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Leilani is the most beautiful being alive. To be with her is to be with God in the sense that God does exist but only in the extended beauty of a woman. And to kiss her is like bliss though you cannot define bliss without believing in God. And to touch her is all that existence should be in the breadth of a life that has meaning but no meaning and a purpose that seems eternal because time slips away as you inch closer and closer.

Dedicated to Leilani
The sensual scene
Of the villain in me
And the girl with brown eyes
Haunting my dreams

Of the dream that is life
And the waking dead light
Guiding me from
My depression and strife

Her stare takes me back
To a feeling I'd left
To a feeling I'd drowned
In a bottle of death

26 Marzo, 2007

Life is just one step
Close to a fading sunset
To a dimness of light
That denies us all life

The Kamakaze mind
Jumps from seven stories high
Seven stories later
He found relief from life

Consider thoughts like glass
Cutting his mind in halves
One by one they cut
As he falls forward through your past

But a voice grabs his dying heart
Holds it in her palm
She whispers hard into his ear
I'll not give up this setting sun

I'm thinking of your brown eyes right now.

I feel as if no one has felt isolation such as this, or at least, no one I have met in this world as every person dribbles over the minutia of everyday existence and drama that falls short of the complexity of a simple equation. This feeling of rejection and rage and anger, or better put, the highest form of frustration as I struggle to equip my words with some fucking meaning tied to existence, but it all comes spewing out in some obscene mockery of my thoughts, as if the world is laughing at me, ridiculing me with its insufficient language to describe something so indescribable. It was God who put these magnificent creations in to my mind, and left me in this joke of an existence to sputter about, never coming close to sharing the extension of my thoughts, the breach of total infinite darkness and space, of life and matter. Fuck God for cursing me. I will brew these great creations and in them I will manifest the power to destroy God, and on my path, when I meet Him, I will dishevel all that He has bled for, I will make his blood meaningless, I will drink it from Him like the elixir or life. If it be that God is only a mirror, if His existence stretches only to the extent of my own then I will destroy myself. Though intent is Godlessness, I seek something so much greater. If she cries out in want, ‘Love!’ to the infinite darkness, I will sheath every flaming sword, I will leave to her my every intent, and do with God what her love demands, for every breath is a breath of life into her, every battle is to uphold her undying beauty, every thought will be to comprehend her love. If she should fall on her path, I will abandon mine to lift her up, and if she should cease to exist, then I shall follow her into that infinite darkness, and there will be no obstacle beyond God that could keep me from that oath. She will become every reason to live, and so forth she will be the breadth of my existence. She will become my Godlessness, she will be my truth, and in her I will find the peace I had been searching so foolishly in self-destruction for.
She will be my complete and total equal, in every sense of the word that few know truthfully, love.

Do you think I'm insane?

Laugh on a madmen's life
In a hot sweet summer night
Passion grips our beating hearts
And fuels our flaming eyes

The stars whisper tears
Their lights guide me to sleep
The mountainside grows still and fades
Those eyes burn bright the trees

Slumber come, and put to rest
All insanity and endless death
Show heed of sin, and stop to bless
The waking dreams inside my head

Passion is the vice of men
And its touch knows no refrain
Yet one night of passion is always worth,
An eternity of pain.

Be still and peaceful

Spent such sleepless nights
Inside my waking mind
But no drug co0uld put my thoughts to sleep
No drink could close my eyes

For every night my bed was tossed
THe sheets saw no stillness in their end
But oen light reached from the dark
And left my breathing still as death

My eyes set wide as the gaping sea
Closed by gentle company
Her body pressed against my own
The only peace I'll ever know

Conversation in my inner monologue aka the skitzo monologue
I've never seen anything so beautiful.
Do you love her?
Yes, but only as much as I can.
What does that even mean.
It means the longer I stay with her the more I will love her.
So you don't love her now.
No, I do love her. I've never been closer to anything, and I've never been so truthful to anyone, which is what I always wanted, it was just I never wanted to waste the truth on anyone that wasn't genuine. I already know that I love her. Time is just a measurement used to gauge my understanding of love. The longer I am with her, the closer I become to fully understanding love, and to fully loving her. Its already happened, I just have to wait for it, and then when it comes, I will not be so ignorant. She is beautiful.
Nothign else matters.
Just don't look away from those eyes.
I don't think I can.
I think you're getting lost in them.

Seconds pass on the ticking clock
As I lay inside this bliss
I might as well be gone and dead
'Cause time does not exist

Sit now with me for awhile
We'll talk of the most vile
Things we can think
And if your disgusted I hope
That you learn to cope
With the morbid beauty you see

People walkin in chains
Their faces set in stoned pain
I'd like to break them one day
But its not worth a fuck
They'll never know what is what
Just be told and accept their fate

Arguments they incur
Great wrath in a blur
As my eyes tear and flood
Frustration's a bitch
Can't tell which feeling is which
Its all mixed, just anger love and blood

So I'm hoping that time
Passes faster than life
Maybe she'll return words back to me
But until those words come
I'll make a liquor store run
And wait for all of eternity

you are EVERYTHING right now

All the other people that I have met or talked to, they alll scream obscenities, they look at mea nd smear me with their eyes, smear me with their judgement, but she looksa nd seems to treasure my life. She looks at me and she sees beauty. Nobody as ever looked at me in such a way that inspires my soul to cry out for longing with the world, to touch the divine in a secular presence. All the other people, they were so fucking scared of me, so scared of feeling something so raw and powerful they shunned me out. Scared to feel something so deep they would have rather died than go to the depths of my mind. I can see it in her eyes. I can see her soul. It is the most beautiful creation born from the one instant that existence came to be. It is the perfection of all human emotion, and even still, such a perfection would find me beautiful. For that thought, she is to me the quintessance of all beauty. I will describe a sunset to you, and I want you to listen carefully. 'The plains reach out, flat and guiding to the horizon. I can see the Sun, as it gasps for air to breath out its last few rays of sunshine before the Night rears up in its ferocity and rides the Sun back into the sea. It kicks and struggles to stay afloat above the world, it fights to condemn the Night, to relinquish all fear and show vivid every color of life.' She is the Sun, and I am the Night. I will struggle to condemn life, to steal away its beauty, but she will bring out of me light enough to know the world is still bright, and still beautiful. She is the blackness that my iris surrounds, the stillest part of my eyes, that holds my deepest and darkest secrets, my fears and my hatred, my love and my divinity, she is all those things in me. My intense love, and my intense hate, so much that I hate intensely so that I may in opposite order, love her intensely. I can only sum her beauty up in one definitive word, SUBLIME.
And remember this above all things, I would do anything to protect the one person who found beauty in me. The one person that reminded me I wasn't completely fucked up, the one person that drove me from my spiritual depravity, and saved me from the shithole that I had dug. For all those things, I am sure I will always love her, no matter where my life may take me.

Her eyes were wide
And searching for life
I just stared right back
Cause I didn't wanna die

The sun was dead
And so were we
The world stopped turning
Didn't really matter to me

Cause death was late
And she was right on time
So I sat with her
Watched her cry for awhile

The noise of the crowd
Causes me to shout out loud
But its lifted away, like a message on a bird

So i sit and wait,
Till the crowd dissipates
Now I'm alone and my voice can be heard

everything keeps reminding me of you

Her eyelids jumped back and forth
Like the shutters in my brain
Singing softly to a memory
Taking photos of my stone-faced pain

Did the morning come to quick for you?
Before I left your bed?
I was humming as I got dressed
Resounding tunes inside your head

I do believe the world is beginning to come crashing down, the particles are seperating and my mind is pressing into itself, existence stretches to the infinite abyss, but I am safe. Her eyes won't let me fall off into the darkness.

No sleep tonight my sweet clementine
A pair of diamonds rose to mine,
The bright reflection of a golden sun.
And the taste of heaven seemed as if,
It was rolling on her tongue.

Sweet escape
I imagined you had eloped
With all the burdens set to bear
The weight that bends my hope

So I sit so sore upon my empty bed
The night clamours restless as the living dead
And my soul cries out a city's breath away
To wait alone to be reclaimed

Every night i dream of falling asleep next to you, so the world won't seem so cold. So i can rest my weary eyes and know that even if the darkness swallows me whole you will be there at my death, to hold me on my journy into nothingness. That would be the only comfort i would have if i was about to die, to be looking into your eyes and to close them and feel your lips on mine. That is why you are the most important person in my life, because you take away my fear of dying.

Your favorito, Salvador Dali. It reminds me of you, a beautiful woman with the soul of tigers, (sheesha), with a gun to her mind, alone on a rock in the middle of the atlantic fucking nowhere. And i'm the tiny rock in the background, sticking out of the water, just trying to get closer and closer to her true self, naked beneath the layers of tigers.