<xmp> <body> </xmp> Payne's Diary - from '01 til this time '02 (1) My first... - 12/20/2001 This is my first diary. Everyone, wish me luck! I am a 15 yr. old guy from gulfport, mississsippi. I will hopefully get pictures up and stuff soon. I can't wait until christmas! (this is my first entry, so bear with me.. the entries after this one will be longer and more in-depth). Thanx! (2) But... - 12/24/2001 When I look at Stephanie I can't look away. She is so beautiful, I can't control my feelings. I think she likes me too. I also admire the glances from another girl. I have much in common with Monica, she and I would be highlĄ compatible. I also like Rachel's personalitĄ. But.... I fear rejection. (3) Add pics! - 12/24/2001 Change all { and } to < and > Make a website (angelfire.com or geocities.com is a good start) and upload your image to the website. Put this code into the "change diary description" box - {center}{img src="url of image"}{/center} Better example shown HERE If the image will not show try resource B, make a website and put your image on it, then add a link to that website in your diary.... to add a link - {a href="url of page"}text to click here{/a} Thanx! (4) Escape - 12/24/2001 Some days I wish that I could escape from myself. Run away and never return. Free. I could escape from stress. No more hatred. I would be released. But, release has its mislead benefits. I would be lonely. I would be cold. I would be alone. I would be... as I am now. (5) Still I keep away... - 12/24/2001 Even though I feel unwanted, still I keep away. Even though I feel like a dot in a vast nothingness of dots, I keep away. They call me, they drive me to them, screaming release. They move in crazy bolts of lightning signaling to me that I need them to feel pure... Alcohol and drugs lead to death. But... so does life. Still, I keep away (6) I don't worry... - 12/24/2001 I never worry, I fear. I fear that the worries will entrap me, drown me. I've already been engulfed by emotions from change. Change brings me to pain. Change brings me to pleasure. Change brings me to love. I don't worry about change, I fear it. I look at change as a happinstance. A happinstance that hurts. I never worry, there is no need to worry. Worrying doesn't help, worry is an infinite meloncholy depression. Never will I fall into the arms of worry. I choose to fear. I choose to wish, no - I choose to hope. Hope for the next to be as good as the last. I never worry. (7) Read This!!! - 12/31/2001

Today I feel like money. Withered, torn, used. Like chewed gum stuck to the sole of a tired shoe. Money. Beaten, ripped, worn out. Stuck inside the process. A society of liars, scandals, and trickery. Peel me off, let the shoe rest. Each day I feel like money. Held to others. Used for what they need. Others always want of me. Annoyance. Money is what I have become. No - what I have been and always will be. Tossed around from hand to hand. Talked about day by day. CONTROLLED. Bound to the pocket of hate. Eyes of deciet. Stop looking. Stop watching me. Tomorrow I will feel like money as I have yesterday and the day which I write in. Money feels no love. I love a love which loves itself. Every day without her I die. I have died inside 365 times. I would like to be killed NOW than die inside ONCE MORE. With her I would be crisp, new, fresh-print. With her I would feel like an uncut, unprocessed, unbeaten dollar bill.

~PAYNE RAINS~ (8) ~Last Week~ - 12/31/2001 This last week I could do nothing but think of the beginning of school. I miss my friends (especially the girls, whom I mainly concentrate my studies on, hehe); and I will finally have easy classes. Last semester was a Bitch. Finally, no more English Honors or Geometry. Now 9th grade will be a breeze. I was going to get my driver's permit this month, but I have to have some stupid papers from school, so I have to wait until January first to be able to drive. Then it's only 6 months and I will have a license. Pity though... I don't have a car. And to get a car I must get a job, but.. to get to the job I must have a car. Dammit, I guess I'll just walk, I need the exercise. A very fine girl will be in my Technology Discovery class this semester. We talked today. She sat on my desk in the eigth grade with all the other kids in class looking and well.. I'll just say it was quite pleasant. That's why I cannot wait for school! But... riding the bus sucks bin laden ass, I hate riding in the stupid bus with its Duct-taped seats and big fat nasty driver. So I sit back in the back and chill w/ my cd player around all the highschool thugz in my city. That's where I feel most comfortable. Me, a caucaisian boy w/ 7 years of private school... feeling comfortable chillin' w/ some of what society has named "the opposing culture". Well, that's a whole other entry.. I'll have to write it tomorrow. My eyelids are telling me that today has came to an end. Oh, and for the guy that posted I was gay, no - I am not homosexual or homophobic for that matter, but - you must not open to your emotions. Think of it this way, you probably wonder why you have no girlfriend, am I right? Mind your attitude. People DO care about the way you treat people. All people care, even if they do not say it to your face. Thanx :-) (9) Overview part 1 - 1/1/2002 Well, I was in a private school.. But - I was not the "preppy" type. I chose seclusion at a young age. I loved to be by myself and girls titled me as "the shy one" which gained me many glances. When it comes to the guys,(from a preppy atmosphere) some are nice and others are not. Money goes to the head like a puff from a lit cigarette. Even the nice ones are sly and choose to brag. I didn't go on many field trips, I wasn't the "rich" kid. I didn't want to be the rich kid, I saw what it did to people. It made them feel like they were more... (10) What I Think... - 1/6/2002 This is what I think of those I know. I'm sure you all have friends that relate to mine. LAUREL W. - Who really wants to know? DANIELLE T. - Independent, Emotionally strong, confused as all teenagers, loving, highly intelligent, has strong beliefs in most every issue, very beautiful, stands up for what she knows is right, trustworthy and dependable, usually always smiling (unless tired or in a bad mood, of course), and talks things through - unlike most who make premature accusations. MONICA S. - Highly religious, confused, was stuck in a relationship between God and a boy (don't ask), but broke up with the boy to persue her love of God. Very debatable, and is not fun when in a bad mood. Most of the time she is lovely though, especially the way she looks. WILLIAM C. - I don't know much of him, except that he loves his computer (video games) and isn't interested in any girls at the time. He is intelligent when it comes to math, and fools many people with his appearance. He comes off as a "geek" or a "nerd" (oh how I hate those stupid words), but there is more to him than that. He loves rap music and just basic teen stuff. CATHERINE W. - Not socially smart, but tries her hardest. She has been one of my best friends for three years. She is one of the nicest persons I know, but she can turn mean at any moment, so you have to watch yourself. She is pretty, and very caring/loving. She was my first kiss. ME (PAYNE RAINS) - You could never know me. I am the only one who knows myself. (ADDITIONAL PEOPLE WILL BE ADDED LATER, IT IS HARD TO ANALYZE PEOPLE, BUT IT IS ONE OF THE THINGS I DO BEST) (11) Oh, the coldness - 1/8/2002 Can you feel the breeze slip past your fingertips in the murky salvation of the night? The numb pain banged inside my nails. I glanced at cars in the parking lot as I walked by, as I walked by with the wind. The breeze of memories forced my eyes to blur. I couldn't decide if my eyes were red from the physical or emotional pains. I found my way to the place where I dream, after I crossed the road that holds death in a silent breath of a theft, a theft of life. I kept my emotions bottled up because I liked my bottle, my bottle of endless sorrow, the bottle I still hold, 'till there be a glorious 'morrow. (12) Is it not? - 1/8/2002 It is humorous, at times, how love leads life to an empty hollow. It is humorous, to me, how life leads love to an empty sorrow. I laugh at myself for being so stupid - for following the entrapping chain of confusion. I still do, searching for the answer to my constant dillusion. In my mind now, the love I seek has became an illusion. It is humorous, to me, that I can be so foolish, to even think the game will let me win. Every time I think, I reminisce of the sight I sought. It is humorous, at times, is it not? (13) Damn - 1/9/2002 Damn life, it tells me to get a grip and that everything will be okay, but when I grip down, what I grip onto has been slicked down and I fall. (14) Suicide & chicken - 1/14/2002 Over the weekend some very interesting things happened. I was sitting watching a movie at my Dad's house, and my pocket got warm. Then, it got hot, and I got worried. I walked into the other room and opened my way into the "bathroom" (I say "bathroom" because there is a bath there, but the sink and toilet are in another room). I then unzipped my pants, took them off, and proceeded to pull the objects out of my pocket. I pulled some necklaces out that were so hot that they felt as if they had been in the oven on 350* for 10 minutes. I then decided that whatever it was, I didn't want to touch it with my bare hands, so I emptied the pockets out with a swift beat of my pants against the cold floor. What I saw was odd. Two batteries were stuck together. I immediately took an object (some type of stick thing) and I hit the batteries to seperate them. After they were seperated I grabbed a cloth to throw them away with. I guess that the battery acid, the energy, and the friction caused, caused the heat to increase.. the batteries might have exploded on me! When I walked back into the other room, my dad's friend sat apon the sofa-chair. His friend committed suicide a while back and he is depressed about it. He asked if it was "real easy to get a gun in this city" and my dad asked him why, of course he mumbled out something like "no reason..." but there was a reason. Suicide is nothing to be taken lightly. Nothing is enlightning about it. My uncle got home later and brought some chicken from Winn Dixie. It was the best chicken I had ever eaten! Better than KFC! My dad and I believed it must have costed a bundle coming from Winn Dixie (the over pricing sons o' bitches), but no - eight pieces for four dollars and so on! I was just amazed at how good and cheap the shit was! When I got back from school the next day (going to my mom's) there was a dog in the yard behind me, and it started chasing me. Weird thing is, I didn't run. I pulled my headphones off of my ears, turned around made a lunge at the dog and made the biggest bark that dog had ever heard. It was a very large dog. I was amazed and of course, proud, as anyone who just claimed "Top Dog" on their street would be. The dog ran back into its fence, and I walked home to type this journal. (15) Tell me... - 1/14/2002 Tell me a little about yourself in a note, and let me view your journal if you have one here :-). Thanx :-). (16) Overview part 2 - 1/16/2002 Continued from "Brief overview of me (part 1)..." so please read it first! Thanx :-) It made them feel like they were more... of a person, and I didn't like that feeling. I've tasted the sweet lips of richness once before, and oh how wonderful it is until you get that sick pang in your stomach from endulgence. I find that just having enough is enough for me, which it should be. I enjoy my solitude, my time to myself, the time in which I write, the time in which I think, the time in which I get to understand more of everything. Now in highschool the world has revolved the opposite direction for me, and I'm thankful for it. Now I know what I must do. And I am in the process of it. Everyone is in the process of what will come and what will turn the world back, back from lies, but now we are in a world of dark, the dark has engulfed the light. Everywhere I look I see a hint of a shine, but then it swirls back around and hits me with a look of forbiddance. Again, I wish not to be rich. Paper is making our world bleed of greed. Green greed. People see through money, after all... what is it in actuality? Paper. I hold the scissors in my mind. I now begin to see the... (17) Overview part 3 - 1/16/2002 I now begin to see the truth in lies. There never was truth to begin with. There is no truth in lies. The truth in lies have been corrupted with deceit. The tempest has risen and engulfed all truth. Now lovers lie to one another. Glances are false. Image is just an appearance. Appearing to the judges of society. "WHO SAID YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO JUDGE!" Get your curious eyes away from mine. I choose to portray multiple personalities. This lets me, only, to know myself. People who think they know or understand (except for danielle, who knows me more than most) only know little. Only one true other will ever know the full me. Until that one is found, I will keep my truths hidden. I will be the truth in my lies. Even though I know... (18) Overview part END - 1/16/2002 There will be no way for me to understand myself completely. This is a valid statement that proves to be fearful. For if I don't understand myself, what do I need to understand and when will I know? I know most of me, I know what I am, I know where I am, I know who I am, but I also know, that there is something that I need to do... something that I will do... everyone knows that there is something that they need to do, deep down inside, there is a purpose. Deep down inside is where I've been looking, searching for the purpose of my existince. I will find it, if not soon, then I am fearful it will be gone forever. Forever... (19) What do I write of?? - 1/21/2002 How old must you be for people to understand? How old must they not be to listen? If you tell them, will they remember you? Or will they remember what you looked like? Interviews are §h!t. They reveal nothing of self-character, of self-discipline, of the self itself. Interviews are just another way of judgement. They, which in they I am meaning society, hold you in the palm of their hands at that time, and decide whether you could live in that palm awaiting to be crunched into nothing or if you will be thrown away like you will be in the future anyway. I am not a depressive. I am not depressed, I do not have bad views of any person - government, etc. But, if they would learn to learn, then maybe they would understand the true meaning of learning. Understand? I know this entry is boring as hell, so let me spice it up a little bit. Umm, let's see - how can you "spice" something up. Ah, okay, anyone want to know of my sexual interests or if I'm straight or if im bisexual or if I'm gay... Well, I don't actually know yet, but as far as I know, I am attracted to females only. As I have stated before - I am what you think I am in your own mind, and if your own mind finds me corrupt or filled with hatred or depression, then you can be the fool. You can play it like that. My cover is my clothes, and my emotions are my "letters". If you wished to understand me more than try not to understand me and how to do things and then you will get the full picture. That I cannot be understood. There are opinions open to judgement as there are facts open the same. If these facts become opinion then where is the judgement left to judge? False accusations will lead to sorrow. You are not important. I am not important. No one will ever be important. True, some may be "important" but none, not even God, will ever be important. It was not meant to be so. So what I do each night is try to stay me. That's all, I don't hope for better or wish for the best, because - nothing can be changed and most if changed is changed for the better. But what is "better" to you? Better to me is not changing. Well, not changing in ways. Everyone changes, if you did not change, then you could not learn. You could not be taught. Teaching change is what life does best. Life teaches change in hints and slight turns that slap you in the back when you turn your cheek. Keep both eyes open and you will see the change. Very suddle, as always, but there is always change, like right now. This one entry has changed you in some way. I'm not saying it has "changed" you completely. But maybe, just maybe, if you think about it, you yourself will realize that every little thing is a change. I accept it, I admire it, and I despise it at times. But what can I do? Change kills people, change brings new people into this Hell, change makes two become one. I will always write of change. Because, it always has changed me. (20) My ribcage - 1/22/2002 last night I stretched the wrong way or something and pulled a muscle in my ribcage... I couldn't breathe right, and when I woke from my sleep, I still couldn't breathe right, so I stayed home from school. When I woke again at 12:00 a.m. I was breathing regularly, but my ribs still hurt, they still do now at 10:00 p.m. Just thought I'd write about it. (21) DiscreetDeceitfulnes - 1/28/2002 What do you do? You shove the labels down my throat and clog my freedom! What must I do? I can't do anything about it, so I write about it, and hope to get my message through. Hopefully, some will understand what I type of, what I am trying to make clear. I don't wish to be the victim. The whore of the government. But I am. I don't wish to fall into the discreetful deceitfulness! But I have. Society is a quicksand that you trip into the moment out of the womb. We are all drowning. We are all already dead. The apocalypse has already happened. No one really notices is yet. We're all dead, or stuck at a dead end. I didn't want to drive down this road. But I did. This is no song, this is no poem, this is a message to all who read. I am not angry, I am not mad, I am not a depressed person, I'm an agressive writer with a mislead obsession of understanding myself. No, not extremely an obsession, but rather a curiousity. The last thing I need is your help, but the first thing I need is your understanding. I did not choose to become a writer. I did not know it would happen But it did. And of this I am grateful. I am grateful for all that has been given to me and all that has been taken from me. I am grateful for everything. I am greatful for all discreetful deceitfulness. I am greatful for every smile. I am grateful for every heartbeat. I am grateful for there being a girl in this world which I love so much that she influences my writing. Of this, I am highly grateful. Could you be as grateful, or at that, more? I hope so, for I wish the all of everyone to be grateful for every little thing. I did not tell you to read this. But you did. (22) A bit of truth - 1/29/2002 Lately I am finding out things about things I have been wondering about. And now I don't want to know. The little bit of truthfulness sets me on a sideways track to nowhere. I still search for love, as all do... even those who find someone still look for love. They put their "lovers" up to their own personal tests and if they fail, they throw the love a way. Here's a new thought. Love is not a game, it is called that, and people play it, but think for a second and realize, that love is not a game. It is now, but that's because it's how most teenagers view it. They may not realize it, but they do, they use love to their advantage (including: lust, flirting, and crushes or slight attractions). I've seen it happen, hell - it's happened to me. You have a small attraction for a girl/guy and when they find it out or notice it they take advantage of it. I hate those kind of people. It makes my feelings go numb. Love derails off its tracks right there. Love is not just "love" to me, love is attraction, love is the flirting, love is the quick glances, the notes, the sweet short "hey's" that make you feel ten times the person you are, love is anything and everything to do with the attraction to the opposite sex. That is my definition. And I know not to play this definition like a page from a book. You can't throw it around like every other adjective, verb, or noun. This is the supreme word, the one underlined in boasting bold letters. People take advantage of it. Love is friendship. Yes, friendship is attraction when it is with a person of the opposite sex. You cannot tell a boy/girl to just be a friend or he/she will be attracted, he/she may not admit it to you, but everyone knows the feeling. I heard a song about it. Very good, but I forget the name, oh well. Hurt moves itself like a blood red marker in a field of white pureness. But love moves itself like light in a dark room. The hardest realization to me was the fact that none of this will change. Only I can be the one to change, this does not mean others will understand. But now understanding has became the last priority of mine. I need to stop trying to make myself feel better by telling my mind that I "will" do what I have set my mind to doing. If I waste any time now I will end up at the gates and find them to be blood-stained black. School is slowing me down. But no, no more excuses. I will now, today, go back to what I started in the 4th grade. I will write full time, in class, at home, during lunch. I wish to get so much better. I can't just stop now, I have gotten this far. And what I mean by stopping is not learning more. With every poem I write "I" learn more about myself. I learn more about myself. With most everything I write I amaze myself. I want to keep amazing myself. Lately, no writing done, no poetry written. This is what I'm writing about. I need to write more. I am starting again tomorrow. If I can think to type, I can always write. I am starting again right now... ~It's not as if I don't write, I do, but I am talking of writing full time. I always have ideas to write down, some ideas I get when I have the paper in the front of my eyes. This is why I must write full-time. To find what I'm searching for. I'm searching for the perfect poem. So that I will know how to write the perfect poems. I have just been in fear that if I find it, there will be nothing more to write. Nothing more to think. But I know that is not true now. People say I am good, and the confidence has brought me up again. I feed on compliments. Everyone does. At least now I see a little bit of truth... At least now I can stop lying to myself. And Danielle - Love Yaz! To everyone else - Love yaz too! (well, the girls) (23) On- Ignorance... - 1/30/2002 Ignorance is not bliss. I had something to say. She smacked me down with a crude expression. My woven heart began to fray. Today she was the bitch, today she played a fool. Today she played as all days she does, she plays like Satan's tool. There are good people, and then there are the bad. I'm not saying that I don't love her, it just makes me sad. (24) Literature - 1/30/2002 No thought should go unwritten, no paper should stay blank, No word should go unspoken, no pen should stay full-tank, No Idea should go unthought, no pencil should stay with lead, No truth should go untold, no writing should stay unread. (25) Farewell... - 1/30/2002
Farewell, Was the Letter
I loved a love I never had,
She layed such an imprint upon me;
That I, not being a selfish lad,
Left an epistle, for her, upon the sea.
She found it ages and ages hence,
And trite had became the ink.
Still she made out what was made for her,
And her eyes gave her cheeks a drink.
Salty, is the water which, she received from me.
I, lying alone;
Myself beneath the sea.
(26) Epitaph - 1/30/2002 If you haven't read this before, please do ;-)
The repetition of being single is a constant river of sadness which I drown in, White doves fly above and I reach, Whispers of confidence sing in my drums till I forget; I have forgotten how to reach, I recollect and reminisce as I sink to the bottom, I am in love with love, She has became my admirable headache, Each time I see her eyes I cry inside from love I hide - and love hurts, Hurts to the point of fear, Liquid colors of emotion trickle from my pores as I sit and watch the cool breeze pass the summer by, I roll My tears to balls of dust, Life will become the end of Me, She is my Alpha. (27) Anyone out there? - 2/4/2002 Lately no one has viewed my diary.. I'm getting oddly suspicious.. Oh well... ~The best thing in life is the last second. The one second you can reflect on but cannot change. The only time you do not have. The last second~ ~I love the cool crisp walk over the crunching cucumber cove. It enlightens the soul and hightens the heart. When does the cove come to part? When the love light turns off in the heart~ I wrote a HUMONGOUS entry, and then OD screwed up and I lost it!!! damn, oh well - guess i'll re-write it soon. :-) (28) Knowledge kills... - 2/4/2002 How else will I plead, How much doth thou need, For thine eyes to be e'er fulfilled with knowledge? Knowledge will kill, It stabs lonely at will, your eye bring thy hands to carnage. At blood, will you halt, And find true fault, Of lust and foolishness, For knowledge... (29) Barcoded - 2/11/2002 <<<<<<<<<<<< BARCODED We are all barcoded nothings. We all hide inside the hope. Riding our beliefs below the evident. Fuck beliefs. Beliefs kill, beliefs steal, beliefs inprison, beliefs lie, beliefs hurt, beliefs lead. What is in the word? Is it, christian? Is is, freedom? Who are you to tell me how to live? You are forsaking yourself. Forcing belief is only denying the truth. I do not believe there is a God. I have an idea that there is a God. I do not dedicate my life to dedication. Why must you? Why must you be so foolish? Calling those who do not enter your doors less than you makes you the lesser of them. Why must you? Who are you to tell them how to live? No one is perfect, so why try to be if you never can? I love you all. I understand life. I know everything. I am perfect. I know there is a God. Fact and fiction is an illusionment that can be mirrored to confuse the lesser of the two. So why must you forsake yourself? I have a good feeling that beliefs are shit. (30) Mardi Gras - 2/12/2002 Happy Mardi Gras Everybody!! I'm supposed to study for a Biology test tomorrow, but screw it!!!!!! It's Mardi Gras PARADING TIME!!!!!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) (31) Untitled - 2/12/2002 Time ticks to torture the timid. Sitting sullenly; so sick; screaming silently. Class commenses; chairs clammy; closely commited. Boring business, being beaten by books. I intake interesting, informative ink. My mind may melt... My mouth moves... Silence! says someones swift shush... Close... Closer... Clock clicks, chairs crash, children cram closely... Tomorrow, to the torture, tomorrow... ----------------------------------------------------- Each of everyone has a twin. Somewhere in this world there is someone who looks just like you... think about it... I have, and it freaks me out... ----------------------------------------------------- Time tortures us all, Life holds us, So I write to get free ------------------------------ (32) Lily of the Lake - 2/13/2002
"Lily of the Lake"
FRESH WATER LILY, Sing me no praise, A CRIME has been committed, Wilted my lily lays. NEVER, CAN YOUR SMELL COMPARE, Neither could your look, To my wilted water lily, And her daffodil hair. HER TULIP EYES & SUNFLOWER SMILE, Will NEVER be compared, Fresh water lily, Have you, ANY daffodil hair??? ANYTHING YOU EVER SAY, And everything you wear, Will remind me of my wilted lily, And her "sunshine stare". FRESH WATER LILY, You must let go of me, My wilted water lily calls out, For her only bee. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I'VE SEEN MY LOVE, As I get old; It's too much to bear. I close my eyes for one last time, And none other do I see, Than my wilted water lily, Staring back at her lonely bee. \\\ Payne Rains \\\ (33) PrObLeMs - 2/13/2002 Everyone has problems, But was I blind to see, That there is much more out there, Much more worse than me? I hate that God could be so cruel, I wish that she would stop, I have so many friends with problems from school, I thought about being a highschool drop, But then i realized the truth, That they need me as I do them, So I stayed inside the hell we call school, To support them as a friend. They take it for granted but at least I know, That I'm helping just a bit, How could life get just so???!?? Eating disorders, depression, & suicide attempts. (34) Valentine - 2/13/2002 Valentine The blood through mine, the blood through yours, Hearts The love through mine, the love through yours, Veins Hurt seen through mine, hurt done by yours, Eyes Deceit felt through mine, deceit done by yours, Hands I ended the trust we shared with words from them, trust you unsealed by yours, Mouths I still write of mine, you still think of yours, Valentine ````Most people ask me if my poems are about something that really happened, this one is, it's about being cheated on... which is NO fun at all, from those who have been cheated on. A word of advice, people don't hurt as much if you break up with them and not cheat, it is better that way```` (35) Confused - 2/13/2002 You don't understand the emotion, You can't cry my pain, I couldn't understand, Why she should look so still, I couldn't understand, Why she wouldn't move, I couldn't understand, I didn't know why she wouldn't respond, I couldn't understand, I cried out inside myself, I didn't know why, I confused the actuality of the situation, I trembled, I didn't understand, Why such a thing could happen, To my own blood, I didn't understand, How they could hold her under the water, I couldn't understand, Why she wasn't fighting back, I didn't want to understand, Why she looked so cold, I didn't feel like understanding, Why she looked so blue, I can't understand, Why I would have such a... Horrid dream. (36) Time... - 2/19/2002 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I try to compliment her, she takes it as an insult... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Time makes remembrance forget, Time turns love to hate, Time turns warmness to cold, Time turns the world and dizzies the minds, Time makes hate come through, Time is little, Time is short, Time entraps itself within your mind making you rely on it, Time holds itself precious, Time has no time for itself, Now it's time to end this entry... and write another, if I have time... (37) Thank you... - 2/25/2002 I am writing this entry to thank all of you who read my writing. I love all of you. Thank you so much. I can't explain my appreciation of your admiration. Again, thank you, all my love from the bottom of my heart to all of you who read what I write, even if you don't like it, thank you. (39) Why I haven't... - 2/27/2002 The reason for me not writing much lately is that I have been preoccupied with movies and drawing and songwriting and playing guitar, etc. I will pick up writing in my diary again next week (Next Sunday), so look then for a new entry, until then, love be with you. (40) fr[t]ee[n]dom - 3/10/2002 Hey, I'm back. Did you miss me? Of course not, it's okay, I understand, no one loves me. (I just wrote this whole entry, and it got deleted, RGHHH I HATE OD@@@!!). Anyway, back to the entry - I have been drawing and playing guitar and writing music lately, but now I'm back! Aren't you happy? No? Okay... that's fine. I got my driver's permit! Yayyy!! I hate those parents who say, "OH, LOOK~!!! ANOTHER IRRESPONSIBLE TEENAGER ON THE ROAD!!!!!" Well you know what I say?? I say, give every one of them who says that a driver's test and see if they can drive. They drive worse than the average teen (most of them), but I guess most of them are afraid of something happening to their children, but damnit, get off of my ass! what did the other teenagers do? The stress of being a teen is almost too much to bear, and I hear it doesn't get any better... It's a good thing I don't let it get to me :-). That's why I slipped by with an 85 in Biology this nine weeks, but that's not my goal, I don't want to be a Biologist! Why can't we choose what we want? hmm? Where's our freedom? Teenagers have little freedom, and the minimum amount of freedom that we are allowed is shit, little shit, we are stuck. I am bound and confused and I hold the key to a door that leads to nowhere. I can't stand this! I want out! But I'm stuck, good thing I am not suicidal or I would of already killed myself!! But, that's why there is writing, and music, and girls... to ease the stress that I keep inside me... But oh well, don't let the parents control you, but at the same time, don't rebel, we need our freedom, we were born attatched and that's how we will die, alone and attatched, but I'm not stressed, I'm not hurt, I'm just.... I'm just bored. I'm bored of it all, I want something more than what's given, I want I want, this sounds like a little 3 year old, does it not? I don't mind it though, let our inner child come out for a minute and it's told to go to it's room. Come on people, let us have a little fun! Let the word free have meaning. They imprison freedom. They tie up the chances, they bind the opportunities, they put us on a line, and if we fall off we are said to be less than them who still walk the line of what they want. Will we become them? Are we already turning into them? Of this thought, I am scared, of this belief, I am scared, but this scaring thought has made me oppose the opposition. It has made me love what is dear in life, and cherish that, because that is the only freedom I can see anymore, the times in which we see the world when it doesn't scream. The beautiful times, the memorable times, the moments, the waterfalls, the rivers and lakes and birds and streams. You know what I'm saying! That's all we have now! Or, Is that all that there is? Is that why we can't have freedom? There is no freedom to be had? Or is it what they want... What about what we want? Where did that go? Wait, we never had that!! But that's okay, I'm not pissed, it's getting better, think about being a teenager about a hundred years ago, think of what a bitch that would be, but for the last time I will say... I'm not mad, hurt, or pissed off... I'm just... bored. Can't keep you... - 4/9/2002 Can't keep you waiting forever for a new entry, but I have a test tomorrow so this will be quick. So far in my life since I wrote a past entry, I have seen the beauty of the world in the eyes of beauties, danielle, stephanie, krystal, and so many others to name a few. I love the world I live in, but still I write of the hatred and anger, because I feel it still, still it creeps up on me like a stalker in the night awaiting a fresh leap upon a guilty sinner... but I stay hidden, seeing as how I am becoming the stalker, and not the innocent... Still, I remain the innocent Missed Me? - 4/16/2002 Missed me? No... okay then... just kidding, i know you did! Hey, if you missed me, leave a note, so i know how much i was missed.... please? no? okay, fine then... I AM IN THE PROCESS OF DELETING ALL MY SHORT OR STUPID ENTRIES.. AND UPDATING MY DIARY.. ALL ENTRIES ARE STILL UP THOUGH... I AM THINKING OF ONLY KEEPING THE 10 NEWEST ENTRIES PUBLIC, AND HIDING THE REST.. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO??? help! On: Depression (public) - 4/16/2002 I have a tendancy to express my stress through stressed expressions. Each entry in itself is one big lesson. For if you let the green eat your eyes... Fools will follow to your demise. Seeing as how this has already begun, is the reason why I steadily hold to my gun. For soon will be a horrible day, then is when my depressions break to gray. The day when nothing is as it seemed, for seeming is nothing in its own meaning. I know you may be slightly confused, that's fine - it makes me slightly amused. I must go now to ride the monotonous bus, that leaves if my feet are not worthy to trust. On: Depression (2) - 4/17/2002 I have came to the conclusion that I am depressed mainly because I am bored with life. I know I can be doing something better than what I am now, and school is slowing me down. But, I'm stuck in life, so I'll deal with it; I guess that's why I write... well, there are other reasons for that too, but boredom is a big factor. Not boredom in general, boredom of life. Oh, and being sick and tired of people who like to feel better by making others feel like shit. That makes me depressed a little, but helps my writing. If I didn't have life, I couldn't write, so I guess that's a plus. ON DEPRESSION (3) THE FiNALi - 4/22/2002 Let me let loose of this lie i've been composted with. I am not a depressive, I never will be, I have too great a personality, I write depressive to get out the depression and hate and anger inside of me, it makes my writing better, so for one more time.. I'm not depressed, :-), I just write depressive, I'm in an exceptional good mood now because of a girl situation... hehe :-) anyway, i'll talk to you people sometime, it's nice how technology connects the world together on some strange level. I'll write some more "poetic" entries sometime, but not now, i must go study for my state biology test, wish me luck! :-) On: The Girl - 4/24/2002 The girl situation just keeps getting better! I now have a girlfriend, yay for me! She's really cool and sweet to me. She's not fake, which i hate in a girl, and she tells me everything about her. She makes me a little jealous, but oh well - most girls do that on purpose. I just love girls@!!@!@! For: The Girl - 4/24/2002 2 songs I have written for her... both untitled... SKIN SO SMOOTH YOU COULDN'T HOLD ON, HAIR SO SOFT YOU WOULD FALL RIGHT THROUGH, EYES SO DEEP YOU WOULD GET LOST, IN THE SHADE OF BLUE. SHE'S ONE OF THOSE GIRLS YOU WISH WOULD NEVER LEAVE, BUT TIME'S GOOD AT MAKING ME HURT, A WINK FROM THIS JASPER ROSE WOULD CURE A MAN, PUSH A SHY MAN LIKE ME TO FLIRT, SKIN SO SMOOTH YOU COULDN'T HOLD ON, HAIR SO SOFT YOU WOULD FALL RIGHT THROUGH, EYES SO DEEP YOU WOULD GET LOST, IN THE SHADE OF BLUE. I LOVE THAT SHE SHOWS SO MUCH DOMINANCE, THERE'S MORE TO HER THAN STRIKES THE EYE, HER SMILE'S GOT ME UNDER ITS TRANCE, HER ESSENCE GETS ME HIGH, HER ESSENCE GETS ME HIGH. SKIN SO SMOOTH YOU COULDN'T HOLD ON, HAIR SO SOFT YOU WOULD FALL RIGHT THROUGH, EYES SO DEEP YOU WOULD GET LOST, IN THE SHADE OF BLUE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This song is played on accoustic - PRETTY LONG SONG - kinda bruce springsteenish... WELL IN THOSE 4 SHORT HOURS GIRL, I WAS IN HEAVEN, SITTIN' ON THE COUCH, HOPIN' 6 COULD BE 7, YOU WERE SITTIN' RIGHT NEXT TO ME, WITH YOUR CIGARETTE, LOOKIN' SO FINE WITH THAT WHITE SHIRT AND IM THINKIN' 9 WOULD BE BEST, BUT THE MINUTES COUNT EACH OTHER, AND SOON I SEE IT'S PAST FIVE, WE'RE TALKING WITH OUR LIPS, BUT WE'RE DANCING WITH OUR EYES, TO THE MUSIC THAT OUR HEARTS WERE MAKIN', SO CLOSE - TO EACH OTHER'S SIDE, AND THEN TIME STOPPED SHORT, I SAW THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYE, I WISH THIS MOMENT WOULD NEVER END, I WISH THAT TIME WOULD DIE, SO THAT I COULD BE STUCK IN THOSE 4 HOURS, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. NOW THAT CLOCK GETS SO CLOSE, AND WE'RE DEEP IN CONVERSATION, THAT WE DON'T REALIZE, THE TRAIN IS LATE TO THE STATION, BUT I GLANCE REAL FAST AND SEE THE HANDS GIVING THE SIGN, IT'S ALREADY PAST SIX - WHY CAN'T YOU STAY 'TILL NINE? WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HAIR, AND FULL PARTED LIPS, I WAS IN HEAVEN GIRL, BUT HEAVEN DOESN'T EXIST, ONLY WHEN TIME STOPS SHORT, AND I SEE THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYE, IS WHEN I WISH THE MOMENT WOULDN'T END, WHEN I WISH THAT TIME WOULD DIE, SO I COULD BE STUCK IN THOSE FOUR HOURS, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, SO I WOULD BE CLOSE TO YOU GIRL, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE______________. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I haven't sang them for her yet though, so - tell me what you think.. help me out So something different now... - 4/29/2002 I feel so something different now...
My Inspiration
Anticipation beats the nerves untill nervousness seeps through our sweaty pores, The sun beats so heavy, But the birds above don't seem to mind, We're both parched - needing each other to quench the thirst, But the nervousness shines on our glistening skin, I look toward the handle and as I walk I think life could get no better, Our thirst quenched as we sit once again with each other, The nervousness has subsided, I lean over near her, She waits, Then her body reaches for mine, Her lips touch mine, That moment leaves me in the way I am now, I feel so something different now... But, it's such a good something different... Time goes by....... missing you... waiting for monday Now it's monday... And how I want your touch, Just to be without the world, To feel a different side of you, The side you try to hide but now that you choose to confide I think that I have almost died, but if I died I would of lied because you make me MORE THAN alive, I could live inside you, Just the kiss and tender lips and moist rejoice of a breathless voice makes my veins tremble and my heart beat fast.. so fast... I finally kissed you back and you almost had the heart-attack that I had when you first kissed me, You say you feel so something different, And as I think of you now, I hate that I can only think of you, and not be with you... But the feeling of you still lasts on my lips and the moment we had still hangs in the air, so I live for you... We feel so something different now... Like or Love~Trust and Distrust~I Do/Want Trust.. - 5/5/2002 Touching the feeling of more than liking her, She's worried on the feelings of distrust, Too smart to fall for that kind of stupidity, Laughing at the falseness of lust, Worried that trust will fall short of truth, Hoping personal obviousness will show, Could never lie to such a beautious facade, Connection stronger than any. hmm.. - 5/6/2002 tasting her makes the idea of tasting worth obsessing over... hmmm... never felt so crazy as I do now... but I like this... I never knew these feelings were inside me until she unlocked my locked heart... hmm... untitled - 5/6/2002 Black trees break the wind in places where there is no hell, Plastic ceilings of mislead fortune tell when the clock will stop, I only wish to understand. thinking of her - 5/6/2002 I wish to not feel, Just for moments inside, Skin crawling so helplessly - I know it's her, Within me is where she hides... life - 5/6/2002 Death is the only way to go; you'll never fly. show of trust - 5/6/2002 hating hate, changing fates, with this soul of mine... hurting me, hurting you, with moments in time... is it hurt, or is it pain, or could it be a lie... how will i know, until this show, comes to break the line... hope - 5/6/2002 wrapped up in obsessiveness, something to live for, hoping to live for something, now living for hope. inner being - 5/6/2002 how does the rose so sweet in it's slumber inspire the lovers which it never accepts? expression is a word too simplified for its inner meaning... there is no right any longer... i've squeezed the last drop... now i'm starting to evaporate... into my inner-being... try - 5/6/2002 Try and try and ponder why but the answers, they know where to hide, the truth is sleeping, righteousness is dead, so falsities take a ride. Now the red eye slams shut, and no opening is seen, for trapped will be the love you seek when red eye greeds for green. Relationships - 5/6/2002 Jealousy pulls like chicken from the bone, Naked inside yourself and only the other can help if you're left alone, How will I release? I am overwhelmed with desire, hoping for nothing more than what i have... I just want to understand, Relationships complicate the strongest of minds... past trust - 5/12/2002 before love a barrier of trust must be built, then love can swell behind this wall of blind hope and thrive within itself, until someday - if any - the barrier is busted through and all innocence is lost to find that you were thriving inside lies... are you satisfied? - 5/12/2002 Are you satisfied? There's so much in life... how can anyone be? i just thought about the question... and realized how stupid it was and i had to say something about it... well, there it is, myluv2uppl :-). FULFILLMENT - 5/12/2002 every moment fulfills me past the breaking point of dreaming... walking now has a new meaning, walking is the way to view her to touch her to smell her to be near her... i am dependent... interdependent within the chambers of my own hell... this hell that i fight through with my heart and soul this hell that confuses me stabs me in the back, holding me in by fear, and blinding me of the truth but now i have past through the hell and see no black because i have a reason to cut these ribbons of fear... fulfillment. her. love. life. overwhelmed, yes - true i may be, but overwhelmed in a sense of understanding but i don't wish to understand anymore just to dream and believe in these dreams and hope they will take me further... not hope but know, for hope and doubt shake hands together, there is fulfillment in my eyes... she makes my eyes flow... tears of love... beautiful tears... of overwhelming ecstacy... virtuous, but searching for more.. happy, but never happy enough... until i push past fulfillment... into ecstatic virtuousness +My WebsiteI AM THE SUN - 5/19/2002
I Am the Sun
Ecstatic stillness in blue-jellied spheres; Crystaline life-holding soul-sharing jesters. To know them is to know how she views the world. Seducing, breathless beauty in two craters on the smallest moon. In this moment I feel as the Sun. These voices from this metal box speak of my feelings for you. What you say only sounds good when someone else says it - I love you. My lids pull, but still I write; 1:37 a.m. This room smells old - cluttered to clostraphobia. My pupils itch with dreams. Bones numbing and skin heavily pulled by gravity. Feels like something is stuck to me; I need to bathe, I need to breathe, But where are you? Hurting you is past impossible to me. I feel too much love - I could never hurt another soul. I've never hurt before, no need to begin. Everything reminds me of you. Nothing could make me forget; not even death. If I died I wouldn't go to heaven, I'd be by you. Ecstatic stillness makes my heart flow faster, For I am the Sun. ~Payne words - 5/20/2002 Words are nothing. if they meant anything, why would we forget them, but it's what we live by. So, we live by nothing... but - do we love by nothing? No - feelings are what to love by, so feelings are what I live by. words II - 5/21/2002 words are something, the only something able to convey expression and feeling and emotion other than skin to skin; but when skin to skin can be conveyed, there is a true heaven. sex - 5/23/2002 okay, it's later now... I've been contemplating the difficulties of adolescence and the strain of sexuality on such a twisted time in life. What I have came to realize, is - that if it happens, it happens, and that's all there is to it. No need to worry about it. I don't want to be any longer, but - then I... don't know. So, no need to go too deep into this one or I will confuse myself and then complicate the issue that isn't that much of an issue in the first place. My sexuality, who wants to hear about that? All I can say is, I'll write deeply about it sooner or later. RACISM - 5/23/2002 I see the faces - racists; FACE THIS! Traces of misplaced disgrace graces the race; Race against race; My place in the race is last place because I don't feel like racing for nothing; Get this - bloody-crosses scream hard hatred; Avenged revenge - cultures destroy themselves, now their naked; Scared of each other - the reason's unknown; Raised up like they are - kids of their own; Generations past this will see peace, now it's just seen by a blast from a piece; bloody police; Police no better, beating down their own system; Fuck this life, I want another; I just want all people to know i'm everybody's brother; I wish strangers could love each other. Wishes are thrown away like obituaries and old lovers. sometimes.... - 5/23/2002 it's weird, when i think of it.. being me.. just me, and no one else could ever be who i am... and some times i think that only i was put here and no one else, that i'm just a character in a drawn-out riddle called life... and in this life i am myself, and i am real, but no one and nothing else is... sometimes... that's just the way i feel... at times.. finally... - 5/23/2002 my diary look is finally complete.. i think... what do you think of it?? I AM THE SUN (revised) - 5/23/2002 tell me which you think is better...
I Am the Sun Ecstatic stillness in blue-jellied spheres; Crystaline life-holding soul-sharing jesters. Seducing, breathless beauty in two craters on the smallest moon. In this moment I feel as the Sun. My pupils itch with dreams. Ecstatic stillness makes my heart flow faster, For I am the Sun. us between us - 5/23/2002 Us Between Us Cold metal below our many layers, Us beside us, Starshine above us, Where white specks of ecstacy swim in a sea of black; But not yet, Now a blurried rainbow glows, The introducer to the night, Slow soothing sunset, We speak of past, present, and future; In so little time we've been through a so lot of much. Now it's been half a calendar since that night; Still beside us, Holding each other even when we're not touching, My admirable headache, Pleasurably tortured by thoughts of you. Bees make honey sweet that coats the toungue; Your taste surpasses that of a honeycomb. You engulf my soul and dizzy my mind. Us between us. ~Payne can't wake - 5/23/2002 Can't Wake I'm up past midnight, I can't get to sleep, Little thoughts of her keep running into me. I trip over them and I fall so deep, Into this blind love that summer won't let me keep. But i'll fight the summer, I'll fight it strong, Try my hardest to be with her; I miss the kiss, The tender lips, And moist rejoice of her breathless voice - That only speaks to me. I just wish to feel. ~Payne thinking of you thinking of me... - 5/24/2002 I've been thinking of you thinking of me, And now as I think so strange it seems, That someone else could think of me, Other than me myself and I. "they" - 5/24/2002
Crying inside themselves... Smiling to everyone else, They feel unloved, Even though they know the love they show is shown back, They hide... Smiling at their only friend, As they look in the mirror. And in only this time do they smile, They love alone, Confused by ways that hold no substance, Hurt by hate, Hate from hurt, They feel abused... But, no, they need no suicide, for then the world would have stolen their pride... I am they. Short Letters - 5/24/2002 Dear Sorrow, I have felt you too long. Dear Torment, You have been harsh; no more. Dear suffering, Soon I will escape. Dear Hate, You bring my eyes to blur. Dear Fear, My spine has shuddered long enough. Dear pain, I must find a way to kill you. Dear Hurt, Never cross my path again. Dear lies, I will find the truth of you. Dear temtation, I may give in. Dear sickness, Why must you last? Dear revenge, LET GO. Dear feelings, STOP. DEAR INTENSITY, You are too much for me. Dear pity, I want none of you. Dear falseness, I see through you. Dear tastelessness, You are bland and worthless. Dear discrimination, I will hunt you down. Dear grief, You smell too much of flowers. My Inspiration - 5/24/2002 This poem can be found here: http://forcourtney.cjb.net/ Spilt Milk - 5/24/2002 Spilt Milk I wrote this poem 3 years ago Don't cry over spilt milk, Unless It's spilt on you, You hurt me very badly, I have feelings too, You ripped my heart out, Threw it in the garbage can, Now every night I shout, Seeing you with that other man, But - I feel sorry for that other man, He doesn't know what he's in for, All you want is the green he keeps in his hand, You laugh as you disappear through his back door, I wish that you would come back, But I know you never will, My wishes are just whacked, So I will go - without will, I'm like Humpty Dumpty, With all the King's horses and all the King's men, I cracked open when you dumped me, I'll never be restored again, As I watch you from above, I see you at my grave, You push on it & give it a shove, Soon you'll be Satan's slave. Don't cry over spilt blood, Unless It's spilt for you, I hurt myself very badly, And I did it over you. Infatuated Confusion - 5/24/2002 Written when I was unassure, but i am now, and some of this was just imaginative (not true facts) this is why I throw nothing away... :-)
Infatuated Confusion
I ask myself - is this love? Too fast - seduced by a broken dove. The lies inside my eyes she spies, And knows when the mask I wear isn't mine. Now I wonder if I want this, Show I give in - feel this new bliss, First I wrote of all that I want, Now I find what I wanted was my own taunt, I taunted myself and she knocked me out, That's why I'm asking what this is about, My friends are now pushed outside my circle, I need some space for her, But - I haven't enough space for myself inside this hell. My father taken, My mother broken, My mother taken, My father broken, Leaves me this way; Like I'm breathing but my mind is choking. I love this love I feel for her, She's comforting me now, she's my cure. Comfortable boredom suits this. Suicide - 5/24/2002 If all forms of writing, music, and poetry were taken away from me... maybe then... but until that day... I appreciate this life I've been given Mike - 5/24/2002 GAY Think, To be born into this world knowing you can't be the norm, KNOWING - that no one will accept you. But - knowing you only are attracted to the same sex. FEELING - that God will never accept you. Imagine, To hate yourself and wash away with drinking your sober hurt. BEING - so spit apon that you can't get up. But - never giving up and still fighting. PRIDE - without it suicide would suffice. Understand, To need the world to love you for who you are, RACISM - comes in many different forms. But - it can be helped, why isn't it? GAY - knowing the truth of how hurtful the world can be. *Poem dedicated to Mike, who told me how hard it is for him to be gay, he said ever since he was real little he knew, and that he wouldn't be accepted by God. But, I tell him - how can you believe what people have written in a book, when people treat you the way they do, the Bible's a lie - meant to hurt you more. I say this to help him, he needs it, he's really a good guy. Last Night - 5/24/2002 Last night (actually about 2:00a.m.) my mom came home... we had these nasty chicken wing things and I had some shrimpz.. oh how I love lil' shrimpz... but anyway - She had been drinking a little bit, and had a buzz. Somehow we got on the discussion of where I will be this summer. She wants me to be with her a week and with my dad a week. But, what I'm trying to make her understand is, I can't handle staying with her that long - and not seeing dad, and staying with dad that long - and not seeing her. All the while maintaining a relationship and love and keeping myself together. We had a very long argument, and (my dad does this too) when I get mad or worked up I start to cry, not sad tears but the confused ones - i dunno, but then - my nose started to bleed - i was outside telling her i was sorry and stuff, and then i got up to go inside and she said "SIT DOWN" i said "but", she said "SIT DOWN", i told her i had a nose bleed and i walked through the door and she said "GOOD"... which isn't very nice and I don't think I'd ever say anything like that to her, I mean, it was a bad one - all over everywhere. But, then she finally came back to earth and we settled the issue by what i stated earlier, she understands now what I was trying to get her to understand. Then, after all of that, we got into a conversation about the different level of people (how we got into such a high-level thinking conversation I don't know, but we did). It was about people, and how they are.. they are either black, gray, or white. Not race or color or anything... but black is like - people who think they do right, but are doing wrong and stuff like that.. gray is people who understand and analyze and observe, but could never be black or white, they can only help - but most of the time are never listened too... and white is the person who does good, and overlooks the bad, only doing good... and then we started to talk about different levels of each color, and how there is some people deep in the depths of black with specks of white... it was a very unusual cool but confusing conversation. I looked up and it was 3:30... Oh well, my girlfriend is coming over tomorrow... I hope... if her dad "loosens up the leash a little bit" - as my mom said. Well, much love - Me. Useless thoughts... - 5/25/2002 I've been thinking so deeply that I've been thinking about thinking... Adam and Eve... if no one gave birth to them... did they have a belly button? If Adam and Eve were first the only two humans... and they mated... and all people came from them... then we are all related... and all sex is incest. If you think the world needs a new Shakespeare, I am sorry to tell you that there was and will only be one; but there can still be better poets, and better poets there will be, better poets there are. Even Homer wasn't a good poet, he just played with words and used his boredom to his advantage. I watched Star Wars II the other day, oh my God I laughed through the whole thing, a great comedy... hehehe... it was past horrible. Well, I need sleep, and my girlfriend's coming over tomorrow; I guess I won't do anything I wouldn't do.. hehe. Much love - Me. I AM THE SUN (comprehensive) - 5/25/2002 This is to explain the poem "I AM THE SUN (revised)" If you haven't read it yet.. well, here's your chance - and a chance to understand it. Much love - me.
I Am the Sun Ecstatic stillness in blue-jellied spheres; There is love in her blue eyes. Crystaline life-holding soul-sharing jesters. There is life in her eyes. Seducing, breathless beauty in two craters on the smallest moon. Her eyes are beautiful, set inside her face. In this moment I feel as the Sun. The sun misses the moon - I miss her when I'm not with her, I wasn't with her when I wrote the poem. My pupils itch with dreams. I am getting tired. Ecstatic stillness makes my heart flow faster, When I look in her eyes my heart beats faster. For I am the Sun. Because I love her. So much in so little... - 5/25/2002 I miss your kiss, It's been so long since I've felt your lips... As I look my watch I see only minutes have passed. I didn't want tomorrow to come close, I would do anything to be with you always, I can't help but think of your touch, Your smell, your heartbeat, Your skin, your beauty that binds me. I can't feel without you, I can't breathe. I know you're so close, but you're not close to me. I could walk to where you are, that would suffice, So we could try what we almost did once more tonight. But, would I be scared... would I be shy? Maybe, and the things I want to do to you I can't bring myself to write... But if I can't write them can I do them? Why rush? Because rushing feels so horribly right. I trust in myself and I definately trust in you, If I let you... what would you do? I shouldn't even ask, I shouldn't even care, But my whole body trembles when you start to move there. Your kiss is like a sea and I don't mind drowning inside, But would you be my lifesaver if I floated by? I thought I'd never confide I thought I'd always hide, But now I could die with just one look into your eye, Inbetween your thighs, yes, there is a sky, A sky which I could lie inside and even maybe fly. Something new I tried... and found that you didn't mind, At first I thought you would, But I guess my thoughts were misunderstood, That's why I was unsure at first, Sorry for making you thirst... But, I didn't want the worst, But what bad can happen from that? Now I see, So from now on, I won't let worry get to me. I just - 5/26/2002 Your breath could make flowers blossom, Your smile could make icicles melt, Your touch could sooth the soul of all hurting, And break the lies apart. Your eyes could make the whole world love, Your mind could hold all my worries, Your heart could flow a thousand rivers, And still flow a thousand more... I just love you so much... one - 5/26/2002 It's like our bodies used to be one, Held back by this skin... Show me how to become one again, Show me how to become one again... ¤¤¤¤¤¤PRIDE - 5/30/2002 Fuck this life, drugs kill, am I slowly turning into a drug? / I'M KILLING MYSELF / I didn't knock on the door to this HeLL / wait a minute, I did, I'm just a kid, didn't know a relationship could turn into this / didn't know a relationship could turn this tension from piss to shit / but I guess all I have choice to do is just to deal with it; I just can't care anymore / even though it's my nature. ((Her eyes are the reason for me to believe in life and that there's a reason, A reason for being so undeniably beaten. Beaten down by people who could care less, but Fuck caring, the world's got me fucking stressed. Suicide's just a way to hide, and I don't like to hide - that shows no pride. And pride is all that I've got left to live off, without it.. shit I'd be lost.)) I guess I have to lock all my doors / and say forget about everything - I wish everything was nothing and then I could go on living life unlike me, but i'm just so sensative/ fuck why am I so caring I don't mind sharing or bearing all of this - shit - people, quit staring / I don't like people who look like they think they could know you and don't even say shit like they just want to fight you or throw you from the top of the quickie stop and just watch you drop and they shed not a tear / fuck shedding these tears they hurt me so why do I need friends - all they do is develop into liars and cheaters, backstabbers and are gonna fuck me up in the end ((Her eyes are the reason for me to believe in life and that there's a reason, A reason for being so undeniably beaten. Beaten down by people who could care less, but Fuck caring, the world's got me fucking stressed. Suicide's just a way to hide, and I don't like to hide, that shows no pride. And pride is all that I've got left to live off, without it.. shit I'd be lost.)) Confusion, yeah that's right disillusion I know now I can't even fit my own two shoes on / I couldn't take a walk in these shoes I'm too scared now, too scared to lose what I've become now / I hurt inside and lie and try my hardest to forget my pride because I don't want you to hurt; I just don't want you to hurt / All this pain that I let linger inside my soul and take control stays here because I fear to hurt you with one thing that I fear ((Her eyes are the reason for me to believe in life and that there's a reason, A reason for being so undeniably beaten. Beaten down by people who could care less, but Fuck caring, the world's got me fucking stressed. Suicide's just a way to hide, and I don't like to hide, that shows no pride. And pride is all that I've got left to live off, without it.. shit I'd be lost.)) Courtney I just want you to know that I care and anything you ever do - I'll always be there / for you, I can't help but be scared / for you every time you mess up - you say how stupid you feel and how you wish you could heal / but that you can't try and that some nights you could just die to be by my side / And I've died inside many more than multiple times crying and lying to myself saying that we'll be together forever, but I know forever runs short - six feet shorter than sea level, fuck it, bury me in heaven so I can decompose and God could smell me rot, I don't smoke pot, snort cocaine, do anything to fuck my brain but damnit sometimes I feel I could just ram it all up somebody elses ass and just be happy by smoking grass ((Her eyes are the reason for me to believe in life and that there's a reason, A reason for being so undeniably beaten. Beaten down by people who could care less, but Fuck caring, the world's got me fucking stressed. Suicide's just a way to hide, and I don't like to hide, that shows no pride. And pride is all that I've got left to live off, without it.. shit I'd be lost.)) I've got no reason to believe in anything in religion / I've been potty trained and brainwashed since I was a "children" / But now I've grown up and realized what was happening, God was just put there for me to believe that mom and dad could be happy / Fuck that though, they were pretending for me, yeah mother and father they played just like on t.v. / they told me that "hey - it's not me" but then I watched the re-runs and saw that what they told was deceit / Now I live my life looking for a way to escape, I know many ways - but I won't take myself away today / I've got one reason to live, and she's got one reason to die / don't cry girl your momma could never see a tear in your eye / you're more of a soldier than any man could try to be / I'm sorry for lying about hurting, it just bothers me / I don't like making you hurt and i know that you get so disturbed when I feel so unsecure, but fuck life, suicide - NO, (Why not?) because of her. ((Her eyes are the reason for me to believe in life and that there's a reason, A reason for being so undeniably beaten. Beaten down by people who could care less, but Fuck caring, the world's got me fucking stressed. Suicide's just a way to hide, and I don't like to hide, that shows no pride. And pride is all that I've got left to live off, without it.. shit I'd be lost. )) Shit I'd be lost without you... before you I was lost.. I'm so glad to of found you.. I hope you know that... I love you ***WRITTEN BY PAYNE RAINS (i have to write this now because most people don't believe i write most of this stuff) my mom and dad got married and stayed together because of me.. they wanted me to think they were happy, when all it did was hurt me in the end. - note to parents, don't mess with your kid's mind. Forever - 5/30/2002 I can't help but think about tomorrow, and how it's gonna bring my tears to sorrow.

((the true forever is moments together)) - Courtney Newton Shattered - 5/31/2002

I can change the world with a push of a button, I could rule your soul with a push of a button, I will steal your breath with a push of this button, I have killed you with a push of this button. Shattered - Scattered - Inside your light; Immoral - Immortal - Worship them each night; If I killed your new Gods would you still live? If I shattered them... would you live? Glass-shattering your falseness, Love-hurt by a busted t.v., Shattered. Thursday - 5/31/2002 From a cracked window life seeps into this lifeless hell; From a cracked window the cold air softens this dry room. She is beauty itself in body's form. Message to no one - 5/31/2002 MESSAGE TO NO ONE: So I've written all this silly poetry to hide you from truth, because I know how much it hurts - but what will hurting a little more matter? It's time for anyone who reads the many writings to be told everything I know in puzzles and riddles, because what fun would the lives of anything human be without mystery and intricate enigmas? What fun? So now it's time to laugh. WHY - 5/31/2002

imagine everything that's real, then remind yourself that you're only imagining these things, are they still real? the last kiss from that love, was that real? it was? are you imagining that it was or are you in that moment now? don't you wish to be there now? why can't you be? don't you wish you could live inside a moment for eternity? but, you are - you're living inside the moment people call "eternity"; but how do you know eternity even exists? so, do you even exist? do you question your own existince? why am i here? when was the last time you can remember your innocene? is your innocence a reality? what are you? are you something? nothing? even if you're something you're nothing, none of anything matters - we all die. i don't want to die, i don't want her to die daddy. i can't hold her forever? why not daddy? i wouldn't drop her. tears run dry? but why daddy? i love her daddy, this girl means so much to me. mother, i can't lie for you, i can't tell you i'll be here forever. mr. - why hold her back from life? why do you not let me hold her? i don't understand. i don't have much time. hopeless? why make me hopeless when you could help me, why be so cruel? why are you crazy? i want to be with her mr., please, god? why do i love you? why should you have to ask? i love you because you are more than everything to me, words in themself cannot express or explain or answer why, i can't lie and say something stupid, i don't want to recite a poem as an answer - that would be foolish. you've now entered my mind, you will need more than a boat to not drown inside. then again, i am human - why should i be forced to be? that's why i never imagine love, i live love, i live love because it's real - it's what i feel. i've been hurt, but i get over it, humans do this, they get over things, even though they never forget. i try to live every moment at all times, so i won't lose reality. so i won't forget the feeling of breathing you. cruel - 5/31/2002 cruel . . . Am I confusing you? Think - to always think like I do, Scared to confuse people, So I act stupid. I don't want to confuse you, I love you, And confusement disturbs connection, Connection is all we have, All I could ever want. bReak - 5/31/2002 bReak . why people laugh at loVe, or at rOmance, or pAssion, or even trUst, is because they have never felt it, or - they have and it was broken. would you break my feelings when they feel so good? . stuff - 5/31/2002 You have to have confidence, without it you would crumble; but - I'm so scared. Strengthened emotions sing I love you when the rest of my world has killed me. Intensity is almost too much to bear. If each step is a beat, and each walk a song, then every moment with you is a masterpeice. Fooled out of life by standards, only then would I be inhumane. I feel sorry for those who can't think like me, And I feel pity for those who are conceited, I feel sorrowful pity for myself; I can't relate to myself. I don't need to understand myself, I'm scared into hiding within my skin already. If i got scared, would you open the door for me. If I got tired, would you fight the world for me. Everyone has demons, they just choose to not know them. Everything I feel has already been written before. PASSION IN YOUR LIPS ETERNITY IN YOUR HIPS HEAVEN ON YOUR FINGERTIPS FOREVER IN YOUR KISS Nothing's meant to be forever, but this is something I believe there's a forever, now that I'm with you. Skin has never held such a feeling before you touched me. I could live lie for her, but then this love would be a lie, so I'll stay true. Life holds no walls, Only humans make bricks. Everyone needs time away from thinking. Time to touch the whole of you to reality. Am I touching nothing? The feeling of something that could happen but doesn't, gets me closer to the feeling of true enigma. Why scribble out what could be the best literature in the world? Because - the world seems so far away. You could turn a scribble into a masterpeice with one slide of a pen. Paper should bleed when her name is written, at least breathe, or cry. Don't play like you're not good enough, good is such an understatement of what you are to me. I've given up on giving up. Unseen movements kill the candles. I try not to be a mile away. Little puzzles of myself for you to chew on give you cavities. You're no bitch, you're such an angel that God should worship you. Obsession is love, love is obsession, I love obsession, I obsess about my love. Obsession is humane. Put the bottle to your lips, just to drown your sorrow. The thinker never dies, they just fade with their ink. Deserving; creation thrives inside my veins. Every poet has written of love, but not every has written of mine. I JUST WANT TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL Sad Song - 5/31/2002 SAD SONG I could write you a sad song, I could bring you to tears, The piano hides no expression, The music hides all fears. all inside me - 5/31/2002 FORCED MYSELF TO GROW UP INSIDE MYSELF, MY OUTER SELF STILL 15, BUT IT SEEMS, MY MIND IS PAST DEAD, OLDER THAN MOST HUMAN BEINGS; cry for me. AVOID - 5/31/2002 I see little bits of the devil every time I look. Temps the innocent ; seduces the sad. I have to cry about this, but I laugh to the world around me. Voided hope hurts but I smile to you. The world was precious - now it bleeds of needles; Needles liquidated with sweet deceit that leaves the world swimming in its own casket. The message here - I am trying to tell; AVOID. Life could be so beautifully kept; AVOID. stress - 5/31/2002 This peircing headache fucks with me; Let me settle for something to settle this; Some unkown army that I just pop into my body. beauty - 5/31/2002 Everything that's beautiful in one being, How could something so fragile hold this and not shatter? With everything beautiful comes something horrible; But when all beauty shines through you - there is no impurity. before - 5/31/2002 My soul's suspending from the ceiling, Trying to hold on to itself; it squeezes too tight and dies. The life that it took on its own is now dead. That's the way I felt, before I knew there was you. SUICIDE - 5/31/2002 Razor's Blades Scream Silent Sharpness Through Her Flesh As She Kisses The Last Breath Of Life. Present - - - Night - 5/31/2002 PRESENT It's so cold in this room, The fan entraps the ceiling in dizzying circles... At times I wish I didn't feel need. NIGHT The night is where my soul thrives, Shadows beat my heart, Dark shimmering; I feel at one with the edge of existence - Hearing the rush of unneeded metal on a graveled road that seems but a step away. Myself on the porch. MADNESS-FETISH ESSENCE INSIDE-QUESTIONS - 5/31/2002 MADNESS - Her mouth moves in magical moistness around my fingers - her toungue intensifies my madness.\\\ FETISH - Inviting me to reality, pleasurable pain; I bite my lip; her teeth. ESSENCE - The smell of her perfume, of her body - lingers in my nostrils. As it will - As it will. INSIDE QUESTIONS Some things are best kept to myself, I can't share the world my happiness, I've done that for too long, for why? For if I lived inside questions I would find no answers. But who is to ask them? Am I that worthy? How do I know? Do I ask? \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Perfect\\\\\\\\\ - 5/31/2002 PERFECT Golden shimmers her presence, Her face glowing so perfect, Makes me breathe her. Her eyes are the meaning of life; Her lips curl in such a perfect form that I could die when my eye catches her smile. I thought I knew beauty, I was mistook - I could cry crazy tears of happiness from just one look. Am I dead? I've found heaven. Her hair falls in all the right places. The slightest touch from her skin makes me tremble within. Her angels fight the demons in my hell. Something to live for, Someone to die for. My Goddess - 5/31/2002

My Goddess Soft expressions squeeze themself of wet smoothness that swirls my world into heaven when my body becomes partly her body; but time ran out before mindful indulgence could be fulfilled; good that time still is, without it; I would forever be alone. I could live and die forever endless times inside you. The farthest I've been makes me long for further; I long for further with my goddess. Letter - 5/31/2002 This entry is about no one in general, this is about how I would feel if someone close I love was into drugs. The true forever is moments together - think what would happen if you ended forever; I can't help but think about tomorrow, and how it's gonna bring my tears to sorrow, why bring tomorrow so close? I just want to be near you, hold you close, I wake up thinking of your pretty face and look at the sunday morning paper front page to see your face and read the title entitled "even the strong fall" I just want all this to become nothing, but it's something, even though you play it as nothing, and you know how much that your daddy would care if he woke up in the morning to find his baby girl wasn't there. Baby listen, baby listen, please - listen to me - I don't want to wake up starin' at your pretty face on t.v. it just eats me up inside to think that one line no matter how hard you try to deny it could end the life of something so precious, and tonight you need to realize which friends really care, is it the one who "hooks you up" or the one always there, is it the one who "gets you high" or the one who gets scared / the one who gets scared for your life, the one who truly worries and understands / And if I ever heard or ever got that telephone call I'd slam the phone in to the wall and say my final "Fuck it all" / now I know that you've heard it all the time "oh don't do that it's bad" so I won't feed you that line / I'll just remind your mind to rewind in time enough to realize what you're not only doing to you / I know you can't like that I don't like the drugs that you do/ It's just it's not that, It's just that I fear for your life. I love you. how do you like my new spiffy diary layout? Black Rainbow Crying - 6/1/2002 \\\ Crying is all we have to drain the month out of these sorrowed black-rainbow feelings \\\ black rainbow - comforts me to know I am forced to live torturing my happiness \\\ just an apple could hurt so many \\\ would you love me enough to share the apple... would you love me that much? Why do I even ask, I know you would, I see through the guard, I just had to search as hard as I could \\\ Now I'm happy to know the feelings your words expressions and writings show, I mean I felt them before I just wasn't sure if what I felt was what you were in for \\\ now that I know - I could live in this forever, live in these moments of forevers with you, and trust me - only you /// +++It's 6:30 a.m. and I haven't been to sleep... thoughts of courtney keep swallowing me. Moments - 6/1/2002 I could live in these forevers, and live an infinite forevers more, as long as I would be living them with her. Broken Pride - 6/3/2002 Love the years I've had... they were short and few, as will be years ahead... I tilt my head slightly and laugh - lips curling up my cheek; This is life... this is reality... the laughter, moments of inescapable forevers with her. The laughter of moments that slightly escape my breath; each new forever just awaiting... the past is reminded to me as I fumble through my past belongings - reminding me of laughter I've shared - tears i've bled. Mislead and unneeded pain and sorrow I've felt in this skin I wear. No Jesus could bleed these sins. This road has led me through torments and pleasures past any I could ever imagine; not even now - not even while I sit in the credits. Broken pride for me! This is why I cry my tears to rivers of unending joyousness! Finally - a caring soul. One who understands how caring I truly am. I would never wish this to shatter. This is life; laughter; forever. --Courtney, I miss you, even though it's been just two days... I hope you are safe. I love you, and no doubts have crossed my mind. There is nothing I feel but happiness about you and I. I love you. Suicide (revised) - 6/3/2002 +++I would never commit suicide, I am not a cutter, and have never been... I just love to write from different perspectives, and put myself in other people's shoes. I have to fully imagine myself inside that moment, inside that person, doing what they're doing.. to write like that.. and sometimes it's scary to me, but I do it to better myself as a writer.. so at that note - enjoy. Razor's Blades Scream Silent Sharpness Through Her Flesh As She Kisses The Last Breath Of Life. I bleed tears touching death; from this body I slice my sorrow. Like glass inside my skin tingling; sharp blade cries ecstacy in slit blood. Escaping myself, releasing the demons with cold-sharpness that flows pictures of red; pictures I paint for you. Shiny ballerina dances for me - I let sharpness kiss my wrist; Shiny blade dance for me, kiss me away from all this. Moss - 6/3/2002 A poem has to grow on you.. like moss on the tree.. pointing others in the directions you could never go.. The Water Unknown - 6/3/2002 Co-Written by SilentEchoingDreams. ~hugs~ (I know you need those). The Water Unknown Tilting my face To watch the last Of the cerulean sky As it succumbs To the darkness; Crying in misery Watching the roses wilt. As I see my life Deteriorate To just fragments Of memories; Memories just petals, Petals that fall from me; Crumbling and falling, Until no petal is left, For me to live from; Carried off in the winds of life, The winds that I've never known. So hard I've tried, But so long I've lied, To be showered by the water unknown. You - 6/3/2002 This poem was written by +Courtney Newton, the one whom I love so much. You If there was no sunshine in the sky would you be the sunshine smiling down at me? If there was no rain left falling down sheets, Would you be my tears coming down in salty bliss? If there were no thoughts left to plague my empty head would you still fill my mind? You would still fill my mind. Random thoughts. - 6/3/2002 Mislead direction hurts the weak and kills me tonight. I know that soft pillows are hiding me from the candy lights, still I try to hurt without feeling sorrow. I know that cologne could hide me from you but how does the life I lead revolve around this earth I walk? I don't understand the love I feel for everything because no one else understands it and they take it for granted. I drink nothingness and eat of waste that just bleeds my body of all pureness as does the world. So the world is put here for me, to me, and I get to die inside what I'm given. Sweet dreams and my mind wakes with cavities. Comfortable boredom suits this. Perfect sense. Random thoughts. Gone - 6/3/2002 I'll be gone for a few days without internet.. much love - me. BACK - 6/10/2002 I'm finally back, yay. I just moved into my mom's new apartment.. It's nice... well, enough of the "welcome back" stuff.. back to the writing table. excerpts... - 6/10/2002 here's some short stuff from big stuff i've written.. only my favorite lines... good night. ----------------------------------------------------- "An enigma of endless soft/sweet feelings that last on me; softest expression from and for flesh to feel. Life has never felt as real..." ----------------------------------------------------- "She burns deep inside me like hot grease and scars my mind with the fragile thoughts that I hold as dear as her laughter..." ----------------------------------------------------- "When I can't be with her I dream of her and I can almost feel her breathing again; I can almost feel her breathing again, I can see her in all her perfect ways - In these dreams of what I wish were always..." ----------------------------------------------------- "Bled from red to blue for you; I've found a whole higher plane of worry..." ----------------------------------------------------- Next Yesterday - 6/10/2002 next yesterday.. cold feelings of smooth jello-like softness covers my back - eyes blurring faster daily; hazy. cold sweat from this engulfing cloth. voices ring in my ears singing melodic monotonous songs that my mind is so vacantly remembering. clutter fills the room; i am a piece of clutter. thinking of tomorrow and how my condition ruins all my physical life; mostly. i thank the scientists. tired being life's sacrifice and still having to breathe. i'd rather be dead than have what i do; she's what i need - why i bleed. why i bleed rivers of soft-salty memories and thoughts that are like answers to questions that have no answers. she is the answer to all my unanswerable questions. commitment... hell yes i'd be committed. for her. i am committed. i'm scared from my flesh to my thoughts and my fears escape through my voice when i sing and ring inside other's ears; i pass them from chest to chest. am i being selfish... damnit payne come on payne you know not to be selfish payne it isn't right to forget all else, grow up and be like you should be for them, grow up and learn how you could be for them.... why.... she says i need too. i just want to feel what you feel, she says. i'm there with her, she says. she's always with me. life is life's enigma. i dread next yesterday. good night life. good morning dreams. payne rains I'm past sorrow, I hate myself - 6/11/2002 I was scared that you would be mad at me so I held back, but now for being scared and holding back you are mad at me - I would never lie to you, never - I'm just scared of how you will react, because I know you... I know you care and I know that it was my mistake. I realize you're not mad at me for having friends over, that you trust me, but for not telling you that they were over and who they were without you asking, you are mad. I am so sorry, it was my fuck up. I haven't cried like this since my grandfather died. Why do I always fuck up? It's like a curse I have. I only love her, I could only love her, I just fear making her hurt or making her mad. As the fear faces me for trying to avoid the fear, I break down and cry the heaviest tears of burden, the hardest I've ever cried. ..haha - 6/11/2002 this diary doesn't know the half of me THREE SONGS - 6/12/2002 Ever ------------ Are you cold, are you hungry, do you miss me, when you're lonely, and could you ever - for/get, that you love me? hold me close, catch my fall, mistakes happen - to us all, know that you are the only, for me. Are you hurt? have you bled, Bled the tears that i've shed, do you miss me, when you're lonely, and could you ever - for/get, that you love me? if you walked from me, i'd walk to you, if you ran away, i'd chase after you - through the blue, i just want you to know, that i love you. Am I cold? Am I hungry? Do I miss you, when I'm lonely, I could never for/get, that you love me. If we part, part with time, just remember the times you were mine, remember the times you were mine, mine and only, Are we cold? Are we hungry? Do we miss each other when we're lonely, And could we ever - for/get, That we love each other past infinity. Are you cold, Are you hungry, Do you miss me when you're lonely, and could you ever for/get, could you ever, ever - for/get, would you ever - for/get, that you love me. ----------------- written by payne rains Top drawer ----------------------------- They say I've killed an angel, So pure heaven couldn't accept. But how could I of killed an angel, How could I of killed myself? Innocence is golden, So my streets aren't paved with gold, I wish to walk golden streets some day, But my wishes have past grown old. They say I've killed an angel, So pure heaven can't accept. How could I of killed an angel, An angel can't kill itself. If purity is godly, Then no god soon am I, No jesus could bleed these sins, These sins no god could cry. They say I killed an angel, So pure heaven won't accept. Could I of killed an angel? Could I of killed myself? Fidelity to this imbecility, Pittance of nited acuity, Souls scream shreaks of helplessness, Searching for the bodies of us. I say I killed an angel, So pure heaven will never accept, I have killed an angel, I have killed myself. --------------------- written by payne rains Acres -------------------- You are my ascendancy, Trapped inside these walls - so sick of me, Straight-jacket love and baby-buggy shove, Drain me like you do. Scream your silence over acres, So I'll know your pain, I just want to feel how you feel, Hurt me over and over again. Bumble-bees hum as hummingbirds sting, And tree sap smells too sweet, I just want to feel how you feel, How your shoes feel on my feet. you don't have to try to hurt me for me to hurt, Cavities grow like me, i'd give you my everything - the back off my shirt, To hold no meloncholy. Scream your silence over acres, So I'll know your pain, I just want to feel how you feel, Hurt me over and over again. Bumble-bees hum as hummingbirds sting, And tree sap smells too sweet, I just want to feel how you feel, How your shoes feel on my feet. So don't go growing cold now, When it's just too soon to tell, If there's a heaven other than this, It would sure seem like hell. Even when I grow weak and weary, For you, I'd stay strong. Even when I can't write anymore, I'll still sing this song. So scream your silence over acres, So I'll know your pain, I just want to feel how you feel, Hurt me over and over again. Bumble-bees hum as hummingbirds sting, And tree sap smells too sweet, I just want to feel how you feel, How your shoes feel on my feet. I just want to feel as you feel, How your shoes fit on my feet. ------------------------------ written by payne rains conflict - 6/12/2002 There's always someone with a better story than yours, There's always someone who has had a harder life than you, There's always someone who has written better writing than you, There's always a better poem than the one you will write, There's always pessimists and optomists at conflict. Bend your soul as far as stretching goes until it grasps on to itself like a hinge; conflicting. pencil - 6/12/2002 poems flow from me like rivers from oceans, salty i cry. why put a title, no one cares - 6/12/2002 everyone can write, everyone is a poet, it's all in how you use the pen... i went to the fair yesterday, and drank a shot of some liqour before i went.. the upside down rides were never this fun. today i'm suffering, stiff muscles and worn out legs, this head is hurting and the computer screen is no antidote... all i will ever do is hurt, even when you feel good, the hurt doesn't go away, it hides like a child on a fresh first day of school... hides inside. i just love and appreciate everything, and would never try and hurt, never cheat, but i guess no one sees that because no one else is as i am, they blind themself to lies... they bind themself to hurt... New layout - 6/13/2002 Hmmmm... does anyone like it? Oh, and is that graphic at the top showing up?? DaMnIt, i really like that top graphic! Well, much luv ;-) MIRROR - 6/14/2002 I wish this reflection I see could walk away and take my pain and fears with it, could take the hunger, the strife, and leave me; like we could switch places, then I wouldn't have to cope, but I would long to breathe and cry, and feel, as I do - because my pride won't let me hide. I would shatter me. Each peice laying lifeless on the cold floor coated with dry dust like memories that only come alive in the rain... cold glass... my mirrors shatter. +Moment - 6/15/2002 I fell asleep after a long day of doing nothing as usual. Then I had this moment, this moment in which I felt her body touching mine. In this moment, I was holding her, and her head was pressed to my chest, as it was the night before. I could feel her heartbeat, hear her voice, and see her with me. I felt her, and I felt so complete, but then with a knock on my window she disappeared. My aunt's boyfriend had forgotten his medicine. I had lost the moment, when he left I tried to find it again... tried my hardest... because I knew, that I could remember her while she was gone, by that moment. I miss her, even though a few short days it's been. A cold bowl of cereal awoke my senses and the usual mundane morning ritual began. How I long to call her, even though I know she's not home. shadow me with love - 6/16/2002 we are only but shadows... hold me... then the cold that numbs me won't sting as sharp... hold me... and together we'll shade... we'll shade the world together... with our shadows... I feel us (part 1) - 6/17/2002 I feel the cold of the world seep through our pores and oh how it stings me and those around us, the bitter smell of irony that kicks us softly, but like a misquito; how do these feelings come, these unwanted mood-shifting hormones of teen-dom that fight me and bite me and beat us down - no matter how hard I try we can't escape; sticky salt filled sweat of exhaustion slows us - brakes; these new escapes come in shapes not so unusual to me... my father... knows these shapes and now I know them but oh how I hate them now, how they make me angry and mad and revengeful at the world and the world doesn't need my revenge because the world seeks revenge on itself there is no heaven or hell this is the alpha and the omega we kill ourselves we kill each other we destroy the heaven of earth we are the meek that live our own personal revolutions.. but now i change; i've seen this evil and how it stares me down with it's cold hollow eyes that see deep into me with sharp solid red and hold my blue flowing soul inside its mind - it reaches deep but my armies, they fought back, i know how to fight now, i've learned the hard way, the hard way is the only way to learn it seems, no one learns, no one listens, everyone cheats themselves, and if they cheat themselves of course they cheat others and i have yet to see a pure soul so i've joined the impure, i haven't given up, no - no, i don't give up, that's not me, i've given in, there's a slight difference between giving up and giving in, it's all in how you use the words, like giving through, there's no other way around this mountain, so how will i die? no, not alone, not this time, i could prove the world wrong, i could prove the world wrong, i could prove the world wrong, but... the world's not watching me, i'm watching the world, nobody knows me but the few that i know, these stars and actors on this mindless brain sucking piece of plastic metal that absorbs my brain takes me away, oh how i love to be taken away, to places i know i could never go, but i am there, in my own imagination, oh and on imaginary things, let's talk about my sex life, yeah, how about that? no, let's not, i would, but i might break down, and i'm in too good a mood to break down, but don't look at me like i'm some fifteen year old, like teens can't have sex lives; i hate the parents, i hate the parents, don't you? i hate the parents, not all - i love my parents, my parents taught me everything at age nine, they taught me truth and lies and deceit and hurt and love and care and sex and life, they showed me the true world, they invited me in, and my maturity couldn't help but take another bite until i was finally sucked in like a bag of potato chips, maturity; i get scared when im in the dark, alone, i'm not some pussy that you see on some sitcom that has his hair all gelled up and wants to be freddy prince junior, i just get scared for some reason, my imagination is wild and vivid, and would scare anyone, but it chooses to scare me, so i let it, sometimes i like being scared, it gets my heart racing and my nerves on edge, the feeling of adventure is one i love most, besides the feeling of her, but she is the feeling of adventure to me because this is all new to me, but i'll hide the evidence before the puzzle is solved and change subjects like people do; expressing myself through art isn't good, i have to write, the pen hates me, the pen hates me, people remind me of the pen sometimes, how i want a picture to be so beautiful, but then it turns out shitty like most people i know, how people hurt me, and yes, i am sensative, do these people not care? even though they know, they still don't care, they don't care, damnit why can't they care? just one drop of caring would help me, it would, that's why i love her, she shows me that someone actually cares for me, someone actually can feel for me that i feel for someone, i am finally shocked, this sense of adventure. i have many obsessions, and some of these obsessions i've never even done before, but i know they are obsessions because i think about them all the time, so if i did them, they would become obsessions, i think everyone has those, things they think would become obsessions if they were allowed to do them or had a chance to; i saw the movie scooby doo the other day, and now i have a new favorite movie, i guess it's my kind of funny, i don't know, it just helped me to forget about everything, that's why i write, why i play video games, but isn't that why everyone does things? to escape from thoughts? i guess i write not to escape from thoughts but to get them onto paper so i can realize that i'm thinking about them. like right now, i'm writing less than 1% of my thoughts in this diary in this entry, but no one cares, it seems. i mean, i get the notes, and i love them, but insecurities, they are the bitch, the bitch that hurts me, damn insecurities! why am i insecure? i mean, i should be secure, it's just who i am, and now i realize that you can't escape from who you are, no matter how hard you try. sometimes i think i could throw all my writing away and i would feel better.. like i could rid myself of these things that no one else cares about and be happy.. but then i realize.. then i realize.. that i care, like i had forgotten that i care - for just a moment, i forgot that i care... but we all do that to, am i right? just don't cut yourself of these feelings... adrenaline only lasts so long.. reassurance heals insecurities. i'm lost, well,was, wait, still am (part 2) - 6/17/2002 taking advangtage of taking advantage because advantages have been taking advantage of me, warning labels only make me curious as to if the warnings are lies, the curiousity killed the cat - but i'm no cat, how does god bless some and not all, how can we be let to feel so bad but i guess it evens out the good, why should things be needed to be evened out? I don't need evening, i don't think, unless morning comes and i'm still sleeping, then evening is when i'll be dreaming and dreaming is my favorite release and it's like a gift because i only do it sometimes and when i have one i appreciate it and take it for all it's worth, i worry, but that's me, i worry about everything, even things that need not to be worried about, i worry, but some things need worrying so i get confused which should i worry about and which should i abuse, i'm used, i'm lost, but that's okay, i feel fine now, but that's now and not tomorrow, something tomorrow might piss me off or get me jealous, and i hate jealousy, damnit how i hate that i'm forced to feel it, but i'm so in love that the slightest of slight things make me jealous but i try to hide it from her, but that doesn't work because i can't hide anything from her, i love her to much, but you people don't want to know how much i love her, do you, oh well, this is my diary; funny to think that the internet, first used for the government, is now used for terrorist activists, and other things of that sort, quite funny. that's why the government hides things from the people now, they are scared, and they should be, people hate people, people destroy people, but people = people so they destroy themselves, not in actuality, but hypothetically (love that word), and i can't avoid happinstances, can you? no, no one can.. like my mom and my dad, the fucked up situation of them - don't even ask and i'll tell you, my mom and dad are divorced, but they still date and have sex, i don't get it, but neither do they, so i guess that's okay, at least they don't get it and aren't telling me. but, oh well - that's love, it's fucked up, but that's okay, because people are fucked up. children aren't, but that's why they should stay their age and never grow up, like growing up is torture, slow and painful and it only ends at death, i mean, keep me young somebody, before i lose myself. i've already lost myself but slowly i'm finding bits and pieces here and there, i've found most of myself with her help, so that's a definate plus, but i guess i'll stop rambling on in this entry, i'll find some other entry to ramble on in.. how about the next one? why seal an envelope when it's just going to be opened again? still lost (part 3) - 6/17/2002 ...why seal an envelope when it's just going to be opened again, why hang up the phone when you'll just be picking it up again, why turn off the t.v. when it will be turned on again, why shut off the computer when it's going to be turned on again, why turn out the lights.. you get the idea... well - bills are a bitch, but why pay your bills when you will just have to pay them again? of course, because they'll pile up, and why wear clothes when you just take them off, why wear shoes when you don't need them to be able to walk.... volume levels and tones and pitches express the feelings, but can feelings be truly expressed by words or by touch? by touch is the most evident expression of feelings i've found. If i had a time machine i'd be a time machine bandit, stealing things from the old days and bringing them back here to sell them at auctions... that's the only way i could see to do devilish things like that. but as they say, if you changed one thing in the past, the present and future would be totally different.. but i don't know, i think that things would still work out the same, but just in different ways. oh well, this is getting back into my conversation with my mother about black and white and gray and what level are people on, too much depth of thinking for one night, so i guess i'll end these entries tonight with this one, so - until tomorrow... form - 6/18/2002 i have my own form of rebellion, writing. wind - 6/18/2002 love reminds me of wind, not seen, but felt, spoken by the angels and heard by all. ///// too fast the wind beats you down, too slow the wind gives you chills, just right the wind eases your mind and floats soothingly over your skin and through your clothes like an invisible force of release; rain is like tears when the hurricane comes... girlfriend... - 6/18/2002 girlfriend struck me today, knocked me down inside myself, but oh how i loved this down because her eyes were so strong but sweet and it turned my stomach into a haven of meloncholy ecstacy, oh how nothing phases me with her around, the crisp feel of her hair slightly grazing my fingertips as i hold her and she holds me with fingers intertwined while palms silently kiss. i couldn't live if i was that beautiful, i would die from over abundance, much hurt and trust and jealousy is felt, but that's love, love is wind. loose-leaf - 6/21/2002 music reaches depths the toungue couldn't grasp; grasp me; you ask for revenge; hold me; back, back to where you came from; why do you listen to your ears when it's your eye that cries; fine, let me die, but i won't give in; i won't write cat in the hat rap shit - shit that gets spit - spit evaporates; i can write that, i can write crap, but i choose to Dif-fer, differ into her; you know that there's nothing out there but still you won't give in. you gave in to nicotine filled death of society? you make me cough. smoke rises soft - like tethered feathered wings of doves with no wings, broken love; shove the push till crinkled wisdom eats you from your crafty ignorant rebellion. hold me, you say, hold me? Fuck that, i think inside my mind, where were you when i needed holding? but, i'm not like you so i cry as i feel you against my chest. Face itching now, nails cure the flesh; impatient ass, grab time, taste it; i watch you throw it up and i laugh, you got yours, ask yourself if wait you had then now would not be? then patience would cure your impatient ass. but now like bandages i am, curing you, and i love to; you deserve care - so much better. Gone from me like death today, i can't call. The thunder hits me through this nothing window; rain will wash me into you, through these talking walls, tomorrow, sleep will bring my eyes from this impatient light through the night and into your eyes. let me die inside, let me hide inside, and if you won't, let me love inside. Bitch you say you may be, but an ANGEL to ME - would you BREAK your WINGS? would you WALK THAN FLY? give in, or give up... to lies? temptation? where's your will power? i trust. but i have to be reassured that i'm being no fool, for if fool am i then this love will be shown as a lie; but it's not, nor i hope it will be, please, let it shine like truth. truth like wooden ships, breaks itself through watered sips, sip on lies and your eyes will lie in lies, die inside and hide from good rides; good ride or bad ride... which eye do you confide? mine? why? you ask me this like i'm misplacing bliss, why place me a fool, a tool, a mule slaughtering itself in a loving hell; i love you... accept this love, and this care, and you won't hurt as much as you wish you didn't... i love you. -payne ----------------------- all i had to write on was a sheet of loose leaf paper.. my poetry books were forgotten in a car yesterday, courtney has them - i called courtney today when i woke up, her line was busy... now she's at a carnival with her grandparents. i'm going to see her tomorrow though... much love, me. ----------------------- ...how far - 6/21/2002 if one breath was all i had left in it i'd say i love you, your mother's like a bullet- she's scarred you for life, i hate people that ruin people, they deserve to ruin themself. but in reality, she's giving up on the best thing she could ever have, you are the best thing i could ever have. a rose doesn't begin to express my expressions held inside my soul that are anxiously awaiting their release. i would walk past the end of forever just to hear you, just to see you, just to feel you, just to be with you. without time / prisoner in my own house - 6/25/2002 i've been without time lately, my dad's been over, and my lil cuz, and i can't have me time.. it sucks bad, because i can't find as much time as i usually have to talk with courtney, it sucks, but i can't escape, rgh! stuck stuck like a prisoner... kind of... moved... - 6/27/2002 i've kind of moved to http://www.deadjournal.com/users/browneyedboy/ :-) some stuff... :-) - 6/30/2002 Well, I'm leaving today to go to florida until wednesday, much love, me (payne rains). Cocoon Gone from me like butterfly; Remembrance helps to forget; Boggling myself with myself; Holding nothing but nothing; Alone I feel inside my eyes; Voice cutting me with alone; Gone from me like butterfly. Payne Rains Chain Lock Big toe hurting; false imagination soothes my boredom, Making imaginary hurt seem true; she haunts my mind with her beautiful face – One these fingertips will never reach for again. Deceit thickens my soul ‘till I feel heavy – pulling myself and others down with this blank frown, That cuts me deep. I miss her stare; ignorance growing upon me – mind still in one piece; The world is constantly ending – but just to see her face again; Could make the world spin an eternity; tired boredom bleeds these eyes, Dry from the cocoon; like butterfly; Her face is painted so perfect; I would stare at her portrait ‘till death; But the picture; I cannot see; For it is out of the reach of me. Wishing that what I had said would have changed what is, Like time could rewind & I could change; Change this wrong from black to white; Fault, I hold it to my chest, Misplaced blame; I was the tool – the fool; Should’ve kept my feet planted; Flying feels so possible now. Payne Rains & Shawn Tuttle This song is escaping with me I'm scared, My heart's burning and the air is tight, Harder to breathe, I know I should've stayed home. I can't call her; Four calls missed. I miss her, I love her, I trust her, But I'm scared, Scared that she'd forget these things, I'm scared, I hear nothing else right now; There's two people here but I don't see anyone. Ignoring them. Going crazy, Damn I love her, Two weeks - such a long time, I'll escape with this music, I'm scared. Payne Rains Busy - 7/23/2002 I've been busy lately... well.... courtney and I broke, I miss her, but that's what time does... heh, I guess I'll have to like single life... Well, look forward to more poetry - oh i've worked on my website lately - http://browneyedboy.cjb.net/ check it and tell me what you think :-) much love, me... PS:DAMN, It's been almost a whole MONTH since i've written in here, damn, lol :-) much love - 7/25/2002 Just thought I'd say hey again... Not much to write about, well, much love to everyone... Things... - 7/28/2002 I think I'm going to my dad's today. Well, It's 4:00a.m., and i think I might go take a nap. I chatted w/ charlotte for a while, and helped her with her diary. I am still helping her now... It's taking a while because you have to edit each individual page and find each individual line and script and number to edit. But, anything for one of courtney's friends. She found a look on someone elses diary that she liked, so I'm going to change her diary to that look. I'm going to call courtney later today, and if she wants help with her diary, I'll help her. Charlotte told me that courtney doesn't know what she left behind, or something like that, and i feel that if courtney wants to run back and pick up what she left, I'm here waiting. But, I don't know, I don't know if anything I ever do or say or am will change things, but I always hope that they will. I've changed my diary look, and I knew that would change.. I just wish that everything could be as easy, well, actually, that required work too. I better eat something before I pass out, and then finish char's deadjournal. I also have to make some other flyers for these guys in a local band, no one will help them so I offered my help, I can't let them down. Heh, I used red hair dye the other day, and when I did, I didn't use gloves, and it turned my fingernails pink. Courtney kept raggin my shit about it :-P. It WAS hair dye :-). I hate that chelsae has to go home, she's cool, and i know when she leaves court will miss her, I will too, and so will danielle. Time.. heh.. i've written of that before, and about how much I hate it at "times". Courtney got the computer in her room :-), thaz cool, i've been trying for years to let my mom put my comp in my room, she will once she gets a computer (soon). I hate people lookin over my shoulder, or just - being in the same room when I'm chatting or something - writing in my diary for example. I was just thinking of how nice robyn is, and i hope austin doesn't drive courtney crazy, lol. Her dad was cool yesterday, he didn't flip when she asked to stay until 2. He's a very cool guy at times, when work gets him stressed though... ;-). I need to read three books before school starts... I should've already read them, but I've been writing, not reading. Well, I better eat like I said before, My stomach's hurting, growling, and asking for food. 'til later, much love. "What do you tell yourself?" "A lot of things" "Like what?" "Things" "Tell me before I beat your ass!" "Like, us being together again" --------------------------- Demons inside me, Angel beside me, Steal my breath away, Girl, beat my heart for me. --------------------------- Acceptance is virtuous, Beauty changes emotion, Change me, Change me, Kiss me with your smile. --------------------------- Softness from those lips, And love expressions; Help me live; Night no longer exists, Brevity. --------------------------- Sweat falling from me like hurt; The sun shines heavy upon me today; Love is beauty; The stitches to the cut of hurt. --------------------------- I'd go out of my way for anyone, I'll throw my heart to you. Once you have it... what will you do? A few lot of some much... - 7/31/2002 The past few days I've been at my dad's, and some stuff happened. I found out that courtney broke her computer :-(, but I'm trying to help her with it. The first night at my dad's house I stayed up with mike, and we read poetry. I read him some of my stuff, then he read me a little bit of his stuff. Joe came by, he's a really cool guy, he sings his ass off and has a little band somewhere, or did have and him and I played some guitar together, kind of a colaboration. I played him some songs I wrote, and one that I fixed up some chords to the night before when I stayed up with mike. He did some back up vocals while my dad picked a little lead, we just chilled all day and played music. The next day I went to my grandma's because my dad wanted to ask her for help for painting the house, and I ended up having to stay and help my grandma box things up; she's moving. Emily, who I'm in some relation to, I think, is 20 and just moved down, she's about 5'4", with blonde hair, cute face, and a wonderful personality. She was at my grandma's when I went and helped. I called courtney from my grandma's because i didn't want her to think i forgot about her and wasn't calling. We went to Ryan's then my grandma took me back to my dad's house. I was grateful because I wanted to get back on the guitar and work on two other songs I had written. Well, no chords have fit with those yet, but I'm working on them still. My dad taught me a few more of his songs, about six, and I used some tabs on some white stripes stuff to play along with their music. That night we stayed in a hotel room that my grandma had comped. Boone and Shantel (shantel used to be my baby sitter, and my uncle used to.. well.. still has a "thing" for her. she's really cool, but she's into some horrible stuff, i think boone is too, but anyway...) were at my dad's house and came with us to the hotel. Boone's cool, he listened to my music and stuff and gave me praise, which I was greatly appreciative of. I went skateboarding at the hotel and played guitar in the hotel room, and skateboarded in the hotel room... heh... It was hot as hell in the hotel room, and we didn't have any drinks or food or anything; but I had music and writing so I was okay. I stayed up until 6:00a.m. to go down to the complimentary breakfast thing (it was from 6-9), and I was the only one there when I went, which was cool, I felt like someone famous or something- going to the hotel and walking to the breakfast bar in the morning, having a cup of orange juice and blueberry muffins... I was hungry as hell, so - thank the heavens above for complimentary breakfast. I went back into the room then fell asleep, woke up at 11:00, then stayed up all day... playing music and stuff. Finally around 7 i got to sleep.. then I woke up at 1am because my throat was hurting; my throat had been hurting since the night before the night before because on that night I sang one of my dad's songs accoustically, but he had me scream the words (in tune of course) like I was on stage, and I ripped my vocal chords, and I've been using them the past couple days too, so - that didn't help. I woke up, and there was nothing to drink, go figure. Any way, the next day I realized that the phone line was disconnected. I didn't want courtney to think I was ignoring her or something so I went over to the neighbor's house and asked them if I could use their phone, and i called and we made plans for thurs. to pick up our schedules then go to the beach if it's not raining. I went back over to my dad's and played more music, then a different joe came over and we went skateboarding. Later that night I got sick of boone and all the people and asked my dad to bring me to moms, so now, here I am, still writing and playing and learning music, I've been up all night, and it's 10:15... I HAVE to get back on a reg. schedule. Well, much love, bye bye. ++The song that everyone i've played it to loves is called "Metal" and i think my band name, when i work it out with vicki, will be called "Infancy" ---Payne Rains chameleon - 8/23/2002 i spent the best of my so-far life with you, now i'm broke, like we spent it all on a summer... but time fills our pockets, and change is good - call me chameleon. my other diary may be shutting down, so i might move back to this one I'm baaaaaaaaaack...... hehehehe - 9/25/2002 I'm finally back, heh - just realized that I have nothing else better to do, so I think I'll start writing in here again. I'm not single anymore.. but i think i will be soon, not sure.. Well, much love everyone - Payne Rains. Need help with your diary? well, soon - i'll be writing an entry with instructions on how to do some cool stuff.. sorry about not helping before - i've been extremely busy, still am, i might be moving to california at the end of this school year - but i still have time. ------------------ Bedtime Stories Silent screams, Interrupted dreams, Daddy's daughter's worst nightmare. Tainted blood, Black rose bud, Once a home - now a dungeon lair. Scarred memories, Bedtime stories, Born to be the wingless dove, Horrid frights, From the nights, When daddy shared his love. ----------------------------- "Dove in Cage" Radiance; Mortal Aphrodite, A mirror's contrariety, One laugh could kill enmity. Eye's refuge, Strands shaded golden, Shoulders catch beauty. Impeccant body, Searching, Something just love me please, Somebody please, Someone I love - please love me, Just once is all I'll ask, But it's asking too much - too hard a task, So I'll stop asking, I've tried to swing these screams away, It just won't work, I'll be hurt - I've been hurt, I know hurt, But still I stand strong, Like a tree I've been through storms, I've cried these tears like branches fallen, But still I stand strong, Let me cry - these are my eyes, This is my life - my mind, Get your own. You'll never know what's behind these baby blues, What am I to you? That's irrelevant now, What am I to me? Like Visine visions - now I see, She has love enough to curl the world into a smile, Then make it laugh. This dove in cage. ------------------------ Hurt Paper-cut headache of tumorous words, Spoken from ravens; never a dove. The wine has been poisoned boy, Why don't you run? "I love confusion and hurt sounds like fun", I can't let go of what I am clinged, Like honey comb sweetness, shaken I sting. Sting just enough to watch you swell, Leave you alive because life's the true hell. ---------------------------- -If love was like a coupon, -then life would be as emphatical as a valentine card. --If Life is your paintbrush, --We are all abstract murals. ---I want to see your face so bad, ---But it's hard to see... ---When you drown my eyes in tears, ---And just - up and leave. ----I kind of like being alone, ----it makes me realize how much better it is to be with someone. ------------------------------- I'm finally back, heh - just realized that I have nothing else better to do, so I think I'll start writing in here again. I'm not single anymore.. but i think i will be soon, not sure.. Well, much love everyone - Payne Rains. Need help with your diary? well, soon - i'll be writing an entry with instructions on how to do some cool stuff.. sorry about not helping before - i've been extremely busy, still am, i might be moving to california at the end of this school year - but i still have time. Creative Writing (Journal#1) - 10/29/2002 I have Creative Writing as a class this nine weeks, this is my first journal - following this will be other journals, warm ups, poems, etc. And - EVERYTHING in this journal is my writing! Nothing in this journal is written by any other than myself - all poetry, songs, everything - solely written by me, payne rains. Thank you much - and much love to you! Journal #1 - October 18, 2002
"Opinionated View"

The opinionated mind is subject to critique. I feel as though mine is today. All lost may return or find itself. Shelter something and what it does not know will grow heavy upon it, for curiousity is a seed. These flowers, when grown, will be found wilted. If you have no boundries then you will set your own. If your boundries are set by others, you will try to push upon them. The imaginary lines of society ar "irony in a nutshell", for they are not imaginary (no, my dear friends, they are not). They are drawn out like pictures of the past, present, and future. Sure, we are the brainwashed majority (we, being all of us) - school, church, etc., but isn't this what the world needs? Structure? The world is but a bridge and we are its support. Our world, at the moment, is but a swaying suspension bridge and we are cars on the way to our jobs and our homes and we are talking on our cell phones watching people jump off the side of this bridge and we don't even care! Who are we? We are all computers, giving outputs only from the input we recieve. I am no computer. Ask yourself, are you? Nothing is anyone's fault... yeah, right. If your attitude and actions effect others, then why do most people not seem to care? The clock is but a waste of time, my friends. We are all made-up men and women masking models from the magazines and movies; the produce of the media. We are milk for the bones of society, and our society has carpel tunnel. Payne Rains Creative Writing (Journal #2) - 10/29/2002 Journal #2 - October 20, 2002

"Unknowing of Today"
Soft light hits me through imaginary pane. Slightly stuffy, this room of arithmatic, like many sunny summer days; in a room soon to be sweat-filled. Literature, literature, literature. Oh, how the day drags. The day is an injured horse awaiting rest and I am as its trainer. Chalk on board; shivers down my spine! Oh how I hate that sound. If I were that chalk, I would kill myself! The dry mixture of striking, hurtful, hideous, horrible, horrid elements making a "scratch-scratch" upon the board... Finally, after this deep breath the horror is over, leaving Tuesday's assignment where it left. I feel curious. Payne Rains Creative Writing (Journal #3) - 10/30/2002 Journal #3 - October 22, 2002
"A Verse for the Day"
Today, being a day like all other days - in which the sun rises and falls and the birds chirp, I feel like writing a verse of love. The reason, oh my beloved reader, is that my feelings are not that which they once were. I feel as if I am in love. Oh! What a beauteous creature this love is! The extra beat in the heart, the everlasting feeling of just one moment beside her is why I write now! Forever I shall write, but if for forever feelings for her last; then it will all be for her. "Like Our Souls are Petals on the Same Flower, Together we Blossom; Apart We Wilt." ¶ Like our souls are petals, ¶ On the same flower, ¶ We shall blossom. ¶ Weak without you, ¶ For my love stays within your heart. ¶ Each smile makes my mind, ¶ Reflect upon senses of happiness, ¶ And forget the everlasting disease of, ¶ Falseness and cruelty. ¶ You trust! ¶ Oh my love for you - a must! ¶ Melted I am now upon the floor - for, ¶ One more I love you - just one, ¶ More - and I'll return the words! ¶ My words will then be like waves upon the shore. Payne Rains randomness - 10/30/2002 well... my life's so weird now, i feel like writing random nothingness - hey WE ALL LOVE RANDOM NOTHINGNESS! it's an actual form of writing too :-P. Well, much love friends.. 'til we die tin can man has crushed himself of lifeless heartache where no heart once was. the children are screaming and writing in scribbles of love and things they think are true. the lights are hitting through the air so tight but weak like the light is full of cancer. sweet swallows follow by tooth hollowed; the roots sprout only beauty. funny visions like dreams of acid rain along the eyebrows of mental patients swinging "back and forth, back and forth" in their plastic chairs. metal horses like circles and red mustang hearts bleed to gasoline. like a beer belly is a side effect of a mullet the cows begin to chirp. technological fact filled fun - this world has become a machine! Little boy did not know that life is to short for a man... and the man is too short for a woman so sweet and beautiful but harsh and shallow like there was no woman but a girl in the smallest proportion. Shower with butter to cleanse the pans of loud whispering. Skip from one to the next if tiresome feelings are necessary enough to haunt the nightmares of a marshmallow. I heard it from a man, like golf was a sport the air hockey is attacking. sweat is rolling like wallpaper painted on by a toothbrush by midgets singing the songs of the seven dwarfs. comical trees commit suicide. where is the knife made of feathers. where is the heart made of cotton. the stick and slab of crunching rice like popping isn't enough for the criminal to enjoy. green glows from circle beside. light from above the underneath of gloves; latex tables were made by a sheep. flying above mushroom clouds of black rainbows and expressions are only false when the invisible laughter screams. ingenious ideas are made by the less of the two men who conversed beside the water fountain and the mountain was only an inch high, said the worm. apples take on purple and gray like there was no cylinder of hurt. the floppy flags in the wind oh! how the window is like an execution. kill the flowers. Randomness - 11/1/2002 randomness 10/30/2002 well... my life's so weird now, i feel like writing random nothingness - hey WE ALL LOVE RANDOM NOTHINGNESS! it's an actual form of writing too :-P. Well, much love friends.. 'til we die tin can man has crushed himself of lifeless heartache where no heart once was. the children are screaming and writing in scribbles of love and things they think are true. the lights are hitting through the air so tight but weak like the light is full of cancer. sweet swallows follow by tooth hollowed; the roots sprout only beauty. funny visions like dreams of acid rain along the eyebrows of mental patients swinging "back and forth, back and forth" in their plastic chairs. metal horses like circles and red mustang hearts bleed to gasoline. like a beer belly is a side effect of a mullet the cows begin to chirp. technological fact filled fun - this world has become a machine! Little boy did not know that life is to short for a man... and the man is too short for a woman so sweet and beautiful but harsh and shallow like there was no woman but a girl in the smallest proportion. Shower with butter to cleanse the pans of loud whispering. Skip from one to the next if tiresome feelings are necessary enough to haunt the nightmares of a marshmallow. I heard it from a man, like golf was a sport the air hockey is attacking. sweat is rolling like wallpaper painted on by a toothbrush by midgets singing the songs of the seven dwarfs. comical trees commit suicide. where is the knife made of feathers. where is the heart made of cotton. the stick and slab of crunching rice like popping isn't enough for the criminal to enjoy. green glows from circle beside. light from above the underneath of gloves; latex tables were made by a sheep. flying above mushroom clouds of black rainbows and expressions are only false when the invisible laughter screams. ingenious ideas are made by the less of the two men who conversed beside the water fountain and the mountain was only an inch high, said the worm. apples take on purple and gray like there was no cylinder of hurt. the floppy flags in the wind oh! how the window is like an execution. kill the flowers. Love Plague - 11/1/2002 I love inspiration, it smacks my mind like a headache/// If love had a face it would not smile, It would weep the sorrows of many. It would say commitment is foolish, And that lust, in itself, cannot love. It would tell of lies and deceit, It would sweat of hurt and conceit. Laugh, it would not! Scream, it may - for the life of love, it has been crushed like a heart. A paper heart, it would say, it is, The paper of itself having been torn apart; Love is a mere collage. Its face would not attract the many; For love used to be beautiful. Like a queen who's crown has melted upon her head and her face left scarred. If love had a face it would not smile, It would plague the world. -payne rains ::::there is no such thing as best 11/3/02 - 11/3/2002 first version.. this is definately just the first version of this - i thought of it while i was lying in bed about to fall asleep and i had to write about it.. the grace of a raven Be she, an angel, then who hath her wings? For night and day both with sorrow bring; Rivers of lies, distaste, and salt-filled sorrow... For if us cannot be, then for me there be no morrow. The smell of her hair still lingers, as memories of her caress upon my fingers; for passed through such strands of black, her ambrosial thoughts do not near lack. But time is but a murderer, the unseen assasin of love, Shooting down hope, strangling wishes without a glove; This blood falls from inside, and passes through thine eye; Into the cup - of thy lovers' sigh. Then this love, heavy with such dismay; Perishes as all life, dies, and fades away. Prodigal Poetry - 11/5/2002 i wrote this two years ago, in french.. oh well.. here
I Savoir Votre Amour


Je amour / votre amour, Votre amour / de affectueux moi, Votre amour / comme haut comme / a aviation colume, Que see / comme beau comme / poivoire etre.
I Savior / votre amour, Il es clair / verse moi, Quel es votre / amour faire de? I voiloir / le recette, (repeter un)
Votre amour / be soin pat / etre rai, Pour pres / volunte jamais / etre brise. --payne rains ENGLISH TRANSITION:
I know your love

I know your love, Your love of loving me. Your love as high as a flying dove, That is as beautiful as can be. I know your love, It is clear to me, What is your love made of? I want the recipe. (repeat 1) Your love need not be spoken, For it will never be broken. --payne rains i know it sucks - but it took a while to do the french thing.. I'm making a book compiling all of my writing... and pictures... and i'm having my friends put something in it that they want to contribute... is this a good idea? :-P much love to all... Slave - 11/7/2002


No swooning coo; not a jestful whisper; or even an inspiring touch of flesh could pull me from this. Not a heart-attack, or death itself - it being so near and dear to my every move, could pull me back. Not a muse, not a whore,not an angelic child - could pull me towards them. For, my pens are the shackled chains and my notebooks are like the metal ball. Writing enslaves me. --payne rains so.... - 11/8/2002 the sweet sacred juice of fresh apples slide down my soft sickened throat. call me Adam. my jeans sliced as crazy mirror-like patterns of my sullen soul. the circled morning was blinded by white mystery the last time i gazed to the swirling sky. tickle me with kisses. love is a bar of soap - to the metaphorical aspect of writing, such a wasteful line. all lines were and are and will forever be wasteful. maybe one spark of inspiration, one light in the catacombs of some mind filled with darkness; one smile; maybe. the only reason for not reasoning is that reason is as reason will always be; reasonable - and I am feeling rebellious. Metal pot on plush softness in my view; take the remote of life and smash it upon the ground. then happiness will surge through me; happiness will flow over you. like happiness is a wave of occurance; you shall be loved. each day an episode; each year a saga; and each life a waste - slice me into bits. throw intricacy into a pit of thought; and it will become the volcanic ingenuity of time. fish smell better when cooked. --payne Revision... in the process. - 11/10/2002 ( it's as if you taste their soul... (( A kiss, as if souls share each other; switching bodies for just a moment ((( A kiss from tips of lips - our souls share each other; swirling in each others bodies for the moment (((( This bliss! A kiss from tips of lips - our souls share each other; swirling in each others bodies for the moment... hearts are merely messengers of love; ring my doorbell, and I shall answer ((((( the doorhandle of love is but a hand and now our souls are touching (((((( walk inside this house of mine, and you shall find it to be a house of mirrors ((((((( and, lost - you will be forever, for - I lock my victims inside (((((((( This bliss! A kiss from tips of lips - our souls share each other; swirling in each others bodies for the moment... hearts are merely messengers of love; ring my doorbell, and I shall answer... the doorhandle of love is but a hand and now our souls are touching. Walk inside this house of mine, and you shall find it to be a house of mirrors and, lost - you will be forever - I lock my victims inside. ((((((((( I wish to be that book; the one in her palms. To be her school desk - for she, is my admirable headache. For if her lips were made of poison then I welcome death! If her hands made of daggers, cut me. If her eyes brighter than the sun itself - blind me. If her hair that of thorns; prick me. Oh horrid dream! That she might not hear my plea. In front of me she now is, like the gods above are showing mercy! Such bliss is this! To touch the tender tips of lips - our souls share each other; swirling in each others bodies for the moment... and what is this? a toungue? like a given rose! Where my knees once were the floor now is. I am not the fool of greed. hearts are merely messengers of love; ring my doorbell, and I shall answer... the doorhandle of love is but a hand and now our souls are touching. Walk inside this house of mine, and you shall find it to be a house of mirrors and, lost - you will be forever - I lock my victims inside. And no one hears the thoughts of a mere day-dream. --payne rains from the school desk - 11/15/2002 this is just a note - - if i write one more line of love i will explode; so - for a while now i will write differently; time for a style change - goodbye 00 (im in my creative writing class right now) Apple Slices - 11/16/2002 Scar-like river of flowing damask, Down flesh that thought itself dry. In this burn my hands now bask, Damming the reason I cry. Slicing fruit was once enlightening, But the metal grew itself eyes. And struck my skin - like lightning, Bringing my foot to its demise. --payne

. . damask: red burn: river, stream bask: bathe damming: to dam, block scatter brained - 11/17/2002 chilled last night, got thought struck by a lost train. the scream of a useless machine through the night took our eyes to dreams. soft metal cylinder like sweetness was only its own. where does the rain go, where do the clouds go, where does the sun go, where does the night go, why do we starve.?. what about love - like me I try but die inside like the night was made of knives and tonight i heard the words and verbs collect themselves together on her toungue and i knew the words that she would speak from her mind before she did because i knew them too well - why do we bleed. why do you hurt, i know you hurt - I KNOW YOUR hurt I KNOW i know I KNOW you don't want to hurt PLEASE then PLEASE let me hold you, comfort you, take you away, comfort your soul... take you from pain - chilled last night, got thought struck by a lost train. the scream of a useless machine through the night took my eyes to dreams. soft metal cylinder like sweetness was only its own. but sweet dreams like these and my mind will wake with cavities. -payne .

(don't ask :-P) 11/17/02 - 11/17/2002

here's the first of two pictures i did for whitestripes.com - and they accepted it, just thought i'd share them with you.. i'll post some of my artwork at another time, much love to all - payne rains.

------ 11/17/02 - 11/17/2002 here's the second picture of the two i submitted that were accepted - much love

11/17/02 - 11/17/2002 here's the second picture of the two i submitted that were accepted - much love

11/17/02 - 11/17/2002 here's the second picture of the two i submitted that were accepted - much love

11/17/02 - 11/17/2002 here's the second picture of the two i submitted that were accepted - much love

Guitar Man - 11/18/2002 hey guitar man, can you play me the blues? i'd like to - walk around - in - someone elses shoes, and if you spare me - your time, i can spare you my quarter N dime. I said - you won't find no love here, down on palmer drive.... cuz my baby done up and gone - she left me all by my lonesome, left my heart in the telephone. oh - you won't find no love here, least not on palmer drive... (lead) oh - when you hear me callin, baby - just let it ring... cuz the only sound you hearin girl, are my tears - yes - listen to them sing, (guitar solo) (acapella) hey guitar man, can you play me the blues? i'd like to - walk around - in - someone elses shoes, and if you spare me - your time, i can spare you my quarter N dime. my nails were painted black - 11/19/2002

im sitting here scraping off the black nail polish... smells like a sweet alcohol... the bottle is pink and in my hand; a cloth absorbs its wetness. from this - my nails become their original fleshy self. my parents are out being fools; like they never had an adolescence - gambling the night away like the moon was a $5.00 chip. have you ever felt that feeling like you are going to get in trouble but you haven't done anything? i wish it was cold... and with a few footsteps and a quick throw of the switch i hear a "click". the air rushes in. fools rush out, i guess - but why am i still sitting here. headache rushing in like a midnight train; sleep will numb me of this throbbing pain. but when day falls i'll need a silent army to kill the throbbing. relaxed; foot is asleep - 11/23/2002 decisions are like chinese finger traps... how i wish to sleep and wish to write and wish to think but i... wish too much... i am confident. is it you i pursue or some divine thought or feeling; it is you... you are like a carnivorous prey; like i'm being stalked by my own game... but i like this game... this never ending game... sweet but soft; light but heavy; black but white; rough but smooth; fast but slow... i wish perfect was a true word. --payne stress? anyone? - 11/26/2002 school's a bitch - but hey - tomorrow a half day, then we're out for thanksgiving - fucking hurricanes - we would be out this whole week if it weren't for them... i'm taking my intermediate driving test tomorrow - wish me luck... and shopping for a car sat... drove to the music store tonight - it was closed. i'm stressed, and i'll write when i'm feeling better. it's too hot in this house, and my mom is giving me a headache. the only thing keeping me PARTIALLY SANE is my girlfriend.well. bye. fuck fright - 11/27/2002 well i'm feelin like a bookmark; a false start; a caught shark; fuckin stuck like some tree bark - i got no life; but i do got strife; holdin' on to my one and only hopeful, bright light; but hopes' like, a dulled knife - there's no use anymore - everything you see has got a price; and we've all got our prices to pay- why can't i just - pay em all off today; get rid of the gray so tomorrow might be o-kay; ----- but no, i gotta move slow - take each moment as-it-goes; cuz, everywhere i look someone's looking back, just trying to start somethin; talkin smack; but if you wanna talk shit to me; watch me walk by - so peacefuly; ignorin boring people til i'm pissed off- like you twisted - my motha fuckin' - cap off; pulled my - hat off; lemme get my baseball bat off - this stupid ass tablecloth; now i'm steamin like a kettle; time for us to go to bettle - battle - fuck whatever - just lemme get ready for this stormin weather; 'til my eyeballs like two boilin' eggs, veins poppin out; tension through my legs; say it one more time so i can hear you right; fuck fright; i just might; spare your wasted life; fuck fright; i just might; spare your wasted life; fuck fright; i just might; spare your wasted life. (repeat x2) the Apex of Hell - 11/27/2002 i Watch your Heartbeat smile My name Through it's Commander's lips; The river Of blood Through veins So protected By soft Skin; how Much i Need you. I would Give you My breath If it Would mean You could Live my Span of Time in Your own; But together We shall Suffer - only Us being Our distraction From; such Torture as Life. Are we Each diseased; Let us Rot of Our pleasure. truths Are untruthful; And lies Aren't false. For a Penny i'd Prove myself Wrong. Sounds help Us escape The Apex of Hell. And in time; time itself will - help us escape time - like a roomate disturbed of another presence. --payne ...i'm just bored - i don't care how sucky it is, lol - finally - THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY "Be only who you're supposed to be; what you're trying to be; when you're supposed to be; where you're supposed to be; why you're supposed to be." --payne "we are society's doormat" "we are what we are because we act like we are... no need to study us like guinea pig." Calamity of the Run-on Poem - 11/29/2002 Dire distress drains the day; This seat has shaped itself into a drainage pipe; Expression is release but life binds; People hurt... I hurt... I cry... We all do.. but, I just might feel like telling a lie!!! so what?!? So what if I just clam up and give up? But there's a pearl inside of this clam.. Somewhere I do give a damn; I do care; I do want for you - what I don't want for myself - I want it better for you; I want you to love; I want you happy; I want to love you; Like I am (not trying to be sappy) - But I am. I am sappiness - like I am rolling off a tree, slowly - sticking to myself in my own thoughts and my own words and my own love - I am sap. I bring your soul to joy; Your face to smile; Your eyes to brighten... and Your hair is like a river of flowing licorice and the fish are jumping through the strands so much like fingers that... they are!! and I see nothing past you, but your heart I hear... and your breath I can taste; Your smell engulfs me like I am a sandbar; Like I am a cherry atop a fresh scoop of lovable ice cream; As I slide down the side of the scoop I am covered; later remembering by one of the five senses; and you are my sixth sense... --payne ----i hope you enjoyed this... poet. - 11/30/2002 my words are parasites; tapeworms - like horrid putrid carnivorous leeches; clinging within catacombs inside my funhouse-mirrored cranium; nerve endings overfilled with everlasting nouns; adams apple sticks in my dry throat from adverbs; veins pulsating with life-line verbs; scrape my flesh of them with my pen... scrape my mind of them with my voice... poet.

. --payne "simplicity is depth; for if the truth in such a minute-thought verse be known - you would drown on the surface" -payne Growing You A Heart - 12/2/2002 freeverse search for true verse.. the search for a true poem can no longer exist; for such a wasteful search would it be... only thoughts reworded are now; then was the true; then was the pure; then was the essence of poetry - but still! i return to my roots; i write of me; i write of what surrounds me, i write of the love, the hate, the things I feel - so do you; if not write them you feel them and if not feel them then then a cold hearted soul you must be! poor slave of society; poor heartless beast - let me warm you with these words... let them touch your skin and drip through to cover your soul - growing you a heart! if not by ease - then by force... WRITE ME LIKE CUT VERSE; HOLD ME LIKE YOUR HANDS ARE MADE OF BUTTER - LIKE YOUR EYES SHOOT THE FLAMES OF HELL - BUT SOOTH YOU? I DO! SOOTH YOU - LIKE YOU WISH YOU COULD BE SAVED - I PRAY - NO, TO NO GOD - FOR GODS ARE FALSE AND I AM OF NO FALSITY; PROVE ME FALSE? SURE! PROVE ME A SLAVE TO SOCIETY - UNNEEDED! FOR I KNOW I AM, I KNOW THIS, I KNOW I'M BARCODED LIKE A NUMBER STUCK ON SOME FABRICATED PLUSHIE -I'M A NUMBER STUCK INSIDE THE ELEVATOR OF LIFE; ALL I GET IS PRESSED UPON - PUSHED AROUND - FUCKED WITH... HOLD ME. TAKE ME FROM PAIN - STRESS - LIFE!! WHERE SHALL THE MOON RISE TOMORROW? CARE I DO NOT! WHY? I DON'T CARE - WHO STARES? WHO DARES STARE???!? WHY DO YOU? DO YOU NEED SOMETHING? I KNOW LIFE - I know hate.. I know that this could touch the heartless beast, the screaming; the screaming; the beating; heart beating now - drip through to your soul! growing you a heart. - payne. 16 - 12/8/2002 had my birthday party friday - i'm 16 now... i'll write more later, but for now - much love. My Kingdom Is Dying - As Yours. - 12/9/2002

My Kingdom Is Dying - As Yours. like an army of shattered thorns down my soft sullen throat, the sickness swells like sore skin tonight; the dryness - call medicine "Your Highness" for the body feels no longer pushed down or exiled but as a miracle, the heart is skins' citizen - hear the city roar - sleep now, my humble soul does - sleep now. --payne "Without love the word would eat itself dry of hatred - cry without a tear and then the waterfalls will sing your song." Ode - 12/9/2002 Ode "L" is for the way I love her... "A" is for such admiration... "U" is for our unity... "R" is for realism... "E" is for eternal bliss... "L" is for the way she loves me...


"P" is for pleasure... "A" is for adore... "N" is for these numbing feelings... "G" is for godliness. --payne Rosary; laughing powder nose - 12/10/2002 i didn't know a rose could walk or talk until today; well - i've seen it bloom smiles. i'm sure many thumbs bleed from trying to grasp its love; but i just admire the petals. how does such a walking rose smell? my eyes think - the sweetest. must she water herself? must she. --payne ~The Poet's Notebook~ - 12/11/2002 I received a new poetry book today - here is what i have wrote in it so far, hope you enjoy. much love - payne. ----------------------------------- I am prepared for anything, For I have been through It all. I have seen it all therefore I have have no need to travel; I have been on trial, drowned, executed, and forgotten - I have lived every man's life - for I am a poet. --payne ----------------------------------- A finger pointed is often accompanied by one of its two friends - laughter and curiousity. ----------------------------------- Inspiration smacks my mind like headache - throbbing thought through my imagination. ----------------------------------- MAKE-UP LIKE MAGGOT-FLESH!!! SLASH YOUR BEAUTY with a powdered Blade. FRAGRANCED lady. --payne ----------------------------------- Writing needs not a title; for in itself the subject should be understood. --payne ----------------------------------- I've learned nothing in highschool except the fact that teacher's pay is fair - and I've learned on my own account that creativity causes jealousy; and every man enjoys envy - but despises being an envious man; life ironic. --payne ----------------------------------- No man is perfect; as with his own poetry. --payne -----------------------------------\--\\ Think of a man without thought; the next cursed man would be one whose thoughts are not his own. --payne --------------------------------------- The elbow of life could be at a peaked position; or for most - like pushed appon a table. maybe that man's fortune would let the table be his own - and not one elses - raise up. --payne -------------------------------------- Hope is like a sock - luckily..... one can find it; even more lucky is the man who finds a sock which fits or doesn't fail him. --payne -------------------------------------- I don't think of poetry as a game; more as an adventure that begins with the first word like the first step. --payne -------------------------------------- A man comfortable with his pen is a man more comfortable than the man comfortable with his finance. --payne --------------------------------------- Words are footprints in the sand of time; and the poems stand strong as they walk in circles inside life's hour glass - God must be apathetic. --payne --------------------------------------- If a verse's consequence is a bedlam; I feel proud - as with my actions' consequence. --payne --------------------------------------- A critic is like a flame to paper. I try to keep each word fireproof. --payne ---------------------------------------- I have a habit - a craving - an addiction - there is no "10-step program" to cure me. The one-step critique is all it takes, but still I write to prove all wrong. --payne ---------------------------------------- \\A poem is a subway train. People ride on thoughts.// I can only hope they enjoy my travels from one place to another; because these trains of thought to not stop.// Certain things derail me - while others push me full-speed, although I know not what.\\ --payne ---------------------------------------- Optomism - 12/12/2002 If I was a riddle, would you think more of me?

Shoveling Hand

I dug a man up out his grave, and we began to dance - We danced down streets, through crowds, up hills, and over the sun itself.

Then the man told me the meaning of life and how one becomes pure; After this we drank ale and smoked, From of the finest tobacco pipe.

The next morning when I woke - just before I stretched, I had forgot the night before, The dancing and the meaning of life.

The only thing left, That stuck inside my head; Was that to become pure, One must first become dead.



December 16th

I sat atop a toilet fresh, And remained there all day - I read the paper front to back, To the last section from "A".

When the phone rang I did not know, What I was supposed to do - For I felt not like moving from my Toilet squat... I felt like feeling glued.

I always had wondered if, My friends or anyone would care - If I just "up and disappeared", Well - I tested my hypotheses from the "relaxing" chair.

But trust me, friend, I was prepared, I had a brush to brush my hair - I had stocked up on toothpaste the night before, And clothes I needed not wear.

I stayed there for days and days, Years, to say the least - I grew a beard and lost all weight, Became a ghoulish beast.

I sat there until my watch stopped "tick-tocking", Until the paper grew yellow through and through, I sat there until the tub grew rust, And until all of the bathroom lights blew.

I did not know in which year we were, Or which day it was, For it remained December 16th, Below the yellow fuzz.

So I remained inside the dark, waiting On someone's call... I heard a thump, a thud, a shout - Coming from the hall...

Now remember, my friend, my hearing had gone bad - I could not tell if it was mom, Or if it was my dad...

I saw a light, the light, brighter than the moon; I saw it shine between the crack; horozontal in my view.

I saw the door open, it creaked as it had; But I looked and saw neither - My mother or my dad.

I saw a little boy, or maybe a little girl - but the figure I saw, Was not of my world.

I saw his little smile - From the shining light. It warmed me over and left me in delight...

Well the strange is yet to come, For he must not have seen, That I was sitting there - And he began his release.

It passed straight through, And then I could clearly see, When I woke up on the 16th, I was not quite me...

--payne rains tuiles - 12/15/2002 it's like it is sunday even as your breaths are warm as this Saturday sun. I aspire, as you; now. I'm screaming inside... I'M SCREAMING INSIDE... I'M CRyInG inside; but watch me smile. we aspire once more; i whisper my love through lips to ears; it flows through an imaginary river of connection and i linger with my chin on shoulder; to hear your words like fallen angel harps, they sound! but now.. eye to eye, lip to lip, thought to thought - I just wish to tear the moment apart - then put it back together with you. so that, we could spend just seconds more as we glue - but with what to glue this moment? not love - the word is too over-used; not hope... it wouldn't hold; not desire; not care; not admiration; but memory - for it is the glue to all moments we spend. Alone I aspire; but never alone am I now for you are the blood from which my heart beats... And I could beat a fucking symphony. I wish your hairbrush was here... flowing through your hair - and your hands appear - then your face and body; mind like golden... If your thought could take shapes I would not idolize, but respect the forms. as i do. and today was a blur of black hair, cold-wall mall, taste, steering wheel turn like crazy thought now your hand in mind and your thoughts catch my words as we fall asleep on the phone. --payne