JUNE 1, 2003

so many times

i've loved & lost

I don't want to feel

pain anymore

I just can't lose again

or I may never

learn to care

or be cared for

I can't be alone

my threat

lies within

eating me from

the inside out.

Let me feel

I want to learn

how to release

this pressure

without hurting

I can't hurt

myself again

or hurt you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my head aches

and I can't help to think

the room spins

my stomach wants to release

the pressure

who do I fear

your feelings for me?

possibility lies in my past.

I can't believe

I've been loved.

who can love something that's been

beaten and broken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to know love

I don't want this bullshit infatuation

I yearn for the feeling

that comes with honesty

and an emotional bond

fuck this physicality

this is not what I need

In my heart I nedd

the feeling of a connection

an unspeakable bond.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fear

inspired by the past

known by the anxiety

identified by the feeling

yet another sleepless night

up with the sweating pain

the fear again

deep inside

why won't it come out?

why can't it be released?

i want nothing more than to

let it all go

i want to be me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your past is your past

and i know i have mine

lonliness and emptiness

are my everyday feelings

fear is a daily stab in the heart.