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August 1834 to Major Douglass [These letters preserved in the family of Major David Bates Douglass most recently in possession of Moses Hale Douglass] - "Since I have been here, I have not enjoyed one moment of happiness... Dear T ... when you see - tell him to be careful for my sake. [signed]Juliette [postscript] Lord Capulet, alias Sam Ward, send his regards."

September 1834 to Major Douglass - "We have done everything that could enliven the solitude of the country, we acted some charming 'tableaux vivants' which I will explain to Sarah on my return ... I could think I have been happy but for the remembrance of -, whose image, sleeping or waking, continually persues me. How hopeless is my passion, returned as I am assured it is, with all the ardor of youth; why must we both be unhappy from the difference of our station? But my resolution is taken, whatever it may cost me. Cease to love him, I cannot - but I shall never behold him again. I shall see him once more, but tell him that I have done no wrong in exciting in him a feeling which can never be gratified, that we are separated by obstacles which nothing can remove, and that we must part forever! May he be happy ... for me nothing remains but submission. Tears blind my eyes as I write. [signed] Your little Julietta [quoting suitor] Oh that I were a glove upon that hand ... 'father says he does not see why any man should wish to be a mitten on a girl's paw!"

[unkn. 1834 to Mr. Douglass] - "My mind seems to me to be perfect chaos of different elements confusedly blended together ... I feel as if I were endeavoring to untangle a skein of silk ... I know I have talents ... energies ....feelings and affections ... how to regulate these I know not, perhaps time, experience or friendship may teach me."

1835 sixteen years [unknown 1835 to her sisters in Newport] -
"By a strange and inexplicable caprice, Papa took it into his head today that I must make some pies ... miseries of pie-making, of kneading up and rolling out the paste, of stewing, sweetening and worse still tasting the gooseberries, of daubing oneself with butter, lard and flour - hands, face and clothes; of tearing the paste to pieces in trying to transfer it from board to dish! In two hours ...made three pies ... My only consolation is, that though I made them, father will have to eat them ... [postscript] Professor Longfellow paid us a visit on Sunday and will dine with us today. Longfellow must be a strong fellow to masticate the paste I have prepared for him."

JWH to Sam Ward, August 11, 1836, Quoted in Elliot TWMNP, 53./dc35
"Visitors flocking from every direction to cool themselves in its breezes, fogs and waves. The houses swarm with straw hats and canes; the beach with nankeen tights, life-preservers, oilcloth caps, bathing dresses - red blue green purple ... There are sailing parties, fishing parties, riding parties, dancing parties - all kinds of parties."

JWH to Samuel Ward, July 8, 1837, HPHL/dc32
"I do not think that I shall ever consider music as a serious occupation instead of a recreation..."

JWH to Samuel Ward [1837], HPHL/dc35
"the beaux are all gone, so that we are quite deserted. I cannot imaging why they all run away from this lovely spot, lovelier now than ever."

JWH to Samuel Ward n.d. {poss from 1837} HPHL/dc35
"I walked on the beach yesterday at sunset. It was beautiful, and awakened many pleasing associations of former days. I have spent some of the happiest hours of my life there, and as I sat upon the rocks, enjoying the sublimity of the scene, every wave as it dashed upon the shore seemed to tell of days that will return nomore. I know not why there is such a melancholy feeling attached to the remembrance of past happiness, except that we fear that the future can have nothing so bright as the past."

JWH, "Mathilda thou has seen me start"[1837]HPHL {"One afternoon Signor Cardini suggested that she sing some Rossini arias with the harpist as her accompanist and four years later she claimed that she could still remember,"}/dc36
"Large, deep, speaking blue eyes and sweet yet melancholy smile ... When he played his face was lit up with a lofty and impassioned expression, and as he bent over his harpI thought he looked truly inspired."

January 1838 [to Henry Ward who was in Europe]/GW?
"We were sorry you could not be at dear Sam's wedding,... hastened because of the precarious state of Mr. Astor Senior's health and his anxiety to see his favorite grandchild married. Weddings are generally anything but gay, ... This was the most cheerful I ever saw ... the bridal train consisted of myself and Mr. Jones, Louisa and Robert Walsh, Miss Alida Astor and Marion ... pulled of the glove with great dexterity, ... Sam and Emily went through the service with calmness and self posession. THey were married by Mr. Eastburn who read the service beautifully...At ten o'clock the doors of another room were thrown open and we all seated ourselves at a table which resembled Arabian Nights... The supper was magnificent, but I cannot say that we did it justice, for we were all too gay to eat; the doctor told some of his best stories and when the clock struck twelve, we could scarcely believe it.... at the brides house until the first day of February ... received their friends ... a grand ball ... Sam, Emily and I are going to sing some trios ... floor of the ballroom ... floral design had been traced in colored chalks ... the evening was at its height ... gravely admonished her that it was time to go home."

p. 66 - JWH to Louisa July 2, 1843 (#52M-301[430])
"I am not good with children - for their sakes, I should almost be willing not to have any."

24 JWH to Sam Ward, letter announcing engagement, n.d. presumably Feb. 1843 HPHL/dc66
"His true devotion won me from the world and from myself ... I am the captive of his bow and spear."

3 JWH to Louisa Ward, Friday [May] 12 [1843], copy courtesy of the Richards family/dc68
"I cannot tell you how good my husband is, how kind, how devoted ... He is all made oof pure gold. While I was ill, I slept continually and whenever I awoke, I found him sitting at my side, looking at me."

4 JWH to Louisa Ward, Friday [May] 12 [1843], copy courtesy of the Richards family/dc68
"When the ship rolled and I felt myself going, I generally made for the stoutest man in sight and pitched into him, the result being various apologies on both sides and great merriment on the part of the spectators ... little of the old mischief left, you see."

10 JWH to Louisa Ward, Friday [May] 12 [1843], copy courtesy of the Richards family/dc70
"Anne and I are little people here,...We are to young? to be noticed ... we are very demure, and have learned humility. Chev receives a great deal of attention, ladies press forward to look at him, roll up their eyes, and exclaim, 'Oh! he is such a wonner!' I do not like that the pretty women should pay him so many compliments... It will turn his little head! He is now almost well, and so handsome! the wrinkles are almost gone."

11 JWH, "The Present is Dead" poem dated June 4, 1843 HPHL/dc71
"I feel my varied powers all depart
With scare a hope that they be born anew
and nought is left, save one poor loving heart,
Of what I was - and that may perish too.

Come nearer to me let our spirits meet,
Let us of one light, one truth possessed;
Tis true our blended life on earth is sweet,
But can our souls within one heaven rest."

14 JWH to [Sam Ward] June -July 1843 HPHL/71
[Brideswell prison was] "...clean spacious, well arranged building."

16 JWH to [Sam Ward] June -July 1843 HPHL/72
"[the Marylebone workhouse] It is comfortable and clean - the children are well instructed taught trades and exercised in gymnastics...[charity school in Norwood] extensive and well managed but no so clean as the workhouse..."

20 JWH to Louisa Ward July 2, 1843 HPHL/dc73
"...you cannot get into the carriage without being surrounded by ragged women, holding out their dirty hands and clamouring for ha'pence."

23 JWH to Louisa Ward July 29, [1843], copy courtesy of the Richards family/dc74
"[Wordsworth described as] crabbed old sinner, who gave us a very indifferent muffin."

31 JWH to John Ward December 13, 1843 HPHL/dc77
"[Rome] ...the city seems to contain scarce anything but artists, priests and beggars. I have seen the Pope three times, he looked like an old woman dressed up very finely ...They take, I think, the fattest priests to make the Cardinals and the fattest Cardinal to make the Pope."

32 JWH to John Francis, June 15, 1844 HPHL 77
"[Religion should not be]...ascetic and visionary, but earnest, truthful, just and charitable. That which I have seen in Rome, ay, and even in England, leads me to blieve that men have, so far, strangely mistaken the spirit in their zeal for the letter of Christianity. Theology in general seems to me a substitution of human ingenuity for diving wisdom."

50 JWH, "The Darkest Moment" [1844} HPHLdc/83
"Hope dies last night as I was led
unto my marriage bed;
Nay, do not weep, 'twas I
Not thou, that slew my happy destiny."

51 JWH "The Dawning of Light" begun in Rome and finished in England [1844] HPHLdc/83
"When once I know my sphere
Life shall no more be drear
I will be all tou wilt
To cross thy least desire shall be guilt ...

Then, husband smile on me,
Smile, and smile tenderly;
Pure angel that thou art,
Build up again the ruins of my heart!"

p. 75 - January 31, 1846 (#449)
"I still live the same subdued, buried kind of life which I used to live when you were with me, but with some ameliorations. My voice is still frozen to silence, my poetry chained down be an icy band if indifference, I begin at last to believe that I am no poet, and never was, save in my own imagination.

p. 77 - JWH to Louisa February 15, 1846 (#450) )
"My babies are all the poetry and beauty I can see in life. If I have them not, I should quietly die of inanition. Dearest Wevie, What is this problem? Are we meant to change so utterly? Is it selfish, is it egotistical to wish that others may love us, take an interest in us, sympathize with us, in our maturer age, as in our youth? Are our hearts to fade and die out, with our early bloom, and in giving life to others, do we lose our own vitality, and sink into dimness, nothingness, and living death? I have tried this, and found it not so good - so methinks, I will not hold it fast. But then again, what shall I do? Where shall I go to beg some scraps and remnants of affection to feed my hungry heart? It will die, if it be not fed. My children will, one day, love me - my sisters have always loved me - my husband? May God teach him to love me, and help me to make him happy. For our children's sake, and for our own, we must strive to come nearer together and not live such a life of separation. We must cultivate every sympathy which we have in common, and try mutually to acquire those which we have not. He must learn to understand those things which have entirely formed my character - I have come to him, have left my poetry, my music, my religion, I have walked with him in his cold world of actualization - there, I have learned much, but there I can do nothing - he must come to me, must have ears for my music, must have soul for my faith - my nature is to sing, to pray, to feel - his is to fight, to teach, to reason; but love and patience may bring us much nearer together than we are."

(to Louisa who was in Rome regarding Annies marriage to Adolph Maillard)
"[The bride wore] white muslin tulle, trimmed with lace which cost $200 or more ... Much presents, spledid dresses ...[julia called her own dress] the most splendid of all [because it was the one that Louisa had sent her from Paris. Annie was] very lovely in her wreath and scarf ... graceful and poetic... Annie behaved beautifully. The company was gay and pleasant - most of the guests stayed all morning and ate oceans of fruits and ices. The buffet was very handsome in Weller's best style. At three o'clock ...[Annie] slipped of her wedding dress, slipped on a pretty dark silk, ate a sweetbread and was handed into her carriage to go to the boat. Poor Uncle cried bitterly as he put her in! Annie also cried but with very sunshiny tears."

p. 79 - JWH to Louisa May 30, 1846 (#452)
" �my heart no longer aches with the thought that I have given up all else on earth to make one man happy, and have yet utterly failed to accomplish it. � I shall always remember Brattelbro as a sort of refuge from pain and sickness, if I am ever sick, I will drag myself thither, and wash, and be clean."

p. 75 - JWH to Annie June 1846 (#440):
"What I feel is a premature old age, caused by the strong passions and conflicts of my early life - it is the languor and indifference of old age, without it's (sic) well earned right to repose."

p. 74 - JWH to Annie June 1846 (#440)
"Marriage, like death is a debt we owe to nature, and though it costs us something to pay it, yet are we more content and better established in peace when we have paid it. A young girl is a loose flower, or flower seed, blown about by the wind - it may be cruelly battered, may be utterly blighted and lost to this world - but the matron is the same flower or seed planted, springing up, and bearing fruit unto eternal life."

"Waked up �God only knows what I have suffered from this stupor - it has been like blindness, like death, like exile from all things beautiful and good � that brutal stage of indifference � materializing and degrading to a woman whose spiritual nature has any strength�Men think it glorification enough to be a wife and mother in any way, and upon any terms...It is partly, sweet child, the result of an utter want of sympathy in those around me, which like a winter's frost, benumbed my whole nature. Do not chide me, my blessing, for thus faintly explaining to you what has been so long been cold and heavy at my heart. You cannot, cannot know the history, the inner history of the last four years."

p. 98 - January 31, 1847 (#465)

p. 99 - May 15 1847? JWH to Louisa:
"thin and languid � I am able to think, to study, and to pray, things wh[ich] I cannot accomplish when my brain is oppressed� still a pilgrim in pursuit of something that is neither house, nor lands, nor children, nor health."

p. 68 - JWH to Louisa January 31, 1847 (#465)
"For heaven's sake, do not undertake another baby immediately. I for my part, am quite satisfied with my pair of monkey's and devoutly hope for an exemption from similar pangs in the future. It is a blessed thing to be a mother, but there are bounds to all things, and no woman is under any obligation to sacrifice the whole of her existence to the mere act of bringing children into the world. I cannot help considering the excess of this as materializing and degrading to a woman whose spiritual nature has any strength."

p. 105 - JWH to Louisa June 13, 1848 (#486)
"I do not see why one should pretend to be excessively happy when one is not, or why one should try to stay to oneself "I love this man," when love is a matter out of the question. But marriage is not an affair simply of happiness, it is not a promise of boundless gratification of any taste or feeling. It is a contract into which people, for the most part, enter into voluntarily, knowing that it has certain advantages, and certain disadvantages - it is a relation in which we assume grave obligations to other people, & it is quite as important that we should make them happy as that we should be happy ourselves � [Chev's] many kindnesses � much that embellishes and elevates � as much as for my sake as for his� I cannot pretend to say that I am perfectly happy, or that there are not vast and painful longings of my soul which, in this life, will never be satisfied, but I am to live forever, and I shall be more likely to attain happiness hereafter, by cultivating in this life, a spirit of humility, of gratitude, and the love of uses � Clampit may very honestly believe that I think differently, for she knew me best in the days of a very painful crisis - I was, at one time, bitterly & dreadfully unhappy, but I hope not perversely so. I still bear in my heart traces of much suffering, but there was good in it for me, and there shall be good for others.

p. 108 - JWH to SGH undated (#376)
"I will not expect too much from you. I will enjoy all the moments of sunshine which we can enjoy together. I will treasure every word, every look of your that is kind and genial, to comfort me in those long, cold, wintry days, when I feel that you do not love me."

p. 112 (To Annie October 1848)
"I only feel as if my death were the one thing desirable for his comfort, but live I must, and I can unhappily be nothing but my poor half crazy self. Don[']t let this make you sad; it does not me. I am quite Jolly as usual, but I should like to know how it feels to be something better than an object of disgust to one's husband."

p. 113 - JWH to Louisa July 12, 1849 (#499)
[She spent a great deal of time alone] "� pretty much every hour in the day, & every day in the week."

p. 113 - JWH to Annie Fall 1849 (#495)
"� but it seems to time that I was never before so dull, so lethargic, so devoid of interest to myself and to others. As to poor Louisa she cannot but be wretched with me - nothing occurs to break the monotony of her visit. Were she less of a wife and mother than she is, these days would be insufferable to her."

p. 113 - JWH to Annie October 3, 1849 (#497)
."�too, too sick at heart [to do more than vegetate:] "The pressure of endless discontent which weighs upon me from without is enough to break a stronger spirit than mine."

p. 113 - JWH to Annie December 15, 1849 (#500)
"� intent mainly on holding onto the ropes, and upon getting through the present without much consciousness of it." [Although she assured Annie that Chev was "better" than when Annie had last seen him, and declared her earnest affection for him, she also reported her brother-in-law's perception that she was afraid of him - "And so I am, inter nos."

1850 to Annie - Pray tell Adolph that I feel really ashamed of quartering myself upon him, with such a troupe of infant phenomena, and that I shall hardly dare ask for admittance when I knock at the door and he comes to open it. But indeed, dear Annie, I can't help it this year. Chev is impatient to get away from the spring winds and we must all go, and we are grateful that you are willing to receive us for a month.

1851 to Annie - "After a very dusty, dirty journey, I arrived at Green Preace at six o'clock, Saturday evening. Two children whom I should not have known for mine ran out to meet me, and after some little show of shyness, hugged me heartily. I found the house in perfect order and the place wonderfully improved. Everything was calculated to make a pleasant impression on me. My husband is very kind and seems to wish to make me happy. As fist I was quite overpowered by the newness of my position after so different a life, but I already begin to feel at home ... I ought to do many things for the elder children - they seem to me very petulant and coarse mannered, I mean given to loud and quick talking, contradicting each other etc. Ther are in good health but constant exposure to the sun has injured the beeauty of their complexions. Julia is freckled and Flossie is badly tanned. I cannot help a feeling of disappointment at finding them so, they were so fair when I left- their voices too have a harshness of tone most unpleasant to me, who esteem too highly grace of speech in a woman. Still there is ample time to reform all these things if there father is willing.
p. 116 - JWH to Louisa October 28, 1851 (#533) �faults of temper, want of consideration, etc., � eccentric habits of life �how much there had been to unsettle my mind, how utterly I seem to have been cast adrift, and given up to the caprices of fate. I felt sometimes the pleasure of a naughty child in being bad. I had been much tormented. I liked perhaps to torment others.�

March 12, 1852 - to Longfellow - "I am sorry to tell you that Chev will not be able to go to the Theater tomorrow evening. He went, on Tuesday evening, to see Lola Montez and was very sick all of yesterday in consequence. I shall secure tickets for you and myself in a private box."
Summer of 1852 - to Louisa from the Longfellows place in Newport "Imagine Fanny longfellow nad muself, playing puss-in-corner with George (Howadji) Curtis, John da Costa of Casa Dies memory and Longo, Fanny's long hair fell down her back and she looked finely."
p. 117 - JWH to Louisa June 27, 1852 (#52M-301[384]) �I was � very full of my own gratification in diverse ways ��
p. 117 - JWH to Louisa July 20, 1852 (#537) [Rome] �� unfolded its maternal arms� [during that time of] ��extremest misery�
p. 120 - JWH to Horace Binney Walace#52M-301 (401) �My Dear Horace, I have been made happy by hearing that you are miserable in Paris. I could almost say that you cannot be more miserable there than I wish you, so anxious am I to have my best friend on the same side of the water with me again � It was unkind of you to go, and I miss you so much, and life is so short, and friendship is so precious - ah me! I sigh to think friendship is not less certain than life- � Horace, these poems lose half their worth to me, for want of your criticism. I depend much upon it - your severe taste has already helped me to write far better than I could have written without it. You are, on this point, an irreparable loss to me - how shall I remedy it? � Far greater is my need of you as a friend. I have been leading a very lonely and unsympathetic life ever since I came from New Port. I need to be practically reminded that Love is the Religion of Life, and who can bring us back to its standard, if it not be one who is dear to us. � I am too lonely, too helpless, too orphaned to be deserted by you, my brother. Whatever amusement or employment Life may give us, it brings us too little occupation for the heart - we must prize and make the most of any dear relation it brings us, for indifference lies widely all around and in us� were it not for this, I could not tire of writing to you �not liking to trust this letter to your brother, or to Mrs. D.�

p. 133 - JWH to Louisa Feb 18?, 1853 (#544) (To Annie the same day) - �I shall sit with my hands crossed, in despair, if I do not cut my throat � Still, if I can work at my poems, I shall not complain.�
p. 136 - Letter to Annie December 29?, 1853 (#555) �I have a great mind to keep the whole matter entirely secret from him, and not let him know anything until the morning the volume comes out. Then he cannot do nothing to prevent its sale in its proper form. Dear Annie, could one do this? He has known all time that I intend publishing, and has made not objection, and not much comment.�
121 - JWH to Louisa February 18, 1853 (#542) �Of course, Annie has written you all about poor Wallace. Was it not a fearful thing, his end? He, so precious, so full of help and comfort to many people, to fling away his life! Surely, surely, he was insane. I believe it, and can almost fancy that I saw the elements of it in some of his ways -but that, one is apt to do. Oh! My poor, poor friend, to me at least you are dreadfully wanting. Really, Wevie, since Harry�s death I have not had a loss more important, individually, to me. We were very sympathetic to each other - he helped me to my best thoughts, and knew which were my best. I do not wish you to understand that I have been exactly very wretched about him. My sensibilities are much exhausted - I shed few tears for him - it was rather like having had a limb amputated while under the influence of Chloroform, and then waking and feeling the loss in the want.
p. 132 - JWH to Annie December 8, 1853 (#540) �I seized upon the publication of my Book as the only help against grief to bitter to bear � [T]his sorrow departs not from me, day or night. I always loved him, but I did not know how much until I lost him.�
p. 133 - JWH to Louisa Feb 18, 1853 (#542) �I should have a worse madness if I did not cram myself with books. The barrenness and emptiness of life were then insupportable, and that distant but terrible vision of insanity which has haunted my life, would become reality.�
p. 121 - JWH to Louisa February 18, 1853 (#542) �Of course, Annie has written you all about poor Wallace. Was it not a fearful thing, his end? He, so precious, so full of help and comfort to many people, to fling away his life! Surely, surely, he was insane. I believe it, and can almost fancy that I saw the elements of it in some of his ways -but that, one is apt to do. Oh! My poor, poor friend, to me at least you are dreadfully wanting. Really, Wevie, since Harry�s death I have not had a loss more important, individually, to me. We were very sympathetic to each other - he helped me to my best thoughts, and knew which were my best. I do not wish you to understand that I have been exactly very wretched about him. My sensibilities are much exhausted - I shed few tears for him - it was rather like having had a limb amputated while under the influence of Chloroform, and then waking and feeling the loss in the want.
p. 132 - JWH to Annie December 8, 1853 (#540) �I seized upon the publication of my Book as the only help against grief to bitter to bear � [T]his sorrow departs not from me, day or night. I always loved him, but I did not know how much until I lost him.�
p. 133 - JWH to Louisa Feb 18, 1853 (#542) �I should have a worse madness if I did not cram myself with books. The barrenness and emptiness of life were then insupportable, and that distant but terrible vision of insanity which has haunted my life, would become reality.�
p. 133 - JWH to Louisa Feb 18?, 1853 (#544) (To Annie the same day) �I shall sit with my hands crossed, in despair, if I do not cut my throat � Still, if I can work at my poems, I shall not complain.�
p. 136 - Letter to Annie December 29?, 1853 (#555) �I have a great mind to keep the whole matter entirely secret from him, and not let him know anything until the morning the volume comes out. Then he cannot do nothing to prevent its sale in its proper form. Dear Annie, could one do this? He has known all time that I intend publishing, and has made not objection, and not much comment.�

p. 156 - JWH to Annie February 1854 (#554) - Poor changeable Chev has �chopped round� once more, and New York is further off than ever. He was in such a state of mind that it would have been unsafe to leave him. I have been able to calm and sooth him, somewhat, and he now promises that I shall leave on the first of March, for any length of time agreeable to you, Uncle, and myself. I wrote you a letter about this on Saturday, but so sad that it would have pained you much to receive it. Things are better now, but we have been very unhappy. The Book, you see, was a blow to him, and some impertinent people have hinted to him that the Miller was meant for himself - this has made him almost crazy. He has fancied, moreover, that every one despised and neglected him, and indeed it is true that I have left him too much to himself. I will not expand upon the topic of our miseries - he has been in a very dangerous state, I think very near insanity, and if I have done best for him and my children by staying here, you, my darling Annie, will neither regret nor complain of it � but be thankful that you have not been here, so far - you cannot bear to see people unhappy - it works upon you - we have had the devils� own time of it, and as I tell you, I hardly know myself, after all that I have endured. You must not blame poor Chev, however, he could not help it. I cannot write any more, dear Annie - things pass before me as if in a dream.�

1855 - Pray tell Adolph that I feel really ashamed of quartering myself upon him, with such a troupe of infant phenomena, and that I shall hardly dare ask for admittance when I knock at the door and he comes to open it. But indeed, dear Annie, I can't help it this year. Chev is impatient to get away from the spring winds and we must all go, and we are grateful that you are willing to receive us for a month.

November 6, 1859 to Annie - Did I tell you of Becky's visit? She came one pm and staid [sic] to tea and I had to send her to the cars for Milton. Then Chev took her on to Newport, finding it not so strange that people could have enough of her> She wore her bosom too low, even for him."

To her sister Annie from jwh by the girls - Sunday, November 6, 1859. The potatoes arrived long since and were most jolly, as indeed they continue to be. Did n't acknowledge them 'cause knew other people did, and thought it best to be unlike the common herd. Have just been to church and heard Clarke preach about John Brown, whom God bless, and will bless! I am much too dull to write anything good about him, but shall say something at the end of my book on Cuba, whereof I am at present correcting the proof-sheets. I went to see his poor wife, who passed through here some days since. We shed tears together and embraced at parting, poor soul! Folks say that the last number of my Cuba is the best thing I ever did, in prose or verse. Even Emerson wrote me about it from Concord. I tell you this in case you should not find out of your own accord that it is good. I have had a rather unsettled autumn-have been very infirm and inactive, but have kept up as well as possible-going to church, also to Opera, also to hear dear Edwin Booth, who is playing better than ever. My children are all well and delightful.... I have finished Tacitus' history, also his Germans....Chev is not at all annoyed by the newspapers, but has been greatly overdone by anxiety and labor for Brown. Much has come upon his shoulders, getting money, paying counsel, and so on. Of course all the stories about the Northern Abolitionists are the merest stuff. No one knew of Brown's intentions but Brown himself and his handful of men. The attempt I must judge insane but the spirit heroic. I should be glad to be as sure of heaven as that old man may be, following right in the spirit and footsteps of the old martyrs, girding on his sword for the weak and oppressed. His death will be holy and glorious-the gallows cannot dishonor him-he will hallow it.... 1865

1865 March 27th. "I am God," says the fool. "I see God," says the wise man. For while you are your own supreme, you are your own God, and self-worship is true atheism. Let us always be mindful of two things, perfection and imperfection. The first, we worship, the second we are. Law is the iron framework that holds the fluent universe.
May 7th. A religion is a turning primarily to God for inspiration and secondarily to our fellow men for service. Criticism of others rarely leads men to reform themselves.
May 21st. Let me record from my experience that you must never, if you wish to raise the moral ton eof a person, dwell upon his past faults. You must, on the contrary, help him to lose the whole frame of mind of which they were a part and consequence. With a person recovering from insanity, you would never seek to keep in view the evidences of his former state of mind. These would always tend to prolong the morbid action which must be broken up in order to produce a cure. Newness of heart is a good phrase.
May 30th. Unitarianism is critical, not dogmatic; regulative, not constitutive. All positive points of belief it has in common with all other Christian sects. It is more important in its influence on other sects than noticeable as a sect. I value it above all measure, but at the same time recognize that the idea; church is not in one denomination, but in all.
June 9th. Let me never go back from use to pleasure. If this remain only a silent passive prayer, it is better to keep it in this shape than not at all. But I believe that things will open up for me.
June 20th. If men must have toys, let us give them cats, dogs, horses, but not women. For the toy usage has gone far to spoil all others.
October 6th. The Sunday devotion without the weeks thought and use is a spire without a meeting-house. It leaps upward, but crowns and covers nothing. I have too often set down the moral weight I have to carry, and frisked around it. But the voice now tells me that I must bear it to the end, or lose it forever.

"...if he had been engaged to Florence Nightengale, and had loved her so ever dearly, he would have givin her up as soon as she commenced her career as a public woman."

January 17th, 1864 I said to myself last night, "While there is God, there is hope."

January 30th, 1864 This day I feel a clearer purpose than ever before to try to do every day with some system what will be best for all, all things considered.

March 18th. Let me here put on record that I prefer the poorest and meanest man who has a moral sense and follows it, to the most gallant personage who either lacks or violates the same. I ask nothing for my son but that he may keep his thoughts unpoisoned by inflammatory ideas and his heart free from that venom of falsity which is the inevitable companion of selfishness carried to its highest power. Yet every man stands or falls to his own master. We can only judge of what compels our approbation or our dis-esteem. The absolute moral value of the man is unknown to us. God forbid that any of us should be judged at our worst, even by high human justice.

April 18th. Modesty is as much shown in our judgements of others as in our judgement of ourselves.

June 12th. This service (of the Greek church) seemed very primitive in comparison with ours. It is a sacrifice to God, instead of a lesson from him, which, after all, makes the difference between the old religions than the true Christian. For even Judaism is heathen compared with Christianity. Yet I found this very consoling, feeling out the varieties of religious development. I seemed to hear in the responses a great harmony in which the first man had the extreme bass, and the last born babe the extreme treble.

September 30th. My theory of Limitation must teach me not to lament when one pleasure, like that of the summer life, etc. comes to an end. I must also particularly learn what I have so often enforced in writing, viz., to fall back upon pleasures that do not pass, at least upon satisfactions.

1866
January 7th. There is neither more nor less in God. He is absolute good, whenever we contemplate Him, whether for a moment or a century. The more we contemplate Him, the more we enjoy His good. But in itself changes neither quantitatively. The talents (in Christ's parable) then signify the multiplication of human powers by their efficient use. The one penny of reward symbolizes the divine gift which is always the same, the difference existing in its recipients.
January 14th. _____ preached a sermon on the supremacy of Christ which made me cry out "Preserve us from our friends." For he failed to distinguish the true philosophical element of the identity of direction of truth which is absolute. In human knowledge a small proportion of such truth is mingled with a much greater proportion of relative truth and absolute error. The quantitative limitation of our knowledge does lower the qualitative value and absoluteness of this, its smallest and most precious portion. This is the leaven that leaveneth the whole lump. But this absolute truth is what imparts dignity to its possessors, not they to it. Truth makes Christ great, not he it. Truth also made Moses and Plato great. If they had less truth than Christ, they were the less great. But truth is nonetheless supreme; and although all our knowledge be in itself relative and limited, the recognition of absolute truth is the foundation of human thought, and the pursuit and verification of this recognition makes the difference of value between on man and another.
January 16th. While we are inwardly under the minnion of our passions and outwardly under the fear of ordinances, we are slaves to both law and passion. But when our reason voluntarily consents to moral law, we are free alike from the outward ordinances, which is no longer the power that restrains us, and from the inward slavery of our own ungoverned impulses. Perhaps liberty is intelligent and voluntary obedience.
March 11th. I have written somewhere: "Good is a direction - virtue is a habit." The first I still think is true; the second Kant will not allow � I suppose that the victories of principle in the struggles o f our lives require virtue. She does not derange good habits, but she does not rest in them.
May 27th. I have little to show for the post year's work, having produced no work of any length, and read little in public. The doctrine of the seed does, however, encourage us to continue our small efforts. The most effectual quickening of society is through that small still influence which creeps like the leaven through the dough. All religions derive so largely from the reverence paid to ancestors that I am convinced that this impulse in man is a very important element of his religious capacity and culture. The Greek mythologies seem to me to be made up of the worship of wonderful ancestors. For all that was distinguished in Greece claimed descent from god, demi-god, or hero (the trinity of Greek theology). Roman piety was duteous care of one's relatives. It follows from this that the disregard of one's parents and elders common in America, is in itself an irreligious trait, and one which education should sedulously correct. It is a contingent, not a logical result of our institutions, and though generated by them tends to their overthrow. The directness of moral aims and the indirectness of moral results. In the faith in which I live and worship. There seems to me to be a straight road from the pulpit through the whole domain of business and politics, to the battlefield. One banner is carried all the way, one hymn resounds from end to end, one prayer comes from the preacher and is handed down and accepted through the ranks. But in the opposite wing, the path from the pulpit is devious, winding, and often lost. The true flag is viewed from a distance, poor imitations making its place lower down, which deform its image more and more. And these in the ranks are separated from the pulpit and get only symbols for truths, and repeat observances, instead of studying out meanings.
June 3rd. Having been thinking lately that lust is more cruel than hate, and that luxury is the father of cruelty. To refuse oneself nothing leads to sins of commission. To constrain oneself in nothing leads to sins of omission. From these naturally follow offense of the rights of others and neglect of duties towards them. Sometimes feeling the necessity of both and not knowing how to reconcile the two. Skeptics do not find fault with the conception of a first cause, but with dogmatic insistence upon the ability of the human authority to understand its features, explain its modus operandi with absolute statement, � where all our processes of thought become negative an differential. The dogmatism of the church has, however, this excuse. Belief is a positive, doubt a negative. Belief is efficient, doubt abstains from all but destructive action. A mistaken belief compared to the emptiness of indifference is a plus to a minus. Therefore, the clergy, measuring disbelief against belief, assumes an absolute value in favor of the latter, which, under these circumstances, cannot be disallowed. The doubt which heralds in reform is not skepticism, but devout distrust of existing institutions and belief in principles which they inadequately represent.
November 11th. We must worship what Jesus worshipped. This was not himself. There are three aspects in each of us, the natural or empirical self, the ideal or rational self, and the actual or experimental self. The larger the development of the individual, the more clearly can we make out the three elements. This is the Threehood which the human has, unavoidable perhaps, projected onto the divine.
December 18th. The worship of Christ, however natural and useful in its time, has surely, after a certain time, tended to distract the attention of the people from the study of his doctrine and careful following of his precepts. They say, "Lord, Lord," and think they have preformed a religious act.

1867 The Walk With God

January 4th. The individuality of Christianity is moral and intensive. It is an outward experience, not an outward assertion.

January 9th. Thought of a good essay on the deceitfulness of riches, showing that the good rich man holds all his wealth subject to the demands of those who need it more than he does. The world is an illusion if we have not truth in ourselves. Virtue makes us wise because her name implies an unending series of experiments founded on just principles.

January 14th. Humanity itself is only representative, the two sexes are its two terms, the ideal of humanity the third, explaining and including the two others. Hence men and women are not properly compared with each other, but with that ideal which the two are bound to represent, and which difference of constitution enables the man to represent in one way, the woman in another. Hence, in a way, the defect of the Pharisee's prayer. He compared himself with the Publican and found himself superior, but the Publican compared himself with the divine standard and found him wanting. Therefore, the exercise of prayer, which in the one resulted in self-assertion, in the other resulted in humiliation and self-rejection, and so the one profited and the other did not. After bestirring ourselves to elect those who are to represent us, it becomes us to elect what we ourselves will represent, whether justice and progress, charity, mercy and effort, or sloth luxury and self-indulgence. For our lives are after all only figures of what we intend. Our representation can be either strenuous and sincere, or careless and hypocritical. Its intellectual grasp is measured for us by nature, its moral appropriateness and efficiency is determined by our own will exercised at once in energy and discrimination.

February 6th. Freedom is God's equalizer.

May 26th To desire supremely ends which are incompatible with no one's happiness, and which promote the good of all - this, even as an ideal, is a great gain over the small and eager covetousness of personal desires. Religion gives this steadfast standard, whose pursuit is happiness. Therefore, let him who seeks religion be glad that he seeks only true good, of which indeed we constantly fail, and yet in seeking it, are constantly renewed.

November 24th. A disappointment should be digested in patience, not vomited in spleen. Bitter morsels nourish the soul not less perhaps than sweet. Moral philosophy begins with the act of accepting human life.

1868 The Walk With God
Wednesday, January 1st. May I this year have energy, patience, goodwill and good faith. May I be guilty of no treason against duty and my best self. May I acquire more system, order and wisdom in the use of things. May I, if God wills, carry out some of my plans for making my studies useful to others. This is much to ask, but not too much of Him who giveth all.
Sunday, January 26th. Some mental troubles have ended in the determination to hold fast till death the liberty wherewith Christ has made me free. The joyous belief that this doctrine of influence can keep me from all that I greatly dread lifts me up like a pair of strong wings. "I shall run and not be weary. I shall walk and not faint." At church the first hymn contained these lines: "Her father's God before her moved -" which quite impressed me; for my father's piety and the excellence of other departed relatives have always of later years been a support and a pledge to me of my own good behavior."
Saturday, February 1st. Oh, Master, in this new month forsake me not. Thou knowest my present great need. Let me, dear Master, lose all but Thee, for Thou art all I have to lose.
Sunday, February 2nd. Church was blessed. Prayer and sermon quality dear. In petition for those we love and against temptation my heart equally joined � my heart uplifts itself in hope not to be divided by any personal seeking from the great army of good and faithful souls. The single eye, the single love - if Christ has taught anything he has taught the necessity of purity and sincerity of aim to character. We do not serve God with the mammon of our own vanities and other passions. I write this personal record at this moment because I wish to remember at this time its efforts and its lessons. The thief's heart, the wanton's brow, may accompany high talent and gentility of temperament, but, thanks be to God, they need not.
Sunday, March 29th. I have heard the true word of God to-day from Frederick Hedge - a sermon on Love as the true bond of society, which lifted my weak soul as on the strong wings of a cherub. The immortal truths easily lost sight of in our every-day weakness and passion stood out to day so strong and clear that I felt their healing power as if Christ had stood and touched my blinded eyes with his divine finger. So be it always! Esto perpetua!
Monday, March 30th. Thought at breakfast of Christ's beautiful prayer about his disciples, especially of the words, "I pray not that thou shouldst take them out of the world, but that thou shouldst keep them from evil." I desire, my dear Lord and Master, to remember his prayer as if it had been made for me. I pray that the divine echo of yesterday's sermon may follow me through the week. Let me learn truths that I have not known before, and endure patiently pain that I bring upon myself. So thy will be done, dear Master, and if unable to do it let me suffer it sincerely.
Sunday, April 12. A lovely Easter sermon, the Resurrection or going up of Christ typical of the raising of the soul from things sensible to things spiritual � J. F. C. (the Rev. James Freeman Clarke, pastor of the Church of the Disciples) from this sermon obviously believes the appearance of Christ after death to have been fact, not a fancy. While he made it edifying and inspiring to us I still feel that the significance of the occurrence, not its actuality, is important. I feel more hopeful and uplifted than in many days past. Let me not fail of my Easter Resurrection, O Thou great Help of human hearts!
August 15, 1868 (After a period of mental conflict) - My divine Master, receive, I pray Thee, the thoughts and intentions of this day as the fresh starting towards a career of renewed zeal and effort. The period just passed has left few records on these pages. Afflicted by its faults I yet its sum and settlement in thy hands. I only ask that from this moment I may seek with greater directness and pray with greater fervor, and that nothing may withhold me from truly endeavoring in energetic and useful life, wronging no man and leaving the fulfillment of no duty un-attempted. In the year so far past I have done good and also evil, of which the measure is better known than Thee than to me. Of both my heart can only speak directly to Thee without the expression and limitation of words. My testimony is only that without thee life has no divine moments, only poor enjoyments and burning recollections. But in thy presence, grief of changed to glory, and this presence and benediction I implore of Thee, not out of desert but of need. O Thou unspeakable One who hearest my unspoken shrift, withdraw not, Thy fatherly instruction from me, but teach me true and great lessons, even if bitter ones. So much utterance I may allow my heart; now no more speech, but work, and true service, if I can find it and perform it.