I have known all of this for so long, it was never a mystery. It’s all just a matter of growing the balls to change. This fear that encompasses me will drive me insane until I fix it. I just might die if I don’t clear my head soon. There is nothing more aggravatingly relaxing than utter silence. I wish that for one evening I could lounge in a bubble bath without music blasting in my ears. I wish that one night could fill my head with peaceful thoughts. I want to enjoy the happiness of peace of mind. I want to sincerely say that I have made all of the right decisions in my life.

As of today, I cannot say that. I can say that I have fulfilled my wildest dreams for my career, but my life is not yet happy. I am not sure what I am lacking, but it’s quite obvious that I am missing something important. I dreamed of this day. The day that I would finally reach the top. I have finally pulled up a chair and sat at the throne of GWA. I am THE Gladiator Champion. Finally. I made it here in seven short months. Fuck, I could retire if I didn’t love the game too much. I have finally reached my goal, and yet I feel so unsatisfied. My heart is completely unfulfilled, and my head is spinning wildly. I can’t stand straight; the slightest breeze would knock me on my ass. I can’t stand that humiliation. Not now. Not when I finally reached the top.

Silence…I long for it desperately. I need the silence as much as I need the peace. I look in the mirror and see so many different things. I see the voices that haunt me. I see the mistakes that have chased me for hundreds of miles. I lost myself somewhere along the way. I left myself, tucked safely beneath a rock before turning and running once again. I only wish I could remember where that rock was located. I would really like to be myself right now.

I have changed so much though; I don’t recognize anything about me. I have become a split person, no longer whole. I have become all talk in my career. I forced myself to change for this success; in no way do I regret it. Now I struggle to keep it from my personal life. Wrestling is all I have, personally and career-wise. My friends have been narrowed down to wrestling. There is no break from that world, but I never thought I would want such a thing. I had no problem throwing myself into this sport. I love it. But now I feel a need for something more. I have this undying need for companionship. Forget solitude… I need conversation…with someone other than myself. I need someone else. I never thought I would admit that…but it’s true. I need something other than this fantasy world of mine.

Tyler, darling, you are the first to get a shot at my title. I apologize ahead of time for crushing your aspirations. I have no doubt that you thirst for this belt. I had the hunger before, now I have the sweet taste of victory on my lips. This is a cup I never wish to return to the table. I want it in my hands at all times. I want the taste lingering on my tongue forever. Those of you that have held this amazing title know exactly how I feel. Looking at the belt never grows old. The texture never bores my fingertips. The thrill of last week will never die in my mind. Well, what do you know? The ride is only going to become more adventurous.

So you are next in line, eh, Tyler? You come out of a depressing losing streak, and suddenly you’re preparing yourself to steal my title away. Don’t you know how long I’ve been dreaming of this? Don’t you know how hard I have worked? I have sacrificed so much to get here….what have you done? You’ve sat there…waiting for a lucky break. This isn’t your lucky break Tyler. I won’t let you get lucky this week. You won’t steal what I hold so dear. None of you will even tough this precious belt, but especially not you, Tyler.

This is the biggest achievement I could possibly dream to reach. I won’t let you take it away from me. This belt is not a crutch. This belt is the top of the mountain. You will not borrow it so that you can feel better about yourself. You have yet to prove yourself to even yourself. You need to prove yourself to everyone before you even deserve a chance at this amazing position. I am sitting here, looking down at the world. You are still quite small, and extremely far away. Don’t give up, rook, but keep working. You’ll get here someday. Then we’ll dance. For now, roll over and play “Dead.” This isn’t your game right now.

“Now is as good a time as any…” Raine removes the pen from her lips and slowly posts the date at the top of the blank page, March 17, 2003. Raine smiles as she writes.

“I slept like a princess last night. Nothing is different, but nothing is the same. One wonderful night of being the Gladiator Champion in GWA changed everything for me, and yet I didn’t do anything to celebrate. I came home with my belt in hand and I questioned my safety. Reina Saiaki seems to yo-yo from helping me to threatening me. I’d rather she help, in all honesty; she’s the kind of person you want on your side, not because you get along with her, but because she’s a deadly enemy.”

Raine slowly lifts her hand from the page, dropping the pen onto her bed. She drags her fingertips along the bedspread, slowly fingering the outside of her brand new belt. Raine’s fingers slowly slip beneath the metal of the medallion. The metal is still warm from the last time she held it in her hands. Raine’s lips form a concerned smile as she holds the belt before her. She bites her lip lightly and replaces it beside her on the bed.

”I suddenly realize that it truly is lonely at the top. I worked so hard for this, but I didn’t go out and celebrate with anyone. Everyone walked away from that arena like nothing happened. The biggest night of my entire career left me completely alone. I thought I had friends here…but one has already turned against me. I can’t actually say I lost a valuable friend in Reina, we weren’t really friends. We are no longer even allies, though. I guess there are no real allies in this business. One day you’re going to lunch with someone, the next week you’re facing them in an important match.”

Raine props her elbow and leans her head on her hand. She lightly taps the pen on her teeth as she thinks. Tyler…I can’t believe I’m facing him again. I have to talk like I can’t stand him…like there is nothing between us. I hope he sees through it. Raine rereads her words. This journaling thing isn’t half bad, why don’t I do this more often?

”I’m facing Tyler McClelland this week and the Gladiator Title is on the line already. I have only faced Tyler once before. I won and got to keep the Collusseum Belt, but it was a fluke. I shouldn’t have actually won…he botched his finisher so I would get the upper hand. It was completely obvious, but he will never admit it. I still don’t understand why he would do that, we were hardly even friends then. I think it’s funny though; now I do consider Tyler somewhat of a friend, and I think he actually might fight for real this week. Why wouldn’t he? This is the Gladdie we’re talking about…and I would probably fight him if he had it. In fact, I HAVE to fight him in order to keep it. I can’t lose this belt. I have worked so hard to get to this level. I had to plow through Crisis, quite another story, and Tyler Russle in order to get to where I am right now.”

Raine shakes her head sadly. I can’t believe there is so much damned confusion in my life. Crisis and Tyler…what the hell is going on? Well, no, I can finally rule Crisis out of the picture. I am sure he’s bitter that I took the Olympic Championship away from him, and then dropped back into the GWA’s fishing pond. He also has a girlfriend, apparently. I never meant anything to him. Actually, I feel a lot better about beating him now! A mischievous grin forms on Raine’s face as she begins to write once more.

”I thought last week would be the hardest week of my life. I was up for the Olympic, the retirement of the Collusseum, and the Gladiator Title. Now I realize that the challenge isn’t in winning the title, it is in proving that you deserve it. This week begins the most difficult time I will ever live through. I Face Tyler, and hopefully an entire tirade of talent after him. All I can do is hope to God that I am worthy. I am no Chris Damm, I cannot defeat everyone. I do not want to hold this belt for one measly week, though. I am better than that; not better than Tyler, but better than that… I don’t know how I am going to pull this off.”

Raine gazes out the window. The only sound in her ears comes from birds chirping in the scattered trees just outside. She is completely alone, other than her natural surroundings. No cars pull up…no one knocks at her door to visit…no one calls on the phone to chat. Raine finds herself in complete solitude with her thoughts and her pen and paper.

”I honestly see myself losing this belt. I don’t feel like I deserve this anyways. If you can’t keep the belt, why would you go after it? Why grasp it in your hands for one blissful week, and then hand it over to the better competitor? The belt means nothing if it’s treated this way. And what happened to giving the champions a week without being forced to defend their belts? It’s like I possess the Collusseum title again, but with higher stature. I am going to be defending this belt every week for a month, if I can hold on to this precious title. I can’t seem to legitimately hold onto anything as of late, though, why should this be any different? I hope Tyler enjoys the belt. He just might deserve it more than I do. I almost hope he takes it this week. Reina will be next…I do not want to face her again.”

Raine shudders as images of Reina’s many vicious attacks run through her head. Mercury’s match, their various tag team matches, the kiss… Raine almost breaks into a cold sweat as she wipes her lips with the back of her hand.

”There are times when I wish Reina would just disappear from my life. She’s one of those chicks that love to start trouble. I am not in the mood for a brawl against her. I no I have something she wants…I am so tempted to treat it like the hottest potato I have ever touched. I don’t think I want this responsibility, and yet it’s something that watered my mouth every time I went to work. All I dreamt of was reaching this point. I am a champion. I am finally the Gladiator Champion. Now it terrifies me…”