NO HAPPINESS AT ALL

I don’t want this no more.
I don’t want to ask him anymore to meet me and I don’t want to hope every single evening that he’s going to call me. I don’t want to miss him anymore.
I couldn’t get him out of my mind and especially heart the whole day. I think about him so much, but does he even think of me, even just a couple of minutes a week.
Why does he feel this, why does it seem that he doesn’t even care a little bit, while I cry my heart out. Why doesn’t he even want to talk to me? Why doesn’t he show he cares, while I want to pick up the phone every single day and hear his voice? Someone once said: “Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.” I feel exactly that way. I know he doesn’t miss me, because missing him still hurts, I still feel the pain. I wish this would all just end. I wish I didn’t have to feel this way. I wish the pain would just go away. I wish the tears would stop sucking the life out of me. I want to write him a letter, I want to tell him how I feel, but I think it would only hurt me. But still I just want to write, like I write to myself and tell every single thing and send it to him, but I already promised that I wouldn’t do that anymore, I think. * SIGH * All I feel now is pain, only pain. I don’t feel any happiness when I think of him, no happiness when I think about our so called friendship. All I feel when I think about him is anger, sadness and pain.
Anger for all the empty, meaningless things he said to me.
Sadness for how much I miss him.
And pain for the love I feel for him.
Why do I have to torture and kill myself for someone who isn’t even bothered by the fact that he doesn’t see me and hardly speaks to me?
I hate all this. I can’t stand him for all the empty things he said to me. He told me all those nice stuff, but did he feel something when he said it? Did he mean it?
I wish he never promised me that he would often call me and we would still meet up, because he sure as heel never kept those promises. And with that he hurt me more than anyone ever could.
He stabbed me in the heart, didn’t even notice and just walked away like he didn’t care. He left me dying, while he promised to never leave me alone.
He did leave me alone, he never called unless I forced him, he never has the time to see me and he hardly ever talks with me.
You should have never told me I was important to you and you care for me, because you don’t even mean it. It’s nice to hear, but only saying it does make it worse if you don’t show it. You never showed it to me, BB. Don’t ever tell me stuff if you don’t even feel it and mean it.
I was hurt, left alone and now I’m crying and falling apart and the only thing that can help is miles away from my body, mind and soul. 23:30 I’ve been thinking about it again the whole time. It’s killing me. I just want to write him a long letter, a real letter, all my feelings poured out and send it to him. I know it won’t have any use, but I’m that kind of person who can’t keep her feelings to herself and if I just write him without even getting a response, I will be a little bit better, because I poured my heart. I have to get advice about it though, I don’t want to act too impulsively. Every time I did that, it only worked against me.
I don’t want to call him nor e-mail him or talk through msn about it, because writing a letter is much easier for me. I can tell my feelings better than when I type or talk.
He called me today, miracles do happen. I was acting so stupid to him. I don’t know why I do that, but somehow it’s easier for me that way. If I hate him, I don’t have to feel sadness.
I think I’m going to write him that letter tonight. Every time when I want to write, I write a little more until I’m done and ready to send. I’m a very confused girl right now, but I’m that kind of girl who solves everything through talking of feelings. So I’m going to write him that letter, I can do it.

November 15th 2002