FEAR FOR LOSING FEAR FOR CARINGEver was afraid for people leaving you? Afraid that you care for them so much and they don’t even care for you just a little bit? I was. Living on your own is something you have to know to do, but you need the company. When I care for someone I want them to be around me, just because. Not for me to lean on them, not to be proud of how many people I know, but just because, just because I care for them. The fear of losing those pople is painful. The moment you care for someone, they have a place in your heart. When they leave, it feels like that part is dying. Because of that fear I tend to hold those people stronger than I should which makes them want to escape. If you love someone let them go if they come back they’re truly yours, once said by someone and it’s really true. This is not only about lovers, but about everyone you love.
It looks like I’m changing my mind about what I wrote earlier about cherishing and holding on, but I’m not.
Cherishing is showing you care for someone, not losing someone because of your own lack of caring and paying attention. What I described then is looking the other way or not minding what they do. What I’m desrcibing now is holding too tightly, putting your eyes on them literally, not giving them any space, prisoning them. When you do that they’d rather run away than stay, despite of how much they love you. At this point you got to realize that you have to let them go, to give them some space so that they can find their way back to you. I have experienced the fear of losing someone, because of me. But I realized this, what I just explained, after a lot of thinking.
Another great fear of mine was me caring a lot for people, trying hard to show it and them not even caring for me, at least, not showing it. But I was thinking like a little, dumb girl. I always used to think everything had to go my way, meaning, if I show I care for someone by calling everyday they should show it to me in that way too. How could I think that way. I should’ve known that everybody has their own ways of showing they care. Caring was, is and always will be an act of the heart. It doesn’t necesarrily have to be shown in words or deeds, it has to be felt. When somebody says it, it has to be felt. When somebody does something, it has to be felt. Of course, you have to say it or do something to let people know you care for them, but it’s not about what and how you do it, it’s about that you do it. Just like the old saying: It’s the thought that counts and it does.
These are two fears that shouldn’t be felt. Two fears I don’t feel anymore. Two fears I know we can fight.
March 3rd 2003
