coffee shop to buy drinks as solicited by my family. My father is a serial mocha drinker and my mom and sibling are into hot chocolate. I had to give up caffeine (yet another thing affected by meds) over the summer, but I like the atmosopheres of coffee shops just the same. And I still consume chocolate, so I guess my caffeine intake is just drastically reduced. But I really do have a quasi-allergic reaction to the stuff. That's not what I meant to discuss, though. There's a guy who works at the coffee shop who I think is super-nice. Always has been. The problem is our conversation is so limited. But this weekend my parents went there and I found out where he went to college! Small detail, but always an interesting one in my book. Now I have something I can ask about when I go back. Too bad he doesn't live here. I want to get the matter straight. It's not a huge infatuation so much as a desire for friendship. I don't know if he's my type, and I'm not exactly looking. Sorry to disappointment any match-makers. I've been to way too many singles' websites in my life! I've currently blocked these addresses from my inbox whenever possible. I probably sound paranoid. Maybe I am a little, but that's OK.

Want to know what I'm having for breakast? Promise not to kill me for its relative lack of nutritional value? Good. I am having a bag of carob raisins I purchased yesterday at the food co-op a few blocks away. It might go out of business, which is completely sad. But if it does it will probably open again in another form, in a new location.

Today is going to be pretty busy. I have four classes and a meeting. I'm really liking this blog thing. I'll write to Isis today, my pen pal.

Today I will play viola for the first time in quite awhile. Orchestra is a nice way to get some credit. Hopefully it'll result in meeting some cool people, too.

An Ode To My Pen Pal
Welcome readers, once again! It's good to write to you. In this post, I want to share a bit about my pen pal, an individual I've been writing to since last semester. Every day, this person and I have traded an afternoon letter. She writes to me during work, and I write when I'm not in class. I should start assigning names, I think, to make things more real. Her name herein is going to be Isis. And Isis, btw, is a great mythological heroine to read up on. Regretfully I don't know her story well enough to give a recount, but I know she's very important.

Isis my pen pal lives across the country and is a fairly recent college grad. She works as a scientist and gives me cool information about the effects of my meds. She also has a chronic medical situation, so it's fun to have that in common. I have complex feelings about Isis. We have a good time sharing stories. She wants to call me, but I've hesitated because the net's been such a junked-up story from my perspective. As cool as Isis is, I have no evidence that it's not just a pile of bs getting stacked higher and higher. Our e-mails are very thought provoking. We've discussed just about everything: music, authors, bios, sexuality, what we want from relationships.

I've had a hard time sharing my relationship history. I also don't know how to present the subject of sexuality. My personal belief is that everyone has bisexual attributes. I know that sexuality is very subjective. Isis is gay. She accepts my bi theory. I have been attracted mostly to guys and have gone in that direction from a dating perspective. She hasn't dated guys since junior high. I hate how society causes us to think with labels.

But I like that Isis and I respect each other. We have a good combination of similarities and differences. It's a powerful time discussing our thoughts. She's very helpful to me. We're both into a freethinking philosophy. Having a pen pal has been a mutually positive thing.

It was a random connection, though. Not something that's likely to happen again. And I'm not really looking. I went to this particular singles' site because I was doing research for my manuscript. Instead I ended up making a friend, which has been a very awesome time.

We're both kind of like "wow, I met someone cool" because we'd rather meet friends in person. It's kind of ironic, but I'm not complaining. I kind of wish I'd just run into her, but if our correspondence keeps up for long enough, maybe it will happen. Still I need to maintain a cautionary take on things. I don't really know that much about her, only what she puts on-screen. And I have to wonder what she would think about the non-screen me. I don't make stuff up, but I have left stuff out. So there are gaps. The purpose for now, though, is a safe one. We're pen pals. That's good.

A Time-Honored Crush
Herein I will post a little story about a crush I had last semester. I use the term "time-honored" because I think this situation happens to us all. I feel blessed that it was all pretty harmless, at least this time around. The worst side-effect was a week or two of depression. That's not much, especially considering that it was a fairly dysthymic brand. As you can likely surmise, I am in love with psychology. I also love writing, and if I can find a career that combines these disciplines, I will be vocationally and personally pleased. That's a side-note. Forgive me. Blogs seem to invite the progression of side-notes.

Here's the story I was meant to post now. It's kind of a "getting-to-know-you"/icebreaker thing. I was in a very difficult course last semester that required quantitative reasoning skills. Being pretty anxious about math, I decided to see what I could do about getting some help. My tutor was very appealing. I felt myself wanting to open up to him. Instead of working on problems for my class, I listened to his stories about relationships that hadn't worked. I offered advice, so much so that he eventually told me I reminded him of a therapist, oy! I wondered about insecurity issues, but thought I could help him out. We were both new at school and he was sending very mixed signals. I was so attracted to him that I found myself taking showers before and after we met. I loved the heart-racing, daydreaming joy of feeling attracted to a person. I liked walking around in a euphoric state. For weeks I believed that a relationship was possible. I kept thinking, "one of these times he's going to kiss me"
and smiling an engorged guy smile. Things seemed to be getting better. The relationship was increasing in closeness. Then I found out he had a date. That's when I got depressed. So he wasn't interested! And I'd put all that effort into trying! Oldest story, or one of them, huh?

Maybe a cooler question is why we're attracted to the people that we are. Or why attractions change over time. I am very interested in studying these subjects. In my manuscript, love is a thematic component. It's a lot easier for characters to start a relationship or break-up. And it's more fun to describe coupling than to be locked up in an abusive maze.

If I were going to name my blog-self, I would keep changing it!

You may ask, how are things now with the once-object of my affection? The sad thing is, I feel utterly nihilistic answering that question. My inquiries have not been responded to. My guess is that it's over. I still have something he lended me. I'd like to give it back. Funny how we leave things behind. I've lost a thing or two that way. Have you? I will say that I'm no longer sad about this crush. I have concluded that it wasn't the right situation. That sounds so textbook! It wouldn't have worked out. My sobbing has ended. Still, once in awhile, I'm like, maybe I should call him. And the other half of me is like, that really wouldn't be a good idea. So I listen to that half and then I don't have to deal with my phone anxiety. He'd have a monologue cooked up for me if I called. I'm kind of sentimental.

At present I'm making the decision whether or not I'm going to tell people I know about my blog. That's a good "we'll see" question. Maybe I'll wait until it picks up, which is an invitation for you all to write.

Writing is healthy. It'll do you good.

A Short History of Cyberspace Forays
Hi!
I am having so much fun with this. I love the confessional, anonymous atmosphere encouraged by journalistic outpouring! I can't wait to see what people write-in, so I can get a message board going. I feel cheerful and excited about the positive energy of this little website. It's a helluva lot cooler than some of my other experiences online!

And that reminds me, once I had a pen pal, and my experiences with him just about sum up the pros and cons of using the net. It was a neutral, harmless time--kind of like a lot of internet chat. Call me old-fashioned or something, but I have not gotten into it with IM just yet! I've been tempted, but that only makes me think I'd get addicted. I spend enough time online as it as.

So I'll talk a little about my pen pal, one of them. I began writing to a guy overseas, who I found during my days on friends/singles websites. We exchanged pictures and began emailing. In retrospect I'm totally glad I never posted my picture. I've sent it once in awhile, but I don't actually have it on a site. What happened with this guy is that we would write to each other, but I was essentially doing all the conversational work. I would ask all the questions. He explained that he doesn't learn by asking questions, but it got to be a chore coming up with topics. For all I know he's a nice person, but I'll likely never find out. I think our interests were too dissimilar.

I corresponded, and went out with a guy once, who I'd also met as a result of a singles' site. I'm lucky nothing happened. Keeping up conversation was a very challenging ordeal. People like to forget, or dismiss the fact that online interactions are stranger interactions. I certainly denied this fact for an entire semester. I didn't have much in common with this guy, but I did enjoy "Love Actually", the movie we went to see.

The second time I met a guy in person, I knew it wasn't going to work in the first five minutes. A stupid, socially-ingrained desire to be polite got the best of me, and I wasted about two hours in small talk. It was quite boring.

In both these interactions (oh, hell I feel like I'm writing a paper!), I saw a commenality. The guys were both put off by my being nervous. One asked me for my impressions. I just smiled and stared at the moving ground as we were walking. Funny that someone would ask that question; I've now learning that it's impossible to tell anything upon a first meet-up. And most importantly, it's a time when a person is the most vulnerable. What's disturbing is that these stories weren't enough to keep me from putting up my guard. There are worse things happening, and I'm able to vouch for it in the first person. More soon!

More Info
Well, good evening everyone! I hope the links prove to be of interest. I have returned to my room at school after a contemplative, crowded bus ride back. To share a little more about myself, I am in my third year of college. This is only my first year at Madison, but I like it well enough to have it as my top choice for grad school. I also like being near my family and friends in Milwaukee. I spent most of my life there. As you can see from my links, I am very into creative writing. I have listed some of my favorite authors and some good pages to discover more about them.

I resent this time of evening when it begins to get dark. Maybe I have a little SAD, I don't know.

I don't want to sound paranoid, nor do I want to be taken the wrong way, but the aforementioned book I read about the net gave me some serious ideas. After having a really bad experience with a person I met online, I decided to put a stop to my posting messages on singles/friends websites. Once, I was emailing with this guy, and suddenly I got a strange message. We'd been going through with the small talk scene, casual conversation, and then I got an email from him that talked about his ultimate sex fantasy. It involved handcuffs and ice cubes. I think our imaginations can furnish the finer details. Fortunately I hadn't given him any information and was able to prevent more contact by blocking his address. That should have served as a fair warning, but I was lulled and quelled by the idea that I could maintain and achieve safety. No such thing! Not with my situation. Like many people, I've had problems with depression. Three years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar (any bipolar-affected readers, please email!). I've had two manic episodes and several years of major depression. I now take a good combination of meds and am doing well. Socializing, however, has not been the easiest thing. I've gone to many different colleges, I'm shy, I have a learning disability (NLD) that makes it more difficult for me to interact comfortably, and I would rather discuss writing than get wasted. Not to sound undaring, but I have medical reasons (i.e. bipolar meds alter the nervous system) for not engaging in alcoholic consumption. In any case, I met a different guy online who pressured me to drink like four times. I wanted to say, "Get used to it!" or "Let's see. I can walk; I can think. So if I was going to get a drink, I probably would." More importantly, this negative persistance should have been seen as an indicator that he was abusive. So I want to caution people (and I've read articles on this subject), that continually pressuring a person to do something he or she is uncomfortable with is a checkpoint for potentially abusive interaction. And let me tell you, this guy definitely turned out to be in that category!

Hello Again
Well, I couldn't resist fortifying my online journal with some more information. Tomorrow I have a full day of classes, but the consolation is having none on Tuesday. I like the idea of a blog. I will say, however, that the net should be used with caution. I just read "Anyone You Want Me To Be". I combined that story with my own experience, and it's safe to say I'll never look at the net the same way again. More sociologically, do we really want our kids growing up in chatrooms? The net is an educational environment, but is it so helpful when young teens are viewing pornography? I know, I sound super-conservative, if not possessed by some annoying persuasion. Yet these remarks are not without reason. I want to help, if possible, by sharing. I have a story that I believe is important. Right now I need to catch a bus. So I'll catch you later!

Merry Sunday!
Hello and Welcome,
I have never had a blog before, so I should introduce myself. I'm a student in Madison, WI. I have two dogs. My favorite activity is writing. I presently believe that winter has afflicted many individuals with a bit of sadness. I too look forward to warmer weather and to recording my thoughts. I am also excited about the primary. I am poltically liberal and have volunteered with NARAL. I aspire to attend graduate school when I finish my English/Creative Writing major sometime next year. And so that's my brief introduction. I should emphasize that I have found the internet to be a very strange, also dangerous environment. I will be sharing stories soon.