A B LACK GAPWhen friends used to tell me about how it feels to have a blackout, I laughed at them not knowing how it felt. By that time I wasn't struck by "amnesia" yet after an evening of heavy drinking.
Then one night it happened, I got a blackout. The first few days after that were the worst. I tried and I tried, but I just couldn't see what happened. All I saw was a big, black gap. Right then and there I knew how it felt. Tears were rolling down my eyes as I was drowning in shame, guilt and especially fear. There is nothing more frightening than being lost in a black hole. And the greatest fear of that is 'not knowing'. Not knowning what happened, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to memorize.
After a week though I calmed down, thinking I would get the memory of
that evening back, but it didn't happen.
Now, months later I'm still haunted by that evening. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. And everytime I see that blakc gap projecting itself to me, I feel myself drowning in that shame, guilt and fear again.
How ironically though. Theone thing that was expected to be my biggest regret turned out to be my breakthrough. It turned out to be the one thing that let me escape that life and start a new, clean one.
No longer am I drowning in shame, guilt and fear anymore, but swimming in clear water, holding my head high.
September 4th 2003
