QUESTIONSA little while ago, I thought I found myself again. I was smiling, laughing and acting crazy for a week and I thought I had found myself again. Only later I had to realize it was far from the truth. I am not myself again and I know not how to be myself.
I am carrying a riddle around in my head, a puzzle of what is truly me.
I have experienced being a lot of things, thinking a lot of things, but which of those forms I showed myself and other people is truly my form?
Is it the shy me? The one who was so afraid of doing something, so afraid to be judged. The one who always looked to others and thinking that she wanted to be them.
Is it the cut loose me? The one who crawled out her shell and didn't think of the consequences, but just had nasty fun. The one who did whatever she wnated, even if it would hurt herself or the people around her.
Is it the thoughtful and emotional me? The one who always thought of others, could always relate with others and give up her own spare time to help the others. The one who was one hundred percent in touch with her feelings and was able to turn every feeling and emotion into beautiful, touching words.
Is it the crazy, laugh loving, joke making me? The one who was always in for a laugh and always in for haning out with friends. The one was so eager to act crazy and crazy things, funny things.
Or, is it the emotionless, careless, whatever will be will be me? The one who can't care less how somebody else feels, who can't relate with how somebody feels and who can't even relate with herself. The one who knows no emotions, has a cold heart and doesn't say "I love you" anymore.
Which of these is truly me? I am having such an identity crisis, how am I? Who am I? What am I like? How do I feel? What am I supposed to do?
I am not a big, big girld in a big, big world right now. I am an undersized girl in an oversized world.
How will I know who I am? I have no clue and I can't seem to figure out how I really am. What is it that I am missing and what is it that I need to get back on track?
March 17th 2004
