Autobiography

Feelings of a child

I am going to explain the feelings I had when I was a child and how emotional it was, from the day I fell in love and the day of sadness. The journey of my autobiography starts off with my thoughts and my emotional days and my sadness.

My days are more confusing than ever before. Old days were glistening and happier but now I have an empty part that needs to be filled. Recently I find myself looking for that entity of something. I look to my past and find it was always a part of me. The only clues that I can get were from the past events of my life. It was about 10 years ago and it was a girl that I knew in primary school. Her name is, well let's call her Cinderella. She was a fantasy come true because she was all I wanted from the world. She had the face of an angel and a heart of gold. Her eyes had the look of the stars that glow in the dark. Day by day I looked on without saying a word to her, it was a secret talk. When I did get to know her I still stayed silent with a secret, without telling her how I felt. I needed to open up to her, to show her my soul. Years went on and time made it harder than ever. The secret was like a rock that grew harder. Feeling deeper as the sea, I swam up to moonlight where it shines bright like the sun. Getting as hot as the sun, I came up to her and said, "would you go out with me", that very moment the sky went dark and a strong wind put out the flames from my fire. That moment a friend interrupted me. My compressed rage and anger from not telling her how I felt was forced on to my friend. I give him world war three. From that day on I have never told my friend about that rage or why I did such a thing. I lost a friend because of my actions. I wonder how he must feel and how confused he must be from the event. From that day I have not said a thing about my feelings to anyone because I would not want the same event to happen again. If I do try to say something I would just hide like a tortoise in its shell and stay like that until danger passed.

The same story happened in my secondary school Kingsdale. The school was not the best, but meeting friends wasn't bad, well sometimes. I still talk to some of my friends from my secondary school because we have bonded as good mates. The problem in my secondary school was about a girl; I just could not say how I felt about her. She was my dream and I hid my feeling under the carpet, just like I had before. Every night I slept with my eyes open because I was thinking too much. I asked my self what I was thinking about? Me, I guess, trying to find out what I really want from life, still confused for 14 years. I did not pursue what I wanted for myself. I didn't say a word when she was about to leave secondary school. I mentally kicked myself for not getting the confidence to say something to her, it was already too late. She was gone. During that time in the emptiness I always tried to make other people feel cheerful. That's why I'm so funny. I have always adjusted to other peoples lives and not my own. I think the reason I did that is so no one could get close to me and find out the truth. I'm a lonely star in the sky, needing help to shine in the dark alleyways only to be spotted in the millions of stars. I have always put my comedy side in front of myself to block the other emotions. I still do that today. The question I ask myself is why? So many chances to do what I felt but didn't. Late nights in my room I would gaze up to the stars and think how, what and why I tortured myself. I always get less sleep trying to find the answer.

Coming up to my 14th birthday my dad passed away. My dad was a rock hard person with a soft inside and a funny way of expressing his feelings. My dad died from cancer. I was not certain of the symptoms of the cancer but I knew it would change the life of the family. My family spent long days together, spending each day with my dad. What we all knew was that he didn't have long but never spoke of it, too afraid of the true feelings. We all knew the time left had to be good, it's too valuable to waste. Each moment was as good as the other. Judgement day was inevitable for my dad and when judgement day came, it was the same day for all of us. My dad died at the hospital, with his entire family beside him. It was the saddest, darkest, emotional and tormenting day of my life.

Somewhere I hear that you should always remember the way someone lived and not the way they died. Well I never got the chance to know how my dad lived. That is why you should always get to know who they are or that time in your life may some how disappear forever, and you'll never get the chance again. I fell deep in to my thoughts when my dad died. I couldn't make out what they were. Each thought had its own mind. It's like two mirrors put together reflecting the same image over again. I didn't know how my family felt. My family needed my support and I just gave them my feelings. For the first time in my life I opened up, sharing my feelings about our father. We talked about what he did and how he did it. It was like King Arthur's roundtable where the knights where united. Now I look back through the mist of my life and see that my dad was right. My dad and I were never on the same level. I didn't hate him but never understood why he did things, but now I know my father had his heart in the right place but I couldn't see it.

I never knew how much my dad loved us but this event told me, this is the first time I have ever told anyone this. I was asleep dreaming I had accidentally shouted out loud for some reason as if I was in danger. Being half awake I heard my dad running to my room to see what had happened. He busted in the room like superman and checked on us, me and my brother. The next morning my mum told us at the dinner table what had happened last night. She said my Dad was very scared and said that his heart was beating fast. My Mum wanted to know who shouted. I didn't say a word about the event. Why? I guess I would get in trouble with my dad. That event showed me that my dad always had the best intention for the family. From that day on until now I had never thought about it. I now know how much he loved and cared for us because the little thing my dad did had a little hidden message. Funny how the past can help people see clearly. I never said, "I love you". Now it's too late. Now I have regrets. That regrets will stay like a stain that can't be cleaned. You'll never know how much you miss someone until they are really gone for good. It just tells you how much we know about life. A second chance comes rarely in life. From the days passing without my dad I think it made my family stronger than steel. We talked more and chatted more. We had something invisible but we could feel it. From this day I hadn't asked how my mum felt about this, as I was just too terrified of the answers. It could change the way in which I think how my mum felt about my dad passing. Sometime the truth you know is all you want to know even if it is not the truth that you want to hear. Days went on endlessly and passed as usual as if nothing had happened. I think we all had to deal with the death by ourselves as well. I never did get over the death of my father because it's not something to pass off like unforgiving rubbish. I think I learnt to live with the pain to remind me that someone was always there for me.

What I have experienced in my life is no different from other people's lives. I think every one has experienced sadness and love. My childhood may be different from other peoples but the emotion is the same for anyone else. My heart is feeling something that everyone wants: love for another soul. If a family member dies they don't die because you still remember he or she. I have learnt that the word 'death' has more meaning than it says in the dictionary. I think I live a very normal life. To experience emotion is to have a soul. I have convinced myself that the life I live is normal but it is too hard to expect life to be like a jigsaw puzzle. There is always a missing piece in the box. This autobiography is dedicated to Mr.C Vuong

*HOPE FOR LOVE*

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Story of destiny and fate. THIS STORY IS TO GIRL WHO I MET ON THE NET...SHEENA YOU BEEN GREAT TO ME....THANK YOU

Many people believe in destiny and fate but most people don't end up with the conclusion they have.

We start of with a young lady who is in search of Mr Right. Rose who's lonely inside yet is happy on the outside, her beauty is a cruse to her and people will not see how her walls have fallen in side her mind. So many men has hurt her young soul and wounded her for life, she has only one wish to find her destiny and end her torment. Disappointment is what she used to, never again has she believed that hope is near by but just disappointment.

"Men” Rose cried out with anger. She hopelessly looks out towards the night sky to finding her lonely star. A tear runs down full with emotions and despair, the tear run along her beauty and finally lands near a flower which was once from her former lover as she thought. As innocent and trusting she is, is a weakness to her and advantage to user and players. Her belief in the world is melting away by hurter’s and soon there won't be a candle to light and her flame of entity end with a heart broke.

As the night comes to an end her sleepless days continue and she wakes with the words "I will find you" with a soft voice that only an angel could hear. It is a new start to the day and her. She goes about her day selling flower to lovers. Just the sight of love makes her feel that life has more to offer and someday that she could be on the receiving end of that flower. She works throughout the day until she sold all her flowers, knowing they would bring happiness to others that she never had. She returns home alone again, with the same empty house wonder when it could be complete. Rose thinks to her self, "all alone…isn't there anybody can do for me". She look out toward the window and notice the world is full of souls and knows destiny is out there, all of sudden a stranger in a black cape walks past and looks up, she wondered who that stranger was and why was he smiling at her when he emerged from no where. The stranger walks past and leaving Rose smiling. She had almost for gotten how to smile, it in been so long, she felt that an old friend has returned to her.

Rose slept like Cinderella but only to awake alone, the stranger still lingered in her head. The smile open new doors to her eyes, she saw far more then before. First times in days her heart has beaten so freely and alive, "NO!" she said with a deep voice "No I cant be” repeating the word in her head. She couldn't believe that she was falling in love again, that doubting mind appeared. She was afraid of getting hurt again and this might possibly take the last of her essence. "I shouldn’t feel this way! I just cant...I don’t what to no more" Rose pleads her with mind and heart not to think that way but deep down inside she cant help it. Her desirer to love is far more stronger then her will. She ran to the window to take in fresh air to bring her mind back to reality...deep in the shadow her mind is in. Still the filled with hope and love she only wish’s for the best. That day she didn’t work feeling that if she stays at the window she might see him again and return the smile that he sent Rose. Soon the sun fell asleep and the night awakens, there was still no sign of him. Rose began to think why she was waiting at the window, she seem so desperate. “Being alone so much…makes me lonely” she said to her self softly. With a small gust around her and moonlight sharing her beauty, a tear runs down her cheek settling on her chin, soon more followed ending with one immense tear at the bottom of her chin. It soon fell and with it full of sorrow. She look down and saw the stranger at her door with his hand out.

Retreating from the window, she hurries to the door. Almost out of breath she opens the door, a young man in a black cape looks up and with his hand out he speaks for the first time. “I’m returning your tear back to you…(He opens his hands gently) because this tear should be your last” he smiles at Rose again. The hand moved towards Rose and she opened her hand to receive the tear she hoped not to see anymore. That very first touch fell like the centre of the universe and Stars dancing around them, each million star show their beauty. Rose’s heart beats faster knowing this guy has something different about him. She remained silent; it was all whispers in the air. Rose was over whelmed with love and lust, the young stranger name was R.J, and he didn’t give out his full name. A mystery he is but only to Rose’s eyes. She didn’t care about the facts; her heart said it all. Meaningfully gazing at each other they saw their soul reflecting off each other’s eyes, the mystery disappeared and she felt like she knew him since the binning of the world. That night never ended and rose and R.J spoke till the day they died. Even the last words echo through the ages and their love never died when they died…happily ever after.

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THIS IS A POEM FROM MY HREAT

Will you see? Feeling I need to run, trying to hide from my shadows of pain.

Knowing the dark will fall a upon me. But you wouldn’t know!

Bright nights will come and bury me.

Home is where my pain is, never looking face to face with pain, I fear.

See there is light on my shadow I look at towards pain.

The blind eye sees all. I don’t want to see the truth of my life.

Think that I won’t wake up so I fell fast asleep. But you wouldn’t know!

Strange hope gives me sight at light, clear thinking over blind eye.

Crying from the soul, but you wouldn’t know!

Hear my silent cry of loud portions, but you wouldn’t know!

Pain has a mask of trust. But you wouldn’t know! The all-seeing blind eye.

I fooled you. You thought I was happy with life, trying hard with love, pain it became a friend. But you wouldn’t know!

Copy my life to black and white, you wouldn’t know the different.

Life has challenge me, I didn’t accept the challenge.

Why feel sorry for me now?

Fooling you wasn’t hard. Just keeping it up wasn’t easy but I tried and I won.

Winning something for the first time.

I won the pain of knowing the truth of my life.

But you wouldn’t know!

When the world turns, I run in the opposite direction.

But you wouldn’t know!

Do I live to die or just to forget that life exist?

The real world hides and I count to 10 and found you at 9.

Your thinking where number 10 went, well life never did end for me.

But when I do finish counting, well you wouldn’t know!

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