IN DARKNESS I SITI hate these ights. Nights where I can't sleep, can't stop thinking, nights where I feel so weird.
Nights were it seems like there are no stars in the sky, just dark, purple, grey clouds. I see no moon, no single light, just darkness. Pure darkness.
What am I going to do? Last week,e verthing seemed so clear, I knew exactly what I was heading for, I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish on the end of my path. Right now, it's all fading, not further away, but just fading. Its like, when I finally get to the end, there's nothing waiting for me there, it's all emoty. It's like I'm doing this all for nothing.
Why am I going through this? I don't want it, I banned depression out of my mind, body, heart and soul. But maybe this is all just a part of the path, a section of the path, an obstacle I have to conquer. No matter how I feel right now, I know one thing, I can overcome it. But the question remains: Will I see what I want at the end of this path? I do hope so.
There are two things bothering me, the same things as a month ago, BB and the boy I like.
I really need to talk things out with BB, I need to. 'But it's so hard getting through to him, because he can't seem to find the time to do it, while he says he wants to. But I really need it, because I know I have to get this closure or else I cant move on. It's bothering me so much. I'm reaching and reaching, but it seems to move farther away. I'm standing in the rainy dark field waiting for the light, waiting for him to talk so that I can finally move form my spot and walk to the sun.
Closures are needed, but this has to come form both sides and this can't wait too long. I'm reaching, I'm waiting and without wanting it, I'm hoping.
And about the boy I like, something inside me is saying that I shoudl leave it. And something else keeps telling me that I didn't even really do something. I don't know what to do, because i don't know, can't sense if he likes me too. I'm so afraid for a rejection. Why? I always talk about taking risks, why can't I do it? I don't want to mess things up. What if he doesn't like me? He will probably avoid me and I don't want that. What do I got to do? SHall I jump nto this hole righ tnext to me and see where I land ot shall I just wlak away and act like nothing's going on? I don't know anymore. All I know is that it's all fading in front of my eyes. I don't know where this path is leading me to, I don't know what its plansare.
Here, in a dark corner, one light, my pen and paper, I sit. Here in a dark corner I think. Here in a dark corner is me, not knowing where to go, what to do, totally lost...
All these sounds I hear around me and where am I? I don't know, I'm lost...
January 31st 2003
