IN THE TRAIN

I'm in the train now, on my way to MS. I have no music, so I can think a lot.
I've told myself last year never to use words like always, forever and perfect, that kind of stuff. I did it anyway with BB and I only fooled myself. I think you can only use those kind of words when you're already married.
For now, as much as i don't believe in the word perfect I don't believe in always and forever too.
I hope I have the guts to send BB that letter I wrote. I can only irritate him more with that, but it doesn't matter anyway, because I hardly speak or see him now anyway. It's just so he knows how I really feel and that I'm not doing okay, like I always tell him. It's so I can pour my heart and feel relieved at the end.

I'm in the train back now.
Walking in Hoorn only brings back memories. Places where I've been with BB, things we've done. It actually hurts being there. i saw his parents today, I liked that. I actually miss them too. But one way or another i didn't really miss BB today. Maybe because I washaving fun. But I miss him again now. I just want to send him that letter. I don't have a lot of doubts about sending it anymore, because nothing will change. He won't call me more or less. He can't call me less, because he hardly ever call sme now. And he can't see me less, becayse I never see him now. I see his parents more often than I see him.
I don't know why I waste so much precious time on him. He's not even worth it right now. He's acting like a motherfucking son of a bitch.

November 16th 2002