MY FIGHTThat's it, I'm in a depression again. How can I after everything I've discovered about being happy. Well, I guess I was just too happy again. i was ignoring everything againand now it's facing me. For tonight, I can't deal with it.
I was just about to accept my feelings about BB and that I can't do anything about it. And I was just starting to forget and have patience about the whole "it was not time yet" theroy. Suddenly, BB messed up my mind once again. He told me that he wanted to call his girlfriend, but coincidentally he dialled my number. Hmmm...coincidence, isn't that a matter I already wrote about? The most coincidental about this all is that in the last couple of months he called me two or three times and he probably calls her almost every day. How coincident. And because of this coincidence I start thinking again. Maybe it's a sign and that sort of stuff.
The day afer this happening he started asking me questions concerning sexual things. He's done it before, but this time there was nothing jokey about it. Which messed up my mind more. This boy has a girlfriend whom he claims to love. Than why does he bugs me with this sutff?
You know, I was just wondering how I can fight this feeling. But then I realized that the toughest fight you can fight is the fight againts yourself. This is what it is. A fight against myself, my own mind. I've got fight my mind and my heart thinking about this. Right now, I can't, I just simply can't. Right now, how hard it is to admit, I'm weak. Weak because I still have a weak spot for him which he triggered for me. I know he's not worth it, he's a no good right now, but I can't stop feeling. Love did not make me blind, I just made myself foolish. But I don't want this anymore, right now. I don't want this kind of love right now. The pain oflove just hurt me too much, simply too much, just enough. Just enough for me to close the door of my heart and say: do not enter. Right now I don't feel like feeling that sort of love. Trying to gith the battle with my mind, my heart got injured and I don't know when it will heal again.
March 24th 2003
