FEAR FOR LOVEI couldn’t pour my heart out for a long time, because my mind was way too messed up. It actually still is, but there are so many things in my heart that I just have to write.
Everytime when friends came to me with the problem of being afraid for feelings, showing them, entering a relationship, I always said: Don’t be afraid. Little did I know how it was to be scared. Well, now I know. After my history with boys I noticed that I was always the one who loved last, always the one to get hurt, the one who got played. The eye opener to this all is Benjamin. I have loved that boy so much, I still can’t explain. But inspite of what I felt I still got played around with, got hurt. Maybe it wasn’t on purpose, but the pain remains the same.
I’m experiencing fear now. The fear for love, fear for relationships, feelings, people. It’s so hard to think that I don’t have to be afraid.
There are so many things why I’m scared. The biggest factor is fear of getting hurt. The pain I stood up with the last six months was unbelievable, I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Of course, hurt is a part of love, I shouldn’t be afraid because of this. Well, that’s why they call it fear I guess.
Another thing is hurting the other person. I know how it is to get hurt and I don’t want to get into a relationship thinking I’m in love only to find out after a while it was false, meanwhile, the other person is truly in love with me.
Another things is, who can I trust? Who can I share my heart with, pour my heart out to, run for support, ask for romance. Who is really worthy these days?
There are so many more fears. I guess I understand now why people are afraid. One piece of advice to those people. If you really feel fear, stop, go to the inside, get to know yourself better, straighten everything, take some time for yourself first. When you’re ready, you’ll know and when you know, you’ll move full steam ahead.
Remember, when there’s a doubt, there’s a big no.
May 5th 2003
