CHANGING THE FUTUREThe beuaty of past expereinces and lessons is that we can apply them in our future You can't change what happened in the past, but you can make a change in your future.
Yesterday was the first time in my life I actually applied a past lesson into my future, or better yet, present.
I had this awful and painful routine in my life. Everytime my boyfriends broke up with me they said things to me and made promises they eventually didn't keep. Being the naive-hopelssly-in-love-girl I was, I kept going after them. Not to have them back as a boyfriend, but to try to keep the friends we had. The friendship that they, as they've said, didn't want to lose. Every time it happened it took me months to realize that it didn't work and I should just give up. By that time I was hurt so much and so hard without it being necessary. Let's face it, that I got hurt so much, was not their fault. I was the one who didn't see the stop signals and still kept going. No wonder I got hit by bycicles, cars and trucks.
In this new expereince I'm experiencing, I'm doing, ir did, things very differently. I have learned that: if you don't your routine, break it!
Not longer than a week ago my ex-boyfriend broke up. Of course he said he wanted more time for himself. And, of course he told me I'm still special, he still loves me and he wants to keep contact.
First things first, apparently he is dating someone else, so, once again; I have been lied to!
Second: from dayone I have already noticed that he acted differently, but once again; I tried. Since day two I couldn't use intenet and after two days not going on line, he still didn't call or send me a hpone message of how I was doing. That sort of already showed that he doesn't care. The third day I decided to call him. After getting the busy signal I sent him a message, he didn't respond, he turned off his phone. After he turned it on I called again, twice, and he didn't pick up.
That was the moment I realized that I was doing too much and he doesn't want it. I knew what was going to happen. Once I could contact him I would nag about what's happening, he would apologize, act normal and after a while it would happen all over again. As a result, I will get hurt again.
That's one thing I don't want to experience anymore. The only thing I can do to prevent it is to get him out of my life. Any form of contact can harm. So, I decided to send him a message telling that I don't want this and goodbye.
This is when the cleaning process began. I erased very picture, file, anything that has to do with him from my computer. I threw away stuff. I agreed with my family and best friend that from then on we won't mention him anymore and we have never known this guy.
Today I burned his letter.
At first it may look like anger, hate, vengeance, but this time things are different. This time it is because I don't want to hurt myself anymore. The best way to do that is to pretend as if 'us' never happened.
Of course, memories are in my head, but they won't live long there. I realized something else. I haven't shed a single tar since that day and it was as easy as dropping a coin on the floor to get rid of the stuff. Even during the cleaning process, I haven't shed a single tear.
I always cry, so it can mean two things.
1) We are meant to be and come back together.
2) I haven't loved him as much as I thought.
Let's face reality, it can't be option number one. So it has to be two.
It was a very impulsive and drastic thing to do, but in this situation and with my fragile body and heart, it was the only thing to do.
I didn't like my routing, so I broke it. Goodbye...
February 11th 2004
