PARENTAL TRUST

During my journey through life I discovered a very important, but also very painful feeling; losing the trust my parents had in me.
Ever since my rebellious period drastic changes took place, changes which at first don’t look all that bad, but eventually will haunt you for the rest if your life.
Trust is something that takes to build up, but it can be broken at one snap of the fingers. There is only one trust that starts that doesn’t have to be build up, but a trust that is so natural. It is the trust that parents have in you from the day you were born. A lot of people, so often, take the trust of their parents for granted. They do not realize that even though the trust was there ever since the day they were born that it can still break. For such a long time, I took it for granted. I didn’t think of the painful fact that my parents could lose their trust in me.
During my rebellious period I used and abused my parents’ trust. I led to them, without, at that time, any guilt. I took their trust for granted. Hardly did I know that what I was doing, would have a really big and life long lasting impact on me. Little did I know that I those consequences were fatal to my well being.
The time came when my parents couldn’t take it anymore and they just lost trust. I could do everything I wanted, they couldn’t forbid me to do things anymore. I was, at least I though, a free girl. Meanwhile, while I was partying, chilling, polluting my body, my parents sat at home, crying in their hearts and almost stopped caring.
I didn’t see it then, I didn’t see that they actually lost trust. I didn’t see that they were hurt. Most of all, I didn’t see that one day I would break down as a consequence of my doings.
The period of punishment came, I had to pay for all that I have done. It was so hard for me to face everything that I have done, but the worst was that I had to face it alone. My parents left me, emotionally. Just when I needed their trust and support the most, they just couldn’t give it, even if they wanted to.
While I was struggling to bring myself back, to clean my conscience, to find peace of min, I fell down so often because my parents weren’t there to support and trust me. It was very hard getting through it without them. Eventually, I got through it, but I was still left with one big regret. I regretted it so much that I drew the line so far that my parents just couldn’t trust me anymore. I realized that without their trust, burdens that would fall upon me could crush me in an instance, because they weren’t there to support me. They weren’t there to show me the trust that I can do it. After realizing what I have caused, what I have done, to my parents and me, I tried to change.
Months and months I tried to do things and show my parents that I have changed, that they can trust me again.
The trust of your parents are there from the beginning, it takes a lot to break it. One it is broken though, it take a lot more to get it back. I have been through it and I’m still going through it.
After months, my parents and I hardly ever argue anymore, I stopped lying to them. We’re really supporting each other now and there is more love than there ever was.
It seems as if everything is okay again, but what happened can’t ever really be okay again. For the rest of their lives, my parents will keep in the back of their mind what happened and what I did to them and us. The hard part is over, they found the trust in me again, but it wont ever get back for a 100%. I created a struggle that will go on for the rest of my life. I feel so blessed to have these parents. They have lost trust in me for a while, but they never rejected me. They never kicked me out the house. Eventually, no matter what I have done, when I’m lost, in trouble, depressed, they are there for me, to support me through my struggles in life.
If there is one thing that I will never do for the rest of my life again anymore, is to give my parents any reason not to trust me anymore.

February 16th 2004