PROUDLooking back on a little piece of my life and what I have accomplished so far, I think I can finally say with all my heart: I'm proud of myslef and I'm happy with myself.
I cannot say everything is going ood, because that can never happen in nobody's life. Of course, I still have me downs here and there, but it won't pull me down, not now. I have found my inner peace and I have found my balance.
Through all my tears and my smiles and my breakd-downs and everything I have accomplished something I never thought I could. I discovered myself. For the first time in my life, I have really opened my eys and looked around. I looked at where I was and what I was ding and most important of all, how I was.
In 8 months time, I have crashed and burned, but I recored and I walked on. Not only did I just walk on, I walked on with more knowledge in my backpack. More knowledge about my life.
It has been a very difficult time for me. I cannot say the most difficult time, because hwo knows what can happen in the future. But it was the most difficult time I have dealt with so far.
I have scars, big ones, scars that will haunt me down until I'm so old that I'll forget them, or until the day I will get amnesia *knock on wood*. But I'm happy with those scars. Because those scars remind me of a life I never wnat to live again. It reminds me of the mistakes I have made. It reminds me of the things I have learned. And it reminds me that I can do so much better with my life.
Of course, I have regrets, regrets that I made those scars in the first place. But, if I didn't fall down and crawloed through mud and dirty grass, I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't be proud of myself that I was able to walk away from such a life. I wouldn't be happy with myself for living the life I will now. I wouldn't be appreciated of the good things I can enjoy now. Everyboy should think like that. You shouldn't make scars on purpose, you won't learn anything except that you look stupid. But, if you caught yourself on making scars, stop making them, learn from the scars you already made. Look around, it helps.
If I didn't take the time to stay where I was and looked around I would have never noticed I was in the wrong place. Look good, relaly good, becauset hose wrong places can be very deceiving, they look good, it looks like there seems nothing wrong, but look again and you'll see.
What happened in the past can't just disappera, it won't, but the good thing of past mistakes is that you can change it in the future. And right now, I'm changing it.
In the past I was not proud of myself at all. Not da day went by where I didn't stand in front fo the mirror and looked down at myself. That changed, beause now when I look in themirro, I smile. I smile, because I know that I can change, I know that I have changed a lot of things, a great deal of what I did wrong. The sun is always shining, we just have to see it.
I am not sure when I will get my next breakdown or next depression or other things. I do know that right now, I'm doing fine, I'm happy with myself and I'm proud of myself, and this is a feeling I won't let go, at least not for a whole while.
September 11th 2003
