OPENING MY HEART ONCE AGAINHere I am again, my first sleepless night since weeks. What is in my head now?
In the last couple of weeks I’ve been living carefree, I had almost nothing to worry about, at least I thought so, but that thought has changed just this evening.
After having a lot of serious talks with friends of mine who were in trouble, or let’s say, feeling sad, I started thinking about myself too. And maybe, things are not going for me as I thought they were. Why else would I have a sleepless night, while I’m tired?
I always say life works in opposite ways; you want something bad, you can’t get it, you don’t need it, suddenly it comes knocking on your doorstep. I’m experiencing something like that too. Just until a couple of months ago, I really missed having a boyfriend and I really wanted one again, it didn’t happen. I fell in love two times in the last year, both without result. Suddenly, now, I keep being confronted with love. Not in the sense that somebody likes me or is in love with me, at least not within my knowledge, but through “signs”. I keep having these conversations about love, even in church today the sermon was about love, having a partner and that without people we feel miserable. I have been telling myself that I don’t need or even can’t have a boyfriend, because of my busy life coming up, I don’t have time for it. And, if there is something I have learned is that I always need to have time for myself, if not, I will break down once again, and I don’t want that to happen. I know how that feels and it’s a feeling I don’t want to go through again, not this soon. I’m not ready for a relationship, I feel it. I’m not ready to fall in love again, because my heart hasn’t fully recovered itself yet to be broken once again.
I am in a whole recovering period, recovering from my past, with this my heart has to recover a whole lot. It has to recover heartbreak, has to recover loss, has to clean itself from dirt and many more. I’m a lot of steps forward, but not enough. But why, why am I confronted with love so much all of a sudden? Is there something in front of me that I can’t see? Am I missing signs? Is something going to happen?
Maybe, it’s because I have to try to open myself for love again, love in any kind of way. Because, truth to be told, I’ve been trying to close myself from love, because it has hurt me so much, in so many ways, in so many forms.
I always used to stand for love, I always was the one who said, open yourself up, love is the greatest of all and maybe, just maybe, all these signs are signs to let me know that I am the one now to take my advice. I am the one now to learn to open myself up for love again, because I couldn’t anymore and I don’t know if I can now.
It all has to do with that fear and that fear has grown from my past. I have done so many things to myself, I have been through so many things, that I’m just petrified for what can happen to me now and because of that, I start to hide.
I am changing for the better, but some things change with it. Things that weren’t supposed to change, because they’re a part of me. With my changes, my ability to write changed, my ideas changed and those are the things that should remain as how they once were. Because of the fact that I started to close my heart, nothing could come in, but in the meantime, nothing could come out either. So, every time I wanted to write it couldn’t flow out of me, because I was closed, my heart was out of business.
I don’t know if I can open my heart again for visitors or even maybe future inhabitants, but I know that I have to open my heart for the outlet, so that I can keep continuing what I loved doing most, pouring my heart out to the fullest. That one thing that could calm me down when nobody was around. That one thing that could help other people with their problems. That one thing that became my passion...
October 6th 2003
