THE TRUTH ABOUT BB AND MEI can't sleep and I can't stop thinking.
Of course, it's BB who keeps entering my mind. I really am over him, I don't need him back and things aren't effecting me like they used to. It's just that I miss him and the moments and times we shared.
It's so hard to believe that two people who were as close as that can be just simple acquaintances all at once and it hurts. I'm not only blaming him, it was my fault that he got pushed away from me. I gaveh im more to do than he could handle, but still, it hurts. I miss the friendship we shared. The times I cried on his shoulder, the times that he got pissed off about something and talked to me about it. I'd do anything to get that back, the friendship. i wish it didn't have to end this way, but I've got my pride too. I just can't lower myself anymore for him. How much I want him back as a friend, I can't put myself to do something that would humiliate me. I can't mail him, call or sms him. It doesn't matter how much I want it, I just can't. I can't force myself to do something like that.
The pas remains, he said things to me without showing it. Just as much as the love stays in my heart, that much the pain stays. But how much I despise him for those things, that much I still love him for being a part of my life. I'm left with mixed feelings and finding the balance between those feelings is one of the toughest things I had to deal with so far.
I wish it didnt have to end this way, but it did end and it ended this way. BB and i aren't good friends anymore, we don't share anything anymore except memories, we can't talk anymore. If it wasn't for the memories, I would have an empty feeling every time I think of him. I miss those times, but when I think of him, I feel empty. There's nothingleft. Nothing left to do, nothing left to say, nothing left to share. All there is are the meories and the place he has in my heart. All there is, is the past.
It's like a home that's left by the owners and its stuff. There's nothing lext except and empty house with memories, an empty house with a past.
I meant what I always said to BB, I will always love him and he will never lose his special place in my heart. But in this presence, there is no room for himin my life and no room for me in his life. Right now, we're just two people who know each other, two people who talk once in a while, just two people, two souls, two bodies, two mindd. Seperated in miles, seperated in bodies, seperated in hearts and souls. There're nothing left to do, nothing left to say, nothing left to share.
I am me, one body, one mind, one soul, one heart, one person, my own person...
January 9th 2003
